Now after Mother's Day what is there to celebrate?

I say keep the party going by keeping your image above water.

The job of a mother is too complex to put in one sentence or paragraph. It is different for everyone and everyone will respond differently to being a mother. I believe there are some important thoughts you need to keep in mind as you enter the post-Mother’s Day period.

• You are human and this means you are allowed to make mistakes. In fact, your child will see the real you by being authentic. That’s all they want anyway.

• Being positive with your child all the time is hard work, so if you need a break from being a mum for a short while, take it. In the longer run, you will feel better and be happier. More content women make better mums.

• Don’t be too hard on yourself when the day doesn't work out the way you wanted it to. Sometimes, our children will be disappointed and that’s OK. They need to see and learn about the real world, that it doesn’t entirely revolve around them!

• Plan each day with yourself included. This could be just a short walk or sipping tea on your own. You have a right to feel content throughout the day.

• Remember that you don't have to do everything around the house. The more independent you make your children by giving them jobs, the better they will develop independent skills.

• Friends and chats have a great healing capacity. Make sure you allow personal time for chats with good friends throughout the week.

• Little treats help to keep up the spirits. Discover a treat that makes you feel good and build it in occasionally. Don’t feel guilty. Children need to see that you need nurturing as well.

• Remember that you are working hard to be the best mum. That means that you don’t need to knock yourself out all the time to prove it. Slow and steady nurturing parenting does the job. In the longer term, this is what is remembered and valued.

• Your child loves you for who you are. You don't need to keep justifying why you do the things you do, this can get very tiring. Just be content that you are a work in progress as a great mum. That’s good enough.

 Finally, keep up your dignity. Tired mums often feel lowly about themselves. A little lipstick and powder and the right t-shirt can lift the spirits for the day.

 Happy Mother’s Year 2023-2024.

How to get the best from your child's teacher

Teachers lead a busy, demanding, life and each day presents a range of challenges that can surprise them in so many ways. Being in tune with the teacher and sensitive to the changeable nature of their day can mean that you get the best from your teacher when you want and need a chat with them.

Here are some reflections that might help you plan a more productive time with the teacher.

• Sometimes talking about matters on the hop at the classroom door can be frustrating for you and the teacher. Gauge how busy the teacher is, if you wish to approach them at the beginning or end of the day. Sometimes this can be not the best time to resolve matters. You may leave feeling quite frustrated. Respect the business of that time.

• If you have several matters to discuss, I recommend writing a list. Three points at the most. Make an appointment with the teacher. This way they are better prepared and more relaxed to chat.

• Take care if you have an issue regarding an incident in which your child was involved. Talk as though you appreciate that your child may have some accountability in the issue. There is nothing more frustrating for a teacher when a parent doesn't take a balanced approach. Your teacher is very astute at seeing how your child works and operates around their peers. You want and need an honest appraisal of the situation.

• If you are meeting to talk about concerns, ask about the positive aspects that your teachers see in your child. This is always important for a teacher to talk about the aspects that they really love about their students. This changes the tone of a meeting in a heartbeat.

• Occasional notes to your teacher thanking them for noticeable care of your child goes a long way. You can imagine that many of the parent calls they receive are always about problems.

• Helping in the classroom also creates a positive, more authentic relationship with your child’s teacher. Here they are prepared to be public with their teaching and your confidentiality and professional approach goes a long way to building relationships.

• Remember that if you have concerns regarding some matter in the classroom always address it to the teacher first, not the Principal. This shows loyalty and trust. Obviously, if the problem is unresolved then you could take it further.

• Try not to write long emails that are all about a concern that has unsettled you. These can be quite frustrating to teachers and if written late at night, a teacher can find them quite intrusive and in some cases intimidating. If unsettled about something, deal with it in the morning and make that appointment. Sometimes waiting some time can get you to reflect more reasonably on what is best to talk about. Angry emails only complicate the situation.

Teachers spend an amazing amount of time with your child throughout the year. It is a privileged position and gives an amazing insight into your child. Trust what they have to say and support their work throughout the year. In this way, your child and yourself will get the very best from their school experience.

         ‘Your children need your presence more than your presents.

                                                                               -Jesse Jackson.

Poor behaviour can get you down - 9 ways to better manage

From time to time, continued poor behaviour can be tiring and may cause a frustrated parent to overreact on the littlest of issues. It is always wise to remind yourself of one important fact, when taken seriously, it helps to ease the pressures when things just get too hard. Remember what you are seeing with your child is simply behaviour. It is acted out because of some reasons where satisfaction has not been gained. It is a call for help. It is not the nature of the child nor should you begin to feel guilty because you have feelings of not liking your child. What you do not like is the behaviour, which is temporary and is not the child.

Here are nine thoughts to help understand the best ways to respond when poor behaviour interferes with your relationship with your child:

1. Be a proactive parent. This is where you are actively engaged in their life and always on the lookout to be proactive. This means spending time with your child, talking to them, playing, reading together and encouraging independence. It is all about having an active presence in their life. You have more chance of being heard when disciplining and will be respected by your child when rules, routines and rituals are put in place to enrich the family.

2. Catch them when they are good and keep the affirmation at a high level. Be specific and let them know what you affirm them for rather than just general acknowledgement.‘Well done. You put the dishes away and now I can go to bed a little earlier.’

3. When problem behaviour occurs, try to think about what and why the behaviour has occurred. Finding the reason takes away the feelings of disappointment and reduces angry disappointed feelings. Listen to your child and hear what they have to say.

4. Prevention is better than cure. Here I suggest you make sure your child knows what is expected of them and this may mean demonstrating the expected behaviour to the child. Having regular routines is helpful in developing regular behaviour patterns. Younger children especially, may not know what is expected of them.

5. When disciplining, take care to criticise the behaviour of the child and not the child. Upset children can misinterpret very quickly that you dislike them. It is all about disliking the behaviour, not the child.

6. Learn to negotiate with your child and get them involved in talking about the consequences of their actions. Keep the punishment to only suit the crime and move on quickly. Never surprise your child with some new way of dealing with the problem. Keep consequences familiar and consistent. Check-in with them later to make sure you are back on track with your relationship.

7. Are there some situations that you can let go and decide that some things can just pass? It is OK to just forgive, forget and make a fresh start. This is important to be intuitive enough to know what is best left alone.

8. In solving problems, it is vital that it’s done with the child. Once the problem is established, look together at possible ways to deal with it. Together, choose a solution to trial. Try it and later evaluate if it worked. This is the best way to teach them how to solve problems.

9. Keep things as simple as possible. When a child is upset, their capacity to reason and be logical drops immensely. They need you to be clear about the concern and to direct them into managing the problem calmly and with a belief in solving the problem together.

Finally, when we think about supporting our children with behavioural issues and problems, keep in mind that children have rights. One is to be treated fairly and consistently. Parents have rights also. One is to decide what standards of behaviour are acceptable in their own home. The invitation is clear. Treat your child with dignity as you educate them into managing themselves in a loving, respectful family, where effective listening and appreciation of each others’ rights are paramount. This can start from a very early age.

‘Challenging behaviour occurs when the demands and expectations being placed upon a child outstrip the skills they have to respond.’

                                                                                  -Youth Dynamics

What about our so-called underachievers?

I have real concerns about the word ‘underachiever’, especially when referring to children. This implies there are children who can perform much better, but actually do not perform well. The name and hence label ‘underachiever’ puts a very damning perception on a child. It implies that they are just not up to the mark and will always be below the line.

In my experience as a school principal for 30 years, I have seen many children, who for a variety of reasons, underperform in some way. Yet over those same years, through sound support and shifting social and emotional growth, they no longer underperform. We all are evolving and morphing into well-rounded human beings. There will always be variations as we grow in how we perform.

If a child has a perception that they are an underperformer, they feel a sense of failure in many and varied ways. It totally saturates their sense of self-worth and their endeavours to do better are very poor. They have little motivation to change that perception.

Here are some reflections to help your child if they feel they are underachieving:

• Look at your own parental attitudes towards achievement. Take care not to demand unrealistic high performance. Are your expectations appropriate in light of your child’s anxiety in this area? Remember every child is different.

• If you have little interest in your child’s performance and general school work, they can’t see the point in trying too hard. Always show interest that demonstrates excitement in their work. It is easy to disengage when interest from parents is low.

• Be careful not to put your child down if they perform less than perfect. Always acknowledge their efforts, applaud the process and celebrate how far they have come. Affirming their performance only because it reaches your suitable expectations can lead a child to be very angry, frustrated and disheartened. They will feel despondent because they cannot reach such expectations all the time.

• Some children will underperform, as they do not want to be different from their peers. I have seen this quite a few times. Easier to be one of the gang, than to stand out with a good effort. In this case, discussions need to be had with the teacher to establish how socially active your child is and how they engage with others. This is more about self-esteem matters.

• If your child is underachieving, take little steps. Affirm their work along the way. If they write a story, affirm the stages they are at and compliment them on their efforts.

• Play games where they sometimes win and talk about the fun of having a go and succeeding. Simple games like snakes and ladders can build confidence in young children. Building blocks are a great tool for seeing success through the endeavour.

• If your child hates chores and says they are boring, simplify the chore. When they finish, have some fun and tell them how finishing the chore makes your life easier.

• Select small attainable goals at home. They will be less frustrated as quickly and feel that they want to finish it off. Sometimes doing the goal with them can be helpful as well.

• It can become a habit to underachieve. Find occasions at home to notice when they did complete tasks well. Talk about them and make a fuss about the success it showed.

• Use positive upbeat language. Not words that can easily put down your child. Words like:‘Wonderful effort’,‘Great show’, ‘Much appreciated’, ‘What an outstanding effort’ and‘Wow what a great job’. It’s all about getting them to hear positive thoughts about their achievements, no matter how inconsequential.

• Little positive notes around the house, in their bedroom and in lunchboxes, about how they did well to achieve certain things is a very effective visual way of letting them feel like an achiever. I used to put a little positive note in each child’s desk each night. This made such a difference to their motivation and drive.

We all have periods of underachieving. Our children will have shifting emotions that, from time to time, may lead them down that path. Just keep up the positive talk and minimise occasions where that sense of hopelessness and reduced drive can linger longer. We don’t want over-achievers; we want natural achievers. 

‘The achiever is the only individual who is truly alive.’

                                                                                          George Allen

9 ideas to get the term off to a good start

Term two begins in school with a whole different feel. By now there is a general expectation that relationships have formed in the classroom and that children have a good understanding of where they sit with their teacher. Not to say that this is still a work in progress and children need to feel secure and valued over the school year. Sometimes, with more vulnerable children, that can take some time to develop.

1. Routines should be well set up at home. This should especially apply to before-school routines and homework patterns. Providing such an order does keep children busy and focused. This reduces small anxieties about school that can creep up, particularly in the morning.

2. Every now and then check in with your child that they are keeping in touch with their teacher. A measure of this is usually that they talk about them at home. If you have concerns, talk to your child and follow up with the teacher. They need to be kept in the loop.

3. Routines are well underway in a classroom. Children know the routines, the regular test patterns and the extras that are built into the day. Chat about how their day works. This shows interest and that you have up-to-date information.

4. The teacher will have set expectations of how the children should work by now. It is important that your child understands and is in the swing of following the routines of the school day. A chat at home is also helpful here.

5. Sometimes, with younger children, fatigue can set in and occasionally you may hear ‘I don’t want to go to school.’ Sometimes it comes in the form of stomach aches etc. Here it is important to be strong and keep up with regular school attendance. Research shows that more and more absences from school becomes a habit and has a significant impact on learning.

6. Try to keep up with parent nights, sports days etc. I know the year gets complicated but your continual, ongoing presence in their school life, keeps their optimism up for the year. It can wain once the weather gets colder and days darker.

7. As the winter sets in and the children seem less engaged, maybe this could be the time to throw in some treats or simply reduce duties etc. A little lighter period on everyone can ease the winter blues.

8. Keep up the important family rituals such as having meals together. Such regularity helps everyone feel consistently connected and necessary.

9. Bedtime rituals are important as the year rolls on. Children enjoy that time to often disclose concerns or simply feel connected in a special way to their parents.

Finally, the school year can be challenging for some children. It can also put undue strain on a family that is busy and has a range of expectations. As a parent, keeping the happy momentum is what it is all about. This may need some adjustment and maybe adaptation from time to time. It may also require that you check in with your own needs across the year. Your mental health has a direct impact on the well-being of your children.

         ‘One way to keep up the momentum going is to have constantly greater goals.’

 -Michael Korda

Be confident as a parent you have what it takes

By nature of being a parent, you come with many capabilities. It is easy to underestimate how skilled you are, but by nature of being an adult, you have already learnt many skills that can be translated into useful tips for your child. A parent who feels confident about their skills gives a strong message to their child and this feeds into successful parenting. Confidence breeds reassurance in others.

It is also natural to feel anxious about providing the best advice and council to your growing child. After all, the world they are entering has altered from your world and the skills they need have shifted from the demands and expectations placed on you whilst growing up.

Here are a few thoughts on feeling and growing confident in being the best parent possible:

• Never underestimate your child. Understand that they have special gifts that are unique to them and that we should focus on all that makes them special and unique. Consider that they may not understand you, but your task is to understand them and respect what it is that they want. This can be difficult, but to understand them better you need to understand their world. You have more confidence in supporting your child when you really feel you know them.

• Take care not to compare. Each child is an individual and thinks and processes quite differently. We need to understand how they think and what drives their world. The more we show respect and understand our child, the greater union between you and your child.

• The education of your child takes such a priority. Know what your child is learning. Be part of that journey. Show interest and be available when and if they need your support. Learning is a lifelong journey and it happens in many ways. Your child needs to see that you are open to learning yourself and enjoying their journey through their schooling years. Don’t be anxious about what you know and what you have to offer. You have much to offer!!!

• Know that learning more about parenting is what all parents can benefit from. Read books on parenting. Look up journal items etc. Gain information and be an ongoing learner in the field of parenting.

• Find creative ways to be family. Real learning comes from joint experiences. Rock climb together. Kayak as a family. Keep the adventure coming. Take a few risks together. This always strengthens the bonding and builds family confidence.

• An important and easy way to parent well is to set up stable routines. Here, I refer to meal times, chores, morning expectations etc. Routine gives you clear directions and everyone knows what the expectations are for all. Start early when the children are little.

• You know your child very well. Have faith in your gut and intuitive sense. Parents have a natural sense when it comes to intuitive matters. Rely on your good sense when talking and negotiating with your child. But be an effective listener!

• Be natural and accept your mistakes. Children respect you when you show your human face and act in an authentic way. Nothing is gained by false confidence or bravado. Show them it is OK to make a mistake and that you can grow and learn from making mistakes. You will be less anxious about making errors when you accept that making mistakes is a normal part of parenting.

• Being a strong, active presence in the life of your child is a powerful way to parent well. Never underestimate that such a presence presents confidence and reassurance with all its foibles and successes.

• You will see many models of parenting over the years. Some will come with outstanding qualifications and some will challenge you especially when your child says: ‘Mary’s parents let her go to the party!’

Don’t be put off by all the models of ‘would be’ great parenting. You are the parents. You are the rock and you have such sensitivity to your child, that can only be understood by the intimacy of being their parent. Despite the fact that you may not have all the answers, you are there for all the right reasons. Just ensure that you listen effectively and are prepared to appreciate other ways of seeing the world. With confidence, you are in the best position to deal with many and varied matters of childhood.

Over the years in my role as Principal, I saw many families crossing my door. It was always a joy to observe families who were closely bonded by the nature of who they were. These families enjoyed being part of their family where expectations were normal, understanding and tolerance strong and no undue pressure appeared to bother them. Family for them was a natural process, with all its foibles and successes. Being family shouldn’t be complicated and above all you, the parent have much to offer your fledglings.

         ‘Behind every young child who believes in himself is a parent who believed in him first.’

                                                                                           - Pinterest

Parent involvement reaps all the benefits

No doubt about it, when parents are actively involved and interested in their child’s learning, the child has an optimal chance of being successful at school.

When your child feels that their school life is connected to their home life and that parents enjoy and participate where possible, great expectations are the order of the day.

Here are some of the outcomes when parents show interest in their child’s schooling:

• A child will have a more positive attitude to their work when they know that parents are interested in what they are learning. This becomes a normal part of home life, talking about the activities and discussions held at school.

• Reading accelerates early when parents engage with them in reading at home. Keep books visible around the house and demonstrate to your child that reading is a natural family experience across the week.

• Parents interested in their child’s learning are always keen to be around at homework time. They understand that there are expectations set by the school and their support makes it easier for children to fall into the routine of doing homework.

• Interested parents are naturally encouraging their children in the whole learning process. Therefore, it’s no surprise that these children are developing an interest in learning and higher education.

• A parent involved in their child’s education also gains some joy from learning new ways and being part of the bigger life of the school. There is nothing more enriching than a school community in full swing.

• When school problems appear, engaged parents are quick to respond and given their insightfulness, problems can be solved more quickly and with less interference.

• Parents engaged with the school build a strong relationship with the teachers. This makes such a difference when issues occur. Teachers are more at ease with interested parents. They feel very comfortable talking to them.

• Talking about school regularly as a family builds a happy image of the paramount importance of school in the life of the child and family.

• A great way to support your child’s learning is to set an example by reading, writing and engaging in other learning activities. Children then see how you value the learning process for yourself.

• A parent is involved when they develop a communication style that invites questions, enjoys problem-solving and having open conversations. The more you show an inquisitive style to a conversation and invite alternative solutions to problems, the more you are teaching your child to think laterally and become a problem solver.

• Proudly boast your child’s school work by having pieces on display around the house. This shows your approval and praise of their work.

• Children who get support from parents do feel more competent at learning. Parent support gives them this boost. It also keeps their interest in attending school regularly.

• When parents show interest the child is happier and their morale is high. This affects their whole disposition to school. They are more inclined to be interested in engaging in more activities.

• Teaching children to value education and is solidified if parents are actively interested in their child’s learning.

Finally, enjoy the journey. You will learn so much from being an active participant in your child’s learning. Nothing is ever lost from exposure to learning and your child will feel more secure knowing that you are walking the path with them.

                          ‘If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.’

-Milton Berle

At what age should a child start at school?

This is always a serious question that parents ask and it does require some thought and primarily, an understanding of your child. I have seen many children start school far too early and this will bring some concerns that can have an impact on the child’s happiness level and sense of feeling connected and successful.

Here are some thoughts to get you thinking about the suitability of school for your child:

• If your child is age appropriate to go to school, generally this will give them the maturity to cope, especially with the prep year. Talk to your kinder teacher who would have an excellent understanding of their readiness.

• Keep in mind that whilst prep is all about getting familiar with the teacher and class, by the end of term one, teachers are working hard to get the children on the reading continuum. It would be fair to say that this can cause some concern for children who take longer. As the year progresses, there is marked acceleration with a prep class and the expectations will rise as the year progresses. Such acceleration is often driven by the excited preps who are doing well, converse easily and socialise well.

• Is your child developing language skills and some mathematical vocabulary? This is a positive sign when they comfortably can demonstrate such developing skills. Kindergarten focuses on number facts and language skills.

• As a family, are you ready for your child to start school? Think about support networks for the child. Is the home set up to enable the child to read at home and do school activities? At home is the child developing independent skills? Do they dress themselves, toilet properly and have some independent chores? The home and family settings should both show signs of readiness for school.

• Socially, your child should and will form friends over time. This can be an easy experience for some, but less mature children are often not ready to engage, converse and interact at a level that is of a faster pace.

• Remember that once your child starts school, the likelihood of repeating a year, if you believe that they need it, is strongly discouraged in schools. They will argue that it will interfere with their social world and give the child a sense of failure. Repeating a class has been done occasionally and in many cases, the child moves schools to make it more socially comfortable for them. It can be done successfully, but needs careful management and support from the school and parents.

• The prep year is a long year for your child. They will need to be prepared to be able to learn the routine, sustain a whole day of curriculum and keep up socially with the life of the school as it unfolds for them. Emotional regulation is important as many challenges appear across the school day.

• In prep, there is a high expectation from the teacher that you have a strong presence. They will invite you into various classroom activities and set expectations that you may help in the classroom. Once your child is at school, your world will change as you become an active participant in their learning and daily expectations.

• If your child is going to school in the new year, talk about the school, visit it with your child, drive past it regularly and chat about the exciting journey they will have. Which is excellent preparation work for their transition to school.

• Prep teachers are chosen with great care and consideration for the age of the children. You should feel very comfortable approaching your child’s prep teacher throughout the year. It is also important that your child sees you having a relationship with the teacher. This is all about building trust which is so important to your child.

Finally, a prep year starts with great excitement and anticipation of what lies ahead. Your child will mould themselves into the prep year. There will be some anxiety about making it successful. The best opportunities come when they are receptive to what is offered, are able to emotionally engage with the journey of friends and success and feel that they are in an environment that makes their parent’s happy. Your role in acceptance and participation in their prep year is critical for success. Their readiness for school will be linked to your preparedness to have your child at school.

         ‘Your education is a dress rehearsal for a life that is yours to lead.’

                                             -Nora Ephron

Using our language well

One of our greatest gifts is the power of speech. It starts from birth with simple sounds and some not so little. As we develop language, we listen and learn about what is said around us. Even intonations are often picked up from family connections and familiarity with people. Language can be used for good and sadly for evil. We teach our children how to use language from our own way of communicating and how we send messages to others.

When we use language effectively, there is so much more to gain and in its own right, it carries more power than blustering through conversations that are reliant on aggressive expression.

Let us think about how effective language can make a difference for your child:

• When you speak calmly and without raising your voice, people will listen with more sincerity. Louder more aggressive tones are often ignored or overrode by people who can become anxious with what is said.

• When you speak, stop and think. Just a little thought about what you have to say can make such a difference in the way you express yourself to others.

• When responding, keep a positive tone. Throw in a little affirmation and reassurance sometimes. ‘Thanks for the lunch. I really enjoyed my time with you.’

• Use words that are not harmful at all times. There are ways of expressing your displeasure, but be careful, using words that label will stick.

• Every now and again check your vocabulary. Can you increase it and find words that are more enriching when explaining situations to others?

• I have always said fewer words are better. This is true, especially if what you have to say is about something negative. Say it and move on. Repeating it does not give it extra merit.

• Children always look for reassurance in your words. Keep a mental check of how you are speaking to them and build positive thoughts about your children. Everyone loves to hear something nice about themselves.

• Remember the ‘I’ statements. ‘I am angry that you broke the vase. That was my favourite gift from my aunty’. When angry, an ‘I’ statement with a logical reason behind it is more effective than using poor language and just being angry.

• Play games like scrabble. They increase your vocabulary and teach your children the benefits of having a broad range of words as back up.

• Remember, when speaking, talk at a pace and a level of hearing that works for your child. Talking too fast may mean that they do not hear or listen to what you say. Choose a pace and volume that works.

• Do not use an aggressive voice when dealing with children. Hostility can be picked up from the voice and this can very easily intimidate and overwhelm your child.

• When your child speaks, become a good listener. Try not to interrupt. They need to express their thoughts in complete sentences and with time to reflect. Jumping in quickly undermines their voice.

• Practise expressing your words clearly. Avoid abbreviations and take your time saying what you need to say. Your child is learning from you, the art of speaking well.

• Monitor your body language when speaking. A lot can be said from poor body language.

• Try to focus when talking and not drift away onto other topics. Children will listen more if you talk about what is important and nothing more. Idol chatter is seldom heard.

• Speaking can use empathy and other essential emotions that are important in building relations with children. Use these motions wisely and not for manipulative purposes.

• Speaking well to children helps them shape their emotional development and builds relationships with others, A child who is spoken to with dignity and respect learns to like and value themselves.

• If children are surrounded by good language, their literacy skills improve immensely and their confidence in using good language grows. Such growth feeds into their self-esteem and the child feels able-bodied in independently talking about things that matter to them. A confident, well-spoken child is a joy to behold.

Finally, a parent who uses language as a skill that will give their child a better chance in life is a wise parent.

‘The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.’

-Ludwig Wittgenstein

Do you ever feel like you have hit rock bottom as a parent?

We all have those moments and sometimes they turn into hours!

In my work as a school principal, I was always noticing the major changes and adjustments that families made as time went on. Crisis can hit, but as time went on, circumstances shifted and new life came into what were very difficult situations.

Fear is often an issue with parents when they think about the worst-case scenario. They think about the dreaded, ‘What if’ factor. This can become quite a preoccupation. It can cloud common sense responses to situations and can limit a parent’s ability to open their minds to options.

Here are some ideas to keep you going and to remind you that being human, making mistakes, etc. is all part of parenting:

• Nothing is permanent. If you have a crisis or just hitting rock bottom, it will pass. Time has a way of shifting the ebbs and flows of life experiences. Everything has its season.

• Children keep changing and evolving. Their thoughts and ideas keep shifting and their needs and demands will change as we, the parents, change with them. Therefore, worrying unduly or overthinking about one issue is pointless. Sometimes preoccupying ourselves can mean the problem just disappears, without any of our interference.

• The problems children have are children’s problems, so I recommend putting things into perspective and worrying less. Children’s problems come and go and they often take charge of them themselves. Everything of course within reason.

• Your children will surprise you! When it comes, enjoy the challenge and try not to become anxious about its implications.

• If you are getting tired from just parenting, perhaps you are working at it too hard. Are you overthinking matters? Perhaps you are demanding too much control? Some of the best parenting I have seen came from relaxed and easy-going people who were quite happy to let things just be at times and not interfere too much with their children’s issues. Simply having a presence can at times be enough.

• Don’t forget to not lose yourself in parenting. Allow some time for yourself to develop who you are. The happier you are as a person in your own right, the better you will be as a parent. Think about exercising or doing some activity that gives you joy. Permit yourself to be a parent that makes room for yourself.

• If you are feeling overwhelmed, learn to reduce the pressure. Find ways to cut back on planned activities or slow down from adding to the list of things to do. Your child wants you as a happy parent, not a fatigued parent. Less is better when it all gets too much!

• Be honest with your child. If you are tired tell them. If you haven't the time to do what is requested, talk about it. Your child needs to learn and understand your limits. Be authentic with them and they will appreciate your honesty. This is how they learn empathy, compassion and tolerance. This is also about setting responsible boundaries that support your needs.

• If you are hitting a low point, seek out friends and companions that have a similar journey. A lot can be gained by having such a support group to call on. We all need to rely on others. Parenting has been around since the cavemen.

• Sometimes saying less when things get heated is the best way not to overcomplicate situations and tire yourself out. We often try to be available and solve situations on the run. Saying less and even silence at times creates some emotional respite which can be a calming time.

• If discipline is needed, are you the one to deal with it if you are not in the right space? Perhaps delay discipline if you are not able to deal with it at the time. You need to be well and in a good mental space to be disciplining children.

• Try not to be critical of yourself as a parent. You are doing the best you can. Don’t compare yourself to others. You can go into dangerous emotional spaces when you do this comparison. Your child loves and values you for who you are, warts and all so keep up with just loving your child and doing your best. By the way, I have never met a perfect parent!

 Finally play often with your child. The more you play, the less intense you are and that greater feeling of being connected to your child tends to wash away some of those feelings of it all being too much. Play is a wonderful healing agent. We all need to play from time to time.

         ‘Self care is turning some of the nurturing energy you give to your child, towards yourself.’

                                                                       -Kristi Yeh LMFT

Teach our children to be flexible and with this, determination

We live in a world that demands a flexible and open way of being and doing. The more obstinate and single minded we become, the more obstacles we have and the lack of interest people will show in our causes. This blog is a combination of thinking about flexibility and with it the importance of being determined.

Let’s teach our children that they can be flexible and when things don’t go their way, they can change direction, try another way and with determination, keep going. How many times do things go wrong and we are left with the question of what now? A determined mind and a disposition to be flexible and try a different way, shows stamina and invariably leads to success and most definitely more satisfaction.

Take for example a child who struggles to understand subtraction. Try as they might they just can’t understand how it works. In this case, if he decides to learn a different way or perhaps set up separate lessons with his teacher, he is showing determination and a flexible approach to solving subtraction. Here there is no defeat, but a stoic approach to getting on top of the problem. What great resilience to teach your child. What wonderful feelings of being successful a child will have.

 Consider:

• There will be times when a problem gets on top of you. Talk to your child about all the approaches you will try to solve the problem. Let them know that with flexibility and new way of thinking, the problem can be solved. There will be no walking away from the situation.

• Your child will need help from time to time. If it’s homework, avoid frustration and look for alternative ways to solve the issue. It may be a simple solution of just talking to the teacher. Either way, you let them know that it is important to get on top of the problem.

• When you see your child struggling with their toys, games etc, rather than putting them away making excuses like, ‘it’s too hard or you’re so tired’, try working on suggestions: ‘Let’s find another way to put that Lego together.’ ‘The jigsaw is tricky, let’s turn it around and start from the other end.’

Here we are saying that all is possible with new ideas and the belief that you can do it.

• How many times do we put things away to avoid increasing problems or disappointments? Show them that conquering the problem is the way to go using creativity and finding flexible tools. The reward is to complete the task which is so satisfying. Of course, everything within reason and a responsible parent knows when enough effort is enough.

Try to teach the principle.‘If we can’t do this, then we can have a go another way.’

Teach them that something tackled is worth finishing and that finding different ways around the problem is very satisfying.

• Children can often get disappointed because they discover that they are not good runners, or they are poor at spelling. This is where we move in by reminding them that you find other things that they are good at. Teachers are very capable of redirecting a child’s focus when they feel let down when they are not showing skill in a certain area. This is being determined to not be put down by failure, but redirecting one’s thinking to what makes you shine. It is also recognising that we cannot be perfect at everything.

• We all have losses and we all recognise that some things may not be obtainable but if we teach our children to be flexible and keep persevering, who knows where this life lesson goes? How many stories do we hear of brave acts such as sailing solo around the world with major disabilities?

A child who learns the value of perseverance and has an optimistic approach to solving problems in different ways is a fortunate child. They learn that having a go may mean failure but having another go, it might just work!

        ‘They can’t use up creativity. The more you use the more they have.’

                                                                           -Mayo Angelou

Watch out for the impostor syndrome that can creep up slowly

Have you ever felt that you were just not worthy of rewards or that you felt that people had misjudged you or that you weren’t as capable as people thought. Perhaps somebody else should have your position? Beware, this is called the impostor syndrome. This is where we tend to believe that we are fooling others and rising above our status and capabilities. It can be one of those syndromes that can start early and I have seen, in some children, a lack of willingness to take awards, or put themselves first, because they thought others were more worthy. A child can start to develop stepping back approach to and not expecting to be chosen because of their feeling of unworthiness.

Let us consider how we can ensure that our children reduce their feelings of insecurity:

• Always try to reinforce with them why they have succeeded. In this way you are being specific about their achievements. They are real and clearly being stated “Well done. You won that award because you can run so fast. It is a great skill of yours.”

• Encourage your child to put their names forward for all types of events and opportunities. Explain that better to be in the race than not.

• Talk about how you cope with feelings that others deserve it more than you. Perhaps you have had times when you were reluctant to put yourself forward. How did you handle it?

• Having knowledge that you are capable and that there are good reasons why you should be chosen is a key to being on top of this problem.

• Reinforce regularly to your children that we all have some fear about taking on new steps but that they are worthy and that they should feel proud of all their achievements.

• Sometimes it’s worth just listing all the capabilities your child demonstrates. Sometimes seeing it gives a strong message of their sense of worth.

• Talk to your child’s teacher and ask if there are any signs that your child is choosing to stand back from being chosen or is reluctant to put up their hands. Teachers are very good at bringing children into the scene and ensuring that their engagement in the class is full and healthy. The classroom is an especially important space for your child to feel strong and confident in themselves amongst their peers. So much of this impostor syndrome is about you feeling less worthy than others.

• Try to avoid put downs to your child. These are sure fired ways of making them feel less worthy. Words stick and can be remembered for a long time.

• Take care not to rush to negative talk when a situation develops. Here we are trying to encourage our children not to immediately focus on the negative. When a tricky situation occurs think about the positive first. Be drawn to thinking about good outcomes before honing in on the negative.

Finally, we all can suffer from being a little nervous but here we are trying to ensure that our children do not become conditioned to stepping back and feeling less worthy than others. A healthy dose of personal confidence and feeling of worthiness is what we seek for our children. It is a very healthy disposition to like yourself and feel achievable and worthy.

                   ‘Love isn’t something you have to deserve.’

                                                                                  -Jennifer Echols

Keep an eye out for perfectionism

Perfectionism is closely aligned to anxiety of various sorts. It can be triggered in many ways, but once it takes hold it can very destructive. It can become toxic. Children particularly can be affected by perfectionism. It may manifest itself when doing a test. It can be all about not completing work for fear of getting it wrong. It can also encourage procrastination where a child chooses not to make decisions. There are many irrational beliefs that a child can develop when perfectionism creeps in. I have noticed that first children can have reservations about completing tasks that are not good enough. Often, the second child was more relaxed, the first child showed reservations caught up with fear of making a mistake. Here it was about not letting anyone see their mistakes, the least of which was parents. Perfectionism holds you back from achieving your goals.

As parents, we can be partially responsible for our children having fears and doubts, as they do not want to disappoint us. This is very big in their mind, especially as they see how excited we are about their achievements. At a very early age, they see the excitement on the face of their parents when they are successful.

Consider:

• When affirming your child, try to comment on their efforts not focusing too much on the outright success. The measuring of success can make a child anxious. Sometimes good is good enough.‘You got everything right just like the other day. How smart you are.’ This can set a precedence where the child has to keep up the performance. Nothing less that perfect is what is required!

• Explain that nobody is perfect and it is all about the effort and outcomes that come from the drive.‘You certainly put all the effort into your work. Congratulations.’

• When you talk about your child’s strengths, occasionally mention those areas that they are working on.‘I notice how great you are at helping with setting the table. Thank you. Sometimes help with the dishes is good also. Let me show you the best way to stack the dishwasher’. Here we say we are always working to improve and learn new skills.

• Always state that you do not expect your child to be perfect. In fact perfection is a myth. It is important to articulate that to your child. Sometimes they simply need to hear it! Often! Remember perfectionism is all about earning approval.

• Use the rating scale. It comes in handy. Ask your child occasionally what number out of ten do they give themselves for some activity. Talking about the number reminds everyone that life is a work in progress. It is all about continuous improvement.

• Children love heroes. Talk about some of their idols such as sporting heroes and their struggles and determination to overcome being the perfect athlete etc. How do they manage being satisfied with their performance especially when they don’t win? How do they manage a lack of perfection? Where or how do they find contentment in their flaws?

• Sometimes simply making one mistake can be catastrophic and take over a child’s belief that they are a complete failure. We could call this self abuse! This is of course a major problem for some children. From an early age focus not on the performance but the effort and passions that your child shows. Affirm their contributions and applaud their recognition of other children’s efforts. ‘Well done. You tried so hard and worked so long with that project. Such endurance. It is also pleasing to see that some children also showed great creativity in their work.’ Teaching them to share the glory strengthens empathy. It defuses the        importance on the child as well.

Finally, children learn from an early age to compare themselves to others. Many external influences are out of your control. Your role is simply to remind them by word and deed that they are a special individual and that performance is not a measure of how successful they are as a person.

‘Perfectionism is the art of never being satisfied.’

                                                                                          -Unknown

10 strategies to get the best from school as the year begins

Now that your child has started school, think about what we control and what we don’t. There will be many challenges for your child in the classroom but they are their challenges and we simply listen and encourage them through the process.

1. You will have many pressures on you as the year progresses. You can start to say ‘no’ so that you scrutinise what you are doing. This will give more time identify what is important in the family and with your child. Start discerning what is really important so that you can unclutter your time.

2. Your child is back at school. Make everyday a learning day. Listen to what they tell you after school and enjoy all the new learning that comes their way. Be excited and interested in what new aspects of school life they have discovered.

3. When you talk to your child about school days, keep in mind that their world is to be owned by them. Be an active listener and not invasive in helping them solve their problems. Be a consultant and listen with interest.

4. Keep up healthy morning rituals to get the children up and running. A strong, consistent morning routine helps them stay focused and get to school with the least distraction. This is especially important for the more anxious child.

5. Don’t be angry in the mornings. Make them a happy, stable space for the child in getting ready for school. They need to go to school in a happy disposition. Otherwise, a child will only contemplate that angry feeling over the day, which will limit their opportunities.

6. Try to keep insignificant matters down to a minimum. There is much to absorb when school starts and the more insignificance we bring into our time, the less we focus on the important things. Keep things simple and uncomplicated.

7. Be careful not to dive into saying things that could be best left unsaid. You will hear much from your child when they come home each day. Listen and process the information. Pause and think before you have an opinion. They will pick up your judgement very quickly.

8. As the weeks and the year unfolds, you will learn much about the class, teachers, etc. you may change your opinion over time. Take care not to be too opinionated early in the year. Your child needs to make their own judgements and learn from that experience.

9. Concentrate on the present situation at school. Try not to worry about future issues that may occur. What is surprising, is the twist and turns that happen over a school year. Much is unpredictable and we cannot plan for it. Just enjoy the moments as your child finds their way through the first few weeks of school. Everything is a discovery.

10. When you hear some negative talk, try to give the school the benefit of the doubt. Schools work very hard to build strong foundations with parents and often what you hear may not be the truth. Your child needs to feel that you trust and have faith in their school. This gives them the reassurance they need every day. Let the school year be a growing time for your child with all the optimism and hope that it can possibly carry for the year.

‘Optimism isn’t a belief that things will automatically get better, it’s a conviction that we can make things better.’

-Melinda Gates

A few thoughts about what your child wants from school this year

School is such an immense part of a child’s life as well as having a major impact on the whole family. Of course we expect it to be a time that fulfils many objectives including stimulating a child’s imagination and developing a love for learning. We have high expectations when our child steps into the school and we trust that the environment will be a good fit for our child.

What make a child happy when at school? This is important as we now happy students are motivated students.

• They need and want to be an active participant in class. This gives them credibility and a feeling of inclusion.

• A busy school with plenty of activities excites and stimulates a child to become actively involved. Schools should not be docile places.

• Every child needs to feel appreciated, to regularly have affirmation and acknowledgement for their efforts. No one copes well without feeling that they are capable of success and that they are recognised for their efforts by others that they value.

• Regular success feeds the desire to keep learning. A school that focuses on success is a winner.

• A child needs to be in relationship with other children. Developing friendships is critical to a child. Their social world is such an important part of their emotional growth. In a school setting, a child can have a powerful journey in building relationships over the years.

Here are some basic thoughts to aid and abet your child getting the best from school this year:

•      Listen well to what they have to say

•      Be available which may mean adjusting your busy schedule.

•      Be a parent and not a friend which at times may take you in a different direction.

•      Let them take ownership as much as possible independence is key to better learning.

• Talk about school regularly and postively so that it comfortably intertwines with family life.

• Remember that it is their school and their journey, which means at times you may need to step back and let them work through issues themselves.

• Read everything that comes home from school and talk about all the activities available. Show as much interest as you can in what your child is doing at school.

Finally, for your child to be happy and get the best from the school you need to a be a parent that presents a happy face and shows great pride in all their endeavours.

Good luck family in starting the new school year!

          ‘It’s one of my favourite seasons of the year: back to school.’

                                                                                       -Dana Perino

Start the year understanding ourselves better

Consider what is holding us back in many ways. If we are always focusing on helping our children, we also need to think about matters that we can turn around in our own life.

Sometimes we preoccupy ourselves with self doubt. We are quick to think its too hard, too difficult or not within our realm of capabilities. We have a tendency to inflate the threat in our mind and this can cause a shutdown of interest, in pushing further with the idea or activity. Show your child that we can manage self doubt by focusing on positive feelings about achievement. If your child sees how you push ahead with determination and avoid the negative feelings that make you doubt your ability, they will learn to be determined and start to develop a non defeatist mentality.

Beware perfectionism. It’s a killer when it comes to living comfortably around all sorts of things on a daily basis. It can make you feel vulnerable and never satisfied, anxious about not completing things. Even if you have this tendency, talk to your child about how it can make life difficult for you. Show them that perfectionism can bring you down and take care not to put too much pressure on them. Remind your child that they are good enough to do all sorts of things and they should take up opportunities where possible.

Remember that we have moments of feeling socially disengaged ourselves. Sometimes it is easier to stay disengaged and not put ourselves out there with others. Talk to your child if you have these feelings and tell them how you are working to solve them. Being socially engaged is critical for self development. Keep an eye on your child’s swings as your role is to motivate and encourage their social skills across many groups.

Remember we are not perfect individuals. As adults and parents we have all the usual fears and phobias that anyone can have across the years. The challenge for us is to be honest with our children and let them see that life is a work in progress. You are working on your own agendas and by inviting your child into learning about the strategies and tactics you use to help you, real understanding and teaching occurs. Your child loves you implicitly. They will be very sympathetic and will understand your journey better if you keep them in the loop. Rather than letting your child live around your own struggles and challenges, allow them in to see how you work on feeling better, getting better and setting goals. They are very sensitive to your emotional triggers and the more they understand about what presses your buttons, the more tolerant they are to the situation.  

You will be surprised how their developing empathy and love can do a lot of good for all the family. 

                   ‘I don’t want my children to follow in my footsteps

           I want them to take the path next to me and go further than

                   I could have ever dreamt possible.’

                                                                               -Picture quotes.com

8 dos and don'ts as your child starts school

This is a busy and exciting time for your child. They are about to be bombarded with a new class environment and all that involves. Now is a time for you to give them some space in the early days of starting school.

Consider these thoughts about a few don'ts at the beginning of the year.

1. Let your child settle in. Try not to ask too many questions especially in the first few weeks where your child is just getting their head around the changes.

2. Don’t set too high expectations so soon into the year. Your child will learn how the dynamics of the classroom works, they are in the early days of forming a relationship with their teacher and this may take some time to solidify.

3. Don’t put excessive demands on them at this stage of the year. They will have new demands on them which will take time to work through in their mind.

4. Have a presence at the school but give them space. They will be busy forming relationship or reacquainting themselves with friends. This can be a sensitive matter for some children.

5. Try to keep the social life of the family to a minimum in the first bracket of the year. Your child will come home from school tired and needing time to reorientate themselves to a new school year. Plenty of sleep and a balanced program is the best.

6. If you have queries about your child’s teachers, classroom situation etc. don’t speak too openly about your concerns to your child. They are forming their own opinions which will ultimately impact on their learning. Talk to your child’s teacher and be discreet about the nature of the conversations. Early opinions can often be wrong.

7. Everyone takes time to come out of holiday mode and into schools and routine. Don’t be too critical if it takes them a little time to reorientate. We all need adjustment time. After all it’s still Summer!

8. Try not to comment on their friendships. These may be changing and your child needs time to sift through all the children that are now part of their circle. Their emotional growth will come from being discerning, making mistakes and learning how to sustain friends. Remember they are not your friends.

 Finally, these first few weeks will not look like the last two weeks even of this term. The classroom environment will evolve over time. Be patient let the grass settle and let your child find their roots in the new environment of school they are embracing for 2023. Teachers always plan term one as being a very flexible term, where they expect the unexpected and begin to build harmonious relationships with the children. All this takes time.

                           ‘Slow and steady wins the race.’

                                                                 -Robert Lloyd

Is bullying an issue for your child?

Sadly, this is an area that we are dealing with across all schools. From time-to-time, schools develop great policies that seem to work to protect the victim and to change the behaviour of the offender. However, they can break down and once a child feels the pressure of repeated bullying, it can become quite a consuming and damaging part of their life. In many cases it is not forgotten.

Of course, there is the argument that we need to toughen our children to the real world. I would agree with this, except bullying has an incredibly damaging impact on a child’s wellbeing, which can be lasting and have major impact on a child’s sense of self-worth. A child’s school performance will drop quickly if they lose their sense of personal confidence.

Here are a few ideas to keep you focused on the issue of bullying:

• When chatting with your child, listen to any statements being made about feeling less interested in school. Of course, there are obvious signs such as bruising etc. but sometimes a child wants to simply not attend school because of the passive aggressive pressure being placed on them. Gently ask questions to establish why they have lost interest in school.

• If you suspect some bullying, take care not to be too direct in questioning. That can sometimes scare them off. Also, they fear that your interference can make it worse. This is a big issue with children not disclosing bullying, if they think their parents will intervene and overreact.

‘You seem unhappy with school now. I wonder what makes you feels so sad?’ Ask gentle, general questions.

• A child needs to feel that when they tell you about it, you are really listening and not just treating it lightly. When a child is bullied, they need reassurance and faith that their parents will take it seriously.

• Of course, overreacting and wanting to solve the problem by approaching the bully yourself is not the answer. If your child thinks that you will deal with it that way, they are more inclined not to tell you. Take care not to be the person who solves the problem on your own. That behaviour does not make for a better parent.

• Listen carefully and get an accurate picture of what is happening. Let them talk about their feelings and ask them to be specific about the bullying.

·       Who is doing it?

·       What are they actually doing to your child?

·       How often does it happen?

·       When and how does your child deal with it now?

• Sometimes children can be vague about the bullying because they are anxious and feel interference will make it worse. Go gently and gain accurate and specific information. Try not to put thoughts in their mind that their behaviour has caused this to happen. However, try to learn what aggravates this behaviour.

• Discuss the actions to take with your child. Give them strategies but also go straight to the school initially deal with the teacher and discuss how it will be handled. A Principal will most often refer this back to the teacher who understands more about the dynamics of their class.

• Your child needs to be aware of all the actions that needs to be taken and what the school expects of them. Read their school policy on bullying very carefully. It will contain expectations on the part of the one bullying and the victim.

• Ongoing discussion with your child will ensure that they know you are concerned and that no one rests until the bullying has stopped. Keep in regular touch with the school to ensure that the action has gone away. If still unsatisfied, talk to the Principal.

• Discuss with your child how they are feeling and have they learnt any strategies to deal with such issues in the future. Whilst we all have strong feelings about consequences for the one bullying, we want our child to learn how to prevent further bullying occurring.

• Keep in touch with the school to be satisfied that the issue of bullying is still being addressed. Bullying can transform itself in various ways and creep back without ongoing maintenance from the school and parents.

A child has a fundamental right to feel safe and to be treated fairly and respectfully. Schools and parents need to work together to ensure that emotional, intellectual, social and physical safety is a given at their school.

‘If children feel safe, they can take risks, ask questions, make mistakes, learn to trust and share their feelings and grow.’

-Alfie Kohn

Learn to have some fun

There is not a lot written about the value of being happy but we know that there are some wonderful psychological advantages to just having fun. Here I make the distinction to humour. Within fun we can have a lot of humour. It is present when we become excited or find something that makes us feel good.

Teachers know that when an element of spontaneous fun is included in their day or week, the mood and temper of the children increases tenfold. Many teachers would also say that the presence of fun builds trust with children. A child feels secure when they see their teacher relax and display a happy spontaneous style in the classroom. There is something honest and healthy about simply having some fun.

Let’s think about the value of having fun with your child:

• When you have fun together, you show your child that there is a child in you, the adult. Bringing back the child in you is a positive life-giving thing.

• We are always trying to be in control. It is a massive driver for us as responsible parents. How about letting go sometimes and simply have some spontaneous unplanned fun with your child. It could last five minutes or much longer. It does not make you a less reliable, organised person, but it shows your child that having fun is alive in you.

• By having fun together you are bringing yourself to the same level as your child. This is quite a moment for both of you to share.

• Children will remember the fun times. Nobody wants to remember the serious times. They simply bring you down. However, being a fun-loving parent is memorable.

• To be an effective adult, one must also understand the lighter side of being human. We need to have fun as well and we need to show our children how we enjoy it. It is a well-being component built into our DNA.

• Fun can be any form of having a wonderful time together. Let it be spontaneous, which may take you away from routine and schedules sometimes. It can be a short sharp moment of fun. If you look around it is not hard to see the fun side of so much of life. Point it out to your child.

• We often talk about how important it is to play with your child. Similarly, it is important for developing good mental health that you simply have fun. It can only bring out the best in you and there are no boundaries there with your child. It can serve as a quick pick me up when moodiness is around and it can lighten the spirit when feelings of sadness are prevailing around our children.

Try to build in a bit of fun over the week. It could be as simple as tickling on the couch, throwing pillars around the room or blowing bubbles through your drink. No one said it has to be sensible.

        ‘Let go of preconceived notions and prejudices. Expect surprises. Expect miracles’

                                                             -Michael Joseph

Are you prepared to change your opinions?

Are you prepared to change your opinions? We all have our way of doing and thinking. We all develop opinions and have preferences and dare I say it, biases. It’s natural. It's all part of building your own way of being. How often do we meet people and have an instant belief of who and what they are? Do we along the track learn that we are always right?

Are we sometimes challenged about our opinions and when do we demonstrate an open approach to learning and changing perspectives?

These thoughts are inviting us to reflect on how opinionated we are around our children. No mistaking it, they know what we feel and what we think is acceptable etc. They know our biases and recognise our preconceptions. So what, I hear you say, isn’t that about giving them our values and what is good and wholesome about us?

Take care because we can be incidentally teaching them about certainty, mistrust and a sense of arrogance in being right.

The following thoughts help us to be a little more open in our ideas, where we can see the value of questioning and humility at learning something new. It teaches we are open to rethinking and reevaluating our much loved beliefs.

• Try to develop an inquiring attitude to life. Rather than making bold statements about what you believe to be right, introduce questioning. ‘I wonder what is making people angry to be in that protest. Let’s look at the concern they have.” Here you have room to discuss and also put your opinions in a safe place.

• Listen to the strange and wonderful things that your child comes home with from school. Don’t be shocked, but rather invite conversation about what is on their mind. You can learn much from what is said and what is not said!

• When you see something controversial on the media, feel free to talk about it and show interest in the various positions held by different people. Here you show your child that you are not a closed book when it comes to holding a position. You welcome conversation, you hold a position but you are prepared to listen to others.

• We all think we are wise about matters. After all, we have age and experience behind us. However, we are often not as wise as we think we are, but we can be very wise if we are prepared to occasionally reflect on new thoughts and change your understandings. This is a powerful lesson to children. If we are prepared to reflect and occasionally change our opinions, we teach them about open mindedness and flexibility. It shows compassion and lack of arrogance.

• Talk about people that you admire who have learnt and changed opinions. Talk about the courage it took to make such a fundamental change to their thinking and perhaps living experience.

• By all means tell your child that for a range of reasons you have certain opinions that you believe are true and that you hold dearly. A child will know what those are generally. However, show them that you a listener and always open to hear the other point of view. Nothing is permanent. Life is always on the move. Circumstances change and society shifts with laws and opinions. You want your child to see all the variants and to keep healthy questioning going.

• Our prejudices are a liability. A child will soon learn that our opinions can be locked in time and may have no real place in current society. That is definitely not the case if they see how you are always questioning and that you are prepared to take on new information. They will respect your opinions if they know they come out of thought provoking questioning and probing.

‘Am I right here?’

‘Could I be wrong?’

‘What new information do I need to know?’

‘Is there more information that I have not read?’

This questioning implies that you are open to learn new information to inform your opinions. Perhaps you don’t have all the answers, but ongoing questioning can either further inform your opinions or change them.

For a child there is nothing more liberating than an open minded parent. They need such a refreshing environment when growing through so much change in their life.

‘Try being informed rather than opinionated.’

-Anonymous