Letting Go, Little by Little: The Power of Gradual Independence
Letting go isn’t easy, but little by little, it can be one of the most empowering things we do as parents. Building independence is a journey for both parent and child, helping grow confidence, resilience, and self-belief along the way. Read on to explore practical ways to encourage independence gradually with Gail Smith.
As parents, our natural instinct is to protect, guide, and sometimes even hover or else do the tasks for the child. But one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the confidence to step out on their own, bit by bit. Slow and steady wins the race both for the child and the anxious parent. It is a learning process for both the child and parent.
Gradual independence isn’t about throwing them in the deep end. It’s about teaching them to swim with you nearby, cheering them on. It’s a process that builds resilience, confidence, and problem-solving skills that last a lifetime. It teaches them how to learn effectively. Great process for building self esteem and strengthening mental health.
Why It Matters
Children need to feel capable. When we do everything for them, they may grow dependent—or worse, afraid to try. But when we coach rather than control, they learn to trust themselves. We also start to feel comfortable in letting go the reins. We need to understand that this is better parenting than keeping the controls all the time.
Practical Ways to Start
Here are some age-appropriate ways to encourage independence:
For young children (3–7):
Let them choose their outfit (even if it’s socks with sandals), help pack their lunch, or water the plants. Give praise for effort, not perfection. At an early age start giving them independent opportunities.
For tweens (8–12):
Let them manage their homework schedule, ride their bike to a friend’s house, or cook a simple meal. Let them try, then learn from mistakes in a safe space where there is only encouragement.
For teens (13+):
Involve them in decision-making, budgeting, planning outings, or solving their own friendship issues. Offer support, but resist jumping in too quickly. With social media work with them in deciding on what is suitable for them to view and use.
Real-Life Example
Ella, age 10, wanted to walk the dog alone. Her parents first walked behind her at a distance. The next week, she went solo but carried a phone. Today, she walks the dog confidently every morning. One small step, huge growth.
The Catch?
Yes, it can be messy. There may be forgotten lunchboxes, missed buses, or burnt toast. But those hiccups are how children learn and how parents learn to let go (just a little). Affirm all their efforts even if they are unsuccessful. They need to see that you value their efforts to be independent.
Final Word
Think of gradual independence as giving your child a toolkit. The earlier they learn to use it, the more prepared they’ll be when life really begins to test them. It will become more automatic for them overtime to work on problem issues themselves. There is nothing more satisfying than solving problems yourself!
So start small. Watch them grow. And remember, your goal isn’t to hold on forever. It’s to cheer them on as they fly. It is also a known fact, ask any teacher that a child learns faster and with confidence when they expect to do things for themselves. Dependent children become too reliant on others to give them solutions.
“In teaching me independence of thought, they have given me the greatest gift an adult can give to a child besides love and they had given me that also.”
Helping Your Child Find Balance in their busy life
Too many activities, too much pressure, and too little downtime can leave children overwhelmed. The good news? Balance can be taught. Home can be a space where your child learns to pause, play, and thrive. Read on to discover simple ways to bring more balance into your child’s life.
As parents, we want our children to thrive but sometimes, we accidentally give them too much. Too many clubs, too many lessons, too much screen time, or even too much pressure to “succeed.” The result? Stressed-out children who don’t know how to stop, breathe, or just be. In fact they can feel inadequate if they are not constantly in action. Classrooms are places where children learn how to balance the day between work and play.
But balance is something we can teach. Home life can be built around balance for a child.
Consider:
Spot the Imbalance
Start by observing your child’s week. Are they always rushing from one thing to the next? Is there time in their day for:
• Rest?
• Play (the unstructured, silly, no-goal kind)?
• Movement?
• Stillness?
• Time with you?
How about introducing a nothing day. Here your child can be creative, be still or enjoy not being accountable.
Teach the “Juggle” with Jars
Children are visual. Try this at home:
• Take three jars. Label them Work, Play, and Rest.
• Give your child 10 marbles (or buttons).
• Ask them to drop the marbles into the jars to show how they spent their day.
Most children will drop them all into “Work” (school, homework, chores) and “Play” (devices, sports). "Rest" is often forgotten.
Talk about it:
What could go into the "Rest" jar? Reading a quiet book? Drawing? Sitting in the garden? You’ll be surprised how much this simple activity gets them thinking and talking.
Model the Balance
Children copy what they see. If you never rest, they won’t think it’s allowed. If you always check your phone while talking to them, they learn to do the same.
Try this:
• Announce you're going for a 10-minute walk “to reset your brain.”
• Sit with a cup of tea and say, “I need a moment of quiet today.”
• Say “no” to something and explain why.
It doesn’t have to be perfect it just has to be real. Let them see how just being you is a comfortable space to live in.
Make “Bored” a Good Word
When your child says, “I’m bored,” don’t rush to fix it. Boredom is the starting block for being creative and problem-solving. Let them simply be bored for a while.
Example:
Jack (9) whined for half an hour that there was “nothing to do” one Sunday. His parents didn’t react. Ten minutes later, he’d turned the sofa into a pirate ship with a tea towel on his head.
Boredom worked. A child needs that kind of time to slow down their overthinking and just let it happen.
Balance Looks Different for Every Child
Some kids need quiet to recharge; others need movement. Some love a packed schedule; others melt under pressure. Every child is different and if you have more than one child I am sure you have noticed that already!
Ask regularly:
• “Are you enjoying what you’re doing?”
• “Is there something you’d like to do less of?”
• “Do you feel tired or happy at the end of the day?”
Make sure they are not trying to be overactive to simply prove how capable they are. You love them for just being them. This may mean that the pace is varied for different children in the family.
Balance is a Gift
Balance isn’t about getting everything right. It’s about giving our children the tools to check in with themselves, make choices, and build a life that works for them. It’s not just a childhood skill, it’s a life skill. When a child likes the balance in their life they can really savour different aspects of their world. For example, rest and recreation is as valuable as high level activity.