Teaching your children to be planners

Organisation is always a challenge for children as they grow. Also, as parents, some of us are less organised people in planning events etc. It’s just in our nature how we approach planning. This article tells us that planning can be learnt, which is so beneficial for children’s success in self-management. The earlier they value being a planner, the more they gain through being organised and in control of what they are doing.

Taking time to plan something well shows that a person is making choices about how they want to be in control of their actions. They come to understand that they will have more successful outcomes by being a planner. Planning well gives you a vision into what you are expecting as an outcome. To be productive is to plan well. For example, if you plan your trip well for the school holidays you feel reassured that it will be successful and that you have a clear understanding of what to expect. There are fewer unfortunate surprises.

There are developing skills in learning to plan well and children will get better at it and more accurate in their planning, reading situations better etc. as time goes. They will make mistakes but grow in confidence about sharpening the planning process.

Teachers know that planning their lessons well is the key to the quality of teaching. Without effective well-planned lessons, teachers easily lose control of the outcomes. They understand that the quality of their planning will impact a child’s learning.

Read here to help your child be a dedicated planner.

They are also keen to teach children the importance of planning and when assignments are on the agenda, teachers will spend considerable time with children discussing their plan. Sometimes pieces of work are marked on the quality of the planning demonstrated by a child.

When we teach our children to plan important events etc., they begin to value the process of planning as a way of managing their world and feel in control. They are setting the directions themselves. Once they feel the success of their planning, children will want more control of their actions.

Here are some thoughts on helping your child become a dedicated planner.

• Demonstrate to your child how you plan for important events, occasions etc. Allow them to share in some of this planning. Is planning an important part of your work life?

• There are various ways to plan and everyone develops their own style. Talk about what tools you use to help you plan. For example, are you someone who takes notes?

• Do you plan your events on a computer? Do you revisit the plan?

• What resources do you use in planning?

• When your child talks about important events that they will participate in, talk about what plans they have in place to make it successful.

• When planning we all need time for this and talk to your children about how much time they will give to the planning process.

• Talk about successes you have had from careful planning. It is also worthwhile to talk about the trial and error in planning. This is also an important process we go through before discernment.

A wise person sees planning as a natural part of putting order and structure into their world. Teaching our children, the value of planning gives them an important tool in guiding their directions with personal satisfaction and confidence.

“‘Good teaching is more a giving of right questions than a giving of right answers.’

                             -Josef Albers”

— Quote Source

Teaching our children to take on responsibility

This is all about giving them gradual independence to manage themselves. As they grow in independence they will certainly come across situations where they are uncomfortable, exposed to failure and feel generally unsatisfied with their efforts. These are all-natural feelings. Sometimes as parents we think by taking the responsibility away from them, they will have less pain and besides what if they make a mistake? How will they feel?

As the child grows in independence, they also grow in taking on their own responsibility for things. This teaches them to own the situation. There is much satisfaction with a child when they start to take responsibility. This gives them a sense of self-worth and a feeling of growing up as a real person. There is nothing more enriching than having that feeling of making decisions yourself.

Our role as parents is to support this gradual development and watch with joy our young one taking on responsibility.

Teachers know that in order for children to learn effectively they need to take ownership of their learning. During the school day, teachers will provide situations where children will make informed decisions on what they learn and how they learn. At parent-teacher interviews, there is nothing more satisfying for a parent than to hear that their child is a responsible learner. This has come about by gradually learning to take risks and to make responsible choices for themselves.

Teachers know that success only comes from accepting responsibility.

You will be amazed how small opportunities to take on responsibility will increase self-esteem once they are successful in showing responsibility.

Consider the following thoughts to build stamina in your child with regard to taking on responsibility:

• Consider your own life situation. Are you a person that models responsibility and ownership of situations? Talk to your child about why this has been important to you over the years.

• Do you have a list of chores at home that your child must do as part of the family routine? Could these chores grow in responsibility as the child gets older and demonstrates their growing strength in this area?

• If you are having a holiday, get your child involved in the planning and being responsible for certain duties. Perhaps they take ownership of packing their bags, researching venues etc.

• Talk about the responsibility of doing tasks at school. We know that leadership develops in children who show strong skills in being responsible. School captains are chosen from those children who demonstrate strong skills in being responsible. Teachers frequently set up monitors in classrooms on a rotation basis giving children responsibilities to manage.

• Talk about how you value your child’s growing awareness and interest in taking on responsibility. Take care not to rescue your child too soon after disaster strikes as this will only disengage your child from taking on responsibility. It also delays any further interest in being responsible.

• For those children reticent to be independent, give them small opportunities to be independent. You will be amazed how this will grow once they are successful in showing responsibility.

• We live in a world where the safety of our children is paramount and to this end, I can understand how we are cautious parents in giving them too much responsibility and independence early.

I would argue that with gradual responsibility being handed to them, they are stronger and more confident young people. They are more observant of life around them when being responsible for themselves. They confidently and intuitively show skill in navigating their way around difficult situations and are much happier in themselves being in control.

“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”

— Denis Waitley

Being a pre-teen can be tricky when it comes to changing emotions.

Have you found your pre-teen child acting a little differently? Perhaps they seem to have lost their cuteness and baby friendliness.

Well, be reassured this is normal. As the child grows to being a teen or older, they are developing their reasoning and understandings of the world and themselves in a very critical way.

Do you have an emerging teenager?

Teachers, when given their class for the new year, would put a lot of thought into the age group that they would be teaching. Some teachers particularly felt stronger teaching younger children and there were some teachers who felt they had a particular aptitude to working with children at the senior level of the school. What was happening here is the teacher’s awareness that how you teach children should reflect their age and mental capacity to process information. Also having an understanding of their developing self-awareness was important. It was also necessary to reflect on the language used and how you build their self-esteem.

As a parent, you are exposed to the emotional changing face of your child. At first, we can approach noticeable differences appearing with trepidation. However, we need to develop a healthy and positive attitude to the changes you see developing in your child.

We need to accept that change is normal and that we are ready to help the child through such changes. As growth occurs, particularly expect changes in emotions. This will impact on how they perceive problems and it will reflect on how they respond to situations. The pre-teen is beginning to see the bigger picture and question where they fit into it. Suddenly, other people’s opinions matter, as well as their parents, and they are keen to find a social place in their world. Often, they are keen to have more personal space and look to parents for trust in the independent decisions they make which are out of the hands of parents.

It is a time of personal awakening and the child begins to see the bigger picture, offer opinions and they are keen to demonstrate their ability to be independent thinkers and doers in different ways.

I particularly enjoyed teaching this age group, as it was a great time for children to question, probe and be innovative in their work. They grew more vocal, more personally confident and their social engagements with friends often deepened. Also, they began to recognise their own strengths and to understand their place in society.

If you have a child who is going through this pre-teen period consider the following thoughts that may help you deal with what can be a confusing and tricky adjusting time for all the family.

• If you notice changing moods stay with them and try not to over question. Be prepared to be shocked and pleased in unusual ways. Remember this is also a testing and discovery time for your child. They will try on new values, new concepts which can be testing.

• Talk often as a family. Invite conversations about what has been happening over the week. Try not to probe especially when they are not talkative.

• Affirm noticeable changes. This can be through their school work, home habits etc. This is all about reassuring the child that they are valued for their differences as well as their commonalities.

“I notice that you are wearing a different hairstyle today. I like this new look.”

• Take care not to put extra demands on your child if they are struggling to cope with school and home. This can be a sign that they need some respite, not additional duties. A child at this age can become quite overwhelmed by all the changes and expectations placed on them.

• They will probably spend considerable time in their bedroom. Just check in with this habit ensuring that they have adequate family time for discussion. Keeping your child busy with activities such as sport can reduce the time they spend on their own and keep their spirits uplifted through physical exercise.

• Be generous in allowing them to engage with friends. Invite them into your home and ensure that you place no judgements on their friends. This is a sensitive time for a child in establishing friends.

• Your child that is normally bubbly and talkative may suddenly talk less and become more remote. Some of this behaviour is normal. However, check in to ensure that your child still has a balance of family time, busy activities etc.

• Take care not to be critical of the changes you notice. This also includes not referring to how you liked them when they were younger and less irritable or sulky etc. Here you are understanding and accepting of the transition your child is undergoing. Respect their right to make that transition.

These thoughts simply remind us that pre-teens are a very changeable and sensitive time for children. They are discovering themselves physically, emotionally and mentally. They will be making personal assessments of their own successes and failures. A parent’s role is to allow them that time to make changes and to celebrate all new aspects of metamorphosis that appear in your child. The caterpillar that becomes the butterfly, works hard to create that change.

“There are two gifts we should give our children;
One is roots,
And the other is wings.”

— Author Unknown

How predictable we can all be!

We all like and value routine. In fact, our routine reassures us that we are balanced and consistent and we have better control and management of our lives and those of our children. I agree there is much to be said for routine and order. I would also propose thinking about the various differences that your child introduces you too as they grow. You can learn much from your child and so be prepared to change!

We would like to think that our children are mirror images of ourselves. However, over time they are beginning to form their own opinions likes and dislikes along the way. My question here is do we allow them to be different? Are we happy when they offer other suggestions that sound different from the way the family operates? Are we open to being excited when they produce something quite different? In working with children, teachers encourage spontaneity and variation in the work the children do. They set goals expectations but become quite excited when the child steps away from the norm and sees the world from a different angle. This is strongly encouraged in the classroom. As a parent do, we encourage our children to be different? Are we interested in letting them develop their own style, or are we inclined to direct them to what we know is a safe option?

Many of the famous, creative people see the world differently and are happy when they have control of their own creative bent. This article is challenging us as parents to give your child scope to be different and to allow in the family their differences to blossom.

Here are some thoughts on how to enable this to happen:

Do you encourage your children to think differently?

• Affirm the difference. Take care not to steer your child into the likes and dislikes that you believe are safe and secure. As a parent, we guide them by allowing them space to steer their own boat.

• Take care not to be too critical or questioning of things you don’t understand. Respect their right to bring new thoughts and ideas into the home.

• Be prepared to learn from your child. They often show you new ways of operating on computers, introduce you to their music, discuss environmental issues etc. When they approach you with their uniqueness try to engage with interest. This is their way of sharing their world with you. There is much to learn from the next generation.

• If they start talking about topics that you are uncomfortable with, give them a chance to express themselves. Don’t cut them off at the knees. You want them to be open and feel welcomed to discuss their controversial concerns. You may have opinions that are different and can express those to the child but allowing them to talk about these tricky matters is important for open communication.

• We tend to look for commonalities with our children. Try and affirm the differences you notice.

“You have beautiful blue eyes. I think you are the first in the family to have them.”

• As the child ages, you may find some of their friends a bit confronting. Remember, your child will ultimately discern who they associate with and by welcoming all friends you reassure your child that you trust them.

• Occasionally your child will say or do things that surprise or shock you, putting you off guard. It is legitimate to talk about them but allow yourself time to process the situation before the discussion.

“Goodness. I had no idea that you were doing handstands at school.”

• Take time to process the situation before offering comments that could offside the child.

This article can challenge us as parents. Afterall we have faith in the things we know that work well as a family. Most children are keen to please and willing to oblige family expectations. However, if they sense the freedom to be themselves in whatever form that presents itself, they will be happier and more disclosing to the family about what they like and dislike. If they see you as a parent that celebrates their differences, you will be in a safer and happier position to really know your child. A little bit of childhood rebellion in your presence won’t hurt!

“Those who do not think outside the box are easily contained.”

— Nicolas Manetta

Little by little let them grow freer and more independent

This can be difficult to know when and how to allow more independence in your child. Firstly, let’s acknowledge that from the minute they are born, we are working towards making them independent from you, the parent! Some parents come to this realisation earlier than others. I would say the earlier we recognise how we are helping our children by supporting independent steps, the better and easier it becomes to incrementally allow independent steps. Just think about when your child learnt to walk. You were there and shared in the joy. This was their attempt to stand up independently and walk. As they get older it becomes a little more difficult to give them independence when it involves risk.

This article suggests that we keep in our mind that inviting our children to take small steps to independence, becomes a way of life for you, the parent and the child. Once we establish in our minds that the more they work towards being independent, the greater capabilities they develop intellectually, socially, emotionally and physically. This means a reduction of control for us, but in another way, you are teaching your child how to be a capable independent soul.

You may say that this creates worry for you, the parent. I would argue that there is constant worry when we try to be in control of everything. In fact, we become quite anxious when we lose control, which will naturally happen as time passes. We cannot be in the presence of our children exerting control all the time. Also we should not aim to attend to every detail to ensure we are managing the situation just the way we like it.

Gradual injecting of independence into your child is all about building a strong confident young individual who likes themselves enough to take up opportunities, show creativity and live ultimately with emotional stamina.

Teachers give children small, incremental opportunities to show independence. This can happen through work demands or social demands. They are cautious with parents to ensure that when a child shows initiative of a new nature, let us say a little riskier, they will tell the parent in positive tones. Teachers will also recognise very quickly in their classroom those children who come from a home where the child is expected to take on roles and to show independence in family activities.

By giving your child incremental bouts of being independent, you are saying to your child that you trust them. Total control demonstrates having no faith in the child’s abilities.

Consider in this formula of gradually letting your child grow into independence, you are expecting them from time to time to take a dive. This is natural and this is where your talents and skills come into the story. You are there to listen and recommend options and dust them down when they are feeling bruised and sore from their fall. Afterall every childhood has its ups and downs.

You are there to also affirm their efforts and talk about how they showed initiative in “having a go” on their own. How helpful and useful a role you now take on. A much more effective position as a parent than trying to solve everything for them. The child here does no independent thinking and takes no ownership of problems. In fact, they don’t see problems as they are taken from them.

Here are a few quick tips on becoming a more relaxed parent and drip feeding your child with independent strategies.

• Notice first your child’s strengths. These are good starters for giving some more independence to your child. 

“I can see how well you fold clothes. Could you fold those clothes on the bench for me? Thanks.”

“I like the way you manage money. Could you pay the cashier with this money? Thankyou.”

• Gradually take stock of areas in which your child is less secure and begin some support for building their confidence in acting independently.

“Rather than me explain to the teacher why you were away today I would like you to tell her when we go to school tomorrow.” This is all about helping a shy child articulate themselves to the teacher.

• When your child has genuinely “had a go” and continues to be unsuccessful, sit down together and write down optional ways to “have a go.” At no point do you take over the problem.

• As a family, talk about family activities or routines where jobs can be shared. Together discuss how they went for everybody. Were the jobs a good distribution for all family members?

• Were some jobs too much? Do we need to redefine the jobs? Are there more difficult jobs now to share?

In working with children who may be dealing with some issues it was important to listen to their attempts in solving the problem. Without that component to the discussion there was no joint discussion. It would be just instructional and who listen to just instructions messages?

Gradual injecting of independence into your child is all about building a strong confident young individual who likes themselves enough to take up opportunities, show creativity and live ultimately with emotional stamina.

“Children learn to manage, control and even overcome their fears by taking risks.”

—  A.Hans.com

Having a healthy attachment to your child

From the moment of conception we are working toward bonding with our child. As a parent and grandparent, attachment continues all your life with your close family and intimate friends. Of course it goes through various changes as relationships mature and change. This article is to remind us that attachment with our child is all about beginning the preparation to let them go. We attach and bond to begin their journey leading to the ultimate development of their own person. This is sometimes hard for parents to understand. There is a myth that a good parent is present and active in the life of their child always. This is not the case!

Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that you trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence.

Bonding with your child should at all times be healthy for both you and the child. Once a child is at school, it is very evident to teachers that the child is formally beginning their journey to independence. They are warmly and securely attached to their parents who start the process of little by little, giving them independence. This is all about walking with the child and not carrying them, especially when the road gets a little rough. It is about being around and available and listening to their cries, but not solving their fears and resolving their issues.

Healthy attachment is when the child knows that they can rely on your deep presence, but that you allow them to make mistakes. You are there to console and discuss, but give them the credibility to work on solutions. Attachment is about changing the way you work with your growing child. As they demand more independence, you gently nudge them into having a go, taking on risk and you are there to console and celebrate the success and failures. You are there to hear the sadness, empathetically understand the disappointment and encourage them to keep on with their endeavours.

A parent well attached to their child, knows instinctively when to back off, come in for extra support and to have stronger presence when needed. It is also about attaching in an emotionally mature way, knowing when and how, to step in and out of situations in which the child finds themselves.

Here are some tips on being the parent that attaches to their child enabling them to free themselves from the heavy cocoon where we then see the beautiful butterfly emerge . You are the branch on which such a cocoon rests. Here it gains nourishment along its journey to new life.

• Remember that physical contact such as regular cuddles, affirming words at bedtime are healthy to remind the child that you love them.

• Read the signs with your child. If they are becoming unsettled. Are there things you can put in place to help them resolve it?  Being proactive is important.

• Have you set up home to have quiet times together. This helps to remind them of how strongly you care about them.

• You can always affirm from a distance . This means that if you here of good things happening at school talk about them. Perhaps you do not need to be present on all occasions. It is good to know that you care from a distance as well.

• Unhealthy attachment is when a parent smothers the child and demands a strong presence in most aspects of their life. This can take on quite a bit of control. Show your child that you do not need to have a presence on all occasions as you trust their capabilities. You simply let them know that you look forward to hearing all about their exploits.

• When parents display unhealthy attachments, the child often gives up seeking independence and thinking for themselves. Remind your child that you love hearing stories of how they showed independence. This encourages the child to act independently.

• Check in with yourself occasionally to make sure you have the balance right.  Sometimes the busy weeks can be all about control and management. Have you recently given your child some scope in that busy week to express themself?

There is nothing more liberating for a growing child as when their parents give them time with friends alone, or walk to school etc. Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that your trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence. You show excitement when you see them take such steps. This is all about maintaining healthy attachment, sharing in the voyage to independence and celebrating the shifting dynamics in your maturing relationship.

“The way we treat our children directly impacts on what they believe about themselves.”

— Ariadne Brill