Raise a Hopeful Child: The Power of a Proactive Parent

As parents, we often find ourselves reacting to moods, meltdowns, lost lunchboxes, and unexpected worries. What if, instead of reacting, we became proactive in shaping the way our children see the world?

Taking a proactive stand isn’t just about routines and boundaries (though those matter). It’s about becoming a quiet architect of your child’s mindset, helping them build resilience, hope, and the ability to look for opportunity even in tough times.

Why Proactive Parenting Matters for Mental Health

Children’s mental health isn’t only about what goes wrong, anxiety, sadness, or stress but about what’s built up before those moments. A proactive approach gives your child tools to handle life before it overwhelms them. It's a map through the storm. A positive outlook in a parent is very catchy with their child.

1. Speak the Language of Possibility

Children are always listening. Every time we say, “That’s too hard,” they absorb that as truth. But if we say, “Let’s try,” or “We’ll figure it out,” we are teaching them to hope. Anything is possible is the motto.

Try this:

Instead of: “Maths is hard, isn’t it?”

Say: “This looks tricky, but let’s see what we can do.”

Over time, your child starts to think, “I can try,” rather than, “I’m stuck.”

2. Name Strengths, Not Just Struggles

It’s easy to focus on what children aren’t doing — not sitting still, not finishing homework, not listening. But if we call out what is working, we help them see themselves as capable.

Example:

“You really kept going, even when that puzzle was frustrating. That’s called perseverance. It’s a brilliant strength.” Naming the good makes it grow. Be an opportunist, spot the strengths.

3. Model Hope, Even in Small Things

If your child sees you problem-solve calmly, laugh at mistakes, and stay optimistic, they’re more likely to do the same. Be authentic when dealing with your child.

For instance:

When plans change unexpectedly, say:

“Well, that’s not what we thought would happen! Let’s make a Plan B.”

This shows them that life doesn’t have to go perfectly to go well.

4. Ask Empowering Questions

When your child is upset, don’t rush in with solutions. Instead, invite them to think.

• “What do you think we could try next?”

• “What helped last time?”

• “If your friend felt like this, what would you say to them?”

These questions grow problem-solving skills and emotional confidence.

What’s the Takeaway?

Being proactive isn’t about being perfect. It’s about planting seeds of courage, optimism, and hope in the everyday moments. It’s small words, quiet praise, and helping your child look ahead instead of feeling stuck.

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.”

— Helen Keller

Simple ways to help your child with their anxiety issues

If you’ve ever felt like your child worries more than they should, or gets overwhelmed by small setbacks, you’re not alone. Today’s children are growing up in a world full of pressure: school demands, social media, the news, even our own stress. It's no wonder anxiety is showing up more in younger children.

However we can teach them how to be resilient,

What Does Anxiety Look Like in Young Children?

Children often don’t say “I’m anxious”, instead, it shows up in their behaviour:

• They might refuse to go to school.

• They complain of tummy aches with no medical cause.

• They get tearful or angry when a routine changes.

• They say things like, “I can’t do it” or “Everyone’s better than me.”

• They become silent

Sound familiar? These are all ways that anxiety can appear in children, especially in the early years and primary school.

So, What Can Parents Do Right Now?

1. Name the Feeling

Young children often feel better just from knowing what they’re feeling has a name.

Instead of saying: “Don’t worry — it’s nothing.”

Try: “It sounds like you’re feeling a bit nervous. That’s okay — we all feel like that sometimes.”

This helps them recognize and label emotions, which is the first step in managing them.

2. Model 'Brave Behaviour'

Children learn most from what they see. If they watch you facing challenges (even small ones) with a steady attitude, they start to believe they can do the same.

For example:

“I’ve got a big presentation at work today and I feel nervous, but I’ve prepared, and I’m going to try my best.”

This shows that being nervous is normal, and that bravery means doing things even when we feel a bit scared. Show them it’s all about taking control of those nervous feelings.

3. Praise the Process, Not Just the Outcome

Instead of focusing on whether something was done perfectly, celebrate the effort.

For example:

“I saw you kept trying with that tricky puzzle. That was brilliant persistence!”

This builds a growth mindset, helping children see setbacks as part of learning, not signs of failure.

4. Small actions count

Encourage small acts of courage every day. Start with achievable steps, like putting their hand up in class, or trying a new food and celebrate them. Multiple small achievements that are praised make a big difference!

Make a “Brave Jar” at home: every time your child does something that feels brave, they get to put a marble or token in the jar. Watch it grow!

5. Create Calm Routines

Predictable routines help anxious children feel safe. Try keeping mornings calm and consistent, breakfast, brushing teeth, packing bags in the same order. Same organized routine for nigh time.

6. Watch Your Own Anxiety

Children are emotional sponges. If you’re often saying, “I’m so stressed,” or showing panic in tough situations, they will absorb that.

Take moments to breathe, pause, and model calm responses even when you’re faking it a bit. You’re teaching emotional regulation without saying a word. Try to avoid words about yourself like stress, anxious, frightened ,weak, vulnerable.

When Should You Seek Help?

If your child’s anxiety is stopping them from taking part in everyday life, refusing school regularly, withdrawing from friends, or having frequent meltdowns, it might be time to talk to the teacher, your GP, school councillor or a child therapist.

Final Thought: Bravery Grows Slowly — But It Grows

Raising a resilient child doesn’t mean they’ll never struggle. It means they’ll know how to bounce back, try again, and keep going. That’s the greatest gift we can give them. It’s called resilience.

You don’t need to have all the answers. Let them see that we are not all perfect. Just walk alongside them, name the feelings, and keep reminding them: “You’ve got this, and I’ve got you.”

“It’s not whether you get knocked down. It’s whether you get up.”

— Vince Lombardi

How to Support Your Child’s Mental Health Through School Without Over Complicating It

School is a huge part of your child’s life. It can be stressful. From friendship fallouts to academic pressure, it’s no wonder mental health is one of the top concerns for families today. But supporting your child’s well-being doesn’t have to mean long lectures or expensive therapies. Sometimes, it’s the simple, everyday things that make the biggest difference.

Consider:

Teach Them to Name Their Feelings and You Name Yours Too

Kids can't manage what they can't name.

Instead of just asking “How was school?”, try asking:

• “What was something that made you happy/sad/frustrated today?”

• “Was there a moment today you felt proud of yourself?”

Better yet, model it yourself: “I felt nervous today because of a big meeting, but I took some deep breaths and got through it.”

Why this works: Kids learn to recognize and handle emotions when they hear you doing it.

Make Space for ‘Down Time’ After School

Imagine finishing a long workday and going straight into more tasks — exhausting, right? Kids need that same recovery time.

Instead of asking them to immediately do homework or talk about the day, try:

• 20 minutes of quiet play

• A snack and a cuddle on the sofa

• Listening to music together

Why this works: It helps them regulate and reset, which makes later conversations or homework battles much easier. We all need space across the day.

Focus on Effort, Not Just Results

When your child shares a test score or project result, it’s tempting to focus on what they got. But instead, try praising the effort behind it:

• “I’m so proud of how hard you worked on that.”

• “I love how you kept going, even when it was tough.”

Why this works: Kids learn that trying is what counts, which builds resilience when things don’t go perfectly. It's OK to get some things wrong.

Keep an Eye on Friendships and Step In If Needed

Friendships are huge for kids' mental health.

Ask casually:

• “Who did you hang out with today?”

• “What was the best part of playtime?”

If you notice they’re upset about friends often, don’t dismiss it. Offer to role-play tricky situations or brainstorm what to say if things get tough. Remember you are not there to take over the problem.

Why this works: Feeling socially safe helps kids relax, focus, and enjoy school more.

Let Teachers Know if Something’s Up

If your child is struggling with sleep issues, anxiety, friendship worries, tell the teacher. You don’t need to give every detail, but a heads-up helps them watch out and support your child in small, thoughtful ways. They spend many hours with them in the best part of the day.

Example email you could send:

"Hi Miss Smith, just wanted to let you know that Jack has been feeling a bit anxious lately, especially in class. If you notice anything or have suggestions, we’d love to hear from you."

Why this works: Teachers can’t help with what they don’t know, and they want to help.

“Supporting your child’s mental health isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present”

— Gail J Smith

Keep A Look Out For Signs Of Stress In Your Child

We live in a world where we intermittently check in on our children's mental health. The pressures through social media and other youth-driven challenges alert us to the need to be vigilant. Below are some known triggers that can be a sign of unacceptable stress in your child. Some stress is normal, and we live with it, finding ways to work it through our life. However, when stress is out of control, we need to intervene.  Occasionally tap into your child's well-being index by checking in to these signs:

Changes in Sleep Patterns

Difficulty falling or staying asleep or frequent nightmares can indicate stress. Conversely, a child may sleep excessively to escape stressful feelings.

Behavioural Changes

Increased irritability, mood swings, or withdrawal from family and friends can be signs of stress. A usually outgoing child becoming withdrawn or a calm child suddenly acting out can be indicators.

Physical Symptoms

 Complaints of headaches, stomachaches, or other unexplained physical symptoms can manifest as stress. These symptoms often occur without a medical cause and can be recurring.

Academic Performance

 A sudden drop in grades, lack of interest in school, or difficulty concentrating on schoolwork can be signs of stress. Stress can impact cognitive functions and overall academic engagement. Always check first with the teacher.

Changes in Eating Habits

Noticeable changes in appetite, such as eating much more or much less than usual, can be a response to stress. This includes skipping meals or binge eating.

Regression to Earlier Behaviours

 Reverting to behaviours typical of a younger age, such as bed wetting, clinginess, or thumb-sucking, can indicate that a child is experiencing stress and is seeking comfort.

 Frequent Crying

A child who cries easily or often without a clear reason may be experiencing stress. This can be a way for them to release pent-up emotions.

Avoidance Behaviours

 A child might try to avoid certain situations or activities that they previously enjoyed, or that are typical for their age group. This could include avoiding school, social events, or specific tasks.

Increased Dependency

 A stressed child may become more clingy or dependent on their parents or caregivers, seeking constant reassurance and comfort.

Excessive Worrying or Fearfulness

Persistent worry about various aspects of their life, including school, family, or friends, can be a sign of stress. This might manifest as asking repetitive questions about upcoming events or expressing fears that seem disproportionate to the situation.

When you build a relationship that is open and honest with your child, you will find that your child is more willing to talk to you about their feelings of stress. The above thoughts are just a guiding tool to raise your awareness of symptoms of unacceptable stress that may appear in your child from time to time.

 The stress your child feels will be lightened by your ever loving and understanding presence.  -Gail J Smith

Choose your battles. That’s the best win.

Sometimes being right is not always the best outcome for the situation. Naturally, the feeling of being right can be overpowering and we feel compelled to set everything on the right curve. After all, if you know what’s right, you naturally want to do the right thing.

Actually, we need to think beyond that and realise that choosing your battles will actually empower you better, when working out issues with your children. Resistance comes fast and furious if you are the one with all the answers. Children learn to shut down, not listen and sometimes work in a rebellious way.

Knowing which battles to fight and which ones to leave is a powerful lesson.

 Consider:

• Is winning all the time teaching the child any lessons? Sometimes allowing them to decide even though mistakes are made is a great learning lesson. If your child thinks you are always right and have the answers, how will they ever learn themselves? Here the child becomes dependent on the parent and never seeks answers and solutions for themselves. This is a dangerous direction, leading to very poor self-esteem and I might add poor school performance.

• By demonstrating to your child that you don’t have all the answers and sometimes you let things go, teaches your child the very human face that you present to them. It is a wise parent that sometimes lets things go.

• Remember that some battles are quite insignificant. Consider whether or not it is important to win small victories. Often these are insignificant but can mount up if you are out to win all battles.

• Children learn the art of avoidance very quickly if they have dominant parents that seem to know everything. It is much easier for them not to discuss matters with you. Silence, when used, is a great trick or developed skill. Your child will feel happier not going into battle over matters that they know they will lose. This sets a dangerous precedence and your child will seek out their needs elsewhere.

• When a battle is brewing and you think it is important to bring up, go gently into active listening. Hear their concerns. Try to resolve the matter with some understanding of their needs. Negotiation is the best way forward and will lead to their confidence in approaching you again.

• Think across a day, a week, a month etc. and try not to go into battle too often. It is habit-forming. Try walking away, counting to ten, practise some deep breathing. Find strategies that will reduce your anger and invite more reflection on whether it was worth the battle.

• After you learn to be more intuitive with regard to what is worth the battle, you may find yourself relaxing more and not taking everything so seriously.

Finally, your relationship is not about the battles won but the battles that need to be avoided and the relationship that strengthens by less confrontation.

Some children will press your buttons more than others. Think about what is the driver in their behaviour that makes you so upset. Try to reflect on ways around that and it may be by counting to ten, breathing slowly or simply walking away. Quick reactions leading to control can only reduce your healthy relationship, so be alert to how your child interacts with you.

‘Choose your battles wisely because if you fight them all you’ll be too tired to win the really important ones’.

         -The MindsJournal.com

Tiredness can be a killer at times

This is just a brief reminder that tiredness can be an enemy in building relationships at times. When we are tired our capacity to think straight, our interest in doing things well and our ability to pay attention are down. When we are like this and more vulnerable, we are more inclined to damage and neglect relationships, which then leads to the need to recover and repair.

Teachers who are skilled in understanding their levels of tiredness choose to teach according to how they feel. I always remember coming to school one day with no voice! Not a sensible thing to do. The children then decided to have a silent day! Well, it worked, but in hindsight, I should have been at home resting. A teacher will redirect their planned work if they are not feeling up to the mark. This flexibility is a responsible way of managing your work and ensuring that your performance fits how you feel.

Consider:

• When you are tired, debating issues with your child can be a lose/ lose scenario. Delay such a plan. Nobody wants to go into damage control if possible.

• Being tired leaves you open to say things more loosely. It can also quicken your temper. Nobody wants to go into damage control while tired. Remember that things said take a while to unravel.

• Do you really listen to everything with clarity when you are tired? Take care not to agree to certain matters while tired. You could regret that later. Children can be very clever in choosing their time!

• Sometimes it is easier not to be too present with your child on that day when you are feeling tired. This is being proactive and avoiding conflictual situations. Are there others that can deal with the matter?

• Your child may not understand that tiredness affects your judgement. This is especially the case with younger children. Tell them that when tired, it is not the best time to discuss important matters. Tiredness limits how you can best help them.

• Sometimes our comprehension of situations can be dulled when tired. Try not to make important decisions with your child or final statements when not feeling ready.

• Do not be too hard on yourself if you feel that you just can’t deal with your child’s issue at that time. You are human and respect the fact that you want to give the best to your child. Being tired is not the best time.

‘I am feeling a little tired now. Can we discuss that matter later today?’

The more you let your child understand how you feel, the more likely they will be to approach you when ready. After all, they also want the best from the conversation and especially to be really heard. They learn quickly to choose the best time to satisfy their needs.

‘The worst thing about being tired is the negative twist of perception’

-Rosamond Rice

It's just sibling business.

How often do you wonder when and if to interfere when siblings get angry with each other. Most parents try to settle the affairs with the best of intentions but sometimes, is it necessary to interfere?

Let us remind ourselves that all our children are significantly different in temperament, attitude to life, capacity to solve issues etc. No child develops in exactly the same way as each other.

Another compounding issue to create difference is the order of the sibling. Generally first children are more cautious, second children are more robust and by the time you get to third and fourth, they develop considerable survival and resilience skills, as parents treat them with considerable experience and more ease.

Teachers are always commenting on how different children in the same family learn and how they process information differently.

Here I say, let's celebrate the difference rather than feel the frustration of managing them!

When should we step into our children’s arguments and when shouldn’t we?

When they choose to fight consider the following:

• Is this issue worth my involvement?

• Is the conflict causing considerable distress to one of the children?

• Is there bullying of a younger sibling?

• Are their disagreements frequent or just occasional differences which are quite normal.

• Is it always about the same issue?

Once you establish whether you consider your involvement necessary, take care to:

• Talk to both children at separate times in a calm situation.

• Listen with fairness.

When the behaviour is understood suggest that some compromises should be made by both parties.

• Affirm the children for being prepared to calmly negotiate.

• Agree to check in later to see if that angry feeling still exists in some form.

By doing these steps you are further teaching the child, the art of negotiation without coming up with solutions yourself (these generally never work well!).

When working with children, I was very conscious to consider their individuality and not to refer to their siblings specifically. Every child needs to have that sense of personal space to discuss their own emotional needs and to feel valued for who they are as individuals. This would mean that how you supported that child could be quite different for their siblings

Sometimes anger in the family unit between siblings is all about seeking the upper hand with attention. Recognising and affirming their differences is the best way to overcome their feeling of inferiority in a family. It is quite natural for the child to have feelings of doubt and insecurity. Your task is to reassure and value them for who they are with all its uniqueness.

It is also a realistic fact that families are complex settings with growing children, edging for attention, busy parents listening on the run and busy school weeks with high demands throughout.

Here are a few checks to help keep the family setting as calm and steady as possible:

• Check in with the children once a week about issues that have caused them to be angry with each other.

• Applaud efforts where a child shows a strong ability to negotiate with another sibling.

• Play family games such as monopoly, pick up sticks etc.

• Take care not to react too quickly when angry scenes occur. Take your time and in a calm setting, start the conversation.

• Watch your communication with children ensuring that no one child is seen in a disadvantaged light to the other in the way you use language.

Above all, see the situation as resolvable and recognise that it will pass. Therefore, keep everything in proportion and move on from the situation quickly. Certainly, your child will move on quickly as all children generally do with unsettled sibling behaviour.

Teach our children to like themselves first

A big issue for children at any age is to find a friend. I would also add to this that sustaining friends can be difficult for some children. Once a child feels vulnerable and struggles to settle into a friendship, they often manifest behaviour which can be quite unattractive to other children generally in the form of attention seeking, sulking etc.

Once a child is at peace with themselves, they will naturally attract others. Often parents come up with all sorts of suggestions to their child about how to make a friend, most fail as this is not the way to attract others to you.

A parent can help by simply supporting the child to notice and enjoy their own person.

For example, when you notice a strength of your child, talk about it.

When you see them being joyous and happy comment on how attractive they are when they smile.

Every time you notice how positive others are to your child, comment.

“It looks like Jenny likes the way you pass the ball in basketball”

“Did you notice how Josh smiles at you when you told that joke”.

Here you are simply encouraging them to reflect on their behaviour and the impact it has on others.

In working with children, I would sometimes encourage children to write down something that they like about another child. When that child read what was written about them, it had quite an impact recognising how they were valued.

Some children develop very early the art of establishing friends. One could say it almost comes naturally to them. The truth is that others like their steady, calm style.

However, most children have to work at building friendships, slowly and steadily and many go through the pain of losing them and having to re-establish themselves. This is quite normal and over time most develop sound strategies in building lasting relationships after much trial and error.

As a parent, your role is to raise their awareness of how capable they are in various areas especially social areas. I know of several parents who have a regular activity of writing down noticeable behaviours of their children that are very favourable especially when they interact with others.

For example:

“ I noticed how happy Jack was when you helped him with his Lego set.”

 As the child grows more in personal self-confidence and emotional maturity, they will naturally attract others. They will learn the important rule that relationships work well when you value the other person.

Never underestimate how they observe your relationships with friends.

It is all about watch and learn from parents!

It’s important a child is at peace with themselves so that they will naturally attract others.

What is really the truth for a child?

Let's refer to our younger children, preschoolers and possibly up to ten years of age.  A concern parents sometimes have is finding the truth from tricky situations that usually end up in tears etc.

When a child is under pressure and feels some anxiety in explaining a situation which could lead them into trouble and no doubt prove their guilt, it is not uncommon that they can fantasise situations to avoid the truth. To me, this is not actually lying but is the child's mind finding a coping mechanism to ensure that the child's anxieties stop rising. This is sometimes hard for parents to accept, especially if the truth is very obvious. Sometimes, with older children, they will focus on the blame and shaming of others involved or those that caused them to do the wrong thing. This is displacement and yet another way of coping by not telling the truth and once again reducing their anxiety levels.

Of course a vicious cycle then can switch into action. The parents becomes angrier and more frustrated and so the child recognising the heightened level of stress will hold on to their fantasy to save their emotional state. Sometimes they simply become silent which further frustrates parents.

Let's look at this another way. If we want the truth, we need to set up an environment that not only encourages the truth, but also affirms and celebrates the child's ability to speak the truth.

Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed. 

•  When a child says the truth even over incidental and less emotive reasons affirm them.

 “Thanks for telling the truth about the spilt milk. I know that you understand how slippery and dangerous it can be on the floor”. In other words, you recognise that telling the truth improved the situation.

•  As a family talk about how telling the truth is important to you. Talk about people you know and value that always tell the truth. Are they well respected?

•  Sometimes children's movies have elements around telling the truth. If watching one, highlight the advantages in speaking the truth.

•  When an incident occurs watch your body language. If you appear hostile and anxious to know the truth, you may not get it as emotional barriers quickly rise in the child. Talk about a time perhaps as a child yourself where you found it difficult to tell the truth. How did  you feel afterwards when it was all over?

•  If a child does fantasise the truth, do not be critical of their story but rather indicate that you have listened and you are still needing to find the true reason.

 “I hear what you have told me. I am feeling upset that I need other information about what has happened and I hope you can help me.”

When the truth is given, remember that forgiveness and moving on are very important.

Your unconditional love for your child is clear when you can move on from the problem, especially when they have been truthful.

In working with children, especially those that sadly were sent to me for some unacceptable behaviour, I would begin by saying:

 “I am hoping you can help me find out about the incident as I need to help everyone      concerned”.

This is being proactive. It then put the child in a less vulnerable situation and shifted the guilt to the centre of the problem. Once the child admitted their involvement, it was a matter of thanking them for their honesty before dealing with the overall problem. This comfortably led them to be honest with some credibility for being truthful.

 Maintaining a child's dignity is important throughout this whole exercise.

Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed.

Feeling sorry is important but within reason.

Do you have a very sensitive child? If so, you will understand how sometimes they will disproportionately worry or feel upset over matters. Do you have a child always apologising or perhaps getting upset very easily over minor matters.

This blog is about putting worries into proportion. I heard recently a psychologist talk about how something in her past as a child stayed with her for a very long time. She had deep feelings of regret and sorrow over a matter which was not seen in the correct light or understood by adults. It was a displaced issue where someone in the family had died but she had not seen them for a while and as a small child she felt some responsibility for their passing. This may sound a crazy connection, but sometimes a child's mind can carry a sad feeling into adulthood. This silence can be deafening as the years progress.

Think about your own childhood. Were there any incidences that you can recall that brings sadness to your mind and that you attribute yourself to blame? Often families separating when a child is young can stay with the child into adulthood. They question, were they to blame? If only they had done something about it.

These often irrational sorrows can linger in our minds for quite some time in a subliminal way.

In working with children I was always keen to clear the cobwebs so to speak. Invite the child to talk about their fears and worries.

Here are some tips to keep their worries up to the surface of their thoughts and not buried deep to be resurrected as an adult.

• As a family, plan weekly chats about everyone's week. Use this occasion to talk about family issues that have been dealt with and discuss how everyone feels about them.

• If you notice a child not talking about a matter, find a quiet time to chat with them. It is best to deal with matters sooner rather than later.

• Use the scale system. On a scale of one to ten, how did our week go? Be honest about matters that you had to deal with and chat about how you felt at the time.

• At the end of the week, reflect on matters that may have impacted on your child. This gives you the chance to sensitively discuss them as a family. Remember this is about teaching children that talking about feelings is such a  positive and emotionally settling thing to do regularly.

Remember that a child will understand problems subject to their age and how it is understood in the family. This is about teasing out any unsettling matters that may be locked into their minds.

Children should of course feel sorry over matters, but it should be a mentally healthy way of being sorry.

Call your weekly session “the throw away the cobwebs” session.

Irrational sorrows from childhood can linger in our minds for quite some time in a subliminal way.

Keeping school attendance consistent.

I certainly do not want to sound like the punitive Principal who stresses the need to be consistent with school attendence. However, there are sound reasons why being consistent in attending school is so important for your child's overall development.

Firstly, the child needs to develop the life long habit of simply getting up and being accountable to something important, in this case attending school. It is about having a purpose for getting up. Children certainly are keen to be punctual for so many sporting events which they love and for which they feel strongly connected to their peers. Whilst school may not have that same buzz each day, the habit of getting up and regularly attending school teaches them that are honouring an important responsibility.

Behavioural changes can happen if a child does have protracted absences from school. They actually feel anxious about returning as they worry about friendship groups moving on from them. Also missing out on school work causes them to feel less successful in learning and this can cause other problems such as disinterest in their work or general lack of motivation.

In order for children to enjoy school they need to feel successful, socially and through their success in school work. Frequent absences diminishes their capacity to be successful on both scales.

It is also apparent that when children return to school after absences of any length, sometimes their behaviour may change as they are feeling unsure of themselves and their place amongst their peers. Teachers will often comment on the noticeable change.

Another important reason for regular attendance is that you are giving them a strong message that learning is an important part of their life and that you value their attendance each day.

If there are significant reasons for absences including sickness, family holidays etc, discuss with your child why it is important to be absent and plan with the school how you will manage the situation as a family. By doing this you are informing the child that at no point are you not respecting the role of school in their life. It is not incidental, it is a powerful influence in their life, This is all about showing the child that learning is a life long process and should never be seen in an incidental way.

Finally, I appreciate that for some children a week at school can be a long time. It is approximately, five hours a day and the child is being set expectations across that time. Now consider school across ten weeks of a term and forty weeks across the year. This can be a high demand for some children who feel the pressure to succeed or who struggle with peer relations. By allowing them to stay at home only heightens their anxiety.

If school refusal creeps in, parents should act quickly and talk to the school about the matter. Also home should give the child much reassurance that they are proud of their efforts and I would itemise all the positives you notice about school. However, should the child start rejecting school, the sooner it is understood and the child is supported, the quicker the child can move on from being anxious.

Schools are well supported when it comes to helping children settle into school. Of course should a family situation change, sometimes school refusal creeps in as the child may get anxious about home. Whatever the reason, keep the school well in the loop as they take their responsibility very seriously with regard to the child's well being.

By allowing children to stay at home from school only heightens their anxiety.

How do you feel today?

Have you noticed that as a parent you can have very high ups and also downs? Mood swings can be common in most people and especially in parents who are great givers and not takers in their family.

Selflessness can be wearing and there are times as parents finding personal space to recover is difficult juggling work, home and family commitments.

This article reminds us that managing our emotional swings or the more common saying, managing to regulate our emotions is very important around our children. We do need to understand our shifting emotional state and if we tend to get quite low, do we have strategies to help us when in this state?

Do we recognise when we are in this state and especially for prolonged times?

Do we understand ourselves enough to know when our emotional reactions are too extreme in front of our children. Are we able to monitor this or are we struggling to regulate our emotions when dealing with family problems?

Beware of Inter-generational is behavior, such as children repeating patterns of how their parents acted out situations has validity.

Here I am suggesting that too much extreme emotional discharge can create anxiety in children.

I remember parents telling me that when they were over reactive regularly, spontaneously or intermittently, they could see their children's shut down reaction and confused look on their face. They tend to retreat as a means of survival.

The following are some strategies to assist in monitoring your emotional response when around  children.

• Always understand your degree of tiredness. This will help you make decisions on how capable you are to have discussions about family matters that can be emotive. It is best to say that given your tiredness, the matter can be discussed the next day. Of course following it through the next day is critical.

• If there are issues that cause you considerable distress or anger, is it necessary for you to be part of that discussion? Can someone else close to the child take on that issue?

• Talk to your child about how you value regulating your emotions. Perhaps you have some strategies that they could adopt, such as taking big breaths before responding to a difficult situation, walking away, thinking positive thoughts etc.

• If there are certain issues that really press your buttons, explain this to your child. If there are legitimate reasons as to why you can over react easily, let them know these reasons. It is best to be as authentic with your child as possible.

• Remember that when you do over react or become emotionally charged, always come back to the child with an apology or at least an explanation and let the child know why you are disappointed in your over reaction. This demonstrates to the child that you are sincere in trying to regulate your emotions. After all we are human!

Using some of these strategies tells your child that you value emotional balance in your life. It is important in taking ownership of yourself. Such modelling imprints in the child that working towards being in control is developing social and emotional maturity and is to be valued.

Mood swings can be common in most people and especially in parents who are great givers and not takers in their family.

Relationship break ups and other situations that lead to crisis.

We all would like to have a perfect existence without crisis or trauma of any kind. Sadly, life creeps into our perfect world and with this, can come grief and trauma.

The topic of dealing with trauma is quite complex. However, I am very aware of some typical feelings and responses that children have to trauma given my work with them in the school setting.

No matter what the crisis situation that has occurred in the family, many children will for a while shut down their emotions. They can appear quiet and in many cases, their work at school falls back considerably. This is because the shock of what has happened has forced their body to protect itself and learning is not high on their survival list at that time.

One of the early feelings a child can have especially if it is about a family separation is a feeling of self-guilt. They question whether they caused the problem. Another major fear is that if they lose one parent what if they lost both parents?

These thoughts play heavily on their little minds and though irrational to an adult is actually genuine fears for the child. Also, the death of a grandparent who was a close member of the family can be another trigger for distress for the child. They see how upset their parents are and they worry about how this impacts on them.

I could go on with many examples, but the key factor here is that children will experience feelings of grief and they particularly look at their changing vulnerable relationship with their parents.

My first thought here is to say that children should go through the natural process of grief. We need to take care that we do not shut them off from the reality of life. It takes a village to bring up a child and death and trauma of different sorts are part of that village.

Our response to their needs at the time of trauma can be demanding given that the parent is experiencing such deep, personal feelings at that time. 

Here are some suggestions that I feel help the child at that critical time in everyone's life.

• Remember that together you are sharing the grief. Children need honesty more than ever at this time and when a crisis in a family comes, in a careful and planned way it is important to talk to the child about the issue. Try not to avoid telling them for some time.

• Choose the right time and the right place to tell them what is happening. Children can fixate on that situation later and so it needs to be in a calm and reassuring space. It also should be a time when you are appropriately ready to talk to them about the matter. Lead into the conversation with something like:

“I need to talk to you about something that is making everyone sad at the moment.......”

Making a  gentle entry into what you need to talk about gives the child time to prepare their thoughts.

• Remember that when you first tell a child about a relationship break up, death etc. they will only process a little of what you tell them. Speak with clarity and to the point. Going into long explanations when first telling a child about the issue will not be effective. They will only hear the main fact. As time progresses they will ask more questions and when ready, this is a time to talk in more detail.

• Take care that in dealing with a parent's personal grief, the child is not brought into any negative discussion. This is particularly something to watch when there are relations breakups.

Keep in mind that in the early stages a child will be anxious about themselves and their primary securities around them. They may lose some personal confidence for a while and behaviour changes may occur. This is a time to reinforce that they are loved and that supports around them are strong and always present. Reassurance that relationships with the child remain intact is such a critical part of dealing with their grief, especially in the early stages.

If as a parent you are struggling with your own emotions, choose carefully the time to talk to the child. Most children actually have a very clear understanding of your pain and look to see if in any way that changes their relationship with you. I always remember a child telling me that they never talked to their parent about the matter as they always looked so sad and it would cause them to be sadder.

Grief changes over time and with professional support for all the family, families can move on with their life even though changes have occurred that will permanently alter their world as they know it.

The key point here is that children are very astute when it comes to recognising sadness and distress in the family. They are like a hound dog and can quickly sniff out emotional shifts. Remember to include them in the journey of change after trauma has occurred. Whilst we prefer to shelter them, it is best to build their emotional stamina so that they too can move on with strength and greater capacity to understand life in all its shapes and forms. Within a family, all aspects of life occur and it is a perfect environment to grow across so many aspects of life.

If as a parent you are struggling with your own emotions, choose carefully the time to talk to the child.

What makes an effective parent

Parenting well can be a tricky game. We all want the best in our parenting and yet we recognise that we are human and sometimes factors come into play that limit our capabilities to be what we recognise as the best parent.

The good news is that if handled well it is not that complicated.

The first and foremost factor in effective parenting is to be authentic with your child. This means being honest and realistic as to who you are and what you can capably achieve. They actually work this out at an early age themselves!

For example, you cannot attend a parent meeting because of work. “I am disappointed that I will miss that appointment. I will follow up with the teacher to see what I missed.”

Being authentic tells the child that what they see and hear from you is what they get.

Also, maintain a warm and affectionate relationship with your child. This means that listening well and not getting too judgemental when you hear about incidences that can be unsettling.

By listening well, you are showing sensitivity and respect for the needs and feelings of your child. This will mean that the child will engage with you more openly in the future.

Be a negotiator. When a child talks about issues they want addressing discuss options openly. Some may not be acceptable to you but somewhere through discussion, a way forward can be found.  “I am not feeling happy about you coming home that late. I can pick you up at ….... and in this way, you still get to see your friend”

Sometimes, confronting negative behaviour is necessary. Talk about it through an “ I” statement.  “I am disappointed that you.......”  “Let's discuss how we will now deal with the issue”

When dealing with the consequences try and engage the child in finding a way forward. “Do you have any suggestions regarding this matter in this incident?”

Remember it's all about restoring relationships when dealing with negative behaviour. It is about both parent and child understanding the behaviour and agreeing to an appropriate way forward.

Set boundaries for the child that are manageable for all the family. Discuss with the child the agreed boundaries and as time goes, discuss how they are working out as a family. Children need boundaries but will understand them better if they are given reasons for the boundaries.

“I need you home after school by 4:00 p.m as I believe that this is a reasonable and safe time to be home.”  or, “We cannot have any toys in the living room as people will trip and hurt themselves.” 

Finally, the child loves you unconditionally. For them to embrace you in your work as a parent, be natural, let then see how you are genuine. Make mistakes, acknowledge when you are wrong but above all let them see how you value a strong relationship with them.

I invite you as a parent to reflect on who you gravitated around as a child in your family.  I feel certain that it was the parent who listened unconditionally.

What makes an effective parent?

Being an effective listener and demonstrating justice in the eyes of your children

Many children have an over developed sense of justice when they are young. They simply cannot see how others get away with not following the rules! They can get quite upset and feel that they do the right thing and others do not. Often they have not yet developed strong social literacies and incitefulness. Also they may simply have a strong sense of justice and focus on what is right and wrong.

An excellent way to help them is to resolve matters using a process called restorative practice. This is commonly used in schools.

It can be done simply and it shows your children that you are listening to their concerns. Bring your siblings together and hear the concerns from each child. Then acknowledge that you understand that they have differences. Invite them to articulate what their needs are in this situation. Then invite them to agree on negotiating. This means that they both cannot get what they want but they can compromise on the matter at hand.

If this is an ongoing method used in families, the children soon begin to realise that this is how it works in your home. The children will begin to learn that deep listening and negotiation makes it a win/win for everyone. If they come to understand that this is the process used at home to solve issues they will want to use it so that they have been really heard.

When this method is used often to resolve conflict, the children learn to use the process themselves.

How can anyone argue with someone who listens and is prepared to negotiate. For a child who is heavily into justice, this is the best way forward.

Confronting poor behaviour can be daunting

This is something that parents face regularly. One of the questions parents ask is how do they deal with this issue and at the same time do not damage their relationship with their child? Firstly, let me assure you that your child innately knows that you love them unconditionally. Sometimes how we act can confuse them, but they do believe in your absolute love for them.

Even if you lose your temper and react too much, the child still recognises that you love them. Having said that, less damage is caused by setting up a situation where you let the child know how disappointed you are in the behaviour, as it has impacted on some aspect of your family life etc.

Consider the following tips to help deal with confrontation and still keep the relationship between you and the child, a happy one.

• Choose a calm time to talk about the incident that is upsetting you. Reacting straight away can cause you to over react and anger interferes with rational conversation. If the matter is right in front of you say.  " I'm upset, we will talk about this a little later." 

This gives you time to be more rational when talking to your child. It also allows time to calm down and perhaps see the situation with less hostility. Sometimes, you have time to gather more understandings around the situation reducing the problem and your anger. Be consistent and still follow through with a conversation. Have the discussion with your child with no one else around, in a quiet space and where the child is more inclined to listen. This is all about setting the best scene to get the best results from the conversation.

• Choose a morning time to talk about the matter if possible, as a child's attention span and calmness is at its peak. Otherwise try at night when putting the child to bed. This is often a personal one on one time which the child enjoys. "I would like to talk to you about something that happened today that has upset me."

Once the issue is understood and resolved in some way, it is most important to acknowledge the process that you just went through and affirm the child for being part of it.  "Thanks for working through the problem that was upsetting me. Together we were able to sort it all out".

Keep in mind that once the resolution is made in solving the problem it is important to move on, affirm the child when it doesn't happen again and give the child the benefit of the doubt that they can solve problems well.

When working with children over issues, I found it most important that the child knew the issue was now behind us and our relationship was back to normal. This is all about the child feeling valued even though mistakes happen all around us from day to day.

This is all about the child feeling valued even though mistakes happen all around us from day to day.

Do you have a fixed or a growth mindset when it comes to your child?

Have you ever noticed that you sound like your parents when talking to your child? Or perhaps you work hard to parent very differently from your parents? Whatever your style, consider developing a growth mindset in engaging with your child.

This is about being open to ideas that your child might suggest that are not consistent with how you normally operate. It can be trying new things that are different or just experimental moments as a family.

It's about accepting that mistakes occur and that it takes time effort and some risks to move forward.

A fixed mindset is about being reserved and not keen to take risks of any kind. Taking the predictable and certain route forward. It is about being safe and certain with regard to the outcomes. Your child will keep providing challenges for you and it is worth reflecting on what kind of a mindset you give to their suggestions.

When working with children who were keen to explore different ways of being, it was not uncommon to hear them say
“It won't work in my home” or “it's not worth taking that idea to mum.”

This suggests that they understand the fixed mindset of their parents and as such ideas and suggestions are not brought forward at home.

I suggest keeping an open model at home that encourages varied conversations and applauds new ideas and initiatives that may be worth exploring or at least discussing.

I suggest inviting your child to come up with suggestions for working through family matters.

"I really love new ideas.”

"Sometimes it's great doing things differently”

"Have you got some other ideas that might help?”

I know of one family who awards the child that has the most creative idea for the week.

Our children are growing up in a world where developing a growth mindset will give them the confidence to experiment, try new initiatives and fit into a very flexible world. Predictability may not be the order of the day.

By being open to including your child in family discussions and brainstorming, you are being consistent with how children learn at school. This method is called the Inquiry approach and children are encouraged to ask questions, try out ideas and explore options. This is how best they learn.

So consider the following:

• Be open to their suggestions.
• Keep an open mind on what they have to say.
• Encourage creativity.
• Applaud the effort not so much the result, and,
• Reward the interest in independent learning and thinking.

How's your mindset?

Have you ever just sat and played with sand?

We have found that children whose emotions rise high can easily calm down just simply sitting and immersing themselves in sand. This is so successful in our school setting that many teachers request a sand tray for their class rooms!. The therapy is very effective and so simple to set up. A child who is angry still needs some support in regulating his or her emotions. The calm distraction of the sand tray works magic!

I would recommend having a tray at home especially if you have a young child who cannot articulate their feelings and who are prone to building up anger very quickly. I find that as the child calms down, talking to the child gently is a way for them to gradually talk about their frustrations and regulate their emotions. Also playing with them in the sand tray gives them a  shared experience with the parent.These sand trays are wonderful also for children on the spectrum who have difficulty in expressing themselves. Sometimes a child will create images in the sand that express their feelings. This makes it easier to talk to them specifically about their problems. Sometimes just simply playing with the sand is therapeutic and regulates high emotions.

Many well stocked educational shops will have the sand that is suitable for this sand tray.

In my office sat a very well used sand tray! 

Simply playing in the sand can reduce stress.

Weigh it up

Children really enjoy using practical tools to help reflect on their feelings. They enjoy touching and feeling objects and working in practical ways.

Try using your scales at home. Collect a few pebbles. The child, when chatting about their problems, can put a pebble on the scale.

"Hmm that's a heavy problem?"

As the pebbles mount, talk about how these problems just weigh you down. Then invite them to talk about happy experiences that may lighten their load. Put these pebbles on the other side of the scale. Talk about times when they were able to solve their problems. 

Sometimes just putting the pebbles on the problem side is enough. As you talk about what can take that problem away, you remove the pebbles and comment on how things seem lighter.

" It seems you worked out how to solve that problem."

When I have used this activity with children they are often keen to paint faces on the rocks to express their feelings. This could be an activity to do with them before you use the scales. 

There are many variations of this idea. For example, putting the rocks in a bag and just feeling the weight.

"Problems can be heavy can't they?"

The principle is about children reflecting on lightening their load. It is amazing how such a practical and simple activity can make a difference with the younger child. In a child's mind, problems just mount throughout the week and can quickly seem insurmountable. Many of these problems can melt away quickly with such a simple activity and positive talk. Sometimes a child will just play with the rocks and talk about their problems.

There's easy strategies to help lighten your childs load.

Be snap happy.

All children love a game of snap. It is so easy to play and much fun in the process.  Ask the child at home to  write on pieces of cardboard, the feelings that are important to them. For example, they could be happy, excited, feel anger sometimes etc. Also write feelings that sometimes can interfere on happy feelings such as sad, embarrassed angry, hurt, worried. Make up two sets of cards and tell the child that when they snap, they talk about that feeling and how best to manage it.

This is an excellent  way to enjoy talking about feelings that from time to time unsettle the child. Discussing the feeling through the game, puts the feeling out in the open and parents can talk about how they dealt with their feelings. The game enables everyone to openly discuss feelings and in the midst of it, the child  talks freely about emotions that we all share. Getting it out in the open is such a great way of understanding the human face of emotions.

Sometimes when a new emotion appears, for example, shyness suggest we could add this feeling to our cards. Counselors often use card games as a way of getting conversation started.

Discussing feeling through a game, helps to draw feeling out into the open.