The importance of the child feeling safe
Children have a right to feel safe. The importance of feeling safe is critical to a healthy society and mental health. Small steps can be used to help your child feel safe and secure and small things can make them feel unsafe, even in their own home. Read here for some parenting tips and considerations.
The right to feel safe are popular words used by many aspects of society today. The importance of feeling safe is critical to a healthy society. It has particular importance for a child as their fragility and reliance on adults means that trusting the individual is critical for their mental stability and emotional sense of security as they are growing up.
For a child to feel safe in the hands of their parents there are many areas of safety to consider. Here are some that hopefully invite thoughts for parents.
Consider:
The safety of using good language is very important. Do we speak well to our children and not use words that can be a put down to a child? Name-calling and abusive use of language around children can leave a lasting memory. It is a powerful tool that can be used for good or evil.
A child feels safe in their home when they know that their parents look after them and nurture their needs especially when it comes to food, shelter and comfort. It is amazing how important their personal space and safe places like their bedroom are to them.
A child needs to play and they feel safe when they can play comfortably and uninterrupted with their toys, games etc. Consider the positioning of such items around the house.
Consider also safety when you plan holidays etc. I appreciate that planning such events is cumbersome, but give an extra thought to how your child will move around the holidays and with whom they will be associating. A child who is unfamiliar with new spaces has little skill in managing themselves when out of control or anxious.
In keeping your child well informed about what is happening in the family, you reduce their anxiety and the trust they place in you makes them feel safer. A child who feels that they do not have the true facts can become quite insecure.
Another form of safety is controlling the social media they are exposed to and television. As the child grows more independent in using such material your control can and will lessen. You need to be ahead of the game and talking to the school, looking at safety websites etc.is necessary. Ensure your child knows that you will be monitoring their use of technology for their own safety.
As an important and crucial model for your child by living your life happily will make your child feel safer. Research has proven time and time again that happy and well-adjusted parents make the child feel secure.
Also, the child should feel safe in making disclosures to you about serious matters in their life. They will do this if they have the confidence that you will handle their information well and not overreact. They need to feel safe that the information given will be treated well and there will be no surprises to your reaction. This is quite a big concern for a child who wants to disclose but must also feel safe enough to talk about it.
Consider that a child also needs you to be confidential about special things they tell you that are personal and important to them. They feel quite let down when they hear you talking to others about matters that should be just between you and your child. That intimacy is precious between yourself and the child.
Ultimately, the more the child trusts you and feels that you are an authentic and confidential person, the more they will feel safe in the love and care of their family through their growing years.
‘If children feel safe, they can take risks, ask questions, make mistakes, learn to trust, share their feelings and grow.’
- Alfie Kohn
The importance of simply reflecting on what a child has to say
Children can come out with all sorts of negative comments, but tt is all about really listening to the child and picking up what is the real bottom line of the problem, especially the feelings. It's important to reflect on what a child has to say and really listen.
This is all about reflecting back to the child what the child has said to you, the parent. It is all about paraphrasing what has been said, picking out the most important content details of what has been said by the child. The parent then talks back to the child expressing what the child has said and giving reassurance to the child that they actually heard the essence of what they were saying. The parent can pick up on the emotional aspects to the child’s conversation.
Child: ‘I hate it when my friend won’t play with me.’
Parent: ‘You are upset if they do not play with you and you feel hurt.’
It is all about really listening to the child and picking up what is the real bottom line of the problem, especially the feelings.
Reflecting on what a child says is not:
Using the information to lecture the child.
Correcting the child’s information.
Expressing an opinion on what the child says.
It is actually:
Listening without questioning the content.
Holding off on having opinions on what they say.
Being neutral and getting to the essence of their hurt.
Simply listening and not interrupting.
It is about respecting their pain.
Keep in your mind some feeling words that come in handy when reflecting back how your child felt. Words such as;
Happy, sad, angry confused, disappointed, surprised frightened helpless, insecure.
For example: ‘You seem unhappy that your friend left the school.’
Reflection of feelings is used extensively in counselling situations but it is also a very useful tool for a parent to let their child know that they heard their pain.
‘The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.’
Peggy O’ Mara
Set small goals to set success.
It is well known that success breeds success and the more a child feels capable and experiences success they quickly build their confidence which feeds into more success. A child’s daily experiences can help build confidence and encourage further achievement if they are more likely to try new things.
Encourage your child to develop successful habits. It is well known that success breeds success and the more a child feels capable and experiences success they quickly build their confidence which feeds into more success.
Teachers know that when a child gains a sense of success and achievement they are generally happier and more inclined to take a risk and to not worry when they make a mistake. Once they feel capable of success and have demonstrated it to themselves, taking risks is a comfortable process and they’re not worried about making mistakes as their emotional stamina is strong enough to deal with failure.
Attract success. A child should have regular incidences of success both at home and at school. They can be intermittent but they come as part of the child’s daily experiences. Remember ongoing success continues to feed into that sense of well being.
Do you notice how often in small ways your child is successful and if so do you acknowledge it? For example, when your child learns to skip, do headstands, write sentences correctly, play fairly and well in a sports team etc. these are successful occasions. There are many occasions to show how they are successful. These are small incremental steps but build a body of success.
Tell your child that they have had a success when you notice it and talk about the positive feeling associated:
‘You must be so pleased with yourself that you can now get your pen license from school. Well done. What a success.’
A wise person looks to achieve goals that are within grasp. It is all about not sabotaging your sense of possible success. It is about being realistic. You can help your child choose goals that are within reason. Certainly no harm in stretching their thinking but take care that they are not setting unrealistic expectations doomed for failure.
A child who goes after smaller and more regular goals begins to feel very confident and will wisely choose goals that take them a step ahead.
Think about how a child learns to walk. Through trial and error they learn and gradually they push themselves a little harder. What joy for them and everyone when they finally walk. Something drives them to keep going as they move from crawling to sitting up, etc.
Working towards a goal should be a happy experience and should not come with too much stress and anxiety. Too much pressure on a child will make the goal too unreachable and unjustifiably a child will feel a failure. Small steady chunks to achieve reasonable goals is the best way forward.
Teach your child that celebrating success is important along the way. Make it a family habit to regularly talk about the small successes that your child makes. Be noisy about it and it will appear an expected and natural part of life.
Setting a goal that is a long way away means that you need to help your child take small steps to get there. For example, their goal is to learn how to sew and they want to make a dress. You will take small steps in teaching them and applaud the small improvements along the way. So much to learn but with increased knowledge and experience on the sewing machine the final garment is a product of great pride and success.
Finally, be observant and notice those small, incidental, successful steps your child takes and they will do the rest!
‘Success is not final, failure is not fatal:
It is the courage to continue that counts.’
-Winston Churchill
Is your child comparing themselves to others?
A child is always on the go developing their sense of self-worth and building foundations that reassure them of their worthiness. They don't need to focus on others around them who are doing better or who perceive to be more successful. Read here for some suggestions to help you work with your child in offsetting unfortunate comparisons and how to build their self-esteem.
When we start to compare ourselves unfavourably with others it becomes obvious that we are lacking in self-confidence. Comparing ourselves to others can be all about how we look, how happier others are or perhaps how more successful people are around us. We notice the differences and we become unhappy or dissatisfied with ourselves.
A child is always on the go developing their sense of self-worth and building foundations that reassure them of their worthiness. They do not need to focus on others around them who are doing better or who perceive to be more successful. Finding the grass greener on someone else’s turf or forgetting about your own strengths is a forerunner to ongoing doubt and failure. There is simply nothing going for judging yourself against others.
Such negativism also destroys your beauty within and others see the bitterness and stagnation that can creep into your life. It can be given the name, resentment.
There are many influences that can cause us to compare with others.
Advertising invites us to compare and buy the best. Social media is all about creating perfect images that we would all like to be. Consider all the growing businesses for plastic surgery that will change the way we look and create someone else’s image that would make us feel better!
Body image is a massive area for children in which to take control. We think about how fat or slim we are compared to what society thinks is beautiful. We tend to relate body image to self-esteem. For a child this can be a concern as they become quite anxious about what others think about them. Unfortunately, as the child grows they see that many people judge others by what they wear, what they say and how they portray an image. To fit into a child’s social world, they may think they need to change to feel good about themselves. We know this as group pressure.
We need to teach our children to love their own body, no matter what shape, size or colour it comes in. It is their business and they need to be happy with themselves. We reinforce these concepts by demonstrating ourselves how we treat our body and how we see beauty in many forms and not the prescribed view of beauty through social media etc. If we want change we introduce change driven by our own desires and not controlled by media hype. This is such an important message to give our children.
Here are some suggestions to help you work with your child in offsetting unfortunate comparisons.
Encourage your child to think of others and applaud their efforts. Be the person who affirms others successes and talks about their achievements. It is a mature and sometimes brave act to celebrate other people’s achievements as it demonstrates that you care about others. It is also a mature chance to learn from them. What can you take from their success story that will be helpful to you?
Remember to teach your child to be self-encouraging. They need to learn that they can be great motivators for themselves. Talk about some great self-motivators such as Ash Barty whose self-discipline comes from her self talk which is so positive. Also, teach your child to think about what they are good at. Get them to write it down and talk about it quite often as a family. Naming the good stuff is so valuable and seeing it written is more inspirational.
Often people that look confident are confident. Once people see you being more sure of yourself they pay more attention to you. Once a child sees that others see them as confident it tends to feed off itself.
Take care that we avoid negative self-talk when something goes wrong. It is easy to self-blame and call yourself dumb or stupid. When your self-talk is positive you are giving yourself permission to be successful and it works!
We need to teach our children to simply be the best they can be and this will be and should be enough. You applaud their effort to improve but above all their expectations are enough. Often we become anxious about what we are not, rather than having confidence in who we are and what we have to offer. We need to value what we have to offer. Reinforce with your child how happy you are simply with them and you would expect nothing else.
Tell them: I love your uniqueness.
“I appreciate your generosity.”
“I can see your thoughtfulness.”
Name and claim these individual traits in a loud voice that make your child the very best.
Finally, it is not an easy task helping your child overcome the temptation to compare but nonetheless you are instrumental in creating and building a very positive self-image of your child that acts as a strong foundational tool in building self-worth and positive well-being into their future.
‘Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you’re born to stand out.’
-Oliver James
Learn to complete things - an important lesson for our children
Not completing things is a form of self sabotage where you may get bored easily and literally stop short of being successful. It can be very habit forming and a way of dealing with things that just seem too hard. Sound familiar? We are all guilty of it, but we can play a role in teaching children how to follow through and make decisions to commit and see something through.
Not completing things is a form of self sabotage where you may get bored easily and literally stop short of being successful. It can be very habit forming and a way of dealing with things that just seem too hard. It also means that you leave many loose ends that can make you feel quite unsatisfied. Giving up before reaching the finishing line is a sure way to defeat confidence and it repeats itself. Starting projects can seem exciting at the beginning, but ploughing through the hard stuff, often leads people to quickly give up. Now consider your child. How much easier is it for them to give up when it just seems too hard.
Consider:
If your child gets excited at the prospect off joining a sports team, tennis lessons, swimming club etc be prepared to talk through the length of the commitment as often children struggle to understand that there is a time frame that you must adhere to and honour your commitments.
Help your child with managing the commitment as there is often a waving off time when a child wants to pull out after the initial commencement of the program. Keep on talking to them about the positive outcome of completing and try to explore how obstacles can be removed from the path of completing the task.
Ensure that you do not have too many commitments on the go with your child. This makes it easier for them to pull out because of excessive demand. Smaller goals and less of them is more likely to be successfully completed.
Affirm your child when they demonstrate that they show commitment to some project. Applaud the endurance and effort and especially the celebration of completion. Teachers often issue certificates of completion as they understand this has merit to a child who will feel good about themselves seeing the certificate.
Being a completer of things shows that you are developing self discipline so demonstrate to your child how famous people with strong self discipline succeed. I immediately think of Ash Barty who has been a wonderful model to young Australians. Her recent retirement from her successful tennis career was all about completing her goal of winning the Australian Open. Once done, she now moves on to other goals.
Talk to your child of positive reasons for finishing tasks. This can be starting with small tasks. The more a child builds success from completion, the more perseverance they develop in keeping up with finishing projects.
Children will easily give up a task if they think it is not good enough. This starts from an early age where a child will walk away from a drawing, painting etc. Here we start the habit of teaching them that completing the work makes for success and it is all about having a go and completing the activity. Often a parent could give a young child a small reward for, demonstrating that they finished what they started. This is all about good conditioning from an early age, establishing patterns that are set for life.
Finally, nobody wants to stifle the enthusiasm of a child when they discover some passion or interest in a project they they would like to start. However, we do need to gently outline the lengths and parameters of what they are taking on to avoid disappointment and a sense of failure when incomplete. Perhaps we can find supportive ways to help them complete tasks and of course to affirm their ability to demonstrate completion. Nothing more satisfying then to complete tasks and I guess this is what we would like our children to feel.
Strengthening a child’s interest and endurance with reading
It can be a fine line between pushing the child to read and gently setting the scene to help them. Reading is vital in a child’s development and learning. Here’s some tips to encourage reading at home.
This can be a tricky area if you have a child who is reticent to read. In my experience, I have seen this behaviour more in boys than girls and therefore a parent must connect to a child’s interest in reading to help them become more of a motivated reader. It can be a fine line between pushing the child to read and gently setting the scene to help them.
Consider;
Generally, children will not read without some purpose in mind. As a parent talk about what they are reading and why they may be enjoying it. Never question or make a judgement on whether it is a magazine, novel, cartoon series etc. you are just talking about what makes them want to read it.
The family can play a big part in encouraging reading. Some families read a novel after dinner together. Some ask older siblings to read to younger ones. Some children look forward to bed reading with a parent. There are many shades of a family reading together and as long as reading is seen as an important icon and is a regular part of the week, the message is clear. Reading is here to stay.
With younger children reading aloud is valuable and children enjoy the family experience of reading and sharing the story together. Repeating the same books over and over again is very acceptable as it shows how enriching the story is and the heightened level of enjoyment. Sometimes young prereaders enjoy reciting the words of the story which is a great precursor to reading.
Talk to your child about where in the house is the best and most comfortable place to read. Keep the area away from distractions such as television and if the child likes to read in their bedroom until they are active highly engaged readers they can find many distractions in such a space. The environment must be conducive for reading with comfort.
Some families use dinner time to talk about the book they are readings. Talking about books keeps the interest alive in the home.
Don’t be perturbed by what the child chooses to read. They need to explore different reading material before they really discover what interests them.
Boys need encouragement and will often choose books that are cartoon based, or more inclined to be fact-driven. All of this is acceptable. The important point is to keep your boy engaged in the act of reading. Take care not to force books on them as this can cause a block to reading. Consider audio books as an option.
Don’t forget the importance of you, being a critical model. The more you demonstrate a love for reading you are giving your child a clear message that reading enriches your life and it is a force of great joy.
Ensure easy access to books. Perhaps regular trips to the library or simply leaving easy reads around the house. Consider downloading free e books for your child.
The child should feel happy and willing to choose the book. They will have more success with reading if they own what they read. The reluctant reader still has interests and maybe passions in different areas. This is where you can talk about their interests and bring home books that talk about their passions. Often this can stimulate a child to look into a book that might satisfy their thirst for knowledge. A reluctant reader can be tempted by books that give them important information that accommodates their interests.
It was common practice in classrooms to have a dedicated thirty minutes to silent reading often after lunch. Children looked forward to this time which was mandated across the year and understood as an important part of a child’s learning across the week. Is something like this possible in your home?
People will read for different purposes and this is always acceptable and the more likely reason for reading. Children will over time, gravitate to what they really enjoy in reading. Some love reading for pleasure, others read for information gathering and instructions. We all gain different outcomes from our reading experiences but while we are learning the art of reading we need to feel embraced by various options to read and to feel that we are enjoying the process.
Everyone is entitled to be literate and to have access to information to help them through life. Reading, acquired early in life and in a climate of trust builds our confidence and provides necessary skills invaluable for life.
‘To learn to red is to light a fire; every syllable that is spelled out is a spark.’
-Victor Hugo
Developing the two halves of our brain.
Read here for tips to help develop both sides of your child’s brain.
Both sides need good interconnection to think well.
If your child is actively engaged in sports that is a wonderful beginning to balancing both sides of the brain. We are born with this amazing computer but as a muscle we need to give it considerable exercise. Neuroscientists have found that the two sides of the brain are engaged at the same time. Left brain people focus on logical and clear thinking. They are drawn to order and structure being analytical and focusing on accuracy. If your child is right brain focused, it is more about creativity, emotions and aesthetics, intuition and thoughtfulness. They are your sensitive children.
Think about your child for a moment. Can you see some aptitude in other direction? The trick is to balance both sides giving the individual a chance to develop greater potential in their thinking and processing.
It is natural to drift back to what you are most comfortable with and this can easily happen when a child does a project, writes stories, plays games etc. A child who loves order and takes pride in having everything clearly laid out, can sometimes become anxious when taking risks. Often they don’t like failure and become anxious when they are not prepared.
On the other hand, children who are very creative can be far too sensitive and not cope with criticism and become quite unsettled when people challenge them. In reality, we can probably see both elements in our child from time to time, but nonetheless, it is worthwhile encouraging your child to work on balance.
Consider:
Try to practice reading at different speeds and putting emphasis on different words to create different feelings about the story.
Play ball games where children use both hands for catching or change the rules to encourage different ways to think through the game.
When a child creatively writes a story invite them to itemise the main concepts.
Involve your child in learning a craft that requires change and pattern building. Activities such as knitting, sewing, sculpture etc. are wonderful for learning order and design. Simply reading a pattern requires thinking on a deeper level.
I know how creative Lego is but it could be used to think through different ways to be creative and not just building structures. Challenging the thinking in this area really gets the brain working.
Cooking and improving recipes is another great way of challenging the thinking process.
It can be as simple as having a conversation about how the practice went and then ask your child to suggest strategies that would improve the game.
Leave lists of tasks to be done on the fridge. They are to be marked off when done. Sometimes vary the lists and invite your child to draw up their own or rewrite amended lists.
When visiting good games shops you will find quite a variety of games that challenge the child to be creative and at the same time think logically. Spend some time perusing these games as they can be great family fun and really stretch the thinking in different ways.
Highly sensitive children can be more emotional. You may need to spend more time with them conditioning them to think about positive thoughts when they become overwhelmed by issues. They will need to learn strategies to help them overcome sensitive feelings.
Teachers know to change the look of the classroom around to stimulate different thinking and to challenge the children with questioning and memory.
These exercises are illustrations of developing a balance and recognising that at times you need to refocus your child when the emphasis lies too heavily on one side of the brain. The more children exercise their thinking in various ways the greater capacity they have to learn and accept challenges that come their way.
‘When you want new results, it requires new thinking.’ -Richard Brandler
11 ways to help your child become settled and have the best opportunities at school
Read here for 11 ways to help your child become settled and have the best opportunities at school.
Always trust the school. If you have doubts those doubts will translate into concerns for your child very quickly. If you have concerns talk to the school but take care about how your child interprets your concerns.
Be diligent in checking notes sent home which are mostly electronic noways but it is most important to attend parent nights. Of course, parent-teacher interviews are a must.
Be available to help the school in various ways. This can be a simple as manning a stand at Fair time through to being on the school board. You learn so much more by connecting to the school this way.
Support homework expectations. This does not mean doing the homework but providing a climate at home that enables the child to do their homework. If they have significant difficulty contact the teacher as homework is the responsibility of the teacher who set it.
When your child leaves for school in the morning ensure they are ready mentally and physically. Have they had enough sleep, eaten a good breakfast and left without emotionally unresolved matters to deal with at home? Are they walking to school, riding etc? A child ready for school makes a great deal of difference in their day’s effectiveness.
At home demonstrate how organisation is important. Keep the balance right. A child that lives around structure and routine will have a better balanced week and feel more in charge of what they are doing. This also includes checking on after-school activities that need to be balanced with sleep, homework, play etc.
By reading the school’s website you become more familiar with all the rules and regulations. This is helpful especially when an incident occurs and you need to understand how the school plans to handle the matter. Staff are regularly in serviced on their policies and procedures and when dealing with children will refer to them regularly.
Keep the conversation of school alive throughout the week. Children need to see that you value their school experiences and it flows into the family psyche. Positive family talk around the richness of school life and its influences on a child’s life, should be the order of the day.
Keep the home environment alive with learning material around the house. Demonstrate that books are available and in sight. Leave school notes on fridge and use dinner time as a chance to talk about the day at school.
Demonstrate to your child that you are proud of their school and impressed with how it helps your child learn. Talk out loud to others in front of your child about the school and the teachers. All positive of course. This builds reassurance for the child that they are in the right place and much valued by you, the parent.
Finally, be in touch regularly with your child’s teacher. In this way communication channels are always wide open and having a relationship with the teachers gives you more opportunities to be in touch with everyday matters.
‘The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you.’ B.B.King
Children who find school a struggle
Many children have times when they feel they are struggling not just with school but also with friends, home issues, siblings, etc. Children can and do have down times. If your child is struggling, read here for some tips.
Many children have times when they feel they are struggling not just with school but also with friends, home issues, siblings, etc. Children can and do have down times. It’s natural. Also there are some children who really find the process of school difficult academically and socially. There are many shades in between but it is reasonable to say that most children will have some struggles along the way. A proportion of this is acceptable, but when it gets out of hand it is necessary to intervene but effectively.
Consider:
If your child has outbursts of frustration then these must just happen. Sometimes frustration comes out through poor behaviour, moodiness, etc., but these feelings need to be expelled. It is their way of letting you know how poor they feel and they want you to have that same feeling. Best to let it happen and gently talk to them:
‘Seems like you have something on your mind. You are so upset.’
Here you are giving them a chance to simply talk about the matter. You are not asking the question, why?
Creating space when tension builds is a great vehicle for a child letting off steam and it gives you the parent a chance to process what has just happened with the outburst. Many a time in the classroom, when tension was building up, we all went out for a quick run on the oval. It was an amazing way to break from the stress and it set the scene for a new direction. Fresh air and a quick walk can make all the difference for all parties concerned.
After a child becomes reactive you cannot go straight into conversations, trying to make sense of what has happened. They are simply not listening at that point and probably will not hear the logic of what you are saying. In our best interest we want to understand the behaviour but think about yourself after you have been quite upset, do you hear what people are saying to you? The same happens after shocks. That immediate follow up time is a time when listening is non existent.
There is a tendency to naturally help our children excessively especially when we see them struggling. Whilst your assistance is needed and valued it, should be tempered with the child learning about failure and accepting that we learn through failure. However, a child must have feelings of success along the way. So I appreciate the care and balance you make as a caring parent when helping your child.
Keep the school close to you. They are the key figures in formal learning for the child. They set homework and should take responsibility if it is too much for the child. Homework is very secondary as a learning tool and should not come between you and the child. Remember you are not the arbitrator of what the child learns. You are the loving parent giving reassurance.
Helping your child put organisation into their life is a great way of supporting their learning. Many children can get overwhelmed by the school’s expectations and if you gently assist in helping them plan out the week this can reduce pressure.
If you have a child inclined to build anxiety quickly then consider slowing down the expectations for the week. Tailor those expectations to suit how the child is coping and be flexible when it comes to domestic expectations etc. A change in pace can make all the difference for an anxious child who lacks confidence.
Plenty of sleep and exercise is a critical dimension to a child’s life. Sometimes when a child is struggling at school they may have success through sport and they feel so much better.
Try not to keep asking how are they going at school? They will tell you in due time. Asking too often can only encourage them to shut down and not talk about school at all. After all who wants to talk about feeling a failure? Turn your questions about school into a positive framework:
‘You seemed happy coming out of the classroom, I wonder what that was about?’
Classroom teachers are very conscious of providing daily balance for the children throughout the whole week. This balance is all about ensuring they have successes and they learn from mistakes. They should have moments of feeling good about their achievements and moments of being socially well accepted. It’s all about the right checks and balances and so too is our parenting, especially with those children more vulnerable.
‘There are two gifts we should give our children, is roots and the other is wings.’
Perfectionism...to be discouraged in our children
A child who is a perfectionist does not feel free to make any mistakes and we know that mistakes are an important form of learning for your child. If the child feels too anxious to make mistakes their confidence drops and all sorts of behavioural complications can enter the scenario. Read here to navigate the world of perfection in your child.
This can be a problem for some children who really struggle to accept anything less than perfect. How frustrating this can be for them as they never seem to be at peace unless they are correct 100% of the time. For themselves, they set very high standards. They also see that other people value them for how much they have achieved rather than for who they are. These are unsafe values upon which to be basing your sense of self. A child who is a perfectionist does not feel free to make any mistakes and we know that mistakes are an important form of learning for your child. If the child feels too anxious to make mistakes their confidence drops and all sorts of behavioural complications can enter the scenario. There is no joy in working from perfectionism and it can be seen as early as young children not writing a sentence for fear they make mistakes.
Teachers are very astute when they find students reticent to have a go or reluctant to put themselves forward. They realise the more they allow the child to step back and make no attempt, the more poor conditioning steps in and the harder it is to get them back in the groove of doing activities.
At home there are ways to help the child begin to overcome this problem.
Consider:
Firstly and most importantly consider if you are a perfectionist. You can have a major influence on your child if they see you operating as a perfectionist.
Show your child how you work through problems. Let them see that making a mistake is a way of learning.
When they show you their work, affirm its worth. Remember it is the effort you are affirming and not the quality of the work as a final product. This habit should start with very young children to be successful.
For these children, competition is important but within reason. Very young children are often keen to show you what they have done be it a drawing, sand sculpture etc. This is a tender age for building the understanding that you are impressed with all their attempts.
Keep installing the value of ‘have a go’ and telling your child that through trial and effort learning occurs happily.
With older children, it is worth talking about some great successes such as Einstein who based his life on learning from taking risks and mistakes.
Use practical examples in your own life when things went wrong and still you learnt.
Wherever possible take away the pressure to succeed. That may mean talking to your child’s teacher about potential problems that could stem in the classroom. It could mean putting your child in situations where there is not an obsessive focus on success. Healthy competition is important but some environments may be not suitable for your child who becomes fixated on being perfect.
When a challenge comes your child’s way, we do not talk about meeting that challenge for fear of failing. We meet it to simply have a go and improve in some capacity.
‘Have go at swimming backstroke. You will learn so much from just making an attempt.’
‘Well done you made a great effort and for the first time swam a little on your back.’
Here it is about picking up on the effort and noticing a difference. There is no focus on being perfect.
Children who have a tendency to be perfect often prefer to stay in their comfort zones. This give them assurance and they don’t need to try as they may fail. Give your child various opportunities to try different things. Take them out of their comfort zones and challenge them to do different things. This could be through sports,family holidays etc.
Sometimes children feel under pressure when the issue of success comes up. For example, school tests,sports event, social event etc. Preparing the child before the event is helpful by reminding them of the time they had a go and it worked out. Also reinforcing how you award the effort not so much the outcome.
Try to avoid being an overprotective parent. Such a model limits the child’s opportunities to take risks and discover their own potential.
Finally, as a parent whose child has perfectionist tendencies try to be more relaxed and let your child see how the value in life is about not fearing the unknown and learning to embrace some risk and challenge. Let them gradually feel the joy of simply exposing themselves to change and feeling success from the experience.
‘Focus on progress not perfection’
-Bill Philips
A helpful child is a useful thing. I guess?
The home should be a place of rest, safety and feeling secure in a child’s own skin. Of course duties around the house are important but should not overwhelm the child nor should they become a battleground with parents. I stress this as I have seen many unsettled children grow unhappy due to demands at home. Read here for considerations when setting chores at home.
There has been some recent research released from Latrobe University stating that children that do jobs at home develop into more rounded individuals capable of taking on responsibility and managing themselves well. That sounds wonderful and why not engage your child with home duties? There is quite a lot to learn for a child taking responsibilities in the home not the least of which is that they occupy the home space and should take some ownership.
This article is to invite us to find the balance of a child having home duties and to take into consideration all the other responsibilities and pressures that are on a child. When working with children myself a significant factor in supporting them was to help them overcome their sense of being overwhelmed by all the social pressures and other demands in life.
The home should be a place of rest, safety and feeling secure in a child’s own skin. Of course duties around the house are important but should not overwhelm the child nor should they become a battleground with parents. I stress this as I have seen many unsettled children grow unhappy due to demands at home.
Consider:
Plan jobs together as a family and check in regularly as to how they are going. Gives lots of affirmation when a job is done well.
A regular family meeting should not become a tense bun fight because jobs are not done well. At these meetings negotiate with your child around suitable tasks that are fair and reasonable. Understand that a child’s expectations may be different.
If your child has a busy week at school or extra demands on them in some other way, consider modifying your expectations around the house. We all need respite from tasks from time to time.
A child is more willing to do tasks if they see the value in them. Tidying their room is often not a value they care about and can often become a sore spot with parents. Talk to your child about what they see is important around the house and relegate those tasks to them.
Try to not discuss tasks that are not done in front of other people. Try to create an environment at home that is inviting and happy for the child. Discuss with them your concerns in private with an attitude to listen well to your child.
As the child grows older the tasks will change and always keep in mind that a child is less interested in spending time with the dishes then being outside with their friends. Therefore, encouraging them to support you must be handled carefully.
‘Let’s do the dishes quickly so that you have more time to play with your friend.’
Here you recognise what is important to them and you use encouraging ways to help them. Showing this support goes a long way with the child who sees that you still expect the job done but understands what is the real driver for your child. You have no expectation that they should love doing the dishes.
As the child grows into a teenager there are of course more expectations to be placed on them but remember that for a teenager to enjoy home it should be filled with happiness and understanding as it is too easy to escape the scene. Jobs should be allocated fairly and in consideration of the teenager’s changing expectations. Who knows any teenager that likes home jobs!!
Finally, a supportive word for the child. We all only have one chance to have a great childhood and this should be filled later with memories of happy experiences and a home that is not punitive but just and loving. It should be an environment where the child takes adequate responsibility in a space that invites negotiation, is open to change and willingly listens to concerns.
Long may home duties exist for a child but finely balanced so as to not stifle the joy of childhood.
‘A home should be a stockade, a refuge from the flaming arrows of anxiety, tension and worry.’
-Wilfred Peterson
The words we choose to use.
How we speak to our children is long-lasting. Read here for some thoughts on how to manage ourselves in using effective communication with children.
When you think about your impact on the world and most specially your children, consider that what you say delivers important messages and sends out clear vibes to all within earshot.
According to a very early philosopher, Horace 65-8BC
“words once spoken can never be revoked”
Sounds harsh and yes, we all make mistakes in how and what we say from time to time, but the impact can be great and the words lasting, if hurtful. Children are particularly sensitised to the words we use when we talk to them. Careless speech can have a longer-term memory with children. Name calling is taken to heart and can come under the banner of emotional bullying.
Teachers know all so well that the words they use around children will have an impact on teaching them. They realise very early in their career that their use of language can make or break a child’s interest in learning.
Here are some thoughts on how to manage ourselves in using effective speak around our children.
It is often said to have your mind well ahead of your mouth. By reflecting on what we are about to say, we can choose our words carefully, which do no harm, but deliver a good message. Some say stop and think before speaking. A small moment of thought can also slow down any quick temper we may have, which can influence how and what we say.
Watch the tiredness. When we are feeling tired, we are less likely to speak well, but rather more focussed on just getting the message across. Consider if you are tired is it necessary to have an in-depth conversation with your child? Sometimes it is best to wait. Silence can be very effective at times. It allows some mental breathing space.
Using words well can do an amazing amount of good with our children. They often hang on our words and listen carefully for the intent. The more we speak affectionately using a positive tone of voice, they feel reassured and valued. Never fall into the trap of thinking a louder, sterner voice has more impact. It in fact shuts people down from listening. Minds close in an effort to protect themselves from bombarding sounds.
Our children live in a world where less speak and more action on social media which is isolating is seen as better. Therefore, sound, healthy discussions using positive language and reassuring words is important to counterman the shrinking oral language used around our children.
To build a strong relationship which your child you will need to be using language to get messages across, reassure them and nurture them. There is nothing more delightful than hearing words used by a parent that are positive, reassuring, loving and wholesome.
This is about using words wisely and understanding the power of them to build relationships. Careless, thoughtless words are hurtful and damaging. They serve no positive purpose in strengthening relationships.
Of course, we can say sorry for careless words used and ask for forgiveness. The challenge is to train ourselves to avoid such language and if necessary, say nothing. Less careless words used presents a very reassuring image as a parent.
An old saying is: if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all. What a fine message this is to finish the blog!
‘Choose your words wisely. They reveal your inner character.
-Jim George
Keep on with the rules at home
Here are some tips to consider when setting appropriate rules for children at home. Gail Smith. The Primary Years.
When you make rules yourself to live by, you do become a much stronger, self-disciplined person. These rules generally reflect your values and the things in life that are important to you. When you have a clear and strong belief about how those rules are to be lived, people notice how important they are and respect your position. So too your children. If they see that you have strong beliefs and operate around rules that work for you, they are more inclined to accept some of the chores you set them. The more careless we are with rules, the greater propensity for our children to not take them seriously. Having said that, everything within reason. If you are too intense and rigid with those rules, your children will react to your intensity and move away mentally from the value you place in them.
Consider:
Your rules need to be balanced and not extreme if you are involving your children in them and expecting them to live by them. Always keep in mind that you are setting up those rules and how they affect everyone.
Consider that children are not self-disciplined adults and when you set rules for them, make them reasonable and within their grasp mentally and physically.
Be fair if you have family rules for all the children. Are they equitable and does the younger child need to be so involved as the older child?
Be clear about your rules. Make sure that you explain why they are important and the difference they make to everyone.
‘Everyone needs to take shoes off at the door. This means the floors don’t get scratched and are easier to clean.’
Here you are giving clear and logical reasons why the rule has value for everyone in the family. In this way you should get more compliance and less resistance when introducing rules.
Rules can and should adjust to suit the shifting nature of families. Regular family meetings about house rules are a good idea to keep everyone on the same page and to reiterate why they still have value.
Affirm your child when they do acknowledge the rules. Never take for granted that they see the same value in the rules. After all they are children.
When important rules are broken take care to discuss them carefully and listen to what your child has to say. It may mean that a slight adjustment to the rules may be in order. This means that you are listening to your child and understand their maturing needs. Without having this degree of flexibility as your child grows there will be less likelihood of full-blown resistance.
Remember you are teaching your child that rules strengthen your values and make you live more safely, comfortably and happier. People see you as a more disciplined person when you live by rules. Children need to see a rule as something that works and can have changes when needed. In this way they will see that rules can work for them.
Be open-minded. Understand that your child may never fully see the value in your rule. As they grow into an adult and start putting their own plans in place, they will reflect on the rules they lived by as a growing child and will want to discard some, adopt some and modify others. This is natural and to be expected. The last thing you want is your child having memories of being forced to fit into a set of rules that they didn’t understand or value. The happier they see you in your embodiment of rules, the clearer vison they will have of how rules can have value in their life strengthening them emotionally and mentally.
‘Children do learn what they live. Then they grow up to live what they learned’
-Dorothy Notte
Feeling overwhelmed? It can happen to our children.
When a child feels overwhelmed by too much information, they simply shut down as a defence. Children can become just as overwhelmed as adults. Read here on some strategies to help avoid anxiety in your children.
As the child grows from infancy to early childhood to adolescence, they are developing their ability to process information. This is a slow and steady progress and one which enables a child to understand and interpret the world they live in. To some degree, we simply take it for granted that our child understands and interprets the world and its surroundings the way we do. Not so!
This is where we can sometimes fall short of understanding where our child is at. They are processing at a different pace to us and will interpret situations based on what they see and understand. It is well understood that if a child is on the spectrum, they can easily be overcome by too much stimulus and the best way forward is to slow down what you put in front of your child. This actually applies to all our children. Do we expect too much of them when they are still absorbing and processing all sorts of information? It can easily be an overload.
Teachers are very skilled in planning their teaching to accommodate what the child is capable of interpreting and they set their expectations understanding that each child is on a learning continuum that continually shifts. An overstimulated and noisy room can be a deterrent to some children’s learning. Overtalking and presenting too many things at once can confuse and make a child feel vulnerable.
Think about your child and their ability to process what you say and how you ask them to do. The more we understand and reflect on their ability to process information, the better we communicate with them. We then begin to set realistic goals and enjoy the fruits of their labour.
Consider the following:
The younger the child, the slower the processing and therefore it is important to only introduce new concepts one at a time. A child will listen and respond well if they are understanding the simple uncomplicated instructions.
For example,
‘Can you please pick up your toys’
‘Can you please pick up your toys, put the box in the corner and then help me set the table?’
Too complicated makes it too hard to follow the directions and so the child is lost in the maze of instructions.
Get acquainted with how your child processes and choose the best times to give instructions.
When reading stories together, talk about the sequence of events in the story. This helps develop their sense of processing information.
Of course, the older the child, the more we expect them to process bigger slabs of information. This will vary from child to child and it can be a source of anxiety if the child is not keeping up with class expectations. If so, talk to the teacher about this matter.
When a child feels overwhelmed by too much information, they simply shut down as a defence. When this happens, slowly unravel the details to make it more understandable to the child. Can you make things simpler so that the child comprehends the situation?
Some children simply process at a slower pace than other children. There is nothing wrong with this as they often are children who want be accurate and get things right.
When a child feels overwhelmed by too many instructions etc they can lose their confidence and feel a failure. We need to reassure our child that the pace of processing is irrelevant. We need to listen and take in some information slowly. Working at an almighty pace is not the goal to success. We live in an overstimulated world driven by speedy technology which seems to suggest faster is better.
Understand that from time to time your child will feel overwhelmed. Help them by breaking down what is troubling them so that they can find a simple way of working through the issue.
Finally teaching your child to take things a little slower and smell the roses is not an easy lesson in today’s world. However, if you demonstrate how being more relaxed and less overwhelmed gives you a sense of personal satisfaction, it helps immensely.
‘When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, its our job to share our calm, not to join them.’
-L.R.Knost.
Personality: We need to nurture its development
Do you see many changes in the personalities in your own children over the years? Here are some considerations in different ways to nurture your child’s individual personality.
When, as adults we look back on our childhood (or even our own children who are now adults), do we recognise the child in them or within ourselves? Do we reflect on those developing personalities over the years? Do you see many changes in the personalities in your own children over the years?
There are many varied beliefs and studies about personalities and still the research goes on about what constitutes personality and how they influence our behaviour and performance as a person. What we do know for certain is that as parents we have a responsibility to nurture our child’s personality and allow them to express themselves and learn about who they really are. Developing a strong sense of self awareness is what it is all about. If we attempt to stifle them and change certain traits in their personality, we will undoubtedly do them a misjustice. Of course, from time to time we seek to change certain behaviours that are unacceptable. This is different from influencing their personality. Take care to know the difference as we can be easily unsettled by unattractive behaviour.
Teachers are very aware that enhancing and affirming a child’s personality in the classroom will give them a creative opportunity to learn about themselves. A child may learn that some of their personality traits work well with people and some aspects may not. It is all about trial and error in discovering and liking themselves. It is also about developing self-awareness and accepting who they are.
Consider:
When you see those quirky and delightful aspects of your child’s personality coming out, affirm them, highlight those moments and show them that they are being quite the little individual.
Talk to your child’s teacher about how your child expresses themselves in the classroom. Often how a child acts in a classroom is quite different than home.
Give your child opportunities to express themselves and talk and act in ways that make them feel complete. Sometimes adult conversations can dominate and control the room space making it difficult for children to have their voice. Give them space to be themselves.
The friends your child chooses often reflect their personalities. Accept and be inclusive with all their friends as over time your child will be discerning with friendships. They do not need our instructions on who to associate with. They will learn over time the ins and outs of relationships and who best fits into their circle of friends.
Be an opportunist when you see your child expressing quirky aspects of their personality embrace the moment and applaud their style. Don’t be intimidated by differences that you notice in your child.
As a family watching movies together is a great occasion to talk about the characters and personality traits that you admired in the characters. This is a way of reinforcing what you value without imposing your beliefs.
We often hear parents boasting that their child is so similar to them in how they operate. Perhaps this is true as the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. However, every child has a different twist in the way they see and interpret the world. Each generation is presented with challenges and opportunities that stimulate their thinking in different ways. No one person is a replica of another. Look for and celebrate the differences you see in your children. Allow them to be themselves with their own personality traits driving their directions in life. Some aspects of that personality will be challenging for them and other aspects will give them great joy and satisfaction. Only through learning and exposure to life will they understand their personality as an important tool in how happily they live their life.
‘The most important thing you wear is your personality.’
- America Ferrera
How to deal with trauma such as the recent school shooting in the USA.
We are confronted by what recently happened in Texas with the mass killing of young children in a school. It is almost impossible to get our heads around this atrocity and as parents, we shudder with the reminder that a parent’s grief for their lost child would be immeasurable. Here's some pointers for parents to help your children understand tragedies like this.
No easy answer here. We are confronted by what recently happened in Texas with the mass killing of young children in a school. It is almost impossible to get our heads around this atrocity and as parents, we shudder with the reminder that a parent’s grief for their lost child would be immeasurable.
Who can make sense of such an act and how do we explain this to our children?
There is no escaping that it did happen and that it was publicly displayed in many forms of media. Therefore, at some point your child will most likely have learnt about it from others. Given that second hand information can be quite dangerous, it makes sense to have your own discussions with your child about the incident. In this way you have a better grasp of what your child knows, understands and how they have interpreted the situation.
Consider:
Talk to your child in a quiet and safe place about the incident. Truth is the best but of course you tailor what you say to suit the age of your child.
Children need hope and look for it. Talk about the care that the children in the school will receive and how everyone will be looking after their wellbeing. Remind them that in the midst of that horror there were many people trying to do the right thing.
Understanding such violence and the death of children is hard for a child and so simply mention that sometimes people’s behaviour can be out of control and this can lead to devastating consequences. That is the truth and that is sadly what we need to explain carefully to our children. The world is not a perfect place but a child looks for the good and the hope so build that into your conversations at all times.
Reassure your child of all the safety that is surrounding your child and the care that is taken to make them safe both at school and home. In fact, list all the safety and care aspects built into their life. Younger children may enjoy drawing them as a way of talking about feeling safe.
If your child is still feeling unsafe, mention this to your teacher who will follow through in the school setting. Every school will have strategies in how to talk to the children should it be necessary.
Sadly, the conversations of guns may come up, particularly with older children. Here there is much reassurance to be given about our gun laws and how Australia strategically deals with these issues.
After initial discussion with your child, take care that they are not watching too much news about the incident, as this prolongs feelings of anxiety and builds up further unsettling thoughts.
Check in with your child to see if they are still reflecting on the incident and if they are moving on with their thoughts about it.
Try to avoid adult conversations around them that talk about the incident. Little ears will be picking up on your feelings of distress about the incident.
The trauma that occurred will live in the hearts of Americans for a long time. Teaching our children about the strong safety net we have in Australia, gives them reassurance and settles down some anxiety about it happening to them. Overtime, as they feel happier and focus less on the trauma, feelings about the incident will fade away. Your role is to nurture well, giving them feelings of security and above all happiness. This conquers lingering feelings of doubt and insecurity through childhood.
‘We believe that the ultimate treasures on earth and in heaven are our children.’
-Elder Dalli H Oaks
Enjoy the present - it’s here for you now to enjoy
Happiness can be found in all of the smaller moments in life. You just have to stop for a moment and enjoy the present.
Did you realize that it is actually a skill to learn how to enjoy the present? Sometimes our focus is often on the past or busy planning for what next in the future. Far too often we use the present to simply prepare for the future without acknowledging the very real presence of the now. Think of how photos slow us down. We stop for a minute and reflect on that powerful image. It was a moment in time that we hold dear.
Teachers have learned the art of capturing the moment with children. Often when something special happens, a teacher will stop the class and together all children will reflect on what it is that drew their attention. This is a way of capturing memorable moments. I remember one teacher who kept a diary of those moments and at the end of the school year the children turned it into a book retelling the special moments that built up the charisma of the class.
Children that love school look forward often to the surprise highlights of the day which make for happy moments and collective joy. Teachers know that such a classroom environment where elements of the day are surprisingly highlighted, will excite children who are alive with interest.
If we notice that what we have now is giving us happiness we are more inclined to weather the unsavoury small stuff that can easily interfere with the day, lowering our mood and temperament. Did you wake up this morning and hear birds singing? Was the sun shining? Did your child give you a hug? Did you enjoy breakfast? These incidences are the small but influential stuff that can give us joy along the way.
I believe that if we highlight around our children the joy of noticing and feeling positive about the moment, it will have a positive effect on how our children monitor and identify their day. This is all about developing a healthy habit of living positively in the present.
Consider how such a disposition can be helpful in the development of emotional maturity and the mental health of your child:
If your child looks to see what is good and happy around them, will they not feel better in themselves?
Children who are by nature happy attract other children who like to feel happy.
Good mental health has a strong base in feeling good and in not letting incidences get you down. With a stronger capacity to see and want the happy moments, a child is drawn less to feeling sad and unhappy.
Children who are conditioned into looking to the positive and happy opportunities of the day are less likely to be drawn into the darker side of unattractive social media etc.
There is so much to learn from the moments of now. If your child is geared to searching for those moments, they will have less interest in the underbelly of trouble which can easily find its way into the daylight.
This is all about choosing an attitude where life has much to offer and I want to actively engage in those activities that are life-giving. Just as you are probably involved in a sport that gives such life joy think about simple opportunities throughout the day that give a positive vibe to life. Go for a walk with your child, cycle together, play games draw together etc.
We all see how playing sport as a child is about enjoying the moment, feeling the exhilaration of what it is that you are doing with the ball etc. If we can transfer some of that happy feeling into moments of the day, we have come a long way in understanding the life-giving habit of celebrating the moment.
A child needs to grow a strong belief in themselves
Our children need to be steadily building a strong belief in themselves. They will put themselves forward and receive some knockdowns but climbing the ladder of being strongly connected to the world will come with mounting strong self-belief.
How difficult is it for any of us to feel confident, have a go, put ourselves forward etc. without having a strong belief in ourselves? Do we take initiative if low in self-confidence? How about the time we avoid situations or people because we just haven’t the confidence to be part of a group or offer opinions? So much of engaging in the world is lost to us if we lack a strong belief in ourselves. We tend to avoid, omit, regress and simply lay silent.
Our children need to be steadily building a strong belief in themselves. They will put themselves forward and receive some knockdowns but climbing the ladder of being strongly connected to the world will come with mounting strong self-belief.
The following thoughts give us guidance into how we help build a strong foundation in our children in self-belief.
If a child lacks self-confidence their learning can be affected as they are not disclosing what they need to know. Reminding our children to ask questions, be inquisitive is a right and a responsibility in learning.
Having a strong positive self-image presents to others as a confident person. It is important as parents that we talk about all the positive aspects you notice in your child especially with regard to attitudes and values. They need to hear it loud and clear that they are worthwhile people with much to offer.
When we are successful, it often has a boost with our self-esteem. Ensure that your child has plenty of opportunities to be successful. Teachers work off the philosophy that a child will be successful if they feel good about themselves. No surprises that in a classroom each day, teachers set up scenarios where children are successful in some form.
Think about the little successes your child makes at home. They could be as small as showing courtesy to others, working hard to keep their room tidy etc. Simply affirm the success. Remember success begets more success
‘What a hero you are. The room is tidy and now we can read a story’.
The more self-esteem builds, the more engaged the child will be in all that is around them. There is nothing more concerning than a disengaged child. Their world shrinks and their interests become more solo such as excessive use of games, television, social media etc. The more outward thinking the child, the greater propensity for building a strong self-image.
Take care that when you correct your child due to some disappointments etc, you use language that is not harmful and will not attack the child’s self-confidence. Be disappointed with the deed but still love the child. Check that there are not too many negative conversations in a row as such patterns start to build a negative feeling of self-worth and everything can easily spiral downwards.
Make broad sweeping announcements in front of others about how pleased you are with your child’s successes. (Everything within reason of course) There is a wonderful feeling that comes from hearing publicly how pleased your parents are with you.
As parents we are daily building foundational tools for our children. The words we use, the actions we display and the frequent appreciation of our children that we show, all build the framework for developing a well-rounded individual with a strong sense of self belief.
‘As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.’
-Johanne Wolfgang Von Goethe
Always keep the bright side of situations as your focus
Parenting come with a sense of being cautious and protecting your child. Be less afraid of taking a risk and letting in some positive thoughts.
How quickly we fall into disrepair here when it comes to looking at the sunny side of life. Some of us are wired to see the negative and focus on the disadvantages of situations. Negative information can attract us a lot quicker than positive information. We seem to be drawn to details that make us unhappy and anxious. There is some belief that being drawn to the negative was a safety mechanism for survival thousands of years ago when early man was all about simply surviving.
Nowadays we do not need those cues and our modern world can easily play havoc with our anxious moments and negative impacts. Social media is a perfect example of how we can become anxious and feel negative.
Consider the following to help you as a parent modify some of those negative responses:
Parenting come with a sense of being cautious and protecting your child. That is why we sometimes become more negative and question decisions etc. for the sake of the child. Try to decipher in your mind how valid are your fears when reflecting on what is best for your child. Keep in mind that your child will grow when exposed to challenges and try to look for the best in those challenges.
Your parenting is at its best when you are just doing your best under what circumstances are in front of you. Trying to be the perfect parent comes with a lot of stress and negative feelings of not being good enough. Remember the best style of parenting is when you are happy and accept that your efforts are good enough. Parenting will shift according to your human condition at the time such as tiredness, fatigue, work overload, etc.
Try to recognise how quickly you resort to negative thoughts when dealing with your parenting. Are you able to shift mental gears and see the positive side of what your child is asking. The more you understand about your reactions, the more you will let some sunshine into your decisions.
Remember that it takes practice to change the way you process your thoughts. Your first reaction as a parent is to protect, but look beyond this to see how your parenting can be more about listening and negotiating with your child. Bring in the positive thoughts in your discussions and try to see where you child is coming from with their ideas and demands.
Finally, learn more about yourself when you react to situations. If you learn that you are quick to be negative, try to slow it down and see the light in what your child is saying or doing. Be less afraid of taking a risk and letting in some positive thoughts.
‘If you have good thoughts
They will shine out of your face like Sunbeams
And you will always look lovely.’
-The Twits. Roald Dahl
Being credible is such an important part in parenting
By nature of being a parent you are invited to present such fine qualities as credibility and trust to your child. Never underestimate that such an opportunity is also all about developing yourself as a fully rounded, emotionally intelligent person. Like it or not parenting forces us to grow up!
We build our relationships into healthy vibrant relationships when we have built up trust amongst others. It is as simple and as complicated as that. Children have a natural disposition to trust their parents, which puts you in a very precious and precarious position if at any time that trust breaks down. Younger children trust implicitly, but as the child grows older and they question and probe how we think and challenge our beliefs etc, this is where trust comes into play so importantly.
Teachers are always in the firing line with children if they are not credible and as such their ability to teach is limited. Credibility builds trust and a teacher is in a wonderful situation to teach when they have the trust of their students.
Parents start off with automatic credibility with their child. As they mature and start to question, they will of course challenge you but still expect you to be credible holding all your values true to yourself.
Consider the following ideas that remind us of our credible role in your child’s life:
Your relationship with your child will remain intact if to them you are seen as a credible and consistent person. It will not only remain intact but it will grow existentially.
Your child relies on your credibility to gain verification for many aspects of life. What you tell them and how you express your beliefs is an important model to your child when they start making choices on their own.
A child will be more interested in checking in with you as they grow older if they find you to be credible. There is so much constant change in their world. Sometimes just coming home to what they see as true and credible can be the best option. Especially in times of confusion.
Given your credibility with your child there is less worry and more reassurance from the trust you give and take from your child. Anxiety can easily spread when doubt comes into play.
Being credible does not mean that you cannot be flexible, vary your ideas or even head in alternative directions. That thread of credibility is all about being true to yourself and to others being authentic and human at the same time.
There is nothing more comforting and reassuring than connecting to a credible person. In the fast-moving world that is ever changing for your developing child, how satisfying to feel that you their parents can be trustworthy and reliable when so much around them is shifting directions. You remain the axis upon which they gravitate.
By nature of being a parent you are invited to present such fine qualities as credibility and trust to your child. Never underestimate that such an opportunity is also all about developing yourself as a fully rounded, emotionally intelligent person. Like it or not parenting forces us to grow up!
‘To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.’
-George MacDonald