How many battles do you need to win?
This blog discusses the theme of picking your battles with your children wisely.
In the business of the week and with all sorts of family issues to address, the question is how many battles with your child do you want to win?
Perhaps the better question is, how many battles do you need to win to keep stability and balance in the home and to remain sane? Teachers are quite clever at picking their battles in the classroom. They recognise that some issues should simply be left alone. They have a way of taking care of themselves. Other issues can be dealt with at an appropriate time and some may need immediate action. The skill comes in recognising the issues that need addressing and why you, the teacher are concerned about them.
There are several factors that drive our motivation to deal with taking on battles with our children. These include:
Tiredness.
Preoccupation.
Busy times.
Focusing on what presses your buttons.
Irritability.
Opinions of others about your parenting.
Wanting to always win.
Frightened to be out of control as the parent.
What we need to do as parents is take a step back and when an issue has come up, try to reflect on how important is it to resolve.
Is now the best time to deal with it?
Are we in the best framework to manage the situation?
Is it an important issue?
If you are questioning whether you want to deal with the issue, this is an excellent way to start reflecting on how, when and if necessary you will deal with it.
Here I say:
Be confident that you will make the best decision of how to deal with it. After all you are now giving it some thought!
Allowing time to reflect slows down some anxious thoughts and makes the situation less heated.
You will evaluate the worth of going into battle if you simply stop and think about it.
It is always important to evaluate why you are angry and this should guide you in the best response. What is driving your anger is an important and often revealing thought to explore.
Finally, our children challenge us in many ways. We are definitely challenged by simply choosing how we respond to those situations. Our response will dictate how our relationship keeps developing.
‘Perfect parents exist but they do not yet have children.’
-Unknown
Practical Ways to Nurture Learning: A Guide for Busy Parents
Parenting can be demanding, including learning in your child's daily life doesn't have to be a struggle.
Parenting can be demanding, but incorporating learning into your child's daily life doesn't have to be an uphill struggle.
Here are some hands-on steps with accompanying examples to make the process easier and more enjoyable:
Establish Routines: Life's rhythm can simplify many things. Set up routines like breakfast time, homework hour, and bedtime rituals. For example, an after-school routine could involve a snack, a break, homework time, and then free play.
2. Promote Positive Conversations: Maintain an encouraging dialogue about their school work. For instance, instead of concentrating on scores, discuss what they found exciting in their science project or history lesson.
3. Utilise Incidental Learning: A casual chat during a car ride about how engines work or a discussion about photosynthesis while gardening can lead to learning moments.
4. Optimise Lighting: A well-lit space enhances productivity. Ensure their study area has plenty of natural light during the day and an effective lamp for evening studies.
5. Encourage Physical Activity: Play games that require movement, like a family soccer match. This balance ensures they're not stuck in front of screens all day.
6. Initiate Engaging Conversations: Find topics they're interested in and discuss them. If your child loves space, for example, a dinner conversation might revolve around recent Mars missions.
7. Celebrate Their Passions: Even if your child's fascination with drumming seems noisy, support them. Set 'drumming hours' to manage the noise and encourage their passion.
8. Express Confidence in Them: Show excitement for what excites them. Your positive reactions, especially when they master a challenging task like a tough math problem, can do wonders for their confidence.
9. Nurture a Reading Culture: Fill your home with varied reading materials. Leave books in their room, the living room, even in the kitchen. A family reading hour can be a fantastic daily habit.
10. Foster Independence: Allow them to make choices, whether it's picking their outfit or deciding the weekend meal. This autonomy builds their confidence and decision-making skills.
11. Model Positivity and Problem-Solving: Maintain a positive attitude and frame challenges as solvable problems. If a favourite toy gets lost, turn it into a fun detective game to find it.
12. Personalised Learning: Tie their tasks to their interests. If your child is a football fan, use the sport to teach concepts such as angles and speed, or percentages by analysing player statistics.
Remember, every child learns differently. Embrace the diversity of experiences as learning opportunities and stay spontaneous. As Leonardo Da Vinci aptly put it, 'Learning never exhausts the mind.' This approach fosters a lifelong love of learning in your child.
Can we control everything?
This article discusses controlling a little less and supporting a little more of your child’s sense of personal freedom.
At this stage of the year, there are plans to be made and decisions settled on for the year, especially regarding school. The question I pose is, is it necessary to be in control of everything?
There is always a small control freak in all of us. If not fragrantly displayed, it’s hidden somewhere in the deep recesses of our mind which, on occasion, makes its appearance. The more we know and the more we control, the safer we often feel.
Your children are taking on a new leaf at school this year. They are going up a notch and teachers will expect them to take on more responsibility. Perhaps this is a time to let loose a little and not be so preoccupied with everything that happens around your child. They may start telling you a little less about their day. That’s OK!
Here are some sound reasons for controlling a little less and supporting a little more of your child’s sense of personal freedom:
You certainly control your opinions but not always the external events that happen around your child. They are independent of you.
Developing an honest understanding of what is really within our control makes for realistic thinking and reduces worry.
The challenges put ahead of your child at school are their challenges and should, to a large degree, be managed by them. Of course, when issues are out of control, parental support may be necessary.
The more we let them develop independent thought and self-manage their plans the more they slowly and steadily grow stronger. The cocoon is dying and the butterfly will arise with strength and beauty after its struggle to come through that dark cocoon.
The research is clear. If a child takes ownership of their own life, they learn faster and develop independent thinking earlier and display more creative thought. They become less vulnerable to risk, are more resilient and feel happier in themselves. This builds healthy mental habits.
If we take too much control, a child will no longer own the problem and pass it over to you. It becomes your problem. Time and time again I have seen this at school when a parent wants to solve their child’s problems.
When you listen to your child talking about an issue, listen with interest and sincerity, but first, see it as their problem where you have some clear expectation that they will try to solve it. ‘I am sad to hear that Mark was mean to you at school. I am wondering how you will deal with that?’
With each new year at school comes differing challenges. Reflect on how your child is choosing to manage them and quietly step back where possible.
Think about your role as a parent. Do you have all the answers to your child’s needs? It is another generation with shifting expectations. You are there to listen and support, perhaps consult, but it is their world to own. It is their world to solve. Slightly different in expectations from yours.
School holidays are over, but that does not mean that we take some of that relaxed summer feel into our new year plan. No need to suddenly over control or feel that without good management, everything will fall apart. The chaos theory is all about the fact that out of disorder comes order. So the challenge is to let loose a little more. Can the children pack their own lunches, be responsible for school notes etc? Try to find new areas in which it is all about your child taking a little more control over themselves.
From my observations at school, I always found that when parents reduced their worry and felt less accountable for their children, they relaxed and often enjoyed the experiences of their children more fully. They enjoyed the little things and would often find pleasure in just the ordinary experiences of the day. It was like a cloud was lifted. Let loose a little and see the joy in the simple day-to-day experiences with your child.
‘I learnt that when you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.’
-QuotesGram
Poor behaviour can get you down - 9 ways to better manage
Here are nine tips to better respond when poor behaviour interferes with you and your child’s relationship.
From time to time, continued poor behaviour can be tiring and may cause a frustrated parent to overreact on the littlest of issues. It is always wise to remind yourself of one important fact, when taken seriously, it helps to ease the pressures when things just get too hard. Remember what you are seeing with your child is simply behaviour. It is acted out because of some reasons where satisfaction has not been gained. It is a call for help. It is not the nature of the child nor should you begin to feel guilty because you have feelings of not liking your child. What you do not like is the behaviour, which is temporary and is not the child.
Here are nine thoughts to help understand the best ways to respond when poor behaviour interferes with your relationship with your child:
Be a proactive parent. This is where you are actively engaged in their life and always on the lookout to be proactive. This means spending time with your child, talking to them, playing, reading together and encouraging independence. It is all about having an active presence in their life. You have more chance of being heard when disciplining and will be respected by your child when rules, routines and rituals are put in place to enrich the family.
Catch them when they are good and keep the affirmation at a high level. Be specific and let them know what you affirm them for rather than just general acknowledgement.‘Well done. You put the dishes away and now I can go to bed a little earlier.’
When problem behaviour occurs, try to think about what and why the behaviour has occurred. Finding the reason takes away the feelings of disappointment and reduces angry disappointed feelings. Listen to your child and hear what they have to say.
Prevention is better than cure. Here I suggest you make sure your child knows what is expected of them and this may mean demonstrating the expected behaviour to the child. Having regular routines is helpful in developing regular behaviour patterns. Younger children especially, may not know what is expected of them.
When disciplining, take care to criticise the behaviour of the child and not the child. Upset children can misinterpret very quickly that you dislike them. It is all about disliking the behaviour, not the child.
Learn to negotiate with your child and get them involved in talking about the consequences of their actions. Keep the punishment to only suit the crime and move on quickly. Never surprise your child with some new way of dealing with the problem. Keep consequences familiar and consistent. Check-in with them later to make sure you are back on track with your relationship.
Are there some situations that you can let go and decide that some things can just pass? It is OK to just forgive, forget and make a fresh start. This is important to be intuitive enough to know what is best left alone.
In solving problems, it is vital that it’s done with the child. Once the problem is established, look together at possible ways to deal with it. Together, choose a solution to trial. Try it and later evaluate if it worked. This is the best way to teach them how to solve problems.
Keep things as simple as possible. When a child is upset, their capacity to reason and be logical drops immensely. They need you to be clear about the concern and to direct them into managing the problem calmly and with a belief in solving the problem together.
Finally, when we think about supporting our children with behavioural issues and problems, keep in mind that children have rights. One is to be treated fairly and consistently. Parents have rights also. One is to decide what standards of behaviour are acceptable in their own home. The invitation is clear. Treat your child with dignity as you educate them into managing themselves in a loving, respectful family, where effective listening and appreciation of each others’ rights are paramount. This can start from a very early age.
‘Challenging behaviour occurs when the demands and expectations being placed upon a child outstrip the skills they have to respond.’
-Youth Dynamics
Teach our children to be flexible and with this, determination
This blog discusses parenting tips on how to combine flexibility with the importance of being determined.
We live in a world that demands a flexible and open way of being and doing. The more obstinate and single minded we become, the more obstacles we have and the lack of interest people will show in our causes. This blog is a combination of thinking about flexibility and with it the importance of being determined.
Let’s teach our children that they can be flexible and when things don’t go their way, they can change direction, try another way and with determination, keep going. How many times do things go wrong and we are left with the question of what now? A determined mind and a disposition to be flexible and try a different way, shows stamina and invariably leads to success and most definitely more satisfaction.
Take for example a child who struggles to understand subtraction. Try as they might they just can’t understand how it works. In this case, if he decides to learn a different way or perhaps set up separate lessons with his teacher, he is showing determination and a flexible approach to solving subtraction. Here there is no defeat, but a stoic approach to getting on top of the problem. What great resilience to teach your child. What wonderful feelings of being successful a child will have.
Consider:
There will be times when a problem gets on top of you. Talk to your child about all the approaches you will try to solve the problem. Let them know that with flexibility and new way of thinking, the problem can be solved. There will be no walking away from the situation.
Your child will need help from time to time. If it’s homework, avoid frustration and look for alternative ways to solve the issue. It may be a simple solution of just talking to the teacher. Either way, you let them know that it is important to get on top of the problem.
When you see your child struggling with their toys, games etc, rather than putting them away making excuses like, ‘it’s too hard or you’re so tired’, try working on suggestions: ‘Let’s find another way to put that Lego together.’ ‘The jigsaw is tricky, let’s turn it around and start from the other end.’
Here we are saying that all is possible with new ideas and the belief that you can do it.
How many times do we put things away to avoid increasing problems or disappointments? Show them that conquering the problem is the way to go using creativity and finding flexible tools. The reward is to complete the task which is so satisfying. Of course, everything within reason and a responsible parent knows when enough effort is enough.
Try to teach the principle.‘If we can’t do this, then we can have a go another way.’
Teach them that something tackled is worth finishing and that finding different ways around the problem is very satisfying.
Children can often get disappointed because they discover that they are not good runners, or they are poor at spelling. This is where we move in by reminding them that you find other things that they are good at. Teachers are very capable of redirecting a child’s focus when they feel let down when they are not showing skill in a certain area. This is being determined to not be put down by failure, but redirecting one’s thinking to what makes you shine. It is also recognising that we cannot be perfect at everything.
We all have losses and we all recognise that some things may not be obtainable but if we teach our children to be flexible and keep persevering, who knows where this life lesson goes? How many stories do we hear of brave acts such as sailing solo around the world with major disabilities?
A child who learns the value of perseverance and has an optimistic approach to solving problems in different ways is a fortunate child. They learn that having a go may mean failure but having another go, it might just work!
‘They can’t use up creativity. The more you use the more they have.’
-Mayo Angelou
Choose your battles. That’s the best win.
When raising a child, it is important you pick your battles wisely. Read some parenting tips you may find helpful in these situations.
Sometimes being right is not always the best outcome for the situation. Naturally, the feeling of being right can be overpowering and we feel compelled to set everything on the right curve. After all, if you know what’s right, you naturally want to do the right thing.
Actually, we need to think beyond that and realise that choosing your battles will actually empower you better, when working out issues with your children. Resistance comes fast and furious if you are the one with all the answers. Children learn to shut down, not listen and sometimes work in a rebellious way.
Knowing which battles to fight and which ones to leave is a powerful lesson.
Consider:
Is winning all the time teaching the child any lessons? Sometimes allowing them to decide even though mistakes are made is a great learning lesson. If your child thinks you are always right and have the answers, how will they ever learn themselves? Here the child becomes dependent on the parent and never seeks answers and solutions for themselves. This is a dangerous direction, leading to very poor self-esteem and I might add poor school performance.
By demonstrating to your child that you don’t have all the answers and sometimes you let things go, teaches your child the very human face that you present to them. It is a wise parent that sometimes lets things go.
Remember that some battles are quite insignificant. Consider whether or not it is important to win small victories. Often these are insignificant but can mount up if you are out to win all battles.
Children learn the art of avoidance very quickly if they have dominant parents that seem to know everything. It is much easier for them not to discuss matters with you. Silence, when used, is a great trick or developed skill. Your child will feel happier not going into battle over matters that they know they will lose. This sets a dangerous precedence and your child will seek out their needs elsewhere.
When a battle is brewing and you think it is important to bring up, go gently into active listening. Hear their concerns. Try to resolve the matter with some understanding of their needs. Negotiation is the best way forward and will lead to their confidence in approaching you again.
Think across a day, a week, a month etc. and try not to go into battle too often. It is habit-forming. Try walking away, counting to ten, practise some deep breathing. Find strategies that will reduce your anger and invite more reflection on whether it was worth the battle.
After you learn to be more intuitive with regard to what is worth the battle, you may find yourself relaxing more and not taking everything so seriously.
Finally, your relationship is not about the battles won but the battles that need to be avoided and the relationship that strengthens by less confrontation.
Some children will press your buttons more than others. Think about what is the driver in their behaviour that makes you so upset. Try to reflect on ways around that and it may be by counting to ten, breathing slowly or simply walking away. Quick reactions leading to control can only reduce your healthy relationship, so be alert to how your child interacts with you.
‘Choose your battles wisely because if you fight them all you’ll be too tired to win the really important ones’.
-The MindsJournal.com
How to motivate your child to learn
Motivating your child to learn can be quite challenging, here’s a few parenting tips on how to keep your child motivated to learn inside and outside of the classroom.
This can be a challenge for some children who can lose motivation at school and find the whole exercise of school just too much. They can develop a flight or fight mentality to escape school or simply disengage, which is such a frustrating and helpless experience for the family to understand. Merely encouraging them or advising them about the advantages of school does not make a great deal of difference. In fact the more we talk about it, the more they can feel a failure in your eyes and further reject school.
Consider the following ideas to help motivate a child about school:
• Develop at home an atmosphere where learning is seen as a good thing. Talk about how you learn and what you enjoy when you want to read a book etc. Keep reading alive at home as we know that being able to read is a key to being happy and successful at school. The process of learning to read helps keep the brain active in processing information and communication. A child who reads will have less problems being motivated at school. Reading excites the imagination and keeps the interest high in learning.
• Encourage your child to be independent in their learning. Try not to put controls on them or limit what they must learn. We now know that children learn in all different ways and this creative process should be encouraged. Give them choices and affirm what they choose to learn. A motivated child will always want to follow their passions.
• Keep the conversations going and keep them frequent. Make them positive and full of reassurance and confidence in their efforts. Listen to their opinions and applaud creative thinking. A child needs to feel that how they learn has value and that what they have to say is important. They may challenge you in the way they think but that is OK!
• Notice the uniqueness of your child and home in on their interests. Sometimes their passions and interests last a short while, sometimes they last forever. Either way, your child needs to be supported in those interests and made to feel that their passions are powerful and valued. Help them to discover more about their passions. Perhaps if fishing is their interest go to the library together and collect books on fishing.
• All children learn differently. Any teacher will tell you this. Don't be critical of their learning style. Allow them to discover their best way of learning. When we force their hand at changing how they learn, this can destroy a child’s confidence and they can begin to doubt their ability to learn.
• Consider sharing games together. They are a great family activity but also reinforce that learning is a successful tool in playing games. A child works out that to be successful at the game they should try harder and understand more.
• Remember that the process of learning is what is important. Reward and acknowledge the effort, not the outcome. Remember that a child looks for your approval and is more motivated by your acceptance of their efforts rather than how they were successful. If absolute success is your goal, a child will become anxious about rising to meet that challenge. This is where disengagement can happen.
• Every child has strengths. It is easy for us to see our weaknesses and so important for a child to feel success through their strengths. Teachers are very good at picking up on this in class and will focus on a child’s strength to give them reassurance that they can easily learn. It also makes children less anxious about their weaknesses. This also teaches a child that failure is part of life and that we use it as a means to learn. Focusing on their weakness only shrouds them in a sense of failure and disengagement from school is not far away.
• Be a learner yourself and use opportunities around you to engage your child in learning. This is about developing an inquiring mind. Learning is catchy and your child will see you as someone helping them to develop an inquiring mind and to be curious about all sorts of things.
• Children can from time to time lose some motivation at school.
Remember they are children and may need time to simply rest a little from formal learning. Your teacher has an excellent knowledge on how your child learns and I would recommend you speak to them when motivation drops off.
‘There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly
-Buckskin Fuller
Children who find school a struggle
Many children have times when they feel they are struggling not just with school but also with friends, home issues, siblings, etc. Children can and do have down times. If your child is struggling, read here for some tips.
Many children have times when they feel they are struggling not just with school but also with friends, home issues, siblings, etc. Children can and do have down times. It’s natural. Also there are some children who really find the process of school difficult academically and socially. There are many shades in between but it is reasonable to say that most children will have some struggles along the way. A proportion of this is acceptable, but when it gets out of hand it is necessary to intervene but effectively.
Consider:
If your child has outbursts of frustration then these must just happen. Sometimes frustration comes out through poor behaviour, moodiness, etc., but these feelings need to be expelled. It is their way of letting you know how poor they feel and they want you to have that same feeling. Best to let it happen and gently talk to them:
‘Seems like you have something on your mind. You are so upset.’
Here you are giving them a chance to simply talk about the matter. You are not asking the question, why?
Creating space when tension builds is a great vehicle for a child letting off steam and it gives you the parent a chance to process what has just happened with the outburst. Many a time in the classroom, when tension was building up, we all went out for a quick run on the oval. It was an amazing way to break from the stress and it set the scene for a new direction. Fresh air and a quick walk can make all the difference for all parties concerned.
After a child becomes reactive you cannot go straight into conversations, trying to make sense of what has happened. They are simply not listening at that point and probably will not hear the logic of what you are saying. In our best interest we want to understand the behaviour but think about yourself after you have been quite upset, do you hear what people are saying to you? The same happens after shocks. That immediate follow up time is a time when listening is non existent.
There is a tendency to naturally help our children excessively especially when we see them struggling. Whilst your assistance is needed and valued it, should be tempered with the child learning about failure and accepting that we learn through failure. However, a child must have feelings of success along the way. So I appreciate the care and balance you make as a caring parent when helping your child.
Keep the school close to you. They are the key figures in formal learning for the child. They set homework and should take responsibility if it is too much for the child. Homework is very secondary as a learning tool and should not come between you and the child. Remember you are not the arbitrator of what the child learns. You are the loving parent giving reassurance.
Helping your child put organisation into their life is a great way of supporting their learning. Many children can get overwhelmed by the school’s expectations and if you gently assist in helping them plan out the week this can reduce pressure.
If you have a child inclined to build anxiety quickly then consider slowing down the expectations for the week. Tailor those expectations to suit how the child is coping and be flexible when it comes to domestic expectations etc. A change in pace can make all the difference for an anxious child who lacks confidence.
Plenty of sleep and exercise is a critical dimension to a child’s life. Sometimes when a child is struggling at school they may have success through sport and they feel so much better.
Try not to keep asking how are they going at school? They will tell you in due time. Asking too often can only encourage them to shut down and not talk about school at all. After all who wants to talk about feeling a failure? Turn your questions about school into a positive framework:
‘You seemed happy coming out of the classroom, I wonder what that was about?’
Classroom teachers are very conscious of providing daily balance for the children throughout the whole week. This balance is all about ensuring they have successes and they learn from mistakes. They should have moments of feeling good about their achievements and moments of being socially well accepted. It’s all about the right checks and balances and so too is our parenting, especially with those children more vulnerable.
‘There are two gifts we should give our children, is roots and the other is wings.’
Just going with the flow could be the best option
Go with the flow! If we remain rigid in how we organise our lives, we will only experience disappointment and this will add to diminishing your mental health.
We all like our sense of organisation and certainly. Being in control gives us a feeling of security and no doubt provides stability for the children. Having said all this, I believe that this year we may need to be more flexible and learn to go with the flow a little more.
Accepting that this flow will change as our pandemic twists and turns into different challenges may be the safest route to follow. After all, if we remain rigid in how we organise our lives, we will only experience disappointment and this will add to diminishing your mental health.
Schools have learnt over the past two years to be more flexible with timetables and to plan for the unexpected. This has taken its toll on the staff and school community, but they are now aiming to be one step ahead of pandemic changes. Also, they have educated themselves on the implications of the virus and how to best provide for children’s safety. So, the new norm is all about setting and resetting new directives that fit into a more flexible world. Schools see change as a normal part of life and so too do the children.
Be open to chaos and embrace its freedom. It is amazing the wisdom that will flow.
Consider the following thoughts to encourage reflection on an easier flowing year.
If you are a long-term planner, such as planning by terms, allow some flexibility with that or at least have in the back of your mind how you can adjust.
Talk to your children about how planning from time to time may need restructuring which ultimately improves the status quo. After all, you may have a set route to travel in your car but on occasions rerouting is necessary.
Read the news that gives us a clear update of any changes or planned Government changes. This will help you make better-informed decisions on how you as a family operate.
Take care not to be too publicly negative about unsettling news. Children need the truth, but it can be framed in a way that implies the situation created will ultimately strengthen our knowledge and management of the virus. After all, no matter what you think, people are generally trying to make things better. It is in our nature to improve our situations and science has shown some extraordinary developments in such a short time.
On your family calendar when you hear of something positive happening such as the arrival of RAT kits for everyone, record it on the calendar. It is such a positive sign for children that good things are happening. Strange that we may be recording such a situation, but times are different and our new norm requires a rethink of what we value.
Children are surprisingly very versatile. As we grow older, we become more rigid in our thinking. We become more secure in what we know that has been tried and tested. Talk to your children about how you are open to being more flexible and invite them to make suggestions, especially when things need to change. They are creative individuals who need to use their creativity, especially in today’s unstable world. Let them in on your planning.
Finally, we all like a little control over our life and yet chaos brings new challenges and lifts our horizons in many ways. It refreshes our thinking and cognitively enlivens our thinking process. Be open to chaos and embrace its freedom. It is amazing the wisdom that will flow.
‘Problems disappear when we are willing to be flexible.’
-Roxanne Jones
The proactive approach for our children is the right way to go
Best to always avoid tricky situations than to dive into them unprepared. The consequences can be long, overcomplicated and perhaps could have been avoided with some proactive actions. As busy parents, who wants to deal with extra problems and find themselves in more complicated situations than is necessary? Being proactive requires some thought to foresee what is likely to happen and where possible go around the problem or divert the situation. When you know your child and how they respond to certain situations you are in the best position to be proactive.
Being proactive also has many benefits in building stronger, healthier relationships with your child.
By avoiding the little problems, you are less likely to have to deal with issues escalating to a new level. One problem can easily triple in a short time.
Better parenting is all about planning well and recognising the signs that can change a happy situation into a disaster in a flash.
It is healthier to be in a positive state with your child than to be regularly dealing with behavioural issues that can require discipline etc. In the first instance, they could have been avoided.
To be proactive, a parent looks for the best way to deal with some issue before it actually happens. This requires knowing your child and choosing occasions and times that work best for you. It may mean redirecting plans, reducing hostile conversations, noticing less trouble and generally looking for the positive in situations.
Be alert. Tired parents and children are not a good combination for avoiding conflict.
Put some family strategies in place that are proactive. For example, if your child is always running to find their bag for school, get them to put it near the door the night before. It is all about seeing a potential occasion where it can escalate making everyone unhappy.
Affirming your child is also a very proactive activity. The more they feel valued in doing the right thing, the greater possibility out will be repeated.
Be clear in your directions and make sure that your child heard your instructions before reacting. Sometimes busy times with poor listening can quickly escalate into problems when real listening has not occurred.
Look at the setup of your home. Are there places around the house that encourage sound relationships or are there obstacles that can cause tension such as computers in family spaces? For example, are bikes, toys etc. put in safe places that are accessible but not interfering with movement? Take a walk around the house, are there places and spaces that can be improved where a child will not break precious items, etc. The environment in the house should suit the age of your family.
Speak optimistically. This always suggests that there is no threat in your voice and that you are in no way upset. A child listens to their parents’ voices to get a measure of how they are valued. They are more likely to respond well and less reactive if feeling reassured.
Above all recognise that being a proactive person reduces tension, avoids unnecessary confrontation, builds stronger relationships and models to a child that working in a positive framework is a much more powerful and effective way of living happily and peacefully.
‘Being positive won’t guarantee you’ll succeed.
But being negative will guarantee you won’t.
-Jon Gordon
Dealing with the put downs
Nobody likes being put down. Children especially can begin to see putdowns as something they deserve or an indication that they are not worthy to be given credibility. No matter how we avoid them they often come our way, subtly or more directly.
If a child takes an aggressive response to the put down, the problem can quickly escalate. When the child responds by passively giving in and not responding, they can build resentment and this behaviour does not stop the put downs from coming their way. The best response is for a child to be assertive, expressing themselves in a way that clearly tells the offender that their behaviour was unacceptable. This assertive way of responding does not put the other person down which further shows maturity on the part of the child being put down.
The best way to be assertive is to state it clearly.
“I am upset that you speak that way. I find it offensive.”
“I am disappointed in your words. They are quite hurtful.”
“I don’t like the way you talk to me. It’s quite inappropriate.”
These responses are about informing the offender that their words are offensive. In no way does it seek retribution, but it puts the offender on notice that their words were not to be tolerated.
It is also about looking the offender in the eye, being clear in your speech and showing confidence in the way you calmly rebuff their accusations. This is about developing emotional maturity which helps the child respond in ways that give them a sense of being in control. As the parent you can help your child show assertiveness by the following:
Give the example of being assertive yourself when you feel spoken to or treated poorly.
Teach your child to use the “I” statement. Get them to practise them….
“I am disappointed when…”
“I am unhappy when…”
“I do not like your behaviour when…”
Once the child becomes familiar with using this language, they have a quick and effective way of responding to the person putting them down. The more they use it, the stronger they feel.
Discuss times when you used assertive approaches in your life and how you felt afterwards.
From time to time tap in with them in relation to how they feel about themselves when others speak poorly to them. Sometimes frequent and subtle put downs can build up considerable feelings of being bullied. Ignoring put downs can also encourage the offender to keep on with the attack.
In a classroom, it is common practice that teachers will role model how to be assertive and encourage children to use language that works. Whilst still taking responsibility when they see a child bullying another, they will still teach the offended child to be assertive to prevent future attacks and to recognise when words used are unacceptable.
The teacher will also instruct the child using an “I” statement to state clearly the reasons for the upset.
“I am angry when you laugh at my new glasses.”
“I feel very upset when you laugh at my stutter.”
Teachers will also encourage children to recognise when a put down is unacceptable. Accepting and tolerating put downs requires a maturity to determine the intent.
However, should put downs become unmanageable then adult intervention should take place. Take care to know when this is necessary as prolonged and unmanaged putdowns can turn into severe bullying.
Finally, you the parent through your own experiences can model when a put down is not acceptable. Your understanding of your child’s sensitivity and emotional maturity should give you the guidance to teach them how to be assertive and in control at any age.
“Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”
How to deal with outbursts of anger.
Let’s consider the age of the child for this matter. Younger children when they have fits of rage are often expressing disappointments etc. with very little language and so, to them, having a full-on outburst is their way of sending out very loud messages that their needs are not being met. When such an outburst occurs and it is a high one, there is little you can do at the time, other than keep the child safe and wait! Sounds useless but once a child is in an uncontrollable state no logic, nor reasonable conversation will be heard. The child is simply zoned out. Their emotions have taken over and they are not capable of responding to your pleas. When they have calmed down and you feel that they are more in control, than that is the time to simply say:
‘You have been so upset; something is making you feel that way.’
Gentle conversation and listening to their concerns are now the best time to discuss what happened. Keep in mind with some children, they may not fully understand how unsettled they became during the crisis and they may need some emotional chill out time to really calm down. Common practice at school when a child was out of control was to keep them safe in a room and simply wait until they calmed down. Teachers know that high order emotions are not a time to discuss problems.
When older children have an outburst of anger, care must be taken to ensure they are safe. This is always the first priority. Once again whilst they are in a severely distressed state, there is little you can do, except be patient. Offer no criticism, just reassuring words. Accept that this is not a time to talk about the problem. Allow time for the child to calm down and take care even then about discussing the matter at hand. Some parents may choose to say:
‘Something has really upset you and when you feel ready, I would like to talk to you about it.’
Remember the following important points when there are serious outbursts of anger.
Time out to calm down is the best and most effective response.
When you talk to your child later about the outburst, keep in mind that they may not actually think the outburst was such a problem. When you are out of control, you are not aware on what is disturbed and unsettled around you.
You may be quite upset about the outburst. You may also be angry that the outburst was such a disturbance. Take care not to be carrying any of this hostility around when talking about the outburst. Choose your time well.
Once the outburst is over, you may find your child quite tired as a lot of energy goes into these outbursts. Be prepared to allow some time for your child to mentally rest from the experience.
An outburst, depending on the age of the child, can be about a little matter, but it could also be about a matter that they simply cannot resolve any other way. When talking about the outburst, take care not to understate the importance to the child.
Often with young children, they cannot express themselves well. Their language and ability to process thoughts are limited and so the outburst is one way of drawing attention to themselves. Take care not to be too disciplinarian about the outburst as it is for them a means of expressing themselves. Older children, who use outbursts, are more a concern as generally, they choose to be emotional in a public way, rather than use language and other means to help them. Such children need careful support to strengthen their ability to communicate their messages better.
Keep in mind that if you demonstrate in your own life that outbursts are your way of coping with stress, you are telling your child that this behaviour is acceptable.
Above all, keep in mind that outbursts are about sending us a message of being unhappy. Our parental job is to gently decipher the problem after the outbursts have passed when we observe that the child is in a better space to listen. This of course may be more about their time rather than ours. Patience is needed.
“The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways.”
Asking for help, is an important tool in learning
Are you the person that always asks for help? Some children naturally ask, even though they may not have thought through what they are asking. This, for some, can simply be a habit. Other children can be slower in asking for help and others may not ask for help due to shyness, embarrassment, fear of looking like a failure, etc. Not getting into the habit of asking questions, can be dangerously habit forming and we want our children to hear their voice in the classroom when questions are asked.
Whatever the category your child falls into, all children need to ask for help in the classroom and learn that asking for help is natural and to be expected in developing an inquiring mind. Once a child becomes an adolescent, they need to have conquered their fears to ask for help, otherwise, it can become an academic and social minefield.
Teachers carefully monitor those children who remain silent and work very calmly and skilfully to bring their voice into the harmony of all the classroom when questions are asked. A teacher will respect the quiet child, but work to get their questions and voice out in the open.
Asking questions suggests developing intellectual curiosity and perseverance to learn more. By asking questions our children are wanting to explore concepts for themselves and make sense of what they don’t understand.
At home, you can support your child to ask questions in the following ways.
Asking questions suggests developing intellectual curiosity and perseverance to learn more
Ask a lot of questions yourself. Demonstrate to your child that asking questions gives you the knowledge you need to feel satisfied.
When together as a family, have a game of asking questions. This can be a great game in the car and the importance here is to invite questions about some information. The game of ‘I spy’ is a popular one.
Ask your child about how they gain information in the class. Do they ask questions? Are they comfortable asking questions? Do they feel asking questions helps them learn? If this is a problem,
Talk to your child’s teachers about how best to assist your child.
Once a week around the table ask the children to simply ask questions. This can be around a topic, a picture etc. the importance is simply to practice asking questions.
We are aiming for our children to recognise that asking questions is a normal part of solving problems. It should be to a child a natural process this is used in building knowledge.
“The important thing is to not stop questioning.”
Teaching your children to be planners
Organisation is always a challenge for children as they grow. Also, as parents, some of us are less organised people in planning events etc. It’s just in our nature how we approach planning. This article tells us that planning can be learnt, which is so beneficial for children’s success in self-management. The earlier they value being a planner, the more they gain through being organised and in control of what they are doing.
Taking time to plan something well shows that a person is making choices about how they want to be in control of their actions. They come to understand that they will have more successful outcomes by being a planner. Planning well gives you a vision into what you are expecting as an outcome. To be productive is to plan well. For example, if you plan your trip well for the school holidays you feel reassured that it will be successful and that you have a clear understanding of what to expect. There are fewer unfortunate surprises.
There are developing skills in learning to plan well and children will get better at it and more accurate in their planning, reading situations better etc. as time goes. They will make mistakes but grow in confidence about sharpening the planning process.
Teachers know that planning their lessons well is the key to the quality of teaching. Without effective well-planned lessons, teachers easily lose control of the outcomes. They understand that the quality of their planning will impact a child’s learning.
Read here to help your child be a dedicated planner.
They are also keen to teach children the importance of planning and when assignments are on the agenda, teachers will spend considerable time with children discussing their plan. Sometimes pieces of work are marked on the quality of the planning demonstrated by a child.
When we teach our children to plan important events etc., they begin to value the process of planning as a way of managing their world and feel in control. They are setting the directions themselves. Once they feel the success of their planning, children will want more control of their actions.
Here are some thoughts on helping your child become a dedicated planner.
Demonstrate to your child how you plan for important events, occasions etc. Allow them to share in some of this planning. Is planning an important part of your work life?
There are various ways to plan and everyone develops their own style. Talk about what tools you use to help you plan. For example, are you someone who takes notes?
Do you plan your events on a computer? Do you revisit the plan?
What resources do you use in planning?
When your child talks about important events that they will participate in, talk about what plans they have in place to make it successful.
When planning we all need time for this and talk to your children about how much time they will give to the planning process.
Talk about successes you have had from careful planning. It is also worthwhile to talk about the trial and error in planning. This is also an important process we go through before discernment.
A wise person sees planning as a natural part of putting order and structure into their world. Teaching our children, the value of planning gives them an important tool in guiding their directions with personal satisfaction and confidence.
“‘Good teaching is more a giving of right questions than a giving of right answers.’
-Josef Albers”
Teaching our children to take on responsibility
This is all about giving them gradual independence to manage themselves. As they grow in independence they will certainly come across situations where they are uncomfortable, exposed to failure and feel generally unsatisfied with their efforts. These are all-natural feelings. Sometimes as parents we think by taking the responsibility away from them, they will have less pain and besides what if they make a mistake? How will they feel?
As the child grows in independence, they also grow in taking on their own responsibility for things. This teaches them to own the situation. There is much satisfaction with a child when they start to take responsibility. This gives them a sense of self-worth and a feeling of growing up as a real person. There is nothing more enriching than having that feeling of making decisions yourself.
Our role as parents is to support this gradual development and watch with joy our young one taking on responsibility.
Teachers know that in order for children to learn effectively they need to take ownership of their learning. During the school day, teachers will provide situations where children will make informed decisions on what they learn and how they learn. At parent-teacher interviews, there is nothing more satisfying for a parent than to hear that their child is a responsible learner. This has come about by gradually learning to take risks and to make responsible choices for themselves.
Teachers know that success only comes from accepting responsibility.
You will be amazed how small opportunities to take on responsibility will increase self-esteem once they are successful in showing responsibility.
Consider the following thoughts to build stamina in your child with regard to taking on responsibility:
Consider your own life situation. Are you a person that models responsibility and ownership of situations? Talk to your child about why this has been important to you over the years.
Do you have a list of chores at home that your child must do as part of the family routine? Could these chores grow in responsibility as the child gets older and demonstrates their growing strength in this area?
If you are having a holiday, get your child involved in the planning and being responsible for certain duties. Perhaps they take ownership of packing their bags, researching venues etc.
Talk about the responsibility of doing tasks at school. We know that leadership develops in children who show strong skills in being responsible. School captains are chosen from those children who demonstrate strong skills in being responsible. Teachers frequently set up monitors in classrooms on a rotation basis giving children responsibilities to manage.
Talk about how you value your child’s growing awareness and interest in taking on responsibility. Take care not to rescue your child too soon after disaster strikes as this will only disengage your child from taking on responsibility. It also delays any further interest in being responsible.
For those children reticent to be independent, give them small opportunities to be independent. You will be amazed how this will grow once they are successful in showing responsibility.
We live in a world where the safety of our children is paramount and to this end, I can understand how we are cautious parents in giving them too much responsibility and independence early.
I would argue that with gradual responsibility being handed to them, they are stronger and more confident young people. They are more observant of life around them when being responsible for themselves. They confidently and intuitively show skill in navigating their way around difficult situations and are much happier in themselves being in control.
“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”
The value of teaching about choice
Our children should learn that making choices is a very powerful tool in making sound informed decisions in life. Of course, we can make choices that do not give the outcome we expect and can of course lead to failure. However, making such a choice is also a valuable learnt experience.
Making choices begins to define our character. It aligns us in certain directions and it can be a turning point on many directions. Our children make choices all the time. The key point here is to teach them that making choices is a powerful statement to others of who they are and what they value. We also learn to own our choices and to understand that what we choose should be seen proactively.
Here are some thoughts on helping children understand that choices influence and direct their world:
Talk about some choices you may have made over the years. Some were very successful and perhaps others required a rethink and reset.
Teach your child that making a choice is a privilege. We can make decisions but they will be owned and lived through by yourself.
When discussing optional matters that can be chosen remind them that the choice they make should be one from which they grow and learn. It should be a proactive and mature choice that leads to a healthy outcome. They must own the outcome and not regret it but move forward no matter what. There is no blame when you choose to make a choice.
Classrooms have many occasions when children make choices. This is especially the case when working on projects. Teachers encourage them to think through their choice such that they will gain the knowledge and learning they want from the exercise. Here teachers are encouraging them to think through the choices they make.
Parents should plan to set up a working relationship with their children which does give them many occasions to make choices. The more you can encourage this, the quicker they develop independent thinking and begin to be selective in their planning. As a parent delaying their ability to make choices delays their interest in self-management. We want our children to have the confidence to make choices fully aware of their actions and aware that they own the outcome.
Slow and steady support in this area will give our children the confidence to be independent thinkers, enlightened and well-rounded individuals.
‘The fact is that kids learn to make good decisions, by making decisions, not by following directions.’
-Alfie Kohn
“The fact is that kids learn to make good decisions, by making decisions, not by following directions.”
Fight, flight or go with the flow.
Do you have one of these tendencies when you are dealing with a conflictual issue? Sometimes our determination, sense of self-worth and anxiety about failure can take over and rather than losing face we can choose a flight or fight mode to cope. From time to time we switch into different modes. Flight and fight are a form of escapism from combined resolution.
Children will naturally experiment with all three modes and as they mature, we hope that they will be more inclined to read the signs and go with the flow avoiding failure. Rather this is more about understanding the circumstances, being tolerant of other’s opinions and not wearing the problem. It takes considerable maturity to go with the flow and compromise your way of being. However, after time you begin to realise the advantages of it.
Flowing with the situation requires discernment and developing the wisdom to cope with the situation, not personalise the matter and not get stressed. This may mean compromising your principals but it is also about thinking of others and valuing their input.
Parents who take on the fight model will eventually struggle as the child gets older. Fleeing is a model where we avoid situations that can eventually grow into a much more complex problem.
Are you a fight, flight or go with the flow type of parent?
Modelling for our children the art of flowing is teaching them that fight or flight is short term satisfaction. To flow keeps you in the discussion and hopefully, you still have stakes in the matter.
Teachers are all about negotiation and compromise. They teach children that when they are faced with a problem it is best to confront it and together with the other person negotiate a way though. If a teacher uses the model of fighting to win, they understand that eventually, their power runs out and no real resolution is made other than damaged relationships.
Consider:
When discussing matters with your child that can be unsettling, take care not to immediately resort to power to end the matter. This is likened to fighting to win and will eventually be unsuccessful. Negotiate. Talk to your child about what is on their mind and be prepared to discuss the matter calmly. Using the fight mode tells your children that the matter is unsettling for you and perhaps you are not the right person to talk to about the issue.
Parents can use flight by refusing to talk to their child about matters that they don’t want discussed. Escaping from such conversations can lead to children seeking resolution elsewhere.
Always be prepared to listen and discuss. You may be surprised at what you learn.
If you child has a tendency to fight or to run away from issues, gently engage with them and help them talk through the problem calmly and without judgement.
Teach your child that being prepared to listen, can lead to new information. Once you listen it is easier to go with the flow and simply you work through the problem more easily. You are more inclined to have a positive input into problems or conflict if people see you as someone who is fair and reasonable in discussing matters that are sensitive.
“If you want to fly give up everything that weighs you down.”
Sometimes it’s best to just go with the flow
Sometimes it is not possible to be reactive to a situation that is unsettling or perhaps able to control things well. This is life. There are far too many unknowns on a day to day basis. Perhaps even minute to minute basis. At the moment with CoVid still present and appearing in different forms, we need to go with the flow a little more as it ebbs and changes around our community. The more we think it is under control, the more we will be frustrated as rules and health recommendations change.
Good modelling for the child is that they recognise in their family that sometimes we can ebb and flow when pressure builds up. Allowing some flexibility and breathing space in tricky situations allows time to sometimes solve the problem or at least reduce the tension.
Teachers are very aware that sometimes it is simply best to change directions and just go with the flow. This is a saving grace when pressure builds in a classroom. Also, it is worth remembering to be a little fluid can prevent major storms. Avoiding a major storm means that there is less damage control and damaged relationships. Teachers will also measure success not by major achievements but by avoiding obstacles that can slow down and hinder their overall work. This can also be called wisdom.
A few tips:
Read the signs. If pressure is building can I just change directions and accept how things work out? Am I able to accept the fluid directions that can sometimes lead to a surprise outcome?
Am I able to understand that life may not always give us exactly what we planned?
Watch your expectations. If you set very high expectations it can be more difficult to slow down and just go with the flow.
When you have decided to go with the flow, talk to your child as to why you think this is the better option. Demonstrating that you are flexible when necessary is a positive trait.
Do you know successful people that are spontaneous in slowing down and redirecting actions when needed? Talk about their gifts and how this works for that person.
Sometimes fighting and seeking to fly away from the problem can lead to considerable stress. The more we try to control, the more tension and failure can easily be set up. Best to use a wise head and allow some flow into your life. It can also be a joy experimenting with a more fluid disposition.
It is better for children to develop discernment and learn when and how to go with the flow to suit the occasion. Building on such early wisdom can only strengthen their emotional maturity.
“f you can’t fight and you can’t flee-flow’”
Schools are all about problem solving
Do you like problem-solving? Schools are all about problem-solving. Children are invited to pose questions and go through a process of exploring optional ways of learning about the matter. You could say that it is quite open-ended and some people who are more closed in the way they work feel that inviting questions is not the best way to learn. Whatever your thoughts, education is all about making inquiries and investigating and probing into issues. We are encouraging our children to be problem solvers, to accept that there are various ways to look at a problem and various ways to explore options.
As parents, this is an opportunity to support the child’s learning by being someone who doesn’t put all the answers in front of the child. Your role is to explore questions with your child. Asking questions and together reflecting on different ways to look at a problem. You have many opportunities as a parent to share in this method of teaching children.
Consider:
Schools, problem solving in The Primary Years
When you are together in the car this is a great time to explore ideas together perhaps about what you see outside.
Read some content of the newspaper to your child. Discuss some topic that lends itself to being seen from many angles.
Plan to have a weekly family discussion on some controversial matter. Remember to give your child ample opportunity to respond with ideas. If you watch some news together there is plenty of content there for discussion and general inquiry.
Tune into some of the work the child is doing at school that may involve a project on some topic. Notice how there are many questions being posed about that topic. Here you can join in with some ideas of your own.
In engaging with your child through an inquiry approach to ensure that you value their opinions and ask about their sources of information. After all, questioning leads to quite a lot of researching.
When you see the research that your child is doing on a set topic, tune in with some question’s about the nature of the research and how it fits into the whole topic.
With younger children, you can still explore with them many of the questions that they ask on a regular basis. They love the question…
“Why?”
This is a chance to explore different answers together.
These thoughts are simply to help parents tune into the nature of the inquiry approach which is all about showing an investigative attitude to all areas of learning. The more we question, the more we explore optional ways of looking at situations and problems.
“Questions are the engines of intellect. The cerebral machines which convert energy to motion, to curiosity, to controlled inquiry.”
How does the punishment fit the crime?
In our tricky world, appropriate consequences for poor behaviour, are hard to resolve. Given the intense time we are placed in with our children there will be occasions when we need to correct their behaviour. We need incredible tolerance and understanding under the circumstances, even though we are under so much personal pressure.
When we live in a confined space together and have to create our own new world, this will come with unusual tensions which do not demand a familiar response. What is normal in these situations? There is no familiar formula.
I would be recommending not considering punishment to fit the crime, but rather reflecting on how the child is coping with the tensions and how best to respond. Consider the following suggestions in talking to your child when their behaviour is out of control and your ability to manage the situation is at a low.
“I am upset that this has happened. How can we best deal with it?”
“I find that things are difficult at the moment, please find a solution to help me get on top of this problem.”
“I am angry that this has happened and I am finding it difficult, what can we do to solve this problem?”
“My ability to handle this situation is not great at the moment we will deal with it later.”
All these responses are about acknowledging behavioural problems, not overreacting, yet demonstrating a need to talk it through and resolve the matter. It gives you the personal space to take away the anger and think about how to respond in a fair and reasonable way at a later date.
Quick aggressive responses do require a fair bit of comeback and can-do considerable damage to fragile relationships.
Whilst I appreciate that through active listening and understanding the problem, there may still need to be consequences. I am however, advising that in a confined situation for a prolonged time it will require both parties to have tolerance and shift expectations in terms of consequences. We are in a new norm and this is taking its toll on everyone. It requires us as parents to think differently in managing our children. Abiding by “old thinking” will not be the answer for supporting children in this unique situation. Tolerance, understanding, forgiveness, turning a blind eye, etc. are helpful tools in moving forward in some situations.
The parent needs to show intuition, wisdom and discernment in finding solutions to inappropriate behaviour often driven by extremely different circumstances for all parties. This is where you, the parent take ownership of managing the situation well.
“You have to think a little smarter, be proactive not reactive.”
In these stressful times, we need tolerance and shift expectations in terms of consequences.