Raise a Hopeful Child: The Power of a Proactive Parent

As parents, we often find ourselves reacting to moods, meltdowns, lost lunchboxes, and unexpected worries. What if, instead of reacting, we became proactive in shaping the way our children see the world?

Taking a proactive stand isn’t just about routines and boundaries (though those matter). It’s about becoming a quiet architect of your child’s mindset, helping them build resilience, hope, and the ability to look for opportunity even in tough times.

Why Proactive Parenting Matters for Mental Health

Children’s mental health isn’t only about what goes wrong, anxiety, sadness, or stress but about what’s built up before those moments. A proactive approach gives your child tools to handle life before it overwhelms them. It's a map through the storm. A positive outlook in a parent is very catchy with their child.

1. Speak the Language of Possibility

Children are always listening. Every time we say, “That’s too hard,” they absorb that as truth. But if we say, “Let’s try,” or “We’ll figure it out,” we are teaching them to hope. Anything is possible is the motto.

Try this:

Instead of: “Maths is hard, isn’t it?”

Say: “This looks tricky, but let’s see what we can do.”

Over time, your child starts to think, “I can try,” rather than, “I’m stuck.”

2. Name Strengths, Not Just Struggles

It’s easy to focus on what children aren’t doing — not sitting still, not finishing homework, not listening. But if we call out what is working, we help them see themselves as capable.

Example:

“You really kept going, even when that puzzle was frustrating. That’s called perseverance. It’s a brilliant strength.” Naming the good makes it grow. Be an opportunist, spot the strengths.

3. Model Hope, Even in Small Things

If your child sees you problem-solve calmly, laugh at mistakes, and stay optimistic, they’re more likely to do the same. Be authentic when dealing with your child.

For instance:

When plans change unexpectedly, say:

“Well, that’s not what we thought would happen! Let’s make a Plan B.”

This shows them that life doesn’t have to go perfectly to go well.

4. Ask Empowering Questions

When your child is upset, don’t rush in with solutions. Instead, invite them to think.

• “What do you think we could try next?”

• “What helped last time?”

• “If your friend felt like this, what would you say to them?”

These questions grow problem-solving skills and emotional confidence.

What’s the Takeaway?

Being proactive isn’t about being perfect. It’s about planting seeds of courage, optimism, and hope in the everyday moments. It’s small words, quiet praise, and helping your child look ahead instead of feeling stuck.

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.”

— Helen Keller

Simple ways to help your child with their anxiety issues

If you’ve ever felt like your child worries more than they should, or gets overwhelmed by small setbacks, you’re not alone. Today’s children are growing up in a world full of pressure: school demands, social media, the news, even our own stress. It's no wonder anxiety is showing up more in younger children.

However we can teach them how to be resilient,

What Does Anxiety Look Like in Young Children?

Children often don’t say “I’m anxious”, instead, it shows up in their behaviour:

• They might refuse to go to school.

• They complain of tummy aches with no medical cause.

• They get tearful or angry when a routine changes.

• They say things like, “I can’t do it” or “Everyone’s better than me.”

• They become silent

Sound familiar? These are all ways that anxiety can appear in children, especially in the early years and primary school.

So, What Can Parents Do Right Now?

1. Name the Feeling

Young children often feel better just from knowing what they’re feeling has a name.

Instead of saying: “Don’t worry — it’s nothing.”

Try: “It sounds like you’re feeling a bit nervous. That’s okay — we all feel like that sometimes.”

This helps them recognize and label emotions, which is the first step in managing them.

2. Model 'Brave Behaviour'

Children learn most from what they see. If they watch you facing challenges (even small ones) with a steady attitude, they start to believe they can do the same.

For example:

“I’ve got a big presentation at work today and I feel nervous, but I’ve prepared, and I’m going to try my best.”

This shows that being nervous is normal, and that bravery means doing things even when we feel a bit scared. Show them it’s all about taking control of those nervous feelings.

3. Praise the Process, Not Just the Outcome

Instead of focusing on whether something was done perfectly, celebrate the effort.

For example:

“I saw you kept trying with that tricky puzzle. That was brilliant persistence!”

This builds a growth mindset, helping children see setbacks as part of learning, not signs of failure.

4. Small actions count

Encourage small acts of courage every day. Start with achievable steps, like putting their hand up in class, or trying a new food and celebrate them. Multiple small achievements that are praised make a big difference!

Make a “Brave Jar” at home: every time your child does something that feels brave, they get to put a marble or token in the jar. Watch it grow!

5. Create Calm Routines

Predictable routines help anxious children feel safe. Try keeping mornings calm and consistent, breakfast, brushing teeth, packing bags in the same order. Same organized routine for nigh time.

6. Watch Your Own Anxiety

Children are emotional sponges. If you’re often saying, “I’m so stressed,” or showing panic in tough situations, they will absorb that.

Take moments to breathe, pause, and model calm responses even when you’re faking it a bit. You’re teaching emotional regulation without saying a word. Try to avoid words about yourself like stress, anxious, frightened ,weak, vulnerable.

When Should You Seek Help?

If your child’s anxiety is stopping them from taking part in everyday life, refusing school regularly, withdrawing from friends, or having frequent meltdowns, it might be time to talk to the teacher, your GP, school councillor or a child therapist.

Final Thought: Bravery Grows Slowly — But It Grows

Raising a resilient child doesn’t mean they’ll never struggle. It means they’ll know how to bounce back, try again, and keep going. That’s the greatest gift we can give them. It’s called resilience.

You don’t need to have all the answers. Let them see that we are not all perfect. Just walk alongside them, name the feelings, and keep reminding them: “You’ve got this, and I’ve got you.”

“It’s not whether you get knocked down. It’s whether you get up.”

— Vince Lombardi

5 TIPS TO REDUCE ANXIETY IN YOUR CHILD WHEN STARTING SCHOOL

Starting a new school year can be a big transition for many children, especially if they're nervous. Here are some tips for parents to help their child feel more confident and less anxious:

1. Familiarise Them with the School

• Why it works: New places can feel scary. Making the school feel familiar reduces the unknowns.

• Example: Walk around the school grounds together. Show them where the classrooms and toilets are. If the teacher is available, introduce them to your child.

• Story: “Last year, Mia visited her new school with her dad a week before it started. On the first day, she already knew how to find her classroom, so she felt less nervous walking in.”

2. Practise the School Routine

• Why it works: A predictable routine helps children feel prepared and in control.

• Example: One week before school starts, wake up at the time they’ll need to for school, eat breakfast, and pack a pretend lunch together. Practice leaving the house on time.

• Story: “Jason and his mum did a ‘practice day’ where they packed his backpack and walked to the bus stop. On the first day, Jason felt ready because he’d already done it once.”

3. Role-Play Scenarios

• Why it works: Practising interactions can build confidence.

• Example: Pretend to be a new classmate, and practise introducing themselves: “Hi, I’m Alex. What’s your name?” Also, practise asking the teacher questions like, “Can you help me with this?”

• Story: “Sophia was nervous about making friends, so her dad played the role of a shy classmate. After practising, Sophia felt ready to say hello to new kids at recess.”

4. Plan a Special "Back-to-School Tradition"

• Why it works: Creating a positive tradition makes the start of school exciting.

• Example: Let them pick out their first-day outfit, decorate their notebook with stickers, or have a “back-to-school breakfast” with their favourite food.

• Story: “Every year, Ella’s family bakes pancakes in the shape of letters spelling her name. It makes the first day of school something she looks forward to instead of dreading.”

5. Normalize Their Feelings

• Why it works: Knowing it’s okay to feel nervous helps kids manage their emotions.

• Example: Share a story about a time you felt nervous but things turned out okay, like starting a new job. Then talk about how they can overcome similar fears.

• Story: “When Liam told his mum he was scared about meeting new classmates, she said, ‘I felt the same way on my first day at work, but I ended up making friends. Let’s think of ways you can make friends, too.’

These examples make the advice practical and relatable for parents. Think about your child and what best works for them. Keeping anxieties to a minimum gives your child the best start for the year.

“Loving school is all about feeling safe and comfortable”

— Gail J Smith

Why it is important to monitor the mental health of your child

It is such a complicated world now that we are always in the throws of social media etc. There is much for our children to absorb and to learn. We know that keeping our children happy and feeling secure in the early years is critical to building mental stamina.

The following thoughts remind us of the importance of being aware of how your child is handling their mental health.

Good mental health in the early years can:

• Prevent Anxiety and Depression: Early monitoring helps identify signs of anxiety and depression, allowing for timely intervention and reducing long-term impacts.

• Promote Academic Success: A mentally healthy child is more focused, engaged, and motivated in school, leading to better academic performance.

• Encourage Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Regular check-ins teach children how to manage stress and emotions, fostering resilience and emotional intelligence.

• Strengthen Parent-Child Connection: Being attentive to a child's mental health builds trust and opens lines of communication, making children more likely to share their feelings.

• Reduce Risk of Substance Abuse: Monitoring mental well-being can help prevent negative behaviours, such as substance abuse, that children might turn to as coping mechanisms.

• Support Long-Term Well-being: Ensuring good mental health in childhood sets the foundation for a happier, more balanced adult life, with fewer mental health issues.

Of course we do not live in a perfect world and from time to time your child will be challenged on various levels especially socially and emotionally. Simply be there, understand, listen well and together find solutions to problems. That kind of nurture builds resilience and reassurance in children.

“Tears fall for a reason and they are your strength not weakness.”

— Charlie Mackesy

Keep An Eye On Your Child's Mental Health

From time to time check in on your child's mental health. Situations can change quickly for a child such as school issues, friendships etc and parents need to notice if there are shifts in their child's behaviour or general mood. A child's life is very fluid and we need to swim with them in the shifting emotional waters where there are ebbs and flows throughout the years. 

Consider:

Early Detection of Issues:

Why it matters: Just like physical health, early detection of mental health issues can lead to more effective treatment.

Example: If a parent notices their child is unusually withdrawn or anxious, addressing it early can prevent more serious issues like depression or anxiety disorders. Be alert to changed moods.

Impact on Academic Performance:

Why it matters: Mental health significantly affects a child's ability to learn and perform in school.

Example: A child struggling with undiagnosed ADHD or anxiety may have trouble focusing or completing homework, leading to poor grades and low self-esteem. Poor performance can have a lot to do with diminishing self-confidence.

Social Development:

Why it matters: Healthy mental well-being is essential for developing strong social skills and forming healthy relationships.

Example: A child with unmanaged social anxiety might struggle to make friends or interact with peers, affecting their social development. Shifts in friendship groups can also impact their emotional well-being and inability to manage bullying.

Preventing Harmful Behaviours:

Why it matters: Unaddressed mental health issues can sometimes lead to harmful behaviours, such as substance abuse or self-harm.

Example: Recognising signs of distress and providing support can steer a child away from coping mechanisms that can be harmful in the long run. Keep an eye on eating patterns as eating disorders can become serious mental health issues.

Building Resilience:

Why it matters: Understanding and managing mental health from a young age helps children develop resilience, which is crucial for coping with life's challenges.

Example: Teaching children healthy coping mechanisms and emotional regulation skills can prepare them to handle stress and adversity more effectively as they grow.

A major foundational tool in preventing mental health issues is building in a child a strong sense of self-worth. Being parents who listen well to their children, place no judgement on them and affirm them regularly in a loving way strengthens their sense of self-worth.

Little by little affirm those little successes you see each day in your child. Those little successes become strong foundational blocks for building a pyramid of emotional well being.

 -Gail J Smith

Help your child have a great start to the school year

It is different experience for every child and of course the child's order in the family will impact on how a child adjusts to school. Every child though will experience some anxiety mixed with excitement as they begin a new year. As a parent, there are some actions you can take to ease the pressure for your child and let them know that you are sharing this time together. Connect well and early in the year with the school.

Routine is important

Set a consistent daily routine that includes a regular wake-up time, meal schedule, and bedtime. Routines provide stability and help children feel more secure as they start school. Children need their boundaries and rituals.

Keep the conversation going

Foster open communication with your child. Ask about their day, listen actively and be supportive. This helps them feel comfortable sharing their experiences and concerns. Try not to probe with too many questions.

Set up a homework space for your child

Designate a quiet and organized space for homework. Having a dedicated area fosters concentration and helps your child establish good study habits. Get them involved in choosing and setting up this space.

Start giving them independent tasks

Encourage your child to take on age-appropriate responsibilities. This builds a sense of independence and helps them develop essential life skills. School will be teaching about being independent learners.

Keep the balance at home

Emphasize the importance of a healthy lifestyle. Ensure your child gets enough sleep, eats nutritious meals, and stays active. A healthy body supports a healthy mind. Perhaps they can help create their own nutritious lunch box.

Connect well and early in the year with the school

Establish a positive relationship with your child's teachers. Attend parent-teacher meetings, stay informed about school activities, and collaborate with educators to support your child's learning. Simply be in touch regularly.

Celebrate special moments along the way

Celebrate both big and small achievements. Positive reinforcement encourages your child's efforts and boosts their confidence as they navigate the challenges of school.

Build social stamina in your child

Encourage your child to make new friends and be kind to others. Developing social skills is an essential aspect of their overall growth and well-being.

Learning to be adaptable

Acknowledge that starting school may bring changes and challenges. Be patient, offer reassurance, and help your child adapt to the new environment. Talk about how change can be a positive thing.

Being involved helps your child adapt to school

Stay involved in your child's education. Attend school events, volunteer when possible, and stay informed about their progress. Your active involvement reinforces the importance of education in their life. Children learn with a lot more enthusiasm when they know you value education.

Never underestimate the difference you make to a child’s settling into school. Your reassurance and presence gives them a feeling of being safe and not dealing with the adjustment on their own. They grow stronger from your encouragement and presence.

“The beautiful thing about learning is that no one can take it away from you.”

— B B King

Keep the conversations alive and frequent with your child

Now that school is back, our children will feel all the demands and expectations being placed on schools with regard to health and safety matters concerning the state of the virus in schools.  They will also be reflecting on how they will personally manage under the circumstances and questioning what really makes them safe. Of course, there will be much reassurance coming from teachers and as the parent, you will be putting everything in place as requested by the school and Government requirements.

 Actually, whilst we will all do our best, consider what is important to help your child process through the days, weeks, months and terms ahead? Children will always want to do the right thing and will be anxious if rules are broken or the messages unclear. They will then begin to feel vulnerable and anxious about what to believe. What I recommend is simply to keep the conversations alive at home.

 Consider:

• Conversations should be active and frequent at home with regard to how you are all managing the rules. Let your child tell their story about how their day went and what influenced decisions. Let them feel comfortable in talking about their fears and troubles across the day which at times could be challenging.

• Encouraging conversation invites your child to keep the talk going about how they are feeling or concerns they have that need addressing. Schoolyard talk can incite fears and phobias. Frequent parental talk can easily dispel such fears.

• Conversations need to be positive about how so many successful approaches are being taken to help at school. Remember that providing hope is an important part of our narrative.

• In the conversation invite your child to talk about how the rules at school are working. Talk about a fundamental point which is, that it is all about feeling safe. Demonstrate that you trust and value the work the school is doing to make your child safe. Feeling safe is the bottom line when it comes to conversation

• Regular small spontaneous discussions can be the order of the day. It is all about giving children a chance to discuss their feelings and their journey through the pandemic. Small incidental reassuring chats can make all the difference

• Be an effective and patient listener when your child talks about their experiences. If any issues concern you try to keep emotion in tact as children will pick up your anxiety quickly.

• Talking about issues that make you anxious can be very emotionally tiring. Choose the best time to talk to your children and keep it sweet and to the point. A child’s day should be primarily filled with joy. The topic of the pandemic is heavy.

• Remember that classrooms will be frequently discussing their health agendas and teachers will treat it as part of the normal daily routine. When talking to your child about the topic, build it into some normal routine if possible. Perhaps a discussion at dinner or bedtime etc. You will be the best judge of the timing and place.

Finally, the best protection for our children is to keep gently educating them on how we are understanding and managing the virus.  Knowledge is power and they are entitled to be in control of that themselves. The more they are in control of themselves, the mentally safer they are and the happier they will be in being personally confident.

‘You’ve always had the POWER my dear, you just had to learn it for YOURSELF.’

                 -Wizard of Oz’

As we anticipate the end of the year

So much change and difference has been occurring this year. The news each day about the pandemic, the staggered return to school, the anticipation of holidays, the finishing off a very short unsatisfying school year and so the list goes on. It is natural that our children will be cautious and double-checking with us about holidays plans, Christmas etc.

All of us are placing hope in the new year that it will be as normal as we have had in the past. Children also are quietly placing their own hope in the new year that they will not be anxious anymore about the unknown.

𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐧:

• Talk about the positive news we here especially with regard to the incredible speed of the vaccine.

• Talk about the holidays and Christmas being a time to slow down, enjoy the summer spirit and share happy times together. Talk about the plans that you are putting in place for January.

• There are some good news stories appearing in the paper. Talk about the great examples of courage and generosity that are present in our society.

• Invite your child to be part of the holiday plans. This is also a time to talk about what is possible as a family.

• What kind of Christmas are you planning? This is a great time to inject happy, positive feelings around the family. Consider how you will celebrate the festive season and include your child in the planning. The more they engage in activities that are affirming and joyous the more reassurance they gain about the future. We are all talking about the new norm we will live in post the pandemic. Let us at least try to put back some happy normality such as the celebration of Christmas, Summer and holidays. We are fortunate to have this on our doorstep.

• There will soon be the end of the year school functions and it is so important that the children farewell their class in the normal way. Teachers will of course modify the celebrations to suit the occasion but it is a chance to talk about the year and the challenges it has presented. It will be a chance for all school participants to farewell the grief that all felt with such a compromised school this year.

• Try to attend farewell school functions if included as it provides some security and a sense of normality for the child. It also is a vehicle to talk about the modified school year and the loss the child has felt with friendships etc.

• Even though as family lockdown presented all sorts of challenges and opportunities school holidays are all about rest and recovery. Giving your child what would be a normal family Christmas and holiday will be comforting and reassuring after such a tumultuous year. They will love that sense of normality in their life.

Finally, whilst I understand that we’re all talking about what has happened this year, try to reduce the anxious conversation around your child and talk about the hope of Christmas and the New Year. Such talk is healthy for everyone in the family.

How to stop the worry with issues like coronavirus.

With social media and the general community talk that happens across all aspects of society, it is very difficult to control the information that your child receives around such matters as Coronavirus.

This is an occasion to teach our children about how to process difficult situations that can raise the anxiety very quickly, especially when a large part of society is involved.

Explaining Coronavirus to our children

Let’s look at how we can use this occasion to help our child manage anxiety that can be disproportionate at times.

•      Education is the key to everything. No matter how old your child, giving them clear information that is age appropriate is the first and best key to managing this situation. Education gets us all out of jail.

•      I appreciate that the information may not be what we want to hear but if you explain how the virus works, best ways to prevent it from spreading and discuss how various people in authority are managing it, this all helps to build up a picture of security for the child.

•      keep your child gently informed about it by having responsible family discussions from time to time. If your child is at school, it is important to debrief regularly to ensure that they are not hearing misleading information from others. This is all about controlling unnecessary fear that can escalate if not managed well. Always keep in mind that educating your child through this crisis makes them feel reassured and safe. After all the truth sets us free.

•      when you hear some positive feedback about how it is being managed, ensure that this is under discussion with your child. It is important to keep that element of hope and reassurance in the conversation especially around such an unsettling topic.

•      if your child is at school, keep well informed about how the school is discussing the virus. The information you give your child should not contradict what the school is saying to the children.

•      keep your child in safe hands. By that I mean regularly monitor who your child is associating with as they may be in a situation where the talk and anxiety is quite high.

•      take care to control the media information that the child is exposed to through television. Unfortunately, media will sensationalise situations and highlight the fear prevalent in society. Your child’s best way to manage this is by gradually giving them updated accurate information that suits their age group.

•      as a family not to talk loosely about what is a happening as the child is quick to pick up incidentals that feed into irrational fear. Allow them to ask questions and to feel that their questions are real and relevant. If they ask questions freely this helps them express underlying fears.

•      at this important time, modelling a calm steady parental approach that is honest with the child is the best. Be happy to keep them informed and offering reassurance when there are some positive outcomes to report.

By teaching them to approach such disturbing matters in a rational, emotionally mature way will reassure your child that the world is a controllable space and my parents strongly support my desire to know the truth.

Some anxiety is quite normal

Do we worry about our children becoming anxious?

Some parents become quite concerned about their child having some anxiety and as such work on overdrive to take it all away. Sadly, as school Principal, I came across some situations where parents would not send their children to school on certain days if they felt anxious about any matter such as friendships issues, tests, sports day etc. In the case of visiting elderly homes, a common excursion in schools, a few parents didn’t want their children to visit them in case it upset their child seeing an old person who may die.

A big discussion in education is the business of sport and rewarding children for winning races etc. Some schools have opted to only distribute involvement ribbons so that children will not be upset about not winning.

A child who has success in working through mild anxieties is more resilient when bigger anxieties come their way.

And so, the debate rages in education about the value of rewarding success over effort. This article is not about finding the right solution to the debate but it is all about suggesting that some anxiety is good for a child. Call it a necessary growth curve.

Children need to be exposed to opportunities in order to work through some anxiety. This often includes giving them more independence. Certainly more emotional independence.

“It seems that you feel a little anxious about the test today. Good luck. You are making the effort which is itself a success”

 It is here all about giving the child the skills to work through the anxiety.

“Good luck in the race. I am so pleased you are having a go. Well done.””

 The child may not win the race but will feel better for exposing themselves to the process. This feeling of being part of the race gives them a feeling of involvement and achievement.

“Today, I hear you are visiting an aged facility to visit older people. You will see many people who are struggling with their health and age. This is a normal part of growing older.””

Here it is about bringing them into the situation so that they feel connected to the journey. If for example they grow attached to an elderly person over several visits who happens to pass on, consider the empathy and understanding they develop for life and the awareness of accepting and seeing difference. Yes, they will have had anxiety about the situation but come out from this experience, richer and stronger emotionally. Their understanding of life has grown.

Avoiding anxious moments that are within reason only delays growth intellectually and emotionally.

The anxiety will keep appearing and the later it gets to manage it, the more difficult it is to recover.

Children are very aware of differences. This is obvious as early as prep when they begin to read.

Here you notice their awareness and some anxiety about not reading as well as other children suggest:

“I love the fact that you try so hard in reading. Every time you read; you are getting better”

The child will need to accept differences and appreciate and value their own capabilities which also comes with limits.

 A few final tips to help parents support children dealing with mild anxiety.

• Talk to your child about the things that make you anxious and tell them about the strategies you use to help work on the problem.

• Talk about anxiety as being part of life. We have it in many forms from rushing to be on time, to more anxious moments of performance in races, tests, work etc.

• Talk positively about how a child manages their anxiety.

“It sounds like you have to sing in the concert.  Of course you feel nervous. Well done for all the effort in practising. This is a great way to get ready for your performance.”

• Read stories to the child on how others overcame struggles and anxiety. There are wonderful books on building emotional stamina and overcoming anxiety suitable for children of all ages.

• Point out public figures (choose wisely) who have worked hard to overcome their anxieties. Children love hearing about sporting heroes such as basketballers etc.  They enjoy identifying with others who have worked on their anxieties and improved their emotional stamina.

Finally, a child who has success in working through mild anxieties is more resilient when bigger anxieties come their way. They develop a set of skills that give them the strength to work through issues. They are not left helpless swimming through anxiety that grows insurmountably causing them to withdraw.

Short, sharp breaks make all the difference.

How much do we concentrate across the day?

In today’s fast moving world where technology drives so much of the pace in which we live, it is not surprising to hear that our concentration spans are reduced. Some put this down to technology and the social media that demands instant response. We are also aware that children do not learn in the same way that generations before them did and they do not need to stretch their brain, learning large slabs of information when so much information is available at their fingertips from google etc.

The changing face of how we process also suggests that concentrating for long periods of time is more difficult. Teachers are more aware of this and as such will plan lessons with regular short breaks. Sometimes this will include some physical exercise to create space from the previous activity and to refresh thinking after some exercise. It works!

Now think about home. Sometimes tensions rise. This can happen when playing games together, watching television, homework etc. As a parent we sometimes tend to react when the noise rises amongst siblings, other family members etc.

Consider being proactive and simply stopping the activity and all playing a game in the yard or propose some other option such as calling time out and asking children to have quite time in their room. It needn’t be for too long. It is simply about breaking the increasing tension.

In working with children who seemed highly anxious, it was common practice to change the environment in which we were working. Sometimes we would go for a walk in the school yard or check out the preps etc. It was about creating a circuit breaker which shifted a child’s focus thus reducing the tension.

This of course applies to parents. Once our anxieties rise, we need to regulate them by creating space for ourselves to alleviate the pressure. It is amazing how a few minutes away from the problem space can reduce our unhappy feelings to a level where we can control our behaviour more rationally.

“Taking time to do nothing

Often brings everything into perspective. ”

— Doe Zantamata

Take a breath and a break when anxiety rises. This will help to alleviate stress.

Keeping school attendance consistent.

I certainly do not want to sound like the punitive Principal who stresses the need to be consistent with school attendence. However, there are sound reasons why being consistent in attending school is so important for your child's overall development.

Firstly, the child needs to develop the life long habit of simply getting up and being accountable to something important, in this case attending school. It is about having a purpose for getting up. Children certainly are keen to be punctual for so many sporting events which they love and for which they feel strongly connected to their peers. Whilst school may not have that same buzz each day, the habit of getting up and regularly attending school teaches them that are honouring an important responsibility.

Behavioural changes can happen if a child does have protracted absences from school. They actually feel anxious about returning as they worry about friendship groups moving on from them. Also missing out on school work causes them to feel less successful in learning and this can cause other problems such as disinterest in their work or general lack of motivation.

In order for children to enjoy school they need to feel successful, socially and through their success in school work. Frequent absences diminishes their capacity to be successful on both scales.

It is also apparent that when children return to school after absences of any length, sometimes their behaviour may change as they are feeling unsure of themselves and their place amongst their peers. Teachers will often comment on the noticeable change.

Another important reason for regular attendance is that you are giving them a strong message that learning is an important part of their life and that you value their attendance each day.

If there are significant reasons for absences including sickness, family holidays etc, discuss with your child why it is important to be absent and plan with the school how you will manage the situation as a family. By doing this you are informing the child that at no point are you not respecting the role of school in their life. It is not incidental, it is a powerful influence in their life, This is all about showing the child that learning is a life long process and should never be seen in an incidental way.

Finally, I appreciate that for some children a week at school can be a long time. It is approximately, five hours a day and the child is being set expectations across that time. Now consider school across ten weeks of a term and forty weeks across the year. This can be a high demand for some children who feel the pressure to succeed or who struggle with peer relations. By allowing them to stay at home only heightens their anxiety.

If school refusal creeps in, parents should act quickly and talk to the school about the matter. Also home should give the child much reassurance that they are proud of their efforts and I would itemise all the positives you notice about school. However, should the child start rejecting school, the sooner it is understood and the child is supported, the quicker the child can move on from being anxious.

Schools are well supported when it comes to helping children settle into school. Of course should a family situation change, sometimes school refusal creeps in as the child may get anxious about home. Whatever the reason, keep the school well in the loop as they take their responsibility very seriously with regard to the child's well being.

By allowing children to stay at home from school only heightens their anxiety.

How to talk to my child when they feel anxious.

No absolute answers here but there are smart ways to engage with your child when you detect their feelings of being uncertain about some matters.

Often the underlying feeling they have is being fearful of not succeeding in some way. This is often through not achieving at school in their work or in their friendships.

The first important key is to simply be still and listen to what they have to say. This means not asking tricky questions. Imagine if it is our anxieties that are being questioned. We feel vulnerable. People asking us questions can often get irritating and shut us down. Children feel exactly the same.

They can shut down on us quickly as they feel they are being judged.

Just simply listening to the whole story and then picking up on what they say can help. 'It sounds like that was difficult' “You must be feeling unhappy about that”. We simply hear their feeling and wait for them to talk it through.

I find working with children this way helps them to simply think through their problems. They are more inclined to chat to parents about their concerns if they feel they are not being judged or that the parents will offer the solution.

Remember, as a parent the problem is not ours to solve. Once we solve it for them we have taken over the problem.

Not great for building resilience in our children.