Opinions: Can be damning to a child if not managed well

We all have opinions. What we need to teach our children is that you do not judge yourself on what others think of you. From an early age we remind our children that they are worthy of making good judgements for themselves.

Teach your children that:

• What other people say about or to you can only affect you if you believe them. This is all about building their self worth.

• You are in charge of how you feel. When you get others bringing you down keep reminding yourself that they have no value at all.

• No one can make you feel inferior without our consent, said Eleanor Roosevelt. Therefore, you do not give anyone consent to put you down.

• Be proud of your opinions and know that they are valued. Not everyone may believe them but they are yours to own and to express to others. After all success comes from believing in yourself.

• Gravitate around positive people that are not in the habit of bringing people down. This makes for happier lasting friendships.

• People that have strong opinions about others are usually very poor listeners and are not interesting to be around as a friend. In fact they can bring you down very easily as they control the conversations usually in a negative way.

• Choose friends wisely as this will be a big boost to a happy childhood.

Finally teach your children that you are there to listen to them with no judgement and that you value what they have to say. With affirming parenting, they will take advantage of your wisdom.

“Listen to your child’s opinions and applaud their creative approach to life.”

— Gail J Smith

How To Keep Your Anger Under Control Around Children

Being angry from time to time is natural. We cannot be even tempered all the time and there are often triggers that will set us off. Tiredness and being over busy are catalysts for feeling anger. We know that children can become quite anxious if a parent shows a lot of anger from time to time. Intermittent anger can be very confusing for a child and they will often withdraw when that happens.  Uncontrolled anger from a parent can have severe effects on a child.

Below are some recommendations to practise reducing your anger. They are excellent strategies to use which will also have a calming effect on yourself. This will benefit your moods and overall well being. There is strength in calmness.

Consider:

• Practice Deep Breathing: When you feel anger rising, take a moment to breathe deeply. Inhale slowly for a count of four, hold for a count of four, and exhale for a count of four. Repeat this a few times to help calm your mind and body.

• Take a Timeout: Just like children, parents can benefit from a timeout. If you feel overwhelmed, step away for a few minutes to collect your thoughts. This can help prevent you from saying or doing something in anger that you might regret later.

• Identify Triggers: Pay attention to what specific situations or behaviours trigger your anger. Understanding your triggers allows you to anticipate and manage them better, reducing the likelihood of an outburst.

• Use Positive Self-Talk: Remind yourself that anger is a natural emotion but it can be controlled. Use phrases like “I can handle this calmly” or “I am in control of my emotions” to re frame your mindset in stressful situations.

• Implement Physical Activity: Physical exercise is a great way to release built-up tension and stress. Incorporate regular physical activity into your routine, whether it’s a daily walk, yoga, or a quick workout, to help manage your anger levels.

• Communicate Openly: Express your feelings in a calm and constructive manner. Use “I” statements to explain how you feel and why, without blaming or criticising your child. For example, say “I feel frustrated when the toys are left out because it makes the room messy” instead of “You never clean up your toys.”

• Be Authentic: Your child knows you well. Talk to them about the things that can make you upset and this will help them take more responsibility when they bring up certain topics. It is also a positive family thing to do when families talk about what makes them angry.

Through managing your anger you are setting a great example for your child. They will see the effort being made and recognise that controlling anger is a necessary skill to live effectively.

‘Being calm, you show strength through your actions.’

-Gail J Smith

Managing anger in children

There are many ways we can respond to anger. Consider the following ideas to help with managing anger.

Teach Your Child Acceptable Responses to Anger

• They can simply walk away from the person making them angry.

• Find a spot to cool off.

• Think about positive thoughts that take you away form the anger

• Tell yourself to keep calm.

Teaching How to Handle Big Feelings

• Kids need to learn how to handle their big feelings like anger. It helps them deal with tough situations better. Talk about what is a big feeling.

• Teach simple breathing exercises or offer a cosy spot when they're upset. Show them it's okay to talk about feelings and find ways to let out anger without hurting anyone, like drawing or going for a run.

• Solving problems and talking nicely

• Learning to manage anger teaches children how to fix problems without fighting and how to talk nicely.

• Practise talking about what's bothering them without yelling. Show how to listen when someone else is upset and find ways to fix things together. Always create  a calm, warm atmosphere when talking about anxious matters.

Making Friends and Being Happy

•  Handling anger nicely helps kids make good friends and be happy in school and at home.

•  Role-play situations where they can practise talking without getting mad. Encourage being kind and understanding to others to build strong friendships.

 Feeling Calm and Relaxed

•  Managing anger helps kids feel calm and relaxed instead of stressed or upset all the time.

•  Try relaxation activities like deep breaths or listening to calming music. Doing fun activities or games that they enjoy also helps release stress. A basketball ring outside in the yard is a great stress buster

Getting Stronger and Smarter

• Learning to handle anger makes kids strong and smart. It helps them learn from mistakes and not give up. With anger under control they are more socially engaging with everyone.

•  Encourage them to think positively when things go wrong. Show how trying different ways to solve a problem can make them better at handling tough situations.

We all have a right to feel angry. It is a natural response when we are disappointed, hurt etc. Teaching our children how to deal with anger in a positive way develops their emotional intelligence and gives them great strategies to operate in many and varied life situations. A person’s well being is really enhanced if they have great skills in managing anger.

‘Teaching your child how their behaviour effects others raises their sensitivities and invites them to rethink their anger.’

 - Gail J Smith

Choose your battles. That’s the best win.

Sometimes being right is not always the best outcome for the situation. Naturally, the feeling of being right can be overpowering and we feel compelled to set everything on the right curve. After all, if you know what’s right, you naturally want to do the right thing.

Actually, we need to think beyond that and realise that choosing your battles will actually empower you better, when working out issues with your children. Resistance comes fast and furious if you are the one with all the answers. Children learn to shut down, not listen and sometimes work in a rebellious way.

Knowing which battles to fight and which ones to leave is a powerful lesson.

 Consider:

• Is winning all the time teaching the child any lessons? Sometimes allowing them to decide even though mistakes are made is a great learning lesson. If your child thinks you are always right and have the answers, how will they ever learn themselves? Here the child becomes dependent on the parent and never seeks answers and solutions for themselves. This is a dangerous direction, leading to very poor self-esteem and I might add poor school performance.

• By demonstrating to your child that you don’t have all the answers and sometimes you let things go, teaches your child the very human face that you present to them. It is a wise parent that sometimes lets things go.

• Remember that some battles are quite insignificant. Consider whether or not it is important to win small victories. Often these are insignificant but can mount up if you are out to win all battles.

• Children learn the art of avoidance very quickly if they have dominant parents that seem to know everything. It is much easier for them not to discuss matters with you. Silence, when used, is a great trick or developed skill. Your child will feel happier not going into battle over matters that they know they will lose. This sets a dangerous precedence and your child will seek out their needs elsewhere.

• When a battle is brewing and you think it is important to bring up, go gently into active listening. Hear their concerns. Try to resolve the matter with some understanding of their needs. Negotiation is the best way forward and will lead to their confidence in approaching you again.

• Think across a day, a week, a month etc. and try not to go into battle too often. It is habit-forming. Try walking away, counting to ten, practise some deep breathing. Find strategies that will reduce your anger and invite more reflection on whether it was worth the battle.

• After you learn to be more intuitive with regard to what is worth the battle, you may find yourself relaxing more and not taking everything so seriously.

Finally, your relationship is not about the battles won but the battles that need to be avoided and the relationship that strengthens by less confrontation.

Some children will press your buttons more than others. Think about what is the driver in their behaviour that makes you so upset. Try to reflect on ways around that and it may be by counting to ten, breathing slowly or simply walking away. Quick reactions leading to control can only reduce your healthy relationship, so be alert to how your child interacts with you.

‘Choose your battles wisely because if you fight them all you’ll be too tired to win the really important ones’.

         -The MindsJournal.com

The words we choose to use.

When you think about your impact on the world and most specially your children, consider that what you say delivers important messages and sends out clear vibes to all within earshot.

          According to a very early philosopher, Horace 65-8BC

                   “words once spoken can never be revoked”

Sounds harsh and yes, we all make mistakes in how and what we say from time to time, but the impact can be great and the words lasting, if hurtful. Children are particularly sensitised to the words we use when we talk to them. Careless speech can have a longer-term memory with children. Name calling is taken to heart and can come under the banner of emotional bullying.

Teachers know all so well that the words they use around children will have an impact on teaching them. They realise very early in their career that their use of language can make or break a child’s interest in learning.

Here are some thoughts on how to manage ourselves in using effective speak around our children.

• It is often said to have your mind well ahead of your mouth. By reflecting on what we are about to say, we can choose our words carefully, which do no harm, but deliver a good message. Some say stop and think before speaking. A small moment of thought can also slow down any quick temper we may have, which can influence how and what we say.

• Watch the tiredness. When we are feeling tired, we are less likely to speak well, but rather more focussed on just getting the message across. Consider if you are tired is it necessary to have an in-depth conversation with your child? Sometimes it is best to wait. Silence can be very effective at times. It allows some mental breathing space.

• Using words well can do an amazing amount of good with our children. They often hang on our words and listen carefully for the intent. The more we speak affectionately using a positive tone of voice, they feel reassured and valued. Never fall into the trap of thinking a louder, sterner voice has more impact. It in fact shuts people down from listening. Minds close in an effort to protect themselves from bombarding sounds.

• Our children live in a world where less speak and more action on social media which is isolating is seen as better. Therefore, sound, healthy discussions using positive language and reassuring words is important to counterman the shrinking oral language used around our children.

• To build a strong relationship which your child you will need to be using language to get messages across, reassure them and nurture them. There is nothing more delightful than hearing words used by a parent that are positive, reassuring, loving and wholesome.

• This is about using words wisely and understanding the power of them to build relationships. Careless, thoughtless words are hurtful and damaging. They serve no positive purpose in strengthening relationships.

• Of course, we can say sorry for careless words used and ask for forgiveness. The challenge is to train ourselves to avoid such language and if necessary, say nothing. Less careless words used presents a very reassuring image as a parent.

An old saying is: if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all. What a fine message this is to finish the blog!

          ‘Choose your words wisely. They reveal your inner character.

                                                          -Jim George

Consider avoiding confrontation where possible.

As children grow older, you may find it better to avoid confrontations and find different ways to amend the situation. Confrontation can be a damaging process for all involved. This is also about being proactive where possible. The less confrontation you have, the better you feel and the overall happiness of the house is maintained. More conflict or the anticipation of potential conflict makes for an unhappy situation.

If your child is inclined to be confronting you about requests you make, consider temporarily delaying the discussion until they are more inclined to listen and work with you over the matter. Finding the right time for both parent and child can make such a difference to the outcome.

Also plan ahead. If you anticipate that your child will react to your request have early discussions about what you expect and how you will help your child reach those goals. Set the scene so that it is not such a big surprise later.

Give your child choices. For example, ‘It is important to clean up the room so that you can go to basketball training’. Make it a clear statement that one action leads to the other. Your child might create their own choices that work for both of you.

Some children need you to be very specific and say it as it is. Without clear directions and consequences, it is difficult for the child to grasp the extent of the problem. Of course, from time to time it is important to sit quietly and actively listen to how they feel about a range of matters. Children who can be confrontational need frequent discussions as they are often quick to be reactive and need your gentle listening skills to understand how they deal with frustration.

In working with children who were quick to be confrontative, it took some time to build a relationship and get them to trust that you were a listener and understood how they felt. They needed to feel reassured that you were not quick to react when you heard things that might make you unsettled. Far too often quick to react children are labelled trouble makers and they often fit that pattern and become easily labelled. Bad experiences beget bad experiences.

 Sometimes parents like setting up contracts with children. I am not a great fan of this method but it can work if both parents and child feel comfortable about the process. Don’t forget to affirm your child when they honour the contract. It is most important here that they feel recognised.

 ‘I statements’ are a clear message to the child about how you feel and don’t forget the wonderful effect of positive ‘I’ statements.

 ‘I really appreciate you cleaning up the yard and now we can find more time to play together. That contract really works.’

Above all understand that confrontation is sometimes necessary. However, with careful planning, strong effective listening and an empathetic approach to your child, the impact of confrontation is reduced.

‘Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.’

-Dorothy Thomas