Teach your child to like themselves
One of the keys to success is helping children accept and like who they are. They need to believe they deserve kindness and good things in life. Gail Smith shares why it's essential for parents to teach their kids self-acceptance and self-worth.
One of the keys to success is to accept and like who you are. A child needs to believe that they deserve to be treated well and that they deserve good things in their life. They need to nurture the belief that they are as good as anyone else. It takes time for a child to mature into really recognizing their own value so start early as a a parent in teaching them their worth.
Here are five reasons why parents need to teach their children to like and accept themselves, along with examples of how they can do it:
1. Builds Confidence
When children learn to accept themselves, they become more confident in their abilities and decisions. For example, if a child feels unsure about their looks or talents, parents can remind them of their strengths and help them embrace their uniqueness. Complimenting their efforts, not just results, can help reinforce this.
2. Develops Emotional Resilience
Self-acceptance helps children cope better with challenges and failures. Parents can encourage this by framing mistakes as learning opportunities. For instance, if a child doesn’t win a competition, remind them it’s okay to fail sometimes and that they still have value regardless of the outcome.
3. Promotes Healthy Relationships
Children who accept themselves are more likely to build strong, positive relationships because they don’t rely on others for validation. Parents can encourage healthy relationships by teaching their children not to compare themselves to others and to value friends who respect them for who they are.
4. Reduces Anxiety and Stress
When children are comfortable with who they are, they feel less pressure to meet unrealistic expectations. Parents can help by reassuring their children that they don’t have to be perfect. For example, if a child is stressed about grades, parents can focus on the effort and improvement rather than demanding perfection.
5. Fosters Independence and Decision-Making
Self-accepting children trust themselves and their instincts, leading to better decision-making. Parents can nurture this by allowing children to make age-appropriate choices, like choosing their clothes or hobbies, while guiding them gently without taking control. This shows them that their opinions matter. By teaching self-acceptance, parents provide their children with the emotional tools they need to lead happier, more fulfilling lives.
As the parent show your child how your life reflects treating yourself with dignity and nurture. Your lifestyle and self-management will be watched carefully by your child.
“It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will makes them successful human beings.”
Parents can teach their children to make wiser choices.
As parents, you can teach your children to make wiser decisions. Follow these steps to guide them in learning how to pause, think, and consider the consequences of their actions, which will lead to wiser decision-making over time.
As your child matures they begin to develop reasoning and start to reflect on a deeper understanding of what life and decisions are all about. As a parent you can encourage behaviour that will lead to your child valuing wiser decisions.
Consider the following:
Encourage Thinking Ahead
Parent: “Before you make a decision, try to think about what might happen next. For example, if you choose to stay up late playing games, you might be too tired for school the next day. What do you think is the best choice?”
Lesson: Helps children develop foresight by considering the consequences of their actions.
Ask Questions, Don’t Just Give Answers
Parent: “What do you think will happen if you share your toy? How would you feel if someone did the same for you?”
Lesson: Teaches them to evaluate situations from different perspectives rather than just reacting impulsively.
Teach the Power of Pausing
Parent: “When you feel unsure or upset, it’s okay to pause for a moment before making a choice. Taking a deep breath can help you think more clearly.”
Lesson: Encourages emotional regulation and thoughtful decision-making, rather than acting on impulse.
Model Wise Decision-Making
Parent: “I was going to buy this thing, but then I realized we don’t really need it right now. I’ll wait until we save more money, and if we still want it then, I’ll get it.”
Lesson: Children learn from observing how their parents weigh options and make responsible choices.
Give Them Controlled Choices
Parent: “You can choose to do your homework now and have free time later, or you can play now and have less time for fun later. What do you think is the better choice?”
Lesson: Provides practice with decision-making and lets them experience the outcomes of their choices in a safe, controlled environment.
Discuss Past Decisions
Parent: “Remember when you didn’t wear a jacket last time and got cold? How will you choose differently today when it’s chilly?”
Lesson: Reflecting on past decisions helps children connect past experiences to better future choices.
Teach Problem-Solving Steps
Parent: “When you have to make a choice, try to follow these steps: 1) Identify the problem, 2) Think of possible solutions, 3) Consider what might happen with each solution, and 4) Make your choice.”
Lesson: Provides a framework for making informed decisions and builds confidence in their ability to think through problems.
Explain the Impact of Peer Pressure
Parent: “Sometimes friends might ask you to do something that doesn’t feel right. It’s okay to say no if you think it’s not a good choice for you.”
Lesson: Helps them understand the importance of staying true to their own values and making independent choices, even under pressure.
These examples help guide children in learning to pause, think, and consider the consequences of their actions, leading to wiser decision-making over time.
Teaching wisdom from an early age will lead your child to make and want decisions based on clear thinking and planned decision making. This will help them cope better with the rigours of adolescence, peer group pressure etc.
“Be a wise parent and teach your child the value of making wise decisions.”
Teaching children about the value of making good choices
It’s important to encourage our children to recognize the difference and to understand that their choices can shape their lives in profound ways. Who they become is a reflection of the decisions they make. Gail Smith emphasizes the importance of empowering children to make their own choices, highlighting the positive impact it can have on their growth and development.
We can all choose to make choices that can either hinder or enlighten our lives. For example you can choose to have a go or you can choose to not have a go. We should encourage our children to learn the difference and to understand that when we make those choices they can affect our life in different ways.
Who we are is a result of the choices we make.
Consider the following ideas about the impact on a child when they make their own choices:
Promotes Responsibility: When children learn that their choices have consequences, they develop a sense of accountability. They understand that choosing to work hard or make responsible decisions directly impacts their success and happiness.
Builds Self-Confidence: Allowing children to make choices reinforces their belief in their own abilities. Whether they succeed or fail, knowing that they had the power to choose builds confidence in their decision-making skills.
Fosters Independence: By making their own decisions, children learn to rely on themselves instead of always seeking approval or guidance from others. This fosters independence and helps them navigate life with more confidence.
Develops Critical Thinking: When children are taught to weigh the pros and cons of their choices, they develop critical thinking skills. They learn how to assess situations, predict outcomes, and make thoughtful decisions rather than impulsive ones.
Supports Emotional Growth: Understanding that they have control over their actions and thoughts (e.g. choosing to think positively) helps children manage their emotions. They learn that their choices can influence how they feel and respond to situations, which is key to emotional resilience.
These lessons empower children to shape their lives with intention and self-awareness. Don’t forget to affirm them when you see positive outcomes from choices they make themselves.
“The more a child experiences positive outcomes from making good choices, the more insight they develop about themselves.”
Be the parent and not the friend to your child - that’s what they need
Be your children's best friend or be their parent? While we naturally want to support and comfort our children, sometimes the best way to do that is by making clear, rational decisions—even when it means not always being their best friend. After all, being the best parent often means making tough choices for the well-being of your child.
We all want that close and connected relationship with our child. We sometimes think that being their close friend is the best way to show how much you love your child. Whilst all goes well it may seem a perfect situation but at some point you will need to be the parents as this may come with some stresses and strains on the relationship. Your child really looks for the parent in you and that comes with responsibility and accountability.
The following ideas are sound and compelling reasons why being the parent gives you the greatest chance to have a strong and healthy relationship where you can share friendship and joy in a balanced way. Parents need to be parents, not friends:
1. Boundaries Create Security and Structure for Children!
2. Children Need Guidance, Not Peer-Level Approval!
3. Discipline from a Parent Shapes Responsible Adults!
4. A Parent’s Authority Builds Respect and Trust!
5. Children Look to Parents for Leadership, Not Friendship!
6. Parenting with Authority Encourages Healthy Decision-Making!
We all want to be there for our children when they need us. This may require clear thinking and rational decision making. This does not always mean that you are their best friend but in fact their best parent.
“Your child needs the parent in you. Not the child.”
Keep yourself well and healthy as a parent
As parents, it's easy to focus solely on our children's well-being and overlook our own. However, maintaining our own mental and physical health is crucial for effective parenting. Gail Smith explains how prioritizing self-care enhances our ability to be the best parents we can be. Keep your well-being at the forefront to savor the joys of parenting.
We focus so much on our children that it is easy to forget the importance of our own well being as the parent. We owe it to ourselves to consider our well being as critical in being the best parent possible.
The more we feel well and mentally fit the greater capacity we have to parent our children well and be happy in the process.
Consider:
Emotional Availability: When parents take care of their mental and emotional health, they are better equipped to be emotionally available for their children. This means they can provide the support, empathy, and understanding that children need to feel secure and loved, fostering strong emotional bonds and a stable home environment.
Enhanced Patience and Resilience: Parenting can be challenging and demanding. Parents who maintain their well-being have greater patience and resilience, enabling them to handle stress, conflicts, and the inevitable ups and downs of parenting with a calm and composed demeanour. This helps in creating a peaceful and nurturing atmosphere at home.
Preventing Burnout: Parenting is a full-time job that can lead to burnout if self-care is neglected. Prioritising personal well-being helps parents recharge and avoid the physical and emotional exhaustion that can come from constantly putting others' needs before their own. This ensures they have the energy and enthusiasm to engage fully with their children.
Improved Problem-Solving and Decision-Making: A healthy mind and body contribute to better cognitive functioning. Parents who look after their well-being are more likely to make sound decisions and solve problems effectively, whether it's navigating everyday challenges or making important choices about their children's education, health, and future.
When we feel well and happy we tolerate more, see humour in life and enjoy and savour what is around. To get the best of being a parent, keep your well being at the forefront of your mind.
“A happy parent gives themselves a high priority.”
Give your child occasions to make choices
Children need occasions to make choices and grow to understand that in making choices we live with the consequences. Decision making can be taught as much as learnt on the run. For our children, teaching them that making their own decisions comes with the joy of owning the outcome and also learning from the outcome.
There are many times across a day when you need to make choices. Some may seem automatic such as getting up in the morning to more complex decisions such as buying your house, car etc.
Children need occasions to make choices and grow to understand that in making choices we live with the consequences. Decision making can be taught as much as learnt on the run. For our children, teaching them that making their own decisions comes with the joy of owning the outcome and also learning from the outcome.
As parents, especially when our children are more dependent on us, we tend to make decisions for them so that they are safe and do not experience too much discomfort. But beware too much reliance on parents to make decisions for the child leads to too much dependency and delayed development emotionally and often socially. Never underestimate how your child can make sound choices for themselves. At an early age, the child needs to see that you trust them in making their own decisions.
You will find that as early as prep, teachers are expecting children to make decisions based on what they know and what has to date been their experience. Teachers may give two choices or widen the horizon as the child grows more mature showing a readiness to make bigger decisions. They will falter, make mistakes and experience loss and disappointment but such feelings will make them stronger and more resilient as time goes on. They will simply learn from experience and this will drive their future thinking and choices.
Consider the following ideas to help build a child’s confidence in making their own decisions as they mature:
Encourage your child to make up their own mind. When they vacillate between ideas remind them that their final decision is valid, respected by you and is all about ‘Having a go.’ It is not your responsibility to fix their bad decisions. This must be worked through carefully with the child and they must own their responsibility to fixing problems.
Decision making is all about developing the skill of survival. Teachers will use opportunities to encourage decision making across their school day. It could be as simple as what group the child should join, and what project they will choose. Teachers will also affirm children for showing initiative in making decisions outside their comfort zone. This shows they are seeking and developing independent thought.
Be an opportunist with your child. There will be times in the day when you can stand back and invite your child to make choices.
‘Which of these recipes will we cook tonight?’
‘What program should we watch that includes everyone?’
Be a great model in making choices. Talk to your children about life choices you have made and choices that are critical to your life’s happiness. Explain how such choices have dictated some paths you have taken in life.
Of course, making choices may from time to time have consequences. Here you need to be sensitive and not override their confidence in making decisions. But of course, they will need to learn from their mistakes.
A great tool in helping children to make decisions is to have an inquiring mind as a parent. Ask them relevant questions such as:
‘Tell me why that choice is the best?’
‘Will you get many advantages from going in that direction?’
Above all as a parent you are gradually leading them to the light where they become confident, independent individuals who are comfortable making decisions for themselves and living with them.
‘The fact is that kids learn to make good decisions by making decisions not by following directions.’
-Alfie Kohn