Valuable resources for mastering effective communication with your child

In the rush of the busy day, we sometimes talk to our children in short sharp bursts. This can be frustrating for the parent and the child, both struggling to be heard and to have their needs met. It is no wonder that we become irritated when we don't get an answer or we feel no one is listening.

Here are some helpful skills that we can use to support a child who needs to be heard. Acquiring these skills can significantly enhance the quality of our conversations.

• When a child starts talking and you feel it is important to listen, then attending is a key skill to learn. This involves really being with the child, making appropriate eye contact, being still and focusing on what they have to say. This is all about using the right body language to let your child know that you are really listening. Here you give your total attention to the child.

• Silence is a wonderful tool in showing your child that you are really listening. This means no interruptions to their talk and passively hearing what they have to say. Silence can be very powerful in communicating. It is especially helpful if the child is upset, angry or anxious.

• As the child talks in order to let them know you are truly listening you can give head nods or perhaps mutter for example, ’Hmm, Really, Yes.” This gives them ongoing reassurance that you are listening and not making any judgements on what they have to say.

• Encourage them to keep talking. ‘Would you like to talk more about that?’ This is indicating that you are there to listen and you want them to have every opportunity to talk for as long as they feel necessary. This is very helpful to young children who find it hard to articulate what they have to say.

• If you feel your child needs the time to be heard, find a suitable place to have the conversations. Distractions, noise etc. can stop their flow of conversation leading to disappointment and frustration.

• Keep to the same level as your child instead of towering over them. This makes them feel that you are genuinely listening.

• Have a positive disposition as they talk. This may mean smiling and reassuring them that their feelings are valued.

• When talking back use a gentle tone of voice where the child feels that there is no judgement or disappointment.

• Finally, you can use active listening. This is picking up on what they see and repeating the essence of their conversation. ‘You said that when you fell on the school yard you felt so sad.’ Picking up the essence of their talk and especially the emotion will give them fuel for talking back with more information.

To help your child after they have disclosed something important and you have listened well, be clear in what you have to say, be correct in your response and always show compassion. In this way you develop trust.

“If you respect your child, then listen to what they have to say.”

— Gail J Smith

Teach your child to overcome safe comfort zones

Encouraging children to step out of their comfort zones and take risks is essential for their personal growth and development. It is easy to live with what we know is comfortable and secure. Staying in our comfort zone is a cosy and warm place to be. After all we are wired to stay in it.

Here are six simple and enjoyable ways to inspire them to step outside those comfort zones:

1. Discover New Interests:

   Example: "Let's try a new hobby or activity together, like painting or playing a musical instrument. It's exciting to learn something new!" Keep them interested in the idea that new interests are attractive and should be tried. Show them how you adopt new interests.

2. Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities:

   Example: "Remember, it's okay to make mistakes. When you do, you're actually getting smarter! Let's try solving this puzzle even if we get some answers wrong." Laugh about mistakes. Treat them with respect as they are a way forward in learning new things. Making a mistake leads to rethinking new ideas and strategies

3. Set Achievable Challenges:

   Example: "Pick a goal that seems a little challenging but not too hard, like reading a new book or learning to ride a bike without training wheels. You'll feel so proud when you achieve it!" Let them see that there’s a great feeling of achievement when you achieve a goal. This encourages them to keep seeking out new goals.

4. Explore New Places:

   Example: "How about we visit a new park or go on an adventure hike? Exploring new places can be so much fun, and we can learn new things along the way." Be adventurous. Talk about new places and possible adventures. Invite them to plan your next outdoor adventure.

5. Encourage Trying New Foods:

   Example: "Let's have a 'Try Something New' day where we taste foods we've never had before. Who knows, you might discover a new favourite!" Every now and then, introduce a new food into their diet. Talk about it and invite their comments on what they notice is different.

6. Celebrate Effort and Courage:

   Example: "I'm so impressed by your bravery in trying new things. Let's celebrate your courage with a little family party or a special treat!" When you see them stretch their wings, affirm their efforts. Let them see how you value change and effort leading to new learning.

By incorporating these simple and enjoyable approaches, parents can instil a sense of curiosity, resilience, and a willingness to take healthy risks in their children's lives. Teach them that you are not afraid of difference and that exploration into the unknown is quite exhilarating and offers new challenges. Teach them to reduce the fear of trying something new.

            ‘The ship is always safe at the shore but that is not what it is built for’

                                                                                      -Albert Einstein

Careful about jumping to conclusions

How often do we immediately have an answer for something? Sometimes when we hear news that can be unsettling, we can spontaneously jump to conclusions. Often this can lead us straight to the negative, and we skip the whole idea of looking at the issue rationally and logically. We all tend to do this from time to time. I believe it is part of our mental defence against getting hurt in any way.

When we do this in front of our children, we teach them that a quick reaction is the best and most likely accurate response.

Consider:

• When we feel like jumping to conclusions, a good response is simply to slow down, take a breath and reflect before saying too much. Remember what we say are powerful messages to our children.

• Sometimes your child might hear about something happening at school and immediately jump to a negative conclusion for them. This is a great opportunity to teach them to stop, take a breath and talk about the issue. After a discussion, the issue often does not seem so bad and rational conversation can happen.

• Consider just learning to stop and think before jumping to a conclusion. It is all about training yourself to slow down and reflect. Initial silence, rather than a quick response, allows you time to think it through more carefully. Your child will get to know that this is how you respond to news. You carefully process it and then talk about it.

• When you jump to conclusions, it can often lead to wrong assumptions that require you to reverse your thinking. However, in the interim, you have made statements that may have been better left unsaid. Using the skill of stopping and thinking first, shows your child that being cautious before interpreting something is the best and least harmful way to go.

• Jumping to conclusions is all about feeling that the worst is about to happen. This is anxiety, and we need to train ourselves to stop thinking the worst all the time. Our children need to see that the worst is not always the case, and through simple reflection, we can rationalise things better.

Finally, keep the knee-jerk reactions to a minimum. Train yourself to feel calmer and, above all show your child that all is not negative when you take a good hard look at it. The world is still a beautiful place.

          ‘Snap judgements often lead to regrets for those whose only exercise is jumping to conclusions.’

                                                                               Recite... Piccsy .com

Watch out for the impostor syndrome that can creep up slowly

Have you ever felt that you were just not worthy of rewards or that you felt that people had misjudged you or that you weren’t as capable as people thought. Perhaps somebody else should have your position? Beware, this is called the impostor syndrome. This is where we tend to believe that we are fooling others and rising above our status and capabilities. It can be one of those syndromes that can start early and I have seen, in some children, a lack of willingness to take awards, or put themselves first, because they thought others were more worthy. A child can start to develop stepping back approach to and not expecting to be chosen because of their feeling of unworthiness.

Let us consider how we can ensure that our children reduce their feelings of insecurity:

• Always try to reinforce with them why they have succeeded. In this way you are being specific about their achievements. They are real and clearly being stated “Well done. You won that award because you can run so fast. It is a great skill of yours.”

• Encourage your child to put their names forward for all types of events and opportunities. Explain that better to be in the race than not.

• Talk about how you cope with feelings that others deserve it more than you. Perhaps you have had times when you were reluctant to put yourself forward. How did you handle it?

• Having knowledge that you are capable and that there are good reasons why you should be chosen is a key to being on top of this problem.

• Reinforce regularly to your children that we all have some fear about taking on new steps but that they are worthy and that they should feel proud of all their achievements.

• Sometimes it’s worth just listing all the capabilities your child demonstrates. Sometimes seeing it gives a strong message of their sense of worth.

• Talk to your child’s teacher and ask if there are any signs that your child is choosing to stand back from being chosen or is reluctant to put up their hands. Teachers are very good at bringing children into the scene and ensuring that their engagement in the class is full and healthy. The classroom is an especially important space for your child to feel strong and confident in themselves amongst their peers. So much of this impostor syndrome is about you feeling less worthy than others.

• Try to avoid put downs to your child. These are sure fired ways of making them feel less worthy. Words stick and can be remembered for a long time.

• Take care not to rush to negative talk when a situation develops. Here we are trying to encourage our children not to immediately focus on the negative. When a tricky situation occurs think about the positive first. Be drawn to thinking about good outcomes before honing in on the negative.

Finally, we all can suffer from being a little nervous but here we are trying to ensure that our children do not become conditioned to stepping back and feeling less worthy than others. A healthy dose of personal confidence and feeling of worthiness is what we seek for our children. It is a very healthy disposition to like yourself and feel achievable and worthy.

                   ‘Love isn’t something you have to deserve.’

                                                                                  -Jennifer Echols

Learn to have some fun

There is not a lot written about the value of being happy but we know that there are some wonderful psychological advantages to just having fun. Here I make the distinction to humour. Within fun we can have a lot of humour. It is present when we become excited or find something that makes us feel good.

Teachers know that when an element of spontaneous fun is included in their day or week, the mood and temper of the children increases tenfold. Many teachers would also say that the presence of fun builds trust with children. A child feels secure when they see their teacher relax and display a happy spontaneous style in the classroom. There is something honest and healthy about simply having some fun.

Let’s think about the value of having fun with your child:

• When you have fun together, you show your child that there is a child in you, the adult. Bringing back the child in you is a positive life-giving thing.

• We are always trying to be in control. It is a massive driver for us as responsible parents. How about letting go sometimes and simply have some spontaneous unplanned fun with your child. It could last five minutes or much longer. It does not make you a less reliable, organised person, but it shows your child that having fun is alive in you.

• By having fun together you are bringing yourself to the same level as your child. This is quite a moment for both of you to share.

• Children will remember the fun times. Nobody wants to remember the serious times. They simply bring you down. However, being a fun-loving parent is memorable.

• To be an effective adult, one must also understand the lighter side of being human. We need to have fun as well and we need to show our children how we enjoy it. It is a well-being component built into our DNA.

• Fun can be any form of having a wonderful time together. Let it be spontaneous, which may take you away from routine and schedules sometimes. It can be a short sharp moment of fun. If you look around it is not hard to see the fun side of so much of life. Point it out to your child.

• We often talk about how important it is to play with your child. Similarly, it is important for developing good mental health that you simply have fun. It can only bring out the best in you and there are no boundaries there with your child. It can serve as a quick pick me up when moodiness is around and it can lighten the spirit when feelings of sadness are prevailing around our children.

Try to build in a bit of fun over the week. It could be as simple as tickling on the couch, throwing pillars around the room or blowing bubbles through your drink. No one said it has to be sensible.

        ‘Let go of preconceived notions and prejudices. Expect surprises. Expect miracles’

                                                             -Michael Joseph

Help your child to accept and enjoy their differences

As our children grow through various physical, intellectual, social and emotional stages, they are seeking out their identity and at times they feel dissatisfied with what they feel about themselves. Simply put, this is all about growing up and working out who you are in life.

One important aspect in the life of a child is their ability to identify with others, establish friendships and feel happy and fulfilled in the company of their friends. To this end sometimes a child loses some of their own identity to be part of the group. I would suggest that an important role for parents is to gently remind their children that they have a unique aspect to their personality and this can be embraced and should be celebrated.

This is all about teaching your child that they are different to other people and that this difference is what makes them special. It is about encouraging your child to like their differences and embrace them rather than absorbing them into some peer group image.

I appreciate that being part of a peer group and identifying with others is an important part of growing up. As a parent, there are a few strategies that you can use to help develop in your child a strong self-perception that can still sit comfortably alongside a sense of being part of a peer group.

 Consider:

• When you spot occasions where they demonstrate their uniqueness talk about it and discuss how it is such a positive aspect of your child’s personality. ‘I am so impressed at the way you care for your dog. You certainly are a compassionate and caring person. A great quality to have!’

• Your child’s teacher will know exactly how unique your child is and I am sure they can tell you some great stories about how they operate in class. Learn about these unique qualities and tell your child how proud you are to hear about their differences at school.

• From time to time you may have occasions to write notes to your child. This could be a Birthday card, Christmas card etc. Refer to their uniqueness and the special differences that you notice in your child. It is all positive reinforcement. Nothing is wasted in adding little reminders of their differences.

• Talk about when you notice how their differences have made an impact in some way to others. There is nothing more satisfying than recognising how a person’s differences can influence and help others.

• Sometimes talking about differences can set you apart from others. As a child matures, the more they understand that their differences make them who they are, the more they are inclined to value their uniqueness and like who they are becoming. Just keep gently and intermittently reinforcing that their differences are a gift.

• Talk about people that you know and respect, that shine by nature of their differences. I am sure your child can easily talk about their heroes and what makes them different.

• Your child can talk about their friends and they can easily identify what makes them stand out as different. This is worth a conversation at home from time to time. Children love a discussion about their friends.

• When you are having parent-teacher interviews, it is normal that your child attends. This is a perfect time to talk with your teacher about the wonderful differences your child has demonstrated across the year.

• Don't be anxious to repeat affirming your child’s uniqueness. It will really sink in and become an accepted part of the child’s character.

• Children use their observations to work out how to treat others and how others should treat them. We can support their developing observations by highlighting differences that are important in life.

When children notice differences between people, this is a time to talk about them and to highlight that differences make the world an interesting and colourful place. It is a time to dull the potential of bias and racism. It is a time to grow in the knowledge that difference makes the world go round.

                 ‘In diversity there is beauty and there is strength.’

                                                                                              -Maya Angelo

Faults! We all have them.

Do we sometimes focus too much on the faults that we see around us? Children by nature of being children are frequently making mistakes from practical matters through to their fragile emotional growth. I say all hail faults! Have often do you hear your child say:

“It’s not my fault.” At an early age, a child struggles to own a fault.

The key here is to focus more on virtues and gifts that we see present in our children. We certainly teach our children to manage faults and we do this in a gentle and caring way. We teach them to manage their faults and we praise their efforts when they show improvement.

Now that school has resumed children are exposed to various learning situations that will challenge them both inside the classroom and outside. They begin to recognise through the support of teachers, that making mistakes is acceptable and that we learn to strengthen the fault line by practice, effort and determination. Their world in school will be a daily exercise of managing success and checking in when faults occur. Our job as parents is to support them by accepting that we all make mistakes and have faults that can be worked on with support and encouragement. Let us take out the negative undertone of the word, “fault” and see it as an opportunity to grow. I am inclined to replace the word with “mistakes”.

Consider the following thoughts:

• Are you a person who tends to notice faults before you notice the best of the person? If this is the case keep reminding yourself that focussing on faults only exacerbates one’s feeling of failure or disappointment in someone else.  It is not difficult to develop a negative mindset about someone if you just focus on their faults.

• Talk about how you have been working on yourself to improve in some area. Perhaps your fault is never being on time. Talk to your child about what you are doing to improve in this area. It’s important to show the child that naming the fault is the first job in taking control. Once named it puts things into perspective.

• When your child talks about how they are struggling to succeed in an area, talk about the times you have seen improvement. Build on the positive times when you did see improvement.

“I can see you are struggling with maths. I remember how you mastered the times tables last year. That was a great success”.

• Remind your child that we all have faults. It’s part of the human condition. Many of our great achievers over time struggled with faults and worked hard by taking risks and working on improvement.

It’s all about developing the best disposition and owning those faulty areas in which improvement can take place if you so wish to work on them.

“I think people who have faults are a lot more interesting than people who are perfect.”

— Spike Lee

All eyes are on you at home.

This is a short reminder that when you express anxiety, this can be modelled by your child. They are keen to learn from you in many and varied ways. They look to how you respond to situations and will grow to understand how you interpret life, the way you react to difficult situations etc. No escaping it. As the parent, your behaviour is being internalised and modelled by your child. On the bright side, this can be seen also as a positive. Consider all the various experiences in your life where you display compassion, love, forgiveness and tolerance. Don’t underestimate all the positive behavioural aspects of your life that are internalised by your child.

Often, we say is it nurture or nature that gives direction to the way our children respond to life issues? Whatever the answer, there is no escaping that how you express your life will have an impact on your child.

In working with children, it was not uncommon to hear them talk about the way in which their parents would respond to situations. They were very much in tune with your levels of approval, disapproval and tolerance. They are generally not of an age that can be too discerning and so they will mimic your emotional responses quite often. Consider the following thoughts to give guidance when you are feeling unsettled or anxious.

• Try to express your feelings in simpler forms. Adult versions of what makes you unsettled can be confusing.

• Is it necessary to talk about your anxieties in front of your child? This is where you need to be discerning and especially consider the age of the child.

• Sometimes just stopping and thinking is best before rushing into a response that can be critical or provocative.

• When feeling unsettled decide how you want to present yourself in front of the child. Is it feasible to remove yourself for a while?

Teachers understand that working with children they must maintain an even temper and disposition. In this way, the child becomes climatized to an emotionally stable teacher and classroom. This does not preclude the occasions to discuss feelings of being unhappy. However, such discussions are done in a controlled and responsible way.

As parents, so much happens spontaneously and on the run. Take care to be aware of the presence of your child when talking about serious matters to other adults.

If you are anxious or unsettled, talk to your child in a way that helps them understand what is going on.

“Today I feel quite unsettled as I am starting a new job.”

Here it is about giving them some insight into your feelings without undue anxiety developing on their part. It is also aligning some anxiety as being in the normal range. A child needs to understand how you manage your anxious moments and learn sound responses for themselves.

The essence of this article is to gently remind us that children are very receptive to changes in our emotional state. They need and feel more secure when they see that you are secure. Allowing them to learn about managing anxiety by watching your responses can be a great benefit to them forging strong ideas of self-management.

How you express yourself will have an impact on your child.

If it all gets too much!

And it will from time to time. This is a new norm for all of us and we are learning to live in a whole different way around ourselves and each other. There will be whole new set of skills we are trying to learn on the run as we have so many uncertainties around us.

Let’s not to be too hard on ourselves when we:

Are there days when if is all too much?

• simply don’t understand our child’s behaviour

• find it difficult to listen to each other properly

• become less tolerant of poor behaviour and show less interest in understanding it

• lose interest in being constantly supportive

• find it hard to be the teacher and worry about their learning

• become fatigued and intolerant when repeating instructions

• use language that isn’t appropriate.

Let’s accept that we are not perfect and our vulnerable human side will come out when we feel frustrated or unsatisfied. The circumstances we are all living around are almost surreal and there is no guidebook.

Now that you understand that being perfect just isn’t on the radar, consider the following to help ease the tension and turn negative into positive where and when possible.

• If you enjoy music play it often and enjoy the wonderful release it gives you.

• Just ignore some behaviour recognising that your child is also trying to regulate themselves in the new world. Only fight the battles that are really important and don’t do it when you are not in a good space to respond.

• Check the day activities. Include some positive experiences are built in to the day. This could be games together, cooking etc. Remember that you are building a stronger relationship in difficult circumstances. Every little effort helps.

• Can you build in rest during the day? This could be as simple as sitting on the couch, watching some television etc. Not everything must be hyperactive and stimulating. Teaching children to just be calm is so important.

• Remember, that we are adjusting to a new norm. You are creating your own world in your home with your children.

• If housework has now increased with the family being at home, do you have to keep up the same pace. Change routines here so that irritability and fatigue don’t creep in. How tidy does the house need to be?

• Go through all your beautiful photos of the children over the years. This can be a great rediscovery for the children and a chance to put some order into them.

Learning for the children comes from many sources and not just a classroom. Your home in its own way is a classroom. Relax and know that you are teaching them throughout the day in various ways. You may be discussing the coronavirus, making pasta, discussing the wellbeing of the pets. All are learning experiences for the child.

Be alert to your levels of tiredness. This could be in the middle of the afternoon etc. Do less in that time and pull away from heavy, heated discussions and activities. Recognise your pressure points and tune into your moods. This will help you make choices which will not cause further anxiety and escalation of emotions. Children read your every mood.

Listen to the serious update news once and not anymore for the day. Repeated news that is disturbing can bring down moods very quickly. Find something positive to listen to during the day.

Praise yourself for doing such a great job in such a difficult, unprecedented situation. We often hear how difficult it was for families during the war. We are now in our own war and need to recognise how clever we are in finding ways through it.

Have you already discovered how you are using your intuition and self-awareness to make the home workable? You are probably noticing differences that you may introduce after we get through the worst of it. From adversity comes innovation. Well Done!

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life.”

— J K Rowling