Why Your Child’s Mental Health Matters
What's the one thing that influences your child's ability to learn, build friendships, and navigate challenges? It's not the latest educational toy or a packed extracurricular calendar. It's their mental health. Discover why creating a foundation of emotional safety is the greatest gift you can give your child.
As parents, we naturally think about homework, routines and many more. But beneath all of this lies something more important, that is our children’s developing mental health. When children feel safe, supported, and understood, everything else in life becomes easier.
Consider:
A calm mind learns better
When children feel secure, they can focus and enjoy learning. Worry, on the other hand, can cloud their thinking. A little reassurance can make all the difference.
Feelings are part of growing
Big emotions like tears, frustration, and excitement are not problems to be “fixed.” They are chances to teach children how to understand themselves. Saying, “I see you’re upset. Let’s take a moment together,” helps them feel safe.
Friendships blossom with support
Children who know how to share their feelings are more likely to build strong friendships. A child who feels heard at home will find it easier to listen and connect with others outside. They are developing empathy.
Mental health is resilience
Life will always bring challenges. Children who have learned coping skills like talking, breathing, or problem-solving can bounce back more quickly when things go wrong. Give them slow and steady independence.
Small daily habits matter most
Just like brushing teeth protects physical health, small daily moments protect mental health. Reading together, sharing a meal, or even a bedtime chat can make a child feel valued and loved. Keep on with the rituals at home.
Early care lasts a lifetime
The ways children learn to handle stress now will shape their teen years and adulthood. A calm walk, a story before bed, or a hug in tough moments builds lifelong strength. It is OK to live in an imperfect world.
You don’t need all the answers
Often, your presence is more powerful than any solution. A child who knows, “Mum or Dad will sit with me when I’m worried,” already feels less alone.
Try a simple daily check-in, ask, “What was something that made you smile today?” and “Was there anything tricky?”
“Your mind is like a garden. With care it will bloom beautifully.”
Letting Go a Little: Why Gradual Independence Matters for Your Child’s Growth
Letting go a little doesn't mean stepping back; it means stepping alongside. Gail Smith shares how allowing our children to try, stumble, and learn with our support (not control) builds the confidence and independence they need to grow.
One of the hardest parts of parenting is knowing when to step back. We want to keep our children safe, happy, and successful, and sometimes that means we hold on too tightly and are frightened of them making mistakes. We need to start giving them gradual independence, little by little, day by day, even though some of this independence will mean making mistakes which can be upsetting.
We are not leaving them to figure things out alone. It means letting them try, stumble, learn, and succeed with our support, not our control. They learn to know we are there when really needed. If they think we are about control, they will step back and lose interest.
Why Does Gradual Independence Matter?
In today’s world, it can feel risky to let children do things on their own. However it is more risky not to enable your child to cope with the real world and to rely on others to solve problems. There’s pressure to protect them from failure, frustration, and even boredom. But the truth is:
✅ Children learn by doing, not by watching.
✅ Confidence comes from experience, not praise alone.
✅ Resilience is built through overcoming small challenges.
Gradually gaining independence awakens in the child a wonderful sense of personal satisfaction and confidence. It is quite liberating!
Real-Life Examples of Where It Matters
1. Getting Ready for School
It might be quicker (and tidier!) to pack their bag, zip their coat, and butter their toast. But every time we take over, we take away a learning opportunity.
💡 Instead:
Teach them how to check a simple morning list: bag packed, lunchbox in, coat on, shoes by the door. It’ll take patience at first, but it pays off fast, and they’ll feel proud doing it themselves.
2. Friendships and Play
If your child says, “He won’t play with me,” it’s tempting to jump in and fix it. But these small moments are chances to learn negotiation, sharing, and handling disappointment.
💡 Instead:
Ask questions like: “What could you try next time?” or “How do you think he felt?” Help them think through solutions but let them do the talking.
3. Homework and Learning
You want your child to succeed, so it’s natural to sit beside them and guide every step. But they need to learn how to think, not just how to get the answer. This may involve learning from mistakes.
💡 Instead:
Support them to plan their time, set up a quiet space, and check their own work. You’re building independence and responsibility. Homework is also the responsibility of the school and child, not the parent.
4. Problem Solving
From a forgotten jumper to a missed club, let children experience small consequences safely.
💡 Instead:
If they forget something, avoid racing to school with it. Next time, they’ll remember. These low stakes “failures” teach responsibility better than lectures ever could.
What Gets in the Way?
Fear of failure: We worry a mistake will hurt their confidence, but small stumbles teach big lessons.
Time pressure: Life is busy, and doing it ourselves is faster, but it delays learning.
Wanting to protect: We want to shield them from discomfort, but facing challenges with our support grows courage. Children want to feel in control.
How to Start Giving Gradual Independence
Think of it like riding a bike:
1. You hold the saddle.
2. You run beside them.
3. You let go... but stay nearby.
4. You cheer them on even if they wobble.
Every step tells them:
“You’re capable. I believe in you. I feel very happy when I see you showing independence.”
Final Thought: Independence Isn’t the End of Parenting, It’s Part of It
Gradual independence actually brings your child closer to you. It’s about walking beside them while they grow stronger legs. When we give children the space to try, we give them the chance to thrive, and they value the gradual freedom you give them.
So let go, just a little, and watch what they can do. See how creative and confident they become as they happily take charge of their own life.
Understanding Your Child’s Weekly Challenges at School And How You Can Help
As a parent, understanding what your child faces at school can help you provide meaningful support at home. Here’s a guide to some common challenges children encounter and simple actionable ways to help them thrive.
School is a full-time job for children, filled with learning, social interactions, and daily challenges. As a parent, understanding what your child faces each week can help you provide meaningful support at home. Here’s a guide to some common challenges children encounter and practical ways you can help them navigate these experiences.
Academic Learning Challenges
Children are constantly absorbing new information, which can sometimes feel overwhelming. Some children take a longer time to process information, which can cause them stress.
How You Can Help:
• Ask specific questions: Instead of asking “How was school?” try “What was the most interesting thing you learned today?”
• Create a homework-friendly environment: A quiet, well-lit space helps children concentrate.
• Encourage a growth mindset: Praise effort, not just results. Saying, “I love how you kept trying!” builds resilience. It is the process of learning that is important.
• Use real-life learning opportunities: If they’re learning fractions, bake together. If it’s history, visit a museum or watch a documentary. Make learning fun.
Friendships and Social Dynamics
Navigating friendships, dealing with peer pressure, and handling conflicts are significant aspects of school life.
How You Can Help:
• Encourage open conversations: Ask about their friends, group activities, and how they felt during social interactions. Never criticize their choice of friends.
• Model positive social interactions: Show them how to manage conflicts calmly and respectfully in everyday life. Talk about your situations where being calm and steady were necessary.
• Teach empathy: Ask, “How do you think your friend felt?” to encourage perspective-taking.
Managing Expectations and Pressure
Children often feel pressure to perform academically, socially, or in extracurricular activities.
How You Can Help:
• Normalize mistakes: Share your own experiences of learning from failures.
• Help them prioritize: Teach time management with a simple planner or checklist.
• Balance activities: Ensure they have downtime to relax and just be kids.
• Celebrate small successes: Acknowledge their hard work, even if results aren’t perfect.
Handling Tiredness and Stress
A full school week can leave children mentally and physically drained. This can cause unwanted anxiety.
How You Can Help:
• Ensure enough sleep: Set a regular bedtime and limit screen time before bed. Keep their room suitably dark to help them sleep well.
• Promote relaxation techniques: Deep breathing, stretching, or listening to calming music can help. Sometimes having an ongoing art activity or jigsaw puzzle set up can be beneficial.
• Encourage outdoor play: Fresh air and movement help relieve stress. This can be through regular park visits or simply a kick of a ball in the backyard. Make exercise a regular part of their weekly routines.
• Check for over-scheduling: If they’re exhausted, it may be time to scale back commitments. This could include a complete break for a few days.
• Positive outlook: Try to keep a positive outlook in the home throughout the week. This reduces stress.
Building Confidence and Independence
As children grow, they need to develop self-confidence and independence in learning and decision-making. This is where you let them grow emotionally and socially.
How You Can Help:
• Let them solve problems: Instead of jumping in, guide them to find solutions.
• Give responsibilities at home: Small tasks like packing their school bag help build independence.
• Encourage self-advocacy: If they have an issue at school, discuss how they might talk to their teacher about it.
• Foster resilience: Teach them that setbacks are part of learning and encourage perseverance.
Final Thoughts
Just as we experience ups and downs across the week, just as we also feel tired, irritated and unhappy from time to time, so will our child. Your capacity to listen well to their concerns and to offer good counsel with not too much intervention is a helpful way to support their busy week. They need to live in a child's world which will mimic the ups and downs of adult life in some ways. Your hand will be there to guide them gently into making good choices that strengthen their foundation years.
Be a Parent with Purpose: 5 Outstanding Ways to Parent with Intention
Gail Smith shares 5 powerful ways to parent with intention, helping you build trust, love, and growth in your child’s life. It’s about being mindful, consistent, and present—not perfect.
We don’t have to try too hard but with simple behaviour that is solid and reliable you can make a big difference for your child.
Model Values You Want to Teach
Children learn more from what they see than what they’re told. Be intentional about modelling kindness, patience, respect, and responsibility.
Example: If you want your child to be empathetic, let them see you helping others and speaking kindly, even when things are tough.
Create Meaningful Family Rituals
Family traditions foster connection and give children a sense of belonging. Purposeful rituals—like a weekly game night or gratitude journal — build memories and reinforce family values.
Example: Start each day by sharing affirmations with your child.
Focus on Connection Over Perfection
It’s easy to get caught up in the desire to parent perfectly, but children thrive when they feel emotionally connected to their parents. Spend time listening, hugging, and laughing together.
Example: Instead of correcting every mistake, use them as opportunities to bond and teach. For instance, say, “I love you even when things go wrong.”
Encourage Independence with Guidance
Purposeful parents prepare their children for the real world by teaching problem-solving, accountability, and independence. Step back when appropriate but offer a safety net when needed.
Example: Give your child age-appropriate responsibilities, like managing their homework, and discuss their challenges instead of solving problems for them.
Prioritize Presence Over Multitasking
Being present means giving your full attention, even if just for a few minutes each day. It’s not about the amount of time but the quality of your engagement.
Example: Set aside 15-20 minutes daily to talk without distractions—no phones, just undivided attention. Ask open-ended questions like, “What was the best part of your day?”
These strategies will help parents embrace their roles with intention, fostering trust, love, and growth in their children’s lives. Being a purposeful parent means being mindful, consistent, and engaged—not perfect, just present.
“Your presence around your child gives them comfort and reassurance.”
Practical tips for parents to help their children develop executive function skills
Are you struggling to boost your child's executive function skills at home? In this blog, Gail Smith shares simple yet practical tips to help improve their school performance with easy, everyday activities that can all operate from the home environment.
We are always keen to help our children improve their learning capacity at school. There are some practical and useful ways we can support them in this area. Many of the things you currently do may be also useful in supporting your child’s learning. Consider the ideas below that can all operate from the home environment. Perhaps you are currently using these techniques as part of your routine?
Create Daily Routines and Visual Schedules
Why: Routines build predictability, helping children develop organisation and time management skills.
How: Work with your child to create a visual schedule for school days, including tasks like homework, chores, and downtime. Use calendars, to-do lists, or apps that show progress, such as a checklist where they can cross off completed tasks.
Encourage Breaks and Time Management.
Why: Children learn to manage their focus and energy better when they alternate between work and rest. We all need to learn the balance.
How: Teach them to study for 25-minute blocks followed by 5-minute breaks (Pomodoro technique). Use timers to keep track, making it easier to stay focused and avoid burnout.
Use Games and Activities to Strengthen Working Memory
Why: Strong working memory helps children hold and use information for tasks like following instructions and solving problems.
How: Play memory-boosting games such as card-matching games, Simon Says, or apps designed to challenge working memory (e.g., puzzles or brain-training games).
Model and Teach Self-Regulation Strategies
Why: Self-regulation helps children manage emotions and impulses, crucial for staying on task and following through on assignments.
How: Practice mindfulness techniques together, such as deep breathing or counting to ten. Encourage them to pause before reacting impulsively to frustration or distractions.
Promote Independence Through Goal Setting and Reflection
Why: Setting goals fosters accountability and helps children develop problem-solving skills.
How: Start with small, achievable goals (e.g., “Complete maths homework by 5 PM”). Afterwards, discuss what worked and what could improve. This reflection builds self-awareness and teaches them to adjust their strategies over time.
These tips provide hands-on ways for parents to nurture their child’s executive function skills, making academic tasks easier and improving school performance. You will enjoy being actively involved with them and demonstrating how you also value ways to improve your ongoing learning.
“The wider the range of possibilities we offer children, the more intense will be their motivations and the richer their experiences.”
Parents can teach their children to make wiser choices.
As parents, you can teach your children to make wiser decisions. Follow these steps to guide them in learning how to pause, think, and consider the consequences of their actions, which will lead to wiser decision-making over time.
As your child matures they begin to develop reasoning and start to reflect on a deeper understanding of what life and decisions are all about. As a parent you can encourage behaviour that will lead to your child valuing wiser decisions.
Consider the following:
Encourage Thinking Ahead
Parent: “Before you make a decision, try to think about what might happen next. For example, if you choose to stay up late playing games, you might be too tired for school the next day. What do you think is the best choice?”
Lesson: Helps children develop foresight by considering the consequences of their actions.
Ask Questions, Don’t Just Give Answers
Parent: “What do you think will happen if you share your toy? How would you feel if someone did the same for you?”
Lesson: Teaches them to evaluate situations from different perspectives rather than just reacting impulsively.
Teach the Power of Pausing
Parent: “When you feel unsure or upset, it’s okay to pause for a moment before making a choice. Taking a deep breath can help you think more clearly.”
Lesson: Encourages emotional regulation and thoughtful decision-making, rather than acting on impulse.
Model Wise Decision-Making
Parent: “I was going to buy this thing, but then I realized we don’t really need it right now. I’ll wait until we save more money, and if we still want it then, I’ll get it.”
Lesson: Children learn from observing how their parents weigh options and make responsible choices.
Give Them Controlled Choices
Parent: “You can choose to do your homework now and have free time later, or you can play now and have less time for fun later. What do you think is the better choice?”
Lesson: Provides practice with decision-making and lets them experience the outcomes of their choices in a safe, controlled environment.
Discuss Past Decisions
Parent: “Remember when you didn’t wear a jacket last time and got cold? How will you choose differently today when it’s chilly?”
Lesson: Reflecting on past decisions helps children connect past experiences to better future choices.
Teach Problem-Solving Steps
Parent: “When you have to make a choice, try to follow these steps: 1) Identify the problem, 2) Think of possible solutions, 3) Consider what might happen with each solution, and 4) Make your choice.”
Lesson: Provides a framework for making informed decisions and builds confidence in their ability to think through problems.
Explain the Impact of Peer Pressure
Parent: “Sometimes friends might ask you to do something that doesn’t feel right. It’s okay to say no if you think it’s not a good choice for you.”
Lesson: Helps them understand the importance of staying true to their own values and making independent choices, even under pressure.
These examples help guide children in learning to pause, think, and consider the consequences of their actions, leading to wiser decision-making over time.
Teaching wisdom from an early age will lead your child to make and want decisions based on clear thinking and planned decision making. This will help them cope better with the rigours of adolescence, peer group pressure etc.
“Be a wise parent and teach your child the value of making wise decisions.”
Teaching children about the value of making good choices
It’s important to encourage our children to recognize the difference and to understand that their choices can shape their lives in profound ways. Who they become is a reflection of the decisions they make. Gail Smith emphasizes the importance of empowering children to make their own choices, highlighting the positive impact it can have on their growth and development.
We can all choose to make choices that can either hinder or enlighten our lives. For example you can choose to have a go or you can choose to not have a go. We should encourage our children to learn the difference and to understand that when we make those choices they can affect our life in different ways.
Who we are is a result of the choices we make.
Consider the following ideas about the impact on a child when they make their own choices:
Promotes Responsibility: When children learn that their choices have consequences, they develop a sense of accountability. They understand that choosing to work hard or make responsible decisions directly impacts their success and happiness.
Builds Self-Confidence: Allowing children to make choices reinforces their belief in their own abilities. Whether they succeed or fail, knowing that they had the power to choose builds confidence in their decision-making skills.
Fosters Independence: By making their own decisions, children learn to rely on themselves instead of always seeking approval or guidance from others. This fosters independence and helps them navigate life with more confidence.
Develops Critical Thinking: When children are taught to weigh the pros and cons of their choices, they develop critical thinking skills. They learn how to assess situations, predict outcomes, and make thoughtful decisions rather than impulsive ones.
Supports Emotional Growth: Understanding that they have control over their actions and thoughts (e.g. choosing to think positively) helps children manage their emotions. They learn that their choices can influence how they feel and respond to situations, which is key to emotional resilience.
These lessons empower children to shape their lives with intention and self-awareness. Don’t forget to affirm them when you see positive outcomes from choices they make themselves.
“The more a child experiences positive outcomes from making good choices, the more insight they develop about themselves.”
Six reasons why giving your child quality time works
The time you spend with your child is invaluable and leaves a lasting impact on their sense of being loved and secure. As they grow into teenagers and become more independent, those shared moments become even more precious. Gail Smith shares six surprising benefits of dedicating time to your child in this insightful blog post.
The time you give to your child is valuable and has a lasting effect on their feelings of being loved and feeling secure.
Here are six surprising outcomes when you give of your time to your child:
Your effort:
Promotes Creativity: Engaging in imaginative play with parents stimulates children's creative thinking and problem-solving skills.
Reduces Stress: Shared activities and positive interactions can lower stress levels in children, leading to better overall mental health.
Teaches Conflict Resolution: Quality time allows parents to model healthy ways to handle
disagreements, helping children develop strong conflict resolution skills.
Enhances Cultural Awareness: Parents can introduce children to diverse cultures and traditions, broadening their understanding of the world.
Improves Physical Health: Active play and shared physical activities encourage healthy habits and improve physical fitness.
Fosters Independence: By spending time together, parents can teach essential life skills, empowering children to become more self-reliant and confident in their abilities.
Giving quality time to your child is all about sharing more of your life with them. There will come a time when they disappear out of sight and we struggle to bring them into our presence. This is of course the teenage years. Therefore value those moments you share together. It is rewarded a hundred fold.
“Shared time with your child builds strong mental health in all the family”
Building confidence in your child
Based on her experience as a school principal, Gail Smith noticed something cool: kids who got to be independent seemed way happier and more confident. Check out why letting your child take their own steps is a smart move in parenting!
From the moment a child is born there will be small signs of seeking independence. Perhaps ever so subtle but none the less there is a definite presence of wanting to be independent. As parents our role is to be the nurturer and provide safety and security for our child. For a parent, letting go of your responsibility can be difficult. Research tells us, that as a child reaches out for more independence, we demonstrate better parenting, if we gently walk with them as they take steps to strengthen their personal growth. There are many reasons why being alongside your child as they take independent steps is a mature way of parenting. Consider:
Developing independence empowers children to believe in themselves and their abilities. As they accomplish tasks on their own, they gain confidence in their skills and decision-making capabilities. There is nothing like feeling successful when taking a new independent step.
Independence fosters problem-solving skills. When children face challenges independently, they learn to think critically, adapt to new situations, and find creative solutions. They understand that they must rely on themselves and this does not frighten them.
Learning to be independent instils a sense of responsibility in children. They understand the consequences of their actions and take ownership of tasks, fostering accountability and self-reliance. They will try different solutions to problems and not be intimidated by an occasional failure.
Independence allows children to make decisions and choices on their own. Through these experiences, they learn to weigh options, consider consequences, and develop sound decision-making abilities. There is nothing more liberating than making your own decisions.
Independence encourages self-reliance. Children become more resourceful and resilient as they learn to depend on themselves to accomplish tasks and overcome obstacles. They will ask questions but not expect to be given the answer.
Developing independence prepares children for adulthood. By learning essential life skills and becoming self-sufficient, they gain the confidence and competence to thrive in the responsibilities of adulthood. Little by little they step into an adult world, well prepared with less surprises.
Independence contributes to building healthy relationships. Children who are independent are better able to communicate their needs, assert boundaries, and engage in mutually respectful interactions with others. This is all about developing emotional maturity.
Independence fosters a spirit of exploration and creativity. When children have the freedom to pursue their interests and ideas independently, they are more likely to discover new passions and talents. They become better risk takers and enjoy the challenge.
Developing independence helps children form their own identity. As they make choices and pursue interests that align with their values and preferences, they gain a clearer sense of who they are and what they stand for. A child with such confidence will attract like minded children. This makes for forming healthy relationships.
In my experience as school principal, it was always the case that children who were given opportunities to demonstrate independence appeared happy and self assured. They engaged with all sorts of peers and were comfortable in many settings.
“Building independence in your child is all about sound parenting.”
The value of building independence in our children
Start giving your child a sense of control. Build independence in them so they grow stronger. Discover with Gail Smith why encouraging your child's independence is a hallmark of good parenting.
Doing things for our children is a natural part of our role as parents. We do know however that the more we encourage independence in our children, the faster they learn and the more confidence they gain in themselves. Sometimes giving more independence can be scary as they may take risks, venture into the unknown without you and discover new horizons on their own.
Be that as it may, you want your child to be slowly and steadily finding their own way, forging their own direction. Consider the following reasons why encouraging independence with your child is a sign of good parenting.
Teaching Independence builds Confidence and Self-Esteem: Teaching independence allows children to accomplish tasks on their own, fostering a sense of achievement. As they successfully navigate challenges independently, their confidence and self-esteem naturally grow, laying a strong foundation for a positive self-image. The more confident a child becomes, the quicker they learn.
Being independent promotes Problem-Solving Skills: Encouraging independence requires children to think critically and problem-solve. When they face challenges without immediate assistance, they learn to analyze situations, make decisions, and find solutions, honing valuable problem-solving skills that will benefit them throughout life. They learn to make mistakes and move on quickly.
Independence fosters Responsibility and Accountability: Independence goes hand-in-hand with responsibility. When children are entrusted with age-appropriate tasks and responsibilities, they learn to take ownership of their actions. This sense of accountability contributes to the development of a responsible and conscientious mindset. From an early age you can teach your child to be responsible whether its sorting toys, cleaning rooms or managing money, it all counts.
Independence encourages Initiative and Creativity: Independent children are more likely to take initiative and explore their interests. By allowing them the freedom to pursue activities on their own, you nurture a spirit of curiosity and creativity. This independence encourages them to discover their passions and express their unique selves without interference.
Independence prepares for Future Challenges: Teaching independence equips children with essential life skills necessary for adulthood. From basic self-care tasks to decision-making and time management, independent children are better prepared to face the challenges of adolescence and adulthood. This preparation instils resilience and adaptability, essential qualities for navigating the complexities of life. The world they grow into is far different from their parent’s world and will require a new set of skills in certain areas.
Just as a child grows and changes, so too should our parenting. We need to evolve as a parent and recognize that our child will gradually seek independence. We demonstrate understanding by supporting their independence and respecting their choices and we are happy to work with them as we gradually remove ourselves, as dependency on us decreases.
“Start giving your child a sense of control. Build independence in them so they grow stronger.”
Be excited for your child as they attend school each day
A school’s environment will have much to offer your child. This blog discusses the positive benefits you can expect from the school.
Imagine educating your child on your own! There is so much excitement and anticipation when your child starts school as they will be exposed to myriads of opportunities and challenges. You will journey through the school experience and together with your child enjoy the long and winding process together. You are in partnership with the school which sees you as a critical educator and contributor to your child’s education.
A school’s environment will have much to offer your child. Below are some very realistic outcomes that you can expect from the school.
Social Development: School is a place where children interact with peers and learn valuable social skills like sharing, cooperation, and making friends. Parents can be happy about their child's chance to develop important social relationships. Their ability to make friends, keep them and practice the art of good communication comes from the school setting. Such an environment enlivens your child’s emotional and social growth. They learn a lot about self-esteem by studying their peers.
Independence and Responsibility: School teaches children to become more independent and responsible for their actions. Parents can look forward to seeing their child grow in maturity and self-sufficiency as they take on new responsibilities. A school will support the work you do in teaching your child all about being responsible. Teachers work hard to encourage independence in learning and set expectations and goals for your child.
Broadening Horizons: School exposes children to a wide range of subjects, ideas, and experiences that they may not encounter at home. Parents can be excited about the opportunity for their child to explore different interests and broaden their horizons. You cannot do everything. A school presents topics that can be discussed openly and challenges your child to think differently. The setting of a school sets the scene for healthy, vibrant conversation. It encourages your child to think differently.
Emotional and Cognitive Development: School not only focuses on academic learning but also on emotional and cognitive development. Parents can be happy knowing that their child will receive guidance and support in developing important life skills and emotional intelligence. As your child grows, the school will set social and emotional expectations to match their age and learning. It will challenge your child in different ways to enrich their emotional intelligence.
Future Opportunities: A good education lays the foundation for future opportunities and success. Parents can feel excited about the doors that may open for their child as they progress through their educational journey. Who knows what your child will do and become after they leave school? The excitement is to watch how school broadens their thinking and expectations. You are not alone in preparing them for life.
In summary, school offers children a host of benefits, from educational and social growth to independence and future opportunities, which can make parents excited and happy about their child's educational journey. So be happy when you send them off to school. Understand that school will be a setting to parallel all the good work that you do through parenting.
“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.’’Einstein.
Can we control everything?
This article discusses controlling a little less and supporting a little more of your child’s sense of personal freedom.
At this stage of the year, there are plans to be made and decisions settled on for the year, especially regarding school. The question I pose is, is it necessary to be in control of everything?
There is always a small control freak in all of us. If not fragrantly displayed, it’s hidden somewhere in the deep recesses of our mind which, on occasion, makes its appearance. The more we know and the more we control, the safer we often feel.
Your children are taking on a new leaf at school this year. They are going up a notch and teachers will expect them to take on more responsibility. Perhaps this is a time to let loose a little and not be so preoccupied with everything that happens around your child. They may start telling you a little less about their day. That’s OK!
Here are some sound reasons for controlling a little less and supporting a little more of your child’s sense of personal freedom:
You certainly control your opinions but not always the external events that happen around your child. They are independent of you.
Developing an honest understanding of what is really within our control makes for realistic thinking and reduces worry.
The challenges put ahead of your child at school are their challenges and should, to a large degree, be managed by them. Of course, when issues are out of control, parental support may be necessary.
The more we let them develop independent thought and self-manage their plans the more they slowly and steadily grow stronger. The cocoon is dying and the butterfly will arise with strength and beauty after its struggle to come through that dark cocoon.
The research is clear. If a child takes ownership of their own life, they learn faster and develop independent thinking earlier and display more creative thought. They become less vulnerable to risk, are more resilient and feel happier in themselves. This builds healthy mental habits.
If we take too much control, a child will no longer own the problem and pass it over to you. It becomes your problem. Time and time again I have seen this at school when a parent wants to solve their child’s problems.
When you listen to your child talking about an issue, listen with interest and sincerity, but first, see it as their problem where you have some clear expectation that they will try to solve it. ‘I am sad to hear that Mark was mean to you at school. I am wondering how you will deal with that?’
With each new year at school comes differing challenges. Reflect on how your child is choosing to manage them and quietly step back where possible.
Think about your role as a parent. Do you have all the answers to your child’s needs? It is another generation with shifting expectations. You are there to listen and support, perhaps consult, but it is their world to own. It is their world to solve. Slightly different in expectations from yours.
School holidays are over, but that does not mean that we take some of that relaxed summer feel into our new year plan. No need to suddenly over control or feel that without good management, everything will fall apart. The chaos theory is all about the fact that out of disorder comes order. So the challenge is to let loose a little more. Can the children pack their own lunches, be responsible for school notes etc? Try to find new areas in which it is all about your child taking a little more control over themselves.
From my observations at school, I always found that when parents reduced their worry and felt less accountable for their children, they relaxed and often enjoyed the experiences of their children more fully. They enjoyed the little things and would often find pleasure in just the ordinary experiences of the day. It was like a cloud was lifted. Let loose a little and see the joy in the simple day-to-day experiences with your child.
‘I learnt that when you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.’
-QuotesGram
Learning about being responsible
Responsibility is a part of our makeup and challenges us throughout life. Here are some parenting tips to positively introduce responsibility to your child.
As an adult, we understand why responsibility is such an important part of our makeup. Without it, as an adult, we cannot survive. We learn also over time that different responsibilities come our way and this challenges us in new and sometimes difficult ways. I always remember bringing our first child home from the hospital and thinking, how can I look after this little individual? I don’t have the skills. Fortunately, she survived and I learnt quickly. This is how developing new and challenging responsibilities comes our way.
For a child, it is all about learning that responsibilities are actually important and that this may mean some sacrifice, compromise, etc. It is about learning that responsibilities must be understood and followed through with and there is often regularity to responsibilities. All of these learned traits take a while for children to grasp. I am sure you have had some issues with getting your child to take on and keep up with responsibilities. It just takes time and perseverance.
Teachers will automatically assign responsibilities to their class so that the classroom functions well. They can be rotating duties or they can have a responsibility for the whole year. These responsibilities work well because the child learns that they are accountable to others for their actions.
Here are some thoughts on helping your child learn responsibility.
Firstly, take care that if you give your child a job, they follow it through. Don’t finish the job for them as this teaches them that responsibilities are not genuine. Show them that it is a satisfying thing to finish a job yourself.
A child having a pet is a great responsibility and one that cannot be part-time. If you take this on, make sure your child is mature enough to take on this responsibility.
Talk about all your responsibilities and how you work through them during the week. Maybe there are some that are short term and others, long term, (like being a parent).
Before your child takes on a responsibility make sure they understand its length and breadth. Often younger children do not have a sense of time and become overwhelmed or disengage earlier. The responsibility should be age appropriate and should have the satisfaction of completion.
Take care when a child shows an interest in a sport such as tennis lessons, gymnastics etc. can they see the term through, finishing halfway is not honouring the responsibility to the program.
Always affirm your child when they complete their responsibilities. They need to know that it is a job well done and has impact on others in the family.
As a family, plan weekly chores and at the end of the week thank your child for their completion. Jobs such as setting the table, putting bins out, putting toys away etc. are all responsibilities that need attention.
Teaching your child that they own the responsibility is important. They need to know that others rely on their actions and without the job done others are affected. This is why it is important that they complete the task even if it means some inconvenience on your part.
If a child is irresponsible, try not to be simply angry and disappointed. Sit them down and listen to why they could not complete the task. Give them the opportunity to explain. Perhaps it was too much, perhaps they did not realise its importance etc.
Finally, build into your teaching about the responsibility that if they fail the child learns to blame no one else but comes to accept responsibility themselves. This is quite a mature concept but one to work towards. This is all about building strong foundations in emotional intelligence.
“It is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves. That will make them successful individuals.’
-Ann Landers
The responsibility and the independence
When our children are born, their dependency nee survival totally depends on ourselves, unlike many animal varieties that can within a short time, walk away from their parents and survive the wilds independently. Our species needs more time to be fed, nurtured and given some help to be upright and walking. At this point we have an incredible amount of power and responsibility for our children. No question about it, those early years are focussed on full support, care and safe direction for our family. Then suddenly things change. Once our children feel more personally in control, even if it is just a little, they seek out some independence. It is as though they are the butterfly edging their way out of the cocoon to find their independence and fly away. Gradually they grow stronger as they break free from their encased cocoon. The struggle they go through makes them stronger in their final exit from that encasement.
This is natural and normal. What the challenge is for parents is to help them slowly and gently discover their independence. Of course, there will be some struggle, possibly failure and endurance in this process. This can be challenging for some parents who struggle to let go and frightened to let their child make a mistake. What can then happen is a power struggle. Once power struggles creep into your life with your child, it can be a difficult journey to maneuver. If your plan is to win all the time, consider it a failure.
Here it is about working with your changing child, accepting that change will occur over time and choosing to be part of the process in a proactive way.
The following thoughts may help you prepare for that change.
Reflect that your power is all about responsibility which gradually reduces as the child takes on more accountability for their own life.
Gradually giving your child opportunities to be independent is the best way to lead them into feeling confident about their own capabilities. Such opportunities should start as early as you see evidence that they are seeking to do things on their own.
Letting go can be hard especially when the child asks for independence in areas that can be challenging. Often parents find teenage time the most difficult. Children want and demand to be given more freedom and yet you see danger ahead that they cannot manage or foresee. Therefore, you feel anxious as after all you have responsibilities to that adolescent.
When you let go and give them liberties affirm them when they have demonstrated to you that they can manage themselves well.
‘Well done. You walked to the shop on your own and followed all the road rules. This makes me feel that you know what to do.’
As the child seeks more and more independence, that may mean some negotiation on your part. Resentment can build if you simply dismiss their requests without discussion and without listening to their request.
Unsettled teenagers can be very determined in meeting their needs away from their parent’s eyes. We do not want that form of independence to develop. We want them to come to their parents, knowing that they will be heard and possibly some negotiation may occur.
Parents often feel a sense of grief when they see their child reaching out for independence. Look at it differently. Your child is growing and just as they learn to walk, they now need to grow in more social and intellectual areas. Your guidance and support through that time will give them the confidence that you trust them. You should begin to see parenting as a responsibility that is helping your child become an independent young adult. Put another way, it is irresponsible not to support their developing independence.
Every child is different but it is true to say that the first child generally has a harder road to walk in becoming independent. As parents, we are constantly learning how to manage their demands for independence. Consider this when relating to your firstborn.
Finally, by encouraging independence you are doing your child a great service. Building resilience and self-esteem strengthens a child’s feeling of confidence in managing themselves. No surprise that the children that developed independence early at school were fast learners, who took risks, challenged themselves and were not afraid of failure.
The great responsibility you have as a parent is to nurture independence and be a guide setting directions for your child, giving them the joy of personal exploration leading to self-management.
‘The greatest gift you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.’
-Denis Waitley
Letting your child try new experiences.
Are we adventurous parents? Do we like trying new ideas and stretching our own imagination when it comes to changing directions, stepping outside our comfort zones.
This is worth a thought before we discuss this article which is all about allowing your child to step outside their own comfort zones and try new experiences.
As parents, we are quite conservative and we work to ensure that our child is safe and secure. We also tailor many of the activities to suit our child. Responsible parents put things in place to ensure that their child is given every opportunity to grow and prosper as a healthy child.
Sometimes we forget that allowing our child to try new things is also important for their growth. The more they demonstrate initiative and we affirm them, the greater the chance that they will develop into risk-takers who look for alternative ways to be and to do things.
Teaching our children that experimenting with new ideas and concepts can come from our own modelling.
For example, you may have a routine way of getting home in the car. Perhaps you change that route to test out a quicker way.
As parents we act responsibly and carefully managing our children. Sometimes stepping out of the mould can be a great driver for children to see the value of difference.
Are you adventurous in cooking and try new recipes? Do you occasionally listen to more modern music to get a feel for difference? Whatever you try on for size, talk to your child about how you enjoy trialling and experimenting with new ideas.
Once you notice that your child is interested in trying a new food, reading different genre in books, a new look in clothes etc. affirm these efforts. Let them know that trying new experiences will lead to a positive change in thinking.
“Well done. You tasted kiwi fruit this weekend. What do you think?”
In the classroom despite fairly rigid routine in the day, teachers will from time to time show spontaneity and suggest that everyone experiments with a new concept. For example, one creative teacher I knew would occasionally ask the children to write with their other hand for an hour. She would also ask them to play ball using the other hand. Here she was trying to take them out of their comfort zones and challenge the brain to think differently. Trying on new concepts, ideas or even attitudes to life is exercising the brain in a different way. The more comfortable ad familiar we are with what we do, the less we exercise creative thinking.
The other important learning aspect of trying on new ideas etc. is that the child starts to evaluate at a deeper level. They question, reflect and rethink their understandings gaining more confidence in their decisions. Sometimes trying on new things sends them rushing back to what they know. This is fine. The mere fact that they are prepared to explore new options puts them on a more intellectual plane and helps them improve judgements.
Consider the following thoughts.
Trying something new can only lead to change or more of the same. It is the exploration that is important.
Trying on new values can be challenging for all the family but children will come across different values all their life. Allowing them to explore different values within reason is very positive parenting.
Always affirm the fact that they value difference and enjoy exploring it.
Look for opportunities to put forward giving them a chance to try something new.
Talk about people you value that enjoy trialling new ideas.
Encourage your child to be creative as this will stimulate desires to see and value difference.
Trust in the process of trying on new things. It can only lead to new thinking.
Take care that if you suggest a child trying on something new be careful not to criticise if you are not happy with their response.
Finally, as parents we act responsibly and carefully managing our children. Sometimes stepping out of the mould can be a great driver for children to see the value of difference.
“Never be afraid to try something new, because life gets boring when you stay within the limits”
HPLYRIKZ.COM
Little by little let them grow freer and more independent
This can be difficult to know when and how to allow more independence in your child. Firstly, let’s acknowledge that from the minute they are born, we are working towards making them independent from you, the parent! Some parents come to this realisation earlier than others. I would say the earlier we recognise how we are helping our children by supporting independent steps, the better and easier it becomes to incrementally allow independent steps. Just think about when your child learnt to walk. You were there and shared in the joy. This was their attempt to stand up independently and walk. As they get older it becomes a little more difficult to give them independence when it involves risk.
This article suggests that we keep in our mind that inviting our children to take small steps to independence, becomes a way of life for you, the parent and the child. Once we establish in our minds that the more they work towards being independent, the greater capabilities they develop intellectually, socially, emotionally and physically. This means a reduction of control for us, but in another way, you are teaching your child how to be a capable independent soul.
You may say that this creates worry for you, the parent. I would argue that there is constant worry when we try to be in control of everything. In fact, we become quite anxious when we lose control, which will naturally happen as time passes. We cannot be in the presence of our children exerting control all the time. Also we should not aim to attend to every detail to ensure we are managing the situation just the way we like it.
Gradual injecting of independence into your child is all about building a strong confident young individual who likes themselves enough to take up opportunities, show creativity and live ultimately with emotional stamina.
Teachers give children small, incremental opportunities to show independence. This can happen through work demands or social demands. They are cautious with parents to ensure that when a child shows initiative of a new nature, let us say a little riskier, they will tell the parent in positive tones. Teachers will also recognise very quickly in their classroom those children who come from a home where the child is expected to take on roles and to show independence in family activities.
By giving your child incremental bouts of being independent, you are saying to your child that you trust them. Total control demonstrates having no faith in the child’s abilities.
Consider in this formula of gradually letting your child grow into independence, you are expecting them from time to time to take a dive. This is natural and this is where your talents and skills come into the story. You are there to listen and recommend options and dust them down when they are feeling bruised and sore from their fall. Afterall every childhood has its ups and downs.
You are there to also affirm their efforts and talk about how they showed initiative in “having a go” on their own. How helpful and useful a role you now take on. A much more effective position as a parent than trying to solve everything for them. The child here does no independent thinking and takes no ownership of problems. In fact, they don’t see problems as they are taken from them.
Here are a few quick tips on becoming a more relaxed parent and drip feeding your child with independent strategies.
Notice first your child’s strengths. These are good starters for giving some more independence to your child.
“I can see how well you fold clothes. Could you fold those clothes on the bench for me? Thanks.”
“I like the way you manage money. Could you pay the cashier with this money? Thankyou.”
Gradually take stock of areas in which your child is less secure and begin some support for building their confidence in acting independently.
“Rather than me explain to the teacher why you were away today I would like you to tell her when we go to school tomorrow.” This is all about helping a shy child articulate themselves to the teacher.
When your child has genuinely “had a go” and continues to be unsuccessful, sit down together and write down optional ways to “have a go.” At no point do you take over the problem.
As a family, talk about family activities or routines where jobs can be shared. Together discuss how they went for everybody. Were the jobs a good distribution for all family members?
Were some jobs too much? Do we need to redefine the jobs? Are there more difficult jobs now to share?
In working with children who may be dealing with some issues it was important to listen to their attempts in solving the problem. Without that component to the discussion there was no joint discussion. It would be just instructional and who listen to just instructions messages?
Gradual injecting of independence into your child is all about building a strong confident young individual who likes themselves enough to take up opportunities, show creativity and live ultimately with emotional stamina.
“Children learn to manage, control and even overcome their fears by taking risks.”
Having a healthy attachment to your child
From the moment of conception we are working toward bonding with our child. As a parent and grandparent, attachment continues all your life with your close family and intimate friends. Of course it goes through various changes as relationships mature and change. This article is to remind us that attachment with our child is all about beginning the preparation to let them go. We attach and bond to begin their journey leading to the ultimate development of their own person. This is sometimes hard for parents to understand. There is a myth that a good parent is present and active in the life of their child always. This is not the case!
Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that you trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence.
Bonding with your child should at all times be healthy for both you and the child. Once a child is at school, it is very evident to teachers that the child is formally beginning their journey to independence. They are warmly and securely attached to their parents who start the process of little by little, giving them independence. This is all about walking with the child and not carrying them, especially when the road gets a little rough. It is about being around and available and listening to their cries, but not solving their fears and resolving their issues.
Healthy attachment is when the child knows that they can rely on your deep presence, but that you allow them to make mistakes. You are there to console and discuss, but give them the credibility to work on solutions. Attachment is about changing the way you work with your growing child. As they demand more independence, you gently nudge them into having a go, taking on risk and you are there to console and celebrate the success and failures. You are there to hear the sadness, empathetically understand the disappointment and encourage them to keep on with their endeavours.
A parent well attached to their child, knows instinctively when to back off, come in for extra support and to have stronger presence when needed. It is also about attaching in an emotionally mature way, knowing when and how, to step in and out of situations in which the child finds themselves.
Here are some tips on being the parent that attaches to their child enabling them to free themselves from the heavy cocoon where we then see the beautiful butterfly emerge . You are the branch on which such a cocoon rests. Here it gains nourishment along its journey to new life.
Remember that physical contact such as regular cuddles, affirming words at bedtime are healthy to remind the child that you love them.
Read the signs with your child. If they are becoming unsettled. Are there things you can put in place to help them resolve it? Being proactive is important.
Have you set up home to have quiet times together. This helps to remind them of how strongly you care about them.
You can always affirm from a distance . This means that if you here of good things happening at school talk about them. Perhaps you do not need to be present on all occasions. It is good to know that you care from a distance as well.
Unhealthy attachment is when a parent smothers the child and demands a strong presence in most aspects of their life. This can take on quite a bit of control. Show your child that you do not need to have a presence on all occasions as you trust their capabilities. You simply let them know that you look forward to hearing all about their exploits.
When parents display unhealthy attachments, the child often gives up seeking independence and thinking for themselves. Remind your child that you love hearing stories of how they showed independence. This encourages the child to act independently.
Check in with yourself occasionally to make sure you have the balance right. Sometimes the busy weeks can be all about control and management. Have you recently given your child some scope in that busy week to express themself?
There is nothing more liberating for a growing child as when their parents give them time with friends alone, or walk to school etc. Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that your trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence. You show excitement when you see them take such steps. This is all about maintaining healthy attachment, sharing in the voyage to independence and celebrating the shifting dynamics in your maturing relationship.
“The way we treat our children directly impacts on what they believe about themselves.”
Do we accept what parenting brings us?
Do we all want perfect children? I am not quite sure what that is “perfect”. In fact I would question any parent who says that their life as a parent is perfect and their children give them a perfect ride.
Life isn’t like that and the child will naturally want to grow and develop in ways that at times causes us some tension and stretches our imagination. Children are growing up in a different world to their parents and are being exposed to many and varied differences, not the least of which is technology driven.
Accept what parenting brings. It will take you on an amazing voyage where you will discover in yourself different and unexpected ways to grow. Imagine that! You too will grow with your child.
As a young parent we have expectations that we will be the best parent we can possibly be. I would say to this that you probably are but the unknown is how the child grows and how they manage their challenges in their world. How will they challenge us? How do we meet those challenges head on, or gradually work with them in consultative ways? These are the big questions.
In working with families, it was not uncommon to hear parents talk about the unacceptable challenges that were put in front of them. They had no expectations that parenting would challenge their values, their thinking, put them in uncomfortable positions and more importantly force them to operate in ways that they thought impossible. They were feeling uncomfortable.
Their whole world could be turned on its head by children’s behaviour and attitudes to life. Parents can also look around and find that parenting for others seems easier.
Here I say what a wonderful challenge for you, the parent, to be given the opportunity to think differently and to work closely with your child through their shifting world. Parenting should change and adapt to the growing needs of the child. It is not static and will demand the parent reflect on their values and ideas and at least consider different ways of looking at life.
Teachers can see from time to time the fatigue of parents in trying to understand their child’s behaviour or school performance. It was not uncommon as Principal to support teachers in their supporting of parents struggling with their child’s lack of achievements.
The question I pose here is, whether as a parent we become unhappy when the child’s behaviour is not what we expect. Are we expecting standards that suit us? Are we wanting them to operate like us?
Here are some thoughts on how to accept that parenting will surprise us and ultimately delight us.
Take care to enjoy the differences you notice in your child. Often, we look for the similarities in our children and reward them. I was good at Maths and so I expect you to be as well.
Be prepared to be surprised. This should be a regular feeling. Enjoy the moment and comment on the surprise.
“Wow. I am so impressed that you choose such different colours to wear out.”
Talk about how you love the differences that you notice in your child. This gives the child a feeling that they can express themselves comfortably around you.
As a family, talk about how everyone is different and how those differences make a wonderful family tapestry, rich in difference and woven with unique story and experiences.
If there are behaviours etc., that you do not like and have reason to talk about them, do it in such a way that you are not stifling their right to see things differently.
“I would like to talk about those clothes you are choosing to wear to the beach. I have some concerns about their suitability. Perhaps let’s start by telling me why you think they are suitable.”
Here you are not condemning their ideas in fact you are demonstrating an interest in listening to their reasoning. Even if after negotiation the child will need to change their clothes, affirm the fact that they are developing their own style and this is a good thing. Include at least one aspect of their dress choice to show you value their opinion. Perhaps you could go shopping to learn more about what they like.
If the child realises that you value their opinions, they are less likely to be reactive to your opinions and values.
If parenting seems to bring less stress to other families from your observations, do not make comparisons especially verbally to your child. Your journey is unique to you and the child. Sometimes parents feel that they are burdened with more difficult children. Every family has their challenges.
Children will also compare if you are very visible and verbal about your burdened parenting. In working with children, I have heard them wish to be in another family so they can be like them. Be proud of the uniqueness of your own family.
Accept what parenting brings. It will take you on an amazing voyage where you will discover in yourself different and unexpected ways to grow. Imagine that! You too will grow with your child.
“There are two things a parent should give a child.
One is roots, the other is wings.”
The importance of keeping attachment strong.
Attachment of the parent and child starts well before birth. The desire to attach, be comforted and feel secure, is such a precious and necessary part of our development. Young parents work hard to ensure that bonding happens early with the infant. As the child grows and reaches out for independence, the need to be strongly attached is still ever-present but it takes on different forms.
When the child starts school there is certainly giant leaps in the desire to develop independence, but be aware that they still want their attachment with their parents, strong and consistent. As they reach out for independence, consider the following important facts which contribute to healthy bonding.
As the child grows and reaches out for independence, the need to be strongly attached is still ever-present but it takes on different forms.
From time to time, simply repeat how much you love them. Perhaps you merely love all the precious things they do. The message is simply that you are bonded to them through unconditional love.
When they reach for more independence, just reassure them that you are always available.
“It sounds like you really want to walk home independently. Just remember I am around if you need me.”
If this is the case, talk to your child about how you always felt that your parents were there. Discuss how this made you feel.
Talk to your child about what makes them feel happy. Do they trust that you are always present for them even in difficult times? This is worthy of discussion.
As a family are you openly affectionate? Being affectionate with cuddles and sitting together closely is an important part of feeling bonded. This can happen with children of all ages. There is not a time of growing out of this habit. Although as a teenager they may give you some grief about being affectionate around peers. This is natural!
Write occasional notes to them about how much you love them. Put these notes in their lunchbox or bedroom. These are just little surprises. They are reassuring reminders.
Talk positively about your child in front of others. Let them hear what you publicly feel about them.
If you were fortunate enough to have loving parents yourself, talk about how you felt attached to your parents. What special gifts did they have which brought you together?
Spend time with your child at bedtime. Talk about the special things that make you feel close to your child. Be quite specific.
Do practical, happy activities together such as singing, dancing, camping and doing interdependent activities such as cooking, cycling etc. All these ongoing activities remind the child that they are happily attached to their parents and sharing common grounds when it comes to enjoying life.
Throughout their growing years keeping attachment steady is all about reassuring the child that whatever the growth curves, you still love the child unconditionally.
When I became a Principal, I was disappointed that I had lost a strong contact with children as I was not actively involved in their teaching. From time to time, I would produce and direct school plays and I felt the closeness once again with students as we were bonded closely throughout the play, having a common purpose.
To keep your family attachment strong, you need to work on building the family story together and sharing in substantial parts of your lives across different periods.
“The propensity to makes strong bonds to particular individuals is a basic component of human nature. ”
Learn to be a coach, not an instructor to your child.
Coaches are there to guide and give advice gained from their well earnt experience and training over many years. They are valued because they are not forcing their opinions on you. They are merely giving you the wisdom of their knowledge. They are quite unemotional when it comes to giving advice, but they weigh up all the options in the light of all the information given to them and invite their client to consider the various proposals they make.
What is a significant benefit of coaching is the fact that a coach is an advisory body and leaves it to the client to decide if, how and when they will proceed with suggestions.
Do you allow your child to decide for themselves and learn from their decision?
Consider taking on the role of coach with your child. This will involve being less in control of decisions made for the child and more reflective on looking at options. A child will always value a parent who uses less power and includes the child when making decisions. Being a consultant takes practice on the part of the parent and can be a trial and error process. A parent can start with a child from an early age:
“I have been looking at all your toys. Some are dangerous when you walk on them and some are soft. These are the dangerous ones. It would mean less hurt on your feet if you packed these away first.”
Here you are stating what you know about the safety of the toys. You then point out which one is dangerous when walking around. You leave the decision to the child to move that toy first. Of course, sometimes you need to give more instruction, but just starting with little examples is an excellent way to become a coach to your child. You are giving sound advice and inviting them to consider the options.
In working with children at school, it was quite common practice to put the options on the table, discuss the pros and cons and then leave the decision to the child. This gives them more ownership of their decisions and they begin to recognise that using the information gained is beneficial to their outcomes. Once a child develops a taste for being a significant part of making their decisions, they usually act very reliably to ensure they take further ownership of decisions. This is all about developing their self awareness and no surprises, self confidence.
“I hear you want to walk home from school on your own. Let’s look at some factors that concern me and then we can discuss what’s possible”
Note here as consultant you are putting forward experienced reasons why this decision may not suit. Using this approach, the child is more likely to value your opinions and be less intolerant of the negative reasons you may present.
If you simply talk about all the negative reasons why the child cannot walk home, they are not included in the decision which to them may seem unjust and also too much use of power.
By putting forward your cases and debating all the reasons both positive and negative, the child feels included in the final decision.
Sometimes being a coach can involve simply putting forward your knowledge about a matter that is under discussion. For example, if a child talks about smoking, it is a chance to simply state your views on smoking backed by some facts. Such coaching can happen incidentally. It does not challenge any thing particularly it merely outlines your knowledge and beliefs about a matter under discussion.
Such subtle coaching is an excellent way to get your message across about a range of matters.
When working with children it was often a time for the child to set goals after deciding what they would want to work on. A helpful mechanism was to suggest that they set a goal with a timeline and a plan to check in afterwards. This came from coaching them in areas in which they wanted to improve.
“So it seems to me that you are planning to work on improving your writing. How about setting a time in which you would like to achieve that goal?”
Notice here that expectations are not placed on the child, rather the child sets the plan with your guidance. No pressure attached.
Coaching is about assisting a child to make decisions guided comfortably by your knowledge and experience. It is not intrusive. It allows the child to think for themselves but with responsible guidance.