Watch out for the impostor syndrome that can creep up slowly
Impostor syndrome is commonly seen in adults and children. Here are a few parenting tips that can assist you to reduce your child’s feelings of insecurity.
Have you ever felt that you were just not worthy of rewards or that you felt that people had misjudged you or that you weren’t as capable as people thought. Perhaps somebody else should have your position? Beware, this is called the impostor syndrome. This is where we tend to believe that we are fooling others and rising above our status and capabilities. It can be one of those syndromes that can start early and I have seen, in some children, a lack of willingness to take awards, or put themselves first, because they thought others were more worthy. A child can start to develop stepping back approach to and not expecting to be chosen because of their feeling of unworthiness.
Let us consider how we can ensure that our children reduce their feelings of insecurity:
Always try to reinforce with them why they have succeeded. In this way you are being specific about their achievements. They are real and clearly being stated “Well done. You won that award because you can run so fast. It is a great skill of yours.”
Encourage your child to put their names forward for all types of events and opportunities. Explain that better to be in the race than not.
Talk about how you cope with feelings that others deserve it more than you. Perhaps you have had times when you were reluctant to put yourself forward. How did you handle it?
Having knowledge that you are capable and that there are good reasons why you should be chosen is a key to being on top of this problem.
Reinforce regularly to your children that we all have some fear about taking on new steps but that they are worthy and that they should feel proud of all their achievements.
Sometimes it’s worth just listing all the capabilities your child demonstrates. Sometimes seeing it gives a strong message of their sense of worth.
Talk to your child’s teacher and ask if there are any signs that your child is choosing to stand back from being chosen or is reluctant to put up their hands. Teachers are very good at bringing children into the scene and ensuring that their engagement in the class is full and healthy. The classroom is an especially important space for your child to feel strong and confident in themselves amongst their peers. So much of this impostor syndrome is about you feeling less worthy than others.
Try to avoid put downs to your child. These are sure fired ways of making them feel less worthy. Words stick and can be remembered for a long time.
Take care not to rush to negative talk when a situation develops. Here we are trying to encourage our children not to immediately focus on the negative. When a tricky situation occurs think about the positive first. Be drawn to thinking about good outcomes before honing in on the negative.
Finally, we all can suffer from being a little nervous but here we are trying to ensure that our children do not become conditioned to stepping back and feeling less worthy than others. A healthy dose of personal confidence and feeling of worthiness is what we seek for our children. It is a very healthy disposition to like yourself and feel achievable and worthy.
‘Love isn’t something you have to deserve.’
-Jennifer Echols
Keep an eye out for perfectionism
Here’s some parenting tips to encourage your child to believe in themselves and their successes.
Perfectionism is closely aligned to anxiety of various sorts. It can be triggered in many ways, but once it takes hold it can very destructive. It can become toxic. Children particularly can be affected by perfectionism. It may manifest itself when doing a test. It can be all about not completing work for fear of getting it wrong. It can also encourage procrastination where a child chooses not to make decisions. There are many irrational beliefs that a child can develop when perfectionism creeps in. I have noticed that first children can have reservations about completing tasks that are not good enough. Often, the second child was more relaxed, the first child showed reservations caught up with fear of making a mistake. Here it was about not letting anyone see their mistakes, the least of which was parents. Perfectionism holds you back from achieving your goals.
As parents, we can be partially responsible for our children having fears and doubts, as they do not want to disappoint us. This is very big in their mind, especially as they see how excited we are about their achievements. At a very early age, they see the excitement on the face of their parents when they are successful.
Consider:
When affirming your child, try to comment on their efforts not focusing too much on the outright success. The measuring of success can make a child anxious. Sometimes good is good enough.‘You got everything right just like the other day. How smart you are.’ This can set a precedence where the child has to keep up the performance. Nothing less that perfect is what is required!
Explain that nobody is perfect and it is all about the effort and outcomes that come from the drive.‘You certainly put all the effort into your work. Congratulations.’
When you talk about your child’s strengths, occasionally mention those areas that they are working on.‘I notice how great you are at helping with setting the table. Thank you. Sometimes help with the dishes is good also. Let me show you the best way to stack the dishwasher’. Here we say we are always working to improve and learn new skills.
Always state that you do not expect your child to be perfect. In fact perfection is a myth. It is important to articulate that to your child. Sometimes they simply need to hear it! Often! Remember perfectionism is all about earning approval.
Use the rating scale. It comes in handy. Ask your child occasionally what number out of ten do they give themselves for some activity. Talking about the number reminds everyone that life is a work in progress. It is all about continuous improvement.
Children love heroes. Talk about some of their idols such as sporting heroes and their struggles and determination to overcome being the perfect athlete etc. How do they manage being satisfied with their performance especially when they don’t win? How do they manage a lack of perfection? Where or how do they find contentment in their flaws?
Sometimes simply making one mistake can be catastrophic and take over a child’s belief that they are a complete failure. We could call this self abuse! This is of course a major problem for some children. From an early age focus not on the performance but the effort and passions that your child shows. Affirm their contributions and applaud their recognition of other children’s efforts. ‘Well done. You tried so hard and worked so long with that project. Such endurance. It is also pleasing to see that some children also showed great creativity in their work.’ Teaching them to share the glory strengthens empathy. It defuses the importance on the child as well.
Finally, children learn from an early age to compare themselves to others. Many external influences are out of your control. Your role is simply to remind them by word and deed that they are a special individual and that performance is not a measure of how successful they are as a person.
‘Perfectionism is the art of never being satisfied.’
-Unknown
Sibling matters really matter!
Sibling arguments can be challenging, here are some parenting strategies to ensure that navigation is as accurate and smooth as possible.
It is such a natural part of family life to have to deal with sibling issues. Children come in different shapes and sizes and their place in the family, age and temperament will determine how they respond to sibling matters. Do not be too surprised when there are fall outs and they say how they hate their brother or sister. The parent’s role is to negotiate their way through these times which will always be changing. The fact that family dynamics are constantly on the move as children grow and family circumstances shift, reminds us that we need not get too stressed when there is a sibling blow out! It is amazing how their feelings towards each other will vacillate according to shifting circumstances, mood, temperament and wellbeing. Don’t be surprised when the pendulum swings from one end to the other.
The parent’s role is to be the navigators through these situations. The following thoughts remind us not to worry too much, but to use some strategies to ensure that navigation is as accurate and smooth as possible:
When squabbles occur, remember to be an effective listener, but despite what you may think, do not take one side over the other.
Encourage them always to resolve matters themselves where possible. This is always the best option, but consider their age and capacity to work through the matter.
Try to be fair and just when discussing consequences. Make sure that the discipline given is understood and accepted by the child or children.
Keep in mind the age of your child. Younger children will not be able to comprehend the situation the same way as an older child can understand. Each child should be spoken to for age appropriateness and readiness to listen. This means that the nature of the discipline should fit their age.
Sometimes we worry far too much about their fights. Always check in with them as sometimes the dispute is already resolved and your involvement is not necessary.
On the positive side, having a sibling and learning to share, negotiate and sometimes compromise is a great way to learn life skills. So occasional fights and healthy resolutions can be a positive thing.
Remember it is your home and you set many of the rules. Sometimes they just have to go by the rules with no negotiation.
Being fair is so important as lack of fairness can build further resentment.
When talking about your children, avoid negative talk about one child in front of the other. This can be unsettling and misunderstood easily.
As a family, set up rules about how you deal with fights. Ensure fairness and listening to both sides is built into the plan.
Be aware that they see how you manage conflict with your partner, other children, family members etc. Your model is so important.
Always aim to problem solve. Invite both children to come up with ideas to resolve the matter and let them settle on a resolution where both needs are understood. Then check in later to see how it all went for both of them.
Remember that sibling relationships will include at times feelings of jealousy. Bickering is common and often they feel resentful. It is all about sharing affection and feeling that you have a fair share of family love. Try to give individual time to each child. It is amazing what you learn and your child feels happier being personally connected to you.
Pick the battles you think are necessary. Sometimes avoiding less significant issues means less conflict at home.
Always remain calm and steady when a conflict breaks out! Your emotional reaction can easily inflame a situation.
Try not to encourage competition between them. They are all different and celebrating differences is the key. Find time as a family to celebrate all their differences and make this a key feature of what you love about each of your children.
Being fair does mean that what they get does not always have to be equal. Teach them that there are different reasons for giving each child what they need. Remember siblings are the people you practise on in becoming a full human.
Plan family fun time together on a regular basis. This way, cooperation and happy moments together is valued in the family. When there is tension building with siblings, take them out for some exercise. Just breaking up those tense moments can defuse a situation. It’s all about being proactive and defusing potential conflict. Exercise is a great stress buster!
If you are giving some consequences to a child, don’t make it public. Embarrassment and feelings of being inferior in front of others can build long lasting resentment.
Finally, the fact that sibling issues occur across their family lifetime gives them the opportunity to grow in understanding important lessons in life such as forgiveness, tolerance, patience, empathy etc. Your strong presence in providing a climate where they feel they are dealt with fairly will fuel their emotional and social intelligence. This will help them forge strong effective relationships where they can live cooperatively with others.
‘Siblings: Your only enemy you can’t live without.’
Anonymous
Do you need to say everything? Is it best to leave some things unsaid?
As the saying goes, “some things are better left unsaid”. Here’s a few parenting tips that explains this topic in greater detail.
We are quick to jump in with responses and ideas about how to deal with all kinds of things. It is natural to have an answer, especially if you think you have all the good news to tell and the answers to give. Sometimes it’s harder to stop and just reflect on the scene. We should spend a little more time listening to what others have to say before we respond, but instead we sometimes jump in. Are we truly prepared to give the best response or to selfishly take the scene from others?
There is wisdom in slowing down and reflecting before jumping in to conversations with haste. This is also so important around your child. They know that you have much to say and will have opinions around many of the things they do. I invite you to consider slowing down rather than jumping in. Give them the right to reply first. Let them see that you don’t speak in haste.
Consider:
If you are quick to give answers, your child will learn quickly that their opinions are second rate and the possibility of them seriously engaging in opinions slows down. Give them space to respond and that way they know their opinions count.
Let them know that you are interested in how they respond. Give them a look to say that you are reflecting on what was said and would welcome their thoughts. You are giving them room to have an opinion.
Sometimes when we jump in quickly, we can respond in not the best way and feel disappointed with what we said. This can happen with our child and we soon regret how we spoke and what we said. A moment’s silence in gathering thoughts before responding can be so advantageous in not using damaging or careless words.
If your child sees that you stop and evaluate what it is you want to say, they learn that being reflective before speaking is a great tool. It enables you to speak with more care and consideration of the other person. Also it is very effective modelling as a parent.
When we respond to chatter are we doing it to emotionally feel connected, selfishly to feel that your opinion is strong or prematurely to feel part of the group? The more certain we are of ourselves, the less we need to prove in responding inappropriately or too quickly.
Show your child that you respond when ready, not rushed and when you have thought through what you want to say. The timing of words matter.
Point out to your child the people who are very reflective respondents to conversations. Let them learn that quickly coming up with a response can lead to things being said that are not appropriate or necessary.
It is an advantage to slow down responses so some things may not be said that could lead to further distress or simply are not necessary to say at all. Sometimes not having a lot to say can be a good thing. Better no harm than using careless words. Better less words with greater depth of meaning.
If you are a person who thinks through your responses carefully, your child will come to understand that what you have to say has much value. They will see you as a very sincere person, who says things only with meaning, purpose and when necessary. This teaches them that over chatter does not have the same impact or value as sincere words that have been thought through. Could it also imply that people who have a lot to say are given less credibility than people who speak with simplicity and only what is necessary to say?
Finally how often have we heard, ‘He is a man of few words but when he speaks we listen.’
‘Silence speaks when words can’t.’
- PinInterest
10 strategies to get the best from school as the year begins
Here's 10 tips on how to listen and encourage your child through the normal processes of the school year.
Now that your child has started school, think about what we control and what we don’t. There will be many challenges for your child in the classroom but they are their challenges and we simply listen and encourage them through the process.
You will have many pressures on you as the year progresses. You can start to say ‘no’ so that you scrutinise what you are doing. This will give more time identify what is important in the family and with your child. Start discerning what is really important so that you can unclutter your time.
Your child is back at school. Make everyday a learning day. Listen to what they tell you after school and enjoy all the new learning that comes their way. Be excited and interested in what new aspects of school life they have discovered.
When you talk to your child about school days, keep in mind that their world is to be owned by them. Be an active listener and not invasive in helping them solve their problems. Be a consultant and listen with interest.
Keep up healthy morning rituals to get the children up and running. A strong, consistent morning routine helps them stay focused and get to school with the least distraction. This is especially important for the more anxious child.
Don’t be angry in the mornings. Make them a happy, stable space for the child in getting ready for school. They need to go to school in a happy disposition. Otherwise, a child will only contemplate that angry feeling over the day, which will limit their opportunities.
Try to keep insignificant matters down to a minimum. There is much to absorb when school starts and the more insignificance we bring into our time, the less we focus on the important things. Keep things simple and uncomplicated.
Be careful not to dive into saying things that could be best left unsaid. You will hear much from your child when they come home each day. Listen and process the information. Pause and think before you have an opinion. They will pick up your judgement very quickly.
As the weeks and the year unfolds, you will learn much about the class, teachers, etc. you may change your opinion over time. Take care not to be too opinionated early in the year. Your child needs to make their own judgements and learn from that experience.
Concentrate on the present situation at school. Try not to worry about future issues that may occur. What is surprising, is the twist and turns that happen over a school year. Much is unpredictable and we cannot plan for it. Just enjoy the moments as your child finds their way through the first few weeks of school. Everything is a discovery.
When you hear some negative talk, try to give the school the benefit of the doubt. Schools work very hard to build strong foundations with parents and often what you hear may not be the truth. Your child needs to feel that you trust and have faith in their school. This gives them the reassurance they need every day. Let the school year be a growing time for your child with all the optimism and hope that it can possibly carry for the year.
‘Optimism isn’t a belief that things will automatically get better, it’s a conviction that we can make things better.’
-Melinda Gates
Do you have plans for a fresh start in the brand new year?
What would you like to improve this year? Here are some ways that you and your child could add healthy habits into your daily life.
Why not? There are many who use this time of the year as a time to reflect on what new initiatives they would like to start. The warmth of Summer days and the feeling of rest and recuperation can easily put in a new zest to the new year. Perhaps you are thinking about setting up healthier routines, changing work patterns etc. All is possible if the desire is strong and the determination is solid.
Your child should be also considered in setting up healthier routines. Each year as they grow there are new challenges, they will also experience changing growth curves intellectually, emotionally, physically and socially. Building a stronger family around routine and working towards ongoing improvement is the key.
Consider:
Have a family discussion about introducing some simple changes and improvements at home. This could be all about the kitchen or simply a discussion about what we can do to make our busy family life easier.
Shaking off old habits can be difficult. Many of our habits are ingrained and will take some time to change. Try changing long term habits slowly. Don’t rush otherwise it is very comfortable and easy to slip back into old ways. Let your child know that you are slowly working to change a bad habit or simply to improve one.
Some children find it helpful to write down their ideas for change. Talk to them about their plan but encourage them to start slowly. Affirm them when they show signs of some effort in making changes.
There are many new experiences about to happen for your child in the new year. This may include a new teacher, new friends, different curriculum challenges, new buildings in which to become familiar. Talk about what they may need to change or perhaps adapt a new way of thinking for this new year. Encourage them to think about the fresh start that will need some adjustment. Perhaps they struggled with their classmates last year. What habits can they develop to start the school year well with friends?
Be realistic when thinking about setting up new pathways for change. Start to become mindful of those habits that you want to change. Think about why they are comfortable and why they are causing you some concern? Reflect on those particular patterns you want to change with your child. Be inclusive and ensure that they are open to your ideas.
When discussing with your child the possibility of change, don't forget to include all the positive experiences they had last year that made a difference. Perhaps it was a year when they learnt how to make new friends etc. Build the foundation that increases our strengths, working on habits to improve is a natural process.
Children love to feel excited and anticipate all the good things that are ahead for them in the new year. Here is a chance to talk about the great adventures to come. For example, they may be looking forward to school camp. Talk about what is a positive habit to get ready for camp. It’s all about building that foundation that is strong and positive.
Keep a simple list on the fridge of some positive changes that you want to make and, of course, your child can include their plan. This gives you a chance to chat about them from time to time. Younger children can colour in their plans, some may put their thoughts in a box and bring them out when a habit has changed. Have some fun with it. You are basically encouraging positive change which helps them grow stronger in so many ways.
Finally, your child is listening and learning from you. They are in tune with how you think and what habits are important in your life. Giving them guidance around building new habits and reflecting on that change is healthy. It’s all about teaching them that growth. in many ways, comes from such change.
‘Successful people are simply those with successful habits’
-Brian Tracey
A few thoughts about what your child wants from school this year
The school year can be challenging. Here are some suggestions for parents to positively support their child throughout the school year.
School is such an immense part of a child’s life as well as having a major impact on the whole family. Of course we expect it to be a time that fulfils many objectives including stimulating a child’s imagination and developing a love for learning. We have high expectations when our child steps into the school and we trust that the environment will be a good fit for our child.
What make a child happy when at school? This is important as we now happy students are motivated students.
They need and want to be an active participant in class. This gives them credibility and a feeling of inclusion.
A busy school with plenty of activities excites and stimulates a child to become actively involved. Schools should not be docile places.
Every child needs to feel appreciated, to regularly have affirmation and acknowledgement for their efforts. No one copes well without feeling that they are capable of success and that they are recognised for their efforts by others that they value.
Regular success feeds the desire to keep learning. A school that focuses on success is a winner.
A child needs to be in relationship with other children. Developing friendships is critical to a child. Their social world is such an important part of their emotional growth. In a school setting, a child can have a powerful journey in building relationships over the years.
Here are some basic thoughts to aid and abet your child getting the best from school this year:
• Listen well to what they have to say
• Be available which may mean adjusting your busy schedule.
• Be a parent and not a friend which at times may take you in a different direction.
• Let them take ownership as much as possible independence is key to better learning.
Talk about school regularly and postively so that it comfortably intertwines with family life.
Remember that it is their school and their journey, which means at times you may need to step back and let them work through issues themselves.
Read everything that comes home from school and talk about all the activities available. Show as much interest as you can in what your child is doing at school.
Finally, for your child to be happy and get the best from the school you need to a be a parent that presents a happy face and shows great pride in all their endeavours.
Good luck family in starting the new school year!
‘It’s one of my favourite seasons of the year: back to school.’
-Dana Perino
Are you ready for your child becoming a teenager?
Raising a teenager can be difficult. Read some parenting tips on how to strengthen your relationship with your teenager.
Maybe you have already seen some signs in your 10, 11 or 12 year old. Signs of adolescents can gradually creep into your child’s changing behaviour slowly, or with an almighty thud! Either way its best to know and understand the signs so that you, now the proud parent of a teenager, can adjust. Believe me, adjusting is necessary for your continued growth as a parent.
As your child becomes a teenager, parents will be challenged and of course there will be some moments of grief, realising that you have lost the child that seemed so vulnerable and needy. In fact you may struggle to recognise what they have become and especially if their attitude turns brittle and defensive. Fear not they all come out the other end as caring, young adults, just like the butterfly from the cocoon. However, you play a part in this transformation. So your adjustment and change in living and empathetically working with your emerging teenager is so necessary.
Think back to when you became a teenager. Did you have challenges with your parents? How were they handled? What would have helped you through that time? Do you have fond memories of those adults that listened and understood you?
Consider:
Becoming a teenager means that they will be more sensitive about what you say to them and how you speak to them. They are gradually discovering who they are and need your understanding in cutting them some slack when they say and do things that seem unacceptable to you. They are also very conscious about their looks, their weight and how their peers see them. They will be in and out of feeling good about themselves. Your gentle encouragement here and acceptance of their change is really needed. I would say tolerance is especially needed.
They are at an age where they want to be making their own decisions. Guide them in this. Be a negotiator with gradual authority going over to them. Include them in family plans. Invite their opinion and listen to suggestions they make. They need to feel credible and valued. Affirm their thoughts and sometimes consider giving way to some things that are important to you. There will be mistakes, but this is a time of learning and discovery.
Now that they are a teenager they will want and need their own space. They need to feel freer and less exposed to all the family, especially younger siblings. If it is possible to find some more space for them this would be helpful. Now is a time to recognise that they are individuals who want some privacy.
When having family discussions, try to be more inclusive of their opinions. Let them see that you appreciate their opinions and their ideas are considered when planning. This may mean having conversations that are considered a bit more for an adult without younger siblings present. The more your adolescent feels that you are making allowances for their maturation, the happier will be your relationship.
Give them space and don’t be surprised if you notice changes in how they think, what they believe in and who they now want to befriend. It is a time for sorting out and taking on new values etc. Be a listener and gently affirm their actions of course within reason. Never compromise your values, but you are showing that you are a reasonable person that is happy to accept change within reason.
Understand that differences will be evident and they will naturally want to reject some of your much loved values and beliefs. Be patient and whilst you still need to maintain your own credibility, show tolerance for the differences they are now presenting.
Finally there is an expression:
‘The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’
In my experience the foundations you have set will be deeply entrenched overtime in your child. They may go through a period of rejection as they challenge what has been given to them. When they take on adulthood you may find your values repeated in their life. Maybe with a few modern twists thrown in.
‘Let go of preconceived notions and prejudices. Expect surprises; expect miracles.’
Michael Joseph
Start the year understanding ourselves better
Parenting is always about helping our children, we often forget ourselves. Here are some ways that you can better yourself and be a role model for your child.
Consider what is holding us back in many ways. If we are always focusing on helping our children, we also need to think about matters that we can turn around in our own life.
Sometimes we preoccupy ourselves with self doubt. We are quick to think its too hard, too difficult or not within our realm of capabilities. We have a tendency to inflate the threat in our mind and this can cause a shutdown of interest, in pushing further with the idea or activity. Show your child that we can manage self doubt by focusing on positive feelings about achievement. If your child sees how you push ahead with determination and avoid the negative feelings that make you doubt your ability, they will learn to be determined and start to develop a non defeatist mentality.
Beware perfectionism. It’s a killer when it comes to living comfortably around all sorts of things on a daily basis. It can make you feel vulnerable and never satisfied, anxious about not completing things. Even if you have this tendency, talk to your child about how it can make life difficult for you. Show them that perfectionism can bring you down and take care not to put too much pressure on them. Remind your child that they are good enough to do all sorts of things and they should take up opportunities where possible.
Remember that we have moments of feeling socially disengaged ourselves. Sometimes it is easier to stay disengaged and not put ourselves out there with others. Talk to your child if you have these feelings and tell them how you are working to solve them. Being socially engaged is critical for self development. Keep an eye on your child’s swings as your role is to motivate and encourage their social skills across many groups.
Remember we are not perfect individuals. As adults and parents we have all the usual fears and phobias that anyone can have across the years. The challenge for us is to be honest with our children and let them see that life is a work in progress. You are working on your own agendas and by inviting your child into learning about the strategies and tactics you use to help you, real understanding and teaching occurs. Your child loves you implicitly. They will be very sympathetic and will understand your journey better if you keep them in the loop. Rather than letting your child live around your own struggles and challenges, allow them in to see how you work on feeling better, getting better and setting goals. They are very sensitive to your emotional triggers and the more they understand about what presses your buttons, the more tolerant they are to the situation.
You will be surprised how their developing empathy and love can do a lot of good for all the family.
‘I don’t want my children to follow in my footsteps
I want them to take the path next to me and go further than
I could have ever dreamt possible.’
-Picture quotes.com
Is bullying an issue for your child?
Bullying is a serious issue. Here's a few parenting tips on how to keep focused of the issue of bullying.
Sadly, this is an area that we are dealing with across all schools. From time-to-time, schools develop great policies that seem to work to protect the victim and to change the behaviour of the offender. However, they can break down and once a child feels the pressure of repeated bullying, it can become quite a consuming and damaging part of their life. In many cases it is not forgotten.
Of course, there is the argument that we need to toughen our children to the real world. I would agree with this, except bullying has an incredibly damaging impact on a child’s wellbeing, which can be lasting and have major impact on a child’s sense of self-worth. A child’s school performance will drop quickly if they lose their sense of personal confidence.
Here are a few ideas to keep you focused on the issue of bullying:
When chatting with your child, listen to any statements being made about feeling less interested in school. Of course, there are obvious signs such as bruising etc. but sometimes a child wants to simply not attend school because of the passive aggressive pressure being placed on them. Gently ask questions to establish why they have lost interest in school.
If you suspect some bullying, take care not to be too direct in questioning. That can sometimes scare them off. Also, they fear that your interference can make it worse. This is a big issue with children not disclosing bullying, if they think their parents will intervene and overreact.
‘You seem unhappy with school now. I wonder what makes you feels so sad?’ Ask gentle, general questions.
A child needs to feel that when they tell you about it, you are really listening and not just treating it lightly. When a child is bullied, they need reassurance and faith that their parents will take it seriously.
Of course, overreacting and wanting to solve the problem by approaching the bully yourself is not the answer. If your child thinks that you will deal with it that way, they are more inclined not to tell you. Take care not to be the person who solves the problem on your own. That behaviour does not make for a better parent.
Listen carefully and get an accurate picture of what is happening. Let them talk about their feelings and ask them to be specific about the bullying.
· Who is doing it?
· What are they actually doing to your child?
· How often does it happen?
· When and how does your child deal with it now?
Sometimes children can be vague about the bullying because they are anxious and feel interference will make it worse. Go gently and gain accurate and specific information. Try not to put thoughts in their mind that their behaviour has caused this to happen. However, try to learn what aggravates this behaviour.
Discuss the actions to take with your child. Give them strategies but also go straight to the school initially deal with the teacher and discuss how it will be handled. A Principal will most often refer this back to the teacher who understands more about the dynamics of their class.
Your child needs to be aware of all the actions that needs to be taken and what the school expects of them. Read their school policy on bullying very carefully. It will contain expectations on the part of the one bullying and the victim.
Ongoing discussion with your child will ensure that they know you are concerned and that no one rests until the bullying has stopped. Keep in regular touch with the school to ensure that the action has gone away. If still unsatisfied, talk to the Principal.
Discuss with your child how they are feeling and have they learnt any strategies to deal with such issues in the future. Whilst we all have strong feelings about consequences for the one bullying, we want our child to learn how to prevent further bullying occurring.
Keep in touch with the school to be satisfied that the issue of bullying is still being addressed. Bullying can transform itself in various ways and creep back without ongoing maintenance from the school and parents.
A child has a fundamental right to feel safe and to be treated fairly and respectfully. Schools and parents need to work together to ensure that emotional, intellectual, social and physical safety is a given at their school.
‘If children feel safe, they can take risks, ask questions, make mistakes, learn to trust and share their feelings and grow.’
-Alfie Kohn
Dealing with a child’s fears
Here are some parenting suggestions to help children work through and potentially overcome their fears.
Fears can come at any time. They can be mild-mannered or driven by some former experience that left them fearful. Fears can also be linked to low self-esteem, where a child feels more prone to be vulnerable. Sometimes a child can outgrow them. Sometimes fears can linger longer if not effectively dealt with at the time.
It is natural for a child to have some fears. As a human race, fears were part of prehistoric man to help us work out survival tactics. With a child, we need early identification and working with the child in understanding its source and finding strategies to deal with it.
We understand that fears can come at any surprising and unexpected time and be triggered in different ways. The following thoughts are to help our child understand and deal with fear:
When you see your child upset and showing signs of being frightened, respect that it is real for your child. Never underestimate the fear and underplay its importance. They need to feel sure that you believe them.
Ask them to describe their fear, if possible in detail, hopefully they can tell you how they feel and when and how it manifests itself. Talk about a strategy to try to reduce the fear. Brainstorm some ideas together. For example, if it’s fear of the dark, talk together about options such as using a soft bedroom light etc. Working it through together is important and reassuring for the child. Here you show them they are not alone with their fear.
After deciding together on a strategy, trial it and later come back to the child to see how it went. Be prepared to keep visiting the fear if still not under control. Every attempt is trial and error.
Let them express all their feelings when talking about their fear. The more they are heard and the more they talk about it, some reduction of the fear can occur.
Children feel safe with routine and familiar settings. Try to bring them into the solution when finding ways forward. Working through the fear is not a time to introduce new stimuli.
Talk about some strategies you use to help with fear. Discuss taking deep breaths, talking to friends, listening to music etc. Can they suggest some strategies that will make them feel more secure?
Applaud their own efforts in getting on top of the fear. The more they learn to develop their own techniques, the better and often quicker, a satisfactory outcome. There is nothing more healing than doing it yourself!
There are some wonderful books on dealing with fears. Check with your library or school.
The more you talk openly about how natural it is to sometimes have fears, the more it seems as part of life and less mystifying and isolating.
Never forget the value of your teacher. They may have some suggestions and even follow-through activities to do at school to support the concern.
Finally, as your child grows, their emotional growth becomes stronger. They begin to reason and rationalise in ways that can help them work through fears or at least understand them better. Your support over the years in listening, being empathetic and respecting their fears will give them the courage and fortitude to be in control when fearful obstacles potentially come their way.
‘Thinking will not overcome fear but action will.’
W. Clement Stone
Learn to have some fun
Laughter and fun are the key ingredients for a happy, healthy life. Read more for some ways you and your child can have fun!
There is not a lot written about the value of being happy but we know that there are some wonderful psychological advantages to just having fun. Here I make the distinction to humour. Within fun we can have a lot of humour. It is present when we become excited or find something that makes us feel good.
Teachers know that when an element of spontaneous fun is included in their day or week, the mood and temper of the children increases tenfold. Many teachers would also say that the presence of fun builds trust with children. A child feels secure when they see their teacher relax and display a happy spontaneous style in the classroom. There is something honest and healthy about simply having some fun.
Let’s think about the value of having fun with your child:
When you have fun together, you show your child that there is a child in you, the adult. Bringing back the child in you is a positive life-giving thing.
We are always trying to be in control. It is a massive driver for us as responsible parents. How about letting go sometimes and simply have some spontaneous unplanned fun with your child. It could last five minutes or much longer. It does not make you a less reliable, organised person, but it shows your child that having fun is alive in you.
By having fun together you are bringing yourself to the same level as your child. This is quite a moment for both of you to share.
Children will remember the fun times. Nobody wants to remember the serious times. They simply bring you down. However, being a fun-loving parent is memorable.
To be an effective adult, one must also understand the lighter side of being human. We need to have fun as well and we need to show our children how we enjoy it. It is a well-being component built into our DNA.
Fun can be any form of having a wonderful time together. Let it be spontaneous, which may take you away from routine and schedules sometimes. It can be a short sharp moment of fun. If you look around it is not hard to see the fun side of so much of life. Point it out to your child.
We often talk about how important it is to play with your child. Similarly, it is important for developing good mental health that you simply have fun. It can only bring out the best in you and there are no boundaries there with your child. It can serve as a quick pick me up when moodiness is around and it can lighten the spirit when feelings of sadness are prevailing around our children.
Try to build in a bit of fun over the week. It could be as simple as tickling on the couch, throwing pillars around the room or blowing bubbles through your drink. No one said it has to be sensible.
‘Let go of preconceived notions and prejudices. Expect surprises. Expect miracles’
-Michael Joseph
Are you prepared to change your opinions?
An open-minded parent is so liberating for a child, especially when the world is always changing. This article explains the importance of opinions and how changing them can be for good reason.
Are you prepared to change your opinions? We all have our way of doing and thinking. We all develop opinions and have preferences and dare I say it, biases. It’s natural. It's all part of building your own way of being. How often do we meet people and have an instant belief of who and what they are? Do we along the track learn that we are always right?
Are we sometimes challenged about our opinions and when do we demonstrate an open approach to learning and changing perspectives?
These thoughts are inviting us to reflect on how opinionated we are around our children. No mistaking it, they know what we feel and what we think is acceptable etc. They know our biases and recognise our preconceptions. So what, I hear you say, isn’t that about giving them our values and what is good and wholesome about us?
Take care because we can be incidentally teaching them about certainty, mistrust and a sense of arrogance in being right.
The following thoughts help us to be a little more open in our ideas, where we can see the value of questioning and humility at learning something new. It teaches we are open to rethinking and reevaluating our much loved beliefs.
Try to develop an inquiring attitude to life. Rather than making bold statements about what you believe to be right, introduce questioning. ‘I wonder what is making people angry to be in that protest. Let’s look at the concern they have.” Here you have room to discuss and also put your opinions in a safe place.
Listen to the strange and wonderful things that your child comes home with from school. Don’t be shocked, but rather invite conversation about what is on their mind. You can learn much from what is said and what is not said!
When you see something controversial on the media, feel free to talk about it and show interest in the various positions held by different people. Here you show your child that you are not a closed book when it comes to holding a position. You welcome conversation, you hold a position but you are prepared to listen to others.
We all think we are wise about matters. After all, we have age and experience behind us. However, we are often not as wise as we think we are, but we can be very wise if we are prepared to occasionally reflect on new thoughts and change your understandings. This is a powerful lesson to children. If we are prepared to reflect and occasionally change our opinions, we teach them about open mindedness and flexibility. It shows compassion and lack of arrogance.
Talk about people that you admire who have learnt and changed opinions. Talk about the courage it took to make such a fundamental change to their thinking and perhaps living experience.
By all means tell your child that for a range of reasons you have certain opinions that you believe are true and that you hold dearly. A child will know what those are generally. However, show them that you a listener and always open to hear the other point of view. Nothing is permanent. Life is always on the move. Circumstances change and society shifts with laws and opinions. You want your child to see all the variants and to keep healthy questioning going.
Our prejudices are a liability. A child will soon learn that our opinions can be locked in time and may have no real place in current society. That is definitely not the case if they see how you are always questioning and that you are prepared to take on new information. They will respect your opinions if they know they come out of thought provoking questioning and probing.
‘Am I right here?’
‘Could I be wrong?’
‘What new information do I need to know?’
‘Is there more information that I have not read?’
This questioning implies that you are open to learn new information to inform your opinions. Perhaps you don’t have all the answers, but ongoing questioning can either further inform your opinions or change them.
For a child there is nothing more liberating than an open minded parent. They need such a refreshing environment when growing through so much change in their life.
‘Try being informed rather than opinionated.’
-Anonymous
Getting back on track after a damage to the relationship with your child
Here are some parenting tips for getting back on track after damage to the relationship with your child.
We all go through cycles, from being strong and happy in our relationship, to needing some damage control. Given our human frailty, we often make mistakes. We can become tired and less able-bodied in giving the right response at the right time. Our children are also human and may react in ways that we find unusual or confusing. This can be driven by fatigue, anxiety, misunderstanding etc. Our human condition reminds us that being in a perfect relationship is not the case all the time.
What we need to develop are some skills that help us recover from the damage and move on quickly. The last thing we want is prolonged silences or continued poor behaviour which can escalate quickly.
Consider:
We cannot always be prepared but keep the value of silence up your sleeve. In other words, when an incident happens and your readiness to respond is not there, try walking away, delaying the conversation. Quick unprepared responses can create more damage. Silence does not add to the problem. Of course, prolonged silences do.
If an incident has occurred have some suitable words ready.
‘I can see that you are not happy by your behaviours, we need to sit down and talk about it.’
Best to do this than to react to the poor behaviour
When in discussion about the breakdown, be in a calm space. If you are agitated the child will pick up the vibes and be more resistant.
Have the discussion at a time that suits you and in an environment without noise and interruption from other family members. It does not take much to unsettle such situations.
For a very young child, it is more about a tantrum, speak softly and approach it using words that are gentle and do not sound too intimidating.
If after the discussion there are some consequences, try to involve your child in making a decision about how those consequences should be. Make it a negotiation.
Timing is everything. Teachers are very skilled in choosing their time to talk to children when damage has occurred, sometimes the wait makes for a better result.
Remember that when a breakdown occurs, both yourself and your child feel poorly. Never underestimate that even though they appear angry, they are feeling the loss and trust of the relationship which they need.
After there is reparation, keep the mood positive and make sure that you have moved on. Carrying residual anger or disappointment can only further damage the relationship and delay healing.
Finally, keep in mind that no matter how sad or disappointed you feel about the breakdown, you are dealing with a child’s problem. Keep things into perspective so that life goes on, both you and your child are happy and peace in your relationship continues.
‘The wound is not my fault. But the healing is my responsibility.’
-Marianne Williamson
Slow down and gain more time. It makes for better parenting and personal growth
Life is always busy, especially during the Christmas and holiday season. This blog shares a reminder to parents to slow down and spend time with your child.
There are so many varied reasons why slowing down is almost impossible when living a busy life as a parent etc. However, should you learn some skills to slow down, who knows, you may regain some precious parent or personal time. In small ways, it may be possible to reclaim some time and to enjoy your child just a little bit more. Childhood moves quickly and soon we will be looking back and wondering where did the years go, did I parent well? What did I miss?
The following thoughts may trigger some thinking for yourself in finding strategies that can simply help slow you down a little to smell the roses with your child:
When feeling stressed, take your mind to a place where you were very happy. Think about it for a while and you will be surprised how it eases some tension.
Think about the pace that you keep. If others demand more of you, consider if that it’s fair and reasonable. Why should I change my pace which works for me? Everything has their pace in life. Be comfortable with yours.
Take little moments of time out. Step into the yard, look at the flowers or simply enjoy the breeze. Those moments are great to reduce moments of stress.
Try not to over plan. Leave some space, just for space itself. It certainly is easy to fill, but question is that really necessary?
Your children are a great source of learning for you. The more you play with them, the more you become relaxed in their company. Allow it to just happen and enjoy the moment.
Physical exercise is such a stress breaker. Even simply walking is life giving and takes your mind in fresher and healthier directions. Choose physical exercise that suits you.
When we worry about something it can consume us. Let me ask you….. can you just let it go? Does worrying improve the situation? Do things change for the better when you worry? When you have those feelings simply look to your child. They are a warm, happy feeling.
Are there some times when you can just stop the business and rest. Turn down the lights a little and reduce the pace. It can feel better because there is less.
Some people like being busy with their hands and finding creative things to do. Giving time to chat with friends is a great stress buster. What do you like to do that makes you happy?
Is it possible to give your self a full day off? How about half a day? Find a little more time for yourself not to do busy things but to enjoy yourself in your own space.
Sometimes doing less and focusing on doing those things really well gives us more satisfaction. Being busy and doing more is a formula for lack of satisfaction in all areas.
Are you tired from lots of talk? Busy conversations can be tiring and it is healthy to rest from talking. Maybe you can find some time to talk less, listen to music, walk etc.
Think about two or three things that give you pleasure. Can you spend more time around those things. Be generous to yourself. Everyone likes a massage, but we can massage our sense of well being by having more of what makes us happy.
Parents develop excellent skills in feeling guilty if they put themselves forward. This can be so destructive to well being, which after all, needs to be strong and constant to be an effective parent. Your personal well being is essential.
Finally, your child wants you well and happy. They become quite anxious when they see you unsettled and under pressure. They need to understand that your needs should be nurtured and that being a parent is balancing act between focusing on family and looking after yourself. That way everyone learns and benefits all round.
‘The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.’
-William James
What to think about at this stage of the school year
This school year is coming to an end. Here are some parenting suggestions to prepare and positively embrace change with your child.
Everyone is starting to feel the weariness of a long school year. The talk is out and about that the school year is coming to an end and what surprises will this bring to the school? There is a growing sense of anticipation about finishing and also this brings anxious thoughts about change and what will it mean to me.
Perhaps you the parent have had some unsettling moments at the school this year and you feel in yourself the desire to bring it all to a close, which is natural.. For a child, this is a time to think about what they want to hang onto and what they want to let go. Mixed messages and emotions can run high.
The following thoughts may help you plan a little better with your child in getting ready for the school closure:
Remember that a child will become anxious about losing friends to another class. This is an excellent opportunity to talk to them about establishing new networks and building on current friendships.
Teachers will plan the classes based on many factors, but I always have faith in their mature ability to put the best in place. This may cause some emotional challenges for your child, but try to let the school make these decisions as attempting to influence who your child associates with are thwart with problems. Growth happens often with the child meeting new friends and learning new ways to communicate.
Talk about change as a positive thing and as a family, talk about all the positive experiences that come from change. I was always fascinated when new children started at the school throughout the year. In most cases they not only found friends quickly, but actually blossomed under new structures and rules. Our children are more flexible than sometimes we give them credit.
Teachers will discuss and ask your child who they would like to be placed with in the new year. This is a great conversation to have at home. A great way to talk about how change can be exciting at a social level. It also touches on who they think is the best person that helps them keep focussed. This may not always be their best friend.
If your child is starting to get anxious about the change, have a chat with their teacher. They do great work in this area to help children adjust to change.
If your teacher has had strong bonds with their teacher, letting them go can be hard. However, talk about that teacher’s strengths and what you look forward to in the next teacher. Positive talk is the key here.
Saying goodbyes well is an important art to teach our children. Discuss how your child will say goodbye for the year and how they will express themselves when they say goodbye. This is a great chance to talk about manners and to reflect on all the generous support given to your child over the year. Let them create positive and effective ways to say goodbye and thank you. There will be many small occasions to think about where someone helped your child during the year.
As it is a time for closure, ask your child to be responsible and bring home all that is necessary. Let them be responsible for keeping you in the loop about school events etc. Their ownership here is so important.
Try not to have days where school is skipped because everything is winding down and not being in attendance doesn’t matter. Bring the school year to a glorious closure, where your child’s attendance is seen as important and a statement about the total value of school. This teaches your child about the responsibility of regularity.
Above all, enjoy the closing weeks of school and together, as a family, discuss and celebrate all the highs and lows that are a natural part of school life. Maybe there are some reflections on things that your child will change in the new year? This leads to great discussions about self-improvement, setting goals etc. Whilst they are important, so too is the approaching feeling of warm, summer days and rest for all the family.
‘Don’t cry because it’s over.
Smile because it happened.’
-Dr Seuss
Keeping the stress level down is a great asset as a parent
Stress is a natural part of life, especially when you're a parent. Here are a few ways to reduce your stress level for yourself and your child.
Have you noticed that parenting, being an active person and managing a family can be stressful? Stress is a very natural part of everyone’s life.
Here’s the thing! You will be a more effective parent if you can learn to lessen the stress that can so easily creep into your life. Also, you will feel happier, which is such an important component in the business of being a parent. Your body is not meant to be on alert in a constant crisis mode, as unrelieved stress can impair so much of your faculties.
Think about how the following skills which can be gradually learnt or built into your daily routine. At the very least understand them as common factors that can increase stress levels.
Consider:
Are you quick to respond to stress? Do your reactions to stressful situations increase or reduce your feelings of well-being? Is it best to remove yourself from some situations to reduce the stress in your life? Sometimes it’s best to read the signs and walk away from such situations leaving yourself in control.
Are you a person that is always in a rush? Is that rush all about succeeding, doing the right thing or just trying to be in control? Remember, too much rush can mean you stop listening and miss the best part of life.
Are you inclined to make issues bigger than they are? Easily done when gossip and unhealthy discussion is around. Try to put things into proportion. In time, everything passes and all will be well.
Are you inclined to be a perfectionist? Striving for perfection is exhausting and never satisfying especially around children. Start to accept and appreciate that life is all about ups and downs and this is normal.
When there are anxious times do you need to handle them on your own? Try asking for help and building confidence to ask for the help you need. You do not need to fight battles on your own.
When you are compassionate, you are more aware and sensitive of others. This can lower your feelings of stress. Feelings of compassion and gratitude take you into a more gentle and appreciative framework.
Recognise the negative self-talk which can creep up when feeling poorly. This is especially the case when you are feeling tired. Keep feeding yourself positive “I” Statements.
‘I am really good at….’
‘I am talented at…..’
‘People like my….’
Focus on how you are an achiever.
You don’t need everyone’s approval nor do you need to please everyone. Take care to understand why you feel tired trying to please everyone.
It’s a well known support for stress but it works. When feeling anxious simply take slow deep breaths. Allow the time and feel stronger from the silence and pace of the breathing.
Mindfulness is all about savouring the goodness of the moment. A focus on this can distract from the moment of anxiety.
Be mindful that you need to create some personal interruption free time. This gives you time to simply catch up.
Try physical exercise on a regular basis. Simply walking daily is so therapeutic.
Do something creative for yourself each day. Your spirit is lifted when being creative.
Take a walk into nature. Feel the wind. It lifts the spirit. Keep nature close at hand. It’s such a friend to the spirit.
Humour is a great healer. Find laughter and humour in your daily experiences.
These are all ideas to help you work on reducing stress. Your child will quickly recognise you are working to control stress to be a happier person. This is all good modelling. Remember we are human and our best efforts as parents are to provide a model of a parent working towards feeling and being better.
9 Tips about how to help your child love learning
Learning is a crucial part of life and the development of a child. Here are nine simple parenting tips which may encourage learning for your child.
The whole learning process for our children can be considered without a doubt, a family affair. Research over many years tells us that the more parents are interested and show an inquiring attitude to their child’s learning, the more successful the learner. You are after all the child’s first teacher. From infancy through to young adulthood, your child will depend on you physically, emotionally and socially. Challenges will come their way but you still remain a primary source for their learning and developing a passion for learning.
On many levels, you set the stage for understanding the value and richness of learning. Sounds like a tall order, but your work is done slowly and steadily over the years. It is not an overnight job and the more you take it on as a serious part of your role, the more likely the child will be engaged in their learning from a younger age.
Here are some simple tips that help us along the way from infancy through to well…. Adulthood:
Establishing a daily routine is important. Build it into all the expectations of the day and understand what school requirements are to be considered in your plan. Setting up a routine includes providing a quiet spot for them to learn at home. Consider the background noise issues, lighting and of course interruptions like younger siblings.
Regular conversations about school each day can keep the dialogue going in a positive way about what was learnt, achieved or found interesting. Remember this is not about an inquisition into the school day, but a gentle interest in what the child learnt or did in their time. Sometimes you may get a response, sometimes that may not happen.
Set tasks for your child that are manageable and within reasons. You can help them set goals in doing jobs at home. Also help them balance their homework time, play time and reading time. Teach them that the more they plan and balance their time, the happier they will be. Point out that by being organised, they get the recreation and play time that they want and deserve.
A most important aid in helping your child become a true learner is the modelling you give them. By your example such as reading, writing or being active in a range of learning activities, the child sees that this is the way to go. When you play as a family be intuitive and choose activities, games etc. that have a learning component to them, but at the same time they are fun. Learning to link fun and joy is the best way forward for a child. Also be an inquirer. Teach your child that asking questions is important. Have various ways of seeking information through books internet, conversations etc.
Set high expectations for your child, but make them achievable. A child needs to feel inspirational, but not have unreal expectations placed on them. Be proud of their efforts and affirm how hard they try to achieve their goals. ‘I am so impressed with all the effort you put into learning about elephants. You must have got so much good information.’
Be aware of their special talents and praise their uniqueness in all sorts of ways. Every child has unique gifts. Spell them out often.
Be proud to show their work to other members of the family. Learning is about a celebration of knowledge and achievements in many forms. We demonstrate that all learning should be boldly acknowledged.
Encourage overall development. This can be through their physical efforts, intellectual efforts, artistic endeavours etc. Show your child that there are many ways of achieving success in learning and you recognise so many of them in your child.
Be a connector with the school. This shows your child that you value their learning space throughout the day. Connect to libraries, take your child to museums, places where creativity and adventure are alive. Keep an eye out for opportunities that introduce new concepts and open their minds in different ways. Show your child that you enjoy discovering new ways of seeing and understanding the world.
Finally, the learning process over the years is slow and steady. At times it will accelerate as different teachers and circumstances excite the imagination. Your role is to be the constant, everyday reminder that learning is an ongoing and life-giving experience. It is a growth that keeps developing all your life if the foundations teach you well. Be the ever-present learner in the life of your child.
‘Once you stop learning you start dying.’
-Albert Einstein
Choose your battles. That’s the best win.
When raising a child, it is important you pick your battles wisely. Read some parenting tips you may find helpful in these situations.
Sometimes being right is not always the best outcome for the situation. Naturally, the feeling of being right can be overpowering and we feel compelled to set everything on the right curve. After all, if you know what’s right, you naturally want to do the right thing.
Actually, we need to think beyond that and realise that choosing your battles will actually empower you better, when working out issues with your children. Resistance comes fast and furious if you are the one with all the answers. Children learn to shut down, not listen and sometimes work in a rebellious way.
Knowing which battles to fight and which ones to leave is a powerful lesson.
Consider:
Is winning all the time teaching the child any lessons? Sometimes allowing them to decide even though mistakes are made is a great learning lesson. If your child thinks you are always right and have the answers, how will they ever learn themselves? Here the child becomes dependent on the parent and never seeks answers and solutions for themselves. This is a dangerous direction, leading to very poor self-esteem and I might add poor school performance.
By demonstrating to your child that you don’t have all the answers and sometimes you let things go, teaches your child the very human face that you present to them. It is a wise parent that sometimes lets things go.
Remember that some battles are quite insignificant. Consider whether or not it is important to win small victories. Often these are insignificant but can mount up if you are out to win all battles.
Children learn the art of avoidance very quickly if they have dominant parents that seem to know everything. It is much easier for them not to discuss matters with you. Silence, when used, is a great trick or developed skill. Your child will feel happier not going into battle over matters that they know they will lose. This sets a dangerous precedence and your child will seek out their needs elsewhere.
When a battle is brewing and you think it is important to bring up, go gently into active listening. Hear their concerns. Try to resolve the matter with some understanding of their needs. Negotiation is the best way forward and will lead to their confidence in approaching you again.
Think across a day, a week, a month etc. and try not to go into battle too often. It is habit-forming. Try walking away, counting to ten, practise some deep breathing. Find strategies that will reduce your anger and invite more reflection on whether it was worth the battle.
After you learn to be more intuitive with regard to what is worth the battle, you may find yourself relaxing more and not taking everything so seriously.
Finally, your relationship is not about the battles won but the battles that need to be avoided and the relationship that strengthens by less confrontation.
Some children will press your buttons more than others. Think about what is the driver in their behaviour that makes you so upset. Try to reflect on ways around that and it may be by counting to ten, breathing slowly or simply walking away. Quick reactions leading to control can only reduce your healthy relationship, so be alert to how your child interacts with you.
‘Choose your battles wisely because if you fight them all you’ll be too tired to win the really important ones’.
-The MindsJournal.com
Tiredness can be a killer at times
This blog provides helpful parenting tips when tiredness is affecting parent and child communication, read more.
This is just a brief reminder that tiredness can be an enemy in building relationships at times. When we are tired our capacity to think straight, our interest in doing things well and our ability to pay attention are down. When we are like this and more vulnerable, we are more inclined to damage and neglect relationships, which then leads to the need to recover and repair.
Teachers who are skilled in understanding their levels of tiredness choose to teach according to how they feel. I always remember coming to school one day with no voice! Not a sensible thing to do. The children then decided to have a silent day! Well, it worked, but in hindsight, I should have been at home resting. A teacher will redirect their planned work if they are not feeling up to the mark. This flexibility is a responsible way of managing your work and ensuring that your performance fits how you feel.
Consider:
When you are tired, debating issues with your child can be a lose/ lose scenario. Delay such a plan. Nobody wants to go into damage control if possible.
Being tired leaves you open to say things more loosely. It can also quicken your temper. Nobody wants to go into damage control while tired. Remember that things said take a while to unravel.
Do you really listen to everything with clarity when you are tired? Take care not to agree to certain matters while tired. You could regret that later. Children can be very clever in choosing their time!
Sometimes it is easier not to be too present with your child on that day when you are feeling tired. This is being proactive and avoiding conflictual situations. Are there others that can deal with the matter?
Your child may not understand that tiredness affects your judgement. This is especially the case with younger children. Tell them that when tired, it is not the best time to discuss important matters. Tiredness limits how you can best help them.
Sometimes our comprehension of situations can be dulled when tired. Try not to make important decisions with your child or final statements when not feeling ready.
Do not be too hard on yourself if you feel that you just can’t deal with your child’s issue at that time. You are human and respect the fact that you want to give the best to your child. Being tired is not the best time.
‘I am feeling a little tired now. Can we discuss that matter later today?’
The more you let your child understand how you feel, the more likely they will be to approach you when ready. After all, they also want the best from the conversation and especially to be really heard. They learn quickly to choose the best time to satisfy their needs.
‘The worst thing about being tired is the negative twist of perception’
-Rosamond Rice