Raise a Hopeful Child: The Power of a Proactive Parent
Tired of always reacting to meltdowns and lost lunchboxes? What if you could shape how your child sees the world instead? In this blog, we explore how small, proactive steps can build resilience and boost your child’s mental health.
As parents, we often find ourselves reacting to moods, meltdowns, lost lunchboxes, and unexpected worries. What if, instead of reacting, we became proactive in shaping the way our children see the world?
Taking a proactive stand isn’t just about routines and boundaries (though those matter). It’s about becoming a quiet architect of your child’s mindset, helping them build resilience, hope, and the ability to look for opportunity even in tough times.
Why Proactive Parenting Matters for Mental Health
Children’s mental health isn’t only about what goes wrong, anxiety, sadness, or stress but about what’s built up before those moments. A proactive approach gives your child tools to handle life before it overwhelms them. It's a map through the storm. A positive outlook in a parent is very catchy with their child.
1. Speak the Language of Possibility
Children are always listening. Every time we say, “That’s too hard,” they absorb that as truth. But if we say, “Let’s try,” or “We’ll figure it out,” we are teaching them to hope. Anything is possible is the motto.
Try this:
Instead of: “Maths is hard, isn’t it?”
Say: “This looks tricky, but let’s see what we can do.”
Over time, your child starts to think, “I can try,” rather than, “I’m stuck.”
2. Name Strengths, Not Just Struggles
It’s easy to focus on what children aren’t doing — not sitting still, not finishing homework, not listening. But if we call out what is working, we help them see themselves as capable.
Example:
“You really kept going, even when that puzzle was frustrating. That’s called perseverance. It’s a brilliant strength.” Naming the good makes it grow. Be an opportunist, spot the strengths.
3. Model Hope, Even in Small Things
If your child sees you problem-solve calmly, laugh at mistakes, and stay optimistic, they’re more likely to do the same. Be authentic when dealing with your child.
For instance:
When plans change unexpectedly, say:
“Well, that’s not what we thought would happen! Let’s make a Plan B.”
This shows them that life doesn’t have to go perfectly to go well.
4. Ask Empowering Questions
When your child is upset, don’t rush in with solutions. Instead, invite them to think.
• “What do you think we could try next?”
• “What helped last time?”
• “If your friend felt like this, what would you say to them?”
These questions grow problem-solving skills and emotional confidence.
What’s the Takeaway?
Being proactive isn’t about being perfect. It’s about planting seeds of courage, optimism, and hope in the everyday moments. It’s small words, quiet praise, and helping your child look ahead instead of feeling stuck.
“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.”
Understanding Your Child’s Weekly Challenges at School And How You Can Help
As a parent, understanding what your child faces at school can help you provide meaningful support at home. Here’s a guide to some common challenges children encounter and simple actionable ways to help them thrive.
School is a full-time job for children, filled with learning, social interactions, and daily challenges. As a parent, understanding what your child faces each week can help you provide meaningful support at home. Here’s a guide to some common challenges children encounter and practical ways you can help them navigate these experiences.
Academic Learning Challenges
Children are constantly absorbing new information, which can sometimes feel overwhelming. Some children take a longer time to process information, which can cause them stress.
How You Can Help:
• Ask specific questions: Instead of asking “How was school?” try “What was the most interesting thing you learned today?”
• Create a homework-friendly environment: A quiet, well-lit space helps children concentrate.
• Encourage a growth mindset: Praise effort, not just results. Saying, “I love how you kept trying!” builds resilience. It is the process of learning that is important.
• Use real-life learning opportunities: If they’re learning fractions, bake together. If it’s history, visit a museum or watch a documentary. Make learning fun.
Friendships and Social Dynamics
Navigating friendships, dealing with peer pressure, and handling conflicts are significant aspects of school life.
How You Can Help:
• Encourage open conversations: Ask about their friends, group activities, and how they felt during social interactions. Never criticize their choice of friends.
• Model positive social interactions: Show them how to manage conflicts calmly and respectfully in everyday life. Talk about your situations where being calm and steady were necessary.
• Teach empathy: Ask, “How do you think your friend felt?” to encourage perspective-taking.
Managing Expectations and Pressure
Children often feel pressure to perform academically, socially, or in extracurricular activities.
How You Can Help:
• Normalize mistakes: Share your own experiences of learning from failures.
• Help them prioritize: Teach time management with a simple planner or checklist.
• Balance activities: Ensure they have downtime to relax and just be kids.
• Celebrate small successes: Acknowledge their hard work, even if results aren’t perfect.
Handling Tiredness and Stress
A full school week can leave children mentally and physically drained. This can cause unwanted anxiety.
How You Can Help:
• Ensure enough sleep: Set a regular bedtime and limit screen time before bed. Keep their room suitably dark to help them sleep well.
• Promote relaxation techniques: Deep breathing, stretching, or listening to calming music can help. Sometimes having an ongoing art activity or jigsaw puzzle set up can be beneficial.
• Encourage outdoor play: Fresh air and movement help relieve stress. This can be through regular park visits or simply a kick of a ball in the backyard. Make exercise a regular part of their weekly routines.
• Check for over-scheduling: If they’re exhausted, it may be time to scale back commitments. This could include a complete break for a few days.
• Positive outlook: Try to keep a positive outlook in the home throughout the week. This reduces stress.
Building Confidence and Independence
As children grow, they need to develop self-confidence and independence in learning and decision-making. This is where you let them grow emotionally and socially.
How You Can Help:
• Let them solve problems: Instead of jumping in, guide them to find solutions.
• Give responsibilities at home: Small tasks like packing their school bag help build independence.
• Encourage self-advocacy: If they have an issue at school, discuss how they might talk to their teacher about it.
• Foster resilience: Teach them that setbacks are part of learning and encourage perseverance.
Final Thoughts
Just as we experience ups and downs across the week, just as we also feel tired, irritated and unhappy from time to time, so will our child. Your capacity to listen well to their concerns and to offer good counsel with not too much intervention is a helpful way to support their busy week. They need to live in a child's world which will mimic the ups and downs of adult life in some ways. Your hand will be there to guide them gently into making good choices that strengthen their foundation years.
How to Support Your Child’s Mental Health Through School Without Over Complicating It
Supporting your child’s well-being doesn’t have to mean long lectures or expensive therapies. Gail Smith shares simple yet effective ways that you can apply to make a real difference in supporting your child's mental health.
School is a huge part of your child’s life. It can be stressful. From friendship fallouts to academic pressure, it’s no wonder mental health is one of the top concerns for families today. But supporting your child’s well-being doesn’t have to mean long lectures or expensive therapies. Sometimes, it’s the simple, everyday things that make the biggest difference.
Consider:
Teach Them to Name Their Feelings and You Name Yours Too
Kids can't manage what they can't name.
Instead of just asking “How was school?”, try asking:
• “What was something that made you happy/sad/frustrated today?”
• “Was there a moment today you felt proud of yourself?”
Better yet, model it yourself: “I felt nervous today because of a big meeting, but I took some deep breaths and got through it.”
Why this works: Kids learn to recognize and handle emotions when they hear you doing it.
Make Space for ‘Down Time’ After School
Imagine finishing a long workday and going straight into more tasks — exhausting, right? Kids need that same recovery time.
Instead of asking them to immediately do homework or talk about the day, try:
• 20 minutes of quiet play
• A snack and a cuddle on the sofa
• Listening to music together
Why this works: It helps them regulate and reset, which makes later conversations or homework battles much easier. We all need space across the day.
Focus on Effort, Not Just Results
When your child shares a test score or project result, it’s tempting to focus on what they got. But instead, try praising the effort behind it:
• “I’m so proud of how hard you worked on that.”
• “I love how you kept going, even when it was tough.”
Why this works: Kids learn that trying is what counts, which builds resilience when things don’t go perfectly. It's OK to get some things wrong.
Keep an Eye on Friendships and Step In If Needed
Friendships are huge for kids' mental health.
Ask casually:
• “Who did you hang out with today?”
• “What was the best part of playtime?”
If you notice they’re upset about friends often, don’t dismiss it. Offer to role-play tricky situations or brainstorm what to say if things get tough. Remember you are not there to take over the problem.
Why this works: Feeling socially safe helps kids relax, focus, and enjoy school more.
Let Teachers Know if Something’s Up
If your child is struggling with sleep issues, anxiety, friendship worries, tell the teacher. You don’t need to give every detail, but a heads-up helps them watch out and support your child in small, thoughtful ways. They spend many hours with them in the best part of the day.
Example email you could send:
"Hi Miss Smith, just wanted to let you know that Jack has been feeling a bit anxious lately, especially in class. If you notice anything or have suggestions, we’d love to hear from you."
Why this works: Teachers can’t help with what they don’t know, and they want to help.
“Supporting your child’s mental health isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present”
Keep A Look Out For Signs Of Stress In Your Child
In today's world, we often check in on our children's mental health. Social media and other challenges faced by youth remind us to stay vigilant. Gail Smith points out some common triggers that may indicate your child is under too much stress. By recognizing these signs, you can better gauge your child's well-being and offer support when needed. It's important to keep an eye out for these cues to ensure your child feels safe and supported.
We live in a world where we intermittently check in on our children's mental health. The pressures through social media and other youth-driven challenges alert us to the need to be vigilant. Below are some known triggers that can be a sign of unacceptable stress in your child. Some stress is normal, and we live with it, finding ways to work it through our life. However, when stress is out of control, we need to intervene. Occasionally tap into your child's well-being index by checking in to these signs:
Changes in Sleep Patterns
Difficulty falling or staying asleep or frequent nightmares can indicate stress. Conversely, a child may sleep excessively to escape stressful feelings.
Behavioural Changes
Increased irritability, mood swings, or withdrawal from family and friends can be signs of stress. A usually outgoing child becoming withdrawn or a calm child suddenly acting out can be indicators.
Physical Symptoms
Complaints of headaches, stomachaches, or other unexplained physical symptoms can manifest as stress. These symptoms often occur without a medical cause and can be recurring.
Academic Performance
A sudden drop in grades, lack of interest in school, or difficulty concentrating on schoolwork can be signs of stress. Stress can impact cognitive functions and overall academic engagement. Always check first with the teacher.
Changes in Eating Habits
Noticeable changes in appetite, such as eating much more or much less than usual, can be a response to stress. This includes skipping meals or binge eating.
Regression to Earlier Behaviours
Reverting to behaviours typical of a younger age, such as bed wetting, clinginess, or thumb-sucking, can indicate that a child is experiencing stress and is seeking comfort.
Frequent Crying
A child who cries easily or often without a clear reason may be experiencing stress. This can be a way for them to release pent-up emotions.
Avoidance Behaviours
A child might try to avoid certain situations or activities that they previously enjoyed, or that are typical for their age group. This could include avoiding school, social events, or specific tasks.
Increased Dependency
A stressed child may become more clingy or dependent on their parents or caregivers, seeking constant reassurance and comfort.
Excessive Worrying or Fearfulness
Persistent worry about various aspects of their life, including school, family, or friends, can be a sign of stress. This might manifest as asking repetitive questions about upcoming events or expressing fears that seem disproportionate to the situation.
When you build a relationship that is open and honest with your child, you will find that your child is more willing to talk to you about their feelings of stress. The above thoughts are just a guiding tool to raise your awareness of symptoms of unacceptable stress that may appear in your child from time to time.
The stress your child feels will be lightened by your ever loving and understanding presence. -Gail J Smith
Some simple ideas to slow down tension at home
Managing a bustling household often leads to tension, with everyone juggling tasks and schedules. To avoid potential issues, try these simple tips for a more harmonious home. Remember, small changes can make a big difference, so be kind to yourself as you navigate the challenges of parenting.
Busy home life can mean a build up of tension as everyone rushes around to complete jobs, homework, work schedules, sport practice etc. There is no shortage of activities that need to be done and as tension builds we can find ourselves angry and behaving in ways that we regret later.
Here are some simple suggestions to ward off problems that can arise from running a busy household where tension can easily build.
When you find yourself angry at some behaviour, take time out. It may only be a few minutes but it will slow down heightened feelings of anger and give you a chance to respond in a calmer way.
Be proactive. If you see some potential ares in which trouble can be brewing try to change patterns. For example, if siblings are fighting can you separate them to have time apart.
If you find yourself very tired, perhaps lighten your load and don’t expect as much of yourself on that day. Fatigue is a great stimulant for losing patience quickly.
When solving problems with your child choose language that is simple and uncomplicated. When a child is stressed they will not always hear everything you say, so keep it simple and to the point.
Avoid triggers that will set you off in an angry state. Also consider the triggers that set off your child. Are there some situations that can be avoided. Prevention is better that cure.
Practice breathing exercises. The more you learn to be calm and breathe well when a difficult situation presents itself, the better you will mange the situation.
Sometimes you can let things go! Consider, does everything have to be solved. Decide which is best, to be happy or to be right all the time.
Sometimes it is worthwhile to check in on why you are upset. Is it necessary? Is it really an issue for you?
Think about how damaging it is to the family to be angry and upset. Think about its importance to be resolved.
Remember the big picture. In the schema of life do you need to be angry over so many things. Consider that being a good enough parent is what is adequate. After all your journey with your child will be over many years. What can you let go that will make your life easier?
We do not live in a perfect world. Families can be a messy business and we have many pressures on us as parents to always make the best decisions for our children. Take little steps and be gentle on yourself as a parent. Allow your human side to be evident to all and find a peaceful style of working with your children.
“Children do not need us to shape them. They need us to respond to who they are.”
Understanding difficult behaviour
Parenting can get tricky, especially when dealing with difficult behaviour. Check out Gail Smith’s suggestions on handling those challenging moments with your child.
Parenting has many aspects to it. However, one of the most complex aspects is dealing with difficult behaviour. It will happen from time to time and as a parent it is all about what you tolerate and what you believe is acceptable behaviour. One of the very best things you can do is to teach your child to behave well. Your modelling and teaching is vital in this area.
Let’s consider how difficult behaviour can manifest itself:
Children with high activity or are clearly unsettled are more likely to misbehave
Sometimes it’s all about attention seeking.
Perhaps getting their own way is important to them.
Sometimes revenge to show how angry they are.
A child will model bad behaviour from other children.
It can happen when guidelines are unclear at home.
Some children need to be specifically taught the correct behaviour.
When a child is stressed. Difficult behaviour can be an outcome.
These are only a few examples of why poor behaviour can happen. Consider tackling the difficult behaviour in the following way:
Listen effectively to what they have to say. This is active listening.
Then talk about ways to address their concerns.
Some negotiation may be need. Work together on this plan.
Then together think about a resolution which may involve consequences for the child. This is real problem solving.
Check in later after action has been taken and affirm your child for going through the process.
Prevention is better than cure so think about why the problem behaviour has occurred. The more you understand, the less problems will continue to evolve.
“When you catch their good behaviour, reward well. It’s the best antidote to misbehaviour.”
Navigating the Emotional Roller coaster: Supporting Parents with Children at School
For some children, school can be challenging on many different levels. This blog aims to provide emotional support and practical strategies for parents to navigate the ups and downs of their children's school lives.
The journey of parenting can be a roller coaster of emotions, especially when it comes to supporting your children's experiences at school. As parents, we all want the best for our kids and wish to see them thrive in their academic and social lives. However, it is not uncommon to encounter various challenges that may leave us feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or even helpless.
This blog aims to provide emotional support and practical strategies for parents to navigate the ups and downs of their children's school lives. For some children and parents school can be a very challenging environment on many levels.
Understanding the Emotional Landscape of School Life:
Embrace the joy of seeing your child explore and learn new things at school, even though it may come with challenges like stress and anxiety.
Celebrate your child's bravery as they face peer pressure and academic demands, knowing that they will grow stronger through these experiences.
Remember, it's okay to feel a mix of emotions as a parent – from worry to pride – it shows how much you care about your child's well-being and success.
Effective Communication with Your Child:
Share laughter and light-hearted moments with your child when talking about their school life. A good sense of humour can bridge any communication gaps.
Rejoice in being a trusted confidante for your child, where they can freely share their frustrations and feelings about school.
Cherish those spontaneous moments when your child needs you, knowing that your attentive presence helps them navigate through their challenges.
Building Resilience in Your Child:
Celebrate your child's growth mindset and the positive attitude they develop towards learning and setbacks. Their resilience will lead them to greater achievements.
Embrace the joy of teaching your child coping skills like yoga, mindfulness, or deep breathing, knowing you're giving them valuable tools for life.
Witness the strength and resilience your child exhibits when facing stress and anxiety, and be proud of their ability to overcome obstacles.
Dealing with Academic Pressures:
Take pride in your child's efforts and progress, letting them know that their hard work is appreciated regardless of the outcome.
Find joy in striking a balance between supporting your child's academics and allowing them to grow independently, fostering their self-confidence.
Celebrate each step of improvement and acknowledge your child's accomplishments, boosting their self-esteem along the way.
Handling Social and Peer-Related Issues:
Find joy in being your child's pillar of support during friendship struggles, knowing you play a crucial role in their social development.
Celebrate the moments when your child shows empathy and inclusiveness, as they cultivate healthy social skills and create meaningful friendships.
Rejoice in the close connections you build with other parents and the valuable support network that helps normalize your concerns.
Coping with Transitions:
Treasure the joy of witnessing your child navigate significant transitions, like starting school or changing schools, and seeing them grow in adaptability.
Celebrate the milestones and graduations in your child's life, knowing that you've been there for them during every step of the journey.
Self-Care for Parents:
Embrace the joy of prioritising self-care, as it not only benefits you but also positively influences your child's emotional well-being.
Take pride in practicing self-care strategies that make you feel good and rejuvenated, allowing you to be the best version of yourself for your child.
Celebrate the moments when you find peace and balance in your life, it sets a positive example for your child's self-care habits.
Connecting with Other Parents and Support Networks:
Rejoice in the joy of finding a supportive network of fellow parents, where you can share experiences and find comfort in knowing you're not alone.
Celebrate the benefits of seeking professional support when needed, it shows your dedication to being the best parent you can be.
Parenting is a beautiful journey filled with ups and downs, and by embracing the joy of supporting your child emotionally through their school years, you create a nurturing environment for them to flourish and grow into confident, resilient individuals.
‘As your child grows and changes, you too grow and change as a parent. Embrace it.’
-Gail J Smith
Do you ever feel like you have hit rock bottom as a parent?
Everyone experiences moments like these as a parent. Here are a few tips to keep positive and that making mistakes is all part of parenting.
We all have those moments and sometimes they turn into hours!
In my work as a school principal, I was always noticing the major changes and adjustments that families made as time went on. Crisis can hit, but as time went on, circumstances shifted and new life came into what were very difficult situations.
Fear is often an issue with parents when they think about the worst-case scenario. They think about the dreaded, ‘What if’ factor. This can become quite a preoccupation. It can cloud common sense responses to situations and can limit a parent’s ability to open their minds to options.
Here are some ideas to keep you going and to remind you that being human, making mistakes, etc. is all part of parenting:
Nothing is permanent. If you have a crisis or just hitting rock bottom, it will pass. Time has a way of shifting the ebbs and flows of life experiences. Everything has its season.
Children keep changing and evolving. Their thoughts and ideas keep shifting and their needs and demands will change as we, the parents, change with them. Therefore, worrying unduly or overthinking about one issue is pointless. Sometimes preoccupying ourselves can mean the problem just disappears, without any of our interference.
The problems children have are children’s problems, so I recommend putting things into perspective and worrying less. Children’s problems come and go and they often take charge of them themselves. Everything of course within reason.
Your children will surprise you! When it comes, enjoy the challenge and try not to become anxious about its implications.
If you are getting tired from just parenting, perhaps you are working at it too hard. Are you overthinking matters? Perhaps you are demanding too much control? Some of the best parenting I have seen came from relaxed and easy-going people who were quite happy to let things just be at times and not interfere too much with their children’s issues. Simply having a presence can at times be enough.
Don’t forget to not lose yourself in parenting. Allow some time for yourself to develop who you are. The happier you are as a person in your own right, the better you will be as a parent. Think about exercising or doing some activity that gives you joy. Permit yourself to be a parent that makes room for yourself.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, learn to reduce the pressure. Find ways to cut back on planned activities or slow down from adding to the list of things to do. Your child wants you as a happy parent, not a fatigued parent. Less is better when it all gets too much!
Be honest with your child. If you are tired tell them. If you haven't the time to do what is requested, talk about it. Your child needs to learn and understand your limits. Be authentic with them and they will appreciate your honesty. This is how they learn empathy, compassion and tolerance. This is also about setting responsible boundaries that support your needs.
If you are hitting a low point, seek out friends and companions that have a similar journey. A lot can be gained by having such a support group to call on. We all need to rely on others. Parenting has been around since the cavemen.
Sometimes saying less when things get heated is the best way not to overcomplicate situations and tire yourself out. We often try to be available and solve situations on the run. Saying less and even silence at times creates some emotional respite which can be a calming time.
If discipline is needed, are you the one to deal with it if you are not in the right space? Perhaps delay discipline if you are not able to deal with it at the time. You need to be well and in a good mental space to be disciplining children.
Try not to be critical of yourself as a parent. You are doing the best you can. Don’t compare yourself to others. You can go into dangerous emotional spaces when you do this comparison. Your child loves and values you for who you are, warts and all so keep up with just loving your child and doing your best. By the way, I have never met a perfect parent!
Finally play often with your child. The more you play, the less intense you are and that greater feeling of being connected to your child tends to wash away some of those feelings of it all being too much. Play is a wonderful healing agent. We all need to play from time to time.
‘Self care is turning some of the nurturing energy you give to your child, towards yourself.’
-Kristi Yeh LMFT
Keeping the stress level down is a great asset as a parent
Stress is a natural part of life, especially when you're a parent. Here are a few ways to reduce your stress level for yourself and your child.
Have you noticed that parenting, being an active person and managing a family can be stressful? Stress is a very natural part of everyone’s life.
Here’s the thing! You will be a more effective parent if you can learn to lessen the stress that can so easily creep into your life. Also, you will feel happier, which is such an important component in the business of being a parent. Your body is not meant to be on alert in a constant crisis mode, as unrelieved stress can impair so much of your faculties.
Think about how the following skills which can be gradually learnt or built into your daily routine. At the very least understand them as common factors that can increase stress levels.
Consider:
Are you quick to respond to stress? Do your reactions to stressful situations increase or reduce your feelings of well-being? Is it best to remove yourself from some situations to reduce the stress in your life? Sometimes it’s best to read the signs and walk away from such situations leaving yourself in control.
Are you a person that is always in a rush? Is that rush all about succeeding, doing the right thing or just trying to be in control? Remember, too much rush can mean you stop listening and miss the best part of life.
Are you inclined to make issues bigger than they are? Easily done when gossip and unhealthy discussion is around. Try to put things into proportion. In time, everything passes and all will be well.
Are you inclined to be a perfectionist? Striving for perfection is exhausting and never satisfying especially around children. Start to accept and appreciate that life is all about ups and downs and this is normal.
When there are anxious times do you need to handle them on your own? Try asking for help and building confidence to ask for the help you need. You do not need to fight battles on your own.
When you are compassionate, you are more aware and sensitive of others. This can lower your feelings of stress. Feelings of compassion and gratitude take you into a more gentle and appreciative framework.
Recognise the negative self-talk which can creep up when feeling poorly. This is especially the case when you are feeling tired. Keep feeding yourself positive “I” Statements.
‘I am really good at….’
‘I am talented at…..’
‘People like my….’
Focus on how you are an achiever.
You don’t need everyone’s approval nor do you need to please everyone. Take care to understand why you feel tired trying to please everyone.
It’s a well known support for stress but it works. When feeling anxious simply take slow deep breaths. Allow the time and feel stronger from the silence and pace of the breathing.
Mindfulness is all about savouring the goodness of the moment. A focus on this can distract from the moment of anxiety.
Be mindful that you need to create some personal interruption free time. This gives you time to simply catch up.
Try physical exercise on a regular basis. Simply walking daily is so therapeutic.
Do something creative for yourself each day. Your spirit is lifted when being creative.
Take a walk into nature. Feel the wind. It lifts the spirit. Keep nature close at hand. It’s such a friend to the spirit.
Humour is a great healer. Find laughter and humour in your daily experiences.
These are all ideas to help you work on reducing stress. Your child will quickly recognise you are working to control stress to be a happier person. This is all good modelling. Remember we are human and our best efforts as parents are to provide a model of a parent working towards feeling and being better.
Dealing with stress in children
Here are some suggestions on keeping your children’s stress levels at bay or at least contained in a manageable package. However, we recognise that stress factors operate around us all the time. Developing tactics to deal with them is the key.
Stress comes in all shapes and forms across childhood. Sometimes it is easy to move on from small matters other times it can be quite consuming for a child and very complex for a parent to manage. Either way stress in some form is part of all our lives.
Early man saw stress as a mechanism to survive. Once they recognised the degree of stress affecting their survival certain tactics were put in place to keep them alive. So we have been dealing with stress since the caveman era. It is almost part of our DNA.
Here are some suggestions on keeping stress levels at bay or at least contained in a manageable package. However, we recognise that stress factors operate around us all the time. Developing tactics to deal with them is the key.
Consider:
Getting enough sleep is so important for mental well-being. Check your child’s room. Is there adequate light reductions at night? Are they sleeping in a comfortable space that gives them several hours of uninterrupted sleep? Do they fall asleep quickly? What can you do to enrich their bedroom by inviting a better place for sleeping?
We often talk about physical exercise that will lower anxiety. The more children enjoy physical activities, the happier the space they are in. Consider all the sports that are on offer. Joining a team sport has immense befits for building personal stamina.
When a stress factor comes into play talk it through with your child. Maybe it can be worked through simply. The more the talk, the greater the propensity for solving the stress. Keeping silent about it only adds to stress and sometimes exacerbates the problem.
Fresh air and the outside environment is a wonderful distraction for stress. It is amazing how a walk through a park, a swim in a pool, a climb of a hill etc will take away the stress feeling. For children sometimes just a hit of the basketball in the yard is a great release.
Some children like to journal their feelings. If this is the case provide plenty of paper and a pencil or a diary to write about their feelings. Remember that you are encouraging them still to talk about the content so that you can both work on the stress factors.
Teachers will often encourage children to write about their feelings. It is recognised as a very legitimate way to express yourself.
Encourage your child to see their stress as something they can manage. Teach them that dealing with little matters can keep away the bigger anxieties. Set up a home environment that is open and invites children to talk about stress. By listening to them and not judging their worries they are more inclined to feel they can open up a conversation about anxious feelings.
A major source of stress can be school. Keep an open mind about school matters and ask your child open-ended questions like:
‘I wonder how school went today?’
‘School can be tricky at times. I remember when I had some issues to think about’.
Avoid using the dreaded basic question,
‘What happened at school today?’
Expect the answer:
‘Nothing.’
Keep an eye on the amount of stress that your child is displaying. For example monitor more carefully:
changed eating habits,
neglecting regular duties
heightened irritability.
increased defiance
letting go of friends
outbursts of irrational anger
When you think it is not manageable for a simple chat, time to take action and start with a conversation at school with the teacher. Much is revealed from such conversations.
Be astute and when you can avoid a stressful situation with your child avoid it. Less confrontation and reducing anxiety is the better option. To avoid stress is a proactive way of dealing with it.
Finally, we understand that we live in an environment that can trigger stress in our children. Our role as parents is to simply demonstrate the wisdom to be present and helpful with our children by effective listening. Be prepared, this sometimes means compromises on yourselves.
‘Courage is not the absence of fear but doing something in spite of fear.’
-Unknown
Short, sharp breaks make all the difference.
How much do we concentrate across the day?
In today’s fast moving world where technology drives so much of the pace in which we live, it is not surprising to hear that our concentration spans are reduced. Some put this down to technology and the social media that demands instant response. We are also aware that children do not learn in the same way that generations before them did and they do not need to stretch their brain, learning large slabs of information when so much information is available at their fingertips from google etc.
The changing face of how we process also suggests that concentrating for long periods of time is more difficult. Teachers are more aware of this and as such will plan lessons with regular short breaks. Sometimes this will include some physical exercise to create space from the previous activity and to refresh thinking after some exercise. It works!
Now think about home. Sometimes tensions rise. This can happen when playing games together, watching television, homework etc. As a parent we sometimes tend to react when the noise rises amongst siblings, other family members etc.
Consider being proactive and simply stopping the activity and all playing a game in the yard or propose some other option such as calling time out and asking children to have quite time in their room. It needn’t be for too long. It is simply about breaking the increasing tension.
In working with children who seemed highly anxious, it was common practice to change the environment in which we were working. Sometimes we would go for a walk in the school yard or check out the preps etc. It was about creating a circuit breaker which shifted a child’s focus thus reducing the tension.
This of course applies to parents. Once our anxieties rise, we need to regulate them by creating space for ourselves to alleviate the pressure. It is amazing how a few minutes away from the problem space can reduce our unhappy feelings to a level where we can control our behaviour more rationally.
“Taking time to do nothing
Often brings everything into perspective. ”
Take a breath and a break when anxiety rises. This will help to alleviate stress.
Know your limits. It's the safest way.
Have you ever noticed how you change when unable to cope? This could be through tiredness, health issues or just you have just reached your limit! Beware these are the vulnerable times when we can overreact with our children. Easily done! Sadly we pay a high price in our relationship when this occurs.
Your child has refused to listen all morning and now he has damaged some furniture. It's enough to set off a chain of verbal abuse on the child. When we do this, we come back feeling vulnerable and wondering how we can undo what we have just done!
Always remember it is the behaviour we do not like. It is not a dislike of the child. When we are tired and vulnerable, how we talk to the child often looks and sounds like we dislike the child!
We are all human and children's behaviour can send our pulses racing.
Parents often tell me that using the following strategies helps limit the likelihood of being out of control.
- Consider stepping back from the situation when it gets out of hand. This can be done by walking away for a few minutes, entering another room, deep breathing, counting to ten etc. It is about creating a space between the incident and your reaction.
- Try preventative methods. If you know that there is a likelihood of escalating bad behaviour from the child, are there things that can be done to reduce that escalation. For example, take along toys, books etc. that can be a distraction. Let the child choose what he would like to take with him.
- Ask yourself do you have to go ahead with the activity at that point? Can it be delayed where the child is not involved?
Keep in your mind some simple “I” statements that limit the anger.
- “I am really upset at the moment and can't talk about it.”
- “I am so angry that this has happened. I need some time to think about it.”
Talk to the child about what you are about to do, shopping etc. Discuss what will help them be settled during this time. Rewarding a child who has had to put in an effort is acceptable but of course not all the time.
Progressively, during the morning or the activity, acknowledge their efforts in behaving well. Thanking them for supporting you is also valuable. Comment on how it made you work faster or achieve your goals well.
Remember it is about reducing the likelihood of reactionary behaviour which is sometimes complicated and hard to reconcile. Often, when we do have these outbursts, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction. This causes doubt and confusion in their mind.
Know your own capabilities and recognise the signs where fatigue etc. will set in and over stimulate your negative reaction to problems. Minimising your reactions enables you to deal with the behaviour in a calmer way.
When we have outburstsover behaviour, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction.
How do we build resilience in our children?
A big question that many parents ask themselves is how do we make our children more resilient? Whilst there are many support programs at school and strategies we can use to help our children, what is well regarded as a powerful strategy is to let the child see how resilient we are as parents in our own life.
How we influence our children is best done by modelling our own strength in coping with difficult situations. The positive language we use in simply discussing a problem gives the child the awareness that you are calmly reflecting and can approach a situation from many angles. It is about a “no blame” outlook.
For example when faced with some crisis try using words like:
- “I have a problem and I need time to think it through.”
- “I need to look at many ways to sort this out.”
- “At the moment I am working through some troubling issues.”
This is about giving the child the message that:
- there can be many ways to solve a problem.
- having a problem is normal.
Staying calm during that time and looking at many angles of the situation is the best way forward.
When I have dealt with children in areas around resilience, it is not uncommon to hear them talk about how their parents would handle the situation. If they have parents who look at quick solutions and blame, it is harder for the child to take personal ownership of their situation themselves. When they recognise that the parents will look at how to resolve a situation through reflection and negotiation, the child is more receptive to owning and dealing with the problem themselves.
Some final thoughts:
- Stay calm when unsettling issues arise.
- Develop strong listening skills so that questioning is clear.
- Where possible, look for how a positive outcome can be reached even though there is some damage.
- Keep your body language calm, steady and consistent.
Above all let your child see that staying calm and open-minded will get a better resolution.
There are many excellent problem-solving games in educational stores that teach the family how to approach a problem.
When a problem is resolved talk about how you used different strategies to understand and solve the problem.
How we influence our children is best done by modelling our own strength in coping with difficult situations.
Have you ever just sat and played with sand?
We have found that children whose emotions rise high can easily calm down just simply sitting and immersing themselves in sand. This is so successful in our school setting that many teachers request a sand tray for their class rooms!. The therapy is very effective and so simple to set up. A child who is angry still needs some support in regulating his or her emotions. The calm distraction of the sand tray works magic!
I would recommend having a tray at home especially if you have a young child who cannot articulate their feelings and who are prone to building up anger very quickly. I find that as the child calms down, talking to the child gently is a way for them to gradually talk about their frustrations and regulate their emotions. Also playing with them in the sand tray gives them a shared experience with the parent.These sand trays are wonderful also for children on the spectrum who have difficulty in expressing themselves. Sometimes a child will create images in the sand that express their feelings. This makes it easier to talk to them specifically about their problems. Sometimes just simply playing with the sand is therapeutic and regulates high emotions.
Many well stocked educational shops will have the sand that is suitable for this sand tray.
In my office sat a very well used sand tray!
Simply playing in the sand can reduce stress.
Weigh it up
Children really enjoy using practical tools to help reflect on their feelings. They enjoy touching and feeling objects and working in practical ways.
Try using your scales at home. Collect a few pebbles. The child, when chatting about their problems, can put a pebble on the scale.
"Hmm that's a heavy problem?"
As the pebbles mount, talk about how these problems just weigh you down. Then invite them to talk about happy experiences that may lighten their load. Put these pebbles on the other side of the scale. Talk about times when they were able to solve their problems.
Sometimes just putting the pebbles on the problem side is enough. As you talk about what can take that problem away, you remove the pebbles and comment on how things seem lighter.
" It seems you worked out how to solve that problem."
When I have used this activity with children they are often keen to paint faces on the rocks to express their feelings. This could be an activity to do with them before you use the scales.
There are many variations of this idea. For example, putting the rocks in a bag and just feeling the weight.
"Problems can be heavy can't they?"
The principle is about children reflecting on lightening their load. It is amazing how such a practical and simple activity can make a difference with the younger child. In a child's mind, problems just mount throughout the week and can quickly seem insurmountable. Many of these problems can melt away quickly with such a simple activity and positive talk. Sometimes a child will just play with the rocks and talk about their problems.
There's easy strategies to help lighten your childs load.
Quick fixes for stressful moments
Ever felt ready to explode? Stress creeps up on us easily and gradually reduces our capacity to effectively manage situations. Children can inadvertently create this stress in us by a series of actions that just seem to keep mounting. They may be simple actions such as not listening, creating a mess, fighting with siblings etc. If we build up this feeling of, "I am over it!” we can explode with far too much reaction and sometimes the child does not see the problem in the same degree as yourself. This causes further deterioration of relationship.
The first step is to recognize how explosive the situation is becoming. Register in your mind that it is for example, eight out of ten and this means it can only get worse. Now take several deep breaths and realize that by changing the situation at this point, everyone feels better.
This can happen through taking a walk together, listening to music, going on a bike ride etc. The activity is not so important as the concept of the physical break from the intensity of the situation.
Exercise is great for everyone when stress is high. The principle here is that breaking from the situation brings down the anxiety and the likelihood of major crisis reduces. This technique is often used in classes as teachers will take their students out for a run on the oval as a break and a chance to refresh their thinking. The exercise and break totally changes the dynamics in the classroom. It is often said to older people if you don't use it, you lose it.
I would say the more active you become the less likelihood of losing your cool.