Solving school problems together with your child. The Primary Years. Gail Smith.

Being a parent isn’t easy at the best of times, but when your child is upset about school or you’re worried they’re falling behind, it can feel overwhelming. You might wonder: Should I speak to the teacher? Should I push harder or back off? What if I make it worse?

You're not alone. Many parents feel this way. Let’s talk about what to do when school feels difficult for your child and for you.

Start with Listening

When a child says, “I hate school,” or “I’m bad at reading,” our instinct is often to jump in with reassurance or solutions. But first, just listen. Give them your full attention even just 5 minutes of focused listening can unlock what’s really going on.

Try saying:

• “I am wondering how school went today.”

• “That sounds tough. I’d feel upset too.”

Remember this is not about giving them the answers. At this stage it is simply listening and feeling their concern.

Break the Problem Into Small Pieces

Big school problems often have small, manageable parts. Once your child feels heard, you can gently help them name the problem.

Example issues:

• “I don’t get maths” might actually mean “I got stuck on subtraction.”

• “No one likes me” might mean “Two friends wouldn’t play with me today.”

Help your child zoom in. Small problems are easier to talk about and easier to solve. For the child at the time, they seem insurmountable.

Make a Simple Action Plan (Together)

Children feel more confident when they’re part of the solution. They need to feel ownership of the issue. Once you've listened and broken the problem down, brainstorm one small step together.

Examples of action steps:

• Practising reading at home to build confidence

• Writing a short note to the teacher about a worry

• Role-playing what to say to a friend at playtime

For you: Don’t hesitate to send a quick message to the teacher. A simple, kind email like “My child is a bit anxious about PE. Any suggestions?” can open a helpful door.

Let Go of "Perfect"

You don’t have to be a teacher or a therapist. You don’t need perfect answers. Children don’t need perfect parents. They need present ones. Just showing up, listening, and caring makes a huge difference.

If you're trying, you're already helping. Being authentic shows the child you are really wanting to help.

Some Reassurance

Most school struggles are temporary. Children are resilient and bounce back, especially when they have a parent who’s in their corner. This is not about solving the problem for them but being there, listening and together working on solutions. If you, the parent, take full ownership of their problem, they will disengage from it and they will have learnt nothing.

Example:

Tom, age 9, was refusing to go to school. After some gentle chats, his dad realized Tom was scared about changing seats. A quick word with the teacher helped, and they worked out a solution. Within a week, Tom was back at school and smiling.

One Last Thought

When school is tough, it can feel like you're both in the storm. But storms pass. What matters most is that your child knows you're by their side..With slow and steady support, recognizing that it is a problem for them is critical to their sense of security. Working through the problem together and checking in to see how they are going is the best way to show you care.