When one child demands your attention, how do the others cope?

Tricky situation when one child is extra demanding. Often in families with several siblings one particular child can be more demanding than the others. This can be for many and varied reasons and certainly if a child is somewhere on the spectrum, difficult behaviour that escalates quickly can dominate your family time and compromise your quality experiences with other members of the family.

Parents become frustrated as they deal with this ongoing and difficult matter. They feel remorse as they do not have the time or energy to give to their other children. One child's behaviour and demands overrides the needs of the others.

This article is to reflect on the other children in the family and to understand more fully their emotional response to this phenomena which impacts on their life throughout childhood.

Often children develop ways of operating when bad behaviour from another sibling occurs regularly. They may escape the scene or attempt to solve the problem for their parents. They may even get caught up with thinking that they are to blame. Whatever their reaction, there is one emotion that many children will go through and that is a feeling of anxiety for their parents going through the grief of their sibling's behaviour.

 You may often hear them say to the parent,

 “Are you OK mum?”

“Is everything OK?” 

They may feel vulnerable and give lots more hugs or offer to do more around the house, etc. It is quite common for children to feel anxiety when they see their parent under pressure. Also tied up in this feeling is a sense of loss for the time they could have with their parent, one on one. This is a form of grief and no surprises that resentment can build in the siblings who sit by and see their parent under such duress. This is a difficult situation for parents who only want the very best for all their children and yet one child is so demanding.

 Here are a few thoughts on how to reduce the other children's resentment:

•  Have an open discussion with the siblings one on one at regular intervals.

Ask them:

“Sometimes mum does have a difficult time with your brother and I wonder how you feel about it?”

 Also note they will be worried about you particularly.

 “When you see mummy upset with your brother, are you worried about me?”

“On a scale of one to ten how worried are you?”

“Let's find ways that we can have one on one time together.”

• Plan each week to talk to the other children about how they are feeling when poor behaviour escalates. Ensure that when an escalation occurs that you tap into them to bring down their anxieties and reassure them of your coping skills. Keep an eye on your first child as they can be quite conservative and really feel the responsibility of the problem.

• It is quite confusing for the siblings to understand their role when such behaviour occurs. Plan to have family meetings and talk about everyone's role in the family. These meetings should be when you feel calm and in control. The sibling's role is definitely not to manage the behaviour nor are they in any way responsible for it.

• If a child is under some support such as a counsellor or psychologist, some parents choose to have  a session with the counsellor and the other siblings to help the whole family understand the reasons for the behaviour.

Primarily this article is about reassuring and reducing anxiety for the other siblings who naturally feel your pain and want to help but can feel somewhat helpless. It is all about giving them the reassurance that your relationship with them is intact and that you as parent in a loving way, have the responsibility of supporting all your children no matter what their needs. It is not their responsibility to manage their difficult sibling.

As the siblings grow up, in time they understand the situation better, but the grief of the compromised relationship they had with their parents can still linger and this needs to be understood by the parents.

What you would like the siblings to reflect on later in life is that although it was hard for mum and dad to deal with the situation, they would always talk to us about its implications on their relationship and they would work on other ways of ensuring our needs were met.

Who ever said parenting was easy!

Who ever said parenting was easy!

Friends are such an important aspect of a child's feeling of self worth.

Do you have a friend? As an adult we have developed social skills that ensure that we can form friends. We are also socially mature enough to cope with disappointments and to not feel under valued when a friendship ceases. Not so with our children, especially in the primary years. This is a time when they are slowly developing their social literacies and developing friendship they see as a mark of emotional success.

Of course by nature of their development, the friendships will come and go and some will be sustainable, others will have bitter sharp endings which cause the child hurt and confusion.

This is about building social stamina and it also involves building resilience and a growing wisdom to accept the fall outs and to seek friends that make them happy without complications.

I found it interesting as a Principal that parents would naturally worry when their child transferred to our school, as they were concerned about how they would settle and form friends. In almost all cases, not only did the child settle but learnt very quickly how they were successful in forming new friends. This undoubtedly built their self esteem. The change of experience helped accelerate a better understanding of groups and friends.

 Consider the following thoughts about how to support your child through the rigours of finding friends:

• Remember, they are not your friends and even though a child may choose a friend that you have some doubts will be suitable, it is important that they work out the ups and downs of that relationship. You are there to discuss their friendship journey but cannot choose their friends.

• Take care not to talk negatively about their friends. This confuses the child and this is an encouragement for them to go underground and not tell you with whom they are associating. This was quite common in working with children to hear them say that as mum doesn't like a certain child, they just don't let them know that they spend time with them.

• Encourage your child to talk openly about their friendship experiences and when they invite you in to offer opinions, talk generally about what works and perhaps talk about the highs and lows of your journey with friends.

• Be open and invite their friends home no matter what you may think about their suitability. In this area you have an all inclusive policy.

• Take care when having birthday parties. Ensure that it is an inclusive list and not one ostracising children unduly.

• If a child talks about school related friendship issues, together with your child talk to the teacher so that sound strategies can be put in place.

• A careful “I” statement when a child talks about another child who has been unkind is worthwhile.“It sounds like they are not ready to be a good friend at the moment.” Take care here not to talk negatively about the other child.

• Never understate their upset feelings about failed relationships. Often they can have very strong unsettled feelings as it is about their sense of self worth.

Finally, a child must grow to own the responsibility of being in relationship with others. Parents can be great listeners, but the child must experience the journey of learning about relationship with all its disappointments and joys.  

This is a time when children are slowly developing their social literacies and developing friendship, they see as a mark of emotional success.

Learning to deal with conflict

We are always on the look out for preventative measures to avoid conflict in our family setting. This is no doubt a sensible way of allowing a child to have a balanced childhood with appropriate affirmation and encouragement and reduced conflict. Having said this, a child will still need to develop skills in recognising and managing conflict. This starts very early in their life. At kindergarten, children begin to learn cooperative play, mixing with other children, sharing etc. Some say that babies have very intense feelings from birth.

Conflict is a natural part of life and as the child matures, skills need to be developed that enable them to better understand themselves and their ability to work effectively with others. They need to develop an awareness of their feelings and reactions to certain situations. They need to develop a language that enables them to cope with potential conflict situations in their day to day life. Some call this emotional competence.

 A parent can help a child develop these competencies in the following ways:

• How you model social interactions is crucial to their developing an understanding of how to manage conflict. If a parent is over reactive, angry and not reflective, this will impact on the child's understanding of managing conflict. If they see the parent, attempt to remain calm, look at the situation clearly and resolve the matter through dialogue and negotiation, this also has an impact on children, a very positive impact.

• Teaching the child how to negotiate is a key skill you are giving them in managing conflict.

  “I understand we have a problem with regard to going to bed on time. Let's find ways             together  to help this problem.”

  “I am upset that you are not doing your chores. Let's list ways of helping you.”

  Teaching negotiation is about putting up options that will help solve the problem and this will involve negotiation and hopefully an outcome of win/win.

• When a conflict occurs remember this is a time to demonstrate good modelling, just slow down, choose a good time to work through the issue with the child and definitely do not deal with the conflict on the run. Begin to look at how both you and the child can look at the issue working towards respecting each others needs. This will involve compromise and what a wonderful emotional tool you as a parent are giving the child.

Many areas of conflict occur at school. You cannot be there on such occasions but discuss with your child what strategies they will use when they are dealing with conflict. This would make a great family discussion regularly.

Schools are generally well set up when it comes to dealing with conflict issues especially given that student well being coordinators are available to support students. Most school teach a range of social skills in class. Most schools teach restorative justice which helps children understand their feelings and those of the other with whom they have a concern. Be in touch with your child's teachers when concerns are raised at home.

When working with children who were quick to temper and had not yet developed social skills to a manage conflict, I would give them this plan.

1.      Stop and think.

2.      What number on the angry scale would you give yourself?

3.      If high walk away, take big breaths and allow some time before dealing with the problem.

4.      If you feel unsure about the skills to work through the problem, seek out an adult.

If we teach our children not to immediately react, often the level of anger drops down and the situation can be dealt without escalation.

The more we teach our children to be emotionally aware, the greater their relationships with others and the more they can effectively engage broadly in various social settings and be influential.

“With our thoughts we make the world”

— Buddha 563-483BC

“With our thoughts we make the world” ~ Buddha

How do you feel today?

Have you noticed that as a parent you can have very high ups and also downs? Mood swings can be common in most people and especially in parents who are great givers and not takers in their family.

Selflessness can be wearing and there are times as parents finding personal space to recover is difficult juggling work, home and family commitments.

This article reminds us that managing our emotional swings or the more common saying, managing to regulate our emotions is very important around our children. We do need to understand our shifting emotional state and if we tend to get quite low, do we have strategies to help us when in this state?

Do we recognise when we are in this state and especially for prolonged times?

Do we understand ourselves enough to know when our emotional reactions are too extreme in front of our children. Are we able to monitor this or are we struggling to regulate our emotions when dealing with family problems?

Beware of Inter-generational is behavior, such as children repeating patterns of how their parents acted out situations has validity.

Here I am suggesting that too much extreme emotional discharge can create anxiety in children.

I remember parents telling me that when they were over reactive regularly, spontaneously or intermittently, they could see their children's shut down reaction and confused look on their face. They tend to retreat as a means of survival.

The following are some strategies to assist in monitoring your emotional response when around  children.

• Always understand your degree of tiredness. This will help you make decisions on how capable you are to have discussions about family matters that can be emotive. It is best to say that given your tiredness, the matter can be discussed the next day. Of course following it through the next day is critical.

• If there are issues that cause you considerable distress or anger, is it necessary for you to be part of that discussion? Can someone else close to the child take on that issue?

• Talk to your child about how you value regulating your emotions. Perhaps you have some strategies that they could adopt, such as taking big breaths before responding to a difficult situation, walking away, thinking positive thoughts etc.

• If there are certain issues that really press your buttons, explain this to your child. If there are legitimate reasons as to why you can over react easily, let them know these reasons. It is best to be as authentic with your child as possible.

• Remember that when you do over react or become emotionally charged, always come back to the child with an apology or at least an explanation and let the child know why you are disappointed in your over reaction. This demonstrates to the child that you are sincere in trying to regulate your emotions. After all we are human!

Using some of these strategies tells your child that you value emotional balance in your life. It is important in taking ownership of yourself. Such modelling imprints in the child that working towards being in control is developing social and emotional maturity and is to be valued.

Mood swings can be common in most people and especially in parents who are great givers and not takers in their family.

The importance of feeling anger and disappointment.

Strange title you must be thinking. However, this is all about the child experiencing feelings that make them unsettled and uncomfortable from time to time. This is all about strengthening their emotional growth.

We know that children grow existentially when they feel success, but this only comes after they appreciate failure and some disappointment. In my experience, as a Principal, parents who almost disallow their child from feeling disappointment are hindering their child's emotional and often social growth. By this, I mean when a parent tries to take the pain away by blaming others or taking over the problem. I appreciate that a parent must guide and protect their child from reasonable harm, but without some punches, the child will only expect the parent to solve the problem for them. This sets the child up for failure down the track. It also models to the child that they do not have to manage their affairs themselves.

I would be quite concerned when parents wanted a meeting, but insisted that their child be present. In some cases this went very well, but quite often the meeting was merely to show to the child that the parent would solve their problem for them. No surprises when I tell you these meetings I ensured were very short!

The following thoughts help build the child's belief in their own abilities to solve problems.

• As a family, ask the child to chat about their problems as you are open to listen without judgement and certainly you are empathetic to their concerns. The key here is that the child isn't expecting you to solve the problem.
• Talk openly about some problems you have had to work on over time.
• In working with some children I discovered they became anxious about telling their parents as they were concerned that they would take over the problem and cause upset for them at school. Remaining calm and interested in the problem is the key.
• Discuss optional ways the child could solve the problem but always recognising their ideas are very valid. Then give them a chance to “have a go.”
• Applaud their efforts in self managing the problem,whether they succeed or not. This is about recognising how they develop their own strategies.
• If they come back with the issue unresolved that is the time to discuss you engagement in the problem.

In my experience, once they succeed in working through an issue, they become more interested in solving the next problem. Success breeds success and the more a child self manages their issues, the more they attract like minded children.

Children who succeed in working through an issue, become more interested in solving the next problem.

Relationship break ups and other situations that lead to crisis.

We all would like to have a perfect existence without crisis or trauma of any kind. Sadly, life creeps into our perfect world and with this, can come grief and trauma.

The topic of dealing with trauma is quite complex. However, I am very aware of some typical feelings and responses that children have to trauma given my work with them in the school setting.

No matter what the crisis situation that has occurred in the family, many children will for a while shut down their emotions. They can appear quiet and in many cases, their work at school falls back considerably. This is because the shock of what has happened has forced their body to protect itself and learning is not high on their survival list at that time.

One of the early feelings a child can have especially if it is about a family separation is a feeling of self-guilt. They question whether they caused the problem. Another major fear is that if they lose one parent what if they lost both parents?

These thoughts play heavily on their little minds and though irrational to an adult is actually genuine fears for the child. Also, the death of a grandparent who was a close member of the family can be another trigger for distress for the child. They see how upset their parents are and they worry about how this impacts on them.

I could go on with many examples, but the key factor here is that children will experience feelings of grief and they particularly look at their changing vulnerable relationship with their parents.

My first thought here is to say that children should go through the natural process of grief. We need to take care that we do not shut them off from the reality of life. It takes a village to bring up a child and death and trauma of different sorts are part of that village.

Our response to their needs at the time of trauma can be demanding given that the parent is experiencing such deep, personal feelings at that time. 

Here are some suggestions that I feel help the child at that critical time in everyone's life.

• Remember that together you are sharing the grief. Children need honesty more than ever at this time and when a crisis in a family comes, in a careful and planned way it is important to talk to the child about the issue. Try not to avoid telling them for some time.

• Choose the right time and the right place to tell them what is happening. Children can fixate on that situation later and so it needs to be in a calm and reassuring space. It also should be a time when you are appropriately ready to talk to them about the matter. Lead into the conversation with something like:

“I need to talk to you about something that is making everyone sad at the moment.......”

Making a  gentle entry into what you need to talk about gives the child time to prepare their thoughts.

• Remember that when you first tell a child about a relationship break up, death etc. they will only process a little of what you tell them. Speak with clarity and to the point. Going into long explanations when first telling a child about the issue will not be effective. They will only hear the main fact. As time progresses they will ask more questions and when ready, this is a time to talk in more detail.

• Take care that in dealing with a parent's personal grief, the child is not brought into any negative discussion. This is particularly something to watch when there are relations breakups.

Keep in mind that in the early stages a child will be anxious about themselves and their primary securities around them. They may lose some personal confidence for a while and behaviour changes may occur. This is a time to reinforce that they are loved and that supports around them are strong and always present. Reassurance that relationships with the child remain intact is such a critical part of dealing with their grief, especially in the early stages.

If as a parent you are struggling with your own emotions, choose carefully the time to talk to the child. Most children actually have a very clear understanding of your pain and look to see if in any way that changes their relationship with you. I always remember a child telling me that they never talked to their parent about the matter as they always looked so sad and it would cause them to be sadder.

Grief changes over time and with professional support for all the family, families can move on with their life even though changes have occurred that will permanently alter their world as they know it.

The key point here is that children are very astute when it comes to recognising sadness and distress in the family. They are like a hound dog and can quickly sniff out emotional shifts. Remember to include them in the journey of change after trauma has occurred. Whilst we prefer to shelter them, it is best to build their emotional stamina so that they too can move on with strength and greater capacity to understand life in all its shapes and forms. Within a family, all aspects of life occur and it is a perfect environment to grow across so many aspects of life.

If as a parent you are struggling with your own emotions, choose carefully the time to talk to the child.

Giving instructions. Who listens to that!

 I wonder how many instructions we give in a day as parents?

“Get dressed quickly”

“Get into the car we are going”

“Put your clothes away now”

“Don't do that, you are hurting your brother”

No surprises that the listening of children drops to a very low level which causes so much frustration on the part of busy parents.

The trap is that repeating instructions that have no response from children often leads to the escalation in frustration on the part of the parent. There are various reasons why the listening drops to such a low level, but primarily it is all about far too many directions which then start fall on deaf ears. The pattern of repeating the questions forms part of the culture of the home. Often, we give directions that are poorly timed, repeated differently, are vague, escalate in volume or come with negative body language.

We also become upset that the child is not responding and valuing what you have to say. Often the child just simply hasn't internalised the message. Of course with technology in the home, listening to a parent's request is further compromised.

How often do we just threaten to take the technology off the child!

I would recommend the following to ease the pain!

 1. Discuss at a restful family time what directions you need to give for the morning etc. Ask the child to repeat what the tasks are and most importantly, give them a sound reason for doing the task.

For example:

“You need to be quick this morning in getting ready as I have to work and I get so upset when I am late. Your help will make my day much better. Thanks”

2. Most importantly when it works out well, remember to thank the child for supporting you. Notice that the emphasis here is about the child understanding that the following directions makes a difference to you.

For example, a child may never see the value in cleaning their room. For them, there is no problem. However, if you want the clean room, it is all about the difference it makes to you. Of course, not all instructions may have an impact on you. They may simply be about developing good habits. Tell the child that we need to follow instructions because it will make an important difference in some way.

“ Please get in the car quickly as traffic will build up behind us and it is safer”

A child will follow instructions and change behaviour if they see the value in doing so.

3. Choose the best time to give instructions and be realistic with your expectations. If a child is preoccupied, you may need to reflect on when and how you give instructions. Also, think about how important the task is to you, as often we can get far too reactive quickly when they do not respond to a request that is especially on our mind.

4. Use positive body language and acknowledge quickly when the child responds.

“Thanks, let's get this task done quickly so that we can have some time together.”

5. Negotiate where possible.

 “If you tidy your room quickly than we can have some time to play lego together.”

6. When working with children in the school setting, I did notice one significant factor that encouraged a child to listen with intent. It was all about the use of their name!

“Mark, could you open the door please?”

“Anna, please pass that pencil to me”

“Joshua, could you please close the door.”

Personalising the instructions does give more credibility to the request. I have also noticed how parents who use the child's name in talking with them, gives an impression of respect to the child.

The family environment is the setting in which you operate with your child most of the time. Keep in mind that your modelling of being a person that listens and responds to others is always in the watchful eye of the child. The more you create a climate of listening and positive feedback, keeping voices at a calm and steady level, the greater propensity there is to reduce the escalation of anger and frustration when giving instructions. These are the skills you are teaching your child. It is all about developing a culture of listeners.

6 tips to help your child 'hear' and respond to your instructions.

Know your limits. It's the safest way.

Have you ever noticed how you change when unable to cope?  This could be through tiredness, health issues or just you have just reached your limit! Beware these are the vulnerable times when we can overreact with our children. Easily done! Sadly we pay a high price in our relationship when this occurs.

Your child has refused to listen all morning and now he has damaged some furniture. It's enough to set off a chain of verbal abuse on the child. When we do this, we come back feeling vulnerable and wondering how we can undo what we have just done!

Always remember it is the behaviour we do not like. It is not a dislike of the child. When we are tired and vulnerable, how we talk to the child often looks and sounds like we dislike the child!

We are all human and children's behaviour can send our pulses racing.

Parents often tell me that using the following strategies helps limit the likelihood of being out of control.

• Consider stepping back from the situation when it gets out of hand. This can be done by walking away for a few minutes, entering another room, deep breathing, counting to ten etc. It is about creating a space between the incident and your reaction.
• Try preventative methods. If you know that there is a likelihood of escalating bad behaviour from the child, are there things that can be done to reduce that escalation. For example, take along toys, books etc. that can be a distraction. Let the child choose what he would like to take with him.
• Ask yourself do you have to go ahead with the activity at that point? Can it be delayed where the child is not involved?

Keep in your mind some simple “I” statements that limit the anger.

• “I am really upset at the moment and can't talk about it.”

• “I am so angry that this has happened. I need some time to think about it.”

Talk to the child about what you are about to do, shopping etc. Discuss what will help them be settled during this time. Rewarding a child who has had to put in an effort is acceptable but of course not all the time.

Progressively, during the morning or the activity, acknowledge their efforts in behaving well. Thanking them for supporting you is also valuable. Comment on how it made you work faster or achieve your goals well.

Remember it is about reducing the likelihood of reactionary behaviour which is sometimes complicated and hard to reconcile. Often, when we do have these outbursts, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction. This causes doubt and confusion in their mind. 

Know your own capabilities and recognise the signs where fatigue etc. will set in and over stimulate your negative reaction to problems. Minimising your reactions enables you to deal with the behaviour in a calmer way.

When we have outburstsover behaviour, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction.

Capture the moment and savour the experience.

If you read anything about Mindfulness you will learn that it is about finding peace and harmony in the moment. As parents we are fanatically busy rearing our children, providing for their lifestyle and planning for the future. Everything will be better if we just..... or when we just .....

It was quite a common conversation to have with parents who were always working towards ensuring their child's future was going to be a great one.

“We are busy this week as we are planning for …......”

Do we ever get the chance to stop and savour an actual moment with our child. They are growing mentally, physically, emotionally and intellectually at a very fast pace. Just look at the photos you take from month to month.  Just reflect on your older children and ask yourself where have the years flown?

This blog is simply an encouragement to stop and smell the roses.

When your child is simply being themselves just stop and enjoy. Perhaps linger longer as you reflect on their childish ways. We don't need to wait for the cute moments and capture them on camera. Just enjoy the beauty of your child in the moment. Be mindful of their presence as they settle into you for a cuddle or settle into bed with a book. How about just observing them play? Sometimes, they are just present being themselves in whatever way that is at that moment.

Think about the beauty that you have in your life through their existence and savour that moment.

The days, weeks and years go quickly.  It is about seizing the moment. You will feel better for the experience and start building a beautiful image of your child.

Sometimes, through adversity comes this simple appreciation of things. When a child is very ill and then recovers, we really begin to appreciate the presence and joy of that child.

Try not to get trapped in negative memories or to stay unhappily focused on negative behaviour for too long. Just to enjoy the simple joy of your child is being mindful of their presence.

Consider the following ideas to help with this process of just simply enjoying your child.

• Every day plan to just be present with them for a moment and think about how special that is for you. If you do this daily, it will start to become a  habit and it will start positively changing how you process through problems with your child.
• Take photos and proudly display them. Personally reflect on each scene for a minute and enjoy that moment you shared together.
• Choose a special time of the day which you share together. This could be at bedtime, in the car, at meal times etc. On these occasions, just reflect on what your child is saying or doing. Just stop and listen deeply for a moment. Shut out the distractions around and just be present for that moment. Some parents then like to write  down their thoughts and it begins to form a journal of beautiful self reflections on your child.

Laughter is a great experience to share. Try to find some time when you simply laugh together. One of my greatest fans was my grandmother. I have a lasting image of her dancing around the kitchen with a tea towel on her head. I cherish that image as it so vivid in my mind. When I think of her this image often comes to mind. It is a happy warm image, a snapshot of a remarkable woman in my life.

We all practise the art of stopping movies in between scenes. Consider that we are doing this with our daily experience. You are capturing moments on our emotional lens and savouring the scene. Don't press the play button too soon!

Consider some ideas in this article to help with this process of just simply enjoying your child.

Be a negotiator not a winner

Children need to be heard.

Sometimes this is tricky when they are asking for something which seems quite unreasonable.

Remember your childhood and when you wanted something that was important to you. Who were you more inclined to approach? The parent that had a black and white way of operating or the one that calmly listened. I'll bet it was the latter!

Children always gravitate around the parents who listen with interest and who don't dismiss them too quickly. The best approach is to listen with intent and then discuss why you have concerns about their request. If you can reach some compromise, so that a negotiation happens, the child feels that you have at least understood their needs and were prepared to compromise.

For example, if a child wants to go to a friend's place to play, do you agree that this could happen but only perhaps for a short time? This is considering their needs as well as your own.

If a child asks for an Ipad and this is quite unsuitable, explain your reasons and discuss when and how you would be prepared to consider it, sometime in the future.

It is all about creating a win/win. The child feels heard and valued. You feel that whilst you cannot comply with the whole request, there could be some aspects on which you are prepared to negotiate. 

Giving in to requests that do not suit you or simply saying no, without any thought behind the decision, creates dissatisfaction all round and the child has not began to learn the art of negotiation.

Better to keep in relationship with your child by showing them that you listen and where possible can negotiate.

Sometimes in my experience with negotiating with children, as they became more familiar with how to negotiate, they would be quite humorous and say with a smile,

"Can we renegotiate that Mrs Smith!"

Black and white doesn't win the battle

Simple tools to ease the pressure at home with homework.

Do you have a regular homework time set aside in your house? Homework time can be difficult as each child will often have different expectations on how to do homework and when to do the homework if at all! Also, homework is often done at the busiest and most tiring part of the day which is around dinner time.

Here are some tips that may ease the pressure if you find the homework time challenging.

1. Have a box of goodies set up. This means that the box contains pencils, pens, textas etc. which the child can easily access to work on their homework straight away. I have heard of some parents providing little treats in the box as they dig around for their necessary tools. This makes it fun!
2. Set up a roster kept visible to all, perhaps on the fridge outlining homework tasks and on what day they will be done. As a family agree that they will be done on that day.
3. Recognise at what time homework should finish as long extended time on homework is usually ineffective. Agree that if the homework is too difficult or the child does not understand, agree as a family that a discussion will be had with the teacher in the morning and no further time is wasted on it.
4. If the child is spending too much time on a task and the parent has attempted to help unsuccessfully, the homework gives the child a sense of failure and becomes quite unproductive in building a relationship with the parent.
5. The family should all agree on where best to do the homework. I would recommend that it is visible to the parent although too much supervision takes the ownership from the child. Settle on a place that has few distractions, is comfortable and has plenty of light. Keep the area where the child is doing the work, uncluttered as this creates the impression that homework is the focus and there is no distraction.
6. Is it at all possible that your child does their homework in the morning slot after breakfast before school? Children are more attentive and learn more effectively when refreshed after sleep. Also, you as the parent can cope much better all round.

Six  tips that may ease the pressure if you find the homework time challenging.

Understanding how your child processes, helps to keep everyone in tune.

Are you an open ended person or more inclined to enjoy closed activities? Our children are no different. As they get older they will find that school will provide activities whereby they will need to work on open ended problems. Sometimes, teachers will give them closed exercises that will involve simple and clear answers. My observation is that boys struggle with open ended questions or tasks more than the girls who enjoy putting down long explanations and enjoy thinking outside the square.

Now apply this to your experience at home.

When you have tasks to do, reflect on whether you are setting open ended tasks or more closed tasks with clear outcomes. Consider, whether your child understands what is expected of them.

For example, would you ask your ten year old son to tidy up the yard? This request is so broad and no surprises, this can lead to much frustration. Better to be more explicit and suggest one aspect of the yard with instructions as to what you expect done. I would also ask them to repeat the instructions back to you. This is a closed activity and the child knows exactly the parameters of the request. How often do you sit with homework where the boys especially cannot respond to open ended activities.

Understanding your child's mode of thinking is very helpful as it reduces tension between the child and parent. It also has the likelihood of more success and therefore praise for achieving the tasks.

The child begins to appreciate that how you talk to them is understandable, reasonable and possible to achieve. This helps them tune in more to what you are saying. They are keen for approval and sometimes simply cannot grasp the request.

Better to have an understanding of how they process so that damage to the relationship is reduced to a minimum.

Also, keep in mind how much information the child can process at once. This is especially applicable to younger children. It is all about how many instructions you give them at once.

For example:

“Go the fridge, get out the milk and put it on the bench, next to the cup.”

Here are four instructions in one sentence.

Some children may have only heard two instructions. No surprise that the milk ends up in the wrong area!

If your child only processes two instructions then give them only two instructions at once.

“Go the fridge, get out the milk.. Thanks for that. Now put it on the bench, next to the cup. Well done for being helpful.”

Notice that saying well done is followed by a reason for the approval. Often the child does not understand what made the activity worthy of praise.

So the message is to tune into how your child processes to further enrich the relationship.

Understanding how your child processes information will avoid confusion and frustration for all involved, leading to healthy praise for your childs achievements.

How to give children a way of understanding failure.

Growing up is such a learning curve on so many levels!

As an adult we understand through our developed emotional intelligence that failure happens to all of us. We also understand that sometimes it takes time and effort to turn failure into success.

We also learn that failure is another way of learning and growing stronger.

A child who has less experience and is not emotionally mature enough to understand failure can see it as quite a blocker to their learning. They can shut down quite easily, being more comfortable in not doing anything rather than “having a go”. The more frequently this happens, the longer it takes to change the patterns.

It is quite common to hear parents comment on how their child has stopped trying as they are scared of failure. After all, in their mind, the best defence is just not doing the work, if it gives you feelings of being unsuccessful. As a parent, this can be quite daunting, especially if you feel that you are always affirming them for their efforts.

I have seen this pattern in many children and no surprises, it is often the first child that struggles in this area. There is no simple answer, as it does require the child developing a set of skills to overcome this fear and this takes time and perseverance on the part of the supporting family. Below are some suggestions for supporting your child's developing  emotional awareness.

With a child who is finding their work never adequate or good enough, affirm different aspects of their work not just offering an overall affirmation.

“I really like the way you drew the line on the page. It's very straight”

 “I am so impressed that you started that sentence well.”

Here you are building positive comments in that are real and the child can see that it is genuine.  But take care not to constantly affirm as the child disengages from excessive, general affirmation.

Talk openly about failures that you have had to deal with and discuss the ways you solved the problem or at least handled the situation. Here you are reinforcing the concept that failure is part of everyday life. This is effective coaching without forcing solutions on a child.

There are wonderful books on building self worth and coping with failure. Book stores that cover emotion and feelings are excellent for this purpose. As you read the stories of how failure was a process that a child had to work through, discuss similar times in your own life.

Keep a success journal. This means that every time your child has felt that they overcome a feeling of failure, write about it as a family. Remember, we are affirming the efforts or tools that the child used to overcome the fear.

Also a success jar is fun where you add a marble every time a child works through a fear of failure.

Talk to your child's teacher about the areas that they notice cause anxiety in your child. This gives you some ideas on what areas to affirm at home. Remember to be specific when affirming.

Use the scale approach.

“You are anxious about that test? On a scale of one to ten how do you feel? Now what can we do to drop that number and slow the anxiety down?”

Here you acknowledge that sometimes you will still have anxiety about the problem but by finding ways to lower the fear, you can cope so much better.

Keep in mind that it is important to recognise their fears and not downplay their importance. This way they know you are really listening to them.

“It sounds to me like you are really worried about talking in front of the class. Tell me more about that feeling.” By listening honestly, the child will be comfortable in talking about their fears.

Discuss with the whole family how important it is to acknowledge the child's fear and encourage other less stressed siblings to not underplay their fear.

Learning to cope with fear is a gradual process and once a child develops some tools to cope better and feels success from this, they begin to strengthen their emotional maturity and identify in themselves the cues that lead to fear of failure.

Affirmation for your child's good work and success is important.  How much is too much and when is it needed?

What does a child think about a parent's expectations?

What a big topic. This can become and messy!

Most parents will tell a teacher that they expect high but realistic expectations for their child's achievements. Most parents will also tell you that they regularly affirm their children's work and that they encourage them to do their best.  They will also add that at no point to do they criticise their children for poor work. However, some children still feel undervalued and unsuccessful which can lead to lack of motivation from the child.

A tricky problem if you are a parent just wanting the best for your child!

When I worked with children struggling with their perceived lack of performance and personal image, the following was clearly evident.

• The child had through some way, felt that their parents were not proud of them. They also believed that what they did just wasn't making them valued the way that they wanted to be valued.
• Their perception was quite a blocker for parents who thought that they were affirming their children adequately.

The answer can be quite complex but the following tools can help parents in presenting a strong image of support for their child. These tools have worked well with some families.

Try using the following:

 Always talk about the positive using an “I” statement.

“I appreciate all your efforts today.”

“I like the work you have done. It makes me see all the effort you made.”

Also occasionally saying:

“Sometimes I found it hard to do well myself and I feel so glad that you are having a go at everything you do. This makes me proud”.

The emphasis here is on the child understanding that their work has had an impact on you. For some children, this extra parental reinforcement is so necessary.

Also just affirming simple activities that we take for granted can be helpful in reassuring the child.

“Thanks for helping me with the groceries. I feel less tired now.”

“ I love your smile. It makes me happy.”

Some children just need more affirmation and reassurance that they are valued. It may not be the case for all the children in your family who may need less personal reassurance.

Every child has their own emotional journey. Sometimes the order of the family can have an impact on where you see yourself, being an only child or just dealing with strong sibling personalities can shape your perceptions. Whatever the reason, every child will respond to their parents differently, subject to how emotionally secure they feel in the eyes of their parents.

Keep in mind:

• How you treat each child in the family may require different treatment.
• No child is a mirror image of their siblings.
• Every child listens carefully for parental reassurance, some listen more closely and need to hear it more often.

Every child listens carefully for parental reassurance, some listen more closely and need to hear it more often.

How to understand and accept influences outside the family.

A child may seem like they in a cocoon for a few years after birth. After all we are the sole carers as parents and we have carefully nurtured and guided their development, socially, emotionally and intellectually. What a powerful influence we are when the child is in dependent stages. Parents should be proud of their work in those foundational years.

I always hear from parents after their child starts school how they start to grieve as the child brings home a great love for their teacher and friends start developing. It's like, “move over mum and dad there are other influences in my life now and they are important!” This can be a confusing time for parents as the child talks about other families and focuses on building a strong relationship with their teacher.

A challenge for parents is when the child begins to mimic or quote values that are not consistent with the family values. They may be using different language which they hear at school or simply copying behaviour.

This is a natural for a child to reflect on other family values. Often play dates at other family's homes brings new influences into a child's life.

As a parent think about the following advise to help adjust to the child's broadening world.

Firstly do not show negative body language when you hear something that doesn't sit favourably with you. The child is just experimenting with different ways of being.

It is best to say,

“You are acting in a way that makes me a little sad. In our family we like to ….........”

Remember that the child likes and is comforted by the security of the home, but needs to feel that you are receptive to hearing about alternative ways of being. A child gets mixed messages if they are allowed to associate with children but have parents that present negatively to them.

As a family talk about how families are different.  When a child wants to talk about their friends or experiences, listen with interest and if there is some aspect that does not fit in your family values then discuss the difference and reinforce why you have different ways to operate as a family.

Attend school activities and having a presence in the classroom also shows the child that you  happy to be around all the children and the life of the school. This reassures them that everyone is acceptable on the part of your family. Once the child is at school, their world becomes so much bigger and there will be influences ever present. For the child it is all about testing the waters, recognising what works for them. This takes time and with careful support and not controlling the childs' world, they eventually make choices which are often based around their family values.

In working individually with children it was very evident that those children who came from families with a more open and accepting set of values,  were more inclined to make socially and emotionally based decisions.

I always hear from parents after their child starts school how they start to grieve as the child brings home a great love for their teacher and friends start developing.

Who agrees with who in parenting?

Have you discovered since becoming a parent how different both parents can be when it comes to parenting styles? This is quite common in families.

In facilitating parent courses, it was quite common to hear parents say that their styles of parenting were quite different. Often it was based on how they were brought up as a child. This can be quite daunting for couples who think they are so compatible on so many levels!

Often we don't think about how we will react as a parent to a child's behaviour until it actually happens!

It is quite normal to have different approaches to rearing a child. After all, it is hard to change how your understand child rearing given your own journey as a child, be it positive or negative. The key approach is to simply agree that at times you will have different understandings of the problem at hand.  The child certainly knows this and no surprises that they gravitate around the parent that is less punitive and has more listening skills. After all, didn't we do that ourselves when growing up?

Consider the following points when managing parent issues:

• Both parents should talk to their child recognising that sometimes mum or dad may see matters differently and that this is normal.
• Agree that sometimes mum may deal with issues and sometimes dad. Of course all issues will be discussed as a family.
• What is most important is that the child does not side one parent off with the other. This is where it gets complicated. Children are very aware of how parents can have different opinions on matters pertaining to all sorts of things such as homework, staying out late, tidiness, etc.

Whoever deals with the issue should maintain the following:

• Listen effectively.
• Respond calmly and then actively listen to the concern.
• After agreeing to understand the issue start negotiating. In the negotiation stage, this is where parents may have different expectations and this is quite acceptable.
•  If both parents use this same approach, the child will feel that they have been dealt with fairly and consistently. They will also recognise that whilst parents have different expectations, they still listen and negotiate in the same way.

This topic was the cause of much discussion in my parent groups and we all agreed that sometimes it was better to let one parent deal with certain situations as they were less emotive or at least more familiar with the matter under discussion.

So in summary, parents should use the same method of working through the problem and negotiate with your interests or investments to be included.

It is quite normal to have different approaches to rearing a child.

Improvement and Achievement - where does it begin and end?

Have you noticed how praise is important on so many levels? We all need praise, no matter at what age! This blog is about understanding that we need to be quite specific when we praise. We need to  ensure that we know the purpose for praise and that we target it well.

“Well done on your test. All that preparation made a great difference. Bravo!”

In order to improve and to achieve, we need to feel reassured that our efforts are truly valued. We need reassurance. The more we target our praises, the closer the mark to giving the child an authentic acknowledgement, one which makes a real difference to the child!

“What a wonderful effort you made to clean the kitchen. All the items are away in their right spot. Thank you.”

By being specific, the child is aware that you are grateful for some particular task. It shows that you have clearly thought it through and that it has real value to you. By mentioning it clearly, it throws more evidence on the impression it has made on you.

By being authentic in your praise they understand that their achievement was sincerely based on your awareness of their deeds.

General praise such as “you're a good boy” has little value compared to “ what a good boy for opening the door as I have groceries in my hand.”

Improvement is best understood and more likely to continue when the child clearly understands the value of their deeds. Teachers are aware of this and in working with children they are extremely conscious to speak clearly and acknowledge their work as specifically as possible. 

In working with children myself, I observed that affirming with real definition, builds their sense of general self confidence.

“Thanks Mark for shutting the door quietly. It often jams.”

Here the child recognises that they supported your real concerns about the door! Incidental but effective affirmation. This sets the scene for a confident healthy discussion to follow. Reassurance builds on reassurance and success.

Keep in mind that through your example in praising and affirming well, the child is more inclined to model this in how they affirm others. It is all about giving the best example through our communication style.

mprovement is best understood and more likely to continue when the child clearly understands the value of their deeds.

Survival as a parent.

When you first have your newborn in your arms and the dependency is high, bonding seriously begins with the child. This bonding continues for many years and of course an important key to better parenting is to continue to build strong attachment to your child. What is also important to better parent your child is to ensure that you are a well balanced person. Sometimes with so much dependency with a child, it is easy to forget about honouring your own needs.

This is all about finding ways to rest and recover from the high demands of being a parent. The expectations on you are great and constant as a parent, especially as extra siblings appear on the scene. Giving yourself permission to escape the rigours of parenting for a short while, ensures that you come back refreshed and with a better perspective on your job as a parent. Just stepping out of the shoes of full time parenting can have such a positive impact on the whole family and especially yourself.

How you achieve this will vary from family to family. Some parents are fortunate to have extended family around. If this is your situation, I strongly recommend inviting them into your children's life. Time with grandparents, cousins, aunts etc is about providing a village for your children and takes some pressure from yourself as well as giving the child a broader world in which they can grow up. You do not need to be the sole person responsible for imparting values and life lessons on the child.

When I talk to parents who have had some personal time to themselves they will often give me the same response.

“I really missed my children but feel so refreshed.”

Keep in mind that by giving yourself some personal time you are giving the child a strong message about your own sense of self worth. The more the child sees the parent as an independent person with their own needs, the more they come to appreciate that you value yourself.

Having a break can be done in many and varied ways. It can be just having an hour to yourself when your young child is asleep. It could be a weekend away with your partner or friends. Some parents love going to the gym, jogging regularly,walking etc. Whatever relaxes and refreshes you, will reflect on how tolerant and capable you will be in managing parent matters.

Remember that you are progressively learning about parenting and the more you talk to others and step outside your all too familiar shoes, the broader you reflect on your role as parent. Parenting is much more difficult when you are not getting your own needs met such as stimulation, affirmation, affection, recognition etc. Our emotional stability is linked to maintaining a balanced life which can include our own personal time.

Talk to your child about how you enjoy relaxing and how it is important to you as this helps be a better parent. It is certainly easier to meet your child's needs if you also look after your own needs.

Once the child internalises that you sometimes enjoy some time to yourself, they are challenged to work out how this impacts on them and so they develop different skills in coping. They come to realise that their parent is a happier parent when having some personal time. Perhaps they can get involved in determining how you relax. This will give them some feeling of ownership about fulfilling your needs.

Strong, happy attachment to our children comes from mature parenting where there is room in all the family for everyone's needs to be met.

It is certainly easier to meet your child's needs if you also look after your own needs.

Being still and really present to a child.

Remember the old saying, “children should be seen and not heard”. It should be more like “children should be seen and really heard in a deep and positive way.”

How hard is this to achieve when the family home is such a busy place with many competing interests across the week.

In my experience both in working as a Principal and as a Counsellor, really attending to a child when they have something important to talk about gives you optimum opportunity to really hear the problem and the child feels that they have been really heard.

I would often hear children say “my parents don't listen to me”. They are really saying that they do not have the real opportunity to be properly heard and that their feelings are given value and credibility.

Sometimes this can be done very simply and sometimes a family needs to coordinate a set time to have such engagements.

Being really present to the child involves giving all your time and attention to the child without distractions. It involves using warm, positive eye contact and listening without interrupting or showing body language that can be judgemental. It is about being calm, silent, steady and listening with an open heart.

By maintaining this state, the child feels that they have the space to keep talking and that it is a safe, respectful space, where they can say anything. After the child has said what they wanted to talk about you are in a privileged position to discuss what they had to say. This is without bias and without being too quick to judge.

This really deep form of listening opens up so many opportunities for the child. They feel so valued when the parents is truly present in conversations this way.

Doors close in conversation quickly when interruptions or changed body language occurs. As a parent, it is about finding that one on one time for your child. 

I often found that once a child has been really heard, they are more in tune with working out solutions. Keep in mind that children gravitate around family members that calmly and respectfully listen. I believe this applies to all of us!

I often found that once a child has been really heard, they are more in tune with working out solutions.

The importance of quiet time.

How is your day at work? Is it always noisy and chaotic? Do you crave some personal space?

I imagine the answer is yes.

So too do our children need to balance their time with quiet downtime in the day. This can take many forms and will, of course, vary from family to family. It is all about finding time on your own.

Having your own mental space to chill out, and this may mean doing very little or simply absorbing yourself in a hobby. I am particularly impressed how some children can sit for hours putting together leggo sets. They are immersed in their own thinking and not interrupted by outside noise or demands around them.

Whilst television and computer can be seen as downtime, take care that this is not consumptive. However, it does act as a chill out time for children. The quiet time is all about being in your own personal space and being at peace with your own company. It is training the child to focus more inwardly and to enjoy their own company. It is about resting your thoughts which can be tiring if you find demand high from everyone around.

The trick here is to balance quiet time with other aspects of their life which is very interactive with family, school and friends.

It was quite common that in my office, children who had overwhelming moments in the yard or in the classroom would simply sit and draw, play with play dough, sand trays etc. This quiet time with no discussion or distraction enabled them to return to the noisy, busy space of interacting with others, where expectations and demands were placed on them.

The mental space acts as a recharge button. After all, engaging with people for some children is hard work. 

Children need quiet time just as much as adults do