Can we control everything?
This article discusses controlling a little less and supporting a little more of your child’s sense of personal freedom.
At this stage of the year, there are plans to be made and decisions settled on for the year, especially regarding school. The question I pose is, is it necessary to be in control of everything?
There is always a small control freak in all of us. If not fragrantly displayed, it’s hidden somewhere in the deep recesses of our mind which, on occasion, makes its appearance. The more we know and the more we control, the safer we often feel.
Your children are taking on a new leaf at school this year. They are going up a notch and teachers will expect them to take on more responsibility. Perhaps this is a time to let loose a little and not be so preoccupied with everything that happens around your child. They may start telling you a little less about their day. That’s OK!
Here are some sound reasons for controlling a little less and supporting a little more of your child’s sense of personal freedom:
You certainly control your opinions but not always the external events that happen around your child. They are independent of you.
Developing an honest understanding of what is really within our control makes for realistic thinking and reduces worry.
The challenges put ahead of your child at school are their challenges and should, to a large degree, be managed by them. Of course, when issues are out of control, parental support may be necessary.
The more we let them develop independent thought and self-manage their plans the more they slowly and steadily grow stronger. The cocoon is dying and the butterfly will arise with strength and beauty after its struggle to come through that dark cocoon.
The research is clear. If a child takes ownership of their own life, they learn faster and develop independent thinking earlier and display more creative thought. They become less vulnerable to risk, are more resilient and feel happier in themselves. This builds healthy mental habits.
If we take too much control, a child will no longer own the problem and pass it over to you. It becomes your problem. Time and time again I have seen this at school when a parent wants to solve their child’s problems.
When you listen to your child talking about an issue, listen with interest and sincerity, but first, see it as their problem where you have some clear expectation that they will try to solve it. ‘I am sad to hear that Mark was mean to you at school. I am wondering how you will deal with that?’
With each new year at school comes differing challenges. Reflect on how your child is choosing to manage them and quietly step back where possible.
Think about your role as a parent. Do you have all the answers to your child’s needs? It is another generation with shifting expectations. You are there to listen and support, perhaps consult, but it is their world to own. It is their world to solve. Slightly different in expectations from yours.
School holidays are over, but that does not mean that we take some of that relaxed summer feel into our new year plan. No need to suddenly over control or feel that without good management, everything will fall apart. The chaos theory is all about the fact that out of disorder comes order. So the challenge is to let loose a little more. Can the children pack their own lunches, be responsible for school notes etc? Try to find new areas in which it is all about your child taking a little more control over themselves.
From my observations at school, I always found that when parents reduced their worry and felt less accountable for their children, they relaxed and often enjoyed the experiences of their children more fully. They enjoyed the little things and would often find pleasure in just the ordinary experiences of the day. It was like a cloud was lifted. Let loose a little and see the joy in the simple day-to-day experiences with your child.
‘I learnt that when you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.’
-QuotesGram
Self-control, a great tool to learn
No surprise when we think about our children’s lack of self-control. They are more prone to struggle with self-regulation when it comes to emotions. The younger the child, the more likely self-control is not the norm. This is our chance to teach our children that self-regulation, more specifically self-control is a better choice. It is a learnt skill and does not automatically happen just because we grow up.
Once again, the modelling seen around the child and the amount of self-regulation they see happening impacts their capacity and interest in developing self-control. It is very easy to lose it. We know as adults what presses our buttons and how this can impact self-control even though we have a trained brain knowing that lack of control spirals us straight down.
Schools are great spaces to teach children self-control. With a classroom and on the playground, children have many occasions to demonstrate that they are in control. Teachers recognise it as a skill and teach children that using self-control gives them so many advantages physically, socially, intellectually and emotionally. They understand that from time to time this breaks down according to a child’s maturity but gradual improvement and affirmation when self-control is demonstrated is the key in schools.
It is all about controlling the will, the desire to have and to obtain despite any controls. Our will power can control so much of our self-control over matters.
Consider:
Do you give your child affirmation when they demonstrate self-control even over simple matters? Remember that learning self-discipline is about acquiring life skills. It can be taught and definitely acknowledged when evidenced.
In your household is their ongoing examples of self-control? Are you quick to lose it and this of course spirals down to general discontent for everyone?
As a child develops self-control this means that unselfishness and care for others is growing in importance in their mind.
‘Well done. You gave that cake to your brother. You are such an unselfish child.’
Naming the unselfish act is important.
If at times self-control is not evidenced at home, this is a great time to talk about what went wrong and who was impacted. This also applies to the adults when they let their guard down with self-control.
‘I am sorry that I shouted at you. I wasn’t thinking of how it would be upsetting. I should have just slowed down.’
Lessons are learnt with ease when we admit as adults that we sometimes lose self-control but we reflect on its impact on others. This is how we learn effectively.
When you see examples of others showing restraint and demonstrate self-control talk about it to your child. Mention all the positive implications it has on others.
Teaching self-control is incremental and over time the child comes to see that managing themselves better gives them a better relationship with others. Our job as parents is to support their understanding that self-control is a life skill enriching their well-being and others.
‘Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most.’
-Abraham Lincoln
Sometimes it’s best to just go with the flow
Sometimes it is not possible to be reactive to a situation that is unsettling or perhaps able to control things well. This is life. There are far too many unknowns on a day to day basis. Perhaps even minute to minute basis. At the moment with CoVid still present and appearing in different forms, we need to go with the flow a little more as it ebbs and changes around our community. The more we think it is under control, the more we will be frustrated as rules and health recommendations change.
Good modelling for the child is that they recognise in their family that sometimes we can ebb and flow when pressure builds up. Allowing some flexibility and breathing space in tricky situations allows time to sometimes solve the problem or at least reduce the tension.
Teachers are very aware that sometimes it is simply best to change directions and just go with the flow. This is a saving grace when pressure builds in a classroom. Also, it is worth remembering to be a little fluid can prevent major storms. Avoiding a major storm means that there is less damage control and damaged relationships. Teachers will also measure success not by major achievements but by avoiding obstacles that can slow down and hinder their overall work. This can also be called wisdom.
A few tips:
Read the signs. If pressure is building can I just change directions and accept how things work out? Am I able to accept the fluid directions that can sometimes lead to a surprise outcome?
Am I able to understand that life may not always give us exactly what we planned?
Watch your expectations. If you set very high expectations it can be more difficult to slow down and just go with the flow.
When you have decided to go with the flow, talk to your child as to why you think this is the better option. Demonstrating that you are flexible when necessary is a positive trait.
Do you know successful people that are spontaneous in slowing down and redirecting actions when needed? Talk about their gifts and how this works for that person.
Sometimes fighting and seeking to fly away from the problem can lead to considerable stress. The more we try to control, the more tension and failure can easily be set up. Best to use a wise head and allow some flow into your life. It can also be a joy experimenting with a more fluid disposition.
It is better for children to develop discernment and learn when and how to go with the flow to suit the occasion. Building on such early wisdom can only strengthen their emotional maturity.
“f you can’t fight and you can’t flee-flow’”