It is important to speak well to your children

Speaking well to children is a language all its own. Children register very quickly from what you say and how you say it, what kind of value you place in them.

Here are six sound reasons why speaking well to children is important and it also highlights damage that can be caused if we do not speak well.

Building Self-Esteem

• When children hear positive words and encouragement, they feel valued and loved. This helps them develop a healthy sense of self-worth.

• However, harsh words can make children doubt their abilities and feel unimportant, leading to low self-esteem.

Fostering Emotional Security

Kind and understanding words create a safe emotional environment. Children feel secure knowing they can express themselves without fear of judgement. However, negative communication can make children anxious or fearful, feeling like they must always be on guard.

Encouraging Positive Behaviour

Praise and positive reinforcement motivate children to repeat good behaviour and make better choices. However, constant criticism can lead to rebellion or a lack of motivation to try their best.

Developing Language Skills

Hearing rich and positive language helps children expand their vocabulary and communication skills, crucial for their overall development. However, exposure to negative or limited language can hinder their ability to express themselves effectively.

Modelling Respectful Communication

Children learn by observing. Speaking well to them teaches them how to communicate respectfully with others. However, if children hear harsh or disrespectful language, they might imitate this behaviour in their interactions.

Strengthening Parent-Child Bond

Positive communication fosters a strong, trusting relationship between parents and children, which is the foundation for a healthy family dynamic. However, negative interactions can create distance and weaken the parent-child bond, making it harder for children to confide in their parents.

When a child feels confident to talk to you about important matters and when they are relaxed in how they communicate with you, this is a sign that you are speaking well to your child. All they want is to feel safe through your dialogue and welcomed in your conversations.

“Speak well to your child and they will speak well back.”

— Gail J Smith

Let’s find ways to help improve our children’s language skills

Recent research published talks about the danger of children losing valuable literacy skills due to too much screen time. It is true that the more screen time a child is exposed to, the less language they hear and the less skilled they are in speaking, listening, writing and comprehending. A child needs to be exposed to language as often as possible. Their vocabulary should be growing daily and their understandings of conversations and their use of language should be a regular daily event. After all, our use of language is a deep reflection of ourselves. Here are some helpful ideas to get you thinking about ways to ensure that your child has regular exposure to good language.

• Establish clear limits on the amount of screen time allowed each day, including time spent on devices, watching TV, and playing video games. Use tools like parental controls or screen time management apps to enforce limits and track usage.

• Create designated screen-free zones and times in the home, such as during meals, family gatherings, and bedtime. Encourage conversation and interaction by keeping screens out of these areas and times. Make clear rules about when and where screen time is allowed.

• Be a positive role model by demonstrating healthy screen habits yourself. Limit your own screen time, especially when interacting with your child. As a family focus on sports activities, games etc. that are a wonderful alternative to docile screen time. Be an active outdoor family where possible.

• Provide alternative activities that promote language development and communication skills, such as reading together, playing board games, doing puzzles, or engaging in imaginative play. Encourage outdoor play and physical activities that stimulate language skills.

• Make time for meaningful conversations with your child every day. Ask open-ended questions, listen actively, and respond with interest and enthusiasm. Try to talk less and let your child be a dominant talker from time to time.

• Make reading a daily habit by incorporating story time into your child's routine. Choose a variety of age-appropriate books that capture their interest and stimulate their imagination. Encourage active participation by asking questions and discussing the story together.

• Minimize background noise from TVs, radios, and electronic devices, as it can interfere with language development and comprehension. Create a quiet and calm environment that allows for focused listening and communication. The less noise and surround sound, the better.

• Expose your child to a rich and varied language environment by incorporating vocabulary-building activities into everyday life. Use descriptive language, introduce new words, and encourage your child to use language creatively. How about introducing new words every few days. Celebrate when your child uses those words.

• Be mindful of the content your child is exposed to on screens and ensure that it is age-appropriate and educational. Choose high-quality programming and apps that promote learning and language development. Be selective in this area.

• Foster opportunities for social interaction and communication with peers, family members, and caregivers. Arrange play dates, join community activities, and participate in group settings where your child can practise social skills and language use. Let them rely on their language to connect to others.

Be a family where language is a major way of communicating used frequently and valued as a major source of communication. Let your child see and experience that through using good language skills they gain the attention of so many, are valued for their skills and recognized as having something worthwhile to say.

“The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.”

— Ludwig Wittgenstein

Managing our anger around our children

We all find ourselves angry from time to time. When we are around children. it is so important to manage and control our anger, especially when dealing with concerning issues. Anger is a powerful force. Dysfunction arises when you use your anger to hurt yourself and others. A child will read into our anger not the least of which is disapproval. Extreme anger can be frightening and is a violation of your child’s right to feel safe. Therefore, understanding that anger must be well managed around children is important for all parents to grasp.

Here are some positive reasons why managing anger well benefits relationships with your child:

Emotional Role Modelling: Children learn how to manage their own emotions by observing their parents. When parents manage their anger in a healthy and controlled manner, children are more likely to adopt similar strategies when faced with challenging situations. This is all about emotional intelligence. The more we understand that anger can be destructive and useless in resolving matters, the more we are using our emotional intelligence.

Healthy Communication: Managing anger fosters open and effective communication within the family. When parents express their feelings calmly and respectfully, it creates an environment where children feel safe to express themselves. This encourages healthy discussions, problem-solving, and understanding. When a child feels safe, that anger will not be a feature of discussions and telecommunications are more inclined to be honest and engaging with parents.

Positive Conflict Resolution: Every family faces disagreements, but how parents handle conflicts directly impacts children's perception of conflict resolution. By addressing issues calmly and constructively, parents teach children that conflicts can be resolved without resorting to aggression or hostility. This is where we listen with sincerity, negotiate fairly and affirm your child for engaging in this process. It works for everyone in the family.

Emotional Safety and Trust: Children thrive in an environment where they feel emotionally safe and secure. When parents manage their anger, they create a stable and nurturing atmosphere where children know they won't face unnecessary outbursts or unpredictable reactions. This fosters trust and allows children to approach their parents with their concerns and fears. Living in a household of no fear guarantees a happy and inviting space in which to grow and prosper.

Promoting Self-Esteem: Children are sensitive to their parents' emotions and can internalise negative reactions as personal failures. Self-confidence will easily deteriorate if they feel that their parents are negatively responding to them. By managing anger, parents prevent unnecessary blame and criticism that could harm a child's self-esteem. Instead, a controlled response helps children understand that mistakes are a natural part of learning and that they're still loved and valued despite any missteps. Harmful words live long with a child.

Increased listening: When there is gentle conversation and no stress connected to the conversations, a child will listen with more attention and interest. If anger is present children will shut down and their ability to listen effectively is reduced immensely.

Improved use of quality language: When we speak without anger and we are still dealing with issues the use of our language is important and is much more sophisticated than the use of angry words.

When you feel the urge to be angry around your child, take a deep breath and allow some time before speaking out. This drives down some angry intent and will lead to better outcomes when working through issues. It gives you more time to think about the problem and perhaps put things into a better perspective.

“Anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds Nothing, but it can destroy everything.”

                                    -Lawrence Douglas Wilder.

Using our language well

One of our greatest gifts is the power of speech. It starts from birth with simple sounds and some not so little. As we develop language, we listen and learn about what is said around us. Even intonations are often picked up from family connections and familiarity with people. Language can be used for good and sadly for evil. We teach our children how to use language from our own way of communicating and how we send messages to others.

When we use language effectively, there is so much more to gain and in its own right, it carries more power than blustering through conversations that are reliant on aggressive expression.

Let us think about how effective language can make a difference for your child:

• When you speak calmly and without raising your voice, people will listen with more sincerity. Louder more aggressive tones are often ignored or overrode by people who can become anxious with what is said.

• When you speak, stop and think. Just a little thought about what you have to say can make such a difference in the way you express yourself to others.

• When responding, keep a positive tone. Throw in a little affirmation and reassurance sometimes. ‘Thanks for the lunch. I really enjoyed my time with you.’

• Use words that are not harmful at all times. There are ways of expressing your displeasure, but be careful, using words that label will stick.

• Every now and again check your vocabulary. Can you increase it and find words that are more enriching when explaining situations to others?

• I have always said fewer words are better. This is true, especially if what you have to say is about something negative. Say it and move on. Repeating it does not give it extra merit.

• Children always look for reassurance in your words. Keep a mental check of how you are speaking to them and build positive thoughts about your children. Everyone loves to hear something nice about themselves.

• Remember the ‘I’ statements. ‘I am angry that you broke the vase. That was my favourite gift from my aunty’. When angry, an ‘I’ statement with a logical reason behind it is more effective than using poor language and just being angry.

• Play games like scrabble. They increase your vocabulary and teach your children the benefits of having a broad range of words as back up.

• Remember, when speaking, talk at a pace and a level of hearing that works for your child. Talking too fast may mean that they do not hear or listen to what you say. Choose a pace and volume that works.

• Do not use an aggressive voice when dealing with children. Hostility can be picked up from the voice and this can very easily intimidate and overwhelm your child.

• When your child speaks, become a good listener. Try not to interrupt. They need to express their thoughts in complete sentences and with time to reflect. Jumping in quickly undermines their voice.

• Practise expressing your words clearly. Avoid abbreviations and take your time saying what you need to say. Your child is learning from you, the art of speaking well.

• Monitor your body language when speaking. A lot can be said from poor body language.

• Try to focus when talking and not drift away onto other topics. Children will listen more if you talk about what is important and nothing more. Idol chatter is seldom heard.

• Speaking can use empathy and other essential emotions that are important in building relations with children. Use these motions wisely and not for manipulative purposes.

• Speaking well to children helps them shape their emotional development and builds relationships with others, A child who is spoken to with dignity and respect learns to like and value themselves.

• If children are surrounded by good language, their literacy skills improve immensely and their confidence in using good language grows. Such growth feeds into their self-esteem and the child feels able-bodied in independently talking about things that matter to them. A confident, well-spoken child is a joy to behold.

Finally, a parent who uses language as a skill that will give their child a better chance in life is a wise parent.

‘The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.’

-Ludwig Wittgenstein

Swearing is something we need to monitor in our children

Language is such a powerful tool. Children learn quickly that language gives them a great ability to get their needs met and to communicate with others. Children learn language primarily from parents and other environments such as kinder and school. They need to decipher early what is acceptable language and what will cause some distress. Of course, children will use swearing for different purposes. Some do it as attention seeking, some feel some kudos from doing it and others might feel it gives them some power.

These reasons are clear indications that we need to encourage children to understand how destructive swearing can be when it comes to forming their character. They need to identify what is unacceptable to say and when one should be aware of what is appropriate to say.

Consider:

• When you hear your child swearing, walk away. Look uncomfortable. Do not respond and show by your action that you disapprove of the swearing. You will not be party to such unacceptable language. Discuss later why you feel very unsettled by their swearing. They need to learn how isolating and damaging swearing is to building relationships.

• Talk to your child about how to express themselves when angry, disappointed etc.‘I am angry at…’  ‘I am sad when you…’.

This is all about finding alternative ways to express strong feelings, other than swearing. They need to learn the value of an ‘I’ statement that will give them more control over their feelings. However, it does need practice.

• Watch your own language at home as they will of course repeat what you say. Talk about finding a common word like ‘bother, darn, fruit’ etc that can be used instead of swear words. Make it a game if necessary that highlights the need to stop swearing.

• Older children sometimes enjoy a swear jar. Here you put in money when you swear. Parents should be part of this, it should become a family exercise. When a child uses a swear word that is totally unacceptable, take care to check if they actually understand what the word means. Sometimes they simply think about the effect and have very little understanding of its meaning. Here you will need to take the child aside and explain how this word is hurtful and inappropriate.

Some home truths to ask your child:

                   How do you like being sworn at?

                   Does it make you feel poorly?

                   Do you understand what has been said?

          The child should reflect on how the impact on them is hurtful.

There are many people around them that will swear to achieve an effect. Try to simply teach them that explaining yourself clearly can have much more of an effect than swearing. This is all about teaching them how to diffuse the short-term power that comes from swearing and replace it with solid sentences that have a more mature way of dealing with emotions. This of course may take time.

Remember that your child will try on many hats when growing into an adolescent. Teaching them the power of good language is giving them wonderful tools to use in building their self-confidence.

          ‘The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.’

                                                                            -Ludwig Wittgenstein

How best to talk to your children

The language we use and how we talk has a huge impact on how a child; firstly, responds and secondly, feels that they trust what you have to say. Your words, expressions and how you deliver messages to your child are significant for a child to learn how best to communicate for themselves. It is natural to just chat away, but this article invites you to learn and reflect on how your talk can influence a child’s perception about themselves. You are a big driver of building self confidence in your child. The quality of your conversation will directly impact the child’s response and how they interpret what you are saying to them.

Consider the following thoughts that may give you some guidance into how you can best communicate with your child:

• Always talk with optimism and a sense of hope built in. Children find this reassuring and they gravitate around such talk.

• Find good times for conversation. Meal times are great for family conversation and discussion about everyone's day. Take care not to ask too many probing questions. Don’t be on the rush or distracted when you are in for a good conversation with your child.

• Your child will really open up when in a relaxed uncomplicated setting. This could be taking a walk together, sometimes just listening in the car while driving works as well.

•  Try not to interrupt what they have to talk about, listen with interest and add an occasional, ‘Hmm that sounds great. Keep going.’

• Give them good eye contact and only ask questions that will keep their conversation going. Acknowledge that you enjoyed talking together and look forward to more talks.

• Don’t set unrealistic expectations when they start to talk, sometimes boys take longer to get going and usually need to be active while talking.

• Talk is more likely to happen when they feel comfortable. This could be in their bedroom or bath time etc. Timing is everything to get the best from conversation.

• Enjoying conversation is not a game of manipulation. Should your child think that it is all about gaining certain information, they will shut down.

• Watch your tone of voice and keep it consistent throughout the conversation. A change of tone can suggest to a child that you are showing some disapproval. This will definitely shut the conversation down. Listening is not about making judgements.

• Try not to take over the conversation. Once it is hijacked the child will go quiet.

• Respect the fact that your child may not want conversations in bigger groups. Find the best climate where your child will comfortably chat with you. In this area know your child.

• Always let the child complete what they have to say. If you tend to interrupt and take over the conversation, they no longer will own the content.

• All of us from time to time don't have much to say. Respect the fact that your child may be perfectly at peace in not talking much for a while.

• If your child starts a conversation and you find that they go quiet, allow time for them to finish. Sometimes putting thoughts together can be difficult. Some children, especially younger ones, need more time to process thoughts.

• Keep in mind that a child has the right to be heard. The more we give them their independence in talking for themselves, the happier they are and the more personally confident they grow.

• We know that strong oral language feeds into effective reading and writing.

Finally, sound communication should be a normal part of being a parent. Your child should feel confident that you enjoy a conversation and you are especially interested in hearing what they have to say. This is all about developing young individuals with opinions, confidence and believing that what they have to say has value.

‘The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.’                                       

                                                                                     -Peggy O’Mara

The use of good language around our children

One of the greatest tools we have in working and supporting our children is our language. It is such a powerful tool that can change relationships, build stronger relationships and can strengthen personal self-esteem. As a parent, you have the opportunity to encourage good language and to teach your child that using the very best language is a very empowering part of life.

As a child grows, their language will gradually increase and with your assistance, it can reach new heights. This means that as a parent when you speak to your child, you can gradually increase vocabulary that they will learn and enjoy using. Let them experiment with new words. It’s fun!- For example, try replacing words like ‘nice’ with more descriptive adjectives. This highlights your conversation more sharply and your child learns to use better words that describe a situation better.

In some classrooms, I have seen teachers leave a column on the board where they build on vocabulary across the week. It is amazing how it catches on and children start using more interesting language and this takes them up a notch in feeling self-assured. People notice when a child demonstrates good articulation.

Another great trick teachers use is to invite children to build a vocabulary bank and use those words in their writing. All strategies help.

Teachers would sometimes introduce a new word for the day and children had to find ways of using that word in their work and conversation.

Here are some ideas that can support your work in building a child’s vocabulary:

• Instead of playing ‘I spy’ in the car, try playing ‘I spy something that is……….’ and use interesting vocab to describe it.

• Some families set up a vocab bank on their fridge where words are added that are interesting throughout the week.

• When you are describing something to your child, think about the words you are using and occasionally throw in a new word.

‘I bought some croissants. They smell so delicious and fresh.’

• When reading to your child, talk about some of the words used to describe situations, people etc. Invite them to think of other descriptive words for the characters.

• When your child writes a story, challenge them to introduce one or two new words that make the story more interesting.

• Playing around with google can be interesting where you can show your child the various words that can replace just one word.

• A game such as scrabble can be fun as you are exposing your child to new words.

• Play word games. There are many available in game stores and these can also provide hours of entertainment.

• Remember that learning new creative words should be fun and spontaneous. The more the child relaxes and experiments with words the greater confidence they will gain in using them both in speech and in writing.

• Reading books is a natural way of increasing one’s vocabulary. Leave plenty of books around at home for the children to pick up.

Increasing one’s ability to express themselves well will naturally present an attractive manner to others and who knows where and with whom it takes you.

‘Words are in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic.’

                                                 -J K Rowling’s character, Dumbledore

Take care with words spoken

In the heat of the moment, we can say all sorts of things in all sorts of ways. Our mood and temper can often dictate how and what we say in front of our children. We have a liberty with speech which can work for us or against us. There are times when we may need to speak with more definition and there are more relaxed times when we can simply talk with ease, spontaneously and in comfort. Whatever our style of communication through speech, this article is to remind us that it is a powerful tool for the force of good and evil in our relationships.

Often words sharply spoken cannot easily be retracted. When we speak with our children, it is best to remember that they are listening carefully for the intention and will cautiously listen for reinforcing words and a calm style. The words make all the difference to how they will respond.

Here are a few thoughts to keep our speech in check when around our children.

• Remember to think before you speak. This is particularly important when you are feeling unsettled or in a situation that could lead to speaking out of turn.  Sometimes in the rush of speaking we can lose sight of what we are really saying.

• Create space. This means take some time out before speaking if you think you are inclined to say careless things that you will regret later. In this case, silence is golden.

• Use language that is age appropriate for your child and take care not to intimidate with strong, overpowering words that can have various meanings. Such is a form of intimidation. Simple language is the best, especially if you have some important messages to get across to your child.

• Remember to use words that clearly talk about what you want to say. Children can easily miss the content of what you say through the words you use, the speed of talking and the intonation used. Don’t allow your words to become a destructive tool but rather a building block for strong relationships.

• Reflect from time to time if you have used words that affirm and reinforce your child. This is a reminder to your child that they are valued and that you are keen to publicly talk about them in a positive way. Everyone from time to time enjoys hearing about themselves in a positive way. The positive use of words strengthens communication and give a clear message of wanting to engage with someone.

• If you are feeling disappointed and need to talk to your child about some behavioural concern, think about how you will say it and what words you will use that are balanced and suitable for the situation. Speaking too quickly without having our mind ahead of our mouth can be damaging for the relationship.

Finally, the words we use on a daily basis, say a lot about ourselves. They are the tools that inform others about how we wish to engage and participate in life. They are a force to drive people away or to bring them closer. Our children understand very clearly that the way words are presented to them is the clear traffic lights of their relationship. Flash onto green whenever possible.

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”

— Napoleon Hill