Children who find school a struggle

Many children have times when they feel they are struggling not just with school but also with friends, home issues, siblings, etc. Children can and do have down times. It’s natural. Also there are some children who really find the process of school difficult academically and socially. There are many shades in between but it is reasonable to say that most children will have some struggles along the way. A proportion of this is acceptable, but when it gets out of hand it is necessary to intervene but effectively.

 Consider:

• If your child has outbursts of frustration then these must just happen. Sometimes frustration comes out through poor behaviour, moodiness, etc., but these feelings need to be expelled. It is their way of letting you know how poor they feel and they want you to have that same feeling. Best to let it happen and gently talk to them:

           ‘Seems like you have something on your mind. You are so upset.’

Here you are giving them a chance to simply talk about the matter. You are not asking the question, why?

• Creating space when tension builds is a great vehicle for a child letting off steam and it gives you the parent a chance to process what has just happened with the outburst. Many a time in the classroom, when tension was building up, we all went out for a quick run on the oval. It was an amazing way to break from the stress and it set the scene for a new direction. Fresh air and a quick walk can make all the difference for all parties concerned.

• After a child becomes reactive you cannot go straight into conversations,  trying to make sense of what has happened. They are simply not listening at that point and probably will not hear the logic of what you are saying. In our best interest we want to understand the behaviour but think about yourself after you have been quite upset, do you hear what people are saying to you? The same happens after shocks. That immediate follow up time is a time when listening is non existent.

• There is a tendency to naturally help our children excessively especially when we see them struggling. Whilst your assistance is needed and valued it, should be tempered with the child learning about failure and accepting that we learn through failure. However, a child must have feelings of success along the way. So I appreciate the care and balance you make as a caring parent when helping your child.

• Keep the school close to you. They are the key figures in formal learning for the child. They set homework and should take responsibility if it is too much for the child. Homework is very secondary as a learning tool and should not come between you and the child. Remember you are not the arbitrator of what the child learns. You are the loving parent giving reassurance.

• Helping your child put organisation into their life is a great way of supporting their learning. Many children can get overwhelmed by the school’s expectations and if you gently assist in helping them plan out the week this can reduce pressure.

• If you have a child inclined to build anxiety quickly then consider slowing down the expectations for the week. Tailor those expectations to suit how the child is coping and be flexible when it comes to domestic expectations etc. A change in pace can make all the difference for an anxious child who lacks confidence.

• Plenty of sleep and exercise is a critical dimension to a child’s life. Sometimes when a child is struggling at school they may have success through sport and they feel so much better.

• Try not to keep asking how are they going at school? They will tell you in due time. Asking too often can only encourage them to shut down and not talk about school at all. After all who wants to talk about feeling a failure? Turn your questions about school into a positive framework:

             ‘You seemed happy coming out of the classroom, I wonder what that was about?’

Classroom teachers are very conscious of providing daily balance for the children throughout the whole week. This balance is all about ensuring they have successes and they learn from mistakes. They should have moments of feeling good about their achievements and moments of being socially well accepted. It’s all about the right checks and balances and so too is our parenting, especially with those children more vulnerable.

‘There are two gifts we should give our children, is roots and the other is wings.’  

A helpful child is a useful thing. I guess?

There has been some recent research released from Latrobe University stating that children that do jobs at home develop into more rounded individuals capable of taking on responsibility and managing themselves well. That sounds wonderful and why not engage your child with home duties? There is quite a lot to learn for a child taking responsibilities in the home not the least of which is that they occupy the home space and should take some ownership.

This article is to invite us to find the balance of a child having home duties and to take into consideration all the other responsibilities and pressures that are on a child. When working with children myself a significant factor in supporting them was to help them overcome their sense of being overwhelmed by all the social pressures and other demands in life.

The home should be a place of rest, safety and feeling secure in a child’s own skin. Of course duties around the house are important but should not overwhelm the child nor should they become a battleground with parents. I stress this as I have seen many unsettled children grow unhappy due to demands at home.

 Consider:

• Plan jobs together as a family and check in regularly as to how they are going. Gives lots of affirmation when a job is done well.

• A regular family meeting should not become a tense bun fight because jobs are not done well. At these meetings negotiate with your child around suitable tasks that are fair and reasonable. Understand that a child’s expectations may be different.

• If your child has a busy week at school or extra demands on them in some other way, consider modifying your expectations around the house. We all need respite from tasks from time to time.

• A child is more willing to do tasks if they see the value in them. Tidying their room is often not a value they care about and can often become a sore spot with parents. Talk to your child about what they see is important around the house and relegate those tasks to them.

• Try to not discuss tasks that are not done in front of other people. Try to create an environment at home that is inviting and happy for the child. Discuss with them your concerns in private with an attitude to listen well to your child.

• As the child grows older the tasks will change and always keep in mind that a child is less interested in spending time with the dishes then being outside with their friends. Therefore, encouraging them to support you must be handled carefully.

‘Let’s do the dishes quickly so that you have more time to play   with your friend.’
Here you recognise what is important to them and you use encouraging ways to help them. Showing this support goes a long way with the child who sees that you still expect the job done but understands what is the real driver for your child. You have no expectation that they should love doing the dishes.

• As the child grows into a teenager there are of course more expectations to be placed on them but remember that for a teenager to enjoy home it should be filled with happiness and understanding as it is too easy to escape the scene. Jobs should be allocated fairly and in consideration of the teenager’s changing expectations. Who knows any teenager that likes home jobs!!

Finally, a supportive word for the child. We all only have one chance to have a great childhood and this should be filled later with memories of happy experiences and a home that is not punitive but just and loving. It should be an environment where the child takes adequate responsibility in a space that invites negotiation, is open to change and willingly listens to concerns.

Long may home duties exist for a child but finely balanced so as to not stifle the joy of childhood.

‘A home should be a stockade, a refuge from the flaming arrows of anxiety, tension and worry.’

                                                                                     -Wilfred Peterson

Feeling overwhelmed? It can happen to our children.

As the child grows from infancy to early childhood to adolescence, they are developing their ability to process information. This is a slow and steady progress and one which enables a child to understand and interpret the world they live in. To some degree, we simply take it for granted that our child understands and interprets the world and its surroundings the way we do. Not so!

This is where we can sometimes fall short of understanding where our child is at. They are processing at a different pace to us and will interpret situations based on what they see and understand. It is well understood that if a child is on the spectrum, they can easily be overcome by too much stimulus and the best way forward is to slow down what you put in front of your child. This actually applies to all our children. Do we expect too much of them when they are still absorbing and processing all sorts of information? It can easily be an overload.

Teachers are very skilled in planning their teaching to accommodate what the child is capable of interpreting and they set their expectations understanding that each child is on a learning continuum that continually shifts. An overstimulated and noisy room can be a deterrent to some children’s learning. Overtalking and presenting too many things at once can confuse and make a child feel vulnerable.

Think about your child and their ability to process what you say and how you ask them to do. The more we understand and reflect on their ability to process information, the better we communicate with them. We then begin to set realistic goals and enjoy the fruits of their labour.

Consider the following:

• The younger the child, the slower the processing and therefore it is important to only introduce new concepts one at a time. A child will listen and respond well if they are understanding the simple uncomplicated instructions.

                   For example,

‘Can you please pick up your toys’

‘Can you please pick up your toys, put the box in the corner and then help me set the table?’

Too complicated makes it too hard to follow the directions and so the child is lost in the maze of instructions.

• Get acquainted with how your child processes and choose the best times to give instructions.

• When reading stories together, talk about the sequence of events in the story. This helps develop their sense of processing information.

• Of course, the older the child, the more we expect them to process bigger slabs of information. This will vary from child to child and it can be a source of anxiety if the child is not keeping up with class expectations. If so, talk to the teacher about this matter.

• When a child feels overwhelmed by too much information, they simply shut down as a defence. When this happens, slowly unravel the details to make it more understandable to the child. Can you make things simpler so that the child comprehends the situation?

• Some children simply process at a slower pace than other children. There is nothing wrong with this as they often are children who want be accurate and get things right.

• When a child feels overwhelmed by too many instructions etc they can lose their confidence and feel a failure. We need to reassure our child that the pace of processing is irrelevant. We need to listen and take in some information slowly. Working at an almighty pace is not the goal to success. We live in an overstimulated world driven by speedy technology which seems to suggest faster is better.

• Understand that from time to time your child will feel overwhelmed. Help them by breaking down what is troubling them so that they can find a simple way of working through the issue.

Finally teaching your child to take things a little slower and smell the roses is not an easy lesson in today’s world. However, if you demonstrate how being more relaxed and less overwhelmed gives you a sense of personal satisfaction, it helps immensely.

‘When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, its our job to share our calm, not to join them.’

                                                                            -L.R.Knost.

Always keep the bright side of situations as your focus

How quickly we fall into disrepair here when it comes to looking at the sunny side of life. Some of us are wired to see the negative and focus on the disadvantages of situations. Negative information can attract us a lot quicker than positive information. We seem to be drawn to details that make us unhappy and anxious. There is some belief that being drawn to the negative was a safety mechanism for survival thousands of years ago when early man was all about simply surviving.

Nowadays we do not need those cues and our modern world can easily play havoc with our anxious moments and negative impacts. Social media is a perfect example of how we can become anxious and feel negative.

Consider the following to help you as a parent modify some of those negative responses:

• Parenting come with a sense of being cautious and protecting your child. That is why we sometimes become more negative and question decisions etc. for the sake of the child. Try to decipher in your mind how valid are your fears when reflecting on what is best for your child. Keep in mind that your child will grow when exposed to challenges and try to look for the best in those challenges.

• Your parenting is at its best when you are just doing your best under what circumstances are in front of you. Trying to be the perfect parent comes with a lot of stress and negative feelings of not being good enough. Remember the best style of parenting is when you are happy and accept that your efforts are good enough. Parenting will shift according to your human condition at the time such as tiredness, fatigue, work overload, etc.

• Try to recognise how quickly you resort to negative thoughts when dealing with your parenting. Are you able to shift mental gears and see the positive side of what your child is asking. The more you understand about your reactions, the more you will let some sunshine into your decisions.

• Remember that it takes practice to change the way you process your thoughts. Your first reaction as a parent is to protect, but look beyond this to see how your parenting can be more about listening and negotiating with your child. Bring in the positive thoughts in your discussions and try to see where you child is coming from with their ideas and demands.

Finally, learn more about yourself when you react to situations. If you learn that you are quick to be negative, try to slow it down and see the light in what your child is saying or doing. Be less afraid of taking a risk and letting in some positive thoughts.

                             ‘If you have good thoughts

                             They will shine out of your face like Sunbeams

                             And you will always look lovely.’

-The Twits. Roald Dahl

Being credible is such an important part in parenting

We build our relationships into healthy vibrant relationships when we have built up trust amongst others. It is as simple and as complicated as that.  Children have a natural disposition to trust their parents, which puts you in a very precious and precarious position if at any time that trust breaks down. Younger children trust implicitly, but as the child grows older and they question and probe how we think and challenge our beliefs etc, this is where trust comes into play so importantly.

Teachers are always in the firing line with children if they are not credible and as such their ability to teach is limited. Credibility builds trust and a teacher is in a wonderful situation to teach when they have the trust of their students.

Parents start off with automatic credibility with their child. As they mature and start to question, they will of course challenge you but still expect you to be credible holding all your values true to yourself.

Consider the following ideas that remind us of our credible role in your child’s life:

• Your relationship with your child will remain intact if to them you are seen as a credible and consistent person. It will not only remain intact but it will grow existentially.

• Your child relies on your credibility to gain verification for many aspects of life. What you tell them and how you express your beliefs is an important model to your child when they start making choices on their own.

• A child will be more interested in checking in with you as they grow older if they find you to be credible. There is so much constant change in their world. Sometimes just coming home to what they see as true and credible can be the best option. Especially in times of confusion.

• Given your credibility with your child there is less worry and more reassurance from the trust you give and take from your child. Anxiety can easily spread when doubt comes into play.

• Being credible does not mean that you cannot be flexible, vary your ideas or even head in alternative directions. That thread of credibility is all about being true to yourself and to others being authentic and human at the same time.

• There is nothing more comforting and reassuring than connecting to a credible person. In the fast-moving world that is ever changing for your developing child, how satisfying to feel that you their parents can be trustworthy and reliable when so much around them is shifting directions. You remain the axis upon which they gravitate.

By nature of being a parent you are invited to present such fine qualities as credibility and trust to your child. Never underestimate that such an opportunity is also all about developing yourself as a fully rounded, emotionally intelligent person. Like it or not parenting forces us to grow up!

‘To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.’

                                                                             -George MacDonald

Are you planning everything around your children?

The answer could simply be yes as our children have busy, demanding schedules with school, outside sports activities and friendship demands. Of course, we feel the expanding pressure of always being available and ensuring that their outside school needs are met by us. There is a common belief that providing a full complement of activities outside the school will be satisfying for the children and will demonstrate how effective I am as a parent in ensuring that my child is offered all that is available.

 Beware. This can be a trap where as parents we want only to have our children fulfilled and active throughout the day. Whatever happened to simply just being as a family and not setting busy expectations for everyone. Downtime with the family is a vital time to replenish the family spirit, refresh relationships and simply enjoy each other’s company. There is a lot to be learnt from each other and of course, this will come with sibling tensions, disappointments, misunderstandings etc. However, what a time this is to learn more about tolerance and differences with each other.

 A family is by nature a medley of people who are stretching and growing in a space that is built around trust, love and companionship. With every stretch will come a strain and a new challenge in how the family operates as a whole. When teachers set up their classrooms they are every conscious to provide special times where the students simply learn about each other and grow from what they learn. Teachers realise that the best learning comes from exploring each other through exposing them to challenges and opportunities. Accepting each other’s differences is a big part of growing as a team.

Consider the following thoughts on why relaxing more as a family with less constraints feeds the soul of the family:

• Unstructured family time can lead to the children exercising their own imagination in what to do.

• Don’t be afraid about doing nothing. It’s amazing how emptiness can quickly fill when children are involved.

• By providing some quiet family time that is unstructured you are telling your children that it is legitimate and mentally healthy to simply be as a family without set agendas. The unchartered waters of unstructured family time can mean many things to different members of the family.

• Provide a climate where children can visually see the possibilities of playing board games, reading, scrabble etc. Let them be the ones to choose how best to fill that family space. A home that is inviting to children is one that gives them opportunities to create and is easily accessible in many ways without obsessive controls.

• Most busy families set priorities for the day. This enables routine and daily planning to run smoothly. This is all about being productive which can lead to feeling overwhelmed. Start thinking that a priority across the week is to simply plan for relaxed, unstructured family time where an element of peace is the goal. Sometimes late on a Sunday may be the best time. Build it in with as much authority as other major activities for the week. Let your children know that it has a significant role in the plan of the week and has substance.

Talk about this family time as important to you to simply have a presence with your children. In today's world there is instant gratification and immediate response as a sign of the times. It needs to be taught to your children that simply just hanging out together with no agenda or planned expectations is healthy and valued.

                                    ‘In every conceivable manner,

                                     The family is the link to our past,

                                      The Bridge to our future.’

                                                                                     -YourTango

Being a mum - something to think about

Over the many years of being a principal and having such deep involvement with families, I have huge respect for the role women play as the mother in the family. Yes, it has a special place in everyone’s heart. I have learnt some precious realities in watching mums raise a family, live with it and through it, suffer all the hardships, carry the weak moments and rise above the troubled spots. Now that’s being a mum!

As a treat and a time to reflect on your importance and value, consider the following awareness that I have acquired watching and observing mothers over the years:

• No matter how the days and weeks pan out, you are still a pivotal point in the life of your child. That is an absolute.

• Across the day, a child thinks and talks about their mum quite often. Mums are very much part of their daily thinking in and out of school. Thoughts of their mums rarely leave their consciousness.

• Have you ever seen how your child looks at you? Those powerful glances where they seek your approval and know that therein lies ultimate truth. They can rely on that truth.

• When your child is annoyed or irritable with you, it is often because they don’t like the fallout with someone so precious in their life. Their balance is skewed and they want you front and centre in their consciousness.

• Your journey with your child will have many roads and some a little challenging. Whatever the path, it is a journey that you share together and is precious to you both. Along the path, there will be troughs and smooth paths but together you will navigate the best route forward in rain and sunshine. Just follow that yellow brick road!

• The unconditional love you have for your child has such incredible potential. Are there are many things where unconditional love is valued more? Your child knows this feeling and gains immense feelings of security and well-being from it.

• Being a mum should be fun and even though it can express all the emotions from fatigue to anger, joy to sorrow, would you have it any other way? Try to build in more fun. Nothing happier than to see play and joy between mother and child.

• That little individual you have given birth to will, one day independently take part fully in life. Your influence in this is immense and lasting. But remember if you hold onto their hands too long, they cannot come back to hug you.

• Once a mum always a mum and then a grandmother and then just a powerful wisdom long lasting in the life of the family. What a treasure you become to so many overtime!

• Your journey as a fully rounded individual must be attributed in part to being a mum. Think of all the lessons in life you have learnt since becoming a mother. Your rich sense of compassion, empathy, astuteness, selflessness etc. must have all been stimulated by what you have learnt along the way, especially during motherhood.

Finally, find time to celebrate your motherhood. Have a special bath, a glass of champagne, an extra run in the park, whatever makes you happy. You deserve it and thanks for helping to shape good mankind.

          ‘Being a mother is about learning about strengths you didn’t know you had.’

                                      -Linda Wooten

What will your child remember about you?

As your child grows and the years swiftly move on you will notice that the things you say and what you do is quickly forgotten and replaced with new thoughts, plans and directions as a family. Do we fixate too much on the smaller details of each day? Time seems to work against us as we busily engage with our children over the years. They are preoccupied with years full of different agendas and the shifting demands that are placed on us. What do our children really think about us? Are they aware of all our efforts? Do they remember the little details and the extra efforts we make over the years? What is their level of appreciation of us the parents?

No matter what effort you made, your child will never forget how you made them feel about themselves. They will have images in their mind of how they felt in your presence and how you treated them and valued them as people. These are lasting images and will influence their longer term memories of their childhood and of your parenting. No pressure!

Think for a minute of your favourite teacher. What did you like about them? I am sure that how they treated you was a big part of your longer-term images of them.

The following thoughts may help you feel less pressured and happy in your own faith as an effective parent:

•  Little mistakes don’t really register in the longer term.

• Being a parent with the best intentions is good enough. If things do not go perfectly as planned so be it. Children need to learn that disappointment is part of growing up.

• Always watch the way and the intent of how you talk to your child. Be consistent in how you discuss matters. Changing tactics becoming angry etc. will unsettle your child.

• Your child does not expect you to be perfect. In fact, they like your natural style and value your honesty when making a mistake. Such honesty and ease in apologising, reassures them that you are human and will be empathetic to their needs.

• Whilst it is important to affirm them regularly, they also appreciate your honest appraisal of some of their activities. Listen to their concerns and be available for consultation when asked. Try to involve your child in as much decision making as possible. The more they feel part of the decisions, the more they engage and feel connected to the story.

• In making your child feel good about themselves, you need to be honest and open with them. They deserve honesty and value your truth when at times it comes with disappointment and loss. What is a parent if it is not to rear and nurture a happy, healthy individual born from the experience of being a happy child?

• Your disposition also has a strong influence on how your child feels and copes around you. The more they feel welcomed and find it easy to engage with you, the happier and more fulfilled they feel. It may seem strange but your style of parenting plays heavily on their sense of feeling valued and developing a healthy self-esteem.

• Think about what your child says about their favourite teacher. It is interesting to hear what makes them happy in being around them. No surprise that it will be linked to how much they feel valued and can trust their teacher.

Finally, just relax and take stock of all the good ways in which you parent. Don’t be troubled by small stuff, but keep your eye on the ball which is the longer-term gain of having reared a happy child whose memories of childhood will be warm and comforting thanks to you!

          ‘A happy childhood is perhaps the most important gift in life.’

                                                                    -Dorothy Richardson

Let’s teach our children to enjoy what they have and not seek out more

This is such a hard lesson when we live in a society that has so much. It is natural to want to give our children the very best of toys and games and of course the latest technological gadget. Fierce competition can exist between children when their peers seem to have the latest and the best.

No easy task for parents who want to teach their children how to enjoy what they have rather than seeking out the next improved item. We all seem to have a strong connection to stuff that we accumulate and of course of which we have sole ownership. Teaching our children to value what they have and to be less anxious about the next item to come along can be a difficult task.

Here are some thoughts to help in this area:

• Demonstrate how you are less possessive with your material things and happy to share with others.

• Perhaps you have prized old toys from your childhood. Talk about its value in travelling with you over the years.

• If you are a conscious recycler, it is wonderful to teach your children all about how waste items in the house are recycled. This is a great teaching tool about why we recycle plastics etc.

• From time to time, you may have clean outs in your child’s wardrobe. Talk about how they can be handed done to other children or sent to second hand shops to be reused. Hear it is all about developing in the child a desire to put new life into old items.

• When sorting toys, especially with younger children, talk about how much enjoyment the child has got from them and ensure your child takes ownership for the care and storage of their toys. Once children value their stuff they are more inclined to want to enjoy them for longer.

• Encouraging your child to play freely and use their imagination is a great way of relying less on toys.

• Suggest that they make their own items of play. This can be a fun way to enjoy the spirit of play without the stimulus of highly stimulating toys.

• We all have heard that having more makes us less interested in what we have, so teaching your child to reinvent their old toys into new forms of play can be a creative activity.

• Giving children exposure to the great outdoors and can be as simple as the backyard is opening up new avenues of play. Why not encourage toys to be taken into the garden, relocated into the bathroom when old or simply rearranged to create a new look for the toys. It’s all about being creative and teaching how material goods can take on new meaning.

• Your home is a perfect space to be showing the children how you manage the stuff that comes into your life. Your example when it comes to managing goods, collecting items etc., will have a strong influence on their developing perception of material goods. Especially how they are to be understood and managed.

• The curriculum in most schools does cover recycling, major environmental impacts etc. Your child will learn about environmental sustainability which will support and complement how you manage such matters in the home.

Finally, your home is a great space in which to teach children about the value of goods such as toys, and books. It is about making conscious efforts to awaken in the child an awareness that the old can be new again.

‘When you choose to collect EXPERIENCES rather than Things, you’ll never run out of storage space.’

                                                                       -Mum’s Little Explorer

The importance of getting support when needed

As parents we simply don’t have all the answers. Just when we think we are on top of matters, our child surprises us with new challenges. They are growing all the time and with that growth comes new interests and new exposures to different experiences and challenges. We need to be ready and prepared as our parenting changes to accommodate our growing child.

It is mentally healthy to recognise that seeking help is an excellent response when needed.

Think about it for a moment. How you talk and parent a seven-year-old will be completely different to how you parent that child when turning fourteen. Who gives you the advice as your parenting needs to adjust to a child who is on the path to seeking independence and demanding personal space, independent thinking etc? This article is to remind you, the parent that seeking advice and help is a natural part of your ever evolving growth as a parent. You see we have to change as well as the child.

 Sometimes we can develop irrational thoughts on seeking advice.

Negative thoughts could include:

• If I cannot manage my child’s behaviour, I must be a failure as a parent. I don’t deserve that feeling when I try so hard.

• If I am in control I would not be at loggerheads with my child and feel useless in managing their behaviour. Why do I have these feelings of inadequacy when it is my child who has behaviour problems?

• I am embarrassed that I cannot manage my child and other people must consider me a bad parent.

• Perhaps my child is really bad and I have done a poor job in rearing them. Perhaps it is my fault after all.

These irrational thoughts can steer us aware from seeking help.

 When you seek help:

• You demonstrate that you value education. The more you know, the more capable, calm and confident you are in understanding the situation for what it is. It is a sound thing for your child to see that you are keen to learn more about parenting.

• It shows you care enough about your child to go beyond your own fears and seek others out for advice.

• It also demonstrates that you can recognise that there is a problem and that independent support is to be valued and respected.

• It shows your maturity in recognising that there are many ways to solve problems and using experienced support will be welcomed.

When seeking help consider places such as your local school and of course talking to your child’s teachers. They are wise enough to understand that home behaviour can be different from school.

Nowadays it is not difficult to look online for parental support and everything from psychologists to the local councils, welfare agencies etc. often run courses to help parents.

 By engaging such support, you will:

• Realise that your parenting is normal. There is no such thing as perfect parenting.

• They will provide moral and emotional support.

• They can help you work out a plan to address your concerns. Organisations can give you other networks to assist as well.

 Above all consider:

• It is normal to come across roadblocks in parenting. In fact, expect them from time to time. They are challenge points.

• As children grow their needs change and this will naturally challenge your parenting.

• It is mentally healthy to recognise that seeking help is an excellent response when needed.

Throughout your life as a parent, you are learning how to parent. It is not a static process and just like any form of learning we all need good teachers.

‘Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.’

-Charles R Swindoll

Differences in families

Did you notice that when your child started school there were many external influences that started to influence your child’s behaviour? Sometimes parents can become anxious when their child comes home, spouting different values from other children. This can be quite off putting for your family, especially as you have worked so hard to provide the best climate for your child in which to grow.

Well, we can always home school if we want our children to not be exposed to other thoughts, ideas and opinions. Of course, such an act will limit your child from being part of the real world. So, I believe embracing the differences in a responsible way is the best response.

 Consider:

• You are the most significant model for your child, especially in their early years. How you model your behaviour and life beliefs has the greatest value for them. However, a child will explore other values that they see and hear and, in some cases, admire. Be consistent with yours.

• When your child talks about what other families do and you don’t, best to listen with interest and talk about how that family embraces different concepts. If your child sees that you respect other families and their differences, they are more inclined to take you seriously.

• Take care not to criticise other families and their habits. That makes a child more curious to learn about the differences.

• Be inclusive. Your child will bring home friends that may challenge you in some way. Be accepting of who they bring home and do not be exclusive, especially with invitations for parties etc. Let your child see how you accept everyone with all their differences, but you strongly celebrate your own.

• Sometimes your child may talk about differences they notice and admire in other families. Listen with interest and ask questions. This is a great time to discuss how families have their own unique culture.

• Teachers are conscious to move children in their class onto different tables across the year. This is done to give all children exposure to each other and to learn from each other in different ways. Even if your child comes home angry that he is sitting next to the unpopular kid in the class, you can use this as an opportunity for him to work harder and learn about someone who is clearly different. We learn so much more about each other from adversity. It is very easy to enjoy likeminded friends. With others less likeable, we must develop more demanding social skills.

• There are many school-based occasions such as sports day, carnivals etc., when you as a family can meet a new set of parents and children. Let your child see how you seek out new people to meet and greet. Show them that being inclusive widens our thinking and demonstrates emotional maturity.

• When your child talks about a new friend they met at school, or chats about how they tried to include someone new into their group, affirm them.

‘I am so proud that you included that sad child into your group. How generous you are and what a difference it will make to them.’

It is a positive way of reinforcing the value of inclusion into a family of friends.

There is much to be learnt when a child starts school. Their emotional and social growth is all the richer for embracing the wonderfully rich tapestry of different families across the years.

‘It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognise, accept and celebrate those differences.’

-Audre Lorde

When home life changes

We all know that personal assurance for children is so important in their life to give them a feeling of being safe and secure. However, life can sometimes interfere with the perfect journey of children from birth to adulthood. Life can change in an instant or it can be slow and a gradual relinquishing of feeling secure. Shock can enter the scene and some children have many facets of grief to work through over time. No reasonable adult wants this for their child but life can change and this will involve the children.

It is a natural consequence that their sense of security and well being will be affected. They will go through many emotions including:

• Were they at fault?

• What about feelings of being left alone?

• Are they still really loved?

• Feeling insecure and less capable individuals.

 Their list goes on but overall, the child feels fragile and a great sense of loss.

The parent will be experiencing a mixture of feelings themselves and may rely on their children for emotional support. Feeling vulnerable as a parent means that emotional expectations will be high for the child.

 Consider:

• Always reassure the child that they are loved by both parents. It is most important to comment on both parents.

• Reassure your child that the breakup was not of their doing. They are free of any responsibility. Keep reassuring your child about this fact as they can quickly slip into a belief that they caused it.

• Keep home life stable as is possible. Make sure that the child knows exactly where when and with whom they are on each day. They will become quite anxious if there is instability and frequent change in this area. Even being on time for pickups is so important to offer reassurance to the child.

• Remember that one on one time and quality listening time with your child is important while crisis is underway.

• Let them talk and give them time to express themselves about what is on their mind. Often a child will go quiet when crisis hits. Best to keep the conversation flowing.

• Behaviour can change as the child deals with their anxiety. Be tolerant and patient when you receive mixed messages from poor behaviour. School performance can suddenly drop off and interest in outside activities can diminish.

• As adult emotions under crisis can be expressive, try not to criticise or talk badly about the individuals involved. A child listens and will be quite confused and talk less when there is unhealthy dialogue around people they love.

The key point is to provide ongoing love, understanding, reassurance and stability in difficult times. Try to remember that whilst you are going through a personal crisis, there is no avoiding that your child will be experiencing emotionally charged times. Accept that you will need support and so to your child. Rely on family support and networks that will minimise some of the impacts. All support is welcome.

‘In family crisis, parents have the opportunity to show children not to fear life uncertainties but to meet them head on Together, strengthened by unity.’

-Elle C Mayberry

Catching good behaviour isn’t that difficult

 We certainly are quick to notice the behaviour that troubles us. We have an immediate reaction to stop it and deal with the matter which is annoying us. How often do we reward our child in spontaneous ways? Do we notice the various spontaneous occasions that can be rewarded and often through different ways?

Never underestimate the value of the positive words you use with your children. There is a clever way of getting even smarter with words and that is by picking up on spontaneous positive moments you notice.

‘You certainly have good manners. Thanks for passing the bread so quickly.’

‘I love the way you close the care door gently. It is good manners.’

‘I notice how you listen to your friends when they tell you, their stories. You are a very empathetic person.’

‘What a gentleman. You carried the groceries in to the kitchen.’

‘How happy you make me when I see how you care for your little brother.’

‘Thanks for picking up the mess. I am just too tired.’

‘You are such a fair person when you play games. You always share with the other person.’

Note that all the above are incidental statements that can be said on the run. The trick is to notice behaviour at a deeper level and comment on how they impact on you or are just simply noticed qualities you admire. The use of good language is important. Sometimes we forget to praise behaviour that is actually building emotional maturity. This involves affirming their generosity, kindness to others, empathy to children. If you think about today’s experiences, were there occasions where you could have simply noticed something you like about your child?

Once a child realises that you notice and appreciate them in different forms, they are more inclined to repeat that behaviour. What you notice about them is how you define them. Their sense of how they are valued comes from how you treat them and especially the words you use to describe them.

There are many ways to listen to your child and one special way is to affirm them in subtle ways.  You are listening to their rhythm of life and celebrating what makes them special.

‘Affirm people. Affirm your children. Believe in them, not in what you see but in what you don’t see. their potential.’

-Stephen R Covey

Respect the difference each child brings to the family

How often do we hear ourselves uttering how different our children are?

We often ask the question,

‘How can they be so different and yet they come from the same family?’

‘Why is my second child so different in temperament to my first child?’

‘Where did I get these children from?’

So many confused and challenging thoughts go through our minds when we reflect on the often-profound differences we see in our children.

There is a different mixture of genes in each child and this will provide a variety of personalities, physical differences, etc. Also, each child has different experiences in the same family especially given their order in the family. They will often see the same situation in a completely different way.

Talk to the first child and they will tell you about expectations placed on them. Sometimes a second child takes more risks and is not so uptight and focussed on perfections. And so, the variation goes on.

What we need to keep in mind is that each child is an individual and will expect to be treated as an individual with understanding and empathy to their special temperament. Treating all children, the same may not always work.

Have you noticed that when you have your second child your parenting changes and this means that your second child will be treated slightly differently? There are multiple variations in how we parent over time and this is all part of the shifting tapestry of family over the years.

Consider:

• How you parent should and will be different for all your children.

• Children who tend to be active, unsettled and strong willed will require more attention and parenting will need to be focussed with lots of understanding and boundaries.

• Celebrate their differences. Make it clear to all the family that you love their differences and that each one is a special individual. This is important as sibling rivalry can easily start up when differences are highlighted in a negative way.

• Sometimes more demanding children will need more of your attention. This is normal and can sometimes make parents anxious that they are not giving enough time to quieter, less troubled children. You are human and can only spread yourself so far. It is just a fact that some children need you more. It happens in all families.

• Tap into each child at a special one-on-one time. A child loves this time and it helps them feel personally connected to you.

• A child loves their one-on-one time with you the parent and also, they love their connected time with siblings. Try and provide a balance so that the family enjoy stable happy times together where their individualism is still given room to grow. The more we acknowledge their differences, the greater symmetry you have as a family and the more understanding for each other is expressed.

‘Kids don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember who you are.’

-Jim Henson

Consider avoiding confrontation where possible.

As children grow older, you may find it better to avoid confrontations and find different ways to amend the situation. Confrontation can be a damaging process for all involved. This is also about being proactive where possible. The less confrontation you have, the better you feel and the overall happiness of the house is maintained. More conflict or the anticipation of potential conflict makes for an unhappy situation.

If your child is inclined to be confronting you about requests you make, consider temporarily delaying the discussion until they are more inclined to listen and work with you over the matter. Finding the right time for both parent and child can make such a difference to the outcome.

Also plan ahead. If you anticipate that your child will react to your request have early discussions about what you expect and how you will help your child reach those goals. Set the scene so that it is not such a big surprise later.

Give your child choices. For example, ‘It is important to clean up the room so that you can go to basketball training’. Make it a clear statement that one action leads to the other. Your child might create their own choices that work for both of you.

Some children need you to be very specific and say it as it is. Without clear directions and consequences, it is difficult for the child to grasp the extent of the problem. Of course, from time to time it is important to sit quietly and actively listen to how they feel about a range of matters. Children who can be confrontational need frequent discussions as they are often quick to be reactive and need your gentle listening skills to understand how they deal with frustration.

In working with children who were quick to be confrontative, it took some time to build a relationship and get them to trust that you were a listener and understood how they felt. They needed to feel reassured that you were not quick to react when you heard things that might make you unsettled. Far too often quick to react children are labelled trouble makers and they often fit that pattern and become easily labelled. Bad experiences beget bad experiences.

 Sometimes parents like setting up contracts with children. I am not a great fan of this method but it can work if both parents and child feel comfortable about the process. Don’t forget to affirm your child when they honour the contract. It is most important here that they feel recognised.

 ‘I statements’ are a clear message to the child about how you feel and don’t forget the wonderful effect of positive ‘I’ statements.

 ‘I really appreciate you cleaning up the yard and now we can find more time to play together. That contract really works.’

Above all understand that confrontation is sometimes necessary. However, with careful planning, strong effective listening and an empathetic approach to your child, the impact of confrontation is reduced.

‘Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.’

-Dorothy Thomas

Who has rights in the family?

Everybody has rights in a family. No one is excluded from having rights, no matter what age or disposition. When we reflect more deeply on this, it can help us put things into perspective. Often, we can be overwhelmed by our role as parents and unsure about our rights in that role. We can sometimes wonder about the vulnerability of our children and what part we play in making them secure. Where do we draw the lines of responsibility and accountability?

A child has a right to be physically nurtured and this includes providing food, shelter, emotional security, etc. They also have a right to grow up feeling safe and secure. This safety is all about physical, sexual and emotional safety.

A child also has a right to be educated and intellectually stimulated bringing them to an independent, happy adult. These rights sound practical and logical but we all know that there is deprivation in some situations. As a responsible parent, it is comforting and reassuring to know that you are honouring what is an expectation from society.

From time to time, as a parent, it can be frustrating when you feel that acting in a strict controlling way may be reducing their liberties. Are you treating your child in an appropriate manner? Is it acceptable for me to control punishments and cause unhappiness?

 The best advice here is:

• If you are disciplining fairly and justly with an understanding of a child’s needs by active listening then you are acting in the best interests of the child.

• Parents have rights. These include deciding on how you will rear your child subject to the aforementioned child’s needs.

• As a parent, you can look at the standards of behaviour that are acceptable to you. Using discipline is acceptable and once again all seen in the context of the rights of the child.

• Surprisingly I would add that you have the right to find time for yourself and nurture yourself. Such self-care strengthens good parenting and is necessary for personal satisfaction.

• You also have the right to be treated with respect and dignity by your child. The best way to set this up is to model the same behaviour to your child.

Over the past few years, schools must develop a Code of Conduct. This includes understanding the rights of children, the dignity of staff, community needs, equal opportunity etc. It is quite an exercise and staff take time to study and develop their Code of Conduct.  Once developed it is a living document practised by the school. Whilst families don’t formally develop such documents it is good to remind ourselves that as family, we need to live around each other sensitive to each other’s rights.  By setting comfortable boundaries that come with understanding and flexibility for the growing child, we set up a safe environment for everyone.

These rights simply remind us that both children and adults should be given special priority as human beings. The more we model sound parenting with an understanding of a child’s growing and changing needs, the better the return in how they respect and treat us in the long run. Good modelling begets good modelling.

‘When we don’t stand up for children... then we don’t stand for much.’

Marian W Edelman

Just going with the flow could be the best option

We all like our sense of organisation and certainly. Being in control gives us a feeling of security and no doubt provides stability for the children. Having said all this, I believe that this year we may need to be more flexible and learn to go with the flow a little more.

Accepting that this flow will change as our pandemic twists and turns into different challenges may be the safest route to follow. After all, if we remain rigid in how we organise our lives, we will only experience disappointment and this will add to diminishing your mental health.

Schools have learnt over the past two years to be more flexible with timetables and to plan for the unexpected. This has taken its toll on the staff and school community, but they are now aiming to be one step ahead of pandemic changes. Also, they have educated themselves on the implications of the virus and how to best provide for children’s safety. So, the new norm is all about setting and resetting new directives that fit into a more flexible world. Schools see change as a normal part of life and so too do the children.

Be open to chaos and embrace its freedom. It is amazing the wisdom that will flow.

Consider the following thoughts to encourage reflection on an easier flowing year.

• If you are a long-term planner, such as planning by terms, allow some flexibility with that or at least have in the back of your mind how you can adjust.

• Talk to your children about how planning from time to time may need restructuring which ultimately improves the status quo. After all, you may have a set route to travel in your car but on occasions rerouting is necessary.

• Read the news that gives us a clear update of any changes or planned Government changes. This will help you make better-informed decisions on how you as a family operate.

• Take care not to be too publicly negative about unsettling news.  Children need the truth, but it can be framed in a way that implies the situation created will ultimately strengthen our knowledge and management of the virus. After all, no matter what you think, people are generally trying to make things better. It is in our nature to improve our situations and science has shown some extraordinary developments in such a short time.

• On your family calendar when you hear of something positive happening such as the arrival of RAT kits for everyone, record it on the calendar. It is such a positive sign for children that good things are happening. Strange that we may be recording such a situation, but times are different and our new norm requires a rethink of what we value.

• Children are surprisingly very versatile. As we grow older, we become more rigid in our thinking. We become more secure in what we know that has been tried and tested. Talk to your children about how you are open to being more flexible and invite them to make suggestions, especially when things need to change. They are creative individuals who need to use their creativity, especially in today’s unstable world. Let them in on your planning.

Finally, we all like a little control over our life and yet chaos brings new challenges and lifts our horizons in many ways. It refreshes our thinking and cognitively enlivens our thinking process. Be open to chaos and embrace its freedom. It is amazing the wisdom that will flow.

‘Problems disappear when we are willing to be flexible.’

-Roxanne Jones

The last breath of our summer holidays - let it linger longer.

As we enter the last phase of our summer holidays, I imagine there are many thoughts going through our minds about starting up again in 2022. What will this look like we wonder? How can I give hope and joy to my children when there is still so much around that is a cause of anxiety? Let me remind everyone that the Summer is still with us and so too the last breath of the summer holidays. So, enjoy! Don’t let them be compromised by anxious preparations for the new school year.

 Consider:

• Now could be an excellent time to take time to talk with your family taking stock of all the relaxation and fun you have been having together. What have you really enjoyed about these holidays?

• Discuss how you can get the best out of the last few weeks before routine begins again.

• Now is also a time to start some gentle talk about what you as a family have put in place for the year. Does it include more holidays? Are their surprises, celebrations that need planning together? Talk up the positive aspects of the year that you are looking forward to.

• Perhaps you can start the talk about how the vaccine has influenced our world. It will be important to discuss the plans you have to combat the virus and provide safety for your children. This reassurance is important as they contemplate school.

• Are there some fun habits that you have developed as a family over the holidays? What can you bring from the holidays into your daily routine?

• Some of our best weather comes into February and March. Can you plan some special weekends ahead once school starts? This eases the children more comfortably into the year and reminds them of the balance between work and family leisure. It can be quite a sharp contrast going from summer holidays back to school.

• Schools are starting to awake for the new school year and I appreciate that planning for school will come into the next few weeks. Tap into it gently and keep the lingering of Summer longer in the mind of the family. A child will learn best once refreshed and feeling secure with their family surrounds.

• We hear on the news, daily statistics regarding Covid. It can feel overwhelming and certainly puts a damper to a day’s start. Control the news around the children. A day should be started enthusiastically and without anxiety for a child.

Above all the child will get the best from this year after a great summer start. Give it a boost of enthusiasm in the last few weeks and above all give them a sense that 2022 will be a year of much more certainty and hope.

‘The tans will fade but the memories may last forever’.

                                       -Town and Country magazine

The holiday- a time to simply let go and what does it mean for when we return to normality?

If we were to evaluate how different we feel in holidays we would surprise ourselves. Do you notice how more patient and tolerant you can be? Do you also recognise in yourself how problems seem to be less and everyone in the household does not seem to be on edge? Such a relaxed situation seems to change, once routine and work enter the picture.

This blog is all about capturing some of those warm and happy holiday feelings and consider placing them in your normal day to day life. Imagine taking some of that wonderful holiday feeling and transferring it into your daily routine. It’s possible, but it does require working at it and setting a few simple goals.

          Consider:

• Have you enjoyed being happier with the family in holidays and perhaps less stressed or worried about the little things that go wrong? If so, consider adopting a less stressed feeling at home for the whole year.

• Do you find that at home you can be short of patience especially when you are tired and the business of work is back? Try allowing more time to pass when things go wrong rather than seeking instant resolution.

• Start noticing all the great fun things you love about your child. Often in holidays, these seem to be clear and we enjoy each other a lot more. Bring that holiday happy feeling into the home. Keep noticing your child’s gifts and this will slow down feelings of disappointment when they come.

• When we are back at home and school has started, there is a sense of needing to get better and performing as best we can. Competition enters the scene. There is a subtle but real set of expectations with your child that creep in once school has started. Try to put less emphasis on the need to perform, but rather feel happy to celebrate what they are doing. The outcomes will still be great.

• In holiday time we seem to be less aware of simple mistakes. We are more relaxed and think less about errors. Can you bring some of that feeling into your post-holiday home? The more you create a home where there is less stress and reduced focus on correctness, the happier the environment.

• When on holiday we tend to speak in less harsh tones to each other. The world seems more at peace. We relax more and enjoy simpler less complicated situations. Is it possible to bring that style of speaking into your home so that there is less damage in the words used?

• I imagine there has been more spontaneous laughter over the holidays. Keep it up at home and enjoy a happier space throughout the year. Laughter feeds into a healthy mindset for everyone.

• With holidays we treasure the time we have together. Is it possible to build in personal time together once the children are back at school? Was it so difficult to slow down and could that feeling of working at a slower pace be adopted at home?

Holidays give us such opportunities to enjoy our family in a whole new way. If we can reflect on what worked so well in our family, is it possible to bring some of that holiday feeling into your daily routine when life goes back to normal? Can we see that holiday experience as part of the way we really want to live all the time?

‘If you want your children to be educated read them fairy tales.

If you want them to be more intelligent read them more fairy tales’

Albert Einstein

There is so much fatigue in worrying

How much time do we take up worrying? In the climate we are now living in, it is not difficult to slip into excessive worry. When we allow it the liberty to take over our headspace, we are often quite sad, tired and can easily fall prey to fear. Worry can destabilise our life and certainly detract from building healthy relationships.

Our children quickly pick up our emotional dispositions and this can induce their own form of worrying about us as a stable source of reliability.

As parents, the best we can be to our children is to be a stable, constant, happy influence, that proactively and responsibly embraces life, no matter what the climate we live in. Children feel secure when their parents feel secure. It’s as simple and as complicated as that!

Consider the following thoughts that invite us to hold a positive, hopeful disposition that acts as a stable framework for our children.  

• Keeping humour alive in the family is key to making everyone feel at ease. A little laughter a day sets off the right mood for feeling well mentally.

• Be authentic with your children. If you need to talk about the latest issues regarding the pandemic talk truthfully and ensure that a sense of hope is included in the discussion.

• Talk to your child in a warm way. Keep anxious voices away from little ears. It is amazing how the tone of your voice sends messages to your child.

• Get plenty of rest and don’t feel guilty about that! The more you are rested, the better your mental and physical wellbeing. By looking after yourself you are in the best place to offer a stable, happy parent image to your child.

• Exercise and play sport with your child. Such physical experiences together set off positive messages to the brain that all is well with the world and with us.

• Be aware of social media, television, news etc that cycles around your family house. With so much negative talk about the virus, a child can easily get clouded by shock news that easily sucks away happiness from their day.

• Be open and invite conversation. Listen to what your child asks about the issues that unsettle them. If they feel there is an invitation to talk, they will be more open especially about awkward topics. In today’s climate, they need the reassurance that they can have a voice.

• Be intuitive. If you see an opportunity to engage with your child, take advantage of it. This could happen through merely picking up a ball and kicking it to them, sitting with them as they work on their Lego, a fun group hug together. Worry is reduced through spontaneous, happy experiences done on the run.

• Read books together that make you both feel good. Sometimes just enjoying reading and not focussing on developing learning is so invigorating.

• Don’t be frightened to slow down. Does your day have to be so crowded? Hopefully, we learn a lot from our relaxed beach holidays. Less can give us much more as a family.

‘Worry less, Smile More, Don’t Regret

Just Learn and Grow’

                   -Unknown