We all want a happy and contented home, but we also know how quickly a peaceful home can turn into a tense one. Gail Smith has some practical tips that could help keep your household a happy and safe environment for your children.
Read MoreManaging a bustling household often leads to tension, with everyone juggling tasks and schedules. To avoid potential issues, try these simple tips for a more harmonious home. Remember, small changes can make a big difference, so be kind to yourself as you navigate the challenges of parenting.
Read MoreAs we enter into our new norm, post coronavirus, how are you a parent and carer coping? There will be change all around us. Some we cannot control and other aspects we may have some control over. Think about how you are entering this new norm and ensure that it includes your wellbeing. The carer needs to be cared for.
Sometimes as a parent we go on overdrive to ensure that our children have all their needs met and this overdrive can make us quite irritable and out of sorts. Notice the signs in yourself as you get back to normal routines. Are you getting tired now that the situation has changed? Are you also getting enough sleep and personal space to ensure that you are as balanced as possible in how you manage your children?
In working with children and in meeting regularly with parents, it became very clear that a tired parent was not a good listener to their children and sometimes had feelings of being quite inadequate in their parenting. This often had a spiralling down effect and the child quickly picked up on the vulnerable state of the parent. This then fuelled anxiety in the child which sometimes manifested in very poor behaviour.
The more vulnerable and less satisfied the parent, the greater propensity for unsettled behaviour in the child.
Don’t forget. You matter too.
I hear you say that there is the plight of the parent.
Consider the following tips on keeping your own life in check which also includes a good dose of happiness.
In each day where does, the “you” time fit in? This could only be ten minutes but some personal time makes us all feel mentally rested.
Look at the balance of the week with all the timetable and activities set. Can anything change to make your life easier? Remember this may mean sacrificing some aspect of your child’s planned week. However, it is necessary to include your needs in the weeks.
It is important to let your child see how you value some personal time. Have this conversation with them:
“Today I will go to bed earlier as I need some time just to read my book. Please help with the clean up after dinner.”
Do you connect well with friends? Conversations between friends especially those in the same situation can remind you that you are all in a busy time of your life. Ensure that these are positive chats and not just ones to bring you down. Avoid the negative talk as it can be quite destructive.
Bring laughter into your life often. I know one woman that watches 30 minutes of the comedy show a day just to have a laugh and feel better. When you need to address issues with your child, consider how you feel, try to talk about matters when you are less tired and reactive.
Take a walk often. Even a short one around the neighbourhood. Fresh air lifts the spirit and creates some personal space.
Do you have a passion? It could be reading, jogging, the gym etc. Ensure that this is a regular part of your week and try not to reduce this precious time because of busy circumstances. Ensure you let the children know how important this time is to you.
Ensure that around the house are important objects that make you feel better. Photos are great. Flowers enlighten the day, cups of tea are easily accessible. Keep your running gear close at hand. It is all about ensuring the home also is your comfort station and not a working family space.
Catching up with friends for short intervals can also lift the spirits. It is amazing how short intervals of feeling better can generally improve your mood.
Leave messages around the house to remind you about things that are important to you. On the fridge mention your gym days. In the bedroom have your book etc. near the bed. Keep your runners near the door.
Giving yourself visual images of what is important to you, lift the spirit and raise the importance of the activity in the life of the family.
These thoughts are about ensuring that you matter. The more you raise the family’s awareness of the importance of having your special time, the more the family understands that care is for everyone and everyone feeds off each other’s care.
“Be there for others but never leave yourself behind.”
Have you ever noticed how you change when unable to cope? This could be through tiredness, health issues or just you have just reached your limit! Beware these are the vulnerable times when we can overreact with our children. Easily done! Sadly we pay a high price in our relationship when this occurs.
Your child has refused to listen all morning and now he has damaged some furniture. It's enough to set off a chain of verbal abuse on the child. When we do this, we come back feeling vulnerable and wondering how we can undo what we have just done!
Always remember it is the behaviour we do not like. It is not a dislike of the child. When we are tired and vulnerable, how we talk to the child often looks and sounds like we dislike the child!
We are all human and children's behaviour can send our pulses racing.
Parents often tell me that using the following strategies helps limit the likelihood of being out of control.
Keep in your mind some simple “I” statements that limit the anger.
Talk to the child about what you are about to do, shopping etc. Discuss what will help them be settled during this time. Rewarding a child who has had to put in an effort is acceptable but of course not all the time.
Progressively, during the morning or the activity, acknowledge their efforts in behaving well. Thanking them for supporting you is also valuable. Comment on how it made you work faster or achieve your goals well.
Remember it is about reducing the likelihood of reactionary behaviour which is sometimes complicated and hard to reconcile. Often, when we do have these outbursts, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction. This causes doubt and confusion in their mind.
Know your own capabilities and recognise the signs where fatigue etc. will set in and over stimulate your negative reaction to problems. Minimising your reactions enables you to deal with the behaviour in a calmer way.
When we have outburstsover behaviour, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction.
When you first have your newborn in your arms and the dependency is high, bonding seriously begins with the child. This bonding continues for many years and of course an important key to better parenting is to continue to build strong attachment to your child. What is also important to better parent your child is to ensure that you are a well balanced person. Sometimes with so much dependency with a child, it is easy to forget about honouring your own needs.
This is all about finding ways to rest and recover from the high demands of being a parent. The expectations on you are great and constant as a parent, especially as extra siblings appear on the scene. Giving yourself permission to escape the rigours of parenting for a short while, ensures that you come back refreshed and with a better perspective on your job as a parent. Just stepping out of the shoes of full time parenting can have such a positive impact on the whole family and especially yourself.
How you achieve this will vary from family to family. Some parents are fortunate to have extended family around. If this is your situation, I strongly recommend inviting them into your children's life. Time with grandparents, cousins, aunts etc is about providing a village for your children and takes some pressure from yourself as well as giving the child a broader world in which they can grow up. You do not need to be the sole person responsible for imparting values and life lessons on the child.
When I talk to parents who have had some personal time to themselves they will often give me the same response.
“I really missed my children but feel so refreshed.”
Keep in mind that by giving yourself some personal time you are giving the child a strong message about your own sense of self worth. The more the child sees the parent as an independent person with their own needs, the more they come to appreciate that you value yourself.
Having a break can be done in many and varied ways. It can be just having an hour to yourself when your young child is asleep. It could be a weekend away with your partner or friends. Some parents love going to the gym, jogging regularly,walking etc. Whatever relaxes and refreshes you, will reflect on how tolerant and capable you will be in managing parent matters.
Remember that you are progressively learning about parenting and the more you talk to others and step outside your all too familiar shoes, the broader you reflect on your role as parent. Parenting is much more difficult when you are not getting your own needs met such as stimulation, affirmation, affection, recognition etc. Our emotional stability is linked to maintaining a balanced life which can include our own personal time.
Talk to your child about how you enjoy relaxing and how it is important to you as this helps be a better parent. It is certainly easier to meet your child's needs if you also look after your own needs.
Once the child internalises that you sometimes enjoy some time to yourself, they are challenged to work out how this impacts on them and so they develop different skills in coping. They come to realise that their parent is a happier parent when having some personal time. Perhaps they can get involved in determining how you relax. This will give them some feeling of ownership about fulfilling your needs.
Strong, happy attachment to our children comes from mature parenting where there is room in all the family for everyone's needs to be met.
It is certainly easier to meet your child's needs if you also look after your own needs.
Teachers know this trick very well. They use it often throughout the school day
For them, it is all about the value of creating space when things get too heated in the classroom.
When you experience tension at home in dealing with issues or you can sense that eruptions are about to occur after a build up of tension between the child and yourself, or child to child, the best solution is to walk away from it and create some positive space.
This could be through a walk, a change of rooms, exercise etc. Getting outdoors is a great refresh button. It is all about creating psychological space so that the heightened tension drops down a notch or too.
Don't underestimate the value of just resting from the tension. Teachers will often take their children outside for a run or a quick game to break the cycle and this certainly makes everyone more at ease. It is a simple solution as a stress buster but highly effective.
In Japan, it is quite common that office workers will stand from their seats, stretch and exercise on a regular basis to freshen their mindset and get their circulation going.
Creating this space means that when you get back to facing the issue, you are better equipped to handle the situation calmly and with reason.
Just a simple break can lower the tension and raise positive vibes.
The benefits of a simple break can reaise positive vibes