We need to regulate our angry responses around children

Maintaining composure and not getting too angry too quickly is crucial for effective parenting. Here are six reasons why this is important. The examples given are helpful in identifying the sorts of issues that happen at home. It is very easy and quick to turn to anger when disappointed in some behaviour, tired, irritable or just plain out of sorts. A child often doesn’t understand why you reach that point. So taking care to keep levels of anger down and to take time out before addressing the issue is the best resolution.

1. Modelling Emotional Regulation: When a child spills a drink accidentally, instead of getting angry immediately, say, "It's okay, accidents happen. Let's clean it up together." By staying calm, you teach your child how to manage their own emotions. They also listen and don’t shut down when you keep calm.

2. Teaching Problem-Solving Skills: If your child forgets their homework, rather than reacting with anger, say, "Let's figure out a solution together. How can we make sure you remember your homework in the future?" This approach helps your child learn to address challenges constructively. If they expect you to react angrily they will build anxiety over time and will avoid being in contact with you.

3. Promoting a Safe and Trusting Environment: If your child confesses to a mistake, like breaking a toy, avoid immediate anger and instead say, "Thank you for telling me the truth. We can find a way to fix it together." This encourages honesty and trust. We don’t want them to develop a fear over telling the truth

4. Preventing Escalation of Conflict: If a sibling argument arises, try not to jump in with anger. Instead, say, "Let's all take a deep breath and talk about what happened calmly." By staying composed, you prevent conflicts from worsening.

5. Maintaining Effective Communication: If your child receives a poor grade, don't react with anger. Instead, say, "Let's talk about what happened and how we can help you improve." This approach encourages open communication and problem-solving.

6. Protecting Your Child's Self-Esteem: If your child struggles with a task, don't express frustration. Instead, say, "It's okay to find this challenging. We all have things we need to practice." This protects their self-esteem and promotes a growth mindset.

Keeping your anger under control is all about emotional regulation. If a child believes that anger is your first response, your relationship with them will deteriorate and in many cases, children shut down or simply keep you out of the loop. That is their survival tactic to avoid the repercussions of anger, which is seen as a form of power and control.

If you have a relaxed and understanding approach and keep your tone calm and sympathetic, your child will approach you comfortably and with the absolute truth.

‘My job as a parent isn’t to control my child’s emotions. My job as a parent is to control mine.’

                                                            -Shelley Robinson

Be excited for your child as they attend school each day

Imagine educating your child on your own! There is so much excitement and anticipation when your child starts school as they will be exposed to myriads of opportunities and challenges. You will journey through the school experience and together with your child enjoy the long and winding process together. You are in partnership with the school which sees you as a critical educator and contributor to your child’s education.

A school’s environment will have much to offer your child. Below are some very realistic outcomes that you can expect from the school.

Social Development: School is a place where children interact with peers and learn valuable social skills like sharing, cooperation, and making friends. Parents can be happy about their child's chance to develop important social relationships. Their ability to make friends, keep them and practice the art of good communication comes from the school setting. Such an environment enlivens your child’s emotional and social growth. They learn a lot about self-esteem by studying their peers.

Independence and Responsibility: School teaches children to become more independent and responsible for their actions. Parents can look forward to seeing their child grow in maturity and self-sufficiency as they take on new responsibilities. A school will support the work you do in teaching your child all about being responsible. Teachers work hard to encourage independence in learning and set expectations and goals for your child.

Broadening Horizons: School exposes children to a wide range of subjects, ideas, and experiences that they may not encounter at home. Parents can be excited about the opportunity for their child to explore different interests and broaden their horizons. You cannot do everything. A school presents topics that can be discussed openly and challenges your child to think differently. The setting of a school sets the scene for healthy, vibrant conversation. It encourages your child to think differently.

Emotional and Cognitive Development: School not only focuses on academic learning but also on emotional and cognitive development. Parents can be happy knowing that their child will receive guidance and support in developing important life skills and emotional intelligence. As your child grows, the school will set social and emotional expectations to match their age and learning. It will challenge your child in different ways to enrich their emotional intelligence.

Future Opportunities: A good education lays the foundation for future opportunities and success. Parents can feel excited about the doors that may open for their child as they progress through their educational journey. Who knows what your child will do and become after they leave school? The excitement is to watch how school broadens their thinking and expectations. You are not alone in preparing them for life.

In summary, school offers children a host of benefits, from educational and social growth to independence and future opportunities, which can make parents excited and happy about their child's educational journey. So be happy when you send them off to school. Understand that school will be a setting to parallel all the good work that you do through parenting.

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.’’                                                                                             

Einstein.

Managing our anger around our children

We all find ourselves angry from time to time. When we are around children. it is so important to manage and control our anger, especially when dealing with concerning issues. Anger is a powerful force. Dysfunction arises when you use your anger to hurt yourself and others. A child will read into our anger not the least of which is disapproval. Extreme anger can be frightening and is a violation of your child’s right to feel safe. Therefore, understanding that anger must be well managed around children is important for all parents to grasp.

Here are some positive reasons why managing anger well benefits relationships with your child:

Emotional Role Modelling: Children learn how to manage their own emotions by observing their parents. When parents manage their anger in a healthy and controlled manner, children are more likely to adopt similar strategies when faced with challenging situations. This is all about emotional intelligence. The more we understand that anger can be destructive and useless in resolving matters, the more we are using our emotional intelligence.

Healthy Communication: Managing anger fosters open and effective communication within the family. When parents express their feelings calmly and respectfully, it creates an environment where children feel safe to express themselves. This encourages healthy discussions, problem-solving, and understanding. When a child feels safe, that anger will not be a feature of discussions and telecommunications are more inclined to be honest and engaging with parents.

Positive Conflict Resolution: Every family faces disagreements, but how parents handle conflicts directly impacts children's perception of conflict resolution. By addressing issues calmly and constructively, parents teach children that conflicts can be resolved without resorting to aggression or hostility. This is where we listen with sincerity, negotiate fairly and affirm your child for engaging in this process. It works for everyone in the family.

Emotional Safety and Trust: Children thrive in an environment where they feel emotionally safe and secure. When parents manage their anger, they create a stable and nurturing atmosphere where children know they won't face unnecessary outbursts or unpredictable reactions. This fosters trust and allows children to approach their parents with their concerns and fears. Living in a household of no fear guarantees a happy and inviting space in which to grow and prosper.

Promoting Self-Esteem: Children are sensitive to their parents' emotions and can internalise negative reactions as personal failures. Self-confidence will easily deteriorate if they feel that their parents are negatively responding to them. By managing anger, parents prevent unnecessary blame and criticism that could harm a child's self-esteem. Instead, a controlled response helps children understand that mistakes are a natural part of learning and that they're still loved and valued despite any missteps. Harmful words live long with a child.

Increased listening: When there is gentle conversation and no stress connected to the conversations, a child will listen with more attention and interest. If anger is present children will shut down and their ability to listen effectively is reduced immensely.

Improved use of quality language: When we speak without anger and we are still dealing with issues the use of our language is important and is much more sophisticated than the use of angry words.

When you feel the urge to be angry around your child, take a deep breath and allow some time before speaking out. This drives down some angry intent and will lead to better outcomes when working through issues. It gives you more time to think about the problem and perhaps put things into a better perspective.

“Anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds Nothing, but it can destroy everything.”

                                    -Lawrence Douglas Wilder.

Helping the shy, less confident child

For some of our children, finding the confidence to speak up is a hard process. In fact, it can become quite a habit to sit back, observe others and have no expectations of putting yourself forward in a group situation. The confident, more dominant personality, will take centre stage and the quieter child will become the audience. There are some strategies you can use to help build a child’s stamina in this area.

 Consider:

• If you are a louder, more prominent personality, try to tone it down around your child. They will step back and not engage as effectively if they feel that you are taking over.

• If there are other more confident siblings around, make sure that your quiet child gets their voice heard. Perhaps at dinner time, everyone takes turns to talk about their day.

• Reassure with plenty of ‘I’ statements. ‘I like it when you tell me what happened.’ ‘I am so happy to hear that story.’ ‘Well done. That is a great idea. Tell me more.’

• Choose your words carefully and avoid harsh criticism. This is such a setback for a less confident child. They remember all the negative words.

• Giving them more independence builds their self-confidence. Start doing things for them but pull back and let them finish the tasks.

• Exercise listening more to what they have to say. This will affirm their worth. Give excellent eye contact and undisturbed attention when they talk. Choose a special time on your own to have those chats.

• Talking in front of groups can be difficult. Invite them to practise in front of the family, talk about their hobbies etc.

• Joining extracurricular activities means they will need to engage with others. Being a team member means committing to collaboration and engagement with others. Learning an instrument means presenting in front of people. It all helps.

• Encourage friendships. Having a friend requires effort and commitment.

• Remember when you praise be specific. ‘I was so impressed with how you spoke to your friend who was upset. You were so sympathetic.’

• Use open-ended questions. This gives them scope to answer expressively. ‘Tell me about the project?’ ‘What have you learnt at basketball training today?” We don’t want ‘yes, no’ answers.

• Surprisingly shy children act out in plays very well. In fact, they enjoy taking on another character. Encourage joining a drama group or simply dress up and reenact fairy tales at home. Home can become a great uninhibited theatre for the whole family. Perhaps your child can act out what happened at school that day.

• Reading stories out loud to the whole family is helpful. How about a family novel where each child reads a small section after dinner?

• When you hear of some lack of confidence they display with regard to something at school, encourage them to set little goals to work on the issue. Then praise them for their efforts.

• Set realistic expectations at home. They want to please you and if they succeed they feel so much more secure in themselves.

• Play often with your child. This helps with building positive self-talk. They feel confident and happy to plough through the play and learn more about themselves.

Little by little your shy, less confident child can become quite a strong, capable personality over time. Slow, steady encouragement while at the same time respecting their emotional and social stage of development is the best way forward.

‘Believe you can and you’re halfway there.”

                                                                            -Theodore Roosevelt

Set small goals to set success.

Encourage your child to develop successful habits. It is well known that success breeds success and the more a child feels capable and experiences success they quickly build their confidence which feeds into more success.

Teachers know that when a child gains a sense of success and achievement they are generally happier and more inclined to take a risk and to not worry when they make a mistake. Once they feel capable of success and have demonstrated it to themselves, taking risks is a comfortable process and they’re not worried about making mistakes as their emotional stamina is strong enough to deal with failure.

•  Attract success. A child should have regular incidences of success both at home and at school. They can be intermittent but they come as part of the child’s daily experiences. Remember ongoing success continues to feed  into that sense of well being.

• Do you notice how often in small ways your child is successful and if so do you acknowledge it? For example, when your child learns to skip, do headstands, write sentences correctly, play fairly and well in a sports team etc. these are successful occasions. There are many occasions to show how they are successful. These are small incremental steps but build a body of success.

• Tell your child that they have had a success when you notice it and talk about the positive feeling associated:

‘You must be so pleased with yourself that you can now get your pen license from school. Well done. What a success.’

• A wise person looks to achieve goals that are within grasp. It is all about not sabotaging your sense of possible success. It is about being realistic. You can help your child choose goals that are within reason. Certainly no harm in stretching their thinking but take care that they are not setting unrealistic expectations doomed for failure.

• A child who goes after smaller and more regular goals begins to feel very confident and will wisely choose goals that take them a step ahead.

• Think about how a child learns to walk. Through trial and error they learn and gradually they push themselves a little harder. What joy for them and everyone when they finally walk. Something drives them to keep going as they move from crawling to sitting up, etc.

• Working towards a goal should be a happy experience and should not come with too much stress and anxiety. Too much pressure on a child will make the goal too unreachable and unjustifiably a child will feel a failure. Small steady chunks to achieve reasonable goals is the best way forward.

• Teach your child that celebrating success is important along the way. Make it a family habit to regularly talk about the small successes that your child makes. Be noisy about it and it will appear an expected and  natural part of life.

• Setting a goal that is a long way away means that you need to help your child take small steps to get there. For example, their goal is to learn how to sew and they want to make a dress. You will take small steps in teaching them and applaud the small improvements along the way. So much to learn but with increased knowledge and experience on the sewing machine the final garment is a product of great pride and success.

Finally, be observant and notice those small, incidental, successful steps your child takes and they will do the rest!

                       ‘Success is not final, failure is not fatal:

                        It is the courage to continue that counts.’

                                                                                     -Winston Churchill

Is your child comparing themselves to others?

When we start to compare ourselves unfavourably with others it becomes obvious that we are lacking in self-confidence. Comparing ourselves to others can be all about how we look, how happier others are or perhaps how more successful people are around us. We notice the differences and we become unhappy or dissatisfied with ourselves.

A child is always on the go developing their sense of self-worth and building foundations that reassure them of their worthiness. They do not need to focus on others around them who are doing better or who perceive to be more successful. Finding the grass greener on someone else’s turf or forgetting about your own strengths is a forerunner to ongoing doubt and failure. There is simply nothing going for judging yourself against others.

Such negativism also destroys your beauty within and others see the bitterness and stagnation that can creep into your life. It can be given the name, resentment.

There are many influences that can cause us to compare with others.

Advertising invites us to compare and buy the best. Social media is all about creating perfect images that we would all like to be. Consider all the growing businesses for plastic surgery that will change the way we look and create someone else’s image that would make us feel better!

Body image is a massive area for children in which to take control. We think about how fat or slim we are compared to what society thinks is beautiful. We tend to relate body image to self-esteem.  For a child this can be a concern as they become quite anxious about what others think about them. Unfortunately, as the child grows they see that many people judge others by what they wear, what they say and how they portray an image. To fit into a child’s social world, they may think they need to change to feel good about themselves. We know this as group pressure.

We need to teach our children to love their own body, no matter what shape, size or colour it comes in. It is their business and they need to be happy with themselves. We reinforce these concepts by demonstrating ourselves how we treat our body and how we see beauty in many forms and not the prescribed view of beauty through social media etc. If we want change we introduce change driven by our own desires and not controlled by media hype. This is such an important message to give our children.

 Here are some suggestions to help you work with your child in offsetting unfortunate comparisons.

•  Encourage your child to think of others and applaud their efforts. Be the person who affirms others successes and talks about their achievements. It is a mature and sometimes brave act to celebrate other people’s achievements as it demonstrates that you care about others. It is also a mature chance to learn from them. What can you take from their success story that will be helpful to you?

• Remember to teach your child to be self-encouraging. They need to learn that they can be great motivators for themselves. Talk about some great self-motivators such as Ash Barty whose self-discipline comes from her self talk which is so positive. Also, teach your child to think about what they are good at. Get them to write it down and talk about it quite often as a family. Naming the good stuff is so valuable and seeing it written is more inspirational.

• Often people that look confident are confident. Once people see you being more sure of yourself they pay more attention to you. Once a child sees that others see them as confident it tends to feed off itself.

• Take care that we avoid negative self-talk when something goes wrong. It is easy to self-blame and call yourself dumb or stupid. When your self-talk is positive you are giving yourself permission to be successful and it works!

• We need to teach our children to simply be the best they can be and this will be and should be enough. You applaud their effort to improve but above all their expectations are enough.  Often we become anxious about what we are not, rather than having confidence in who we are and what we have to offer. We need to value what we have to offer. Reinforce with your child how happy you are simply with them and you would expect nothing else.

• Tell them: I love your uniqueness.

              “I appreciate your generosity.”

                “I can see your thoughtfulness.”

          Name and claim these individual traits in a loud voice that make your child the very best.

Finally, it is not an easy task helping your child overcome the temptation to compare but nonetheless you are instrumental in creating and building a very positive self-image of your child that acts as a strong foundational tool in building self-worth and positive well-being into their future.

          ‘Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you’re born to stand out.’

                                                                                          -Oliver James

Take care with words

We often hear that sticks and stones can break your bones but names can never hurt you. I wonder!

Children are very easily affected by words and negative words will often be the bread and butter of feeling bullied and less secure. Words that are used in haste by parents can also cause distress in children who are frequently seeking and needing your approval.  Words that are damaging to a child can be hidden in sentences such as:

“What a silly thing to do.”

You may not have said directly that your child was silly but that is the word that sticks and to the child that is the accusation.

How about when we say:

“That’s a dumb thing to do,” in effect the child thinks that they are dumb. 

Teachers are always watching their language to ensure that a child does not misinterpret their words. Once a child feels vulnerable as words have been used that intimidate them, the relationship is damaged. Often teachers quickly recognise that their language was damaging and so go into immediate mode to rectify the problem. Teachers will train themselves to avoid careless words.

 Parents naturally speak with much incidental talk around and with their child. Little ears pick it all up and careless words can easily creep into conversations especially when we are disappointed.

 “Watch out for the cord on the floor. It would be a silly thing to fall over it.”

Try saying:

“Watch out for the cord on the floor. It is dangerous.”

 Avoiding the obvious damaging words is the safest route. Words such as “dumb, silly ridiculous, crazy, mad, etc”. Words that can have connotations that imply the child is incompetent can be damaging.

 When working with children I tried to introduce some affirming words. For example:

“Thanks for closing the door quietly as it is an awful sound when it slams.”

It is amazing how the simple affirming positives can take away the edge in conversation. Such positives invite conversations that are not threatening.

Keep in mind the following thoughts:

• Better conversation means the relationship is on a healthy path. There is more honesty when a child feels less threatened by negative words.

• The use of negative words can mean that the child will shut down from the conversation.

• If there is a pattern of using negative words when something goes wrong, will your child approach you?

• When very upset allow some time to pass before bringing up the matter. Silence can be golden. It can reduce anger and ensure less damaging conversations will follow.

• Finally, think about the times when negative words have been used on yourself. I am sure you will recognise that feeling of loss and frustration. Did the feeling change your opinion of the person speaking the words? How did you respond after the words were used?

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can be everlasting.”

Take care with the word we use. Remember sticks and stones can break those bones!

Consider how we speak. How do we use our words? Are we quick to say things off the cuff or are we more precise and careful in how we speak? Our children hear not only what we have to say but how we say it. They quickly pick up the intonation and sense our mood, intent and temper in our conversations. This blog is to invite us to reflect a little more deeply on how we present ourselves to children through our words. Do we want them to see us a controlled person or one who speaks with thought and with judgement in how we speak?

No question about it, children will be attracted to the parent who speaks calmly and is approachable and not so quick to temper. These are parents who choose their words carefully.

 Consider the following:

• How we speak gives a message to our children about how we approach life. More words are not always better than less, more meaningful words.

• We want our children to engage with us over many topics. The more controversial, the less likely they will approach someone who speaks quickly, jumps to conclusions and can be quick to respond with strong opinion. Even using highly articulate words can be intimidating to a young child. By them not understanding the words can more unsettling.

• Remember, ‘Words once spoken can never be revoked.’ (Horaci 65-8BC)

The advice here is about realising the power and potential damage if words are used with intent to hurt. By stopping and thinking before speaking we put the relationship at less risk. This gives us time to choose words well.

• People who demonstrate action over words are considered wise and rational people. Our children benefit from seeing this model in their parents.

• Careless thoughtless words can be very influential in changing relationships for good. Going into damage control is never as effective as simply avoiding such words.

• Teachers know the value of speaking well and using it to bring out the best in children. They know that careless talk changes the relationship by diminishing trust and teaching children becomes more difficult. They encourage children to think about what they want to say so that they get the best from the conversation.

As a principal, it was so important to speak with clarity, know my facts and think about the words that I was using so that a child would not misinterpret what I said. By doing this I was in a better situation to have a healthy, productive conversation.

It is such a powerful tool, the use of words. We are gifted with speech but should see it as a force to do good and to build relationships, especially with our children.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

— Peggy O’Mara

Teaching your children to be planners

Organisation is always a challenge for children as they grow. Also, as parents, some of us are less organised people in planning events etc. It’s just in our nature how we approach planning. This article tells us that planning can be learnt, which is so beneficial for children’s success in self-management. The earlier they value being a planner, the more they gain through being organised and in control of what they are doing.

Taking time to plan something well shows that a person is making choices about how they want to be in control of their actions. They come to understand that they will have more successful outcomes by being a planner. Planning well gives you a vision into what you are expecting as an outcome. To be productive is to plan well. For example, if you plan your trip well for the school holidays you feel reassured that it will be successful and that you have a clear understanding of what to expect. There are fewer unfortunate surprises.

There are developing skills in learning to plan well and children will get better at it and more accurate in their planning, reading situations better etc. as time goes. They will make mistakes but grow in confidence about sharpening the planning process.

Teachers know that planning their lessons well is the key to the quality of teaching. Without effective well-planned lessons, teachers easily lose control of the outcomes. They understand that the quality of their planning will impact a child’s learning.

Read here to help your child be a dedicated planner.

They are also keen to teach children the importance of planning and when assignments are on the agenda, teachers will spend considerable time with children discussing their plan. Sometimes pieces of work are marked on the quality of the planning demonstrated by a child.

When we teach our children to plan important events etc., they begin to value the process of planning as a way of managing their world and feel in control. They are setting the directions themselves. Once they feel the success of their planning, children will want more control of their actions.

Here are some thoughts on helping your child become a dedicated planner.

• Demonstrate to your child how you plan for important events, occasions etc. Allow them to share in some of this planning. Is planning an important part of your work life?

• There are various ways to plan and everyone develops their own style. Talk about what tools you use to help you plan. For example, are you someone who takes notes?

• Do you plan your events on a computer? Do you revisit the plan?

• What resources do you use in planning?

• When your child talks about important events that they will participate in, talk about what plans they have in place to make it successful.

• When planning we all need time for this and talk to your children about how much time they will give to the planning process.

• Talk about successes you have had from careful planning. It is also worthwhile to talk about the trial and error in planning. This is also an important process we go through before discernment.

A wise person sees planning as a natural part of putting order and structure into their world. Teaching our children, the value of planning gives them an important tool in guiding their directions with personal satisfaction and confidence.

“‘Good teaching is more a giving of right questions than a giving of right answers.’

                             -Josef Albers”

— Quote Source

The great potential of our children

School is such a great place for bringing out the best in children.

Each day teachers motivate, stimulate and drive children’s thirst for learning. They are experts at bringing out the best in the children as they know that within each child there is so much potential. The more they develop and ignite their gifts the greater learning will occur on so many levels.

How about home?

Do we recognise those great gifts and the potential of our children? Some potential is very obvious. If a child is good at Maths that is quite clear to everyone. However, there are many potentials that we need to bring out of our children and certainly, we need to recognise the more subtle potentiality that appears from time to time.

Here is a list upon which to reflect when highlighting and affirming potential gifts in our children:

Some of our child’s potential is very obvious. Some is not and we must recognise it and celebrate it.

• Notice how your child treats others. Do they demonstrate a well-developed style of treating others with kindness and understanding? This shows the development of compassion and sensitivity.

• Does your child have skill in engaging with all children and being inclusive in play? This is quite a gift and potentially shows leadership in a child. Great leaders are inclusive.

• Is your child well organised and likes to set goals? Such a gift shows the potential of being a well-balanced and self-disciplined person.

• Is your child a great listener to others? Such a gift leads to the potential of being an effective adult who listens with intent, patience and tolerance for other’s opinions.

• Does your child show patience in a special way? Oh, what a gift is developing here. Such potential leads to a well-balanced person, tolerant and wise.

• Is your child noticeably aware of others that are less advantaged? This shows that a child will potentially develop strong compassion and fairness in life.

These are some examples where your child can develop into a warm and caring person with substantial emotional maturity.

This article is about looking for the potential in your child to develop into a well-rounded human being. Think about all the subtle examples of your child’s behaviour to others and themselves.

To live to your full potential is all about using your gifts and greatness for the common good. Let’s encourage our children to see their potential as an opportunity to grow wisely and sensibly.

“Free the child’s potential and you will release them into the world.”

— Maria Montessori

Teaching our children to take on responsibility

This is all about giving them gradual independence to manage themselves. As they grow in independence they will certainly come across situations where they are uncomfortable, exposed to failure and feel generally unsatisfied with their efforts. These are all-natural feelings. Sometimes as parents we think by taking the responsibility away from them, they will have less pain and besides what if they make a mistake? How will they feel?

As the child grows in independence, they also grow in taking on their own responsibility for things. This teaches them to own the situation. There is much satisfaction with a child when they start to take responsibility. This gives them a sense of self-worth and a feeling of growing up as a real person. There is nothing more enriching than having that feeling of making decisions yourself.

Our role as parents is to support this gradual development and watch with joy our young one taking on responsibility.

Teachers know that in order for children to learn effectively they need to take ownership of their learning. During the school day, teachers will provide situations where children will make informed decisions on what they learn and how they learn. At parent-teacher interviews, there is nothing more satisfying for a parent than to hear that their child is a responsible learner. This has come about by gradually learning to take risks and to make responsible choices for themselves.

Teachers know that success only comes from accepting responsibility.

You will be amazed how small opportunities to take on responsibility will increase self-esteem once they are successful in showing responsibility.

Consider the following thoughts to build stamina in your child with regard to taking on responsibility:

• Consider your own life situation. Are you a person that models responsibility and ownership of situations? Talk to your child about why this has been important to you over the years.

• Do you have a list of chores at home that your child must do as part of the family routine? Could these chores grow in responsibility as the child gets older and demonstrates their growing strength in this area?

• If you are having a holiday, get your child involved in the planning and being responsible for certain duties. Perhaps they take ownership of packing their bags, researching venues etc.

• Talk about the responsibility of doing tasks at school. We know that leadership develops in children who show strong skills in being responsible. School captains are chosen from those children who demonstrate strong skills in being responsible. Teachers frequently set up monitors in classrooms on a rotation basis giving children responsibilities to manage.

• Talk about how you value your child’s growing awareness and interest in taking on responsibility. Take care not to rescue your child too soon after disaster strikes as this will only disengage your child from taking on responsibility. It also delays any further interest in being responsible.

• For those children reticent to be independent, give them small opportunities to be independent. You will be amazed how this will grow once they are successful in showing responsibility.

• We live in a world where the safety of our children is paramount and to this end, I can understand how we are cautious parents in giving them too much responsibility and independence early.

I would argue that with gradual responsibility being handed to them, they are stronger and more confident young people. They are more observant of life around them when being responsible for themselves. They confidently and intuitively show skill in navigating their way around difficult situations and are much happier in themselves being in control.

“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”

— Denis Waitley

Faults! We all have them.

Do we sometimes focus too much on the faults that we see around us? Children by nature of being children are frequently making mistakes from practical matters through to their fragile emotional growth. I say all hail faults! Have often do you hear your child say:

“It’s not my fault.” At an early age, a child struggles to own a fault.

The key here is to focus more on virtues and gifts that we see present in our children. We certainly teach our children to manage faults and we do this in a gentle and caring way. We teach them to manage their faults and we praise their efforts when they show improvement.

Now that school has resumed children are exposed to various learning situations that will challenge them both inside the classroom and outside. They begin to recognise through the support of teachers, that making mistakes is acceptable and that we learn to strengthen the fault line by practice, effort and determination. Their world in school will be a daily exercise of managing success and checking in when faults occur. Our job as parents is to support them by accepting that we all make mistakes and have faults that can be worked on with support and encouragement. Let us take out the negative undertone of the word, “fault” and see it as an opportunity to grow. I am inclined to replace the word with “mistakes”.

Consider the following thoughts:

• Are you a person who tends to notice faults before you notice the best of the person? If this is the case keep reminding yourself that focussing on faults only exacerbates one’s feeling of failure or disappointment in someone else.  It is not difficult to develop a negative mindset about someone if you just focus on their faults.

• Talk about how you have been working on yourself to improve in some area. Perhaps your fault is never being on time. Talk to your child about what you are doing to improve in this area. It’s important to show the child that naming the fault is the first job in taking control. Once named it puts things into perspective.

• When your child talks about how they are struggling to succeed in an area, talk about the times you have seen improvement. Build on the positive times when you did see improvement.

“I can see you are struggling with maths. I remember how you mastered the times tables last year. That was a great success”.

• Remind your child that we all have faults. It’s part of the human condition. Many of our great achievers over time struggled with faults and worked hard by taking risks and working on improvement.

It’s all about developing the best disposition and owning those faulty areas in which improvement can take place if you so wish to work on them.

“I think people who have faults are a lot more interesting than people who are perfect.”

— Spike Lee