As a parent remember to listen well
Children learn by example, and when parents practice active listening, they teach valuable communication skills. When a child feels heard, they understand that their thoughts and feelings matter, building their confidence and sense of self-worth. Gail Smith shares five compelling reasons why truly listening to your child is essential for their emotional and social development.
Here are five powerful reasons why parents need to truly listen to their child, each with a sharp and effective well-being message:
Small Problems Now Prevent Big Problems Later
When kids feel heard about small worries (like a bad day at school), they’re more likely to share big issues (like bullying or anxiety) later. Dismissing small concerns teaches them their voice doesn’t matter. Sometimes they cannot decipher between what is big and little with their worries.
Listening Builds Confidence, Not Silence
A child who feels listened to learns that their thoughts and feelings are important. A constantly interrupted or dismissed child learns to stay quiet, even when they desperately need help. Being silent, they feel is a safe position.
Strong Parent-Child Bonds Reduce Anxiety
Studies show that children who feel heard by their parents develop better emotional regulation and experience less anxiety and stress. Feeling understood creates a deep sense of security. If you are heard you are more confident in yourself.
Kids Who Are Heard Become Adults Who Speak Up
When parents actively listen, kids grow up with the confidence to set boundaries, express their needs, and advocate for themselves in friendships, school, and later in life. For them, talking up is their strength.
Unspoken Feelings Don’t Disappear—They Show Up in Behaviour
When children feel ignored, their emotions often turn into anger, defiance, withdrawal, or anxiety. Listening is the first step in helping them healthily process their feelings. They need to use their voice.
Remember children learn by example and if you are a good listener to others they will see how effective this is in communicating well. If a child feels that they are being listened to, they know they are valued and that what they have to say really matters.
“Be patient when listening to your child. You will hear so much but within their talk there is an important message that will come through.”
How to Support Your Child’s Mental Health Through School Without Over Complicating It
Supporting your child’s well-being doesn’t have to mean long lectures or expensive therapies. Gail Smith shares simple yet effective ways that you can apply to make a real difference in supporting your child's mental health.
School is a huge part of your child’s life. It can be stressful. From friendship fallouts to academic pressure, it’s no wonder mental health is one of the top concerns for families today. But supporting your child’s well-being doesn’t have to mean long lectures or expensive therapies. Sometimes, it’s the simple, everyday things that make the biggest difference.
Consider:
Teach Them to Name Their Feelings and You Name Yours Too
Kids can't manage what they can't name.
Instead of just asking “How was school?”, try asking:
• “What was something that made you happy/sad/frustrated today?”
• “Was there a moment today you felt proud of yourself?”
Better yet, model it yourself: “I felt nervous today because of a big meeting, but I took some deep breaths and got through it.”
Why this works: Kids learn to recognize and handle emotions when they hear you doing it.
Make Space for ‘Down Time’ After School
Imagine finishing a long workday and going straight into more tasks — exhausting, right? Kids need that same recovery time.
Instead of asking them to immediately do homework or talk about the day, try:
• 20 minutes of quiet play
• A snack and a cuddle on the sofa
• Listening to music together
Why this works: It helps them regulate and reset, which makes later conversations or homework battles much easier. We all need space across the day.
Focus on Effort, Not Just Results
When your child shares a test score or project result, it’s tempting to focus on what they got. But instead, try praising the effort behind it:
• “I’m so proud of how hard you worked on that.”
• “I love how you kept going, even when it was tough.”
Why this works: Kids learn that trying is what counts, which builds resilience when things don’t go perfectly. It's OK to get some things wrong.
Keep an Eye on Friendships and Step In If Needed
Friendships are huge for kids' mental health.
Ask casually:
• “Who did you hang out with today?”
• “What was the best part of playtime?”
If you notice they’re upset about friends often, don’t dismiss it. Offer to role-play tricky situations or brainstorm what to say if things get tough. Remember you are not there to take over the problem.
Why this works: Feeling socially safe helps kids relax, focus, and enjoy school more.
Let Teachers Know if Something’s Up
If your child is struggling with sleep issues, anxiety, friendship worries, tell the teacher. You don’t need to give every detail, but a heads-up helps them watch out and support your child in small, thoughtful ways. They spend many hours with them in the best part of the day.
Example email you could send:
"Hi Miss Smith, just wanted to let you know that Jack has been feeling a bit anxious lately, especially in class. If you notice anything or have suggestions, we’d love to hear from you."
Why this works: Teachers can’t help with what they don’t know, and they want to help.
“Supporting your child’s mental health isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present”
Let’s look at conversations to have with your child
By having regular, open conversations, parents can nurture a positive outlook in their child’s life. Here are five meaningful topics parents can frequently discuss to support mental health, instill confidence, and remind children that they are always loved. Read on to learn how these conversations can help your child grow with confidence and emotional security.
Here are five great conversation topics that parents can frequently discuss with their children to support mental health, foster a positive disposition, and reassure them of being loved. Frequent positive reminders are healthy ways to give a positive outlook to a growing child and to build emotional intelligence.
Emotions and Feelings
Topic: "How are you feeling today? It's okay to have all kinds of emotions."
Purpose: Encourage emotional expression and validation of feelings. This helps children understand that it’s normal to have a range of emotions and that their feelings are important.
Reassuring Message: "No matter how you feel, I'm always here to listen and support you."
Self-Worth and Inner Strength
Topic: "What do you think makes you special or unique?"
Purpose: This encourages self-reflection and builds self-esteem by helping the child recognize their strengths, talents, and individuality.
Reassuring Message: "You are amazing just the way you are, and I love you for who you are."
Challenges and Problem-Solving
Topic: "What was something challenging today, and how did you handle it?"
Purpose: Encouraging conversations about handling challenges reinforces resilience and problem-solving skills, helping children approach difficulties with a positive mindset.
Reassuring Message: "No matter what happens, you’re strong, and I believe in your ability to get through tough times."
Gratitude and Positivity
Topic: "What are three things you’re thankful for today?"
Purpose: Fostering gratitude can shift the focus toward the positive aspects of life, promoting optimism and mental well-being.
Reassuring Message: "Even when things are hard, there’s always something good, and I’m grateful to have you in my life."
Love and Belonging
Topic: "What’s something fun we could do together soon?"
Purpose: Strengthen the parent-child bond by focusing on shared experiences, making the child feel valued and connected.
Reassuring Message: "You are always loved, no matter what, and spending time with you makes me happy."
Frequent conversations on these topics not only build a child's mental resilience but also provide the emotional security that they are loved and supported unconditionally. Every child needs reassurance and will from time to time need that extra reassurance that their world is fine.
“A parent’s positive reassurance is a life line to a child.”
Parenting through uncertain times
In our fast-paced world, the internet and social media greatly influence how we see things. As a parent, navigating this can be tough. Check out Gail Smith's tips for creating a safe and supportive home environment for your child in this digital age.
We live in a fast moving world where internet and especially social media impact so much on how we see and interpret the world. I appreciate that for parents finding the right path to direct and support their child over their growing years comes with challenges.
The following thoughts may help to provide a domestic climate where a child feels safe and enabled in such an overstimulated world:
Communication is a vital key to supporting your children. Encourage open and honest communication with your children about what is happening. Provide age- appropriate information about the situation and answer their questions truthfully. Let them know that it's okay to feel scared or confused. Let them see how you are open to talking about all sorts of matters with no judgement.
Establishing and maintaining a consistent daily routine can provide children with a sense of stability and predictability during uncertain times. Routine and family rituals are comforting to a child who needs to know their boundaries and limitations.
Limit children's exposure to news coverage and social media discussions about the uncertain situation. Instead, provide updates and information in a calm and reassuring manner. Read newspapers with information that is appropriate to be read.
Validate your child's feelings and emotions regularly, acknowledging that it's normal to feel scared, anxious, or uncertain during challenging times. Encourage them to express their feelings through talking, drawing, or writing them. Let them see how you manage your emotions and deal with unsettling situations. Be authentic.
Help children focus on what they can control in the situation, such as practicing good hygiene, following safety guidelines, and engaging in activities that promote well-being. Empower them to take positive actions within their control. Talk about what is reasonable to be in their control.
If a child can learn to problem solve they become independent learners. Teach children problem-solving skills and encourage them to brainstorm solutions to the challenges they are facing. Sometimes breaking down problems into smaller parts makes solutions easier to manage.
Model self-care behaviours for your children by taking care of your own physical and emotional well-being. Let them see that you value personal care to nurture your self interests.
Help children stay connected with friends and loved ones through virtual means, such as video calls, online games etc. Social connections can provide comfort and support during uncertain times. Remember it takes a village to bring up a child.
Encourage resilience by highlighting examples of resilience in stories, movies, or real-life experiences. Help children recognize their own strengths and abilities to overcome challenges and bounce back from adversity. Affirm regularly their strengths when you notice them.
If you notice signs of significant distress, don't hesitate to seek professional help from a counsellor, therapist, or mental health professional who specializes in working with children. Such help is readily available to families.
Let’s be optimistic and positive with our children letting them see that with good care and proper directions today’s world can be understood and managed. As a parent negotiating your own way through today’s world will be a challenge. However, with a little bit of reflection and care you can make such a difference for your child.
“Whilst we live in uncertain times, let’s be certain we value effective parenting
to make the difference for our children.”
Helping your child develop strong emotional intelligence
Here are various simple ways we can help build emotional intelligence in our children.
We all talk about the avenues to build intellectual intelligence. We also need to recognise that the growth of emotional intelligence is critical for a person to cope well in society and to feel inclusive. Strong emotional intelligence helps us regulate our emotions and view the world in a broader way. Our well-being is best enhanced by developing high levels of emotional intelligence.
There are various simple ways we can help build emotional intelligence in our children. Here are some suggestions:
Talk About Feelings:
Ask your child how they're feeling and why. Encourage them to express their emotions, like happiness, sadness, or anger. Use those words in conversations about how they are feeling. Talking about feelings is seen as a positive sign of building and understanding well-being. Let them see that you have feelings and can manage those feelings. We all have strengths and weaknesses.
Listen Actively:
When your child talks about their feelings, listen carefully without interrupting. Show that you understand and care about what they're saying. Place no judgement on their feelings or emotional state. They will regulate themselves better if you are calm and steady.
Teach Problem-Solving:
Help your child find solutions when they face problems or conflicts. Ask questions like, "What can we do to make this better?" Be prepared to use negotiation with your child.
Manage Your Own Emotions:
Show your child how you handle your own feelings. If you're upset, explain why and how you're trying to feel better. Be authentic when you talk about your feelings and talk about the strategies you will employ to help you through the problem.
Empathy and Understanding:
Teach your child to think about how others might feel. When they see someone sad, ask, "How do you think they're feeling?" Demonstrate empathy in your own life and apply it to the family. If a child sees you empathetic they learn it quickly. Your modelling is so important here.
Use Books and Stories:
Read books or tell stories that explore emotions and situations. Discuss the characters' feelings and ask your child how they would react. Watch movies together that highlight empathy and sympathy. Talk about them as a family
In simple terms, parents can help their children develop emotional intelligence by talking about feelings, listening, problem-solving, setting a good example with their own emotions, teaching empathy, and using stories to explore emotions together. Each day there will be occasions where you can highlight in little ways the importance of being emotionally switched on to life matters.
Be a parent who embraces healthy emotions and recognises the occasions where you can be helpful in strengthening emotional intelligence.
‘One can be the master of what one does, but never of what one feels.”
-Gustav Flaubert
Six mini moments of joy and care to your child
Six ideas for giving mini moments of support and encouragement to your child.
Here are some ideas for giving mini moments of support and encouragement to your child. It is amazing how little encouragement along the way can make all the difference for your child. It doesn’t have to be long and protracted. It just needs to be spontaneous and joyful where the child feels happy, reassured and valued.
Getting Closer: Hugging and comforting your child help you become closer, like best friends. It makes them feel safe and close to you.
Understanding Feelings: When your child is sad or mad, talking to them and comforting them helps them understand and deal with their feelings better.
Feeling Awesome: Saying nice things about what your child does, even if it's a small thing, makes them feel great about themselves. It’s all about positive talk.
Being Kind: When you show kindness to your child, like helping them when they're hurt or upset, they learn to be kind to others too. This develops empathy and sympathy.
Growing Healthy: Giving your child healthy food, playing with them, and helping them learn new things helps them grow strong and smart.
Happy Memories: Doing fun things with your child, like reading stories, baking cookies, or playing games, creates happy memories that they'll remember when they're older. Best to make wonderful long-term memories that will be recounted in their adulthood.
In simple terms, being a good parent means showing love, being there, and doing fun things with your child every day. These little moments of care add up to help your child feel loved while growing up happy and strong. Make it a habit to find occasions to provide those mini moments of care. They will soon add up to a wealth of encouragement.
‘Building blocks of life can start with mini moments of giving joy to your child.’
-Gail J Smith
Helping the shy, less confident child
For some children, finding their confidence can be a challenge. Here are some ways to build your child’s stamina in this area.
For some of our children, finding the confidence to speak up is a hard process. In fact, it can become quite a habit to sit back, observe others and have no expectations of putting yourself forward in a group situation. The confident, more dominant personality, will take centre stage and the quieter child will become the audience. There are some strategies you can use to help build a child’s stamina in this area.
Consider:
If you are a louder, more prominent personality, try to tone it down around your child. They will step back and not engage as effectively if they feel that you are taking over.
If there are other more confident siblings around, make sure that your quiet child gets their voice heard. Perhaps at dinner time, everyone takes turns to talk about their day.
Reassure with plenty of ‘I’ statements. ‘I like it when you tell me what happened.’ ‘I am so happy to hear that story.’ ‘Well done. That is a great idea. Tell me more.’
Choose your words carefully and avoid harsh criticism. This is such a setback for a less confident child. They remember all the negative words.
Giving them more independence builds their self-confidence. Start doing things for them but pull back and let them finish the tasks.
Exercise listening more to what they have to say. This will affirm their worth. Give excellent eye contact and undisturbed attention when they talk. Choose a special time on your own to have those chats.
Talking in front of groups can be difficult. Invite them to practise in front of the family, talk about their hobbies etc.
Joining extracurricular activities means they will need to engage with others. Being a team member means committing to collaboration and engagement with others. Learning an instrument means presenting in front of people. It all helps.
Encourage friendships. Having a friend requires effort and commitment.
Remember when you praise be specific. ‘I was so impressed with how you spoke to your friend who was upset. You were so sympathetic.’
Use open-ended questions. This gives them scope to answer expressively. ‘Tell me about the project?’ ‘What have you learnt at basketball training today?” We don’t want ‘yes, no’ answers.
Surprisingly shy children act out in plays very well. In fact, they enjoy taking on another character. Encourage joining a drama group or simply dress up and reenact fairy tales at home. Home can become a great uninhibited theatre for the whole family. Perhaps your child can act out what happened at school that day.
Reading stories out loud to the whole family is helpful. How about a family novel where each child reads a small section after dinner?
When you hear of some lack of confidence they display with regard to something at school, encourage them to set little goals to work on the issue. Then praise them for their efforts.
Set realistic expectations at home. They want to please you and if they succeed they feel so much more secure in themselves.
Play often with your child. This helps with building positive self-talk. They feel confident and happy to plough through the play and learn more about themselves.
Little by little your shy, less confident child can become quite a strong, capable personality over time. Slow, steady encouragement while at the same time respecting their emotional and social stage of development is the best way forward.
‘Believe you can and you’re halfway there.”
-Theodore Roosevelt
Is bullying an issue for your child?
Bullying is a serious issue. Here's a few parenting tips on how to keep focused of the issue of bullying.
Sadly, this is an area that we are dealing with across all schools. From time-to-time, schools develop great policies that seem to work to protect the victim and to change the behaviour of the offender. However, they can break down and once a child feels the pressure of repeated bullying, it can become quite a consuming and damaging part of their life. In many cases it is not forgotten.
Of course, there is the argument that we need to toughen our children to the real world. I would agree with this, except bullying has an incredibly damaging impact on a child’s wellbeing, which can be lasting and have major impact on a child’s sense of self-worth. A child’s school performance will drop quickly if they lose their sense of personal confidence.
Here are a few ideas to keep you focused on the issue of bullying:
When chatting with your child, listen to any statements being made about feeling less interested in school. Of course, there are obvious signs such as bruising etc. but sometimes a child wants to simply not attend school because of the passive aggressive pressure being placed on them. Gently ask questions to establish why they have lost interest in school.
If you suspect some bullying, take care not to be too direct in questioning. That can sometimes scare them off. Also, they fear that your interference can make it worse. This is a big issue with children not disclosing bullying, if they think their parents will intervene and overreact.
‘You seem unhappy with school now. I wonder what makes you feels so sad?’ Ask gentle, general questions.
A child needs to feel that when they tell you about it, you are really listening and not just treating it lightly. When a child is bullied, they need reassurance and faith that their parents will take it seriously.
Of course, overreacting and wanting to solve the problem by approaching the bully yourself is not the answer. If your child thinks that you will deal with it that way, they are more inclined not to tell you. Take care not to be the person who solves the problem on your own. That behaviour does not make for a better parent.
Listen carefully and get an accurate picture of what is happening. Let them talk about their feelings and ask them to be specific about the bullying.
· Who is doing it?
· What are they actually doing to your child?
· How often does it happen?
· When and how does your child deal with it now?
Sometimes children can be vague about the bullying because they are anxious and feel interference will make it worse. Go gently and gain accurate and specific information. Try not to put thoughts in their mind that their behaviour has caused this to happen. However, try to learn what aggravates this behaviour.
Discuss the actions to take with your child. Give them strategies but also go straight to the school initially deal with the teacher and discuss how it will be handled. A Principal will most often refer this back to the teacher who understands more about the dynamics of their class.
Your child needs to be aware of all the actions that needs to be taken and what the school expects of them. Read their school policy on bullying very carefully. It will contain expectations on the part of the one bullying and the victim.
Ongoing discussion with your child will ensure that they know you are concerned and that no one rests until the bullying has stopped. Keep in regular touch with the school to ensure that the action has gone away. If still unsatisfied, talk to the Principal.
Discuss with your child how they are feeling and have they learnt any strategies to deal with such issues in the future. Whilst we all have strong feelings about consequences for the one bullying, we want our child to learn how to prevent further bullying occurring.
Keep in touch with the school to be satisfied that the issue of bullying is still being addressed. Bullying can transform itself in various ways and creep back without ongoing maintenance from the school and parents.
A child has a fundamental right to feel safe and to be treated fairly and respectfully. Schools and parents need to work together to ensure that emotional, intellectual, social and physical safety is a given at their school.
‘If children feel safe, they can take risks, ask questions, make mistakes, learn to trust and share their feelings and grow.’
-Alfie Kohn
Dealing with a child’s fears
Here are some parenting suggestions to help children work through and potentially overcome their fears.
Fears can come at any time. They can be mild-mannered or driven by some former experience that left them fearful. Fears can also be linked to low self-esteem, where a child feels more prone to be vulnerable. Sometimes a child can outgrow them. Sometimes fears can linger longer if not effectively dealt with at the time.
It is natural for a child to have some fears. As a human race, fears were part of prehistoric man to help us work out survival tactics. With a child, we need early identification and working with the child in understanding its source and finding strategies to deal with it.
We understand that fears can come at any surprising and unexpected time and be triggered in different ways. The following thoughts are to help our child understand and deal with fear:
When you see your child upset and showing signs of being frightened, respect that it is real for your child. Never underestimate the fear and underplay its importance. They need to feel sure that you believe them.
Ask them to describe their fear, if possible in detail, hopefully they can tell you how they feel and when and how it manifests itself. Talk about a strategy to try to reduce the fear. Brainstorm some ideas together. For example, if it’s fear of the dark, talk together about options such as using a soft bedroom light etc. Working it through together is important and reassuring for the child. Here you show them they are not alone with their fear.
After deciding together on a strategy, trial it and later come back to the child to see how it went. Be prepared to keep visiting the fear if still not under control. Every attempt is trial and error.
Let them express all their feelings when talking about their fear. The more they are heard and the more they talk about it, some reduction of the fear can occur.
Children feel safe with routine and familiar settings. Try to bring them into the solution when finding ways forward. Working through the fear is not a time to introduce new stimuli.
Talk about some strategies you use to help with fear. Discuss taking deep breaths, talking to friends, listening to music etc. Can they suggest some strategies that will make them feel more secure?
Applaud their own efforts in getting on top of the fear. The more they learn to develop their own techniques, the better and often quicker, a satisfactory outcome. There is nothing more healing than doing it yourself!
There are some wonderful books on dealing with fears. Check with your library or school.
The more you talk openly about how natural it is to sometimes have fears, the more it seems as part of life and less mystifying and isolating.
Never forget the value of your teacher. They may have some suggestions and even follow-through activities to do at school to support the concern.
Finally, as your child grows, their emotional growth becomes stronger. They begin to reason and rationalise in ways that can help them work through fears or at least understand them better. Your support over the years in listening, being empathetic and respecting their fears will give them the courage and fortitude to be in control when fearful obstacles potentially come their way.
‘Thinking will not overcome fear but action will.’
W. Clement Stone
The importance of simply reflecting on what a child has to say
Children can come out with all sorts of negative comments, but tt is all about really listening to the child and picking up what is the real bottom line of the problem, especially the feelings. It's important to reflect on what a child has to say and really listen.
This is all about reflecting back to the child what the child has said to you, the parent. It is all about paraphrasing what has been said, picking out the most important content details of what has been said by the child. The parent then talks back to the child expressing what the child has said and giving reassurance to the child that they actually heard the essence of what they were saying. The parent can pick up on the emotional aspects to the child’s conversation.
Child: ‘I hate it when my friend won’t play with me.’
Parent: ‘You are upset if they do not play with you and you feel hurt.’
It is all about really listening to the child and picking up what is the real bottom line of the problem, especially the feelings.
Reflecting on what a child says is not:
Using the information to lecture the child.
Correcting the child’s information.
Expressing an opinion on what the child says.
It is actually:
Listening without questioning the content.
Holding off on having opinions on what they say.
Being neutral and getting to the essence of their hurt.
Simply listening and not interrupting.
It is about respecting their pain.
Keep in your mind some feeling words that come in handy when reflecting back how your child felt. Words such as;
Happy, sad, angry confused, disappointed, surprised frightened helpless, insecure.
For example: ‘You seem unhappy that your friend left the school.’
Reflection of feelings is used extensively in counselling situations but it is also a very useful tool for a parent to let their child know that they heard their pain.
‘The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.’
Peggy O’ Mara