9 Tips about how to help your child love learning

The whole learning process for our children can be considered without a doubt, a family affair. Research over many years tells us that the more parents are interested and show an inquiring attitude to their child’s learning, the more successful the learner. You are after all the child’s first teacher. From infancy through to young adulthood, your child will depend on you physically, emotionally and socially. Challenges will come their way but you still remain a primary source for their learning and developing a passion for learning.

On many levels, you set the stage for understanding the value and richness of learning. Sounds like a tall order, but your work is done slowly and steadily over the years. It is not an overnight job and the more you take it on as a serious part of your role, the more likely the child will be engaged in their learning from a younger age.

Here are some simple tips that help us along the way from infancy through to well…. Adulthood:

1. Establishing a daily routine is important. Build it into all the expectations of the day and understand what school requirements are to be considered in your plan. Setting up a routine includes providing a quiet spot for them to learn at home. Consider the background noise issues, lighting and of course interruptions like younger siblings.

2. Regular conversations about school each day can keep the dialogue going in a positive way about what was learnt, achieved or found interesting. Remember this is not about an inquisition into the school day, but a gentle interest in what the child learnt or did in their time. Sometimes you may get a response, sometimes that may not happen.

3. Set tasks for your child that are manageable and within reasons. You can help them set goals in doing jobs at home. Also help them balance their homework time, play time and reading time. Teach them that the more they plan and balance their time, the happier they will be. Point out that by being organised, they get the recreation and play time that they want and deserve.

4. A most important aid in helping your child become a true learner is the modelling you give them. By your example such as reading, writing or being active in a range of learning activities, the child sees that this is the way to go. When you play as a family be intuitive and choose activities, games etc. that have a learning component to them, but at the same time they are fun. Learning to link fun and joy is the best way forward for a child. Also be an inquirer. Teach your child that asking questions is important. Have various ways of seeking information through books internet, conversations etc.

5. Set high expectations for your child, but make them achievable. A child needs to feel inspirational, but not have unreal expectations placed on them. Be proud of their efforts and affirm how hard they try to achieve their goals. ‘I am so impressed with all the effort you put into learning about elephants. You must have got so much good information.’

6. Be aware of their special talents and praise their uniqueness in all sorts of ways. Every child has unique gifts. Spell them out often.

7. Be proud to show their work to other members of the family. Learning is about a celebration of knowledge and achievements in many forms. We demonstrate that all learning should be boldly acknowledged.

8. Encourage overall development. This can be through their physical efforts, intellectual efforts, artistic endeavours etc. Show your child that there are many ways of achieving success in learning and you recognise so many of them in your child.

9. Be a connector with the school. This shows your child that you value their learning space throughout the day. Connect to libraries, take your child to museums, places where creativity and adventure are alive. Keep an eye out for opportunities that introduce new concepts and open their minds in different ways. Show your child that you enjoy discovering new ways of seeing and understanding the world.

Finally, the learning process over the years is slow and steady. At times it will accelerate as different teachers and circumstances excite the imagination. Your role is to be the constant, everyday reminder that learning is an ongoing and life-giving experience. It is a growth that keeps developing all your life if the foundations teach you well. Be the ever-present learner in the life of your child.

                        ‘Once you stop learning you start dying.’

                                                                                -Albert Einstein

Choose your battles. That’s the best win.

Sometimes being right is not always the best outcome for the situation. Naturally, the feeling of being right can be overpowering and we feel compelled to set everything on the right curve. After all, if you know what’s right, you naturally want to do the right thing.

Actually, we need to think beyond that and realise that choosing your battles will actually empower you better, when working out issues with your children. Resistance comes fast and furious if you are the one with all the answers. Children learn to shut down, not listen and sometimes work in a rebellious way.

Knowing which battles to fight and which ones to leave is a powerful lesson.

 Consider:

• Is winning all the time teaching the child any lessons? Sometimes allowing them to decide even though mistakes are made is a great learning lesson. If your child thinks you are always right and have the answers, how will they ever learn themselves? Here the child becomes dependent on the parent and never seeks answers and solutions for themselves. This is a dangerous direction, leading to very poor self-esteem and I might add poor school performance.

• By demonstrating to your child that you don’t have all the answers and sometimes you let things go, teaches your child the very human face that you present to them. It is a wise parent that sometimes lets things go.

• Remember that some battles are quite insignificant. Consider whether or not it is important to win small victories. Often these are insignificant but can mount up if you are out to win all battles.

• Children learn the art of avoidance very quickly if they have dominant parents that seem to know everything. It is much easier for them not to discuss matters with you. Silence, when used, is a great trick or developed skill. Your child will feel happier not going into battle over matters that they know they will lose. This sets a dangerous precedence and your child will seek out their needs elsewhere.

• When a battle is brewing and you think it is important to bring up, go gently into active listening. Hear their concerns. Try to resolve the matter with some understanding of their needs. Negotiation is the best way forward and will lead to their confidence in approaching you again.

• Think across a day, a week, a month etc. and try not to go into battle too often. It is habit-forming. Try walking away, counting to ten, practise some deep breathing. Find strategies that will reduce your anger and invite more reflection on whether it was worth the battle.

• After you learn to be more intuitive with regard to what is worth the battle, you may find yourself relaxing more and not taking everything so seriously.

Finally, your relationship is not about the battles won but the battles that need to be avoided and the relationship that strengthens by less confrontation.

Some children will press your buttons more than others. Think about what is the driver in their behaviour that makes you so upset. Try to reflect on ways around that and it may be by counting to ten, breathing slowly or simply walking away. Quick reactions leading to control can only reduce your healthy relationship, so be alert to how your child interacts with you.

‘Choose your battles wisely because if you fight them all you’ll be too tired to win the really important ones’.

         -The MindsJournal.com

Tiredness can be a killer at times

This is just a brief reminder that tiredness can be an enemy in building relationships at times. When we are tired our capacity to think straight, our interest in doing things well and our ability to pay attention are down. When we are like this and more vulnerable, we are more inclined to damage and neglect relationships, which then leads to the need to recover and repair.

Teachers who are skilled in understanding their levels of tiredness choose to teach according to how they feel. I always remember coming to school one day with no voice! Not a sensible thing to do. The children then decided to have a silent day! Well, it worked, but in hindsight, I should have been at home resting. A teacher will redirect their planned work if they are not feeling up to the mark. This flexibility is a responsible way of managing your work and ensuring that your performance fits how you feel.

Consider:

• When you are tired, debating issues with your child can be a lose/ lose scenario. Delay such a plan. Nobody wants to go into damage control if possible.

• Being tired leaves you open to say things more loosely. It can also quicken your temper. Nobody wants to go into damage control while tired. Remember that things said take a while to unravel.

• Do you really listen to everything with clarity when you are tired? Take care not to agree to certain matters while tired. You could regret that later. Children can be very clever in choosing their time!

• Sometimes it is easier not to be too present with your child on that day when you are feeling tired. This is being proactive and avoiding conflictual situations. Are there others that can deal with the matter?

• Your child may not understand that tiredness affects your judgement. This is especially the case with younger children. Tell them that when tired, it is not the best time to discuss important matters. Tiredness limits how you can best help them.

• Sometimes our comprehension of situations can be dulled when tired. Try not to make important decisions with your child or final statements when not feeling ready.

• Do not be too hard on yourself if you feel that you just can’t deal with your child’s issue at that time. You are human and respect the fact that you want to give the best to your child. Being tired is not the best time.

‘I am feeling a little tired now. Can we discuss that matter later today?’

The more you let your child understand how you feel, the more likely they will be to approach you when ready. After all, they also want the best from the conversation and especially to be really heard. They learn quickly to choose the best time to satisfy their needs.

‘The worst thing about being tired is the negative twist of perception’

-Rosamond Rice

How to motivate your child to learn

This can be a challenge for some children who can lose motivation at school and find the whole exercise of school just too much. They can develop a flight or fight mentality to escape school or simply disengage, which is such a frustrating and helpless experience for the family to understand. Merely encouraging them or advising them about the advantages of school does not make a great deal of difference. In fact the more we talk about it, the more they can feel a failure in your eyes and further reject school.

Consider the following ideas to help motivate a child about school:

•      Develop at home an atmosphere where learning is seen as a good thing. Talk about how you learn and what you enjoy when you want to read a book etc. Keep reading alive at home as we know that being able to read is a key to being happy and successful at school. The process of learning to read helps keep the brain active in processing information and communication. A child who reads will have less problems being motivated at school. Reading excites the imagination and keeps the interest high in learning.

•      Encourage your child to be independent in their learning. Try not to put controls on them or limit what they must learn. We now know that children learn in all different ways and this creative process should be encouraged. Give them choices and affirm what they choose to learn. A motivated child will always want to follow their passions.

•      Keep the conversations going and keep them frequent. Make them positive and full of reassurance and confidence in their efforts. Listen to their opinions and applaud creative thinking. A child needs to feel that how they learn has value and that what they have to say is important. They may challenge you in the way they think but that is OK!

•      Notice the uniqueness of your child and home in on their interests. Sometimes their passions and interests last a short while, sometimes they last forever. Either way, your child needs to be supported in those interests and made to feel that their passions are powerful and valued. Help them to discover more about their passions. Perhaps if fishing is their interest go to the library together and collect books on fishing.

•      All children learn differently. Any teacher will tell you this. Don't be critical of their learning style. Allow them to discover their best way of learning. When we force their hand at changing how they learn, this can destroy a child’s confidence and they can begin to doubt their ability to learn.

•      Consider sharing games together. They are a great family activity but also reinforce that learning is a successful tool in playing games. A child works out that to be successful at the game they should try harder and understand more.

•      Remember that the process of learning is what is important. Reward and acknowledge the effort, not the outcome. Remember that a child looks for your approval and is more motivated by your acceptance of their efforts rather than how they were successful. If absolute success is your goal, a child will become anxious about rising to meet that challenge. This is where disengagement can happen.

•      Every child has strengths. It is easy for us to see our weaknesses and so important for a child to feel success through their strengths. Teachers are very good at picking up on this in class and will focus on a child’s strength to give them reassurance that they can easily learn. It also makes children less anxious about their weaknesses. This also teaches a child that failure is part of life and that we use it as a means to learn. Focusing on their weakness only shrouds them in a sense of failure and disengagement from school is not far away.

•      Be a learner yourself and use opportunities around you to engage your child in learning. This is about developing an inquiring mind. Learning is catchy and your child will see you as someone helping them to develop an inquiring mind and to be curious about all sorts of things.

•       Children can from time to time lose some motivation at school.

Remember they are children and may need time to simply rest a little from formal learning. Your teacher has an excellent knowledge on how your child learns and I would recommend you speak to them when motivation drops off.

 ‘There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly

                                                 -Buckskin Fuller

A few tips to get you started in term four

This is quite a special term in the school life. There is generally a very comfortable atmosphere in each classroom. It is also a term that talks about putting closure on the school year and that can come with excitement, anticipation or some anxiety about letting go of what they have built up all year.

 Here are some thoughts about the business of term four that you may find helpful:

•      Teachers come back to term four with plans of finally testing the children. October is a time when this may start and teachers will be now preparing for those final tests that will be the backbone of your child’s school report. If you are planning to be away, best to talk to your teacher about their testing plans.

•      Some children can become a little anxious as there is much talk about change for the new school year, class lists, being with friends and leaving their teachers. Also there can be rumours about who is leaving and discussion that is not healthy about what teachers you should not get for the new year. Try to avoid any negative talk around the school and reassure your child that the best will be put in place for the new year. Anxious talk leads to anxious thoughts.

•      Term four is also a celebratory term and there will be parties and fun activities planned for the school and class. Keep in the loop as to what is happening at the school and how you can be part of the end of year functions. After all, the school is an important part of your life as a parent.

•      Keep the conversation going at home about the change that will come at the end of the year. Some children need to be given more reassurance that the change will be a good thing and that they will grow from the experience.

•      Towards the end of the year some children become anxious that they may not be placed in the same class as their best friends. Here I would recommend talking to your teacher about this issue as in many cases a change is exactly what may be needed and your teacher may have very good reasons why this is the case.

•      Avoid writing letters to the school about why your child should be with a certain friend or teacher. Conversation is the best way to go forward and the teacher can give you a fuller understanding of the best placement for your child. This means placing trust in the school. They understand so well the dynamics of a classroom.

•      As the term progresses, talk to your child about how they want to farewell the year at school. Perhaps writing letters to friends and teachers. It is a wonderful time to reflect on the year and to be grateful for all the positive things that have happened. This is all about teaching your child to be reflective and say farewell gracefully.

•      Parent teacher interviews will be important if the school holds them. Write down all the questions you have and bring along your child to the interview. It is a very successful way of formally thanking the teacher for the year spent with your child. It will also help you put closure on the school year which has had a very big impact on your life.

Enjoy the term it will be a busy one and it will go quickly. Just keep talking to your child about how they are feeling with regard to the closure of the class and the prospect of change. Affirm their great efforts of completing yet another school year. Their end of year feelings should be a mixture of excitement, anticipation with a little bit of expected anxiousness about the unknown. This is a healthy mix!

 Finally this quote from A. A. Milne is worth talking to your child about:

        ‘How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.’

              ‘What feels like the end is often the beginning.’

                                                                                           Unknown

Help your child to accept and enjoy their differences

As our children grow through various physical, intellectual, social and emotional stages, they are seeking out their identity and at times they feel dissatisfied with what they feel about themselves. Simply put, this is all about growing up and working out who you are in life.

One important aspect in the life of a child is their ability to identify with others, establish friendships and feel happy and fulfilled in the company of their friends. To this end sometimes a child loses some of their own identity to be part of the group. I would suggest that an important role for parents is to gently remind their children that they have a unique aspect to their personality and this can be embraced and should be celebrated.

This is all about teaching your child that they are different to other people and that this difference is what makes them special. It is about encouraging your child to like their differences and embrace them rather than absorbing them into some peer group image.

I appreciate that being part of a peer group and identifying with others is an important part of growing up. As a parent, there are a few strategies that you can use to help develop in your child a strong self-perception that can still sit comfortably alongside a sense of being part of a peer group.

 Consider:

• When you spot occasions where they demonstrate their uniqueness talk about it and discuss how it is such a positive aspect of your child’s personality. ‘I am so impressed at the way you care for your dog. You certainly are a compassionate and caring person. A great quality to have!’

• Your child’s teacher will know exactly how unique your child is and I am sure they can tell you some great stories about how they operate in class. Learn about these unique qualities and tell your child how proud you are to hear about their differences at school.

• From time to time you may have occasions to write notes to your child. This could be a Birthday card, Christmas card etc. Refer to their uniqueness and the special differences that you notice in your child. It is all positive reinforcement. Nothing is wasted in adding little reminders of their differences.

• Talk about when you notice how their differences have made an impact in some way to others. There is nothing more satisfying than recognising how a person’s differences can influence and help others.

• Sometimes talking about differences can set you apart from others. As a child matures, the more they understand that their differences make them who they are, the more they are inclined to value their uniqueness and like who they are becoming. Just keep gently and intermittently reinforcing that their differences are a gift.

• Talk about people that you know and respect, that shine by nature of their differences. I am sure your child can easily talk about their heroes and what makes them different.

• Your child can talk about their friends and they can easily identify what makes them stand out as different. This is worth a conversation at home from time to time. Children love a discussion about their friends.

• When you are having parent-teacher interviews, it is normal that your child attends. This is a perfect time to talk with your teacher about the wonderful differences your child has demonstrated across the year.

• Don't be anxious to repeat affirming your child’s uniqueness. It will really sink in and become an accepted part of the child’s character.

• Children use their observations to work out how to treat others and how others should treat them. We can support their developing observations by highlighting differences that are important in life.

When children notice differences between people, this is a time to talk about them and to highlight that differences make the world an interesting and colourful place. It is a time to dull the potential of bias and racism. It is a time to grow in the knowledge that difference makes the world go round.

                 ‘In diversity there is beauty and there is strength.’

                                                                                              -Maya Angelo

Keep smiling it works!

I have heard it said that your most powerful gift (or call it weapon) is your smile. It has such potential to change situations and it can turn opinions and attitudes quickly on their head. It is simply a warm expression which sends a message to the other person that all is well and I am feeling pleased.

This short article is to remind us that when situations become too difficult or everything becomes overwhelming, just try smiling. Apart from anything else, it naturally reduces immediate anxiety.

A child reads much into a smile. For them it is a comforting message and one which reassures them that you are pleased and happy with your child.  It says the world is a good place. This ongoing reassurance feeds into their feeling of being safe and secure and above all liked.

Here are some thoughts on the value of smiling.

• When you are having a down moment with your child and don’t quite know how to respond, just smile and leave it at that for a while.

• Reflect on each day and consider how often you smile at your child or any other situation that could bring a smile to your face. Children notice your responses to situations. Be a regular smiler, it has fringe benefits!

• Leaving happy smiley notes around the house or placed in your child’s lunchbox can be a spontaneous thought for the child of feeling positive.

• A smile sheds light on many situations. Even when you see a difficult situation is their scope for shedding some light and brightening the moment?

• Having family meals together is a great time to smile and have a laugh at some happy times during the day. A smile ejects positivism and is registered by your child that all is well.

• Try to see the bright side of life and this will automatically put a smile on your face. Children love to see that you have picked up on the bright side of any situation. Remember, keep the glass half full.

• Children smile a lot. It is generally natural for them to feel happy. Encourage that happy disposition and try not to dampen their positive feelings which come to the surface quite naturally.

• Talk about happy people that make you smile. This teaches a child that being happy is a valued disposition because they bring light into other people’s life.

• I remember that often children would ask me to be with teachers that were happy and smiled a lot. They knew that such a disposition would be the best learning environment for them. If the child is happy, the child learns.

• By smiling regularly, you are showing your child that being happy is a very good space in which to live. Smiling also has a way of drowning out those grumpy attitudes that can appear in family members. Smiles always win the day.

´Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available.’

                                                                                               - Jun Beggs

Finding a happy balance for your child

We all lead busy lives. Sometimes those lives can consume us and we build into them more and more activities, jobs, special events, etc. It is in fact that our society rewards doing more and demonstrating that if you are a busy person, it is seen as success.

Our culture rewards and respects being busy. Of course, there is nothing wrong with busy. I would however, be recommending that you become conscious of the balance that you put into the week and this of course will flow over into your child’s perception of how a week should look.

 Finding balance is a gift you can give yourself and especially a lifelong gift for your child. Some people are automatically drawn to putting balance into their lives, for many of us it is a struggle, especially when more seems better. Remember that if you teach your child to have balance between work, home, school, friends, etc. they will want that gift for the rest of their life. They will not be drawn to excessive demands and they will reflect on the various choices they are making that give them balance and make them feel happy. Here you are awakening their consciousness about being a happier person.

Once a balanced person always a balance person.

Here are some ideas to teach your child that balance is the best way to live out the daily, weekly, experiences. True balance is built on a solid foundation.

• Show your child how you plan the week. Discuss why some things are chosen and others discarded. If you enjoy your recreation time show them how this is an important part of the week, one which is not compromised.

• Keep a chart on the fridge which highlights the week’s activities. Talk about how some things must stay but others can go if the balance is to be maintained.

• When you make a decision to let something go even though it was important, talk to your child about that action. Tell them that life can be flexible and can adjust to make for a balanced week.

• Talk about how the school week is set up and how the lessons are planned so that a balanced curriculum is the order of the day. Children love routine and feel very comfortable knowing what is planned for the week. This is a chance to talk about balance in the school setting.

• If something important comes up with your child, discuss how it would sit with the rest of the week’s plan. Will other activities need to change to keep the balance? What’s in their control? What is it that tips the balance?

• Teach your child to reflect on themselves and how some busy situations can make them unsettled. Can they change that and do they really know their priorities? This is all about understanding that they are individuals and don’t always have to go with the flow.

• Teach them that not everything is under our control. They need to learn what is in their control and what is not under their control.

• Mindfulness talks about living in the moment. Perhaps teaching our children how to enjoy the moments and not focus on building busy changeable lives.

• Some things are worth holding onto and others maybe not so. Invite conversations about what is necessary and what is disposable. This is all about finding balance that is controllable.

• Cooking with your child is an excellent way to talk about balance and how the best comes from the balance of ingredients.

• Building rituals into your life helps to strengthen the notion of balance in life. A ritual or routine is familiar, comfortable, predictable, manageable and in your total control.

Above all, be open in discussion about how maintaining a balanced life is a wonderful ideal and that in your life you strive to set goals to be as balanced as possible. Sometimes we fail but our plan is to try to maintain a balance so that you live a happier day, week, month etc.

‘Teaching our children to live a quiet, sane and balanced life is one of the most important parental tasks of our day’

- Brent L Top

11 ways to help your child feel comfortable and adjusted to school life

There are many occasions in the life of the school where your child can feel unsettled and in some cases it can affect their learning. Social issues can be a big matter of concern for your child as well as feeling a sense of success in the classroom. To a large degree, your child will need to work through many of these issues themselves, but as a parent, there are strategies that can help them reduce the pressure.

School is a joint project between parent and child.

Here are some thoughts on how to ease your child’s stress when it comes to facing school.

• Be a parent who talks about school frequently. Make it part of your family conversation. Try to engage your child in conversations about school life and in no way put a sense of judgement on what they have to say. Let them talk freely so that you gauge how they feel about school and what is on their mind. Let them see how interested you are in their school life.

• Be present at school where possible. This may mean joining a committee or helping with the lunch orders. The more you are connected to the school, the safer your child will feel. You will have more in common with your child by having more to talk about at home.

• Have conversations with your child’s teacher on a regular basis. This does not mean having long protracted meetings but rather casual chats. This is another measure of reassurance for your child that you are in a healthy relationship with their teacher.

• Attend all the school events, especially their sports activities. This demonstrates that you are interested in your child and you are happy to be a participant in any form. Let them see that for you the school has much to offer.

• A child’s friends from school mean a lot to them. They provide emotional reassurance and warm feelings of being happily fulfilled. Invite them home and create an environment where home and school are fluid and all are welcome.

• Positive and supportive relationships in and around the school strengthen a child’s sense of security. They feel less threatened when things go wrong and are more inclined to talk to you about school problems.

• Talk positively in front of your child about the school, their teacher and the community. Children become confused when they hear negative talk about school matters or people at school.

• Celebrate the achievements of your child at school but also promote the school in general. Let your child know that it is an important educational institution that you are proud in which to have your child taught.

• If a problem develops and your child talks about a matter at school that is unsettling, listen carefully and together plan an approach that is fair and reasonable. Talking first to the teacher is a critical part of solving problems quickly. Teach your child that schools are just ordinary places where from time to time things can go wrong. Let them see how to solve the problem rather than moving away from it. Teach them to be resilient and deal with matters.

• For a child to be motivated and happy in school they will need to feel successful. You can help by reminding them of their successes and how impressed you are with the efforts and choices they make over the school weeks. Never underestimate how progressive affirmation reinforces happy feelings.

• Keep an eye on your child’s physical stature. Tired children are not happy at school. If they are unwell they also feel miserable at school and perform poorly. A hearty lunch with healthy food and of course a little treat sparks the child up after a morning session. How about leaving a reassuring note in their lunch box?

School should be an exciting environment where a child feels secure in their learning, successful in their social world and happy to be part of school life. They cannot do this in isolation given that their fundamental world spins around their well being in the family. They need you, the parent to join them in their quest to be happy and successful. They also hope that you will create a sense of excitement for this major milestone in their life, school.

‘The beautiful thing about learning is that no one can take it away from you.’

                                                                                         - B B King

How to help your child with reading

The power of learning to read is immense. It starts at an early age and once a child has the gift of reading their world increases immeasurably. The gift of reading means that the child’s world is wide open to all sorts of possibilities and without the ability to read their world shrinks to quite an intolerable state.       

9 Ways to help your child learn to read.

Let’s look at how you can help your child learn to read. It can be done in a  gentle way and through spontaneity.

• Early teaching is a good idea. Don’t wait until school starts. A child is curious about reading at a very early age. By helping them early to learn it shows your child that reading is a valuable tool that you want them to have access to as soon as possible.

• Reading to your child is a wonderful way of introducing reading. Here the child enjoys stories and comes to want to be able to take ownership of the art of reading for themselves. Keep books visible around the house. These can be books that they simply pick up and look through the illustrations and at some point they may start to mimic the way you read to them. At some point, they will learn to memorise the story. This is all healthy pre-reading skills. Enjoy the early stages of their learning to read and try not to correct them when they make a mistake. It is all about experimenting to read. It should all be seen as a successful project.

• Speaking to your child, using language is such a powerful tool in helping with reading. The more language they hear the more they retain words, expressions etc. and will apply them in their own attempts to read. Let them see and hear that you value language and use yourself to communicate effectively. Have fun with words and keep introducing new words slowly and steadily.

• As you talk to your child have them tell you a story. Let them use their imagination and make it up.  Write the story down and point to the words. They can have fun colouring them in. Here it is all about experimenting with the written words.

• Teach phonics. When you speak the child hears the whole word. Break a word up so they begin to hear the different sounds. For example, ‘dog’ is heard as a whole word. Start to break up the phonics say, D- O- G you can turn it into a game where your child starts to hear themselves sound out the word.

• Listen to your child read especially with books they bring home from school. It is acceptable to get them to reread sections in which they make mistakes. A child always wants to get it all right. They like to hear themselves read with fluency.

• Teach them that writing is an important part of literacy. Keep pencils and pens around the house. Let them sketch scenes and then copy words perhaps trace them and eventually they have a go at writing them. A great tool is to write simple notes to your child, think about including little notes in their lunch box or on their pillow. Write words around the house to label items. Here you are inviting them to read for meaning, Eventually, they want to send a note back and may attempt to write.

• Ask lots of questions when they read a story. Here you are strengthening their comprehension and encouraging them to be more inquiring about what they read.

• Reading should be a regular, happy part of family life. It should be celebrated and books should be discussed at home. Talk about how you enjoyed a book and ask your child what they are reading at the moment. Keep books alive in the family.

Your help in giving your child a vivid impression that reading is part of life will go a long way to their success in reading. Accept all their attempts to read and affirm their efforts. Take care not to criticise errors but rather help them make happy corrections. Above all nurture their interest in reading on a regular basis. Reading is a gift for life. 

‘Reading should not be presented to children as a chore, or duty. It should be offered as a gift.’

                                                         - Kate DeCamillo

Dealing with stress in children

Stress comes in all shapes and forms across childhood. Sometimes it is easy to move on from small matters other times it can be quite consuming for a child and very complex for a parent to manage. Either way stress in some form is part of all our lives.

Early man saw stress as a mechanism to survive. Once they recognised the degree of stress affecting their survival certain tactics were put in place to keep them alive. So we have been dealing with stress since the caveman era. It is almost part of our DNA.

Here are some suggestions on keeping stress levels at bay or at least contained in a manageable package. However, we recognise that stress factors operate around us all the time. Developing tactics to deal with them is the key.

 Consider:

• Getting enough sleep is so important for mental well-being. Check your child’s room. Is there adequate light reductions at night? Are they sleeping in a comfortable space that gives them several hours of uninterrupted sleep? Do they fall asleep quickly? What can you do to enrich their bedroom by inviting a better place for sleeping?

• We often talk about physical exercise that will lower anxiety. The more children enjoy physical activities, the happier the space they are in. Consider all the sports that are on offer. Joining a  team sport has immense befits for building personal stamina.

• When a stress factor comes into play talk it through with your child. Maybe it can be worked through simply. The more the talk, the greater the propensity for solving the stress. Keeping silent about it only adds to stress and sometimes exacerbates the problem.

• Fresh air and the outside environment is a wonderful distraction for stress. It is amazing how a walk through a park, a swim in a pool, a climb of a hill etc will take away the stress feeling. For children sometimes just a hit of the basketball in the yard is a great release.

• Some children like to journal their feelings. If this is the case provide plenty of paper and a pencil or a diary to write about their feelings. Remember that you are encouraging them still to talk about the content so that you can both work on the stress factors.

• Teachers will often encourage children to write about their feelings. It is recognised as a very legitimate way to express yourself.

• Encourage your child to see their stress as something they can manage. Teach them that dealing with little matters can keep away the bigger anxieties. Set up a home environment that is open and invites children to talk about stress. By listening to them and not judging their worries they are more inclined to feel they can open up a conversation about anxious feelings.

• A major source of stress can be school. Keep an open mind about school matters and ask your child open-ended questions like:

                ‘I wonder how school went today?’

                ‘School can be tricky at times. I remember when I had some issues to think about’.

• Avoid using the dreaded basic question,

                ‘What happened at school today?’

        Expect the answer:                 

                ‘Nothing.’

• Keep an eye on the amount of stress that your child is displaying. For example monitor more carefully:

1.  changed eating habits,

2.  neglecting regular duties

3.  heightened irritability.

4.  increased defiance

5.  letting go of friends

6. outbursts of irrational anger

• When you think it is not manageable for a simple chat, time to take action and start with a conversation at school with the teacher. Much is revealed from such conversations.

• Be astute and when you can avoid a stressful situation with your child avoid it. Less confrontation and reducing anxiety is the better option. To avoid stress is a proactive way of dealing with it.

Finally, we understand that we live in an environment that can trigger stress in our children. Our role as parents is to simply demonstrate the wisdom to be present and helpful with our children by effective listening. Be prepared, this sometimes means compromises on yourselves.

         ‘Courage is not the absence of fear but doing something in spite of fear.’

                                                                                -Unknown

How to understand how friendship works with your child

We all like to have friendships. In fact, being social and engaging happily with friends is necessary for your personal well being and they say a happy, long life.

As your child grows they begin to understand that being alone is not for them. They need special friends in their life. You could say that forming friends is an important part of their social and emotional growth. It is slow and steady growth. It goes through all sorts of trials and errors over the years in search of true, stable and trusting friendship.

During that time a child learns often the hard way what really defines a friend and it is our job as parents to gently ease them through this process. It is not our role to choose friends for them or to simply approve of the ones we like. Remember it is their exploratory journey to find out what best kind of friendship works for them.

Consider helping them in the following ways:

• Remember they are your child’s friends and not yours. Take care not to be too intrusive with your child when they engage with their friends.

• Take care not to influence your child in schooling friends. They need to own the choices and yes this may come with some sadness when the friendship breaks up but it is their journey.

• A child feels sad when they have lost a friend. Talk about what they have learnt form the experience. Take care never to give lectures about what you see as friendship.

• Sometimes you may not like the child that your child has chosen as a friend. This can be difficult especially if you have a good reason why the friendship is unsuitable. Talk gently with your child discussing some concerns you may have using an ‘I’ statement, but be careful to let the child decide what is best for them.

• Friendships can come in all shapes and sizes. They can be formed for a purpose or simply for social pleasure, giving your child varied opportunities to find friends. Joining sports teams, clubs, caravan parks etc are great ways for your child to mix with different children with different life experiences.

• Be open to inviting your child’s friends home for a play. This is a great way of letting your child know that you trust their judgements and that home is a welcome place for their important visitors.

• When inviting children to your child’s birthday party be inclusive by not isolating children from the class list.  Have seen many sad children when they were deliberately excluded and it caused much hurt. It also is a way of being generous and sharing your child’s happy moments with many children.

• Take care not to probe your child when they are feeling down about a friendship loss. Let them come to you and chat. The more we question the more sad they feel that they have let you down or been the one at fault.

• Don’t forget to talk to your child’s teacher if a friendship issue has come up and caused some unsettled feelings. Teachers are very astute about their student’s relationships and can give good counsel when needed. A check-in with the teacher is often a good idea especially if your child finds forming friends difficult.

• Remember that forming friends is a natural process of growth in a child and they will be in and out of relationships for some time. Don't demonstrate to your child that you are disappointed by the shifts and swings with friends. They need to experiment with relationships until they can clearly define what makes a true friend for them.

Friendships for our children can form at any time as they grow up. They will have a much better chance of forming their own deep and meaningful friends if we simply walk with them through the journey of discovery, understanding that is has some tricky paths from time to time.

‘A best friend reaches for your hand and touches your heart’

Unknown

Respecting different values

We all cling to our values and beliefs. This is what makes us so definable. We are without realising it passing on many values to our children all the time. It can be as simple as how you dress to whether tidiness is important in your family. Of course, there are more serious values such as racist viewpoints, and religious values. Political opinions etc can be a powerful statement of who you are and how you stand in the current world.

Little by little as you walk and talk with your child over the years your values are clearly laid out to them like a tapestry of life opinions. Every family has their own unique way of telling their story and passing on ideas and values to their children.

There is a challenge in this for us as parents. We may have strong values but are we open enough to talk to our children about the importance of respecting other values? They certainly will be exposed to this at school and as they mature they will begin to question and challenge even some of your most precious values.

The best way to ensure that your child understands your perspectives and is more likely to maintain valuing them is to be respectful of other's views and values.

 Consider: 

• When your child talks about how other families value certain habits etc. be positive and say that everyone has opinions and chooses to make choices to live by. In my case, I prefer to live my way and this satisfies me.

• If your child wants to talk about how other families do things differently, have an open conversation and listen to the opinions they are forming. Affirm their observation but gently state your values.

• Discuss from time to time how values can differ and how having an open conversation about it is important.

• Are you open to changing your values? Your child will grow and start to reflect on how they see their life forming. Sometimes this can challenge us to rethink our values and this can be a good thing. Here you show your child your open-mindedness and appetite to grow emotionally.

• Talk about how in your friendship circle there may be people who share different values and yet you enjoy their company. Let your child know that you do not have a closed mind and you accept differences comfortably.

• If you have values that you cherish, ensure that you consistently live by them as your child will respect you more when they see your consistency in living by your word. They will also look to see that such values actually make you happy.

• The school you have chosen for your child will present their own set of values. Take care that you share them with your child so that they feel that they are in a safe and trusting environment valued by their parents. A child becomes confused when they see conflicting values between school and home.

Finally, your presence in the life of your child is a massive imprint on their mindset where your values are laid squarely in front of them to either adopt, modify or erase. As a parent show your tolerance and acceptance that values can vary and that people make choices that you may find unacceptable by your standards. By respecting their right to exist, your child will see you as a fair and reasonable person whose values just might be worth adopting for a lifetime, with some adaptation of course!

‘Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.’

                                                                            Dalai Lama

The art of bringing happiness to your child

We are always seeking and wanting our children to have a happy life. It’s a natural instinct as a parent to embrace happiness for our children. Of course life comes in all forms and challenges will bring failures, distress, unhappiness and unwelcome surprises to a child’s life. Managing your way through that maze is part of the role of parenting. It also builds character and strengthens a child’s emotional reserve.

Here are a few thoughts that I have reached from my experiences with children that may help build a child's level of happiness.

 Consider:

• The first thought is that a happy parent makes for a happy child. Children will reflect your mood and sense of well being. Having the presence of a happy parent around is a strong indication to the child that the world is all well.

• Keep encouraging persistence and effort. You are not rewarding perfection but you value the journey a child makes in their efforts to do well. Frequent affirmations around the efforts they make keeps the momentum going and shows the child that it is all about the ongoing contributions and not a perfect result.

• By your own modelling teach them how to make friends. Show them how best you do this and what skills you need such as listening effectively, empathy, patience, humour etc. Your example will go a long way in teaching them how to build and sustain relationships.

• See the optimistic approach to life. Find the positive in situations and when your child focuses on the negative, see the glass as half full. An optimistic approach attracts people and builds a strong happiness component.

• We are working on building emotional intelligence in our children. This means that you should show them an intelligent approach to situations rather than using anxiety and reaction to deal with situations. Talk through with them their problems looking at a mature approach to solving matters. Of course how you personally demonstrate emotional responses to situations will teach your child, the best way possible.

• Encourage self discipline. This can be done through insisting on finishing projects, completing jobs etc. Perhaps encourage children to wait for special treats rather than have everything instantly.

• Be active as a family. Physical fitness and keeping engaged in activities such as sport give so much joy and feeling of self worth to growing children.

• Allow failure into the life of your child. They need to learn that failure is part of life and we can learn form such experiences. This means not immediately trying to bail them out of trouble or solving their problems for them.

• Slowly give your child progressive independence. Reward them with it when they demonstrate that they can be trusted. Feeling independent is a life giving experience and can be a significant growth curve for a child.

• Keep play alive in your family. No matter what age everyone enjoys playing together. Find new and different ways of keeping play alive in your family.

 A happy child is one that feels secure and has strong supports around them that intelligently allow the child to grow in an environment that is open, engaging and inclusive. As parents we try our best and the human side of us sometimes fails to hit the right mark. Good I say as after all we teach our children to be human.

                ‘Sometimes we forget that parenting like love, is a verb.’

                                                   - Jessica Joelle  Alexander

A little bit of gratefulness goes along way

There are many words for it such as gratitude, thankfulness, appreciation and just thanks. Gratitude sometimes comes automatically, but it is a wonderful gift to give to your children. It can be taught and in this way, a child learns the value of using it.

Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences and generally it improves one’s health. It is a power tool for building strong and trusting relationships. What a powerhouse of a gift to give to your child.

Research tell us that grateful children tend to be much happier in themselves, more optimistic and have better social support from their peers. Grateful teenagers appear more at peace with their lives and are more engaged in school work, community and perform better at school.

 The following thoughts help us think about how we can help our children develop the value of gratefulness.

• Simply show a lot of gratitude in your own life. Be specific. Talk about things that make you grateful throughout the day.  A child learns from hearing about your own happy experiences.

• Point out when you notice others showing gratitude. It could be someone in the family or a friend etc. The more examples, the better.

• Talk about famous people valued for their humble and grateful way of living. Why do people value them?

• Acts of gratitude can be used to make amends, apologise and help solve problems. Demonstrate some time in your life that through being grateful the situation simply improved.

• A wonderful activity in class is to ask children each day to write down three things for which they are grateful. This could be a fun activity to do at home. Some children may enjoy writing in a grateful journal.

• Get into the habit of using simple thank yous and pleasantries as often as possible in the presence of your child.

• Don't do everything for them. They will appreciate things more if they have jobs and responsibilities. If you take them away from your child there is a selfishness that will creep in to a child’s personality.

• Being grateful reduces stress and improves self esteem. When you feel better by demonstrating gratefulness, talk to your child about how good it makes you feel.

• Consider doing good will projects with your child. This is an excellent way to do something positive and helpful with your child. It is also a chance to talk about how this gives you pleasure to help others. Good modelling always runs off!

• Think about various ways you as a family can be generous. How about donating toys, clothes etc. All this demonstrates how thinking of others is an important value in your family.

• Consider sending thank you notes and asking your child to join in. This can be a special time talking about the words to use and why such words are important.

Finally, developing gratitude in children will take time. Your modelling and finding opportunities where your child can demonstrate gratitude will reap benefits in the longer term. Your child will grow, see and feel the advantages in being a grateful person as their years progress.

‘The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.’

                                             
                                                                                 -William James

Finding ways to help a child’s anxiety

Anxiety is the feeling where we worry, we feel anxious and we can have a sense of dread. It can come in different forms and with different intensities. Children can have it in different forms and we can expect to see it from time to time in children as they go through various challenging stages in their life.

Here are a few ideas to help cope with the anxiety that can interfere with normal life and limit a child's ability to get on with their day to day experiences. If left for too long it can become quite serious.

• Be prepared. Understand that every child will have anxious moments and you are there ready to listen and understand that for the child it needs to be respected and treated sensitively.

• Keep active. A child that is busy with sport, outside activities after school enjoys games etc. can easily be distracted and taken away from those anxious moments. Also a child can learn that spontaneously taking on some activity can easily reduce bouts of stress.

• Listen with intent. When a child feels anxious try not to question them. ‘Why are you sad?’ Put it another way.

               ‘Something has upset you. I wonder what that is?’

Probing the child to find out what is upsetting them may cause them to shut down and you are left with silence. No one enjoys probing questions when feeling poorly emotionally.

• Allow space. Sometimes when a child is upset or has developed anxiety about something try to give them space and not over-talk or over-direct them. To some degree it is important that they have time to process their worries and to work through some solutions for themselves. Silence can be a useful tool.

• Don’t be surprised that your child does not hear you when they are experiencing some anxiety. I found quite often that children who experience some shock or sudden anxiety block out everything around them as a way of coping for a while. If this happens allow your child some time before you set any expectations on them such as having a conversation.

• Teach your child the art of deep breathing. Practise it together. This is a great way of learning about relaxation. Also, there are some beautiful relaxation tapes. Ask your child to choose one that they can listen to at night to help them sleep.

• Children also love their own contemporary music. They can destress listening to their kind of music. Allow their music around the house and not just restrict it to their room.

• For younger children drawing, singing, dancing and painting are all enjoyable distractions from worrying about problems. Is your home inviting to all these activities?

• Encourage your child to talk about their anxieties. Make it part of your family culture where anxiety is discussed openly. It is best out and boldly in the open. If a child feels comfortable in talking about their anxieties and they are being acknowledged, they have somewhere to go with them. As a model, you too can talk about your anxieties and how you deal with them. In this way we make anxieties just a normal part of our family experiences.

• Once your child talks about some anxiety discuss with them about setting small goals working towards real change. For example, if your child is anxious about talking in front of the class, your first goal could be for them to talk in front of the family.

• Teach your child positive self-talk. When they talk about an anxious situation talk up how you can make it positive.

               ‘I know I can do it.’ ‘I can swim the length of the pool.’ ‘I will do it.’

• Affirmation is especially important when they overcome some anxiety:

                ‘I am so impressed that you went in that competition. Bravo.’

• Children who suffer from anxiety need the stability of routine and discipline to give them security. Also having family meals together and providing plenty of happy family times makes them feel safe and secure.

• There is nothing more off putting for anxiety than laughter, joy and a sense of connection to others.

• Finally, try hard to manage your own anxiety and be open with your child telling them how you managed it and what tools you used to overcome your anxiety. Make anxiety a normal part of getting on with life.

 Don’t underestimate the value of doing nothing, of just going along, listening to all things you can’t hear and not bothering.’

                                                                                    -Winnie the Pooh

Let’s talk about some advantages of boredom

We have always been encouraged to chase boredom away as it is a sign of inactivity and sometimes can be linked to developing laziness.

Let’s start thinking that sometimes boredom can be a necessary and useful part of our life and well-being. It is an emotion that research is now saying is necessary in some way for our health.

With children, we fear inactivity and believe that boredom will make them disengaged from the real world. Therefore, it is common practice as parents to fill their days with busy activities and to keep their minds active with sports, hobbies, etc. There is something we now know for simply sitting alone with your thoughts and feelings.  The question that modern studies are posing:

        ‘Is there a problem with nothing happening as opposed to having things happen all the time?’

• Teachers know well that when there is an overload of activities, work demands etc., in the classroom just having some time to sit and do what you like or not is important for balance. In such a free space, children can or may choose not to do anything. They are allowed well being space which is interpreted by them to suit themselves. No judgement is placed on how they use that time.

• Consider giving your child some down time that is all their own and allow them the mental freedom to simply be. Set no expectations other than it’s a time to unwind without technology television etc.

• Turn off the television one night and just let your child entertain themselves before bed. Being locked in their own thoughts is not a bad thing. It gives them time to simply think.

• Consider watching the grass grow with your children. Nature walks are great for this. Feel the sensations of wind and heat on your face and talk about the sights and sounds around you. Simply being silent in such a space also has its advantages. Let the silence in and feel the difference.

• Sometimes just a wander around the shops with your child merely looking and being curious, letting your imagination roll on is valuable idle time.

• We know that walking has such physical benefits but it also has mental benefits. Encourage your child to enjoy walks. Also riding their bikes, skating etc are great times for wandering thoughts.

• Listening to music is an easy one for a child.  Encourage them to listen to their music sometimes with headsets and sometimes just as background music. Idle thoughts and concepts sometimes cross your mind in listening to music.

• Doodling is another idle activity but one where thoughts wander and the brain is not having heavy expectations placed on it. Children love to doodle and to think simple thoughts with no expectations placed on them. This can be such a creative time.

• Art activities such as play dough, sandpits, baking etc. are all times where a child can simply be without expectations placed on them. From such idleness comes new thoughts and dreams.

• When your child says that they are bored use some of these occasions to suggest just having a quiet time with no real plan for a little while. Encourage a little of this from time to time.

If we use boredom as a wind down time, a time for just letting thoughts fly around, we will be surprised at the creative thinking that goes on in our head. We can reflect on matters that perhaps we have not thought of for a while.

Be a little like Einstein loaf around in your head and see what grows from that.

 ‘If you want freedom you have to come to terms with being okay in the now doing nothing.’

                                                                                - Doug Duncan

How to get the best from your child’s teacher

We all know that building a strong relationship with your child’s teacher is the best way to support your child across a long school year. The teacher has five hours a day across forty weeks with your child and this is such a critical time in their development, physically, socially, emotionally and intellectually. It, therefore, makes sense that as a parent you feel confident and that you are in a solid relationship with your child’s teacher.    

Here are some important messages that will help build and ensure you maintain that relationship:

 Consider:

• Firstly, the teacher needs to feel that they are respected for their work. In today’s world of high order criticism, teachers are easy targets and yet their work and contribution to the life of children is vitally important.

• Let your teacher know that you respect the pressure they are under as teachers are accountable to higher authorities, policy documents, etc. Sometimes decisions made are out of their hands can be confusing and misleading for some parents.

• Take care that when you are unsettled about some matter concerning your child at school do not talk about it unfavourably in front of the child. Talk to your teacher first. Children can get very confused when they hear parents being critical of their teacher with whom they build so much trust and respect.

• Keep an eye out for notes, emails etc that come from the school. The better you are informed, the happier your child is that you are valuing their school life. Schools are big informers so keep an eye out for regular correspondence.

• From time to time your child’s teacher may call you up to discuss disciplinary action for your child. Listen carefully to what they have to say and do not react in a way that down plays the teacher’s action.  Have a mature discussion about the matter and try to support the teacher’s actions. This is certainly a way of showing respect for them.

• Family situations keep changing. Make sure that you keep the teacher abreast of any new information that may affect the child’s school. Teachers are quick to pick up an emotional change in the child. Sometimes they may approach you with concerns.

• When you do have an issue always show respect for the teacher and talk to them first. Going to the Principal first only complicates the matter as the principal will talk to the teacher and generally refer the issue back to them.

• If you are unhappy with school policies, rules and regulations remember that these have not come from your teacher. They come from Parent Bodies, Education Department rules and the whole school staff. Best to talk to the Principal when concerned rather than thrashing out the issue with the teacher. Their role is specifically the teaching and care of your child.

• Take care not to write long winded emails to your teacher. Often what you need to say can be said simply or spoken to the teacher. Emails should be written with care and not used as a vehicle to be offensive. This may sound harsh but sadly I have seen many such emails which have only led to deterioration of relationship with teacher and school.  Parents have a better chance of being heard when they are calm and responsibly talk about their concerns. This is also an important example to give our children.

Finally, there is so much enjoyment for a parent to be happily engaged with the school. Also your child feels more content when they see how interested and involved you are in their school life. In my experience, parental support is a driving force for all the staff and school community. Everyone benefits.

                      ‘Schools are great places for all the family’

                                                                          -Gail Smith

How useful are questions when talking to children?

Do you ever get frustrated when asking questions to your child? Do you get the yes, no answers which give you little information but they certainly make it an easy reply for the child?

If you are seeking information from your child, consider the question you ask. There are two types of questions. One is the closed question. This leads to receiving a specific answer. The answer will be very short. Often a yes, no, maybe. A closed question is phrased such as:

‘Would you like some lunch?’

‘Is school on today?’

‘Are you upset?’

Notice that one-word answers don’t give you much information but of course serve a purpose. Some children wait for more questions but others are satisfied that at least they answered. This can be frustrating for a parent who is seeking more information.

Open questions on the other hand give a child plenty of scope in how they answer them. They are a chance to talk more about feelings and attitudes regarding different matters.

 Consider the open question:

          ‘Tell me about school today?’

‘How do you feel about having lunch early?’

‘Can you tell me about the maths test you had today?’

‘What is it like having a new teacher?’

These questions give a child plenty of scope in answering you and they offer more of an understanding of the situation. They are rich in information. They are a chance to have a real conversation and to understand much quicker if there are underlying problems.

 With open-ended questions take care to:

• Use them carefully. A child may give you a lot of information and you need to respect the information and not attack the generous answer.

• Often an open-ended question may lead into other open-ended questions. This requires good reflective listening on the part of the adult.

• Try to avoid following on with ‘why’ questions. They are clumsy and often shut down a child from talking.

• Try not to use open-ended questions to simply satisfy your curiosity. They do invite a child to talk more and we need to respect what they have to say.

• Remember that open-ended questions will continue to be useful if not used all the time. Sometimes a simple closed question gives you all the information you may need.

• Be prepared that a child may disclose more of their emotions in answering an open-ended question and this will mean that you need to be prepared to pick up on this.

• If you are not in a good position to listen to the answer of an open needed question wait until you have more time to focus on the child.

Finally, asking questions should not become a game especially when you become more skilful in using open-ended questions.  Teachers often reflect on the mood and temper of a child before asking questions as they know the best response will come when the child is ready to talk. As parents, we work with our children on the run. This can sometimes cause us to stumble when talking to our children. Probing questions are often used when in a hurry for information. They are the least effective. Choose your times wisely when wanting to ask questions. This is more satisfying for both you and the child.

‘I don’t pretend we have all the answers. But the questions are worth thinking about.’

                                                         - Arthur Clarke

Accepting limitations and strengths for a child

We often talk about the importance of focussing on a child’s strengths. Some call these gifts, others refer to them as potentialities.

In encouraging and supporting a child’s strengths it is also valid to help them understand that we all have limitations and sometimes there will be others who perform much better than ourselves. This can be quite an awakening for some children. Teachers work skilfully in classes to highlight children’s strengths and also to learn about understanding their limitations.

A very young child at an egocentric stage, struggle with understanding that others can be better. With development and more self-awareness, they begin to start accepting themselves for who they are and recognising the bigger world around them.

Consider:

• Praise your child when they show strengths. In the same way affirm other children when you notice that they are performing well. Children need to understand that others can do well and outperform them. It is important to publicly acknowledge their strengths.

• Be specific when you affirm them. Tell them exactly why you admire some strength that they show.

‘I am so impressed in the way you play as a team member. You share the ball and act as great support for all the members of the team.’

• When you talk to your child about limitations it is done in such a way that improvement is possible but we cannot be good at everything.

‘I can see how hard you try when you skip with your rope. Practice helps to make things better. Good luck.’

Here you acknowledge the effort but don’t put unrealistic expectations on them when you can see that they are struggling.

• As a family talk about some of the great sports people, scientists etc. that have worked hard and succeeded and sometimes talked about their own limitations.

• As the child grows to feel stronger and more in control of themselves, it is good if they can congratulate others who show greater aptitude than themselves in certain areas. This is called developing an emotional maturity.

• With several siblings in the family there can be naturally rivalry and some petty jealousy about a sibling that does better than them. This is an excellent chance to build stamina in that child and encourage them to appreciate their sibling through their successes.

• Keep the balance. Never focus too much on limitations but certainly keep alive all the wonderful strengths you notice from politeness to generosity and achievements.

It is all about the child growing to feel OK about their limitations and to understand that it is a natural part of life to have strengths and limitations. Once they can see how natural it is they have reached a very emotionally mature approach and will be well acknowledged by others for thinking in such a way.

‘It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.’

-Ann Landers