Teach our children to be courteous

Sounds like it would be just a natural process of learning for a child. Perhaps something you pick up along the way. However, we live in a world where so much is instant gratification and things must happen fast. This comes at a cost of how people treat each other and at times common courtesy is one of the first virtues that can go out the window and be sacrificed for supposedly better outcomes.

A classroom is an environment where courtesy is presented as a valued gift and one that should be present throughout the school day. In fact it is mandatory. If a child does not show courtesy to other students, such behaviour is seen as negative and will be challenged. When working with children I was always aware that if I did not show the child respect and speak to them with courtesy and sincerity, I would fail to build their trust and further conversations would be damaged.

Your child will learn courtesy from you, especially when they see how you treat others and you use language and behaviour that is positive and not destructive towards others. They watch and observe and in their own way make judgements about how you, the parent dealt with certain people. It is amazing how little minds watch and observe and learn quickly all about the human condition. It should become a healthy habit to simply be a courteous person even when situations challenge us.

Thomas Fuller once said, “all doors open to courtesy”. Let’s consider how using courtesy as a child will improve their life.

• Children that are courteous stand out from a crowd. They are more often chosen or spoken to with respect due to their reliability and noticeability.

• When a child shows courtesy to others, they are reflecting on that other person and putting them in a safe space. Everyone feels comfortable when people are courteous to them.

• A child who uses courtesy is learning to value the other person. It is much easier for them to think positively of people as their first thoughts are not negative.

• Children who learn to use courtesy as a tool of communication can easily slip into effective language, where they listen and affirm others well. This well developed language gives them a higher order level of emotional maturity.

• If you are courteous, people are attracted to you and gravitate around you more given that they feel welcomed. This is important for a child to feel that others like their company. A child can feel very isolated from others if they do not have such good skills of communication.

• Children need to learn the art of courtesy and this is where your example comes into play. It is also worth taking to them about how a person is valued and should be treated with dignity and courtesy no matter how complicated that person can be.

Finally, there is a silent, steady power present in being courteous. You are stronger by nature of your courteous style. By treating someone with dignity no matter how different your thoughts are, there is little with which to argue. After all, they see how you accept them as legitimate. You accept their right to have a voice.

‘Your children will become what you are.

So be what you want them to be.’

-Love hope dream

The value you have to your child

So often as a busy parent we forget about the value we have to our children. We appreciate that we are important and that we hold great responsibility and balance of power in taking care of our child. I wonder how often we think about the value we give to our child.

          Dr Seuss said

“To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.”

Our busy lives strip away the sentimentality and time for reflection on such matters. However, stop for a minute and think:

• You make such a powerful impact on the developing life of your child. This then reminds us to take care on how we model ourselves and what messages we give to our children.

• The things you value will be initially valued by your child. After some time, they become more scrutinising but are greatly influenced by what you value in your life. For example, if you value being neat and tidy this will be a strong message to your child about how to live.

• Your well being is so important if you are to be a parent of much influence with your child. A healthy happy disposition shows your child that personal care is taken seriously by you and strongly valued.

• If you are so heavily valued by your child, remember that being authentic is showing your child that you are human and make mistakes, recognise difficulties, celebrate good times and do the best you can. When we aim to be perfect it usually goes pear-shaped and this gives a confusing message to our appreciative child.

• A helpful way of looking at it is to imagine your child grown up. What do you think they will think of you? Will they have a very distinctive way of looking back or will it be a mixed memory of how your acted and treated them. Think of your own parents and that journey. By focussing on this thought you realise that we carry images of ourselves into the future and you want them to be memorably happy moments. After all, you were for many years their heroes. They valued what you had to offer them.

• In working with children one of the clearest messages I received from children was how they knew their parents. To them, they were an important anchor and bearer of truth. Your word was taken seriously even though some behaviour may have suggested others. This almost spiritual value that you hold as a parent is quite sacred and such a precious parental gift you have been given. Use it wisely so that your child will carry forward all the lessons taught and learnt. They will discard some but they will value many as an adult and especially as they begin to parent themselves. Where else will they get their examples from?

          ‘Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.’

                                                                -W.E.B DuBois

Are you planning everything around your children?

The answer could simply be yes as our children have busy, demanding schedules with school, outside sports activities and friendship demands. Of course, we feel the expanding pressure of always being available and ensuring that their outside school needs are met by us. There is a common belief that providing a full complement of activities outside the school will be satisfying for the children and will demonstrate how effective I am as a parent in ensuring that my child is offered all that is available.

 Beware. This can be a trap where as parents we want only to have our children fulfilled and active throughout the day. Whatever happened to simply just being as a family and not setting busy expectations for everyone. Downtime with the family is a vital time to replenish the family spirit, refresh relationships and simply enjoy each other’s company. There is a lot to be learnt from each other and of course, this will come with sibling tensions, disappointments, misunderstandings etc. However, what a time this is to learn more about tolerance and differences with each other.

 A family is by nature a medley of people who are stretching and growing in a space that is built around trust, love and companionship. With every stretch will come a strain and a new challenge in how the family operates as a whole. When teachers set up their classrooms they are every conscious to provide special times where the students simply learn about each other and grow from what they learn. Teachers realise that the best learning comes from exploring each other through exposing them to challenges and opportunities. Accepting each other’s differences is a big part of growing as a team.

Consider the following thoughts on why relaxing more as a family with less constraints feeds the soul of the family:

• Unstructured family time can lead to the children exercising their own imagination in what to do.

• Don’t be afraid about doing nothing. It’s amazing how emptiness can quickly fill when children are involved.

• By providing some quiet family time that is unstructured you are telling your children that it is legitimate and mentally healthy to simply be as a family without set agendas. The unchartered waters of unstructured family time can mean many things to different members of the family.

• Provide a climate where children can visually see the possibilities of playing board games, reading, scrabble etc. Let them be the ones to choose how best to fill that family space. A home that is inviting to children is one that gives them opportunities to create and is easily accessible in many ways without obsessive controls.

• Most busy families set priorities for the day. This enables routine and daily planning to run smoothly. This is all about being productive which can lead to feeling overwhelmed. Start thinking that a priority across the week is to simply plan for relaxed, unstructured family time where an element of peace is the goal. Sometimes late on a Sunday may be the best time. Build it in with as much authority as other major activities for the week. Let your children know that it has a significant role in the plan of the week and has substance.

Talk about this family time as important to you to simply have a presence with your children. In today's world there is instant gratification and immediate response as a sign of the times. It needs to be taught to your children that simply just hanging out together with no agenda or planned expectations is healthy and valued.

                                    ‘In every conceivable manner,

                                     The family is the link to our past,

                                      The Bridge to our future.’

                                                                                     -YourTango

Being a mum - something to think about

Over the many years of being a principal and having such deep involvement with families, I have huge respect for the role women play as the mother in the family. Yes, it has a special place in everyone’s heart. I have learnt some precious realities in watching mums raise a family, live with it and through it, suffer all the hardships, carry the weak moments and rise above the troubled spots. Now that’s being a mum!

As a treat and a time to reflect on your importance and value, consider the following awareness that I have acquired watching and observing mothers over the years:

• No matter how the days and weeks pan out, you are still a pivotal point in the life of your child. That is an absolute.

• Across the day, a child thinks and talks about their mum quite often. Mums are very much part of their daily thinking in and out of school. Thoughts of their mums rarely leave their consciousness.

• Have you ever seen how your child looks at you? Those powerful glances where they seek your approval and know that therein lies ultimate truth. They can rely on that truth.

• When your child is annoyed or irritable with you, it is often because they don’t like the fallout with someone so precious in their life. Their balance is skewed and they want you front and centre in their consciousness.

• Your journey with your child will have many roads and some a little challenging. Whatever the path, it is a journey that you share together and is precious to you both. Along the path, there will be troughs and smooth paths but together you will navigate the best route forward in rain and sunshine. Just follow that yellow brick road!

• The unconditional love you have for your child has such incredible potential. Are there are many things where unconditional love is valued more? Your child knows this feeling and gains immense feelings of security and well-being from it.

• Being a mum should be fun and even though it can express all the emotions from fatigue to anger, joy to sorrow, would you have it any other way? Try to build in more fun. Nothing happier than to see play and joy between mother and child.

• That little individual you have given birth to will, one day independently take part fully in life. Your influence in this is immense and lasting. But remember if you hold onto their hands too long, they cannot come back to hug you.

• Once a mum always a mum and then a grandmother and then just a powerful wisdom long lasting in the life of the family. What a treasure you become to so many overtime!

• Your journey as a fully rounded individual must be attributed in part to being a mum. Think of all the lessons in life you have learnt since becoming a mother. Your rich sense of compassion, empathy, astuteness, selflessness etc. must have all been stimulated by what you have learnt along the way, especially during motherhood.

Finally, find time to celebrate your motherhood. Have a special bath, a glass of champagne, an extra run in the park, whatever makes you happy. You deserve it and thanks for helping to shape good mankind.

          ‘Being a mother is about learning about strengths you didn’t know you had.’

                                      -Linda Wooten

What will your child remember about you?

As your child grows and the years swiftly move on you will notice that the things you say and what you do is quickly forgotten and replaced with new thoughts, plans and directions as a family. Do we fixate too much on the smaller details of each day? Time seems to work against us as we busily engage with our children over the years. They are preoccupied with years full of different agendas and the shifting demands that are placed on us. What do our children really think about us? Are they aware of all our efforts? Do they remember the little details and the extra efforts we make over the years? What is their level of appreciation of us the parents?

No matter what effort you made, your child will never forget how you made them feel about themselves. They will have images in their mind of how they felt in your presence and how you treated them and valued them as people. These are lasting images and will influence their longer term memories of their childhood and of your parenting. No pressure!

Think for a minute of your favourite teacher. What did you like about them? I am sure that how they treated you was a big part of your longer-term images of them.

The following thoughts may help you feel less pressured and happy in your own faith as an effective parent:

•  Little mistakes don’t really register in the longer term.

• Being a parent with the best intentions is good enough. If things do not go perfectly as planned so be it. Children need to learn that disappointment is part of growing up.

• Always watch the way and the intent of how you talk to your child. Be consistent in how you discuss matters. Changing tactics becoming angry etc. will unsettle your child.

• Your child does not expect you to be perfect. In fact, they like your natural style and value your honesty when making a mistake. Such honesty and ease in apologising, reassures them that you are human and will be empathetic to their needs.

• Whilst it is important to affirm them regularly, they also appreciate your honest appraisal of some of their activities. Listen to their concerns and be available for consultation when asked. Try to involve your child in as much decision making as possible. The more they feel part of the decisions, the more they engage and feel connected to the story.

• In making your child feel good about themselves, you need to be honest and open with them. They deserve honesty and value your truth when at times it comes with disappointment and loss. What is a parent if it is not to rear and nurture a happy, healthy individual born from the experience of being a happy child?

• Your disposition also has a strong influence on how your child feels and copes around you. The more they feel welcomed and find it easy to engage with you, the happier and more fulfilled they feel. It may seem strange but your style of parenting plays heavily on their sense of feeling valued and developing a healthy self-esteem.

• Think about what your child says about their favourite teacher. It is interesting to hear what makes them happy in being around them. No surprise that it will be linked to how much they feel valued and can trust their teacher.

Finally, just relax and take stock of all the good ways in which you parent. Don’t be troubled by small stuff, but keep your eye on the ball which is the longer-term gain of having reared a happy child whose memories of childhood will be warm and comforting thanks to you!

          ‘A happy childhood is perhaps the most important gift in life.’

                                                                    -Dorothy Richardson

The delight and significance of reading to your child.

There is something almost spiritual when you are curled up reading to your child in the comfort and silence of their room. The charm and the sense of connectedness touch new heights in relationship and deepens the warmth and tenderness of the occasion. This is a time when a story carries you and your child into a new magical space. You share that space together and it is a happy memorable occasion filled with mystery, hope and wonder. Mindfulness would tell us that it is all about the moment. What a charmed moment to share and savour together.

 Let us reflect on what are some of the advantages of reading to your child.

• It’s a shared experience. How many of those occasions do you get in a busy day with your child?

• Stories are built around a hope-filled message and together you get a chance to talk about all the life messages that are present in a story.

• It is also a time to reinforce your values when you read stories that illustrate important concepts to you. This is not about being manipulative but rather affirming some of the messages that appear throughout the book.

• This is a wonderful time for your child to talk about their feelings, fears, concerns etc. that may appear in some form in the story. Listen carefully as you will learn much from their interpretation of the story.

• Reading a story to your child is a chance to feel free and capture the joy of the writing and the wonderful images that are present in children’s books.  You too can rekindle the joy of children’s books for yourself which you may have long forgotten. It is not a duty to read to your child, it is a privileged moment, a time to rekindle your childhood. It’s about bringing back the magic.

• Absorbing yourself in the literature with your child transcends both of you into the same magical space. How often does that happen when every day as an adult we deal with our own realities.

• Reading all the positive outcomes of stories reminds us that happiness is worth pursuing. We live in a world where negativism can quickly rise to the surface, striking at the very heart of feeling happy. Reading children’s literature is full of joy and hope. We need a good dose of hope from time to time.

CS Lewis once said, ‘someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.”

What a wonderful opportunity to be immersed in fairy tales with your child. Long may the imagination in story live.

‘The journey of a life time starts with the turning of a page.’

Rachel Auders

Give your child occasions to make choices

There are many times across a day when you need to make choices. Some may seem automatic such as getting up in the morning to more complex decisions such as buying your house, car etc.

Children need occasions to make choices and grow to understand that in making choices we live with the consequences. Decision making can be taught as much as learnt on the run. For our children, teaching them that making their own decisions comes with the joy of owning the outcome and also learning from the outcome.

As parents, especially when our children are more dependent on us, we tend to make decisions for them so that they are safe and do not experience too much discomfort. But beware too much reliance on parents to make decisions for the child leads to too much dependency and delayed development emotionally and often socially. Never underestimate how your child can make sound choices for themselves. At an early age, the child needs to see that you trust them in making their own decisions.

You will find that as early as prep, teachers are expecting children to make decisions based on what they know and what has to date been their experience. Teachers may give two choices or widen the horizon as the child grows more mature showing a readiness to make bigger decisions. They will falter, make mistakes and experience loss and disappointment but such feelings will make them stronger and more resilient as time goes on. They will simply learn from experience and this will drive their future thinking and choices.

Consider the following ideas to help build a child’s confidence in making their own decisions as they mature:

• Encourage your child to make up their own mind. When they vacillate between ideas remind them that their final decision is valid, respected by you and is all about ‘Having a go.’ It is not your responsibility to fix their bad decisions. This must be worked through carefully with the child and they must own their responsibility to fixing problems.

• Decision making is all about developing the skill of survival. Teachers will use opportunities to encourage decision making across their school day. It could be as simple as what group the child should join, and what project they will choose. Teachers will also affirm children for showing initiative in making decisions outside their comfort zone. This shows they are seeking and developing independent thought.

• Be an opportunist with your child. There will be times in the day when you can stand back and invite your child to make choices.

                    ‘Which of these recipes will we cook tonight?’

                    ‘What program should we watch that includes everyone?’

• Be a great model in making choices. Talk to your children about life choices you have made and choices that are critical to your life’s happiness.  Explain how such choices have dictated some paths you have taken in life.

• Of course, making choices may from time to time have consequences. Here you need to be sensitive and not override their confidence in making decisions. But of course, they will need to learn from their mistakes.

• A great tool in helping children to make decisions is to have an inquiring mind as a parent. Ask them relevant questions such as:

‘Tell me why that choice is the best?’

‘Will you get many advantages from going in that direction?’

Above all as a parent you are gradually leading them to the light where they become confident, independent individuals who are comfortable making decisions for themselves and living with them.

‘The fact is that kids learn to make good decisions by making decisions not by following directions.’

                                                          -Alfie Kohn

Let’s teach our children to enjoy what they have and not seek out more

This is such a hard lesson when we live in a society that has so much. It is natural to want to give our children the very best of toys and games and of course the latest technological gadget. Fierce competition can exist between children when their peers seem to have the latest and the best.

No easy task for parents who want to teach their children how to enjoy what they have rather than seeking out the next improved item. We all seem to have a strong connection to stuff that we accumulate and of course of which we have sole ownership. Teaching our children to value what they have and to be less anxious about the next item to come along can be a difficult task.

Here are some thoughts to help in this area:

• Demonstrate how you are less possessive with your material things and happy to share with others.

• Perhaps you have prized old toys from your childhood. Talk about its value in travelling with you over the years.

• If you are a conscious recycler, it is wonderful to teach your children all about how waste items in the house are recycled. This is a great teaching tool about why we recycle plastics etc.

• From time to time, you may have clean outs in your child’s wardrobe. Talk about how they can be handed done to other children or sent to second hand shops to be reused. Hear it is all about developing in the child a desire to put new life into old items.

• When sorting toys, especially with younger children, talk about how much enjoyment the child has got from them and ensure your child takes ownership for the care and storage of their toys. Once children value their stuff they are more inclined to want to enjoy them for longer.

• Encouraging your child to play freely and use their imagination is a great way of relying less on toys.

• Suggest that they make their own items of play. This can be a fun way to enjoy the spirit of play without the stimulus of highly stimulating toys.

• We all have heard that having more makes us less interested in what we have, so teaching your child to reinvent their old toys into new forms of play can be a creative activity.

• Giving children exposure to the great outdoors and can be as simple as the backyard is opening up new avenues of play. Why not encourage toys to be taken into the garden, relocated into the bathroom when old or simply rearranged to create a new look for the toys. It’s all about being creative and teaching how material goods can take on new meaning.

• Your home is a perfect space to be showing the children how you manage the stuff that comes into your life. Your example when it comes to managing goods, collecting items etc., will have a strong influence on their developing perception of material goods. Especially how they are to be understood and managed.

• The curriculum in most schools does cover recycling, major environmental impacts etc. Your child will learn about environmental sustainability which will support and complement how you manage such matters in the home.

Finally, your home is a great space in which to teach children about the value of goods such as toys, and books. It is about making conscious efforts to awaken in the child an awareness that the old can be new again.

‘When you choose to collect EXPERIENCES rather than Things, you’ll never run out of storage space.’

                                                                       -Mum’s Little Explorer

A laugh a day can keep the blues at bay.

In all my time as a teacher and Principal, I always felt that classrooms filled with humour were happier and more enlivened spaces in which children could work and learn. Over the years walking around classrooms and observing the environment I would say that classrooms, where humour was part of the daily routine, were successful environments in which the children performed admirably. Children felt more secure around happy teachers and knew that their light approach and positive disposition gave them the security they needed to be themselves. A home that provides a similar climate will be one in which children will feel the lightness and joy that permeates through the house. The anxious level drops and the feeling of joy rises.

Laughter definitely unites us. When you laugh with your child it makes for a stronger connection, one in which you both feel secure and share in the same experience. Note that even small babies use the smiling muscles and are a joy when smiling at the family.

Socially laughing with people says that you are comfortable and happy in each other’s company. A child can learn much from how you embrace friends with laughter and joy. Here you teach them that it is such a positive way to stay connected.

When engaging with your child, laughter can reduce the pressure of the moment and it can take the sting out of more intense moments. It can reframe the situation and give you a chance to start afresh in conversation. It is also a great momentary escape when you are in a tense situation and you need to break from that moment.

It is believed that biologically, laughter calms the brain and reduces the build-up of cortisol. In our world where we hear so much about the importance of mental health, laughter is recognised as a great mental health additive. Young children by their happy disposition teach us that laughter is a wonderful way to live. As an adult, it is easy to lose our sense of humour as we become weighed down by so many negative feelings and demands.

Look at your child, see how spontaneously they laugh. Note how simple things can be such a joy to them and they can see the funny side of situations before we can notice them. Their natural disposition to be funny and laugh can teach us so much. It is not something in which we are expected to grow away.

In working with children, it was always important to only talk to them about serious matters when I was in a good mood. This then dictated how I presented myself and it enabled the child to feel happier, less angry and more comfortable in conversations.

Think about how you enjoy a laugh. Is it present in your family? If so, it will lighten the load and strengthen mental well-being for all. It is a family tonic that revitalises everyone. A dose a day will go a long way.

‘ Always find a reason to laugh. It may not add years to your life but will surely add life to your years.’

Managing children’s behaviour.

There is much to say about this topic but this article is to simply give you a broadsheet, a quick summary of what helps in the area of better management at home.

Firstly and no surprise, a child needs to live in a home that is a positive space and at all times, friendly. Here the child needs to really feel at home and it is a safe place where they get lots of positive encouragement and praise for good behaviour. Teachers are similarly aware that providing such a climate in the classroom gives children a feeling of being valued and wanting to learn. There is nothing more enjoyable than seeing a happy classroom in action.

The household should have clear rules and be a place where the child can see you, the parent living by the standards you set for them. The home is an important place of modelling for parents. The rules and values you live by should be evident in the home and form a good example for your child.

The home should be a stable place and provide emotional and physical security for the child. Never underestimate that the home is a safe haven for your child as they grow and deal with outside shifting and challenging life matters. The home is a place of physical and mental respite and one in which a child can be themselves.

Setting up regular patterns such as mealtime, bedtimes and other routines are important and provide consistency for the child. Of course, you will get objections from time to time but such challenges are normal, especially as the child grows and sees other models outside the home. Just as they grow you also need to adjust and modify rules to suit your growing child. Here I specifically refer to the importance of being flexible.

Create a home environment where the child feels they have a voice and that you see them as a legitimate person with evolving opinions, ideas and values. Be inclusive in your conversations with them and they will learn to see themselves as valid family members.  Their voice is important no matter what the age.

Teachers know that their classroom will generate much learning and stimulus if they provide an open and inviting style of classroom.  They know that they need to be consistent and authentic to get the best from their class.  It is amazing how such a climate can influence a child’s performance.

Finally, you will manage your child’s behaviour well if you are an approachable parent, a good listener, intuitive in what to challenge and in what to let go.

A wise parent knows that it is all about enabling your child to grow in different ways as opposed to overmanaging them.

‘There is no such thing as a perfect parent so just be a real one.’

Sue Atkins

Choose your battles

Are you the type of parent that becomes determined to deal with every conflictual situation that comes your way with your child? If so, are you exhausted? I would suggest that you consider choosing your battles and making well-informed decisions about the important matters that affect you and the family.

Teachers are very skilled at choosing their battles. They recognise that there are many factors that can impinge on a child’s behaviour from day to day. They try to understand what those factors are and this will guide them on how to respond when unacceptable behavioural issues occur. Sometimes they simply avoid noticing problems to reduce built-up tensions with the child in the classroom.

Here are a few thoughts on why choosing your battles is important in maintaining a strong and happy relationship with your child:

• Remember that there are many triggers that can set off poor behaviour which can escalate quickly. Before spontaneously reacting try to understand and listen to your child before responding too quickly. You may learn what drove the behaviour.

• Reflect on how quickly you react to situations. Is it possible for you to slow down and reflect a little deeper on the matter before you react? Are their triggers that set you off?

• Some of the behaviours that you dislike in your child, are they small irritants and can some of them be let go. The less we find ourselves reacting to children’s behaviour, the calmer we feel and also the child.

• You will gain a better response from your child if you only target problems that really need to be addressed. Challenging everything from slamming the door to being untidy can reduce a child’s interest in responding positively. They begin to see you as the nagger and their attention to your concerns is less.

• When you do target the serious matters do it in a way where you express your concerns and talk about the impact the behaviour has had on you and others.

• ‘I am disappointed that you hit your brother. He is now upset and it will take some time for me to settle him down.’ Here you are expressing really sound reasons about an incident that needs to be addressed. Choosing this battle will be effective and not clouded by smaller less important issues. This way the child knows that it is a serious business.

•  In choosing the important battles, this is a good time to really reflect on what are the triggers that really upset you. Remember that some of the smaller matters may not even have value or concern to other members of the family. What drives your feelings of disappointment?

•  Remember that many children’s behaviours are not done to get your attention or to annoy you. In fact, some are done simply to satisfy themselves. For example, playing in the mud, banging on pots etc. The challenge for you, the parent is to decide on what is important in their behaviour to change. What, within reason can you ignore? What is disturbing to you and the family? Can you tolerate some behaviour that simply is done for pleasure? It is worth reflecting on why you want or need to change some behaviour. After more reflection, you may be surprised at what you can let go. The more relaxed you become about incidentals, the better balanced you are in recognising what are significant problems.

Finally, it is a balancing act. Choose the battles that are necessary to change inappropriate behaviour, but loosen up on the less important behaviour that from time to time cross your path.

      ‘Pick your battles.

      You don’t have to show up to every

        ARGUMENT you are invited to.’

        -Mandy Hale

Keeping track of the media for children

There is so much news at the moment about the distressing situation in Ukraine, the ongoing battle with Covid and other local issues. The recent floods were very disturbing in Australia. It doesn’t take long for children to pick up that there is much anxiety and stress in our world.

Children’s exposure to television is a common way in which they pick up the news and often news items come intermittently throughout the day. Snippets of distressing news items appear across the screen spontaneously and often underlined in bold are the words, Breaking News. Immediately our eyes are drawn to the words and we anticipate reading something that has a shock factor. Our children are familiar with how television stations present their news and they can become conditioned into waiting with anticipation for what comes next.

No surprise that our children can be anxious about what they see and hear on the news. Also, schoolyard gossip can be quite instrumental in building feelings of anxiety about matters around which your child has no control.

Understanding that we live in a world where exposure to sudden shock news is evident, there are some practical ways in which you the parents can control what they are exposed to across the week.

• Keep an eye on the television when it is in public view. Children’s programs are controlled for news but not with other programs that are not child censored. This may mean turning off the television more frequently and being around your child during their viewing time.

• Have family conversations about how news works and encourage your child to talk about any issues they have seen which upset them. Your child needs to feel secure and comfortable in talking to you about feelings of being unsettled or issues that are disturbing.

• Consider where your television is placed in the house. Are you able to see and hear what they are watching? Being in the background and in easy reach of the remote is so important.

• Also, if you have newspapers lying around the house, if the headlines are provocative statements, keep them away from your child. It is very hard for children to understand the subtlety of newspaper headlines which can be conflicting and unsettling for little eyes.

• Educate your child about the news of the day. They should be kept up with what is important news but it must be age-appropriate and discussed in a gentle and responsible way. Teaching your child to read news with a responsible and objective outlook is important.

• As parents, we want our children to be gradually introduced into our wondrous world. We prepare them for what is ahead and we understand that they will take on global challenges in different ways. Giving them a slow and stable introduction to what the world presents on paper and screen is the best way for them to develop a critical and responsive eye, decipher the truth and put things into perspective. Anxiety is often bred from ignorance and a parent’s role is to give their child optimum opportunities to be in control of that anxiety.

‘It is commonly agreed that children spend more hours per year watching television than in the classroom, and far less in actual conversations with the parents.’

-Paul Wehrich

The importance of getting support when needed

As parents we simply don’t have all the answers. Just when we think we are on top of matters, our child surprises us with new challenges. They are growing all the time and with that growth comes new interests and new exposures to different experiences and challenges. We need to be ready and prepared as our parenting changes to accommodate our growing child.

It is mentally healthy to recognise that seeking help is an excellent response when needed.

Think about it for a moment. How you talk and parent a seven-year-old will be completely different to how you parent that child when turning fourteen. Who gives you the advice as your parenting needs to adjust to a child who is on the path to seeking independence and demanding personal space, independent thinking etc? This article is to remind you, the parent that seeking advice and help is a natural part of your ever evolving growth as a parent. You see we have to change as well as the child.

 Sometimes we can develop irrational thoughts on seeking advice.

Negative thoughts could include:

• If I cannot manage my child’s behaviour, I must be a failure as a parent. I don’t deserve that feeling when I try so hard.

• If I am in control I would not be at loggerheads with my child and feel useless in managing their behaviour. Why do I have these feelings of inadequacy when it is my child who has behaviour problems?

• I am embarrassed that I cannot manage my child and other people must consider me a bad parent.

• Perhaps my child is really bad and I have done a poor job in rearing them. Perhaps it is my fault after all.

These irrational thoughts can steer us aware from seeking help.

 When you seek help:

• You demonstrate that you value education. The more you know, the more capable, calm and confident you are in understanding the situation for what it is. It is a sound thing for your child to see that you are keen to learn more about parenting.

• It shows you care enough about your child to go beyond your own fears and seek others out for advice.

• It also demonstrates that you can recognise that there is a problem and that independent support is to be valued and respected.

• It shows your maturity in recognising that there are many ways to solve problems and using experienced support will be welcomed.

When seeking help consider places such as your local school and of course talking to your child’s teachers. They are wise enough to understand that home behaviour can be different from school.

Nowadays it is not difficult to look online for parental support and everything from psychologists to the local councils, welfare agencies etc. often run courses to help parents.

 By engaging such support, you will:

• Realise that your parenting is normal. There is no such thing as perfect parenting.

• They will provide moral and emotional support.

• They can help you work out a plan to address your concerns. Organisations can give you other networks to assist as well.

 Above all consider:

• It is normal to come across roadblocks in parenting. In fact, expect them from time to time. They are challenge points.

• As children grow their needs change and this will naturally challenge your parenting.

• It is mentally healthy to recognise that seeking help is an excellent response when needed.

Throughout your life as a parent, you are learning how to parent. It is not a static process and just like any form of learning we all need good teachers.

‘Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.’

-Charles R Swindoll

Differences in families

Did you notice that when your child started school there were many external influences that started to influence your child’s behaviour? Sometimes parents can become anxious when their child comes home, spouting different values from other children. This can be quite off putting for your family, especially as you have worked so hard to provide the best climate for your child in which to grow.

Well, we can always home school if we want our children to not be exposed to other thoughts, ideas and opinions. Of course, such an act will limit your child from being part of the real world. So, I believe embracing the differences in a responsible way is the best response.

 Consider:

• You are the most significant model for your child, especially in their early years. How you model your behaviour and life beliefs has the greatest value for them. However, a child will explore other values that they see and hear and, in some cases, admire. Be consistent with yours.

• When your child talks about what other families do and you don’t, best to listen with interest and talk about how that family embraces different concepts. If your child sees that you respect other families and their differences, they are more inclined to take you seriously.

• Take care not to criticise other families and their habits. That makes a child more curious to learn about the differences.

• Be inclusive. Your child will bring home friends that may challenge you in some way. Be accepting of who they bring home and do not be exclusive, especially with invitations for parties etc. Let your child see how you accept everyone with all their differences, but you strongly celebrate your own.

• Sometimes your child may talk about differences they notice and admire in other families. Listen with interest and ask questions. This is a great time to discuss how families have their own unique culture.

• Teachers are conscious to move children in their class onto different tables across the year. This is done to give all children exposure to each other and to learn from each other in different ways. Even if your child comes home angry that he is sitting next to the unpopular kid in the class, you can use this as an opportunity for him to work harder and learn about someone who is clearly different. We learn so much more about each other from adversity. It is very easy to enjoy likeminded friends. With others less likeable, we must develop more demanding social skills.

• There are many school-based occasions such as sports day, carnivals etc., when you as a family can meet a new set of parents and children. Let your child see how you seek out new people to meet and greet. Show them that being inclusive widens our thinking and demonstrates emotional maturity.

• When your child talks about a new friend they met at school, or chats about how they tried to include someone new into their group, affirm them.

‘I am so proud that you included that sad child into your group. How generous you are and what a difference it will make to them.’

It is a positive way of reinforcing the value of inclusion into a family of friends.

There is much to be learnt when a child starts school. Their emotional and social growth is all the richer for embracing the wonderfully rich tapestry of different families across the years.

‘It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognise, accept and celebrate those differences.’

-Audre Lorde

When home life changes

We all know that personal assurance for children is so important in their life to give them a feeling of being safe and secure. However, life can sometimes interfere with the perfect journey of children from birth to adulthood. Life can change in an instant or it can be slow and a gradual relinquishing of feeling secure. Shock can enter the scene and some children have many facets of grief to work through over time. No reasonable adult wants this for their child but life can change and this will involve the children.

It is a natural consequence that their sense of security and well being will be affected. They will go through many emotions including:

• Were they at fault?

• What about feelings of being left alone?

• Are they still really loved?

• Feeling insecure and less capable individuals.

 Their list goes on but overall, the child feels fragile and a great sense of loss.

The parent will be experiencing a mixture of feelings themselves and may rely on their children for emotional support. Feeling vulnerable as a parent means that emotional expectations will be high for the child.

 Consider:

• Always reassure the child that they are loved by both parents. It is most important to comment on both parents.

• Reassure your child that the breakup was not of their doing. They are free of any responsibility. Keep reassuring your child about this fact as they can quickly slip into a belief that they caused it.

• Keep home life stable as is possible. Make sure that the child knows exactly where when and with whom they are on each day. They will become quite anxious if there is instability and frequent change in this area. Even being on time for pickups is so important to offer reassurance to the child.

• Remember that one on one time and quality listening time with your child is important while crisis is underway.

• Let them talk and give them time to express themselves about what is on their mind. Often a child will go quiet when crisis hits. Best to keep the conversation flowing.

• Behaviour can change as the child deals with their anxiety. Be tolerant and patient when you receive mixed messages from poor behaviour. School performance can suddenly drop off and interest in outside activities can diminish.

• As adult emotions under crisis can be expressive, try not to criticise or talk badly about the individuals involved. A child listens and will be quite confused and talk less when there is unhealthy dialogue around people they love.

The key point is to provide ongoing love, understanding, reassurance and stability in difficult times. Try to remember that whilst you are going through a personal crisis, there is no avoiding that your child will be experiencing emotionally charged times. Accept that you will need support and so to your child. Rely on family support and networks that will minimise some of the impacts. All support is welcome.

‘In family crisis, parents have the opportunity to show children not to fear life uncertainties but to meet them head on Together, strengthened by unity.’

-Elle C Mayberry

Catching good behaviour isn’t that difficult

 We certainly are quick to notice the behaviour that troubles us. We have an immediate reaction to stop it and deal with the matter which is annoying us. How often do we reward our child in spontaneous ways? Do we notice the various spontaneous occasions that can be rewarded and often through different ways?

Never underestimate the value of the positive words you use with your children. There is a clever way of getting even smarter with words and that is by picking up on spontaneous positive moments you notice.

‘You certainly have good manners. Thanks for passing the bread so quickly.’

‘I love the way you close the care door gently. It is good manners.’

‘I notice how you listen to your friends when they tell you, their stories. You are a very empathetic person.’

‘What a gentleman. You carried the groceries in to the kitchen.’

‘How happy you make me when I see how you care for your little brother.’

‘Thanks for picking up the mess. I am just too tired.’

‘You are such a fair person when you play games. You always share with the other person.’

Note that all the above are incidental statements that can be said on the run. The trick is to notice behaviour at a deeper level and comment on how they impact on you or are just simply noticed qualities you admire. The use of good language is important. Sometimes we forget to praise behaviour that is actually building emotional maturity. This involves affirming their generosity, kindness to others, empathy to children. If you think about today’s experiences, were there occasions where you could have simply noticed something you like about your child?

Once a child realises that you notice and appreciate them in different forms, they are more inclined to repeat that behaviour. What you notice about them is how you define them. Their sense of how they are valued comes from how you treat them and especially the words you use to describe them.

There are many ways to listen to your child and one special way is to affirm them in subtle ways.  You are listening to their rhythm of life and celebrating what makes them special.

‘Affirm people. Affirm your children. Believe in them, not in what you see but in what you don’t see. their potential.’

-Stephen R Covey

Respect the difference each child brings to the family

How often do we hear ourselves uttering how different our children are?

We often ask the question,

‘How can they be so different and yet they come from the same family?’

‘Why is my second child so different in temperament to my first child?’

‘Where did I get these children from?’

So many confused and challenging thoughts go through our minds when we reflect on the often-profound differences we see in our children.

There is a different mixture of genes in each child and this will provide a variety of personalities, physical differences, etc. Also, each child has different experiences in the same family especially given their order in the family. They will often see the same situation in a completely different way.

Talk to the first child and they will tell you about expectations placed on them. Sometimes a second child takes more risks and is not so uptight and focussed on perfections. And so, the variation goes on.

What we need to keep in mind is that each child is an individual and will expect to be treated as an individual with understanding and empathy to their special temperament. Treating all children, the same may not always work.

Have you noticed that when you have your second child your parenting changes and this means that your second child will be treated slightly differently? There are multiple variations in how we parent over time and this is all part of the shifting tapestry of family over the years.

Consider:

• How you parent should and will be different for all your children.

• Children who tend to be active, unsettled and strong willed will require more attention and parenting will need to be focussed with lots of understanding and boundaries.

• Celebrate their differences. Make it clear to all the family that you love their differences and that each one is a special individual. This is important as sibling rivalry can easily start up when differences are highlighted in a negative way.

• Sometimes more demanding children will need more of your attention. This is normal and can sometimes make parents anxious that they are not giving enough time to quieter, less troubled children. You are human and can only spread yourself so far. It is just a fact that some children need you more. It happens in all families.

• Tap into each child at a special one-on-one time. A child loves this time and it helps them feel personally connected to you.

• A child loves their one-on-one time with you the parent and also, they love their connected time with siblings. Try and provide a balance so that the family enjoy stable happy times together where their individualism is still given room to grow. The more we acknowledge their differences, the greater symmetry you have as a family and the more understanding for each other is expressed.

‘Kids don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember who you are.’

-Jim Henson

Consider avoiding confrontation where possible.

As children grow older, you may find it better to avoid confrontations and find different ways to amend the situation. Confrontation can be a damaging process for all involved. This is also about being proactive where possible. The less confrontation you have, the better you feel and the overall happiness of the house is maintained. More conflict or the anticipation of potential conflict makes for an unhappy situation.

If your child is inclined to be confronting you about requests you make, consider temporarily delaying the discussion until they are more inclined to listen and work with you over the matter. Finding the right time for both parent and child can make such a difference to the outcome.

Also plan ahead. If you anticipate that your child will react to your request have early discussions about what you expect and how you will help your child reach those goals. Set the scene so that it is not such a big surprise later.

Give your child choices. For example, ‘It is important to clean up the room so that you can go to basketball training’. Make it a clear statement that one action leads to the other. Your child might create their own choices that work for both of you.

Some children need you to be very specific and say it as it is. Without clear directions and consequences, it is difficult for the child to grasp the extent of the problem. Of course, from time to time it is important to sit quietly and actively listen to how they feel about a range of matters. Children who can be confrontational need frequent discussions as they are often quick to be reactive and need your gentle listening skills to understand how they deal with frustration.

In working with children who were quick to be confrontative, it took some time to build a relationship and get them to trust that you were a listener and understood how they felt. They needed to feel reassured that you were not quick to react when you heard things that might make you unsettled. Far too often quick to react children are labelled trouble makers and they often fit that pattern and become easily labelled. Bad experiences beget bad experiences.

 Sometimes parents like setting up contracts with children. I am not a great fan of this method but it can work if both parents and child feel comfortable about the process. Don’t forget to affirm your child when they honour the contract. It is most important here that they feel recognised.

 ‘I statements’ are a clear message to the child about how you feel and don’t forget the wonderful effect of positive ‘I’ statements.

 ‘I really appreciate you cleaning up the yard and now we can find more time to play together. That contract really works.’

Above all understand that confrontation is sometimes necessary. However, with careful planning, strong effective listening and an empathetic approach to your child, the impact of confrontation is reduced.

‘Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.’

-Dorothy Thomas

Who has rights in the family?

Everybody has rights in a family. No one is excluded from having rights, no matter what age or disposition. When we reflect more deeply on this, it can help us put things into perspective. Often, we can be overwhelmed by our role as parents and unsure about our rights in that role. We can sometimes wonder about the vulnerability of our children and what part we play in making them secure. Where do we draw the lines of responsibility and accountability?

A child has a right to be physically nurtured and this includes providing food, shelter, emotional security, etc. They also have a right to grow up feeling safe and secure. This safety is all about physical, sexual and emotional safety.

A child also has a right to be educated and intellectually stimulated bringing them to an independent, happy adult. These rights sound practical and logical but we all know that there is deprivation in some situations. As a responsible parent, it is comforting and reassuring to know that you are honouring what is an expectation from society.

From time to time, as a parent, it can be frustrating when you feel that acting in a strict controlling way may be reducing their liberties. Are you treating your child in an appropriate manner? Is it acceptable for me to control punishments and cause unhappiness?

 The best advice here is:

• If you are disciplining fairly and justly with an understanding of a child’s needs by active listening then you are acting in the best interests of the child.

• Parents have rights. These include deciding on how you will rear your child subject to the aforementioned child’s needs.

• As a parent, you can look at the standards of behaviour that are acceptable to you. Using discipline is acceptable and once again all seen in the context of the rights of the child.

• Surprisingly I would add that you have the right to find time for yourself and nurture yourself. Such self-care strengthens good parenting and is necessary for personal satisfaction.

• You also have the right to be treated with respect and dignity by your child. The best way to set this up is to model the same behaviour to your child.

Over the past few years, schools must develop a Code of Conduct. This includes understanding the rights of children, the dignity of staff, community needs, equal opportunity etc. It is quite an exercise and staff take time to study and develop their Code of Conduct.  Once developed it is a living document practised by the school. Whilst families don’t formally develop such documents it is good to remind ourselves that as family, we need to live around each other sensitive to each other’s rights.  By setting comfortable boundaries that come with understanding and flexibility for the growing child, we set up a safe environment for everyone.

These rights simply remind us that both children and adults should be given special priority as human beings. The more we model sound parenting with an understanding of a child’s growing and changing needs, the better the return in how they respect and treat us in the long run. Good modelling begets good modelling.

‘When we don’t stand up for children... then we don’t stand for much.’

Marian W Edelman

How to deal with giving consequences for problem behaviour

I totally dislike the word Punishment. It has such dark and serious connotations and for a child it can be quite overwhelming when they hear there will be punishment for bad actions. How about saying there will be some consequences for poor behaviour.

Does your child know what they did wrong and who was hurt as a result of poor behaviour?

When a child receives affirmation and positive consequences for a job well done, it is logical that when behaviours are negative, some form of negative consequences can be given.

Here are some important aspects of dealing with problem behaviour that should be understood when managing negative behaviour with children.

• Always be clear in articulating what the problem was, as often children are not sure why they are being given consequences. Sometimes an emotionally charged child will not hear what you have to say, so repeating is sometimes important.

• Remember that you are upset about the poor behaviour and not the child. It is a fact that children can think that you don’t like them, when in fact it is the behaviour you do not like.

• Response to poor behaviour should be as immediate as possible. The waiting game for consequences loses its value and can be upsetting unnecessarily for the child.

• Be consistent. If you give a consequence, then follow it through. A child can be very confused and anxious if you plan consequences but don’t follow through.

• Always affirm the child after the consequences.

          ‘I appreciate how quickly you cleaned your room after you were told. I love how                      responsible you can be when we need to deal with matters.’

• Small consequences can be highly effective and deal with the matter quickly. If you find that you are giving far too many consequences it might be time for a rethink as to what is going wrong. Perhaps a good time for some active listening with your child to hear their concerns.

• Only use consequences that are reasonable and proportional to the poor behaviour. Sometimes a child is not actually aware that the behaviour is poor and you may need to talk to them about what upset you.

• Children are more inclined to accept the consequences of their actions if they understand what they did was wrong and especially if they understand who was hurt as a result. Never presume they have the full wisdom behind their actions and they need your support in explaining why it was wrong and who is affected.

• Watch the tone of your voice when giving consequences. Remain calm and stable with a voice that is not too loud or intimidating. Such reactive behaviour is all about exerting power over the child which ultimately fails as a parenting tool.

As the main role model for the developing child, what you teach them about appropriate and inappropriate behaviour will very much reflect your values. Therefore, you have a major role in teaching and modelling positive behaviour which has such an impact on your child.

                         ‘Children need love especially when they do not deserve it.’

                                                                                         -Harold Hubert