Five simple but practical ideas for parents to find a balance between a busy life and dealing with school matters.
Balancing work, life, and your child’s school commitments can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. Gail Smith shares five simple yet practical tips to help busy parents stay engaged with their child’s education while managing their own demanding schedules. While perfection may be out of reach, these strategies can help you find a better, more manageable balance.
Consider these five simple but practical ideas for parents to balance their busy lives while staying engaged with your child’s school matters:
The 10-Minute School Check-in
Set aside just 10 minutes a day to ask about school—over breakfast, on the drive home, or at bedtime. Keep it simple: "What was the best part of your day?" or "Did anything tricky happen today?" Small conversations build strong connections without overwhelming your schedule.
Use Technology to Stay Updated
Sign up for school emails, apps, or newsletters to get quick updates without needing extra time. Skim through messages during coffee breaks or while waiting in line. If possible, set up alerts for key school dates so you don’t miss important events.
Prioritize What Really Matters
You don’t have to attend every event! Choose one or two school activities per term that fit your schedule, like a parents’ evening or a fun day. This keeps you involved without adding stress.
Turn Everyday Moments into Learning
Use daily tasks to support your child’s education. Cooking? Talk about measurements. Shopping? Discuss money and budgeting. This helps reinforce school skills without extra work.
Team Up with Other Parents
Share school runs, swap event updates, or take turns attending meetings and passing on key points. A parent support network lightens the load and keeps everyone informed.
School is ever present in your life as well as your own work demands. There is never a perfect balance, but finding opportunities to throw in a few educational moments and to simply enjoy your child, is so important across that busy week.
“There is no such thing as a perfect parent. So just be a real one.”
Five simple but powerful tips for parents to help their child start school on a positive note
With school reopening soon, take a moment to chat with your child about their holiday highlights and what they'll miss. This helps them transition from break to school. Ask them what they're excited about, whether it’s seeing friends or new activities. These simple conversations can set a positive tone for the new school year.
1. Talk with Excitement – Speak positively about school, teachers, and learning. Your
enthusiasm will be contagious!
2. Keep Mornings Calm – A smooth, stress-free morning routine sets the tone for the
day. Plan ahead to avoid last-minute chaos.
3. Celebrate Small Wins – Praise your child’s efforts, whether it’s making a new
friend or packing their own bag. Confidence grows with encouragement.
4. Listen and Reassure – If your child has worries, acknowledge them, but focus on
solutions and strengths. “You can handle this, and I’m here for you!”
5. Stay Connected – Chat about their day with curiosity, not just “How was school?”
Try, “What made you smile today?”
It is best to start some conversation about school now. Keep on the positive and invite them to talk about what they know about their new school year. Invite them to talk about the things that they have missed in the holidays and what they look forward to when school starts.
“With the new school year comes opportunities and adventures”
Talk to your child regularly. It’s important for their mental health
Keep talking with your child. Show them that conversations help solve problems and make them feel better. In this blog, Gail Smith shares why regular conversations are so important for your child’s well-being.
Keep conversations going with your child even if you think they are not listening. Let them know that you are a listener and want everything to be out in the open and frequently discussed amongst you. Let them see that conversations are a great way of dealing with problems and that you feel better when matters are openly discussed.
Regular conversations with your child:
1. Builds Trust and Emotional Safety
When children feel heard, they trust that they can share their emotion without fear of judgement.
Example: A child struggling with bullying feels safe opening up to a parent who listens calmly, instead of dismissing their feelings.
2. Prevents Emotional Suppression
Open conversations help children process emotions instead of bottling them up, reducing the risk of anxiety and depression.
Example: Asking, "How was your day?" allows a child to express frustration over a ` grade rather than holding it in.
3. Develops Problem-Solving Skills
Talking through challenges teaches kids how to handle problems and make decisions.
Example: If a child is upset about a fight with a friend, discussing the issue helps them brainstorm ways to apologize or make amends.
4. Strengthens Parent-Child Connection
Frequent conversations create a strong bond, making children feel supported and valued.
Example: Regular chats during bedtime build a habit of sharing, even when they grow older and face bigger challenges.
5. Detects Early Signs of Mental Health Issues
Talking often allows parents to notice mood changes or troubling thoughts before they escalate.
Example: If a usually cheerful child starts avoiding conversations, this could signal stress or sadness, prompting early support.
“A child really feels supported when a parent uses open communication.”
A child's mind is a garden—nurture it with love, or weeds of doubt will grow.
As caring parents, we play a vital role in shaping our children’s mental well-being. In this blog, we are exploring the thoughts that reflect the difference we can make to building good mental health in our children.
Your care shapes their mental world. The below thoughts reflect the difference we make to building good mental health in our children.
Your presence today builds their strength for tomorrow. Show up now—secure their future resilience.
Silence breeds shadows—talk to your child before the darkness grows.
Speak up to stop emotional struggles.
Your words are the bricks that build their self-worth.
Every word moulds their confidence.
Neglect the mind, and the heart will follow—mental health is family health.
Mental wellness starts at home.
A child’s laughter today is their shield for tomorrow’s battles.
Joy builds lifelong emotional armour.
You hold the key to unlocking their inner strength.
Your support empowers their resilience.
A parent’s love is the first line of defence against the world.
Your care protects their mental well-being.
Being a caring parent, recognizes that your work involves building strong mental health in your child.
“Promise me you’ll always remember you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
Let’s look at conversations to have with your child
By having regular, open conversations, parents can nurture a positive outlook in their child’s life. Here are five meaningful topics parents can frequently discuss to support mental health, instill confidence, and remind children that they are always loved. Read on to learn how these conversations can help your child grow with confidence and emotional security.
Here are five great conversation topics that parents can frequently discuss with their children to support mental health, foster a positive disposition, and reassure them of being loved. Frequent positive reminders are healthy ways to give a positive outlook to a growing child and to build emotional intelligence.
Emotions and Feelings
Topic: "How are you feeling today? It's okay to have all kinds of emotions."
Purpose: Encourage emotional expression and validation of feelings. This helps children understand that it’s normal to have a range of emotions and that their feelings are important.
Reassuring Message: "No matter how you feel, I'm always here to listen and support you."
Self-Worth and Inner Strength
Topic: "What do you think makes you special or unique?"
Purpose: This encourages self-reflection and builds self-esteem by helping the child recognize their strengths, talents, and individuality.
Reassuring Message: "You are amazing just the way you are, and I love you for who you are."
Challenges and Problem-Solving
Topic: "What was something challenging today, and how did you handle it?"
Purpose: Encouraging conversations about handling challenges reinforces resilience and problem-solving skills, helping children approach difficulties with a positive mindset.
Reassuring Message: "No matter what happens, you’re strong, and I believe in your ability to get through tough times."
Gratitude and Positivity
Topic: "What are three things you’re thankful for today?"
Purpose: Fostering gratitude can shift the focus toward the positive aspects of life, promoting optimism and mental well-being.
Reassuring Message: "Even when things are hard, there’s always something good, and I’m grateful to have you in my life."
Love and Belonging
Topic: "What’s something fun we could do together soon?"
Purpose: Strengthen the parent-child bond by focusing on shared experiences, making the child feel valued and connected.
Reassuring Message: "You are always loved, no matter what, and spending time with you makes me happy."
Frequent conversations on these topics not only build a child's mental resilience but also provide the emotional security that they are loved and supported unconditionally. Every child needs reassurance and will from time to time need that extra reassurance that their world is fine.
“A parent’s positive reassurance is a life line to a child.”
What you say to your child sticks.
Here are some of the most powerful phrases you can say to your children, no matter their age. Repeating these words often shows your unwavering love and support as they grow. Whether your child is a toddler or a teen, these statements can help build their confidence and emotional strength. Make them a regular part of your conversations to reinforce your commitment to their well-being.
As your child grows, how wonderful it would be if they just knew how you valued them and how consistently you talked about matters that mattered to them. The statements below are powerful suggestions of words that can be repeated time and time again over the years. It doesn't matter if children are three years of age or late teenagers. These statements are powerful tools in driving the right message into them. Consider building them into your repertoire.
"I believe in you, no matter what."
Impact: This statement reinforces your unwavering faith in your child's abilities and character, helping them feel confident and supported even during challenging times.
"You are loved just the way you are."
Impact: Letting your child know that they are loved unconditionally helps them feel secure and accepted, fostering a strong sense of self-worth.
"I’m proud of you for being who you are."
Impact: This acknowledgement celebrates your child’s individuality and encourages them to embrace their unique qualities with pride.
"Your feelings matter to me."
Impact: By affirming the importance of their emotions, you validate your child’s experiences and teach them that their thoughts and feelings are valuable.
"You have the strength to overcome any challenge."
Impact: Empowering your child with this belief helps them develop resilience and the confidence to face obstacles with determination.
These statements repeated throughout your child’s life send a very clear message of your unwavering love and support as they grow into well-developed young adults. Repeat them often for a strong effect.
“Use words well around children. They listen with sharp ears.”
Six reasons why giving your child quality time works
The time you spend with your child is invaluable and leaves a lasting impact on their sense of being loved and secure. As they grow into teenagers and become more independent, those shared moments become even more precious. Gail Smith shares six surprising benefits of dedicating time to your child in this insightful blog post.
The time you give to your child is valuable and has a lasting effect on their feelings of being loved and feeling secure.
Here are six surprising outcomes when you give of your time to your child:
Your effort:
Promotes Creativity: Engaging in imaginative play with parents stimulates children's creative thinking and problem-solving skills.
Reduces Stress: Shared activities and positive interactions can lower stress levels in children, leading to better overall mental health.
Teaches Conflict Resolution: Quality time allows parents to model healthy ways to handle
disagreements, helping children develop strong conflict resolution skills.
Enhances Cultural Awareness: Parents can introduce children to diverse cultures and traditions, broadening their understanding of the world.
Improves Physical Health: Active play and shared physical activities encourage healthy habits and improve physical fitness.
Fosters Independence: By spending time together, parents can teach essential life skills, empowering children to become more self-reliant and confident in their abilities.
Giving quality time to your child is all about sharing more of your life with them. There will come a time when they disappear out of sight and we struggle to bring them into our presence. This is of course the teenage years. Therefore value those moments you share together. It is rewarded a hundred fold.
“Shared time with your child builds strong mental health in all the family”
It is important to speak well to your children
Children quickly pick up on what you say and how you say it, understanding the value you place on them. Gail Smith highlights six compelling reasons why speaking positively to children is crucial and the potential harm caused when we don’t. This insightful blog post sheds light on the importance of nurturing communication.
Speaking well to children is a language all its own. Children register very quickly from what you say and how you say it, what kind of value you place in them.
Here are six sound reasons why speaking well to children is important and it also highlights damage that can be caused if we do not speak well.
Building Self-Esteem
When children hear positive words and encouragement, they feel valued and loved. This helps them develop a healthy sense of self-worth.
However, harsh words can make children doubt their abilities and feel unimportant, leading to low self-esteem.
Fostering Emotional Security
Kind and understanding words create a safe emotional environment. Children feel secure knowing they can express themselves without fear of judgement. However, negative communication can make children anxious or fearful, feeling like they must always be on guard.
Encouraging Positive Behaviour
Praise and positive reinforcement motivate children to repeat good behaviour and make better choices. However, constant criticism can lead to rebellion or a lack of motivation to try their best.
Developing Language Skills
Hearing rich and positive language helps children expand their vocabulary and communication skills, crucial for their overall development. However, exposure to negative or limited language can hinder their ability to express themselves effectively.
Modelling Respectful Communication
Children learn by observing. Speaking well to them teaches them how to communicate respectfully with others. However, if children hear harsh or disrespectful language, they might imitate this behaviour in their interactions.
Strengthening Parent-Child Bond
Positive communication fosters a strong, trusting relationship between parents and children, which is the foundation for a healthy family dynamic. However, negative interactions can create distance and weaken the parent-child bond, making it harder for children to confide in their parents.
When a child feels confident to talk to you about important matters and when they are relaxed in how they communicate with you, this is a sign that you are speaking well to your child. All they want is to feel safe through your dialogue and welcomed in your conversations.
“Speak well to your child and they will speak well back.”
How To Keep Your Anger Under Control Around Children
Feeling angry from time to time is natural, especially when tired or overwhelmed, but frequent displays of anger can significantly impact children. Intermittent anger can confuse and distress them, often causing them to withdraw. Gail Smith shares useful strategies to help you manage your anger.
Being angry from time to time is natural. We cannot be even tempered all the time and there are often triggers that will set us off. Tiredness and being over busy are catalysts for feeling anger. We know that children can become quite anxious if a parent shows a lot of anger from time to time. Intermittent anger can be very confusing for a child and they will often withdraw when that happens. Uncontrolled anger from a parent can have severe effects on a child.
Below are some recommendations to practise reducing your anger. They are excellent strategies to use which will also have a calming effect on yourself. This will benefit your moods and overall well being. There is strength in calmness.
Consider:
Practice Deep Breathing: When you feel anger rising, take a moment to breathe deeply. Inhale slowly for a count of four, hold for a count of four, and exhale for a count of four. Repeat this a few times to help calm your mind and body.
Take a Timeout: Just like children, parents can benefit from a timeout. If you feel overwhelmed, step away for a few minutes to collect your thoughts. This can help prevent you from saying or doing something in anger that you might regret later.
Identify Triggers: Pay attention to what specific situations or behaviours trigger your anger. Understanding your triggers allows you to anticipate and manage them better, reducing the likelihood of an outburst.
Use Positive Self-Talk: Remind yourself that anger is a natural emotion but it can be controlled. Use phrases like “I can handle this calmly” or “I am in control of my emotions” to re frame your mindset in stressful situations.
Implement Physical Activity: Physical exercise is a great way to release built-up tension and stress. Incorporate regular physical activity into your routine, whether it’s a daily walk, yoga, or a quick workout, to help manage your anger levels.
Communicate Openly: Express your feelings in a calm and constructive manner. Use “I” statements to explain how you feel and why, without blaming or criticising your child. For example, say “I feel frustrated when the toys are left out because it makes the room messy” instead of “You never clean up your toys.”
Be Authentic: Your child knows you well. Talk to them about the things that can make you upset and this will help them take more responsibility when they bring up certain topics. It is also a positive family thing to do when families talk about what makes them angry.
Through managing your anger you are setting a great example for your child. They will see the effort being made and recognise that controlling anger is a necessary skill to live effectively.
‘Being calm, you show strength through your actions.’
-Gail J Smith
Be Authentic With Your Child - It Builds Strong And Trusting Relationships
When you're true to yourself, parenting becomes more natural and fulfilling, devoid of the pressure to pretend or conform to unrealistic expectations. Gail Smith highlights the profound benefits of authenticity in nurturing your child's growth and fostering a deeper connection based on honesty and mutual understanding.
Builds Trust
When you are honest and genuine with your child, you build a foundation of trust. They learn that they can rely on you to be truthful, which strengthens your bond and makes them feel secure. This means that they will come to you more with tricky problems.
Models Healthy Relationships
Being real with your child shows them how to have healthy, authentic relationships. They see how to express their feelings, communicate openly, and resolve conflicts, which are vital skills for their future interactions. This encourages strong stable friendships with others.
Encourages Emotional Growth
Children learn how to process and express their emotions by observing their parents. When you are authentic about your own feelings, you teach your child that it's okay to feel and express a wide range of emotions. Your child becomes less intimidated to express their feelings in front of others.
Promotes Self-Acceptance
When parents are real, it shows children that it's okay to be themselves. They learn that they don't have to hide their true selves to be loved and accepted, fostering their self-esteem and self-acceptance. This is all about liking yourself, and you do not need to prove anything to others.
Enhances Communication
Being genuine encourages open and honest communication. Your child will feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings with you, leading to better understanding and connection. This means they feel in an environment of complete trust.
Prepares Them for the Real World
Life isn't always perfect, and being authentic helps your child understand this reality. They learn to deal with disappointments, setbacks, and challenges more effectively when they see their parents handling real-life situations with honesty and resilience.
Being authentic allows you to be yourself in all its glory and with all its failures. Your child needs to see the real you and to learn from your life journey. It is so much easier parenting when you are not pretending to be something different.
Information every parent should know about their child's school
Schools can be complex environments, but staying connected can make navigating them much easier. Gail Smith offers valuable tips to help parents gain a deeper understanding and more rewarding experience of school life.
Every school is different. The culture is different and how a school thinks and operates varies. As a parent, keeping in touch with your child's school, is the key to getting the best from the experience. Here are some ideas facts that you should consider so that you understand and gain a rich experience from the school as a parent.
• Know the daily schedule, including start and end times, and keep track of important dates like holidays, parent-teacher conferences, and special events.
• Understand what subjects are being taught and any key projects or assignments your child will have throughout the year. Teachers will publish all these details often early in the year.
• Get to know your child’s teachers, their teaching styles, and how to contact them for any concerns or questions. Every teacher will have a different style and knowing them will help you understand what they have to say.
• Familiarize yourself with the school’s policies on attendance, discipline, homework, and dress code. A school will always rely on their major policies especially when things go wrong.
• Learn about the extracurricular options available, such as sports teams, clubs, and arts programs, and encourage your child to participate.
• Be aware of any support services the school offers, like counselling, special education, tutoring, and health services.
• Find out how you can get involved, whether through volunteering, joining the PTA, or attending school board meetings. There are many day events across the year and perhaps tapping into these occasions will give you more awareness of school life.
• Know how the school communicates with parents (emails, newsletters, apps) and stay updated on any announcements or alerts.
• Understand the school’s safety protocols, including procedures for emergencies, lock downs, and how they handle bullying.
• Learn about the school’s culture, values, and any unique programs or initiatives they have to support student development.
• Know the details of your child's transportation options, including bus routes, pick-up/drop- off times, and safety rules.
Schools are complex places but when you feel connected to the school, doors are open a lot easier and your knowledge of school life will ease your anxieties when unhealthy rumours spread. It is simply a matter of being in touch across the year and together with your child, enjoying the experience of learning.
“Your child’s school should be a happy learning space for yourself as well as your child.”
It really matters to listen to your child
Listening to your child is crucial for building and strengthening your relationship with them. Gail Smith explains five compelling reasons why attentive listening truly matters.
Listening to your child will make all the difference in building and strengthening that important relationship with them. Here are 5 very clear reasons why it does matter to listen well.
1. Builds Trust and Connection:
Why it matters: When parents actively listen to their children, it fosters a sense of trust and strengthens the parent-child bond. Children feel valued and understood. They are then more likely to share their thoughts and feelings.
2. Encourages Emotional Intelligence:
Why it matters: Listening helps children learn to express their emotions and understand others. By validating their feelings and discussing them, parents can guide children in developing empathy.
3. Promotes Problem-Solving Skills:
Why it matters: When parents listen and engage in conversations about challenges, children learn to think critically and come up with solutions. This practice enhances their problem-solving abilities and independence.
4. Enhances Communication Skills:
Why it matters: Children who are listened to tend to become better communicators. They learn how to articulate their thoughts clearly and respectfully, skills that are crucial for their personal and professional lives.
5. Identifies and Addresses Issues Early:
Why it matters: Active listening allows parents to detect any issues or concerns their children may be facing early on. This early intervention can prevent problems from escalating and makes for a calmer house.
“There is so much to gain by listening well to your child.”
Listening to your child is important for many reasons
In today's digital age, social media often pulls children away from family connections. Being an effective listener can help bridge this gap. When parents truly listen, children feel valued and their self-worth grows. This creates a healthy pattern where children naturally turn to their parents when they need to talk. Discover strong reasons to stay well-tuned with your child.
We know that our children are so influenced by social media that draw them away from connecting to the family. It therefore makes sense to be an effective listener with your child as they will show more interest in being around you if you are prepared to listen. Here are some strong reasons to keep yourself well in tune with your child.
Listening shows you care, building trust and a strong bond with your child.
When you listen, kids open up more about their lives. They are really grateful that you listen.
Catch issues early by paying attention to what your child says. Give them time to do their talking.
Kids feel valued and confident when they know you’re listening. Therefore they are more inclined to keep up that habit as they grow older.
Listening helps kids understand and express their feelings better. This is great for nurturing good mental health.
Show them how to be good listeners and communicators by doing it yourself.
Listening helps kids feel supported, empowering them to solve problems. If they feel supported they will keep returning for a chat.
Kids learn better when they know their thoughts are heard and valued.
Quality listening time builds happy, memorable moments together. You discover a lot about your child through listening.
When a child grows up around parents that really take the time to listen to their child, they feel their views are valued and feelings of self worth grow. This will become a very healthy pattern for a child to go to their parents when they need to talk.
“The first duty of love is to listen.”
Developing good mental health in your child
Building a strong foundation for your child's mental health starts with ensuring they feel safe and happy. Discover practical tips to nurture their well-being during those crucial early years. Gail Smith shares some suggestions to help your child thrive emotionally and mentally.
We hear much about the importance of strengthening our children's mental health. We understand that in childhood there are certain cues that can activate positive thoughts about themselves. Here are some suggestions to strengthen your child's mental health on those sensitive early years.
Consider:
Be a talkative family that likes to openly discuss everything. Do this from an early age. They need to feel they can talk to you about their problems.
Demonstrate healthy ways to cope with stress and emotions, as children often
mimic their parents. Look more on the brighter side of life when working
through problems.
Provide structure with consistent daily routines to create a sense of stability
and security.
Help your child build strong, supportive friendships and connections with
family members. Let them invite friends into your house. Accept all their
friends they will come and go over the years.
Encourage regular exercise, which can boost mood and overall mental well-
being. Join them in games and physical exercise.
Introduce simple mindfulness exercises or relaxation techniques to help your
child manage stress. This can be done as a routine with the family. Make it an
enjoyable time together.
Monitor and limit the amount of time your child spends on screens to ensure
they engage in diverse activities. Leading an active family life will help cut
down this time.
Support your child in exploring and developing their interests and talents. Show interest in their passions and hobbies no matter how unusual they may
seem to you.
Acknowledge and praise your child's efforts and achievements to build their
self-esteem. Find the time to catch them when they are good even over small
deeds.
Spend quality time with your child, showing that you are there for them and
interested in their lives. Always keep promises that you will follow up with
conversations.
When a child lives in an environment that gives them the scope to express themselves in different ways they learn to be creative which is such a stress buster and a wonderful way to nurture good mental health.
“The foundation to good mental health in a child is to feel safe and happy in themselves.”
Ten Steps to more effective parenting
Parenting isn’t about being perfect; it’s about doing your best, even when life throws challenges your way. Changing circumstances can sometimes make it feel like we’re falling short, but often, we’re doing better than we think. Gail Smith’s checklist is here to help you reflect on your parenting habits and recognize the great job you’re doing.
Here is a checklist to help you reflect on some good parenting habits. As parents we are not perfect and sometimes changing life situations have a way of limiting our ability to do our best. However, it is worth checking in to see how you can from time to time improve on your parenting style. You will probably surprise yourself that you are doing a great job!
Consider:
Always keep up boosting your child’s sense of self-worth. They need to feel valued. If it comes from you it is special.
Notice the times when you can reward them. We call this catching them when they are good. This can be for little things, ‘How clever you are to open that box. It seems tightly sealed.’
Setting boundaries are important. A child feels safer with boundaries and needs to be clear with the directions you give them. Try not to overload them with too many directions and instructions.
Always find time for your child. They grow quickly but need your constant presence in their life especially when they are young.
Your image with your child is critical if you want them to follow your values. Your modelling will have a big impact on how they see and interpret the world.
Always work hard to make communication a key feature of your relationship. Find the time to talk to them and listen with sensitivity to what they have to say.
As a parent you will need to be flexible and open to frequent changes. A child’s life is not static and prepare to grow yourself as a parent over the years.
To show that your love is unconditional having a strong and constant presence in their life is so important. You will, from time to time be disappointed but your love does not come with conditions.
Try to introduce some regular patterns into family life. This could be the ritual of a family meal together, reading at bed time etc. Children find ritual comforting.
Try to be a positive person. We know that sound mental health can be directly linked to having a positive disposition. A child feels more secure around a happy parent.
Try not to make judgements too quickly when your child talks to you about challenging situations. They need to feel safe talking to you without feeling that you will disapprove.
All our children ask of us is to be the best we can. That means being authentic, accepting your mistakes and treating them with the dignity and care that you wish for yourself.
“Parenthood... it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.’”
What do we as parents expect from our children?
Becoming a parent means transitioning into a consultant role for your child as they grow and become more responsible for their own lives. Your steady support and guidance will shape their future significantly. Gail Smith shares some essential considerations for parents as we navigate the challenges that concern us or cause discontent.
Sometimes it is worthwhile to reflect on what we expect from our children. In doing this we can challenge ourselves about how we tackle issues that worry us or make us discontent. Also it encourages us to reflect on our expectations and to question the standards we set for our children.
Consider:
Respect: Parents want their children to treat them and others with respect, including following instructions, listening attentively, and showing empathy. Of course they will learn much about respect from our own modelling.
Responsibility: Parents hope their children will take responsibility for their actions, chores, and commitments, demonstrating independence and accountability. In taking responsibility they will need to be gradually given more independence.
Success: Parents desire their children to succeed in various aspects of life, whether academically, professionally, or personally, achieving their goals and aspirations. Remember to set expectations that are realistic and not simply your dreams. This can be a CHALLENGE FOR SOME PARENTS.
Happiness: Above all, parents want their children to be happy and content, pursuing activities and relationships that bring them joy and fulfilment. By giving them many and varied opportunities to experience life will create a thirst for more, especially in seeking happiness.
Kindness: Parents value kindness and compassion in their children, hoping they will be considerate and helpful towards others, fostering positive relationships and community spirit. This is where good modelling is important. Surround your children with well balanced people as well.
Resilience: Parents wish for their children to develop resilience and perseverance, being able to overcome challenges and setbacks with determination and resilience. If you want them to be risk takers let them solve their own problems and encourage self determination.
Independence: Parents want their children to become independent individuals capable of making decisions, solving problems, and taking care of themselves as they grow older. This requires you the parent to gradually let go and allow your child to make their own mistakes and deal with the consequences.
Communication: Parents appreciate open and honest communication with their children, fostering trust and understanding in their relationship. Therefore be an effective listener and respect their conversations. Try not to judge what they have to say but rather allow them to express their feelings and beliefs openly.
Gratitude: Parents hope their children will be grateful for the love, support, and opportunities provided to them, showing appreciation for what they have and for the efforts of others. For them to show gratitude you will need to be a grateful and humble person yourself.
Health and Safety: Above all, parents want their children to be healthy, safe, and secure, both physically and emotionally, prioritizing their well-being above everything else. You can help here by encouraging your child to be physically active and by building their personal confidence they grow stronger intellectually and emotionally.
As the parent you gradually become a consultant to your child as they grow older and take over their own responsibility for their life. Your strong and consistent presence will have a long lasting impact on your child.
“The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how to get along without them.”
Let’s reflect on how we are going in our parenting
Parenting is like a river, always moving and changing with our children's needs. As they grow, we should grow too. Take a moment now and then to see how you're doing as a parent. Gail Smiths shares some great ideas to help you build an even better bond with your child.
Every now and again it is worth checking in to see how you are travelling as a parent. Here are some thoughts that may trigger some simple changes that benefit you in building a stronger relationship with your child.
How do you feel about your current communication with your child? Do you think you are communicating well? Keep in mind the importance of simply listening to your child.
Are there areas in your parenting where you feel confident, and where do you feel you could improve? Think about how you could improve in certain areas. Perhaps look on line for courses or simply chat to other parents. It is wonderful to do some critical reflection in this area.
What strategies do you use to connect with your child on an emotional level? Think about how you talk about emotions. Are you an open person in this area of communication or not?
How do you handle conflicts or disagreements with your child? Do you need to work on this area, learning to be more compromising and prepared to be a negotiator? This can be quite a stopping block in communicating with our children.
Are you satisfied with the balance between setting boundaries and fostering independence in your child? Are you prepared to keep adjusting that line of giving your child progressively more independence? They of course will keep up the demand for more independence overtime.
What values or principles do you prioritize in your parenting approach? Am I prepared to accept other values? Remember we don’t have access to all the truth about such matters as dress, proper language, beliefs etc.
How do you manage stress or frustration when parenting becomes challenging? This is an area that we need to reflect on as we model so much to our children. Your anxiety can easily transfer to them.
Are there any specific aspects of your relationship with your child that you would like to strengthen? It is always good to reflect on the quality of our parenting as our children grow and change overtime and their parenting needs keep shifting.
How do you express love and appreciation to your child? Children need regularly to be nurtured and reassured. Do you need to press the refresh button in this area from time to time.
What changes, if any, would you like to make in your parenting style or approach? If you genuinely feel a need for change there are many parenting courses on offer. The more we understand about parenting, the safer and more reliable the journey as a parent.
Do I think I am getting my own needs met and my feelings of self worth as a parent? Feeling mentally strong and healthy yourself will make all the difference to your parenting.
Finally, always keep everything in perspective. Parenting is part of the human condition and it is not a perfect discipline. We are constantly evolving as parents and growing children and with that comes shifting demands and needs of parenting. Some of it is trial and error. Some comes automatically, some comes learnt from family habits and some is simply learnt on the spot. Parenting is a very fluid process of adjusting to constantly developing needs of children. As our children grow, we should keep growing as parents.
“I came to parenting the way most of us do- knowing nothing and trying to learn everything.”
We need to regulate our angry responses around children
It's important for parents to stay calm and not get too angry too quickly. This helps in handling issues at home effectively. When parents get angry, children might not understand why and it can harm the parent-child relationship. It's best to manage anger by taking a break before addressing the problem, as this shows emotional control and helps maintain a positive relationship with your child.
Maintaining composure and not getting too angry too quickly is crucial for effective parenting. Here are six reasons why this is important. The examples given are helpful in identifying the sorts of issues that happen at home. It is very easy and quick to turn to anger when disappointed in some behaviour, tired, irritable or just plain out of sorts. A child often doesn’t understand why you reach that point. So taking care to keep levels of anger down and to take time out before addressing the issue is the best resolution.
Modelling Emotional Regulation: When a child spills a drink accidentally, instead of getting angry immediately, say, "It's okay, accidents happen. Let's clean it up together." By staying calm, you teach your child how to manage their own emotions. They also listen and don’t shut down when you keep calm.
Teaching Problem-Solving Skills: If your child forgets their homework, rather than reacting with anger, say, "Let's figure out a solution together. How can we make sure you remember your homework in the future?" This approach helps your child learn to address challenges constructively. If they expect you to react angrily they will build anxiety over time and will avoid being in contact with you.
Promoting a Safe and Trusting Environment: If your child confesses to a mistake, like breaking a toy, avoid immediate anger and instead say, "Thank you for telling me the truth. We can find a way to fix it together." This encourages honesty and trust. We don’t want them to develop a fear over telling the truth
Preventing Escalation of Conflict: If a sibling argument arises, try not to jump in with anger. Instead, say, "Let's all take a deep breath and talk about what happened calmly." By staying composed, you prevent conflicts from worsening.
Maintaining Effective Communication: If your child receives a poor grade, don't react with anger. Instead, say, "Let's talk about what happened and how we can help you improve." This approach encourages open communication and problem-solving.
Protecting Your Child's Self-Esteem: If your child struggles with a task, don't express frustration. Instead, say, "It's okay to find this challenging. We all have things we need to practice." This protects their self-esteem and promotes a growth mindset.
Keeping your anger under control is all about emotional regulation. If a child believes that anger is your first response, your relationship with them will deteriorate and in many cases, children shut down or simply keep you out of the loop. That is their survival tactic to avoid the repercussions of anger, which is seen as a form of power and control.
If you have a relaxed and understanding approach and keep your tone calm and sympathetic, your child will approach you comfortably and with the absolute truth.
‘My job as a parent isn’t to control my child’s emotions. My job as a parent is to control mine.’
-Shelley Robinson
Valuable resources for mastering effective communication with your child
In the hustle of a busy day, we might find ourselves talking quickly and sharply to our children. This can be frustrating for both parents and kids, as everyone wants to be heard and understood. It's normal to feel irritated when we don't get a response or feel like no one is listening. Gail Smith has some great tips to help us support our children and improve our conversations. Learning these skills can make a huge difference in how we communicate.
In the rush of the busy day, we sometimes talk to our children in short sharp bursts. This can be frustrating for the parent and the child, both struggling to be heard and to have their needs met. It is no wonder that we become irritated when we don't get an answer or we feel no one is listening.
Here are some helpful skills that we can use to support a child who needs to be heard. Acquiring these skills can significantly enhance the quality of our conversations.
When a child starts talking and you feel it is important to listen, then attending is a key skill to learn. This involves really being with the child, making appropriate eye contact, being still and focusing on what they have to say. This is all about using the right body language to let your child know that you are really listening. Here you give your total attention to the child.
Silence is a wonderful tool in showing your child that you are really listening. This means no interruptions to their talk and passively hearing what they have to say. Silence can be very powerful in communicating. It is especially helpful if the child is upset, angry or anxious.
As the child talks in order to let them know you are truly listening you can give head nods or perhaps mutter for example, ’Hmm, Really, Yes.” This gives them ongoing reassurance that you are listening and not making any judgements on what they have to say.
Encourage them to keep talking. ‘Would you like to talk more about that?’ This is indicating that you are there to listen and you want them to have every opportunity to talk for as long as they feel necessary. This is very helpful to young children who find it hard to articulate what they have to say.
If you feel your child needs the time to be heard, find a suitable place to have the conversations. Distractions, noise etc. can stop their flow of conversation leading to disappointment and frustration.
Keep to the same level as your child instead of towering over them. This makes them feel that you are genuinely listening.
Have a positive disposition as they talk. This may mean smiling and reassuring them that their feelings are valued.
When talking back use a gentle tone of voice where the child feels that there is no judgement or disappointment.
Finally, you can use active listening. This is picking up on what they see and repeating the essence of their conversation. ‘You said that when you fell on the school yard you felt so sad.’ Picking up the essence of their talk and especially the emotion will give them fuel for talking back with more information.
To help your child after they have disclosed something important and you have listened well, be clear in what you have to say, be correct in your response and always show compassion. In this way you develop trust.
“If you respect your child, then listen to what they have to say.”
Using 'I' statements to get your message across to your child
"I" statements are about expressing your needs and feelings directly, fostering genuine communication. They help your child understand your perspective better, whether you're addressing a concern or praising their actions. Together with Gail Smith, let’s explore the impact of "I" statements in family communication.
An 'I' statement is all about self disclosure. It lets the person know that you have needs and feelings. It also let's the other person know your genuine thoughts. When you use 'I' statements with your child they have a much better understanding of how you feel.
Consider the positive 'I' statement:
“I am happy that you have cleared the table”.
“I feel better now that you are working on your homework”.
“I am excited that you got such a great result for your test. You tried so hard”.
• Giving your child a better understanding of your feelings gives them a stronger message and one that they appreciate and internalize more.
• Take care not to use the 'You' statement. It sounds so judgmental and evaluative. All the child hears is that sense of being judged even if it is a positive statement.
“You did the right thing by cleaning your room.” Here you feel that cleaning the room was almost a punishment! How about saying: “I am so pleased you cleaned the room. It looks so tidy now.”
• All positive 'I' messages should be a natural, spontaneous expression of your feelings. Your child will feel more secure when you use positive 'I' statements to deliver messages. They will hear your needs and respond in a happier way. I would even argue that they will listen with more intent.
Finally, when you give your child an 'I' statement, you are inviting them to address something that concerns you or perhaps you are praising them for something wonderful you noticed about them. The primary thoughts behind an 'I' statement are coming from you.