Valuable resources for mastering effective communication with your child

In the rush of the busy day, we sometimes talk to our children in short sharp bursts. This can be frustrating for the parent and the child, both struggling to be heard and to have their needs met. It is no wonder that we become irritated when we don't get an answer or we feel no one is listening.

Here are some helpful skills that we can use to support a child who needs to be heard. Acquiring these skills can significantly enhance the quality of our conversations.

• When a child starts talking and you feel it is important to listen, then attending is a key skill to learn. This involves really being with the child, making appropriate eye contact, being still and focusing on what they have to say. This is all about using the right body language to let your child know that you are really listening. Here you give your total attention to the child.

• Silence is a wonderful tool in showing your child that you are really listening. This means no interruptions to their talk and passively hearing what they have to say. Silence can be very powerful in communicating. It is especially helpful if the child is upset, angry or anxious.

• As the child talks in order to let them know you are truly listening you can give head nods or perhaps mutter for example, ’Hmm, Really, Yes.” This gives them ongoing reassurance that you are listening and not making any judgements on what they have to say.

• Encourage them to keep talking. ‘Would you like to talk more about that?’ This is indicating that you are there to listen and you want them to have every opportunity to talk for as long as they feel necessary. This is very helpful to young children who find it hard to articulate what they have to say.

• If you feel your child needs the time to be heard, find a suitable place to have the conversations. Distractions, noise etc. can stop their flow of conversation leading to disappointment and frustration.

• Keep to the same level as your child instead of towering over them. This makes them feel that you are genuinely listening.

• Have a positive disposition as they talk. This may mean smiling and reassuring them that their feelings are valued.

• When talking back use a gentle tone of voice where the child feels that there is no judgement or disappointment.

• Finally, you can use active listening. This is picking up on what they see and repeating the essence of their conversation. ‘You said that when you fell on the school yard you felt so sad.’ Picking up the essence of their talk and especially the emotion will give them fuel for talking back with more information.

To help your child after they have disclosed something important and you have listened well, be clear in what you have to say, be correct in your response and always show compassion. In this way you develop trust.

“If you respect your child, then listen to what they have to say.”

— Gail J Smith

The best way to influence your child is through modelling

When you build a strong relationship with your child you have a greater capacity to influence them in a healthy way. This is such a positive way of effectively passing on your values and beliefs in a safe and reliable way. Children particularly model after admired adults. Think about your childhood. Were you strongly influenced by adults that you admired and respected?

Let’s consider why modelling is such an effective way of influencing our children without using power or other means that certainly don't have a long life.

• There are few risks in damaging your relationship with your child. By modelling what you believe in you are not directly or adversely attempting to change the child. You are just being yourself.

• Your modelling is how you live and what you value. The child can see how happy it makes you and how you enjoy living by your standards.

• When you model some behaviour that puts you in a certain direction it demonstrates your convictions. For example, if you believe in a clean house, a clear message is being sent to your child that cleanliness is important in your life.

• Being credible is important. Sticking by your convictions sends a very clear message to your child that being rock solid in beliefs is important.

• The effects of modelling may take years. Be patient with your child, who will want to experiment with change along the way.

• The advantage of modelling is that you are not using power to influence your child. You are just demonstrating that how you live is an acceptable way to operate. In this way your relationship continues to grow. The use of power can result in the rejection of you as a model.

• Modelling is all about the longer-term effect for the child. You want them to reflect positively on your model when they are adults making their own decisions. Of course, being another generation there may be a few twists and turns to your influences but none the less they will be useful if valued.

• Modelling well is not about being perfect. Just be authentic around your child. They know our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. What they observe is how we handle them.

Finally, never underestimate your capacity to influence your child in the longer term. However, once we use power to exercise and influence, we can damage our relationship and cloud our ability to be of value to your child.

“Be yourself, true and honest to your child. That makes them feel safe and happy.”

— Gail J Smith

Using 'I' statements to get your message across to your child

An 'I' statement is all about self disclosure. It lets the person know that you have needs and feelings. It also let's the other person know your genuine thoughts. When you use 'I' statements with your child they have a much better understanding of how you feel.

Consider the positive 'I' statement:

“I am happy that you have cleared the table”.

“I feel better now that you are working on your homework”.

“I am excited that you got such a great result for your test. You tried so hard”.

• Giving your child a better understanding of your feelings gives them a stronger message and one that they appreciate and internalize more.

• Take care not to use the 'You' statement. It sounds so judgmental and evaluative. All the child hears is that sense of being judged even if it is a positive statement.

“You did the right thing by cleaning your room.” Here you feel that cleaning the room was almost a punishment! How about saying: “I am so pleased you cleaned the room. It looks so tidy now.”

• All positive 'I' messages should be a natural, spontaneous expression of your feelings. Your child will feel more secure when you use positive 'I' statements to deliver messages. They will hear your needs and respond in a happier way. I would even argue that they will listen with more intent.

Finally, when you give your child an 'I' statement, you are inviting them to address something that concerns you or perhaps you are praising them for something wonderful you noticed about them. The primary thoughts behind an 'I' statement are coming from you.

A Few Tips on keeping a Calm Household

We all know that busy families make for busy lives which of course leads to tiredness and tension from time to time. It is natural that being calm and steady throughout the busy week can almost become impossible. Below are a few simple tips on reducing weekly domestic tension with your child.

• Try to be less a perfectionist. This can make you very unsettled if in a busy week your ideal plan does not go well. Remember you are dealing with children and their lives are messy and changing frequently. Being more flexible and less demanding of expectations on your part will make life easier.

• Try to keep to routines and have schedules clearly visible for all to see. A child feels more secure when they know predicable patterns across the week occur. They are more unsettled when change occurs.

• Plenty of sleep for everyone in the house is important. You need it as much as your child. Find some personal time in the day, just a few moments that you can call you own. How about that coffee in a cafe for five minutes?

• On the weekend check in with your child for the week ahead. Talk about expectations you have and also discuss those days where your child will need to be contributing more. Getting them involved in planning the week ahead is vital for success.

• When your child talks to you remember to be an effective listener. This may mean that you say, “I can't talk right now but after school we will sit down and I can listen to what you have to say.” Follow through with this as your child will not forget.

• Use bedtime as a time to have more intimate chats with your child. They love to feel special and to know that you are really available.

• With younger children talk at a slower pace if you are giving instructions. They will listen and respond better if they understand what you want from them.

• During the day keep regular affirmations going. This gives your child reassurance that all is well. 'I love the way you pack your lunch for school. It makes a difference in getting to school on time.'

• When having a stressed moment stop and take a deep breath before your respond to your child. It can make such a difference with your response which will carry less frustration to your child.

• Try to keep down the clutter in the house. A very cluttered and disorganized environment makes for less calm children.

• At the end of a week assess with your child how it all went. Were their positive moments and did you both get the best from the way it was organized? Being reflective may make for a better week next time.

• All children work towards independence. From an early age they seek to do things on their own. This actually makes them happier. Consider whether you can give your child more responsibility for themselves. They will love the independence. Don't worry too much when it all goes poorly. Mistakes happen. That is how we all learn.

• Be well aware of what is happening at school. There is nothing more frustrating than catching up with news when it is all too late. Read notices, plan ahead for dress up days. Etc. You will enjoy your child's school much more by being engaged.

• Homework can be a stressful time for the household. Work out the best time for your child to do homework and have it set up in a comfortable, light filled space. You will be more relaxed knowing that your child is in an optimum environment for homework to be done. Also remember that teachers set homework and that if a child is struggling refer it back to the teacher.

Finally we live in an ever changing world with our child. There are always reasons why change must occur or plans altered due to illness, fatigue etc. Expect the unexpected but don't place the burden on yourself when everything does not go to plan. Flexibility and creativity will get you through those tricky moments.

“A parent who understands the changing nature of family, not only survives but thrives.”

— Gail J Smith

Let’s think about how good holidays are with our families

We are at the tail end of school term holidays and yes we are busy thinking and doing things that get us ready for the new year in the family schedule, not the least of which is school matters. Here I am reminding everyone to savour and still enjoy what is left of the holiday. They are such a gift for a family enabling them to connect in a deeper and special way. It is important to reflect on the good they have done for everyone in the family.

 Consider the following thoughts that feed into our belief of the value of family holidays

• A surprise research finding suggests that blood pressure is reduced when you take that well earnt rest whether it be for a weekend or longer. Also research suggests that heart disease is reduced and depression less likely when vacations are taken. So overall it is about improving your mental and physical health and this flows onto your children.

•     Being on holidays with your child gives you the chance to build life long memories which are so important to the child. Happy memories can be life long.

•     You break from the normal routine and this sets up lots of opportunities to connect in different ways. Sometimes these can be spontaneous and give you a chance to be seen in a completely different light by your children. Suddenly children may discover how funny their father is on holidays.

•     Life at home comes with responsibilities, duties and order. Holidays can be worry free and less stress on completing tasks and doing jobs. It is about finding your family joy.

•     Holidays have built in quantity times with your children. How often during the year do you find longer and more available space to fit in conversations and fun with your children?

•     On holidays especially when the vacation is away from the home you get the opportunity to show and teach your child about nature and life issues. This could be teaching them about sea shells through to environmental matters such as why grass is green. This is a special time to step outside the norm as a parent and to be a real educator of culture and life.

•     By having a regular family holiday you are building a holiday tradition. Children remember well how you as a family operate in such a situation. Photos can become long term cherished memories. For example, in a caravan you may share meals with other families regularly. With a beach holiday you may have a tradition of swimming together, burying each other in sand etc. All rich family traditions of being joyful together. It is all about celebrating the various values that bring us together. We also let go of feeling we must be in control and accountable.

•     We all need stress busters from the busy years we have. We need an unwind time and a time for renewal. Family holidays can achieve so much in reducing stress.

You learn more about your children and they learn more about you through relaxed family holidays Often your children see a new you and enjoy what they see. Also you discover more about your child when you see them happily playing and engaged in more relaxed activities. In this space there is no judgement and lots of enjoyment.

Finally you can develop stronger and happier family bonds on holidays. You actually learn how to operate more effectively as a family unit. Such things as cooperation, better interaction and spontaneous joy come from family vacation.

So, I am wondering, have you planned your next trip?

 ‘The greatest legacy we can leave our children is happy memories.’

                                                                                       -Og Mandino

A few tips to keep the household happy

We all like a happy contented house and we are all aware that it doesn’t take much to turn the balance from a happy household to a cranky one in a short time.

Here are a few practical tips that may have the potential to ease household tension.

Consider:

 keep the house uncluttered as much as possible. Cluttered houses make as all cranky as we feel lost in the maze of items scattered around the house. The areas where the children use the most could be an easy space in which to walk around.

 Try not to over talk your child when you are busy and expect them to do jobs. The question is, will they listen to you and how often do you need to repeat yourself?

 Be proactive. If you can see trouble ahead can you ward it off or change some dynamic to lessen the impact.

 Watch how tired you are getting. Dealing with the bigger issues when you are tired can be disastrous and put things out of perspective.

 Each day think about keeping the happy levels up with children. A house that seems happy is good for mental health. A child feels secure when family around them are in a positive mood.

 At night in preparing children for bed think about dulling the lights a half hour before bedtime. The atmosphere you create calms everyone down and is great preparation for going to bed.

 Do you play music around the house? You can get your child involved in choosing some of this music. Listening to beautiful sounds is such a calming agent for everyone.

 Having plenty of healthy snacks around the house, fruit bowls and healthy snack food that a child can access in the fridge presents a house that is warm and inviting through nurturing food.

 Allow plenty of light in your house. Happy moods and positivity come from light infused environments. Make your home warm and inviting.

 Set up some routines around the house. This could involve setting tables, pulling down blinds, putting dishes away in their correct place etc. Your child will be comforted by routine and familiarity. They need to know how well they are to live in their house.

 Display your child’s work boldly and confidently perhaps on the fridge or a notice board. Let them see that in this house everyone is proud of the children’s efforts.

 Consider your backyard. Is it set up to give your child space to play. Talk to your child about what they would like to see in their backyard.

These simple suggestions are about making life at home easier to manage as a family. We know that the less tension that we encounter in a home setting, the happier the environment which for our children is to be a safe haven.

“A home that is warm and inviting that allows a child to breathe with ease is happy space for any child.”

— Gail J Smith

Supporting your child with homework and developing good study habits

Homework can be controversial in many teaching circles. However, if a child is given homework, it is important to support their efforts and let it be seen that extended learning from school is valued in your home and you will be a support.

Consider the following:

• Set aside a designated time and space for homework each day to create a consistent routine. This helps children develop a sense of structure and responsibility. Find a comfortable space for your child in which to complete the homework.

• Break down homework assignments into smaller, more manageable tasks. Encourage your child to focus on completing one task at a time. Sometimes they can be daunted by looking at the amount of work to do overnight or in a few days.

• Do not labour over homework tasks that the child is finding too difficult. Stress that they can discuss it with the teacher on the next day. After all the teacher set the homework.

• Create a quiet and organized study space free from distractions, such as television or electronic devices. Offer support and encouragement as needed, but encourage independence and problem-solving skills. Watch the time that the homework is completed. Doing homework when a child is tired or anxious

  is doomed for failure.

• Teach your child effective time management skills, such as prioritizing tasks, setting goals, and creating a homework schedule. Help them learn to plan their homework out well.

• Encourage your child to take regular breaks during homework sessions to rest and recharge. Encourage physical activity, proper nutrition, and adequate sleep to support overall well-being. Create an enjoyable atmosphere around homework time.

• Provide guidance and support when needed, but avoid completing assignments for your child. Encourage them to ask questions, seek clarification from teachers, and use available resources such as textbooks, websites, or tutoring services. Take care not to get in an argument about their completing homework when they are struggling with the activity. This is where you need teacher intervention.

• Encourage a growth mindset by praising effort, persistence, and improvement rather than focusing solely on grades or outcomes. Let their homework time be a time for learning in an inquiring way but with no tension.

• Celebrate your child's successes and achievements, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement helps build confidence and motivation to continue working hard.

• Stay informed about your child's progress and any challenges they may be facing with homework. Communicate regularly with teachers to address concerns and seek additional support or resources if needed. Talk to their teacher about your child’s capacity to do the homework.

• Model good study habits and a positive attitude toward learning in your own behaviour. Let your child see you reading, learning, and problem-solving in your daily life. Perhaps you could sometimes have a quite study time while they are doing their homework

There are various professional opinions about the value of homework. Keep yourself optimistic when your child brings home work to complete. Let them see that learning is ongoing and not just between the school hours.

“Teach your child that learning happens all the time. Homework is merely one component of a very big picture.”

— Gail J Smith

The value of being positive around your child

We live in a world where we are constantly addressing mental health as it is such an interfering and common part of our society. Your child learns so much from you and it is amazing how your disposition can help your child see the world in a positive light.

Consider the following:

• When you portray yourself positively as a parent, your child learns a great deal. They like to copy you and see you in a very positive light.

• If you exhibit a positive presence as a parent, your child absorbs significant learning. They will want to imitate it and they will see how much better the world appears from that perspective.

• If you project positivity as a parent, your child picks up on important lessons. This is a great way of teaching optimism.

• If you see the world as a happy place in which to live that will influence their world.

• Being an optimistic around your child invites them to problem solve in an optimistic way rather than focusing on unsolvable problems

• It is a matter of conditioning your child to being positive. It’s a safer place in which to live.

• When your child adopts positivity it attracts people who enjoy life. Don’t forget to use laughter as part of your persona around your child. Laughter is a happy space in which to live.

• By demonstrating a positive disposition your child will be less anxious to approach you over matters that trouble them.

A bright happy parents who savours life is a mindful person who can teach their child to see the world as a hopeful place. What better mental health lesson can you find?

“Keep your eyes on the sun and you will not see the shadows”

— Aboriginal proverb

Teach mindfulness to your child

Teaching mindfulness is a powerful tool in overcoming the overstimulated world in which our children live. By offering slow and steady activities to your child where they recognize and sensitize to their environment can be nothing short of a helpful tool in coping with stress and the hectic world that children experience with such distractions as social media etc.

The following activities offer some relief from the busy world and teach your child to be sensitive to the moment.

• Take a few moments each day to practise deep breathing exercises with your child. Encourage them to notice the sensation of their breath as it enters and leaves their body, helping them anchor themselves in the present moment. This could be done at times that are built into routine such as before meals, at bedtime, before school etc.

• Engage in a mindful listening exercise with your child. Sit quietly together and listen carefully to various sounds in your environment, such as birds chirping or cars passing by. Discuss what you noticed afterwards, such as the different pitches or rhythms of the sounds. Great fun to do in the backyard, at parks, the beach etc.

• Practise mindful body scans with your child. Lie down together in a comfortable position and guide them through a relaxation exercise, focusing on each part of the body from head to toe. Encourage them to notice any sensations or feelings without judgement.

• Practise loving-kindness meditation with your child. Sit together in a comfortable position and guide them to silently repeat phrases of well-wishes for themselves and others, such as "May I be happy, may you be happy, may all beings be happy."

• Create a mindful art project with your child, such as colouring mandalas or painting rocks. Focus on the process rather than the end result, encouraging open conversation and exploration of thoughts and feelings during the activity. Come back later and talk about what you created and what it meant to you.

• Take a mindful nature walk with your child. Explore your surroundings together, noticing the colours, textures, and smells of the natural world around you. Encourage your child to engage their senses and appreciate the beauty of the outdoors. The local park can do the job as well.

• Cooking can be a mindful experience as you mix food together and reflect on the texture and feel of the ingredients as they morph into a new food. Also follow up with a mindful time of enjoying the various flavours.

• Music is a great vehicle for mindful activities. Lie together on the floor and just

  take in the music. Let the child enjoy their music as well as other music you may introduce.

Mindfulness is all about learning to savour the moment and to appreciate and be sensitive to what is happening around you. In our world of over stimulation, it is wonderful to introduce to our children, the art of slowing down and simply smelling the roses. One they feel the advantage they will adopt the principal themselves. Here you give them a great new life source.

“Wake up to what’s around you and savour the moment with your child.”

— Gail J Smith

Be available to listen to your child at this early stage of the school year

At this early stage of the school year it is most important to be a good listener to your child. There will be the usual challenges and adjustments with a new classroom teacher and a different culture of children in a class. They need to have your ear when they come home. Some reasons for effective listening are listed below. You may identify with some as only you know how your child responds to change.

• Being a good listener builds trust between you and your child. Once trust is established they will talk more about their deep concerns. They will safe to talk.

• By actively listening, you can understand any concerns or anxieties your child may have about the new school year. Addressing these concerns helps them feel supported.

• Listening attentively to your child's thoughts and feelings promotes their emotional well-being. It provides a safe space for them to express themselves, reducing stress and fostering a positive mindset.

• Effective listening helps you identify your child's needs, whether they're related to schoolwork, social interactions, or personal challenges. This allows you to provide appropriate support and guidance. It is different for every child.

• When you listen well you will actually be surprised at what you hear. Then asking simple questions may help get to the bottom of the problem sooner.

• When children feel heard and understood, it boosts their confidence. Knowing that their opinions and experiences matter encourages them to engage more actively in school and other social situations. Sometimes just talking it through is enough!

• Actively listening to your child strengthens the bond between you. It creates a sense of connection and security, making them more likely to turn to you for guidance and support. That is the right place for your child to get the support.

• Understanding your child's thoughts about school allows you to provide targeted support for their academic success. You can address any challenges they may be facing and work together on solutions.

• When you get into the habit of listening well your child will expect nothing less. However the reward is the richness of conversation that develops.

• A child who feels vulnerable in talking about their concerns will only disclose if they are genuinely listened to in a safe and trusting environment. Know your child’s needs.

• Time is needed to be an active listener. You cannot do it on the run. Allow time when your child needs to talk.

At this early stage of the year is it a good idea to be readily available to listen to your child. They may need that comfortable ear.

“When you listen well to your child you see your child more clearly”

— Gail J Smith

Finding balance between structured activities and long summer holidays

The school holidays can seem long at times and there will be moments of boredom where the children are struggling to find activities to do. Consider mixing a few enjoyable structured activities with those long summer days.

Here are some ideas to get you thinking:

Creative Workshops or Classes: Enrol your child in a creative workshop or class, such as art, music, or coding. These structured activities allow them to explore new skills in a fun and educational environment. They also get to meet new friends.

Summer Reading Program: Implement a summer reading program with specific goals and rewards. Set aside dedicated time each day for reading, and make it an enjoyable experience by discussing the stories together. Have lots of books lying around the house.

Nature Explorations and Scavenger Hunts: Plan structured nature outings or scavenger hunts to explore the outdoors. This provides a blend of structure and adventure, allowing children to learn about nature in a hands-on way.

Cooking or Baking: This is always a winner with children and so therapeutic for everyone.

Gardening Project: Start a small gardening project with your child. It could involve planting and caring for flowers, herbs, or vegetables. This structured activity teaches responsibility and introduces kids to the wonders of nature. It’s fun planting and fun watering.

Weekly Family Movie Nights with Discussions: Designate a specific night each week for a family movie night. Choose movies that are not only entertaining but also have meaningful themes. After the movie, engage in discussions with your child, encouraging them to share their thoughts and insights.

Structured Games: Have a game night where you play scrabble, monopoly or twister. Just make it a fun night with popcorn.

As we approach the latter bracket of school holiday it is a great idea to bring the troupes in to work together as the year ahead will be a busy one.

“Cause a little bit of Summer is what the whole year is about.”

— John Mayer

Think about having one-on-one time with your children

We are starting to reflect on what lies ahead for 2024. In your planning consider allocating some individual time for each of your children. Providing such time gives your child a wonderful sense of being important in their own right. It will make quite a difference in building that relationship with each child as they can express their uniqueness and feel their story is being heard. It also lessens sibling rivalry, which can be quite damaging amongst children.

Think about these reflections that provide sound reasons why one on one time with each child has its value for you and your child.

Special Connection: One-on-one time creates a special connection between you and your child. It makes them feel valued and loved for who they are as an individual..

Open Communication: It encourages open communication, helping your child feel comfortable sharing thoughts and feelings. Being on their own with you invites them to talk more openly about matters that are important to them.

Boosts Confidence: Individual attention boosts their confidence, showing them that their uniqueness is celebrated. They are not competing with their siblings who may have a stronger personality and can express themselves more confidently..

Tailored Support: It allows for tailored support, addressing specific needs and interests that might get overlooked in a group setting. With each child you will hear about their specific hopes and dreams.

Strengthens Bonds: One-on-one time strengthens the parent-child bond, building a foundation of trust and understanding. Your child will feel better understood and therefore more keen to engage with you on important matters.

A family can be a noisy, bustling space where stronger temperaments get heard quickly and where some children may have greater needs to be met, physical or emotional. Giving each child some regular one on one time provides some personal safe space in which each child can be themselves and feel personally connected in a deeper way to their parents.

“We can empathize with our children more deeply when we give them one on one time.”

— Gail J Smith