Be confident as a parent you have what it takes

By nature of being a parent, you come with many capabilities. It is easy to underestimate how skilled you are, but by nature of being an adult, you have already learnt many skills that can be translated into useful tips for your child. A parent who feels confident about their skills gives a strong message to their child and this feeds into successful parenting. Confidence breeds reassurance in others.

It is also natural to feel anxious about providing the best advice and council to your growing child. After all, the world they are entering has altered from your world and the skills they need have shifted from the demands and expectations placed on you whilst growing up.

Here are a few thoughts on feeling and growing confident in being the best parent possible:

• Never underestimate your child. Understand that they have special gifts that are unique to them and that we should focus on all that makes them special and unique. Consider that they may not understand you, but your task is to understand them and respect what it is that they want. This can be difficult, but to understand them better you need to understand their world. You have more confidence in supporting your child when you really feel you know them.

• Take care not to compare. Each child is an individual and thinks and processes quite differently. We need to understand how they think and what drives their world. The more we show respect and understand our child, the greater union between you and your child.

• The education of your child takes such a priority. Know what your child is learning. Be part of that journey. Show interest and be available when and if they need your support. Learning is a lifelong journey and it happens in many ways. Your child needs to see that you are open to learning yourself and enjoying their journey through their schooling years. Don’t be anxious about what you know and what you have to offer. You have much to offer!!!

• Know that learning more about parenting is what all parents can benefit from. Read books on parenting. Look up journal items etc. Gain information and be an ongoing learner in the field of parenting.

• Find creative ways to be family. Real learning comes from joint experiences. Rock climb together. Kayak as a family. Keep the adventure coming. Take a few risks together. This always strengthens the bonding and builds family confidence.

• An important and easy way to parent well is to set up stable routines. Here, I refer to meal times, chores, morning expectations etc. Routine gives you clear directions and everyone knows what the expectations are for all. Start early when the children are little.

• You know your child very well. Have faith in your gut and intuitive sense. Parents have a natural sense when it comes to intuitive matters. Rely on your good sense when talking and negotiating with your child. But be an effective listener!

• Be natural and accept your mistakes. Children respect you when you show your human face and act in an authentic way. Nothing is gained by false confidence or bravado. Show them it is OK to make a mistake and that you can grow and learn from making mistakes. You will be less anxious about making errors when you accept that making mistakes is a normal part of parenting.

• Being a strong, active presence in the life of your child is a powerful way to parent well. Never underestimate that such a presence presents confidence and reassurance with all its foibles and successes.

• You will see many models of parenting over the years. Some will come with outstanding qualifications and some will challenge you especially when your child says: ‘Mary’s parents let her go to the party!’

Don’t be put off by all the models of ‘would be’ great parenting. You are the parents. You are the rock and you have such sensitivity to your child, that can only be understood by the intimacy of being their parent. Despite the fact that you may not have all the answers, you are there for all the right reasons. Just ensure that you listen effectively and are prepared to appreciate other ways of seeing the world. With confidence, you are in the best position to deal with many and varied matters of childhood.

Over the years in my role as Principal, I saw many families crossing my door. It was always a joy to observe families who were closely bonded by the nature of who they were. These families enjoyed being part of their family where expectations were normal, understanding and tolerance strong and no undue pressure appeared to bother them. Family for them was a natural process, with all its foibles and successes. Being family shouldn’t be complicated and above all you, the parent have much to offer your fledglings.

         ‘Behind every young child who believes in himself is a parent who believed in him first.’

                                                                                           - Pinterest

Parent involvement reaps all the benefits

No doubt about it, when parents are actively involved and interested in their child’s learning, the child has an optimal chance of being successful at school.

When your child feels that their school life is connected to their home life and that parents enjoy and participate where possible, great expectations are the order of the day.

Here are some of the outcomes when parents show interest in their child’s schooling:

• A child will have a more positive attitude to their work when they know that parents are interested in what they are learning. This becomes a normal part of home life, talking about the activities and discussions held at school.

• Reading accelerates early when parents engage with them in reading at home. Keep books visible around the house and demonstrate to your child that reading is a natural family experience across the week.

• Parents interested in their child’s learning are always keen to be around at homework time. They understand that there are expectations set by the school and their support makes it easier for children to fall into the routine of doing homework.

• Interested parents are naturally encouraging their children in the whole learning process. Therefore, it’s no surprise that these children are developing an interest in learning and higher education.

• A parent involved in their child’s education also gains some joy from learning new ways and being part of the bigger life of the school. There is nothing more enriching than a school community in full swing.

• When school problems appear, engaged parents are quick to respond and given their insightfulness, problems can be solved more quickly and with less interference.

• Parents engaged with the school build a strong relationship with the teachers. This makes such a difference when issues occur. Teachers are more at ease with interested parents. They feel very comfortable talking to them.

• Talking about school regularly as a family builds a happy image of the paramount importance of school in the life of the child and family.

• A great way to support your child’s learning is to set an example by reading, writing and engaging in other learning activities. Children then see how you value the learning process for yourself.

• A parent is involved when they develop a communication style that invites questions, enjoys problem-solving and having open conversations. The more you show an inquisitive style to a conversation and invite alternative solutions to problems, the more you are teaching your child to think laterally and become a problem solver.

• Proudly boast your child’s school work by having pieces on display around the house. This shows your approval and praise of their work.

• Children who get support from parents do feel more competent at learning. Parent support gives them this boost. It also keeps their interest in attending school regularly.

• When parents show interest the child is happier and their morale is high. This affects their whole disposition to school. They are more inclined to be interested in engaging in more activities.

• Teaching children to value education and is solidified if parents are actively interested in their child’s learning.

Finally, enjoy the journey. You will learn so much from being an active participant in your child’s learning. Nothing is ever lost from exposure to learning and your child will feel more secure knowing that you are walking the path with them.

                          ‘If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.’

-Milton Berle

Do you ever feel like you have hit rock bottom as a parent?

We all have those moments and sometimes they turn into hours!

In my work as a school principal, I was always noticing the major changes and adjustments that families made as time went on. Crisis can hit, but as time went on, circumstances shifted and new life came into what were very difficult situations.

Fear is often an issue with parents when they think about the worst-case scenario. They think about the dreaded, ‘What if’ factor. This can become quite a preoccupation. It can cloud common sense responses to situations and can limit a parent’s ability to open their minds to options.

Here are some ideas to keep you going and to remind you that being human, making mistakes, etc. is all part of parenting:

• Nothing is permanent. If you have a crisis or just hitting rock bottom, it will pass. Time has a way of shifting the ebbs and flows of life experiences. Everything has its season.

• Children keep changing and evolving. Their thoughts and ideas keep shifting and their needs and demands will change as we, the parents, change with them. Therefore, worrying unduly or overthinking about one issue is pointless. Sometimes preoccupying ourselves can mean the problem just disappears, without any of our interference.

• The problems children have are children’s problems, so I recommend putting things into perspective and worrying less. Children’s problems come and go and they often take charge of them themselves. Everything of course within reason.

• Your children will surprise you! When it comes, enjoy the challenge and try not to become anxious about its implications.

• If you are getting tired from just parenting, perhaps you are working at it too hard. Are you overthinking matters? Perhaps you are demanding too much control? Some of the best parenting I have seen came from relaxed and easy-going people who were quite happy to let things just be at times and not interfere too much with their children’s issues. Simply having a presence can at times be enough.

• Don’t forget to not lose yourself in parenting. Allow some time for yourself to develop who you are. The happier you are as a person in your own right, the better you will be as a parent. Think about exercising or doing some activity that gives you joy. Permit yourself to be a parent that makes room for yourself.

• If you are feeling overwhelmed, learn to reduce the pressure. Find ways to cut back on planned activities or slow down from adding to the list of things to do. Your child wants you as a happy parent, not a fatigued parent. Less is better when it all gets too much!

• Be honest with your child. If you are tired tell them. If you haven't the time to do what is requested, talk about it. Your child needs to learn and understand your limits. Be authentic with them and they will appreciate your honesty. This is how they learn empathy, compassion and tolerance. This is also about setting responsible boundaries that support your needs.

• If you are hitting a low point, seek out friends and companions that have a similar journey. A lot can be gained by having such a support group to call on. We all need to rely on others. Parenting has been around since the cavemen.

• Sometimes saying less when things get heated is the best way not to overcomplicate situations and tire yourself out. We often try to be available and solve situations on the run. Saying less and even silence at times creates some emotional respite which can be a calming time.

• If discipline is needed, are you the one to deal with it if you are not in the right space? Perhaps delay discipline if you are not able to deal with it at the time. You need to be well and in a good mental space to be disciplining children.

• Try not to be critical of yourself as a parent. You are doing the best you can. Don’t compare yourself to others. You can go into dangerous emotional spaces when you do this comparison. Your child loves and values you for who you are, warts and all so keep up with just loving your child and doing your best. By the way, I have never met a perfect parent!

 Finally play often with your child. The more you play, the less intense you are and that greater feeling of being connected to your child tends to wash away some of those feelings of it all being too much. Play is a wonderful healing agent. We all need to play from time to time.

         ‘Self care is turning some of the nurturing energy you give to your child, towards yourself.’

                                                                       -Kristi Yeh LMFT

Dealing with a child’s fears

Fears can come at any time. They can be mild-mannered or driven by some former experience that left them fearful. Fears can also be linked to low self-esteem, where a child feels more prone to be vulnerable. Sometimes a child can outgrow them. Sometimes fears can linger longer if not effectively dealt with at the time.

It is natural for a child to have some fears. As a human race, fears were part of prehistoric man to help us work out survival tactics. With a child, we need early identification and working with the child in understanding its source and finding strategies to deal with it.

We understand that fears can come at any surprising and unexpected time and be triggered in different ways. The following thoughts are to help our child understand and deal with fear:

• When you see your child upset and showing signs of being frightened, respect that it is real for your child. Never underestimate the fear and underplay its importance. They need to feel sure that you believe them.

• Ask them to describe their fear, if possible in detail, hopefully they can tell you how they feel and when and how it manifests itself. Talk about a strategy to try to reduce the fear. Brainstorm some ideas together. For example, if it’s fear of the dark, talk together about options such as using a soft bedroom light etc. Working it through together is important and reassuring for the child. Here you show them they are not alone with their fear.

• After deciding together on a strategy, trial it and later come back to the child to see how it went. Be prepared to keep visiting the fear if still not under control. Every attempt is trial and error.

• Let them express all their feelings when talking about their fear. The more they are heard and the more they talk about it, some reduction of the fear can occur.

• Children feel safe with routine and familiar settings. Try to bring them into the solution when finding ways forward. Working through the fear is not a time to introduce new stimuli.

• Talk about some strategies you use to help with fear. Discuss taking deep breaths, talking to friends, listening to music etc. Can they suggest some strategies that will make them feel more secure?

• Applaud their own efforts in getting on top of the fear. The more they learn to develop their own techniques, the better and often quicker, a satisfactory outcome. There is nothing more healing than doing it yourself!

• There are some wonderful books on dealing with fears. Check with your library or school.

• The more you talk openly about how natural it is to sometimes have fears, the more it seems as part of life and less mystifying and isolating.

• Never forget the value of your teacher. They may have some suggestions and even follow-through activities to do at school to support the concern.

Finally, as your child grows, their emotional growth becomes stronger. They begin to reason and rationalise in ways that can help them work through fears or at least understand them better. Your support over the years in listening, being empathetic and respecting their fears will give them the courage and fortitude to be in control when fearful obstacles potentially come their way.

             ‘Thinking will not overcome fear but action will.’

                                                                   W. Clement Stone 

Learn to have some fun

There is not a lot written about the value of being happy but we know that there are some wonderful psychological advantages to just having fun. Here I make the distinction to humour. Within fun we can have a lot of humour. It is present when we become excited or find something that makes us feel good.

Teachers know that when an element of spontaneous fun is included in their day or week, the mood and temper of the children increases tenfold. Many teachers would also say that the presence of fun builds trust with children. A child feels secure when they see their teacher relax and display a happy spontaneous style in the classroom. There is something honest and healthy about simply having some fun.

Let’s think about the value of having fun with your child:

• When you have fun together, you show your child that there is a child in you, the adult. Bringing back the child in you is a positive life-giving thing.

• We are always trying to be in control. It is a massive driver for us as responsible parents. How about letting go sometimes and simply have some spontaneous unplanned fun with your child. It could last five minutes or much longer. It does not make you a less reliable, organised person, but it shows your child that having fun is alive in you.

• By having fun together you are bringing yourself to the same level as your child. This is quite a moment for both of you to share.

• Children will remember the fun times. Nobody wants to remember the serious times. They simply bring you down. However, being a fun-loving parent is memorable.

• To be an effective adult, one must also understand the lighter side of being human. We need to have fun as well and we need to show our children how we enjoy it. It is a well-being component built into our DNA.

• Fun can be any form of having a wonderful time together. Let it be spontaneous, which may take you away from routine and schedules sometimes. It can be a short sharp moment of fun. If you look around it is not hard to see the fun side of so much of life. Point it out to your child.

• We often talk about how important it is to play with your child. Similarly, it is important for developing good mental health that you simply have fun. It can only bring out the best in you and there are no boundaries there with your child. It can serve as a quick pick me up when moodiness is around and it can lighten the spirit when feelings of sadness are prevailing around our children.

Try to build in a bit of fun over the week. It could be as simple as tickling on the couch, throwing pillars around the room or blowing bubbles through your drink. No one said it has to be sensible.

        ‘Let go of preconceived notions and prejudices. Expect surprises. Expect miracles’

                                                             -Michael Joseph

Keeping the stress level down is a great asset as a parent

Have you noticed that parenting, being an active person and managing a family can be stressful? Stress is a very natural part of everyone’s life.

Here’s the thing! You will be a more effective parent if you can learn to lessen the stress that can so easily creep into your life. Also, you will feel happier, which is such an important component in the business of being a parent. Your body is not meant to be on alert in a constant crisis mode, as unrelieved stress can impair so much of your faculties.

Think about how the following skills which can be gradually learnt or built into your daily routine. At the very least understand them as common factors that can increase stress levels.

Consider:

• Are you quick to respond to stress? Do your reactions to stressful situations increase or reduce your feelings of well-being? Is it best to remove yourself from some situations to reduce the stress in your life? Sometimes it’s best to read the signs and walk away from such situations leaving yourself in control.

• Are you a person that is always in a rush? Is that rush all about succeeding, doing the right thing or just trying to be in control? Remember, too much rush can mean you stop listening and miss the best part of life.

• Are you inclined to make issues bigger than they are? Easily done when gossip and unhealthy discussion is around. Try to put things into proportion. In time, everything passes and all will be well.

• Are you inclined to be a perfectionist? Striving for perfection is exhausting and never satisfying especially around children. Start to accept and appreciate that life is all about ups and downs and this is normal.

• When there are anxious times do you need to handle them on your own? Try asking for help and building confidence to ask for the help you need. You do not need to fight battles on your own.

• When you are compassionate, you are more aware and sensitive of others. This can lower your feelings of stress. Feelings of compassion and gratitude take you into a more gentle and appreciative framework.

• Recognise the negative self-talk which can creep up when feeling poorly. This is especially the case when you are feeling tired. Keep feeding yourself positive “I” Statements.

‘I am really good at….’

‘I am talented at…..’

‘People like my….’

Focus on how you are an achiever.

You don’t need everyone’s approval nor do you need to please everyone. Take care to understand why you feel tired trying to please everyone.

• It’s a well known support for stress but it works. When feeling anxious simply take slow deep breaths. Allow the time and feel stronger from the silence and pace of the breathing.

• Mindfulness is all about savouring the goodness of the moment. A focus on this can distract from the moment of anxiety.

• Be mindful that you need to create some personal interruption free time. This gives you time to simply catch up.

• Try physical exercise on a regular basis. Simply walking daily is so therapeutic.

• Do something creative for yourself each day. Your spirit is lifted when being creative.

• Take a walk into nature. Feel the wind. It lifts the spirit. Keep nature close at hand. It’s such a friend to the spirit.

• Humour is a great healer. Find laughter and humour in your daily experiences.

 These are all ideas to help you work on reducing stress. Your child will quickly recognise you are working to control stress to be a happier person. This is all good modelling. Remember we are human and our best efforts as parents are to provide a model of a parent working towards feeling and being better.

9 Tips about how to help your child love learning

The whole learning process for our children can be considered without a doubt, a family affair. Research over many years tells us that the more parents are interested and show an inquiring attitude to their child’s learning, the more successful the learner. You are after all the child’s first teacher. From infancy through to young adulthood, your child will depend on you physically, emotionally and socially. Challenges will come their way but you still remain a primary source for their learning and developing a passion for learning.

On many levels, you set the stage for understanding the value and richness of learning. Sounds like a tall order, but your work is done slowly and steadily over the years. It is not an overnight job and the more you take it on as a serious part of your role, the more likely the child will be engaged in their learning from a younger age.

Here are some simple tips that help us along the way from infancy through to well…. Adulthood:

1. Establishing a daily routine is important. Build it into all the expectations of the day and understand what school requirements are to be considered in your plan. Setting up a routine includes providing a quiet spot for them to learn at home. Consider the background noise issues, lighting and of course interruptions like younger siblings.

2. Regular conversations about school each day can keep the dialogue going in a positive way about what was learnt, achieved or found interesting. Remember this is not about an inquisition into the school day, but a gentle interest in what the child learnt or did in their time. Sometimes you may get a response, sometimes that may not happen.

3. Set tasks for your child that are manageable and within reasons. You can help them set goals in doing jobs at home. Also help them balance their homework time, play time and reading time. Teach them that the more they plan and balance their time, the happier they will be. Point out that by being organised, they get the recreation and play time that they want and deserve.

4. A most important aid in helping your child become a true learner is the modelling you give them. By your example such as reading, writing or being active in a range of learning activities, the child sees that this is the way to go. When you play as a family be intuitive and choose activities, games etc. that have a learning component to them, but at the same time they are fun. Learning to link fun and joy is the best way forward for a child. Also be an inquirer. Teach your child that asking questions is important. Have various ways of seeking information through books internet, conversations etc.

5. Set high expectations for your child, but make them achievable. A child needs to feel inspirational, but not have unreal expectations placed on them. Be proud of their efforts and affirm how hard they try to achieve their goals. ‘I am so impressed with all the effort you put into learning about elephants. You must have got so much good information.’

6. Be aware of their special talents and praise their uniqueness in all sorts of ways. Every child has unique gifts. Spell them out often.

7. Be proud to show their work to other members of the family. Learning is about a celebration of knowledge and achievements in many forms. We demonstrate that all learning should be boldly acknowledged.

8. Encourage overall development. This can be through their physical efforts, intellectual efforts, artistic endeavours etc. Show your child that there are many ways of achieving success in learning and you recognise so many of them in your child.

9. Be a connector with the school. This shows your child that you value their learning space throughout the day. Connect to libraries, take your child to museums, places where creativity and adventure are alive. Keep an eye out for opportunities that introduce new concepts and open their minds in different ways. Show your child that you enjoy discovering new ways of seeing and understanding the world.

Finally, the learning process over the years is slow and steady. At times it will accelerate as different teachers and circumstances excite the imagination. Your role is to be the constant, everyday reminder that learning is an ongoing and life-giving experience. It is a growth that keeps developing all your life if the foundations teach you well. Be the ever-present learner in the life of your child.

                        ‘Once you stop learning you start dying.’

                                                                                -Albert Einstein

How to motivate your child to learn

This can be a challenge for some children who can lose motivation at school and find the whole exercise of school just too much. They can develop a flight or fight mentality to escape school or simply disengage, which is such a frustrating and helpless experience for the family to understand. Merely encouraging them or advising them about the advantages of school does not make a great deal of difference. In fact the more we talk about it, the more they can feel a failure in your eyes and further reject school.

Consider the following ideas to help motivate a child about school:

•      Develop at home an atmosphere where learning is seen as a good thing. Talk about how you learn and what you enjoy when you want to read a book etc. Keep reading alive at home as we know that being able to read is a key to being happy and successful at school. The process of learning to read helps keep the brain active in processing information and communication. A child who reads will have less problems being motivated at school. Reading excites the imagination and keeps the interest high in learning.

•      Encourage your child to be independent in their learning. Try not to put controls on them or limit what they must learn. We now know that children learn in all different ways and this creative process should be encouraged. Give them choices and affirm what they choose to learn. A motivated child will always want to follow their passions.

•      Keep the conversations going and keep them frequent. Make them positive and full of reassurance and confidence in their efforts. Listen to their opinions and applaud creative thinking. A child needs to feel that how they learn has value and that what they have to say is important. They may challenge you in the way they think but that is OK!

•      Notice the uniqueness of your child and home in on their interests. Sometimes their passions and interests last a short while, sometimes they last forever. Either way, your child needs to be supported in those interests and made to feel that their passions are powerful and valued. Help them to discover more about their passions. Perhaps if fishing is their interest go to the library together and collect books on fishing.

•      All children learn differently. Any teacher will tell you this. Don't be critical of their learning style. Allow them to discover their best way of learning. When we force their hand at changing how they learn, this can destroy a child’s confidence and they can begin to doubt their ability to learn.

•      Consider sharing games together. They are a great family activity but also reinforce that learning is a successful tool in playing games. A child works out that to be successful at the game they should try harder and understand more.

•      Remember that the process of learning is what is important. Reward and acknowledge the effort, not the outcome. Remember that a child looks for your approval and is more motivated by your acceptance of their efforts rather than how they were successful. If absolute success is your goal, a child will become anxious about rising to meet that challenge. This is where disengagement can happen.

•      Every child has strengths. It is easy for us to see our weaknesses and so important for a child to feel success through their strengths. Teachers are very good at picking up on this in class and will focus on a child’s strength to give them reassurance that they can easily learn. It also makes children less anxious about their weaknesses. This also teaches a child that failure is part of life and that we use it as a means to learn. Focusing on their weakness only shrouds them in a sense of failure and disengagement from school is not far away.

•      Be a learner yourself and use opportunities around you to engage your child in learning. This is about developing an inquiring mind. Learning is catchy and your child will see you as someone helping them to develop an inquiring mind and to be curious about all sorts of things.

•       Children can from time to time lose some motivation at school.

Remember they are children and may need time to simply rest a little from formal learning. Your teacher has an excellent knowledge on how your child learns and I would recommend you speak to them when motivation drops off.

 ‘There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly

                                                 -Buckskin Fuller

Keep smiling it works!

I have heard it said that your most powerful gift (or call it weapon) is your smile. It has such potential to change situations and it can turn opinions and attitudes quickly on their head. It is simply a warm expression which sends a message to the other person that all is well and I am feeling pleased.

This short article is to remind us that when situations become too difficult or everything becomes overwhelming, just try smiling. Apart from anything else, it naturally reduces immediate anxiety.

A child reads much into a smile. For them it is a comforting message and one which reassures them that you are pleased and happy with your child.  It says the world is a good place. This ongoing reassurance feeds into their feeling of being safe and secure and above all liked.

Here are some thoughts on the value of smiling.

• When you are having a down moment with your child and don’t quite know how to respond, just smile and leave it at that for a while.

• Reflect on each day and consider how often you smile at your child or any other situation that could bring a smile to your face. Children notice your responses to situations. Be a regular smiler, it has fringe benefits!

• Leaving happy smiley notes around the house or placed in your child’s lunchbox can be a spontaneous thought for the child of feeling positive.

• A smile sheds light on many situations. Even when you see a difficult situation is their scope for shedding some light and brightening the moment?

• Having family meals together is a great time to smile and have a laugh at some happy times during the day. A smile ejects positivism and is registered by your child that all is well.

• Try to see the bright side of life and this will automatically put a smile on your face. Children love to see that you have picked up on the bright side of any situation. Remember, keep the glass half full.

• Children smile a lot. It is generally natural for them to feel happy. Encourage that happy disposition and try not to dampen their positive feelings which come to the surface quite naturally.

• Talk about happy people that make you smile. This teaches a child that being happy is a valued disposition because they bring light into other people’s life.

• I remember that often children would ask me to be with teachers that were happy and smiled a lot. They knew that such a disposition would be the best learning environment for them. If the child is happy, the child learns.

• By smiling regularly, you are showing your child that being happy is a very good space in which to live. Smiling also has a way of drowning out those grumpy attitudes that can appear in family members. Smiles always win the day.

´Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available.’

                                                                                               - Jun Beggs

Finding a happy balance for your child

We all lead busy lives. Sometimes those lives can consume us and we build into them more and more activities, jobs, special events, etc. It is in fact that our society rewards doing more and demonstrating that if you are a busy person, it is seen as success.

Our culture rewards and respects being busy. Of course, there is nothing wrong with busy. I would however, be recommending that you become conscious of the balance that you put into the week and this of course will flow over into your child’s perception of how a week should look.

 Finding balance is a gift you can give yourself and especially a lifelong gift for your child. Some people are automatically drawn to putting balance into their lives, for many of us it is a struggle, especially when more seems better. Remember that if you teach your child to have balance between work, home, school, friends, etc. they will want that gift for the rest of their life. They will not be drawn to excessive demands and they will reflect on the various choices they are making that give them balance and make them feel happy. Here you are awakening their consciousness about being a happier person.

Once a balanced person always a balance person.

Here are some ideas to teach your child that balance is the best way to live out the daily, weekly, experiences. True balance is built on a solid foundation.

• Show your child how you plan the week. Discuss why some things are chosen and others discarded. If you enjoy your recreation time show them how this is an important part of the week, one which is not compromised.

• Keep a chart on the fridge which highlights the week’s activities. Talk about how some things must stay but others can go if the balance is to be maintained.

• When you make a decision to let something go even though it was important, talk to your child about that action. Tell them that life can be flexible and can adjust to make for a balanced week.

• Talk about how the school week is set up and how the lessons are planned so that a balanced curriculum is the order of the day. Children love routine and feel very comfortable knowing what is planned for the week. This is a chance to talk about balance in the school setting.

• If something important comes up with your child, discuss how it would sit with the rest of the week’s plan. Will other activities need to change to keep the balance? What’s in their control? What is it that tips the balance?

• Teach your child to reflect on themselves and how some busy situations can make them unsettled. Can they change that and do they really know their priorities? This is all about understanding that they are individuals and don’t always have to go with the flow.

• Teach them that not everything is under our control. They need to learn what is in their control and what is not under their control.

• Mindfulness talks about living in the moment. Perhaps teaching our children how to enjoy the moments and not focus on building busy changeable lives.

• Some things are worth holding onto and others maybe not so. Invite conversations about what is necessary and what is disposable. This is all about finding balance that is controllable.

• Cooking with your child is an excellent way to talk about balance and how the best comes from the balance of ingredients.

• Building rituals into your life helps to strengthen the notion of balance in life. A ritual or routine is familiar, comfortable, predictable, manageable and in your total control.

Above all, be open in discussion about how maintaining a balanced life is a wonderful ideal and that in your life you strive to set goals to be as balanced as possible. Sometimes we fail but our plan is to try to maintain a balance so that you live a happier day, week, month etc.

‘Teaching our children to live a quiet, sane and balanced life is one of the most important parental tasks of our day’

- Brent L Top

Finding ways to help a child’s anxiety

Anxiety is the feeling where we worry, we feel anxious and we can have a sense of dread. It can come in different forms and with different intensities. Children can have it in different forms and we can expect to see it from time to time in children as they go through various challenging stages in their life.

Here are a few ideas to help cope with the anxiety that can interfere with normal life and limit a child's ability to get on with their day to day experiences. If left for too long it can become quite serious.

• Be prepared. Understand that every child will have anxious moments and you are there ready to listen and understand that for the child it needs to be respected and treated sensitively.

• Keep active. A child that is busy with sport, outside activities after school enjoys games etc. can easily be distracted and taken away from those anxious moments. Also a child can learn that spontaneously taking on some activity can easily reduce bouts of stress.

• Listen with intent. When a child feels anxious try not to question them. ‘Why are you sad?’ Put it another way.

               ‘Something has upset you. I wonder what that is?’

Probing the child to find out what is upsetting them may cause them to shut down and you are left with silence. No one enjoys probing questions when feeling poorly emotionally.

• Allow space. Sometimes when a child is upset or has developed anxiety about something try to give them space and not over-talk or over-direct them. To some degree it is important that they have time to process their worries and to work through some solutions for themselves. Silence can be a useful tool.

• Don’t be surprised that your child does not hear you when they are experiencing some anxiety. I found quite often that children who experience some shock or sudden anxiety block out everything around them as a way of coping for a while. If this happens allow your child some time before you set any expectations on them such as having a conversation.

• Teach your child the art of deep breathing. Practise it together. This is a great way of learning about relaxation. Also, there are some beautiful relaxation tapes. Ask your child to choose one that they can listen to at night to help them sleep.

• Children also love their own contemporary music. They can destress listening to their kind of music. Allow their music around the house and not just restrict it to their room.

• For younger children drawing, singing, dancing and painting are all enjoyable distractions from worrying about problems. Is your home inviting to all these activities?

• Encourage your child to talk about their anxieties. Make it part of your family culture where anxiety is discussed openly. It is best out and boldly in the open. If a child feels comfortable in talking about their anxieties and they are being acknowledged, they have somewhere to go with them. As a model, you too can talk about your anxieties and how you deal with them. In this way we make anxieties just a normal part of our family experiences.

• Once your child talks about some anxiety discuss with them about setting small goals working towards real change. For example, if your child is anxious about talking in front of the class, your first goal could be for them to talk in front of the family.

• Teach your child positive self-talk. When they talk about an anxious situation talk up how you can make it positive.

               ‘I know I can do it.’ ‘I can swim the length of the pool.’ ‘I will do it.’

• Affirmation is especially important when they overcome some anxiety:

                ‘I am so impressed that you went in that competition. Bravo.’

• Children who suffer from anxiety need the stability of routine and discipline to give them security. Also having family meals together and providing plenty of happy family times makes them feel safe and secure.

• There is nothing more off putting for anxiety than laughter, joy and a sense of connection to others.

• Finally, try hard to manage your own anxiety and be open with your child telling them how you managed it and what tools you used to overcome your anxiety. Make anxiety a normal part of getting on with life.

 Don’t underestimate the value of doing nothing, of just going along, listening to all things you can’t hear and not bothering.’

                                                                                    -Winnie the Pooh

How to get the best from your child’s teacher

We all know that building a strong relationship with your child’s teacher is the best way to support your child across a long school year. The teacher has five hours a day across forty weeks with your child and this is such a critical time in their development, physically, socially, emotionally and intellectually. It, therefore, makes sense that as a parent you feel confident and that you are in a solid relationship with your child’s teacher.    

Here are some important messages that will help build and ensure you maintain that relationship:

 Consider:

• Firstly, the teacher needs to feel that they are respected for their work. In today’s world of high order criticism, teachers are easy targets and yet their work and contribution to the life of children is vitally important.

• Let your teacher know that you respect the pressure they are under as teachers are accountable to higher authorities, policy documents, etc. Sometimes decisions made are out of their hands can be confusing and misleading for some parents.

• Take care that when you are unsettled about some matter concerning your child at school do not talk about it unfavourably in front of the child. Talk to your teacher first. Children can get very confused when they hear parents being critical of their teacher with whom they build so much trust and respect.

• Keep an eye out for notes, emails etc that come from the school. The better you are informed, the happier your child is that you are valuing their school life. Schools are big informers so keep an eye out for regular correspondence.

• From time to time your child’s teacher may call you up to discuss disciplinary action for your child. Listen carefully to what they have to say and do not react in a way that down plays the teacher’s action.  Have a mature discussion about the matter and try to support the teacher’s actions. This is certainly a way of showing respect for them.

• Family situations keep changing. Make sure that you keep the teacher abreast of any new information that may affect the child’s school. Teachers are quick to pick up an emotional change in the child. Sometimes they may approach you with concerns.

• When you do have an issue always show respect for the teacher and talk to them first. Going to the Principal first only complicates the matter as the principal will talk to the teacher and generally refer the issue back to them.

• If you are unhappy with school policies, rules and regulations remember that these have not come from your teacher. They come from Parent Bodies, Education Department rules and the whole school staff. Best to talk to the Principal when concerned rather than thrashing out the issue with the teacher. Their role is specifically the teaching and care of your child.

• Take care not to write long winded emails to your teacher. Often what you need to say can be said simply or spoken to the teacher. Emails should be written with care and not used as a vehicle to be offensive. This may sound harsh but sadly I have seen many such emails which have only led to deterioration of relationship with teacher and school.  Parents have a better chance of being heard when they are calm and responsibly talk about their concerns. This is also an important example to give our children.

Finally, there is so much enjoyment for a parent to be happily engaged with the school. Also your child feels more content when they see how interested and involved you are in their school life. In my experience, parental support is a driving force for all the staff and school community. Everyone benefits.

                      ‘Schools are great places for all the family’

                                                                          -Gail Smith

Set small goals to set success.

Encourage your child to develop successful habits. It is well known that success breeds success and the more a child feels capable and experiences success they quickly build their confidence which feeds into more success.

Teachers know that when a child gains a sense of success and achievement they are generally happier and more inclined to take a risk and to not worry when they make a mistake. Once they feel capable of success and have demonstrated it to themselves, taking risks is a comfortable process and they’re not worried about making mistakes as their emotional stamina is strong enough to deal with failure.

•  Attract success. A child should have regular incidences of success both at home and at school. They can be intermittent but they come as part of the child’s daily experiences. Remember ongoing success continues to feed  into that sense of well being.

• Do you notice how often in small ways your child is successful and if so do you acknowledge it? For example, when your child learns to skip, do headstands, write sentences correctly, play fairly and well in a sports team etc. these are successful occasions. There are many occasions to show how they are successful. These are small incremental steps but build a body of success.

• Tell your child that they have had a success when you notice it and talk about the positive feeling associated:

‘You must be so pleased with yourself that you can now get your pen license from school. Well done. What a success.’

• A wise person looks to achieve goals that are within grasp. It is all about not sabotaging your sense of possible success. It is about being realistic. You can help your child choose goals that are within reason. Certainly no harm in stretching their thinking but take care that they are not setting unrealistic expectations doomed for failure.

• A child who goes after smaller and more regular goals begins to feel very confident and will wisely choose goals that take them a step ahead.

• Think about how a child learns to walk. Through trial and error they learn and gradually they push themselves a little harder. What joy for them and everyone when they finally walk. Something drives them to keep going as they move from crawling to sitting up, etc.

• Working towards a goal should be a happy experience and should not come with too much stress and anxiety. Too much pressure on a child will make the goal too unreachable and unjustifiably a child will feel a failure. Small steady chunks to achieve reasonable goals is the best way forward.

• Teach your child that celebrating success is important along the way. Make it a family habit to regularly talk about the small successes that your child makes. Be noisy about it and it will appear an expected and  natural part of life.

• Setting a goal that is a long way away means that you need to help your child take small steps to get there. For example, their goal is to learn how to sew and they want to make a dress. You will take small steps in teaching them and applaud the small improvements along the way. So much to learn but with increased knowledge and experience on the sewing machine the final garment is a product of great pride and success.

Finally, be observant and notice those small, incidental, successful steps your child takes and they will do the rest!

                       ‘Success is not final, failure is not fatal:

                        It is the courage to continue that counts.’

                                                                                     -Winston Churchill

Is your child comparing themselves to others?

When we start to compare ourselves unfavourably with others it becomes obvious that we are lacking in self-confidence. Comparing ourselves to others can be all about how we look, how happier others are or perhaps how more successful people are around us. We notice the differences and we become unhappy or dissatisfied with ourselves.

A child is always on the go developing their sense of self-worth and building foundations that reassure them of their worthiness. They do not need to focus on others around them who are doing better or who perceive to be more successful. Finding the grass greener on someone else’s turf or forgetting about your own strengths is a forerunner to ongoing doubt and failure. There is simply nothing going for judging yourself against others.

Such negativism also destroys your beauty within and others see the bitterness and stagnation that can creep into your life. It can be given the name, resentment.

There are many influences that can cause us to compare with others.

Advertising invites us to compare and buy the best. Social media is all about creating perfect images that we would all like to be. Consider all the growing businesses for plastic surgery that will change the way we look and create someone else’s image that would make us feel better!

Body image is a massive area for children in which to take control. We think about how fat or slim we are compared to what society thinks is beautiful. We tend to relate body image to self-esteem.  For a child this can be a concern as they become quite anxious about what others think about them. Unfortunately, as the child grows they see that many people judge others by what they wear, what they say and how they portray an image. To fit into a child’s social world, they may think they need to change to feel good about themselves. We know this as group pressure.

We need to teach our children to love their own body, no matter what shape, size or colour it comes in. It is their business and they need to be happy with themselves. We reinforce these concepts by demonstrating ourselves how we treat our body and how we see beauty in many forms and not the prescribed view of beauty through social media etc. If we want change we introduce change driven by our own desires and not controlled by media hype. This is such an important message to give our children.

 Here are some suggestions to help you work with your child in offsetting unfortunate comparisons.

•  Encourage your child to think of others and applaud their efforts. Be the person who affirms others successes and talks about their achievements. It is a mature and sometimes brave act to celebrate other people’s achievements as it demonstrates that you care about others. It is also a mature chance to learn from them. What can you take from their success story that will be helpful to you?

• Remember to teach your child to be self-encouraging. They need to learn that they can be great motivators for themselves. Talk about some great self-motivators such as Ash Barty whose self-discipline comes from her self talk which is so positive. Also, teach your child to think about what they are good at. Get them to write it down and talk about it quite often as a family. Naming the good stuff is so valuable and seeing it written is more inspirational.

• Often people that look confident are confident. Once people see you being more sure of yourself they pay more attention to you. Once a child sees that others see them as confident it tends to feed off itself.

• Take care that we avoid negative self-talk when something goes wrong. It is easy to self-blame and call yourself dumb or stupid. When your self-talk is positive you are giving yourself permission to be successful and it works!

• We need to teach our children to simply be the best they can be and this will be and should be enough. You applaud their effort to improve but above all their expectations are enough.  Often we become anxious about what we are not, rather than having confidence in who we are and what we have to offer. We need to value what we have to offer. Reinforce with your child how happy you are simply with them and you would expect nothing else.

• Tell them: I love your uniqueness.

              “I appreciate your generosity.”

                “I can see your thoughtfulness.”

          Name and claim these individual traits in a loud voice that make your child the very best.

Finally, it is not an easy task helping your child overcome the temptation to compare but nonetheless you are instrumental in creating and building a very positive self-image of your child that acts as a strong foundational tool in building self-worth and positive well-being into their future.

          ‘Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you’re born to stand out.’

                                                                                          -Oliver James

The words we choose to use.

When you think about your impact on the world and most specially your children, consider that what you say delivers important messages and sends out clear vibes to all within earshot.

          According to a very early philosopher, Horace 65-8BC

                   “words once spoken can never be revoked”

Sounds harsh and yes, we all make mistakes in how and what we say from time to time, but the impact can be great and the words lasting, if hurtful. Children are particularly sensitised to the words we use when we talk to them. Careless speech can have a longer-term memory with children. Name calling is taken to heart and can come under the banner of emotional bullying.

Teachers know all so well that the words they use around children will have an impact on teaching them. They realise very early in their career that their use of language can make or break a child’s interest in learning.

Here are some thoughts on how to manage ourselves in using effective speak around our children.

• It is often said to have your mind well ahead of your mouth. By reflecting on what we are about to say, we can choose our words carefully, which do no harm, but deliver a good message. Some say stop and think before speaking. A small moment of thought can also slow down any quick temper we may have, which can influence how and what we say.

• Watch the tiredness. When we are feeling tired, we are less likely to speak well, but rather more focussed on just getting the message across. Consider if you are tired is it necessary to have an in-depth conversation with your child? Sometimes it is best to wait. Silence can be very effective at times. It allows some mental breathing space.

• Using words well can do an amazing amount of good with our children. They often hang on our words and listen carefully for the intent. The more we speak affectionately using a positive tone of voice, they feel reassured and valued. Never fall into the trap of thinking a louder, sterner voice has more impact. It in fact shuts people down from listening. Minds close in an effort to protect themselves from bombarding sounds.

• Our children live in a world where less speak and more action on social media which is isolating is seen as better. Therefore, sound, healthy discussions using positive language and reassuring words is important to counterman the shrinking oral language used around our children.

• To build a strong relationship which your child you will need to be using language to get messages across, reassure them and nurture them. There is nothing more delightful than hearing words used by a parent that are positive, reassuring, loving and wholesome.

• This is about using words wisely and understanding the power of them to build relationships. Careless, thoughtless words are hurtful and damaging. They serve no positive purpose in strengthening relationships.

• Of course, we can say sorry for careless words used and ask for forgiveness. The challenge is to train ourselves to avoid such language and if necessary, say nothing. Less careless words used presents a very reassuring image as a parent.

An old saying is: if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all. What a fine message this is to finish the blog!

          ‘Choose your words wisely. They reveal your inner character.

                                                          -Jim George

Enjoy the present - it’s here for you now to enjoy

Did you realize that it is actually a skill to learn how to enjoy the present? Sometimes our focus is often on the past or busy planning for what next in the future. Far too often we use the present to simply prepare for the future without acknowledging the very real presence of the now. Think of how photos slow us down. We stop for a minute and reflect on that powerful image. It was a moment in time that we hold dear.

Teachers have learned the art of capturing the moment with children. Often when something special happens, a teacher will stop the class and together all children will reflect on what it is that drew their attention. This is a way of capturing memorable moments. I remember one teacher who kept a diary of those moments and at the end of the school year the children turned it into a book retelling the special moments that built up the charisma of the class.

Children that love school look forward often to the surprise highlights of the day which make for happy moments and collective joy. Teachers know that such a classroom environment where elements of the day are surprisingly highlighted, will excite children who are alive with interest.

If we notice that what we have now is giving us happiness we are more inclined to weather the unsavoury small stuff that can easily interfere with the day, lowering our mood and temperament. Did you wake up this morning and hear birds singing? Was the sun shining? Did your child give you a hug? Did you enjoy breakfast? These incidences are the small but influential stuff that can give us joy along the way.

I believe that if we highlight around our children the joy of noticing and feeling positive about the moment, it will have a positive effect on how our children monitor and identify their day. This is all about developing a healthy habit of living positively in the present.

Consider how such a disposition can be helpful in the development of emotional maturity and the mental health of your child:

• If your child looks to see what is good and happy around them, will they not feel better in themselves?

• Children who are by nature happy attract other children who like to feel happy.

• Good mental health has a strong base in feeling good and in not letting incidences get you down. With a stronger capacity to see and want the happy moments, a child is drawn less to feeling sad and unhappy.

• Children who are conditioned into looking to the positive and happy opportunities of the day are less likely to be drawn into the darker side of unattractive social media etc.

• There is so much to learn from the moments of now. If your child is geared to searching for those moments, they will have less interest in the underbelly of trouble which can easily find its way into the daylight.

• This is all about choosing an attitude where life has much to offer and I want to actively engage in those activities that are life-giving. Just as you are probably involved in a sport that gives such life joy think about simple opportunities throughout the day that give a positive vibe to life. Go for a walk with your child, cycle together, play games draw together etc.

We all see how playing sport as a child is about enjoying the moment, feeling the exhilaration of what it is that you are doing with the ball etc. If we can transfer some of that happy feeling into moments of the day, we have come a long way in understanding the life-giving habit of celebrating the moment.

A child needs to grow a strong belief in themselves

How difficult is it for any of us to feel confident, have a go, put ourselves forward etc. without having a strong belief in ourselves? Do we take initiative if low in self-confidence? How about the time we avoid situations or people because we just haven’t the confidence to be part of a group or offer opinions? So much of engaging in the world is lost to us if we lack a strong belief in ourselves. We tend to avoid, omit, regress and simply lay silent.

Our children need to be steadily building a strong belief in themselves. They will put themselves forward and receive some knockdowns but climbing the ladder of being strongly connected to the world will come with mounting strong self-belief.

The following thoughts give us guidance into how we help build a strong foundation in our children in self-belief.

• If a child lacks self-confidence their learning can be affected as they are not disclosing what they need to know. Reminding our children to ask questions, be inquisitive is a right and a responsibility in learning.

• Having a strong positive self-image presents to others as a confident person. It is important as parents that we talk about all the positive aspects you notice in your child especially with regard to attitudes and values. They need to hear it loud and clear that they are worthwhile people with much to offer.

• When we are successful, it often has a boost with our self-esteem. Ensure that your child has plenty of opportunities to be successful. Teachers work off the philosophy that a child will be successful if they feel good about themselves. No surprises that in a classroom each day, teachers set up scenarios where children are successful in some form.

• Think about the little successes your child makes at home. They could be as small as showing courtesy to others, working hard to keep their room tidy etc. Simply affirm the success. Remember success begets more success

                ‘What a hero you are. The room is tidy and now we can read a story’.

• The more self-esteem builds, the more engaged the child will be in all that is around them. There is nothing more concerning than a disengaged child. Their world shrinks and their interests become more solo such as excessive use of games, television, social media etc. The more outward thinking the child, the greater propensity for building a strong self-image.

• Take care that when you correct your child due to some disappointments etc, you use language that is not harmful and will not attack the child’s self-confidence. Be disappointed with the deed but still love the child. Check that there are not too many negative conversations in a row as such patterns start to build a negative feeling of self-worth and everything can easily spiral downwards.

• Make broad sweeping announcements in front of others about how pleased you are with your child’s successes. (Everything within reason of course) There is a wonderful feeling that comes from hearing publicly how pleased your parents are with you.

As parents we are daily building foundational tools for our children. The words we use, the actions we display and the frequent appreciation of our children that we show, all build the framework for developing a well-rounded individual with a strong sense of self belief.

                   ‘As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.’

                                      -Johanne Wolfgang Von Goethe

Being credible is such an important part in parenting

We build our relationships into healthy vibrant relationships when we have built up trust amongst others. It is as simple and as complicated as that.  Children have a natural disposition to trust their parents, which puts you in a very precious and precarious position if at any time that trust breaks down. Younger children trust implicitly, but as the child grows older and they question and probe how we think and challenge our beliefs etc, this is where trust comes into play so importantly.

Teachers are always in the firing line with children if they are not credible and as such their ability to teach is limited. Credibility builds trust and a teacher is in a wonderful situation to teach when they have the trust of their students.

Parents start off with automatic credibility with their child. As they mature and start to question, they will of course challenge you but still expect you to be credible holding all your values true to yourself.

Consider the following ideas that remind us of our credible role in your child’s life:

• Your relationship with your child will remain intact if to them you are seen as a credible and consistent person. It will not only remain intact but it will grow existentially.

• Your child relies on your credibility to gain verification for many aspects of life. What you tell them and how you express your beliefs is an important model to your child when they start making choices on their own.

• A child will be more interested in checking in with you as they grow older if they find you to be credible. There is so much constant change in their world. Sometimes just coming home to what they see as true and credible can be the best option. Especially in times of confusion.

• Given your credibility with your child there is less worry and more reassurance from the trust you give and take from your child. Anxiety can easily spread when doubt comes into play.

• Being credible does not mean that you cannot be flexible, vary your ideas or even head in alternative directions. That thread of credibility is all about being true to yourself and to others being authentic and human at the same time.

• There is nothing more comforting and reassuring than connecting to a credible person. In the fast-moving world that is ever changing for your developing child, how satisfying to feel that you their parents can be trustworthy and reliable when so much around them is shifting directions. You remain the axis upon which they gravitate.

By nature of being a parent you are invited to present such fine qualities as credibility and trust to your child. Never underestimate that such an opportunity is also all about developing yourself as a fully rounded, emotionally intelligent person. Like it or not parenting forces us to grow up!

‘To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.’

                                                                             -George MacDonald

Teach our children to be courteous

Sounds like it would be just a natural process of learning for a child. Perhaps something you pick up along the way. However, we live in a world where so much is instant gratification and things must happen fast. This comes at a cost of how people treat each other and at times common courtesy is one of the first virtues that can go out the window and be sacrificed for supposedly better outcomes.

A classroom is an environment where courtesy is presented as a valued gift and one that should be present throughout the school day. In fact it is mandatory. If a child does not show courtesy to other students, such behaviour is seen as negative and will be challenged. When working with children I was always aware that if I did not show the child respect and speak to them with courtesy and sincerity, I would fail to build their trust and further conversations would be damaged.

Your child will learn courtesy from you, especially when they see how you treat others and you use language and behaviour that is positive and not destructive towards others. They watch and observe and in their own way make judgements about how you, the parent dealt with certain people. It is amazing how little minds watch and observe and learn quickly all about the human condition. It should become a healthy habit to simply be a courteous person even when situations challenge us.

Thomas Fuller once said, “all doors open to courtesy”. Let’s consider how using courtesy as a child will improve their life.

• Children that are courteous stand out from a crowd. They are more often chosen or spoken to with respect due to their reliability and noticeability.

• When a child shows courtesy to others, they are reflecting on that other person and putting them in a safe space. Everyone feels comfortable when people are courteous to them.

• A child who uses courtesy is learning to value the other person. It is much easier for them to think positively of people as their first thoughts are not negative.

• Children who learn to use courtesy as a tool of communication can easily slip into effective language, where they listen and affirm others well. This well developed language gives them a higher order level of emotional maturity.

• If you are courteous, people are attracted to you and gravitate around you more given that they feel welcomed. This is important for a child to feel that others like their company. A child can feel very isolated from others if they do not have such good skills of communication.

• Children need to learn the art of courtesy and this is where your example comes into play. It is also worth taking to them about how a person is valued and should be treated with dignity and courtesy no matter how complicated that person can be.

Finally, there is a silent, steady power present in being courteous. You are stronger by nature of your courteous style. By treating someone with dignity no matter how different your thoughts are, there is little with which to argue. After all, they see how you accept them as legitimate. You accept their right to have a voice.

‘Your children will become what you are.

So be what you want them to be.’

-Love hope dream

Give your child occasions to make choices

There are many times across a day when you need to make choices. Some may seem automatic such as getting up in the morning to more complex decisions such as buying your house, car etc.

Children need occasions to make choices and grow to understand that in making choices we live with the consequences. Decision making can be taught as much as learnt on the run. For our children, teaching them that making their own decisions comes with the joy of owning the outcome and also learning from the outcome.

As parents, especially when our children are more dependent on us, we tend to make decisions for them so that they are safe and do not experience too much discomfort. But beware too much reliance on parents to make decisions for the child leads to too much dependency and delayed development emotionally and often socially. Never underestimate how your child can make sound choices for themselves. At an early age, the child needs to see that you trust them in making their own decisions.

You will find that as early as prep, teachers are expecting children to make decisions based on what they know and what has to date been their experience. Teachers may give two choices or widen the horizon as the child grows more mature showing a readiness to make bigger decisions. They will falter, make mistakes and experience loss and disappointment but such feelings will make them stronger and more resilient as time goes on. They will simply learn from experience and this will drive their future thinking and choices.

Consider the following ideas to help build a child’s confidence in making their own decisions as they mature:

• Encourage your child to make up their own mind. When they vacillate between ideas remind them that their final decision is valid, respected by you and is all about ‘Having a go.’ It is not your responsibility to fix their bad decisions. This must be worked through carefully with the child and they must own their responsibility to fixing problems.

• Decision making is all about developing the skill of survival. Teachers will use opportunities to encourage decision making across their school day. It could be as simple as what group the child should join, and what project they will choose. Teachers will also affirm children for showing initiative in making decisions outside their comfort zone. This shows they are seeking and developing independent thought.

• Be an opportunist with your child. There will be times in the day when you can stand back and invite your child to make choices.

                    ‘Which of these recipes will we cook tonight?’

                    ‘What program should we watch that includes everyone?’

• Be a great model in making choices. Talk to your children about life choices you have made and choices that are critical to your life’s happiness.  Explain how such choices have dictated some paths you have taken in life.

• Of course, making choices may from time to time have consequences. Here you need to be sensitive and not override their confidence in making decisions. But of course, they will need to learn from their mistakes.

• A great tool in helping children to make decisions is to have an inquiring mind as a parent. Ask them relevant questions such as:

‘Tell me why that choice is the best?’

‘Will you get many advantages from going in that direction?’

Above all as a parent you are gradually leading them to the light where they become confident, independent individuals who are comfortable making decisions for themselves and living with them.

‘The fact is that kids learn to make good decisions by making decisions not by following directions.’

                                                          -Alfie Kohn