Have a positive outlook with your child. It's great for strengthening mental health.
A positive mindset can help your child build essential life skills and create a happier, more harmonious family environment. Gail Smith shows you how you can nurture optimism and resilience at home.
Try to maintain a positive outlook with your child. The less they see and feel the pressures that can mount at home, the more content they will be. What a wonderful outcome if your child remembers their home life as happy and peaceful.
The illustrations below are all about developing good life skills around your child that will support a happy environment with your child.
Consider:
Acknowledge all the efforts
• Example: When your child studies hard but doesn’t get a perfect score, say, “I’m so proud of how much effort you put in. That’s what really matters!”
Reason: Focusing on effort encourages a growth mindset, which helps children view challenges as opportunities for growth rather than reasons to feel defeated.
• Acknowledge Their Feelings
Example: If your child is upset, try saying, “I can see you’re really sad about this. Let’s talk it through together.”
Reason: Validating their emotions instead of dismissing them teaches children that all feelings are normal and manageable. This approach helps them build emotional intelligence and feel comfortable expressing themselves.
• Use Positive Language When Discussing Mistakes
Example: If your child spills something, say, “No big deal! Let’s clean it up together.”
Reason: Framing mistakes as learning moments rather than failures helps children see that they can recover from setbacks, reducing fear of failure and building resilience.
• Express Genuine Interest in Their Day
Example: When your child comes home, ask, “What was the best part of your day?”
Reason: Showing consistent interest in their lives helps them feel valued, which strengthens their self-worth and builds trust, both essential for mental health.
• Model Optimism and Problem-Solving
Example: If plans change, say, “Looks like we have to change things, but I bet we’ll have a great time with the new plan!”
Reason: Children who see positive coping strategies from their parents are more likely to develop these habits themselves, leading to a stronger ability to handle stress and adapt to challenges.
In each of these ways, a positive approach reinforces a child’s belief in themselves, improves their ability to manage emotions, and provides tools for handling life’s ups and downs. This combination forms a strong foundation for good mental health as they grow.
“A positive outlook always lightens moods and brings in hope.”
Opinions: Can be damning to a child if not managed well
Everyone has opinions, but it’s important to teach children not to base their self-worth on what others think. Gail Smith shares tips on how to help kids understand that they are capable of making good decisions for themselves and should trust their own judgment.
We all have opinions. What we need to teach our children is that you do not judge yourself on what others think of you. From an early age we remind our children that they are worthy of making good judgements for themselves.
Teach your children that:
• What other people say about or to you can only affect you if you believe them. This is all about building their self worth.
• You are in charge of how you feel. When you get others bringing you down keep reminding yourself that they have no value at all.
• No one can make you feel inferior without our consent, said Eleanor Roosevelt. Therefore, you do not give anyone consent to put you down.
• Be proud of your opinions and know that they are valued. Not everyone may believe them but they are yours to own and to express to others. After all success comes from believing in yourself.
• Gravitate around positive people that are not in the habit of bringing people down. This makes for happier lasting friendships.
• People that have strong opinions about others are usually very poor listeners and are not interesting to be around as a friend. In fact they can bring you down very easily as they control the conversations usually in a negative way.
• Choose friends wisely as this will be a big boost to a happy childhood.
Finally teach your children that you are there to listen to them with no judgement and that you value what they have to say. With affirming parenting, they will take advantage of your wisdom.
“Listen to your child’s opinions and applaud their creative approach to life.”
Let’s look at conversations to have with your child
By having regular, open conversations, parents can nurture a positive outlook in their child’s life. Here are five meaningful topics parents can frequently discuss to support mental health, instill confidence, and remind children that they are always loved. Read on to learn how these conversations can help your child grow with confidence and emotional security.
Here are five great conversation topics that parents can frequently discuss with their children to support mental health, foster a positive disposition, and reassure them of being loved. Frequent positive reminders are healthy ways to give a positive outlook to a growing child and to build emotional intelligence.
Emotions and Feelings
Topic: "How are you feeling today? It's okay to have all kinds of emotions."
Purpose: Encourage emotional expression and validation of feelings. This helps children understand that it’s normal to have a range of emotions and that their feelings are important.
Reassuring Message: "No matter how you feel, I'm always here to listen and support you."
Self-Worth and Inner Strength
Topic: "What do you think makes you special or unique?"
Purpose: This encourages self-reflection and builds self-esteem by helping the child recognize their strengths, talents, and individuality.
Reassuring Message: "You are amazing just the way you are, and I love you for who you are."
Challenges and Problem-Solving
Topic: "What was something challenging today, and how did you handle it?"
Purpose: Encouraging conversations about handling challenges reinforces resilience and problem-solving skills, helping children approach difficulties with a positive mindset.
Reassuring Message: "No matter what happens, you’re strong, and I believe in your ability to get through tough times."
Gratitude and Positivity
Topic: "What are three things you’re thankful for today?"
Purpose: Fostering gratitude can shift the focus toward the positive aspects of life, promoting optimism and mental well-being.
Reassuring Message: "Even when things are hard, there’s always something good, and I’m grateful to have you in my life."
Love and Belonging
Topic: "What’s something fun we could do together soon?"
Purpose: Strengthen the parent-child bond by focusing on shared experiences, making the child feel valued and connected.
Reassuring Message: "You are always loved, no matter what, and spending time with you makes me happy."
Frequent conversations on these topics not only build a child's mental resilience but also provide the emotional security that they are loved and supported unconditionally. Every child needs reassurance and will from time to time need that extra reassurance that their world is fine.
“A parent’s positive reassurance is a life line to a child.”
Good principles of parenting
The idea of being a perfect parent is a myth. Instead, Gail Smith shares some fundamental principles that can guide us through the ups and downs of parenting. These practices will help you navigate challenges and changes with greater confidence throughout your parenting journey.
Let’s keep in mind that our parenting will keep changing as we gradually grow into it and as our children grow older and their needs change. It is in constant evolution. What we need to keep stable are some fundamental principles of good parenting. They will hold us in good stead in times of turbulence and change throughout our parenting years.
Consider the following principles:
Unconditional Love
Love your child for who they are, not just for what they do. Your love is their safe haven in the world. Unconditional love means that despite behaviour that you do not like, you still love the child. It is only behaviour driven by some anxiety.
Active Listening
When you listen to your child with an open heart, you show them that their voice matters. It's the key to understanding and connection. Effective listening allows the child to feel heard and valued. They are then more inclined to go to you when they are anxious and need to be heard.
Setting Boundaries with Empathy
Boundaries are like the walls of a safe playground. Set them with love and understanding, so your child can explore the world confidently. Boundaries allow the child to know where they stand and what matters to you the parent.
Positive Reinforcement
Praise their effort and progress, not just the end result. Your encouragement fuels their motivation to learn and grow. Be specific when praising. Let the child know what is valued in the praise.
Teaching Through Example
Your actions speak louder than words. Be the role model you want your child to follow, and they'll learn from your example.
Embracing Mistakes as Learning
Mistakes are stepping stones, not stumbling blocks. Show your child that it's okay to make mistakes; it's how we learn and improve. Let them see in your own life how you use mistakes to inform your life. Talk openly about how mistakes are a great learning tool.
Provide a safe haven
A child that feels safe takes more risks and learns more confidently through their home environment. Set it up so that conversation is encouraged and affirmation is given regularly. Let there be no judgement on their efforts.
Set up a positive learning environment
This should be a creative space where your child feels safe to talk about issues, develop ideas and discuss topics. Allow your child to explore their thinking in a home and family environment that is open to ideas and questions all the time. They will feel free to be creative and extend ideas and thoughts well beyond the conventional.
We can never be the perfect parent. That is a myth. We can however be a parent that understands and works hard to practise some basis principles that hold strong and true through your rearing years.
“Learning some basic principles of parenting provides a safety zone for good parenting.”
Nurturing a Growth Mindset in Your Child
How do you encourage positivity and a belief in your child’s ability to be an achiever? Dive into the world of positivity and belief in your child's potential with Gail Smith, as she unveils the secrets to fostering a growth mindset in your child.
In simple terms this is all about encouraging positivity and a belief in your child’s ability to be an achiever.
Consider the following:
Explain to your child the concept of a growth mindset versing a fixed mindset, highlighting the importance of believing in one's ability to improve through effort and practice.
As a parent celebrate when your child tackles a difficult task or shows resilience in the face of challenges. Let them see that effort is rewarding.
As the parent, help your child re frame statements like "I can't do this" to "I can't do this yet," emphasizing the idea of growth and progress over time. It’s about never say never.
As the parent model a growth mindset in your own life. Share stories of your own challenges and successes, demonstrating perseverance and a positive attitude towards learning.
Parents can provide constructive feedback to their child that focuses on effort, progress, and specific actions rather than fixed traits or abilities. Use phrases like, "I noticed you worked really hard on that" or "What strategies did you try?"
Set realistic, achievable goals that align with your child’s interests and abilities. Involve your child in the goal-setting process and celebrate milestones along the way. All goals should be reasonable.
Provide a supportive home environment that encourages exploration, curiosity, and a love for learning. This could include having a designated study space, providing access to educational resources, and engaging in activities that foster creativity and critical thinking.
Re frame mistakes as valuable learning opportunities rather than failures. Discuss strategies for helping your child learn from their mistakes, such as problem-solving, reflection, and seeking help when needed. Making mistakes is a human process.
Celebrate your child's growth and progress, no matter how small. This could involve creating a growth mindset journal where children document their achievements and areas of improvement or holding a "growth mindset celebration" to recognize efforts.
Offer consistent support, encouragement, and reassurance to your child as they navigate challenges and strive for growth. Not everything will be perfect but their efforts are given much encouragement.
As your child grows they need to grow with a positive mindset where there is much personal belief and a sense that all is possible.
“Courage to continue matters more than success or failure”
Listening to your children is incredibly important for several reasons
Talk less, listen more next time when you are having a conversation with your children. Consider the following reasons why active listening is so important by Gail Smith.
We all need to feel heard. We need to express our needs to gain help. Children get the support they need by being listened to from a caring and patient parent. Consider the following reasons why active listening is so important:
Building Trust and Connection: When you listen attentively to your children, it strengthens the bond between you. It shows them that their thoughts, feelings, and opinions matter, creating a foundation of trust and openness in your relationship. Children feel safer when being really listened to effectively.
Developing Healthy Communication Skills: By actively listening, you teach your children the importance of effective communication. They learn how to express themselves, articulate their thoughts, and engage in meaningful conversations. Children enjoy being around a child that listens well. They feel reassured and valued.
Boosting Self-Esteem and Confidence: When children feel heard and understood, it boosts their self- esteem. It gives them the confidence to express themselves without fear of judgement, nurturing their sense of self-worth. Being truly heard means that you value that person and believe that what they have to say has credibility.
Understanding Their World: Listening to your children helps you understand their world better. It provides insights into their interests, concerns, and challenges, allowing you to offer guidance and support tailored to their needs. You form better relationships with your child when you understand and appreciate their world.
Building Emotional Intelligence: Listening well nurtures emotional intelligence in children. They learn to identify and express their emotions, leading to better self-regulation and empathy towards others.
Encouraging Problem-Solving Skills: Active listening teaches children problem-solving skills. By allowing them to express their thoughts and feelings, they learn to analyze situations and find solutions independently. This is all about believing in themselves and having trusting people around them that listen.
Strengthening Parent-Child Relationship: When children feel heard and valued, it strengthens the parent-child relationship. It creates a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing their joys and concerns, leading to a deeper connection.
Setting the tone of conversation: When you listen well you are often calm and talk in a comfortable, unstressed manner. This sets the scene for a relaxed and peaceful chat that has value to your child.
By setting up a culture of listening well to your child, you set the scene for an environment where conversation is encouraged and where everyone feels valued and makes contributions.
“Listen well to your child. They will return this compliment later.”
Prepare well for the new year
Beyond the holiday joys, discover exciting ways to usher in the new year with your family in a truly meaningful and memorable manner.
Here are some ideas to start us thinking about creative ways to introduce our children to 2024. With each new year comes opportunities to change, shift thinking, grow in different directions, challenge current ideas etc. Perhaps some suggestions may set you in a new direction as you prepare for what’s ahead.
Family Vision Board Party: Set up a family vision board to set intentions and aspirations for the year ahead. Gather magazines, art supplies, and create vision boards together, depicting hopes, dreams, and goals for each family member.
New Year's Eve Time Capsule: Create a time capsule filled with small mementos, notes, or drawings representing memorable moments from the past year. Seal it and set a date to open it together next year to reminisce and see how much has changed. Place it in a safe and memorable place easy to access.
Setting Family Resolutions: Discuss and set family resolutions together. Encourage everyone to share one goal or resolution they'd like to achieve throughout the year. It's a fun way to support each other's aspirations.
Reflective Family Dinner: Host a reflective family dinner where everyone shares their favourite memories from the past year. Make it festive by dressing up, cooking a special meal, and enjoying quality time together. Keep it upbeat and the memories positive.
Gratitude Jar for the New Year: Start a gratitude jar specifically for the new year. Each day, encourage family members to write down something they're grateful for and place it in the jar. By the end of the year, read and reflect on the abundance of blessings collected.
Family Meeting and Planning: Hold a family meeting to discuss plans and activities for the upcoming year. Brainstorm ideas for vacations, outings, or special family events, allowing everyone to contribute to the planning process.
Family diary: Set up a calendar for the new year. Make it very visible and invite family to start writing up events that they know about. Make it a discussion piece so that the family can discuss whether there are too many busy events etc.
House remodeling: Is there any changes you need to make in the home to improve conditions for your growing family? Perhaps discuss where study areas are allocated and how entertainment areas will work for the year. Think about how you can improve movement and circulation around the house for all the family.
The New Year should be a time where we start to reflect on our hopes and aspirations for the new year. We all seek to keep growing and improving. We recognize that our children are changing and we take that into consideration as we reflect on our needs and expectations for the forthcoming months.
“Each year we begin again. A chance to refresh ourselves on so many levels.”
Teach your child to have a go and to be a risk taker
I know it’s hard if there are risks, but, teach your child to have a go and to be a risk-taker. Read on for some advantages of this.
Just because you do not know something is not a reason for avoiding the situation or perhaps going around the problem. We want our children to have an embedded belief locked into them. They need to feel confident to have a go and take a risk. If a child automatically puts themselves forward when a challenge comes their way they have learnt how to learn.
Look at the following great advantages of being a child who takes risks.
Boosts Confidence and Self-Esteem
Advantage: Taking risks helps children believe in themselves and feel more confident. They grow in self esteem.Encourages Problem-Solving Skills
Advantage: Risk-taking teaches kids to find solutions when things don't go as planned. It is a natural process for them to keep trying different ways and means of getting solutions.Fosters Creativity and Innovation
Advantage: Trying new things sparks creativity and helps kids come up with new ideas. Once you start something different, new ideas and concepts grow.Promotes Independence and Resilience
Advantage: Taking risks makes kids more independent and resilient when facing challenges. They are not anxious about making mistakes but in fact see them as part of the learning process.Develops a Positive Attitude Towards Learning
Advantage: Being willing to have a go creates a positive attitude towards learning new things. Once a learner always a learner.
As a parent your child will observe how you embrace risk taking in your life. Invite your child into discussing all sorts of options that involve having a go and taking a risk. Enjoy this adventure together.
‘Don’t let what you don’t know stop you from having a go’
Lisamessenger
Being a parent is a challenge but also an absolute joy
Six great strategies to help parents see the enjoyable side of parenting.
Parenting can be challenging, but it is also a fulfilling and enjoyable journey.
Here are six great strategies to help parents see the enjoyable side of parenting: The process needs to be enjoyed and savoured as a unique part of your life.
Practise Gratitude: Take time each day to reflect on the positive aspects of parenting. Focus on the moments that brought joy and fulfilment, no matter how small they may seem. When you look at your child feel gratitude that they are looking back at you!
Celebrate Milestones: Celebrate your child's milestones, big or small, and recognise your role in their growth and development. Whether it's their first steps, a good grade at school, or simply mastering a new skill, acknowledging these accomplishments can bring joy and pride to both you and your child. Take photos and keep mementos of special occasions. Keep the fire alive in celebrating all sorts of situations.
Spend Quality Time: Make an effort to spend quality time with your child doing activities you both enjoy. Engaging in fun and playful activities together creates positive memories and strengthens the parent-child bond. Quality time can be short or long but needs to be regular and become a normal part of family life. Be active with your quality time. Games and sports are a great way of enjoying each other.
Find Humour in Parenting: Parenting can be filled with many humorous moments, and finding humour in everyday challenges can lighten the mood. Laughing about the messy situations or innocent remarks your child makes, can turn potentially stressful situations into amusing anecdotes. The world of parenting is messy and comes with all sorts of challenges. Keep the world of parenting light and see the beauty and humour of simple things. There it will be found.
Connect with Other Parents: Building a supportive network of other parents can be a great way to share experiences, advice, and humour. You need not be alone. Join parenting groups, attend social events, or connect with parents in your community to feel a sense of camaraderie and understanding. Laugh at yourself and your parenting style from time to time. Everyone will parent differently and that is fine.
Self-Care for Parents: Taking care of yourself is essential for enjoying parenting. Ensure you get enough rest, engage in hobbies or activities you love, and don't hesitate to ask for help when needed. When parents are well-rested and emotionally fulfilled, they are more likely to appreciate the enjoyable moments of parenting. Take breaks where necessary and see them as a time of respite. For this, you will parent much better.
Being a parent is an active, changing business. It comes with challenges that can be turned into great moments of discovery and joy. Nothing ventured, nothing gained is true of parenting. You need to get in there hands and feet. Above all, enjoy the journey and keep reminding yourself of the preciousness of your role.
‘One of the greatest titles in the world is a parent, and one of the biggest blessings in the world is to have parents to call mum and dad.’
-Jim DeMint
Nine Proactive Strategies for Fostering Mental Health in Children
Here are nine ways to foster and sustain your child’s mental health and well-being.
Promoting mental health in children is of utmost importance, particularly in our current world.
Here are several insightful strategies that can be employed to nurture and sustain mental well-being in our young ones:
Demonstrate Positive Emotions: Being a consistent source of happiness and positivity around your child is critical. Let your joy radiate visibly, providing them with a secure feeling that everything is alright. Your smile can serve as a comforting reassurance.
Encourage Physical Activity: Exercise is known to boost mood and overall well-being. Engage in regular physical activities with your child and make it a family routine. This not only benefits their physical health but also their mental state.
Cultivate a Love for Music: Music has a profound impact on our emotions and can uplift the spirit. Incorporate a variety of music into your family life, utilising it as a background score to your everyday activities. This creates an ambience of positivity and serves as an effective stress reliever.
Foster Positive Associations: Direct your child's attention to the good things happening around them. Discuss amusing anecdotes, talk about jovial and optimistic individuals you know, and celebrate the positive aspects of life.
Promote Generosity: Demonstrate to your child the power of giving. Instilling a sense of generosity can enhance their mental well-being and give them a broader perspective on life. You can exemplify this through simple actions like donating toys they've outgrown.
Encourage Proper Rest: Adequate sleep is crucial for a child's mental and physical health. It helps their brain process the day's activities and sets them up for optimal performance the next day.
Teach Healthy Recreation: Equip them with various recreational activities like sports, reading, or simply relaxing. These pursuits can help them carve out mental space for themselves when needed. Your role modelling in this area is vital.
Cultivate a Sense of Humour: Encourage them to appreciate the lighter side of life. Too often we focus on the negatives or the potential risks, but teaching them to find humour can provide them with a more balanced view of life.
Nurture Social Relationships: Facilitate the presence of your child's friends in their lives. Friendships play a significant role in their social development, and your active involvement in fostering these relationships can be highly beneficial.
Above all, it's crucial to create an environment where positivity thrives, life is cherished, and the world is perceived as a beautiful place to live. By being such a parent, you can positively shape your child's outlook and foster their mental health.
‘Life is always better with a smile on your face’
- Gail J Smith
Talking positively to your child makes all the difference.
This blog explores why your communication style is so important to your child and tips to consider.
Engaging positively with your child can have a transformative effect. The manner in which you converse with your child significantly influences their communication style and their receptiveness to you.
Bear in mind the following:
Show genuine interest and engagement when they speak. Treat these moments as invaluable opportunities for them to convey their thoughts to you.
Employ a gentle and soothing tone of voice. Harsh tones not only discourage attentive listening, but also inadvertently convey negativity. Strive to soften your voice, even when discipline becomes challenging.
Your child is more inclined to listen attentively and emulate good speech habits if they consistently hear a pleasant and comfortable tone from you. They will reciprocate the same respectful way of speaking if it's consistently modelled for them.
Consider the power of respectful speech. Using a gentle tone makes the conversation more engaging for everyone involved, fostering an atmosphere of respect.
Pay attention to your choice of words. Could your language be improved to express ideas more effectively? Implementing a rich vocabulary can be an excellent tool for enhancing communication.
Why speaking well to children is important.
1. Boosts Self-Esteem: Children often view themselves through the lens of their parents' comments and reactions. Speaking positively and constructively helps build their self-esteem and self-confidence, shaping a more positive self-image.
2. Improves Cognitive Development: Language-rich interactions can enhance children's cognitive development. Varied and complex vocabulary can stimulate their brain, encouraging them to learn and understand new words and concepts.
3. Promotes Healthy Relationships: Effective and respectful communication sets the groundwork for building strong, healthy relationships. By speaking well to your child, you're teaching them the importance of clear, kind, and respectful communication, a skill that will benefit them in all their future relationships.
Helping the shy, less confident child
For some children, finding their confidence can be a challenge. Here are some ways to build your child’s stamina in this area.
For some of our children, finding the confidence to speak up is a hard process. In fact, it can become quite a habit to sit back, observe others and have no expectations of putting yourself forward in a group situation. The confident, more dominant personality, will take centre stage and the quieter child will become the audience. There are some strategies you can use to help build a child’s stamina in this area.
Consider:
If you are a louder, more prominent personality, try to tone it down around your child. They will step back and not engage as effectively if they feel that you are taking over.
If there are other more confident siblings around, make sure that your quiet child gets their voice heard. Perhaps at dinner time, everyone takes turns to talk about their day.
Reassure with plenty of ‘I’ statements. ‘I like it when you tell me what happened.’ ‘I am so happy to hear that story.’ ‘Well done. That is a great idea. Tell me more.’
Choose your words carefully and avoid harsh criticism. This is such a setback for a less confident child. They remember all the negative words.
Giving them more independence builds their self-confidence. Start doing things for them but pull back and let them finish the tasks.
Exercise listening more to what they have to say. This will affirm their worth. Give excellent eye contact and undisturbed attention when they talk. Choose a special time on your own to have those chats.
Talking in front of groups can be difficult. Invite them to practise in front of the family, talk about their hobbies etc.
Joining extracurricular activities means they will need to engage with others. Being a team member means committing to collaboration and engagement with others. Learning an instrument means presenting in front of people. It all helps.
Encourage friendships. Having a friend requires effort and commitment.
Remember when you praise be specific. ‘I was so impressed with how you spoke to your friend who was upset. You were so sympathetic.’
Use open-ended questions. This gives them scope to answer expressively. ‘Tell me about the project?’ ‘What have you learnt at basketball training today?” We don’t want ‘yes, no’ answers.
Surprisingly shy children act out in plays very well. In fact, they enjoy taking on another character. Encourage joining a drama group or simply dress up and reenact fairy tales at home. Home can become a great uninhibited theatre for the whole family. Perhaps your child can act out what happened at school that day.
Reading stories out loud to the whole family is helpful. How about a family novel where each child reads a small section after dinner?
When you hear of some lack of confidence they display with regard to something at school, encourage them to set little goals to work on the issue. Then praise them for their efforts.
Set realistic expectations at home. They want to please you and if they succeed they feel so much more secure in themselves.
Play often with your child. This helps with building positive self-talk. They feel confident and happy to plough through the play and learn more about themselves.
Little by little your shy, less confident child can become quite a strong, capable personality over time. Slow, steady encouragement while at the same time respecting their emotional and social stage of development is the best way forward.
‘Believe you can and you’re halfway there.”
-Theodore Roosevelt
Now after Mother's Day what is there to celebrate?
Here is some post-Mother’s Day positive reminders about motherhood.
I say keep the party going by keeping your image above water.
The job of a mother is too complex to put in one sentence or paragraph. It is different for everyone and everyone will respond differently to being a mother. I believe there are some important thoughts you need to keep in mind as you enter the post-Mother’s Day period.
You are human and this means you are allowed to make mistakes. In fact, your child will see the real you by being authentic. That’s all they want anyway.
Being positive with your child all the time is hard work, so if you need a break from being a mum for a short while, take it. In the longer run, you will feel better and be happier. More content women make better mums.
Don’t be too hard on yourself when the day doesn't work out the way you wanted it to. Sometimes, our children will be disappointed and that’s OK. They need to see and learn about the real world, that it doesn’t entirely revolve around them!
Plan each day with yourself included. This could be just a short walk or sipping tea on your own. You have a right to feel content throughout the day.
Remember that you don't have to do everything around the house. The more independent you make your children by giving them jobs, the better they will develop independent skills.
Friends and chats have a great healing capacity. Make sure you allow personal time for chats with good friends throughout the week.
Little treats help to keep up the spirits. Discover a treat that makes you feel good and build it in occasionally. Don’t feel guilty. Children need to see that you need nurturing as well.
Remember that you are working hard to be the best mum. That means that you don’t need to knock yourself out all the time to prove it. Slow and steady nurturing parenting does the job. In the longer term, this is what is remembered and valued.
Your child loves you for who you are. You don't need to keep justifying why you do the things you do, this can get very tiring. Just be content that you are a work in progress as a great mum. That’s good enough.
Finally, keep up your dignity. Tired mums often feel lowly about themselves. A little lipstick and powder and the right t-shirt can lift the spirits for the day.
Happy Mother’s Year 2023-2024.
What about our so-called underachievers?
Here are some reflections to help your child if they feel they are underachieving:
I have real concerns about the word ‘underachiever’, especially when referring to children. This implies there are children who can perform much better, but actually do not perform well. The name and hence label ‘underachiever’ puts a very damning perception on a child. It implies that they are just not up to the mark and will always be below the line.
In my experience as a school principal for 30 years, I have seen many children, who for a variety of reasons, underperform in some way. Yet over those same years, through sound support and shifting social and emotional growth, they no longer underperform. We all are evolving and morphing into well-rounded human beings. There will always be variations as we grow in how we perform.
If a child has a perception that they are an underperformer, they feel a sense of failure in many and varied ways. It totally saturates their sense of self-worth and their endeavours to do better are very poor. They have little motivation to change that perception.
Here are some reflections to help your child if they feel they are underachieving:
Look at your own parental attitudes towards achievement. Take care not to demand unrealistic high performance. Are your expectations appropriate in light of your child’s anxiety in this area? Remember every child is different.
If you have little interest in your child’s performance and general school work, they can’t see the point in trying too hard. Always show interest that demonstrates excitement in their work. It is easy to disengage when interest from parents is low.
Be careful not to put your child down if they perform less than perfect. Always acknowledge their efforts, applaud the process and celebrate how far they have come. Affirming their performance only because it reaches your suitable expectations can lead a child to be very angry, frustrated and disheartened. They will feel despondent because they cannot reach such expectations all the time.
Some children will underperform, as they do not want to be different from their peers. I have seen this quite a few times. Easier to be one of the gang, than to stand out with a good effort. In this case, discussions need to be had with the teacher to establish how socially active your child is and how they engage with others. This is more about self-esteem matters.
If your child is underachieving, take little steps. Affirm their work along the way. If they write a story, affirm the stages they are at and compliment them on their efforts.
Play games where they sometimes win and talk about the fun of having a go and succeeding. Simple games like snakes and ladders can build confidence in young children. Building blocks are a great tool for seeing success through the endeavour.
If your child hates chores and says they are boring, simplify the chore. When they finish, have some fun and tell them how finishing the chore makes your life easier.
Select small attainable goals at home. They will be less frustrated as quickly and feel that they want to finish it off. Sometimes doing the goal with them can be helpful as well.
It can become a habit to underachieve. Find occasions at home to notice when they did complete tasks well. Talk about them and make a fuss about the success it showed.
Use positive upbeat language. Not words that can easily put down your child. Words like:‘Wonderful effort’,‘Great show’, ‘Much appreciated’, ‘What an outstanding effort’ and‘Wow what a great job’. It’s all about getting them to hear positive thoughts about their achievements, no matter how inconsequential.
Little positive notes around the house, in their bedroom and in lunchboxes, about how they did well to achieve certain things is a very effective visual way of letting them feel like an achiever. I used to put a little positive note in each child’s desk each night. This made such a difference to their motivation and drive.
We all have periods of underachieving. Our children will have shifting emotions that, from time to time, may lead them down that path. Just keep up the positive talk and minimise occasions where that sense of hopelessness and reduced drive can linger longer. We don’t want over-achievers; we want natural achievers.
‘The achiever is the only individual who is truly alive.’
George Allen
Do you have plans for a fresh start in the brand new year?
What would you like to improve this year? Here are some ways that you and your child could add healthy habits into your daily life.
Why not? There are many who use this time of the year as a time to reflect on what new initiatives they would like to start. The warmth of Summer days and the feeling of rest and recuperation can easily put in a new zest to the new year. Perhaps you are thinking about setting up healthier routines, changing work patterns etc. All is possible if the desire is strong and the determination is solid.
Your child should be also considered in setting up healthier routines. Each year as they grow there are new challenges, they will also experience changing growth curves intellectually, emotionally, physically and socially. Building a stronger family around routine and working towards ongoing improvement is the key.
Consider:
Have a family discussion about introducing some simple changes and improvements at home. This could be all about the kitchen or simply a discussion about what we can do to make our busy family life easier.
Shaking off old habits can be difficult. Many of our habits are ingrained and will take some time to change. Try changing long term habits slowly. Don’t rush otherwise it is very comfortable and easy to slip back into old ways. Let your child know that you are slowly working to change a bad habit or simply to improve one.
Some children find it helpful to write down their ideas for change. Talk to them about their plan but encourage them to start slowly. Affirm them when they show signs of some effort in making changes.
There are many new experiences about to happen for your child in the new year. This may include a new teacher, new friends, different curriculum challenges, new buildings in which to become familiar. Talk about what they may need to change or perhaps adapt a new way of thinking for this new year. Encourage them to think about the fresh start that will need some adjustment. Perhaps they struggled with their classmates last year. What habits can they develop to start the school year well with friends?
Be realistic when thinking about setting up new pathways for change. Start to become mindful of those habits that you want to change. Think about why they are comfortable and why they are causing you some concern? Reflect on those particular patterns you want to change with your child. Be inclusive and ensure that they are open to your ideas.
When discussing with your child the possibility of change, don't forget to include all the positive experiences they had last year that made a difference. Perhaps it was a year when they learnt how to make new friends etc. Build the foundation that increases our strengths, working on habits to improve is a natural process.
Children love to feel excited and anticipate all the good things that are ahead for them in the new year. Here is a chance to talk about the great adventures to come. For example, they may be looking forward to school camp. Talk about what is a positive habit to get ready for camp. It’s all about building that foundation that is strong and positive.
Keep a simple list on the fridge of some positive changes that you want to make and, of course, your child can include their plan. This gives you a chance to chat about them from time to time. Younger children can colour in their plans, some may put their thoughts in a box and bring them out when a habit has changed. Have some fun with it. You are basically encouraging positive change which helps them grow stronger in so many ways.
Finally, your child is listening and learning from you. They are in tune with how you think and what habits are important in your life. Giving them guidance around building new habits and reflecting on that change is healthy. It’s all about teaching them that growth. in many ways, comes from such change.
‘Successful people are simply those with successful habits’
-Brian Tracey
Getting back on track after a damage to the relationship with your child
Here are some parenting tips for getting back on track after damage to the relationship with your child.
We all go through cycles, from being strong and happy in our relationship, to needing some damage control. Given our human frailty, we often make mistakes. We can become tired and less able-bodied in giving the right response at the right time. Our children are also human and may react in ways that we find unusual or confusing. This can be driven by fatigue, anxiety, misunderstanding etc. Our human condition reminds us that being in a perfect relationship is not the case all the time.
What we need to develop are some skills that help us recover from the damage and move on quickly. The last thing we want is prolonged silences or continued poor behaviour which can escalate quickly.
Consider:
We cannot always be prepared but keep the value of silence up your sleeve. In other words, when an incident happens and your readiness to respond is not there, try walking away, delaying the conversation. Quick unprepared responses can create more damage. Silence does not add to the problem. Of course, prolonged silences do.
If an incident has occurred have some suitable words ready.
‘I can see that you are not happy by your behaviours, we need to sit down and talk about it.’
Best to do this than to react to the poor behaviour
When in discussion about the breakdown, be in a calm space. If you are agitated the child will pick up the vibes and be more resistant.
Have the discussion at a time that suits you and in an environment without noise and interruption from other family members. It does not take much to unsettle such situations.
For a very young child, it is more about a tantrum, speak softly and approach it using words that are gentle and do not sound too intimidating.
If after the discussion there are some consequences, try to involve your child in making a decision about how those consequences should be. Make it a negotiation.
Timing is everything. Teachers are very skilled in choosing their time to talk to children when damage has occurred, sometimes the wait makes for a better result.
Remember that when a breakdown occurs, both yourself and your child feel poorly. Never underestimate that even though they appear angry, they are feeling the loss and trust of the relationship which they need.
After there is reparation, keep the mood positive and make sure that you have moved on. Carrying residual anger or disappointment can only further damage the relationship and delay healing.
Finally, keep in mind that no matter how sad or disappointed you feel about the breakdown, you are dealing with a child’s problem. Keep things into perspective so that life goes on, both you and your child are happy and peace in your relationship continues.
‘The wound is not my fault. But the healing is my responsibility.’
-Marianne Williamson
Keeping the stress level down is a great asset as a parent
Stress is a natural part of life, especially when you're a parent. Here are a few ways to reduce your stress level for yourself and your child.
Have you noticed that parenting, being an active person and managing a family can be stressful? Stress is a very natural part of everyone’s life.
Here’s the thing! You will be a more effective parent if you can learn to lessen the stress that can so easily creep into your life. Also, you will feel happier, which is such an important component in the business of being a parent. Your body is not meant to be on alert in a constant crisis mode, as unrelieved stress can impair so much of your faculties.
Think about how the following skills which can be gradually learnt or built into your daily routine. At the very least understand them as common factors that can increase stress levels.
Consider:
Are you quick to respond to stress? Do your reactions to stressful situations increase or reduce your feelings of well-being? Is it best to remove yourself from some situations to reduce the stress in your life? Sometimes it’s best to read the signs and walk away from such situations leaving yourself in control.
Are you a person that is always in a rush? Is that rush all about succeeding, doing the right thing or just trying to be in control? Remember, too much rush can mean you stop listening and miss the best part of life.
Are you inclined to make issues bigger than they are? Easily done when gossip and unhealthy discussion is around. Try to put things into proportion. In time, everything passes and all will be well.
Are you inclined to be a perfectionist? Striving for perfection is exhausting and never satisfying especially around children. Start to accept and appreciate that life is all about ups and downs and this is normal.
When there are anxious times do you need to handle them on your own? Try asking for help and building confidence to ask for the help you need. You do not need to fight battles on your own.
When you are compassionate, you are more aware and sensitive of others. This can lower your feelings of stress. Feelings of compassion and gratitude take you into a more gentle and appreciative framework.
Recognise the negative self-talk which can creep up when feeling poorly. This is especially the case when you are feeling tired. Keep feeding yourself positive “I” Statements.
‘I am really good at….’
‘I am talented at…..’
‘People like my….’
Focus on how you are an achiever.
You don’t need everyone’s approval nor do you need to please everyone. Take care to understand why you feel tired trying to please everyone.
It’s a well known support for stress but it works. When feeling anxious simply take slow deep breaths. Allow the time and feel stronger from the silence and pace of the breathing.
Mindfulness is all about savouring the goodness of the moment. A focus on this can distract from the moment of anxiety.
Be mindful that you need to create some personal interruption free time. This gives you time to simply catch up.
Try physical exercise on a regular basis. Simply walking daily is so therapeutic.
Do something creative for yourself each day. Your spirit is lifted when being creative.
Take a walk into nature. Feel the wind. It lifts the spirit. Keep nature close at hand. It’s such a friend to the spirit.
Humour is a great healer. Find laughter and humour in your daily experiences.
These are all ideas to help you work on reducing stress. Your child will quickly recognise you are working to control stress to be a happier person. This is all good modelling. Remember we are human and our best efforts as parents are to provide a model of a parent working towards feeling and being better.
A positive thought
It is just so tricky thinking up creative ways to have fun and engage with the children in lockdown. I was recently thinking of a very successful teacher who had the most wonderful disposition and skill in turning doom and gloom in the classroom into something happy and positive.
No mean feat when you have unsettled children. Perhaps her idea may have some application in your home. Call it a “negative stop buster” to clear the cobwebs and change thinking in a negative way.
Her method of improving attitude was to declare the day a P Day. This meant that the children could only talk positive talk and discuss things that were making them happy. For example:
Today the sun has come out.
I am really looking forward to lunch.
I finished my on-line work. Yeh!!
I will wear this t-shirt. I like all the colours.
I love riding my bike.
I am looking forward to some desert.
Thanks for lending me your pencil.
When we play Lego together I have so much fun.
What this teacher was doing was conditioning the children into seeing the small things in the day as positive. It is quite amazing how it can redirect your mood. In the junior classes, children would record how many times they talked about positive thoughts. It became quite a fun activity.
It was a game, but one in which the children turned their thinking to discovering the positive in simple things. This naturally created positive feelings that can take away the unsettling mood.
Perhaps you could have a “P” hour once a day as a whole day could be just too much to coordinate.
This game is simply a tool in redirecting negative thoughts into positive. You may find it a useful strategy in the home setting during these repeated days of more of the same.
No surprises, this teacher was well loved by the children. Positive people always attract others through their warm and happy disposition.
“A positive mindset brings positive things.”
A child’s strengths - Oh so many!
Do we recognise the unique strengths that your child has brewing within them? We are certainly able to identify some of the obvious strengths. Your child may be good at Maths. They may write well. They may excel at running or some other sport. All of these are clear and visible strengths in which we affirm and easily give our child reassurance. There are also many evolving aspects of your child that need nurturing and encouragement. They can be more subtle and we need to be tuned in, to pick up the signs for these evolving strengths. They are developing strengths in the emotional and social aspects of their life which are critical for your child to become a well-rounded, functioning adult. We often forget to acknowledge these developing strengths and so I will now list some for us to reflect on as parents. The list is not exclusive but hopefully will give some insight into what you are looking for in your child.
Does your child demonstrate from time to time?
Compassion for others.
Unselfishness and is able to share.
A generous spirit and will check to ensure others are included.
Developing empathy to those less abled or in some way hurt or offended.
An ability to share conversation and listen well to others.
Shows patience in difficult situations.
Kindness to those around.
Has an ability to form friends well and easily. Do they sustain friendships?
Is your child inclusive with other children in their friendship groups?
Has a tendency to put others ahead of themselves.
Reflects on activities that happen to them.
Talks positively about others and looks for the best in people.
When they are challenged through school work, friendships etc. do they look to find the positive in the situation and choose not to blame?
Are they able to forgive hurts and move on quickly?
Is sharing a natural part of how they interact with others?
All of these and there are plenty more, are examples of a child’s developing social and emotional maturity. All of these qualities should be strengthened by our tuning into their presence in our child’s life.
‘Well done, I can see how you are a good friend and you gave your share of the sweets to James because he wasn’t feeling well.’
‘I noticed how you included all the children in your class to your birthday party. You are fair to everyone.’
‘When you play basketball, I notice how you are keen to play as a team player and share the ball. Bravo.’
Your progressive affirmations alert the child to the fact that their social and emotional responses are highly valued. This is the foundational time for building an intuitive and emotionally intelligent young adult who will be a well-rounded and productive individual with a great ability to remain mentally healthy.
“Teach your children how to identify their own strengths and challenge them to contribute these strengths to others.”