Navigating the Emotional Roller coaster: Supporting Parents with Children at School

The journey of parenting can be a roller coaster of emotions, especially when it comes to supporting your children's experiences at school. As parents, we all want the best for our kids and wish to see them thrive in their academic and social lives. However, it is not uncommon to encounter various challenges that may leave us feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or even helpless.

This blog aims to provide emotional support and practical strategies for parents to navigate the ups and downs of their children's school lives. For some children and parents school can be a very challenging environment on many levels.

Understanding the Emotional Landscape of School Life:

• Embrace the joy of seeing your child explore and learn new things at school, even though it may come with challenges like stress and anxiety.

• Celebrate your child's bravery as they face peer pressure and academic demands, knowing that they will grow stronger through these experiences.

• Remember, it's okay to feel a mix of emotions as a parent – from worry to pride – it shows how much you care about your child's well-being and success.

Effective Communication with Your Child:

• Share laughter and light-hearted moments with your child when talking about their school life. A good sense of humour can bridge any communication gaps.

• Rejoice in being a trusted confidante for your child, where they can freely share their frustrations and feelings about school.

• Cherish those spontaneous moments when your child needs you, knowing that your attentive presence helps them navigate through their challenges.

Building Resilience in Your Child:

• Celebrate your child's growth mindset and the positive attitude they develop towards learning and setbacks. Their resilience will lead them to greater achievements.

• Embrace the joy of teaching your child coping skills like yoga, mindfulness, or deep breathing, knowing you're giving them valuable tools for life.

• Witness the strength and resilience your child exhibits when facing stress and anxiety, and be proud of their ability to overcome obstacles.

Dealing with Academic Pressures:

• Take pride in your child's efforts and progress, letting them know that their hard work is appreciated regardless of the outcome.

• Find joy in striking a balance between supporting your child's academics and allowing them to grow independently, fostering their self-confidence.

• Celebrate each step of improvement and acknowledge your child's accomplishments, boosting their self-esteem along the way.

Handling Social and Peer-Related Issues:

• Find joy in being your child's pillar of support during friendship struggles, knowing you play a crucial role in their social development.

• Celebrate the moments when your child shows empathy and inclusiveness, as they cultivate healthy social skills and create meaningful friendships.

• Rejoice in the close connections you build with other parents and the valuable support network that helps normalize your concerns.

Coping with Transitions:

• Treasure the joy of witnessing your child navigate significant transitions, like starting school or changing schools, and seeing them grow in adaptability.

• Celebrate the milestones and graduations in your child's life, knowing that you've been there for them during every step of the journey.

Self-Care for Parents:

• Embrace the joy of prioritising self-care, as it not only benefits you but also positively influences your child's emotional well-being.

• Take pride in practicing self-care strategies that make you feel good and rejuvenated, allowing you to be the best version of yourself for your child.

• Celebrate the moments when you find peace and balance in your life, it sets a positive example for your child's self-care habits.

Connecting with Other Parents and Support Networks:

• Rejoice in the joy of finding a supportive network of fellow parents, where you can share experiences and find comfort in knowing you're not alone.

• Celebrate the benefits of seeking professional support when needed, it shows your dedication to being the best parent you can be.

Parenting is a beautiful journey filled with ups and downs, and by embracing the joy of supporting your child emotionally through their school years, you create a nurturing environment for them to flourish and grow into confident, resilient individuals.

        ‘As your child grows and changes, you too grow and change as a parent. Embrace it.’                                                                          

-Gail J Smith

How to motivate children to write

Teachers will work on teaching children the structures of writing. This does not have to be your job. However, there are some great ideas to stimulate your child to enjoy writing, These simple strategies can be applied at home and in an enjoyable way together. We want writing to simply flow from talking and reading.

Consider:

• Have fun making up sentences. For example. Start with: ‘Yesterday I learnt that……’ Let your child finish the sentence.

• Play the ‘And’ game.‘I opened my wardrobe and……’ ‘I walked to the park and….’

• Have an ideas book. Encourage them to write in it when they get an idea for a story. At the end of the week read out the ideas and have a chat together.

• Find a special writing space in your house. Make it creative with plenty of light and encourage children to use it when they get ideas for a story.

• Always have the writing materials available and ready to be used.

• Have fun in the car. ‘There I see a sad man on the corner. He looks…….’ Let them finish the sentence.

• When your child does write a story you can turn it into a book quite easily.

• Some children especially boys are more practical and like writing about real items. Suggest they write about their bike, ball games, sports activities, Lego sets etc. It does not have to be about fantasy all the time. Excellent writers can be practical writers who enjoy writing for a purpose.

• Encouraging drawing can lead to writing and this is helpful, especially for the reluctant young writer. Let them talk to you about their drawings and hear the story behind them.

• Be the model and write a lot. Keep all your lists available to be read. Together write messages that need to be remembered and used.

• Write a letter to someone together.

• When reading to your child invite them to make up a different ending to the story or perhaps change the beginning or introduce new characters. Read together and talk about the progress of the story.

• Message boards with notes to each other is a great visual tool to encourage writing.

• Encourage writing a journal. This can be their special words just for their eyes alone.

Finally, writing for many children takes time to evolve. Encourage them to write freely and without reserve. Accept their ideas and let them think through their sentences. The more they feel in control the less they rely on you and their ideas start to take shape. Here it is not about making or correcting their mistakes. No author would ever put punctuation and grammar ahead of good ideas. 

‘You can make anything by writing.’                                                                 -C.S.Lewis                 

Help your child improve their mental capacity

We can do many things to help our child improve their mental capacity. Some of them are very simple and are already in place. However, each day in different ways, we can keep building that capacity by challenging them across different formats.

• All children need adequate sleep. The rest they get will influence how they operate the next day. Teachers will tell you the difference it makes when a child comes to school having not slept well. Their learning capacity is considerably down and their mood and temperament makes them have quite a sluggish and dull day.

• Teach your child different ways to self-regulate. This is all about being self-disciplined and emotionally capable of controlling themselves. In the home, there are many ways in which your child can be disciplined and together work on their ability to manage themselves, show independence and take ownership of jobs and duties around the house. Your patience and tolerance are needed here.

• Play games with your child. Read with them and challenge each other through board games. All this is about building mental capacity and teaching them to work on problem-solving and healthy competition. Let them see that you enjoy problem-solving with them.

• Conversations at home should be open and as positive as possible. Give your child plenty of room to talk and tell their story. Be an effective listener so they feel that they are taken seriously. Having family discussions and debates stimulates their thinking and encourages healthy dialogue. Allow them to be confident in what they have to say.

• Challenge them through problem-solving of all sorts. This could be driving in the car and searching for addresses. It could be working through a recipe, fixing broken toys, building Lego shapes etc. When you see an opportunity for them to problem solve, invite them to have a go. Look to them for assistance in solving the problem. Let them know that you work through the solution together.

• When they ask questions throw the concept back with another question:‘You want to know why that lid doesn't open? Have you seen other jars like that before?’ It’s all about posing inquiring questions that make them think through solutions themselves. Let them accept that you will not always give them the answer.

• Laugh a lot and enjoy the jokes that you share with each other. Developing a sense of humour also enlightens the mental capacity to see the world from a different perspective. The world is not always black and white.

• Do crosswords together. Perhaps a jigsaw or have an ongoing game of Scrabble on the table. Keep them working on thinking through the process.

• When school problems arise, especially with friends, talk through possible solutions that can be managed by your child. Let them see that you expect them to have an idea of how best to solve it. Emotional challenges are sometimes difficult for children but mentally, they need to work through the process as best they can. The more they can regulate their emotional responses, the stronger their mental capacity.

• Teaching gratitude in your child is also a strengthening mental process. People that show and demonstrate gratitude have a stronger mental approach to life. 

Finally, there are many and varied ways to strengthen a child’s mental capacity. Just be the catalyst that presents challenges and doesn't always offer the solution. Value what contributions they make. After a while, the child takes more ownership of themselves and feels mentally safer and confident.

‘Be the catalyst to a healthy mental approach for your child.’

                                             -Gail J Smith

Can we control everything?

At this stage of the year, there are plans to be made and decisions settled on for the year, especially regarding school. The question I pose is, is it necessary to be in control of everything?

There is always a small control freak in all of us. If not fragrantly displayed, it’s hidden somewhere in the deep recesses of our mind which, on occasion, makes its appearance. The more we know and the more we control, the safer we often feel.

Your children are taking on a new leaf at school this year. They are going up a notch and teachers will expect them to take on more responsibility. Perhaps this is a time to let loose a little and not be so preoccupied with everything that happens around your child. They may start telling you a little less about their day. That’s OK!

Here are some sound reasons for controlling a little less and supporting a little more of your child’s sense of personal freedom:

• You certainly control your opinions but not always the external events that happen around your child. They are independent of you.

• Developing an honest understanding of what is really within our control makes for realistic thinking and reduces worry.

• The challenges put ahead of your child at school are their challenges and should, to a large degree, be managed by them. Of course, when issues are out of control, parental support may be necessary.

• The more we let them develop independent thought and self-manage their plans the more they slowly and steadily grow stronger. The cocoon is dying and the butterfly will arise with strength and beauty after its struggle to come through that dark cocoon.

• The research is clear. If a child takes ownership of their own life, they learn faster and develop independent thinking earlier and display more creative thought. They become less vulnerable to risk, are more resilient and feel happier in themselves. This builds healthy mental habits.

• If we take too much control, a child will no longer own the problem and pass it over to you. It becomes your problem. Time and time again I have seen this at school when a parent wants to solve their child’s problems.

• When you listen to your child talking about an issue, listen with interest and sincerity, but first, see it as their problem where you have some clear expectation that they will try to solve it. ‘I am sad to hear that Mark was mean to you at school. I am wondering how you will deal with that?’

• With each new year at school comes differing challenges. Reflect on how your child is choosing to manage them and quietly step back where possible.

• Think about your role as a parent. Do you have all the answers to your child’s needs? It is another generation with shifting expectations. You are there to listen and support, perhaps consult, but it is their world to own. It is their world to solve. Slightly different in expectations from yours.

• School holidays are over, but that does not mean that we take some of that relaxed summer feel into our new year plan. No need to suddenly over control or feel that without good management, everything will fall apart. The chaos theory is all about the fact that out of disorder comes order. So the challenge is to let loose a little more. Can the children pack their own lunches, be responsible for school notes etc? Try to find new areas in which it is all about your child taking a little more control over themselves.

From my observations at school, I always found that when parents reduced their worry and felt less accountable for their children, they relaxed and often enjoyed the experiences of their children more fully. They enjoyed the little things and would often find pleasure in just the ordinary experiences of the day. It was like a cloud was lifted. Let loose a little and see the joy in the simple day-to-day experiences with your child.

‘I learnt that when you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.’

                                                                                       -QuotesGram

Watch out for self doubting. It can creep in slowly and stealthily

Now that children are back at school and getting orientated around a new school year, keep an eye out for the creeping nature of self-doubting or more destructively known as self-downing. Children are very prone to make comparisons with other children. It is natural. What is a concern is when they begin to see themselves as less worthy or less capable. They can make strong connections between their self-worth and their performance.

From an early age, we need to build a sense of self-acceptance. This is separate from performance. It is all about building a strong self-image and yes that will come with some failures and lack of success from time to time. That’s touching on building resilience which should strengthen self-acceptance.

Consider:

• Be repetitive. Tell them often that they are worthwhile and outline what makes them unique.

• Notice that they start to recognise that they can’t be perfect at everything and affirm that concept.‘Well done. You know how capable you are and sometimes not everything goes your way. That’s normal.’

• Teach them by your own example, that making mistakes is natural. It has nothing to do with how worthwhile you are as a person. You still like and value who you are.

• Show them that we all have strengths and weaknesses. It’s part of life. Let them see that we can also learn from experiences where we are a little weak. That makes us stronger and feeds into our self-worth.

• I have heard of an activity where you set up a box and from time to time, write down qualities that you notice about your child. Some parents do this as a journal and at the end of each week, they talk about what the journal has to say. Children love hearing about themselves in such a way.

• Watch the language. Take care not to use downing words with your child. When they hear them, that is all they hear, even though you may have thought what you had to say was helpful. Downing words are powerful destroyers of rational thinking.

• When your child tells you that others have put them down, remind them that sticks and stones may break bones but they are fly-away words. Teach them to shut down when they hear such negative talk. Learning to shut down on such words reminds them that self-approval will not be interfered with by such talk. I am stronger than this!   

• Always keep in touch with your child’s teacher if your child is troubled by some downing at school. Teachers are very skilled at managing these issues which can become quite unsettling in classroom situations from time to time.

• Listen to the conversations they have about self-acceptance. For example, if they feel they are useless because they failed a test, put it into perspective.‘OK, so this test you were not successful in but given how determined and capable you are, you can move on from this test’.

Here you are separating their sense of being worthwhile from a simple test.

• When you spot examples of them talking about how they feel strong and competent, jump on it and reinforce the various aspects you notice that demonstrate their personal strength. Try not to use general words but rather be specific.‘You are so skilled in organising those games with your friends. So wonderful to be an organiser.”

In your day-to-day experiences, talk about how mistakes are natural. Just making a mistake is part of how we learn. It does not reflect who we are or suggest how vulnerable we are as people. At all times remind them that they are worthwhile and have much to offer the world. 

                  ‘The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.’

                                                                                       -Sylvia Plath

What about our so-called underachievers?

I have real concerns about the word ‘underachiever’, especially when referring to children. This implies there are children who can perform much better, but actually do not perform well. The name and hence label ‘underachiever’ puts a very damning perception on a child. It implies that they are just not up to the mark and will always be below the line.

In my experience as a school principal for 30 years, I have seen many children, who for a variety of reasons, underperform in some way. Yet over those same years, through sound support and shifting social and emotional growth, they no longer underperform. We all are evolving and morphing into well-rounded human beings. There will always be variations as we grow in how we perform.

If a child has a perception that they are an underperformer, they feel a sense of failure in many and varied ways. It totally saturates their sense of self-worth and their endeavours to do better are very poor. They have little motivation to change that perception.

Here are some reflections to help your child if they feel they are underachieving:

• Look at your own parental attitudes towards achievement. Take care not to demand unrealistic high performance. Are your expectations appropriate in light of your child’s anxiety in this area? Remember every child is different.

• If you have little interest in your child’s performance and general school work, they can’t see the point in trying too hard. Always show interest that demonstrates excitement in their work. It is easy to disengage when interest from parents is low.

• Be careful not to put your child down if they perform less than perfect. Always acknowledge their efforts, applaud the process and celebrate how far they have come. Affirming their performance only because it reaches your suitable expectations can lead a child to be very angry, frustrated and disheartened. They will feel despondent because they cannot reach such expectations all the time.

• Some children will underperform, as they do not want to be different from their peers. I have seen this quite a few times. Easier to be one of the gang, than to stand out with a good effort. In this case, discussions need to be had with the teacher to establish how socially active your child is and how they engage with others. This is more about self-esteem matters.

• If your child is underachieving, take little steps. Affirm their work along the way. If they write a story, affirm the stages they are at and compliment them on their efforts.

• Play games where they sometimes win and talk about the fun of having a go and succeeding. Simple games like snakes and ladders can build confidence in young children. Building blocks are a great tool for seeing success through the endeavour.

• If your child hates chores and says they are boring, simplify the chore. When they finish, have some fun and tell them how finishing the chore makes your life easier.

• Select small attainable goals at home. They will be less frustrated as quickly and feel that they want to finish it off. Sometimes doing the goal with them can be helpful as well.

• It can become a habit to underachieve. Find occasions at home to notice when they did complete tasks well. Talk about them and make a fuss about the success it showed.

• Use positive upbeat language. Not words that can easily put down your child. Words like:‘Wonderful effort’,‘Great show’, ‘Much appreciated’, ‘What an outstanding effort’ and‘Wow what a great job’. It’s all about getting them to hear positive thoughts about their achievements, no matter how inconsequential.

• Little positive notes around the house, in their bedroom and in lunchboxes, about how they did well to achieve certain things is a very effective visual way of letting them feel like an achiever. I used to put a little positive note in each child’s desk each night. This made such a difference to their motivation and drive.

We all have periods of underachieving. Our children will have shifting emotions that, from time to time, may lead them down that path. Just keep up the positive talk and minimise occasions where that sense of hopelessness and reduced drive can linger longer. We don’t want over-achievers; we want natural achievers. 

‘The achiever is the only individual who is truly alive.’

                                                                                          George Allen

Think about cultivating good habits

As a family, we are busy doing many things across the week. Some things are repetitive and some are simply done once or twice. We also practise certain rituals as a family. This may include being pedantic about having a meal together, watching a program together, attending family functions etc. Every family will set up routines and schedules that are very specific to them across the year.

This article is to invite us to reflect on cultivating good habits with our children. They could be simple habits or more complicated ones, but the message is all about conditioning your children to savour and value good habits that they take with them for life.

We can teach these good habits slowly and steadily over the years. They simply require repetition and your child needs to see how you value such habits that enrich your life. Once a child sees the value in the habit and learns to enjoy the experience, it will often stay with them as a useful tool for life.

Consider:

• Tell your child what you really enjoy. For example, do you enjoy planting your own vegetables? If so, teach them how and what you do. Give them exposure to that often and share the joy of sharing your own vegetables.

• If sport and fitness are important aspects of your life, your child will enjoy being part of that self-discipline and sharing in the exercise.

• Your passion and the demonstration of your passion will have an impact on your child. Use it wisely and often. Talk about it and celebrate what habits work for you.

• Remember you are a coach and your child may listen and decide that such a passion or habit does not suit them. Accept the results and be patient. It is amazing how much subliminal learning is held in store.

• How you work will be another example of developing life habits. Talk to your child about what drives your passion in your work and how you best like to work.

• A child will be more inclined to listen when they see how you enjoy something, but place no expectations on them to be or to do the same. Take care to be a model that enjoys what you do and is simply happy to share your knowledge and experience.

• If you have a habit that you value, be consistent with it, this gives it credibility and shows your determination. A child will remember this even though they may not immediately adopt the habit.

• When you have a good habit, remember that when your child adopts it, there will always be room for improvement and your child may wish to reshape the habit. Roll with the changes and let them see how you value their contributions.

• Routines are a great way to teach good habits. A routine is secure and a child knows that boundaries and limits give them a form of reassurance. This is very comforting for most children. Involve your child in setting routines. This way they own the process more and the likelihood of turning goals into lifelong habits is greater.

• Developing good habits is essential for our health. They give direction, reassurance and support better mental health. Achieving and managing lifestyle goals have a better chance when a child sees the regularity of good habits happening at an earlier age.

• Consider starting with very simple habits. Initially, children need to feel that setting up good habits is simple. It is all about developing an easy, enjoyable habit that can then become a life habit.

• Remember to reward along the way. We all need consistent encouragement as we progress. Also, keep the experience positive throughout the entire process of teaching and modelling good habits.

• Be realistic with your expectations. In developing good habits, everything has to be within reason and age-appropriate.

• Have your ground rules expressed with strength and with compassion. Ground rules that work for the whole family are also an excellent way of developing good habits. For example, how about the rule of being on time for the family meal?

• Being involved in your child’s life is a sure way of being a successful model demonstrating how good habits work for you. A child respects and values parents who are actively interested in them.

There are many examples of setting good examples such as demonstrating good manners, caring for elders, showing respect for others etc. The important factor is to be consistently living out those habits in your own life. The example is the key for the child.

All in all, let them have a voice and invite their thoughts and ideas of the family habits set up over the years. The more they feel they have a voice, the greater they will own good habits and build these for themselves their own story.

         ‘We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.’                   

         -Will Durant                                                                          

9 ideas to get the term off to a good start

Term two begins in school with a whole different feel. By now there is a general expectation that relationships have formed in the classroom and that children have a good understanding of where they sit with their teacher. Not to say that this is still a work in progress and children need to feel secure and valued over the school year. Sometimes, with more vulnerable children, that can take some time to develop.

1. Routines should be well set up at home. This should especially apply to before-school routines and homework patterns. Providing such an order does keep children busy and focused. This reduces small anxieties about school that can creep up, particularly in the morning.

2. Every now and then check in with your child that they are keeping in touch with their teacher. A measure of this is usually that they talk about them at home. If you have concerns, talk to your child and follow up with the teacher. They need to be kept in the loop.

3. Routines are well underway in a classroom. Children know the routines, the regular test patterns and the extras that are built into the day. Chat about how their day works. This shows interest and that you have up-to-date information.

4. The teacher will have set expectations of how the children should work by now. It is important that your child understands and is in the swing of following the routines of the school day. A chat at home is also helpful here.

5. Sometimes, with younger children, fatigue can set in and occasionally you may hear ‘I don’t want to go to school.’ Sometimes it comes in the form of stomach aches etc. Here it is important to be strong and keep up with regular school attendance. Research shows that more and more absences from school becomes a habit and has a significant impact on learning.

6. Try to keep up with parent nights, sports days etc. I know the year gets complicated but your continual, ongoing presence in their school life, keeps their optimism up for the year. It can wain once the weather gets colder and days darker.

7. As the winter sets in and the children seem less engaged, maybe this could be the time to throw in some treats or simply reduce duties etc. A little lighter period on everyone can ease the winter blues.

8. Keep up the important family rituals such as having meals together. Such regularity helps everyone feel consistently connected and necessary.

9. Bedtime rituals are important as the year rolls on. Children enjoy that time to often disclose concerns or simply feel connected in a special way to their parents.

Finally, the school year can be challenging for some children. It can also put undue strain on a family that is busy and has a range of expectations. As a parent, keeping the happy momentum is what it is all about. This may need some adjustment and maybe adaptation from time to time. It may also require that you check in with your own needs across the year. Your mental health has a direct impact on the well-being of your children.

         ‘One way to keep up the momentum going is to have constantly greater goals.’

 -Michael Korda

Be confident as a parent you have what it takes

By nature of being a parent, you come with many capabilities. It is easy to underestimate how skilled you are, but by nature of being an adult, you have already learnt many skills that can be translated into useful tips for your child. A parent who feels confident about their skills gives a strong message to their child and this feeds into successful parenting. Confidence breeds reassurance in others.

It is also natural to feel anxious about providing the best advice and council to your growing child. After all, the world they are entering has altered from your world and the skills they need have shifted from the demands and expectations placed on you whilst growing up.

Here are a few thoughts on feeling and growing confident in being the best parent possible:

• Never underestimate your child. Understand that they have special gifts that are unique to them and that we should focus on all that makes them special and unique. Consider that they may not understand you, but your task is to understand them and respect what it is that they want. This can be difficult, but to understand them better you need to understand their world. You have more confidence in supporting your child when you really feel you know them.

• Take care not to compare. Each child is an individual and thinks and processes quite differently. We need to understand how they think and what drives their world. The more we show respect and understand our child, the greater union between you and your child.

• The education of your child takes such a priority. Know what your child is learning. Be part of that journey. Show interest and be available when and if they need your support. Learning is a lifelong journey and it happens in many ways. Your child needs to see that you are open to learning yourself and enjoying their journey through their schooling years. Don’t be anxious about what you know and what you have to offer. You have much to offer!!!

• Know that learning more about parenting is what all parents can benefit from. Read books on parenting. Look up journal items etc. Gain information and be an ongoing learner in the field of parenting.

• Find creative ways to be family. Real learning comes from joint experiences. Rock climb together. Kayak as a family. Keep the adventure coming. Take a few risks together. This always strengthens the bonding and builds family confidence.

• An important and easy way to parent well is to set up stable routines. Here, I refer to meal times, chores, morning expectations etc. Routine gives you clear directions and everyone knows what the expectations are for all. Start early when the children are little.

• You know your child very well. Have faith in your gut and intuitive sense. Parents have a natural sense when it comes to intuitive matters. Rely on your good sense when talking and negotiating with your child. But be an effective listener!

• Be natural and accept your mistakes. Children respect you when you show your human face and act in an authentic way. Nothing is gained by false confidence or bravado. Show them it is OK to make a mistake and that you can grow and learn from making mistakes. You will be less anxious about making errors when you accept that making mistakes is a normal part of parenting.

• Being a strong, active presence in the life of your child is a powerful way to parent well. Never underestimate that such a presence presents confidence and reassurance with all its foibles and successes.

• You will see many models of parenting over the years. Some will come with outstanding qualifications and some will challenge you especially when your child says: ‘Mary’s parents let her go to the party!’

Don’t be put off by all the models of ‘would be’ great parenting. You are the parents. You are the rock and you have such sensitivity to your child, that can only be understood by the intimacy of being their parent. Despite the fact that you may not have all the answers, you are there for all the right reasons. Just ensure that you listen effectively and are prepared to appreciate other ways of seeing the world. With confidence, you are in the best position to deal with many and varied matters of childhood.

Over the years in my role as Principal, I saw many families crossing my door. It was always a joy to observe families who were closely bonded by the nature of who they were. These families enjoyed being part of their family where expectations were normal, understanding and tolerance strong and no undue pressure appeared to bother them. Family for them was a natural process, with all its foibles and successes. Being family shouldn’t be complicated and above all you, the parent have much to offer your fledglings.

         ‘Behind every young child who believes in himself is a parent who believed in him first.’

                                                                                           - Pinterest

Parent involvement reaps all the benefits

No doubt about it, when parents are actively involved and interested in their child’s learning, the child has an optimal chance of being successful at school.

When your child feels that their school life is connected to their home life and that parents enjoy and participate where possible, great expectations are the order of the day.

Here are some of the outcomes when parents show interest in their child’s schooling:

• A child will have a more positive attitude to their work when they know that parents are interested in what they are learning. This becomes a normal part of home life, talking about the activities and discussions held at school.

• Reading accelerates early when parents engage with them in reading at home. Keep books visible around the house and demonstrate to your child that reading is a natural family experience across the week.

• Parents interested in their child’s learning are always keen to be around at homework time. They understand that there are expectations set by the school and their support makes it easier for children to fall into the routine of doing homework.

• Interested parents are naturally encouraging their children in the whole learning process. Therefore, it’s no surprise that these children are developing an interest in learning and higher education.

• A parent involved in their child’s education also gains some joy from learning new ways and being part of the bigger life of the school. There is nothing more enriching than a school community in full swing.

• When school problems appear, engaged parents are quick to respond and given their insightfulness, problems can be solved more quickly and with less interference.

• Parents engaged with the school build a strong relationship with the teachers. This makes such a difference when issues occur. Teachers are more at ease with interested parents. They feel very comfortable talking to them.

• Talking about school regularly as a family builds a happy image of the paramount importance of school in the life of the child and family.

• A great way to support your child’s learning is to set an example by reading, writing and engaging in other learning activities. Children then see how you value the learning process for yourself.

• A parent is involved when they develop a communication style that invites questions, enjoys problem-solving and having open conversations. The more you show an inquisitive style to a conversation and invite alternative solutions to problems, the more you are teaching your child to think laterally and become a problem solver.

• Proudly boast your child’s school work by having pieces on display around the house. This shows your approval and praise of their work.

• Children who get support from parents do feel more competent at learning. Parent support gives them this boost. It also keeps their interest in attending school regularly.

• When parents show interest the child is happier and their morale is high. This affects their whole disposition to school. They are more inclined to be interested in engaging in more activities.

• Teaching children to value education and is solidified if parents are actively interested in their child’s learning.

Finally, enjoy the journey. You will learn so much from being an active participant in your child’s learning. Nothing is ever lost from exposure to learning and your child will feel more secure knowing that you are walking the path with them.

                          ‘If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.’

-Milton Berle

At what age should a child start at school?

This is always a serious question that parents ask and it does require some thought and primarily, an understanding of your child. I have seen many children start school far too early and this will bring some concerns that can have an impact on the child’s happiness level and sense of feeling connected and successful.

Here are some thoughts to get you thinking about the suitability of school for your child:

• If your child is age appropriate to go to school, generally this will give them the maturity to cope, especially with the prep year. Talk to your kinder teacher who would have an excellent understanding of their readiness.

• Keep in mind that whilst prep is all about getting familiar with the teacher and class, by the end of term one, teachers are working hard to get the children on the reading continuum. It would be fair to say that this can cause some concern for children who take longer. As the year progresses, there is marked acceleration with a prep class and the expectations will rise as the year progresses. Such acceleration is often driven by the excited preps who are doing well, converse easily and socialise well.

• Is your child developing language skills and some mathematical vocabulary? This is a positive sign when they comfortably can demonstrate such developing skills. Kindergarten focuses on number facts and language skills.

• As a family, are you ready for your child to start school? Think about support networks for the child. Is the home set up to enable the child to read at home and do school activities? At home is the child developing independent skills? Do they dress themselves, toilet properly and have some independent chores? The home and family settings should both show signs of readiness for school.

• Socially, your child should and will form friends over time. This can be an easy experience for some, but less mature children are often not ready to engage, converse and interact at a level that is of a faster pace.

• Remember that once your child starts school, the likelihood of repeating a year, if you believe that they need it, is strongly discouraged in schools. They will argue that it will interfere with their social world and give the child a sense of failure. Repeating a class has been done occasionally and in many cases, the child moves schools to make it more socially comfortable for them. It can be done successfully, but needs careful management and support from the school and parents.

• The prep year is a long year for your child. They will need to be prepared to be able to learn the routine, sustain a whole day of curriculum and keep up socially with the life of the school as it unfolds for them. Emotional regulation is important as many challenges appear across the school day.

• In prep, there is a high expectation from the teacher that you have a strong presence. They will invite you into various classroom activities and set expectations that you may help in the classroom. Once your child is at school, your world will change as you become an active participant in their learning and daily expectations.

• If your child is going to school in the new year, talk about the school, visit it with your child, drive past it regularly and chat about the exciting journey they will have. Which is excellent preparation work for their transition to school.

• Prep teachers are chosen with great care and consideration for the age of the children. You should feel very comfortable approaching your child’s prep teacher throughout the year. It is also important that your child sees you having a relationship with the teacher. This is all about building trust which is so important to your child.

Finally, a prep year starts with great excitement and anticipation of what lies ahead. Your child will mould themselves into the prep year. There will be some anxiety about making it successful. The best opportunities come when they are receptive to what is offered, are able to emotionally engage with the journey of friends and success and feel that they are in an environment that makes their parent’s happy. Your role in acceptance and participation in their prep year is critical for success. Their readiness for school will be linked to your preparedness to have your child at school.

         ‘Your education is a dress rehearsal for a life that is yours to lead.’

                                             -Nora Ephron

Using our language well

One of our greatest gifts is the power of speech. It starts from birth with simple sounds and some not so little. As we develop language, we listen and learn about what is said around us. Even intonations are often picked up from family connections and familiarity with people. Language can be used for good and sadly for evil. We teach our children how to use language from our own way of communicating and how we send messages to others.

When we use language effectively, there is so much more to gain and in its own right, it carries more power than blustering through conversations that are reliant on aggressive expression.

Let us think about how effective language can make a difference for your child:

• When you speak calmly and without raising your voice, people will listen with more sincerity. Louder more aggressive tones are often ignored or overrode by people who can become anxious with what is said.

• When you speak, stop and think. Just a little thought about what you have to say can make such a difference in the way you express yourself to others.

• When responding, keep a positive tone. Throw in a little affirmation and reassurance sometimes. ‘Thanks for the lunch. I really enjoyed my time with you.’

• Use words that are not harmful at all times. There are ways of expressing your displeasure, but be careful, using words that label will stick.

• Every now and again check your vocabulary. Can you increase it and find words that are more enriching when explaining situations to others?

• I have always said fewer words are better. This is true, especially if what you have to say is about something negative. Say it and move on. Repeating it does not give it extra merit.

• Children always look for reassurance in your words. Keep a mental check of how you are speaking to them and build positive thoughts about your children. Everyone loves to hear something nice about themselves.

• Remember the ‘I’ statements. ‘I am angry that you broke the vase. That was my favourite gift from my aunty’. When angry, an ‘I’ statement with a logical reason behind it is more effective than using poor language and just being angry.

• Play games like scrabble. They increase your vocabulary and teach your children the benefits of having a broad range of words as back up.

• Remember, when speaking, talk at a pace and a level of hearing that works for your child. Talking too fast may mean that they do not hear or listen to what you say. Choose a pace and volume that works.

• Do not use an aggressive voice when dealing with children. Hostility can be picked up from the voice and this can very easily intimidate and overwhelm your child.

• When your child speaks, become a good listener. Try not to interrupt. They need to express their thoughts in complete sentences and with time to reflect. Jumping in quickly undermines their voice.

• Practise expressing your words clearly. Avoid abbreviations and take your time saying what you need to say. Your child is learning from you, the art of speaking well.

• Monitor your body language when speaking. A lot can be said from poor body language.

• Try to focus when talking and not drift away onto other topics. Children will listen more if you talk about what is important and nothing more. Idol chatter is seldom heard.

• Speaking can use empathy and other essential emotions that are important in building relations with children. Use these motions wisely and not for manipulative purposes.

• Speaking well to children helps them shape their emotional development and builds relationships with others, A child who is spoken to with dignity and respect learns to like and value themselves.

• If children are surrounded by good language, their literacy skills improve immensely and their confidence in using good language grows. Such growth feeds into their self-esteem and the child feels able-bodied in independently talking about things that matter to them. A confident, well-spoken child is a joy to behold.

Finally, a parent who uses language as a skill that will give their child a better chance in life is a wise parent.

‘The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.’

-Ludwig Wittgenstein

Do you ever feel like you have hit rock bottom as a parent?

We all have those moments and sometimes they turn into hours!

In my work as a school principal, I was always noticing the major changes and adjustments that families made as time went on. Crisis can hit, but as time went on, circumstances shifted and new life came into what were very difficult situations.

Fear is often an issue with parents when they think about the worst-case scenario. They think about the dreaded, ‘What if’ factor. This can become quite a preoccupation. It can cloud common sense responses to situations and can limit a parent’s ability to open their minds to options.

Here are some ideas to keep you going and to remind you that being human, making mistakes, etc. is all part of parenting:

• Nothing is permanent. If you have a crisis or just hitting rock bottom, it will pass. Time has a way of shifting the ebbs and flows of life experiences. Everything has its season.

• Children keep changing and evolving. Their thoughts and ideas keep shifting and their needs and demands will change as we, the parents, change with them. Therefore, worrying unduly or overthinking about one issue is pointless. Sometimes preoccupying ourselves can mean the problem just disappears, without any of our interference.

• The problems children have are children’s problems, so I recommend putting things into perspective and worrying less. Children’s problems come and go and they often take charge of them themselves. Everything of course within reason.

• Your children will surprise you! When it comes, enjoy the challenge and try not to become anxious about its implications.

• If you are getting tired from just parenting, perhaps you are working at it too hard. Are you overthinking matters? Perhaps you are demanding too much control? Some of the best parenting I have seen came from relaxed and easy-going people who were quite happy to let things just be at times and not interfere too much with their children’s issues. Simply having a presence can at times be enough.

• Don’t forget to not lose yourself in parenting. Allow some time for yourself to develop who you are. The happier you are as a person in your own right, the better you will be as a parent. Think about exercising or doing some activity that gives you joy. Permit yourself to be a parent that makes room for yourself.

• If you are feeling overwhelmed, learn to reduce the pressure. Find ways to cut back on planned activities or slow down from adding to the list of things to do. Your child wants you as a happy parent, not a fatigued parent. Less is better when it all gets too much!

• Be honest with your child. If you are tired tell them. If you haven't the time to do what is requested, talk about it. Your child needs to learn and understand your limits. Be authentic with them and they will appreciate your honesty. This is how they learn empathy, compassion and tolerance. This is also about setting responsible boundaries that support your needs.

• If you are hitting a low point, seek out friends and companions that have a similar journey. A lot can be gained by having such a support group to call on. We all need to rely on others. Parenting has been around since the cavemen.

• Sometimes saying less when things get heated is the best way not to overcomplicate situations and tire yourself out. We often try to be available and solve situations on the run. Saying less and even silence at times creates some emotional respite which can be a calming time.

• If discipline is needed, are you the one to deal with it if you are not in the right space? Perhaps delay discipline if you are not able to deal with it at the time. You need to be well and in a good mental space to be disciplining children.

• Try not to be critical of yourself as a parent. You are doing the best you can. Don’t compare yourself to others. You can go into dangerous emotional spaces when you do this comparison. Your child loves and values you for who you are, warts and all so keep up with just loving your child and doing your best. By the way, I have never met a perfect parent!

 Finally play often with your child. The more you play, the less intense you are and that greater feeling of being connected to your child tends to wash away some of those feelings of it all being too much. Play is a wonderful healing agent. We all need to play from time to time.

         ‘Self care is turning some of the nurturing energy you give to your child, towards yourself.’

                                                                       -Kristi Yeh LMFT

Teach our children to be flexible and with this, determination

We live in a world that demands a flexible and open way of being and doing. The more obstinate and single minded we become, the more obstacles we have and the lack of interest people will show in our causes. This blog is a combination of thinking about flexibility and with it the importance of being determined.

Let’s teach our children that they can be flexible and when things don’t go their way, they can change direction, try another way and with determination, keep going. How many times do things go wrong and we are left with the question of what now? A determined mind and a disposition to be flexible and try a different way, shows stamina and invariably leads to success and most definitely more satisfaction.

Take for example a child who struggles to understand subtraction. Try as they might they just can’t understand how it works. In this case, if he decides to learn a different way or perhaps set up separate lessons with his teacher, he is showing determination and a flexible approach to solving subtraction. Here there is no defeat, but a stoic approach to getting on top of the problem. What great resilience to teach your child. What wonderful feelings of being successful a child will have.

 Consider:

• There will be times when a problem gets on top of you. Talk to your child about all the approaches you will try to solve the problem. Let them know that with flexibility and new way of thinking, the problem can be solved. There will be no walking away from the situation.

• Your child will need help from time to time. If it’s homework, avoid frustration and look for alternative ways to solve the issue. It may be a simple solution of just talking to the teacher. Either way, you let them know that it is important to get on top of the problem.

• When you see your child struggling with their toys, games etc, rather than putting them away making excuses like, ‘it’s too hard or you’re so tired’, try working on suggestions: ‘Let’s find another way to put that Lego together.’ ‘The jigsaw is tricky, let’s turn it around and start from the other end.’

Here we are saying that all is possible with new ideas and the belief that you can do it.

• How many times do we put things away to avoid increasing problems or disappointments? Show them that conquering the problem is the way to go using creativity and finding flexible tools. The reward is to complete the task which is so satisfying. Of course, everything within reason and a responsible parent knows when enough effort is enough.

Try to teach the principle.‘If we can’t do this, then we can have a go another way.’

Teach them that something tackled is worth finishing and that finding different ways around the problem is very satisfying.

• Children can often get disappointed because they discover that they are not good runners, or they are poor at spelling. This is where we move in by reminding them that you find other things that they are good at. Teachers are very capable of redirecting a child’s focus when they feel let down when they are not showing skill in a certain area. This is being determined to not be put down by failure, but redirecting one’s thinking to what makes you shine. It is also recognising that we cannot be perfect at everything.

• We all have losses and we all recognise that some things may not be obtainable but if we teach our children to be flexible and keep persevering, who knows where this life lesson goes? How many stories do we hear of brave acts such as sailing solo around the world with major disabilities?

A child who learns the value of perseverance and has an optimistic approach to solving problems in different ways is a fortunate child. They learn that having a go may mean failure but having another go, it might just work!

        ‘They can’t use up creativity. The more you use the more they have.’

                                                                           -Mayo Angelou

Do you have plans for a fresh start in the brand new year?

Why not? There are many who use this time of the year as a time to reflect on what new initiatives they would like to start. The warmth of Summer days and the feeling of rest and recuperation can easily put in a new zest to the new year. Perhaps you are thinking about setting up healthier routines, changing work patterns etc. All is possible if the desire is strong and the determination is solid.

Your child should be also considered in setting up healthier routines. Each year as they grow there are new challenges, they will also experience changing growth curves intellectually, emotionally, physically and socially. Building a stronger family around routine and working towards ongoing improvement is the key.

Consider:

• Have a family discussion about introducing some simple changes and improvements at home. This could be all about the kitchen or simply a discussion about what we can do to make our busy family life easier.

• Shaking off old habits can be difficult. Many of our habits are ingrained and will take some time to change. Try changing long term habits slowly. Don’t rush otherwise it is very comfortable and easy to slip back into old ways. Let your child know that you are slowly working to change a bad habit or simply to improve one.

• Some children find it helpful to write down their ideas for change. Talk to them about their plan but encourage them to start slowly. Affirm them when they show signs of some effort in making changes.

• There are many new experiences about to happen for your child in the new year. This may include a new teacher, new friends, different curriculum challenges, new buildings in which to become familiar. Talk about what they may need to change or perhaps adapt a new way of thinking for this new year. Encourage them to think about the fresh start that will need some adjustment. Perhaps they struggled with their classmates last year. What habits can they develop to start the school year well with friends?

• Be realistic when thinking about setting up new pathways for change. Start to become mindful of those habits that you want to change. Think about why they are comfortable and why they are causing you some concern? Reflect on those particular patterns you want to change with your child. Be inclusive and ensure that they are open to your ideas.

• When discussing with your child the possibility of change, don't forget to include all the positive experiences they had last year that made a difference. Perhaps it was a year when they learnt how to make new friends etc. Build the foundation that increases our strengths, working on habits to improve is a natural process.

• Children love to feel excited and anticipate all the good things that are ahead for them in the new year. Here is a chance to talk about the great adventures to come. For example, they may be looking forward to school camp. Talk about what is a positive habit to get ready for camp. It’s all about building that foundation that is strong and positive.

• Keep a simple list on the fridge of some positive changes that you want to make and, of course, your child can include their plan. This gives you a chance to chat about them from time to time. Younger children can colour in their plans, some may put their thoughts in a box and bring them out when a habit has changed.  Have some fun with it. You are basically encouraging positive change which helps them grow stronger in so many ways.

Finally, your child is listening and learning from you. They are in tune with how you think and what habits are important in your life. Giving them guidance around building new habits and reflecting on that change is healthy. It’s all about teaching them that growth. in many ways, comes from such change.

              ‘Successful people are simply those with successful habits’

                                                                                  -Brian Tracey

A few thoughts about what your child wants from school this year

School is such an immense part of a child’s life as well as having a major impact on the whole family. Of course we expect it to be a time that fulfils many objectives including stimulating a child’s imagination and developing a love for learning. We have high expectations when our child steps into the school and we trust that the environment will be a good fit for our child.

What make a child happy when at school? This is important as we now happy students are motivated students.

• They need and want to be an active participant in class. This gives them credibility and a feeling of inclusion.

• A busy school with plenty of activities excites and stimulates a child to become actively involved. Schools should not be docile places.

• Every child needs to feel appreciated, to regularly have affirmation and acknowledgement for their efforts. No one copes well without feeling that they are capable of success and that they are recognised for their efforts by others that they value.

• Regular success feeds the desire to keep learning. A school that focuses on success is a winner.

• A child needs to be in relationship with other children. Developing friendships is critical to a child. Their social world is such an important part of their emotional growth. In a school setting, a child can have a powerful journey in building relationships over the years.

Here are some basic thoughts to aid and abet your child getting the best from school this year:

•      Listen well to what they have to say

•      Be available which may mean adjusting your busy schedule.

•      Be a parent and not a friend which at times may take you in a different direction.

•      Let them take ownership as much as possible independence is key to better learning.

• Talk about school regularly and postively so that it comfortably intertwines with family life.

• Remember that it is their school and their journey, which means at times you may need to step back and let them work through issues themselves.

• Read everything that comes home from school and talk about all the activities available. Show as much interest as you can in what your child is doing at school.

Finally, for your child to be happy and get the best from the school you need to a be a parent that presents a happy face and shows great pride in all their endeavours.

Good luck family in starting the new school year!

          ‘It’s one of my favourite seasons of the year: back to school.’

                                                                                       -Dana Perino

9 Tips about how to help your child love learning

The whole learning process for our children can be considered without a doubt, a family affair. Research over many years tells us that the more parents are interested and show an inquiring attitude to their child’s learning, the more successful the learner. You are after all the child’s first teacher. From infancy through to young adulthood, your child will depend on you physically, emotionally and socially. Challenges will come their way but you still remain a primary source for their learning and developing a passion for learning.

On many levels, you set the stage for understanding the value and richness of learning. Sounds like a tall order, but your work is done slowly and steadily over the years. It is not an overnight job and the more you take it on as a serious part of your role, the more likely the child will be engaged in their learning from a younger age.

Here are some simple tips that help us along the way from infancy through to well…. Adulthood:

1. Establishing a daily routine is important. Build it into all the expectations of the day and understand what school requirements are to be considered in your plan. Setting up a routine includes providing a quiet spot for them to learn at home. Consider the background noise issues, lighting and of course interruptions like younger siblings.

2. Regular conversations about school each day can keep the dialogue going in a positive way about what was learnt, achieved or found interesting. Remember this is not about an inquisition into the school day, but a gentle interest in what the child learnt or did in their time. Sometimes you may get a response, sometimes that may not happen.

3. Set tasks for your child that are manageable and within reasons. You can help them set goals in doing jobs at home. Also help them balance their homework time, play time and reading time. Teach them that the more they plan and balance their time, the happier they will be. Point out that by being organised, they get the recreation and play time that they want and deserve.

4. A most important aid in helping your child become a true learner is the modelling you give them. By your example such as reading, writing or being active in a range of learning activities, the child sees that this is the way to go. When you play as a family be intuitive and choose activities, games etc. that have a learning component to them, but at the same time they are fun. Learning to link fun and joy is the best way forward for a child. Also be an inquirer. Teach your child that asking questions is important. Have various ways of seeking information through books internet, conversations etc.

5. Set high expectations for your child, but make them achievable. A child needs to feel inspirational, but not have unreal expectations placed on them. Be proud of their efforts and affirm how hard they try to achieve their goals. ‘I am so impressed with all the effort you put into learning about elephants. You must have got so much good information.’

6. Be aware of their special talents and praise their uniqueness in all sorts of ways. Every child has unique gifts. Spell them out often.

7. Be proud to show their work to other members of the family. Learning is about a celebration of knowledge and achievements in many forms. We demonstrate that all learning should be boldly acknowledged.

8. Encourage overall development. This can be through their physical efforts, intellectual efforts, artistic endeavours etc. Show your child that there are many ways of achieving success in learning and you recognise so many of them in your child.

9. Be a connector with the school. This shows your child that you value their learning space throughout the day. Connect to libraries, take your child to museums, places where creativity and adventure are alive. Keep an eye out for opportunities that introduce new concepts and open their minds in different ways. Show your child that you enjoy discovering new ways of seeing and understanding the world.

Finally, the learning process over the years is slow and steady. At times it will accelerate as different teachers and circumstances excite the imagination. Your role is to be the constant, everyday reminder that learning is an ongoing and life-giving experience. It is a growth that keeps developing all your life if the foundations teach you well. Be the ever-present learner in the life of your child.

                        ‘Once you stop learning you start dying.’

                                                                                -Albert Einstein

Choose your battles. That’s the best win.

Sometimes being right is not always the best outcome for the situation. Naturally, the feeling of being right can be overpowering and we feel compelled to set everything on the right curve. After all, if you know what’s right, you naturally want to do the right thing.

Actually, we need to think beyond that and realise that choosing your battles will actually empower you better, when working out issues with your children. Resistance comes fast and furious if you are the one with all the answers. Children learn to shut down, not listen and sometimes work in a rebellious way.

Knowing which battles to fight and which ones to leave is a powerful lesson.

 Consider:

• Is winning all the time teaching the child any lessons? Sometimes allowing them to decide even though mistakes are made is a great learning lesson. If your child thinks you are always right and have the answers, how will they ever learn themselves? Here the child becomes dependent on the parent and never seeks answers and solutions for themselves. This is a dangerous direction, leading to very poor self-esteem and I might add poor school performance.

• By demonstrating to your child that you don’t have all the answers and sometimes you let things go, teaches your child the very human face that you present to them. It is a wise parent that sometimes lets things go.

• Remember that some battles are quite insignificant. Consider whether or not it is important to win small victories. Often these are insignificant but can mount up if you are out to win all battles.

• Children learn the art of avoidance very quickly if they have dominant parents that seem to know everything. It is much easier for them not to discuss matters with you. Silence, when used, is a great trick or developed skill. Your child will feel happier not going into battle over matters that they know they will lose. This sets a dangerous precedence and your child will seek out their needs elsewhere.

• When a battle is brewing and you think it is important to bring up, go gently into active listening. Hear their concerns. Try to resolve the matter with some understanding of their needs. Negotiation is the best way forward and will lead to their confidence in approaching you again.

• Think across a day, a week, a month etc. and try not to go into battle too often. It is habit-forming. Try walking away, counting to ten, practise some deep breathing. Find strategies that will reduce your anger and invite more reflection on whether it was worth the battle.

• After you learn to be more intuitive with regard to what is worth the battle, you may find yourself relaxing more and not taking everything so seriously.

Finally, your relationship is not about the battles won but the battles that need to be avoided and the relationship that strengthens by less confrontation.

Some children will press your buttons more than others. Think about what is the driver in their behaviour that makes you so upset. Try to reflect on ways around that and it may be by counting to ten, breathing slowly or simply walking away. Quick reactions leading to control can only reduce your healthy relationship, so be alert to how your child interacts with you.

‘Choose your battles wisely because if you fight them all you’ll be too tired to win the really important ones’.

         -The MindsJournal.com

Tiredness can be a killer at times

This is just a brief reminder that tiredness can be an enemy in building relationships at times. When we are tired our capacity to think straight, our interest in doing things well and our ability to pay attention are down. When we are like this and more vulnerable, we are more inclined to damage and neglect relationships, which then leads to the need to recover and repair.

Teachers who are skilled in understanding their levels of tiredness choose to teach according to how they feel. I always remember coming to school one day with no voice! Not a sensible thing to do. The children then decided to have a silent day! Well, it worked, but in hindsight, I should have been at home resting. A teacher will redirect their planned work if they are not feeling up to the mark. This flexibility is a responsible way of managing your work and ensuring that your performance fits how you feel.

Consider:

• When you are tired, debating issues with your child can be a lose/ lose scenario. Delay such a plan. Nobody wants to go into damage control if possible.

• Being tired leaves you open to say things more loosely. It can also quicken your temper. Nobody wants to go into damage control while tired. Remember that things said take a while to unravel.

• Do you really listen to everything with clarity when you are tired? Take care not to agree to certain matters while tired. You could regret that later. Children can be very clever in choosing their time!

• Sometimes it is easier not to be too present with your child on that day when you are feeling tired. This is being proactive and avoiding conflictual situations. Are there others that can deal with the matter?

• Your child may not understand that tiredness affects your judgement. This is especially the case with younger children. Tell them that when tired, it is not the best time to discuss important matters. Tiredness limits how you can best help them.

• Sometimes our comprehension of situations can be dulled when tired. Try not to make important decisions with your child or final statements when not feeling ready.

• Do not be too hard on yourself if you feel that you just can’t deal with your child’s issue at that time. You are human and respect the fact that you want to give the best to your child. Being tired is not the best time.

‘I am feeling a little tired now. Can we discuss that matter later today?’

The more you let your child understand how you feel, the more likely they will be to approach you when ready. After all, they also want the best from the conversation and especially to be really heard. They learn quickly to choose the best time to satisfy their needs.

‘The worst thing about being tired is the negative twist of perception’

-Rosamond Rice

How to motivate your child to learn

This can be a challenge for some children who can lose motivation at school and find the whole exercise of school just too much. They can develop a flight or fight mentality to escape school or simply disengage, which is such a frustrating and helpless experience for the family to understand. Merely encouraging them or advising them about the advantages of school does not make a great deal of difference. In fact the more we talk about it, the more they can feel a failure in your eyes and further reject school.

Consider the following ideas to help motivate a child about school:

•      Develop at home an atmosphere where learning is seen as a good thing. Talk about how you learn and what you enjoy when you want to read a book etc. Keep reading alive at home as we know that being able to read is a key to being happy and successful at school. The process of learning to read helps keep the brain active in processing information and communication. A child who reads will have less problems being motivated at school. Reading excites the imagination and keeps the interest high in learning.

•      Encourage your child to be independent in their learning. Try not to put controls on them or limit what they must learn. We now know that children learn in all different ways and this creative process should be encouraged. Give them choices and affirm what they choose to learn. A motivated child will always want to follow their passions.

•      Keep the conversations going and keep them frequent. Make them positive and full of reassurance and confidence in their efforts. Listen to their opinions and applaud creative thinking. A child needs to feel that how they learn has value and that what they have to say is important. They may challenge you in the way they think but that is OK!

•      Notice the uniqueness of your child and home in on their interests. Sometimes their passions and interests last a short while, sometimes they last forever. Either way, your child needs to be supported in those interests and made to feel that their passions are powerful and valued. Help them to discover more about their passions. Perhaps if fishing is their interest go to the library together and collect books on fishing.

•      All children learn differently. Any teacher will tell you this. Don't be critical of their learning style. Allow them to discover their best way of learning. When we force their hand at changing how they learn, this can destroy a child’s confidence and they can begin to doubt their ability to learn.

•      Consider sharing games together. They are a great family activity but also reinforce that learning is a successful tool in playing games. A child works out that to be successful at the game they should try harder and understand more.

•      Remember that the process of learning is what is important. Reward and acknowledge the effort, not the outcome. Remember that a child looks for your approval and is more motivated by your acceptance of their efforts rather than how they were successful. If absolute success is your goal, a child will become anxious about rising to meet that challenge. This is where disengagement can happen.

•      Every child has strengths. It is easy for us to see our weaknesses and so important for a child to feel success through their strengths. Teachers are very good at picking up on this in class and will focus on a child’s strength to give them reassurance that they can easily learn. It also makes children less anxious about their weaknesses. This also teaches a child that failure is part of life and that we use it as a means to learn. Focusing on their weakness only shrouds them in a sense of failure and disengagement from school is not far away.

•      Be a learner yourself and use opportunities around you to engage your child in learning. This is about developing an inquiring mind. Learning is catchy and your child will see you as someone helping them to develop an inquiring mind and to be curious about all sorts of things.

•       Children can from time to time lose some motivation at school.

Remember they are children and may need time to simply rest a little from formal learning. Your teacher has an excellent knowledge on how your child learns and I would recommend you speak to them when motivation drops off.

 ‘There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly

                                                 -Buckskin Fuller