What is really the truth for a child?

Let's refer to our younger children, preschoolers and possibly up to ten years of age.  A concern parents sometimes have is finding the truth from tricky situations that usually end up in tears etc.

When a child is under pressure and feels some anxiety in explaining a situation which could lead them into trouble and no doubt prove their guilt, it is not uncommon that they can fantasise situations to avoid the truth. To me, this is not actually lying but is the child's mind finding a coping mechanism to ensure that the child's anxieties stop rising. This is sometimes hard for parents to accept, especially if the truth is very obvious. Sometimes, with older children, they will focus on the blame and shaming of others involved or those that caused them to do the wrong thing. This is displacement and yet another way of coping by not telling the truth and once again reducing their anxiety levels.

Of course a vicious cycle then can switch into action. The parents becomes angrier and more frustrated and so the child recognising the heightened level of stress will hold on to their fantasy to save their emotional state. Sometimes they simply become silent which further frustrates parents.

Let's look at this another way. If we want the truth, we need to set up an environment that not only encourages the truth, but also affirms and celebrates the child's ability to speak the truth.

Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed. 

•  When a child says the truth even over incidental and less emotive reasons affirm them.

 “Thanks for telling the truth about the spilt milk. I know that you understand how slippery and dangerous it can be on the floor”. In other words, you recognise that telling the truth improved the situation.

•  As a family talk about how telling the truth is important to you. Talk about people you know and value that always tell the truth. Are they well respected?

•  Sometimes children's movies have elements around telling the truth. If watching one, highlight the advantages in speaking the truth.

•  When an incident occurs watch your body language. If you appear hostile and anxious to know the truth, you may not get it as emotional barriers quickly rise in the child. Talk about a time perhaps as a child yourself where you found it difficult to tell the truth. How did  you feel afterwards when it was all over?

•  If a child does fantasise the truth, do not be critical of their story but rather indicate that you have listened and you are still needing to find the true reason.

 “I hear what you have told me. I am feeling upset that I need other information about what has happened and I hope you can help me.”

When the truth is given, remember that forgiveness and moving on are very important.

Your unconditional love for your child is clear when you can move on from the problem, especially when they have been truthful.

In working with children, especially those that sadly were sent to me for some unacceptable behaviour, I would begin by saying:

 “I am hoping you can help me find out about the incident as I need to help everyone      concerned”.

This is being proactive. It then put the child in a less vulnerable situation and shifted the guilt to the centre of the problem. Once the child admitted their involvement, it was a matter of thanking them for their honesty before dealing with the overall problem. This comfortably led them to be honest with some credibility for being truthful.

 Maintaining a child's dignity is important throughout this whole exercise.

Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed.

Take care with incidental language

One of the most powerful ways we influence our children is the language we use when we talk to them on a regular basis. We may do many things for our children but how we use our language is critical in how they understand out intent and how they recognise their role through your words.

This article is about how we speak incidentally and its impact on our children. It is about developing awareness that sometimes in just having a general conversation, we can make a negative statement about our child, it can be a put down and no surprises when we get a negative response.

           “John, let me carry that over to the bench. It's too heavy for you.”

            “Do your homework in that room, it is a silly thing to do it near the television.”

In both these statements we refer to their competency level.

Better to say something like:

            “John I'll carry that over to the bench. Thanks for your help.”

            “You can do your homework in a room where there is less noise”

It is of course necessary to get your message across, but care must be taken that a “put down” is not incidentally and without intent, included in the language. We can do this very effectively without being aware of its destructiveness or the regularity with which we say it.

We can develop patterns where a child's vulnerable side is mentioned quite often.

            “You are not big enough to help mum. When you're older you can help.”

We need to take care, as this habit can spread to other members of the family who pick up the intent and run with it themselves. Sometimes the order of the family can be a factor here.

When working with children, they would mention the perception that the family had of them at home. This would affect their own self perception and in some cases how they acted out with others.

Remember, that no matter what order your child is in the family, they are unique with age and size capabilities should all be seen as special and not inadequate. Incidentally referring to a vulnerability can become a habit and it will stick especially with the rest of the family.

             “Jenny you know how clumsy you are, be careful when you carry that plate!”

 Try saying:

             “Jenny thanks for taking the plate. Take care.”

 The outcome here is likely to be more successful or at least there is no incidental labelling.

                                              It's all in the words.

“People may hear your words but they feel your attitude”

— John C Maxwell

It’s all in the words

Nine parenting tips to make life easier and enjoy your children

Consider just how busy you are on so many levels. You want to get the very best from your relationship with your child but sometimes struggle to enjoy the experience due to family pressure, work or tiredness. As parents the time flies quickly and before you know it, our three year old has turned five and then eight and so it goes quickly. Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time. All these feelings that you have as a busy parent are quite normal and I would add healthy as you reflect on the values of your child and the preciousness of them growing up quickly.

Over the years I have observed many families' habits in designing family structures to find time with children. I have also experienced my own journey in finding ways to spend more time with the children.

 Here are some thoughts on how to remain sane and enjoy your child even though the clock ticks so fast.

• Slow down. This may seem impossible but try and find some aspects of the week where you can reduce or slow down some activities. If you look at the week ahead you may find activities that could be pushed to the next week or simply taken out. The more you reduce the business, the more space you will find for your child.

• Start uncluttering. Even keeping the house a little simpler can reduce your workload and you may notice your child more often. The Swedish are very good at keeping things simple. Just consider Ikea!

• Set up a chart with a  'tune in' date included each week where you simply spend time with your child. If you have several children, perhaps this can be done over several weeks.

• Always check in with yourself each week to establish how you have engaged with your child that particular week. Have you had sound conversation, laughter together, cuddles, positive talk etc? This helps us to catch up if we have neglected some personal time with our child.

• Reading to a child at night is wonderful for spending quality time together. With a larger family, try reading to them all once or twice a week. Choose a novel that they can enjoy together.

• If you have family routines like walking the dog, gardening etc. try to include your child in that activity. This is a wonderful time to share together. Just simply hanging washing on the line is a great shared time to talk.

• If you had a busy week and not made much personal time to talk, write a note to your child and leave it under their pillow, in their lunch box etc. Little surprises like this can enliven your experiences together.

• Ask the child to list times when they think you can connect together. You will be surprised the array of ideas that a child will present.

• Find a special interest that just you and your child share together. I know of one family who has a special jigsaw puzzle set up on a table that only dad and the child work on together.

In working with families, I noticed that parents who reflected on their child's development were more inclined to feel the loss of connection when they did not spend quality time with them.

This is about reducing regret for missed opportunities but rather capitalising on occasions, modifying your routines etc. to find precious time with your child.

“If you want your child to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them. And half as much money.”

— Abigail Van Buren 

Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time.

Feeling sorry is important but within reason.

Do you have a very sensitive child? If so, you will understand how sometimes they will disproportionately worry or feel upset over matters. Do you have a child always apologising or perhaps getting upset very easily over minor matters.

This blog is about putting worries into proportion. I heard recently a psychologist talk about how something in her past as a child stayed with her for a very long time. She had deep feelings of regret and sorrow over a matter which was not seen in the correct light or understood by adults. It was a displaced issue where someone in the family had died but she had not seen them for a while and as a small child she felt some responsibility for their passing. This may sound a crazy connection, but sometimes a child's mind can carry a sad feeling into adulthood. This silence can be deafening as the years progress.

Think about your own childhood. Were there any incidences that you can recall that brings sadness to your mind and that you attribute yourself to blame? Often families separating when a child is young can stay with the child into adulthood. They question, were they to blame? If only they had done something about it.

These often irrational sorrows can linger in our minds for quite some time in a subliminal way.

In working with children I was always keen to clear the cobwebs so to speak. Invite the child to talk about their fears and worries.

Here are some tips to keep their worries up to the surface of their thoughts and not buried deep to be resurrected as an adult.

• As a family, plan weekly chats about everyone's week. Use this occasion to talk about family issues that have been dealt with and discuss how everyone feels about them.

• If you notice a child not talking about a matter, find a quiet time to chat with them. It is best to deal with matters sooner rather than later.

• Use the scale system. On a scale of one to ten, how did our week go? Be honest about matters that you had to deal with and chat about how you felt at the time.

• At the end of the week, reflect on matters that may have impacted on your child. This gives you the chance to sensitively discuss them as a family. Remember this is about teaching children that talking about feelings is such a  positive and emotionally settling thing to do regularly.

Remember that a child will understand problems subject to their age and how it is understood in the family. This is about teasing out any unsettling matters that may be locked into their minds.

Children should of course feel sorry over matters, but it should be a mentally healthy way of being sorry.

Call your weekly session “the throw away the cobwebs” session.

Irrational sorrows from childhood can linger in our minds for quite some time in a subliminal way.

Checking in on the happiness level of your family.

When the family gathers, is there an air of happiness?  Families that seem happy and enjoy each other's company tend to talk more together, are certainly noisier and from my observation seem to have a well developed ability and interest in listening to each other. They seem more tolerant of each other's vulnerable sides and will often find humour in the various habits and patterns that members of the family adopt.

We should never underestimate that being happy is actually a strength and that seeing the world in a positive light can set the scene for a family to work out of a positive disposition.

When emotions like anger, frustration and disappointment dominate a parent's disposition, any wonder that the child will close down their communication and develop coping skills around the parent.  Such negative emotions can also be seen by the child as a use of power against themselves.

Children sense very easily what buttons will trigger negative emotions in their parents. They will also develop their own ability to get their needs met and sometimes this involves going around the parent.

Developing a positive, optimistic mode of operating around each other is most inviting to a child. It is quite compulsive. People like being around such people and so too children. Of course life presents challenges and when a parent feels less likely to be optimistic, happy to engage and positive, it is best to let your child know.

“Today I feel not at my best. I have some things on my mind and tomorrow will be a better day.”

This is all about alerting your child when to best approach them for advice etc. It also reduces confusion for the child who knows you as a happy, positive person.

Keeping the happy levels of the family at a high  level should be a focus for parents. Laugh together and enjoy hearing the delights of each other's experiences. Go into conversation with a positive approach. Find warmth and humour in what they have to tell you. Use affirming language and avoid down language.

 “I had so much shopping to do today. Wow. I felt like a donkey carrying all those groceries. I think I looked like a donkey too with my sore back.”

Down language could be:

 “I had so much shopping to do today. It was heavy and my back is so sore”

The use of positive language does not undermine the message but creates a positive aspect to how it is expressed.

If children hear such positive inflection in their parent's conversation they will respond positively themselves and certainly be less cautious in talking to their parents, feeling emotionally much safer.

In working with children, they would sometimes tell me that they would choose not to talk about certain topics to their parents as it made their parents angry. They would be selective in what and how they expressed themselves.

 Try some of the following to lighten the load and brighten the day.

• Smile often when talking.

• Have a warm tone in your conversation.

• Use a gentle calm voice at all times. Sometimes, when they talk about their day have a laugh and join in the story.

• Applaud their strengths with confidence and warm thoughts.

 Some parents have affectionate titles for their children which makes the child feel good.

 “Thanks speedy. I always get it on time.”

 “Hey handsome pass me the spoon.”

Tell jokes to each other. The children love joke telling. I know of one family who have a very bad book of jokes but the family have a joke sharing time each week. This is great fun. Tell them your rate of happiness.

 “Today I feel ten out of ten in being just happy. What is your number?”

The message to the child is that taking on a positive happy disposition, enlivens the space in which you live. You are telling them that when I feel happy, the world is a better place, come and join me!

                                 “The secret of a long life,

                                     LAUGHTER.

                                 The secret of a long-lasting relationship

                                  laughing together.....”

~ tinybuddha.com

Developing a positive, optimistic mode of operating around each other is most inviting to a child.

Some children demand more attention or perhaps just need more attention?

Have you noticed how some children demand more attention than others?

I have often wondered about this as we can easily see in classrooms how each child responds differently to the teacher.

There are many myths and stories around why this is so, but I have come to the conclusion that some children need more attention because it is simply part of their personality. It is often the case that if they over demand from parents, they often over demand equally from others in differing ways. Think about those adults you know who have a personality type that is more 'out there'. They are sometimes not great listeners and seem to have too much to say. This can be very off putting to the listener.

Of course, there can be legitimate reasons for a child demanding more attention. If the behaviour is extreme, this does need to be explored with various support groups such as teachers and counsellors. In this article I am referring to a child that has developed a style where they will over talk others in the family or generally set up behaviour to ensure that all eyes are on them!

Firstly, let us see the positive here. The child is keen to be actively engaged. This can be a good thing in moderation. Repeated bouts of behaviour that draw attention to themselves can be self destructive and the child is not learning the best ways to be effective as a communicator.

For these children, it is all about setting up conditions that give them the opportunity to have a voice and also to learn the benefits of listening to others.

This is a slow and steady process which does require trying to set up positive reinforcement for the child when they successfully change their behaviour. I suggest the following ideas may be helpful in working on conditioning some change in their behaviour so that they feel satisfied they are heard and learn to listen to others.

•  Set up a time when you sit and simply talk about the issue. Make sure you affirm their voice first.

  “I am very impressed that you want to be part of so many conversations. It can be tricky   when we all talk at once.”

•  Discuss how taking turns in talking is a positive thing to do. Discuss a simple plan to affirm your child when he practices slowing down and listening to others. Perhaps agree that if he listens well and waits you can give him extra time to talk at the end.

• Play games with the family. This is about sharing and waiting patiently for each person to have their say and their go.

Some parents have found it useful to promise extra chat time before bed when they demonstrated they could listen. I know one family who accumulated the time. For every time the child waited patiently, they added an extra few minutes onto night chats.

When working with children I have found that if you simply sit and listen with intent in an uninterrupted time, they feel quite satisfied. So much of our time in listening is done on the run. Active listening is so helpful for these children as you are gently repeating and reflecting back on what they have said. On so many occasions, children do not really think we are truly listening and just keep on with the negative attention seeking behaviour.

Don't forget to spontaneously celebrate when they actually slow down and listen.

 “Well Done. You listened to your brother so well. I am wondering what you want to say now?”

Watch your body language around these children. They are very aware that you are sensitive to their repeated calls for attention. If we appear very irritated the behaviour can actually escalate. Try and remain calm and gently remind them about how they are great talkers but need now to wait and listen.

As a family practise silence for a few minutes. Many schools use yoga or meditation to train children into enjoying and understanding silence. Some families have a minute silence before they all chat about their day or eat a meal.

Remember that attention seeking can be for many reasons. The above thoughts reflect helping a child feel reassured that their voice is strong and valued in the family. It can be understood by all in less pronounced ways with support.                           

Have you noticed how some children demand more attention than others?

The difference each child makes.

How different we all are in so many varied ways. Sometimes, we look at the order of our children to gain insight into understanding their personality. Generally, we can detect certain patterns that are common to first children, generally more conservative, the second child usually more robust and a risk taker. It is not uncommon to hear parents comment on how different their children are and yet the upbringing is the same for all.

The reason is simple. Each child is different and their growth will be unique. Parenting should reflect that each child will have different needs that should be addressed.

In order for each child to be themselves, they will need their own time and space to just simply be themselves. This can be a challenge for parents who sometimes struggle to understand how each child responds differently to the family structure, especially rules and regulations. Rather than being frustrated about this, turn it into a positive. Aren't we lucky to have such variation in our children.

Each child has needs that challenge us to work with them differently. It also challenges ourselves in how we parent. Some children are quite and more reserved, some children are very vocal and  demanding. The variations go on indefinitely.

 The key is for parents to keep in mind:

• Every child is unique.

• Sometimes this may mean how I work with the child will be different.

• I understand that whilst I give equal time to my children, it is natural that some children may demand more. This can be frustrating but is necessary given their individual needs.

• I recognise that listening to my children will be different for each child.

• I will need to cater for individual differences and see them as a gift in each child.

• I will need to take care that quieter, less open children will need to be drawn out more in conversation. Still, I respect their quiet nature.

• Sometimes as a family we need to do collective activities. It is however, important to check in with each child as to how they are engaging with family matters.

• I need to be careful in using language that does not indicate competition between children.

• Each child will have their own set of strengths that need to be celebrated. There is no need to have all my children achieving and successful in the same way. From time to time, some children will shine more than others. This is normal practice in an energised family.

• We look for tendencies in our children that remind us of ourselves. Take care that we do not highlight aspects of a child that are not seen favourably by everyone.

• Take care not to label a child with a particular characteristics. As they grow, especially into teenagers, their personality will keep evolving overtime and with this may come significant changes.

• Given that each child is an individual, be open to surprises with them and relish the little changes that appear from time to time.

When working with children, I was amazed by how insightful children were regarding their parent's perception of them. I soon realised in working with children that their sensitivity to their parent's perception of themselves impacted on how they operated around their parents.

We need to have an open mind and heart to the beauty of the individual child during their precious time of growth. We need to see their individual changes, no matter how varied and uniquely different as another step in becoming a well rounded young adult.

Every child is unique.

Celebrate the differences in the family.

Just how unique is your family? Each person, father, wife, son, daughter etc. have their own qualities which deserve to be celebrated and acknowledged. In the busy life of families, we tend to do more of the same at times and each child will naturally react differently to what is put in front of them. Families often act as a regimented group, it's more efficient that way. What we need to remind ourselves of occasionally is the unique nature of each child. What you notice as different can be a great skill or developing strength.

When working with children who felt vulnerable, it was not uncommon to hear them comment on how they see themselves as different from their siblings. Sometimes, this difference causes problems with the family as it does not fit in with expectations. They perceive their strengths or differences as problem areas. These differences can often just be the child's perceptions or viewpoints or interests.  The trick is to recognise their differences and to acknowledge them wherever possible.

Some children are vocal and express themselves strongly, others are more reserved and reflective. Some children show very visible aptitude in certain areas, others take on a calmer, steadier way of being. It is not about placing a value judgement on the child, but rather recognising their uniqueness.

“I just love the way you organise your room. You are certainly a very neat person. A great quality to have in life and a great example to our family.”

“I wish I could sing as well as you. Your voice is strong and unique in our family”

“Our family is amazing. John is excellent at Maths and your strength is very evident in story writing. We are all so different. I just love all the wonderful strengths we bring to this family.”

Note here how we refer to all the gifts and strengths that the family has and how it strengthens the whole family. Within your family celebrate all the differences which make for a tapestry of family gifts.

Consider:

• Catching them out when you notice their differences.

• Invite your child to talk about the things that they do well.

• Comment on spontaneous behaviour which displays their uniqueness, especially in front of the rest of the family.

• Encourage each child to comment on what they notice about the other siblings.

• Have a brag sheet on the fridge. This is about highlighting characteristics of the child which you want to celebrate across the week.

 It is about creating a family culture that applauds differences and celebrates each person's uniqueness.

Each person, father, wife, son, daughter etc. have their own qualities which deserve to be celebrated

Power games can be dangerous.

I have mentioned the use of power in a previous article. This time I discuss how power can be hidden in how we communicate. We may be perfectly innocent about using power, but still it can appear in our behaviour. Sometimes it would be true to say that a child looks for signs in the parent's behaviour that to them depict the use of power.

Let us not get confused with authority. As parents we have the responsibility to provide for our children and we have the authority to manage them. A child, as early as a preschooler comes to know how you operate as a  parent. They read the signs very well as they need to feel reassured that all is well with them and the parent. In fact, they are frequently checking in with us to see how they are going in your eyes.

These signs through our behaviour, need to be positive, clear and consistent. Giving the child mixed messages only makes them anxious and confused. This can be construed as the use of power. We all know how intermittent anxiety can be hard to live around. This is when we have no prediction of when another person will be reactive.

The following are suggestions to keep the behavioural messages clear to the child and free of building up anxiety in them.

• When you need to talk to a child about a matter speak calmly and with clarity. Often when a child is hearing about how they have done something wrong in class, they will often say that the teacher yells at them. There is something about anxiety and how you are spoken too which is important.

• Short sentences and breaks in between sentences helps children better process what you are saying to them.

• Always try not to be too emotive in how you communicate messages that could cause some distress.

• Check where you talk to a child about important matters. Busy shopping centres, noisy environments, crowded spaces etc will only make the child feel overwhelmed by the situation and powerless to respond.

 Remember to use the I statement

  “I am disappointed that you....”

 Also use the positive I statements as well to ensure balance in conversations.

         “I am very happy that you......”

Ensure that the child understands your purpose for the conversation. Never let them hover about unsure about the outcomes This is quite unsettling and can be seen as using power indirectly.

When talking to a child about a matter, remember to use good eye contact and listen with care when they respond. The child needs to feel that you are really listening to their response and that you value what they say. If you show little interest in their response then once again power is being used over the child.

Always follow up after matters have been resolved and affirm the child's efforts in working through situations.

The use of power over children eventually runs out as the child grows and realises the empty vessel that power has become. We need to be developing a positive influence on our children so that they come to us unimpeded by fear of consequences. We are also teaching them how to manage themselves without relying on the use of power.

In working with children, it was not uncommon for them to tell me which parents they would go to when a problem arose. No surprises it was the parents that listened and did not force their thinking onto them.

This article is about checking in on how your behaviour impacts on your child, keeping in mind that they are looking for reassurance rather than disapproval and incidental use of power.

Children gravitate around what is mentally safe for them. They seek it out. They intuitively search for love and will be comfortably in tune with parents that they emotionally trust and are predictable

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children”

— Charles R Swindell

It’s important we don’t confuse authority with power. Here’s steps to help you work through issues without the use of ‘power’ and teach your child to do the same.

Parents are different and that's OK

Who remembers their upbringing? Well, one thing is for certain as soon as you become a parent, you begin to reflect on your own upbringing. As the child becomes more independent, patterns of how your parents dealt with various situations looms large in your mind. It was not uncommon to hear from parents how they found themselves repeating words that their parents had said to them when growing up. Some parents were anxious not to repeat the same child rearing as their parents and so they sometimes overcompensated with their children which led to other problems.

Having your own children causes you to reflect more deeply on your own childhood.

As parents from different upbringings, we bring to the table, different ideas about how to raise our children. No surprises here that this can cause some tension between parents.

Also it is no surprise that the child will gravitate around the parent less punitive, less judgemental and often more relaxed in listening. This can sometimes cause more frustration on the part of the other parent who feels that the child needs more discipline.

This article reminds us that firstly we need to accept that parents may have different understandings of child rearing and together parents bring a lot to the table. There is no absolute right or wrong. The best way to manage this situation is to agree as parents that you are honest with your child in acknowledging that sometimes parents see things differently. The child is very aware of this and the more it is understood in the family, the better for all. I would also suggest that as parents consider attending a small parenting course together. This brings out the differences but especially focuses on how certain common factors in parenting should be shared by both parents.

As a family discuss important issues together as this will give both parents a chance to look at the matters in hand.

Sometimes one parent is better at dealing with some issue and as a couple agree on when this should happen.

Having a united front can sometimes be overwhelming for the child as they feel they have no place to go in discussing and negotiating their problems.

Both parents could practice the following:

• Never be over reactive when hearing about a situation. After all you want your child to keep talking. Listen with interest before you ask questions and work through the issue. If a parent feels that they may be reactive to what is being discussed then I would recommend that this could be a matter for the other parent.

• Ensure that your child understands that both parents are good listeners and that sometimes one parent may work through the matter rather than the other or both parents. Being consistent can be difficult. This is why discussing all the ins and outs of the situation are important before making decisions.

The more parents make themselves available to the child, the greater chance of children being open to both parents in their discussions.

When talking to parents I noticed that those children who had authentic relationships with their parents felt that home was a safe place to talk about matters. They would often tell me how their parents reacted to different situations but would comfortably say, “I can talk to mum or dad”.

It is also helpful to talk to the child about your childhood so that they can understand your journey as a child. This helps them reflect on the differences in their family.

The one factor parents have in common is that they care for their child and want them to grow up happy and well adjusted. Parents can be different, be a capable listener and genuine in how they communicate with their child.

Do you have different parenting styles?

Find those conversation spaces they make such a difference.

The days are so complex, busy, noisy and emotionally crowded at times. Everyone wants your time and attention. Finding time to just simply talk to your child without interruptions can be so difficult.

Do days pass when you wonder if you have had any real conversations with your child other than giving instructions, talking about the practicality of the day etc.? You can often feel as though real conversation has passed you by.

This article is about seeking out occasions to have conversations without other factors getting in the way. It is about finding emotional space to just talk about a topic that might be on the mind of the child or yourself. It does not need to have any specific direction, other than pleasant conversation between the two of you.

Many parents find small conversations in the car work well. Sometimes, the simplicity of just sitting in a car together which is uncomplicated and not invaded by other people can be a great time to talk about some matter on your mind. Also bedtime is often seen as a time to have small conversations together. Some parents tell me when snuggled up watching a movie can bring out great conversations. Remember these are pleasant together times where conversation is simply enjoyed between the two of you.

Think about times when you are cooking together, playing together. Find occasional spaces when real conversation can be had by both child and adult. It is amazing how moments of powerful statements can be made in the most ordinary of circumstances. This is about finding small pockets of time where you are simply enjoying each other's space and it can be a perfect occasion to just talk comfortably. Never underestimate how these occasions can be helpful in really talking with your child. These are honest moments and are truly authentic. Most importantly they are enjoyed by both parties.

In working with children I would sometimes go for a walk on the school yard and just talk about the environment. It was amazing how calmly and comfortably the child would feel in talking to you. Make your conversation spaces a popular time for your child to just talk to you without complication, judgement or interruptions. Walk with them in and through conversation.

“When I talk to you, my day gets a whole lot better”

— Kushandwizdom

When was the last time you had a moment to truly connect and chat with your child?

Make the most of your mistakes

We all make mistakes and thank God for that!

Einstein, the great physicist, was famous for commenting on how repeated mistakes led to his final discoveries. We need error to check our thinking and stimulate us to look for other ways and processes to be successful. Having said that, it is still often a concern for some children when they make a mistake. Some children develop a fear of making a mistake. In working with children it often appeared to be tied up with their belief that they will let their parents down. Unfortunately, the more they are conditioned to hanging onto this fear, the less they will try as they feel more secure in just not having a go! After all that makes them feel more secure!

Teachers often struggle with this issue in the classroom. At the risk of sounding too sure of myself, I see this problem generally in first children. They are more inclined to be cautious and only take one step forward and sometimes two steps back!

We need to understand that they fear disappointing others. Therefore, we need to reassure them that we applaud the effort not the outcome. It is all about celebrating, 'having a go'.

 Here are some suggestions for supporting the child through this habit forming problem.

•  As a family set up a 'having a go' sheet. Every time the child tells you that they really had a go over some tricky situation put a tick on the sheet and agree to some reward when the chart has completed ten ticks. This is all about changing patterns and affirming the effort.

• Be spontaneous and when you notice an attempt, affirm the child.

• When you look at the school work that comes home, take care to comment on the work completed and the effort made. Avoid highlighting the mistakes.

          Here you say:

           “These are where you have growth curves to learn more. We all have growth curves.”

             Talk about your growth curves that you are working on to improve yourself.

• Across the week when chatting, talk about one situation where you had a go even though it was hard. Discuss how you felt? Take care not to talk about too many successes. Just focus on the effort you took. Keep in mind their fear of disappointing you. Reinforce how happy you are when they simply, 'have a go'.

  You could say,

            “ I love your efforts. You always have a go and that is what I love about you”

There are some excellent children's feeling books obtainable in most libraries. This could be a great way of talking about fears of making mistakes. Talk to the school librarian or to the local librarian about suitable books. Remember, we are changing their thoughts on what really pleases us. It is all about the effort.

“ Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

— Albert Einstein

We need to understand that children fear disappointing others. We need to reassure them that we applaud the effort not the outcome. It is all about celebrating, 'having a go'.

Search out opportunities where ever possible. Seize the moment!

Sometimes the days pass with regularity and we rise to meet various expectations. We are so busy just getting through the week and ensuring that we have ticked off all that we need to do especially with regard to children's activities after school etc.

What this article is about is quintessentially to search out the opportunities in the ordinary nature of the day to affirm and acknowledge your child's efforts in many and varied areas, big and small. Incidental praise is very much positive reinforcement intermittently and can be quite powerful and effective in building the child's emotional well being. It is all about the element of surprise. The more you do it, the more realised will become the child's behaviour.

 “Well done. You certainly know how well to unpack the groceries. I can start the dinner now.”

 “I love the way you play with your younger brother. You are so gentle and understanding.”

In this way we identify unrealised strengths in so many areas. Note that this positive talk is quite specific and outlines why you are pleased, grateful or simply happy with their performance.

The more specific you are, the more genuine sounding is the statement. It also tells the child that their behaviour has had an impact on someone else.

 “I really love the way you clean your room. Everything is put back in its right spot and I can walk around the room easily.”

Searching out opportunities is all about noticing occasions when your child spontaneously shows strengths in behaviours which sometimes we just take for granted. I am a great advocate of seizing the moment especially when they demonstrate gratitude, empathy to others or behaviour demonstrating an unselfish nature. This is all about strengthening their emotional literacies.

In the school setting, it is often a feature of the teacher's work. That is to spot the positive behaviour which impacts on others. After all, teachers model such behaviour themselves to the children all day.

Across the day, simply notice those times when your child demonstrates behaviour that does make a difference to those around them. Surprise them with positive recognition. This is optimising their growth.  This is positive feedback.

It also helps the child realise so many of the ordinary things that they do, are actually done well

Praising children helps them to realise so many of the ordinary things that they do, are actually done well.

Show confidence in your child. It makes such a difference.

This might seem a strange topic? Especially as you will say that I always show my child the confidence I have in them at all times. Our children carefully read messages that we give them both directly and indirectly. They are always looking for that special reassurance from their parents. They are keen to gain approval and the more they understand and appreciate your style of affirming them, the better.

With all of this in mind, this article is alerting us to be consistent and clear in the way we show them how confident we are in them.

 Here are a few thoughts on the matter.

• Use the same words often.

“I am really confident in your ability to do your very best”

After giving such a  message ensure the follow up is equally as valid and does not drop intent.

          “Great effort today. I could see how much effort you put into it.”

•  Always keep the same thread running through your conversations, especially with regard to showing confidence in their efforts. Take care that if you are making some comments about improvement, it still needs to demonstrate to the child that you are confident of their ability to have ago. This confidence has in no way been compromised.

• Areas in which parents can often fall down here is when they comment on sport. Children need encouragement and they need to feel that their best was recognised by the parent. Take care not to subtly imply that you expected more from them or that you were proud of them but extra effort would have been better. When subtle, negative messages are put into such sentences, the child generally just hears the subtle criticism and so the affirmation has very little value.

I appreciate that this sounds complicated but it actually means that showing confidence in a child is simply and exactly that! You say and demonstrate consistently that you have confidence in their efforts and abilities. You understand that improvement is always part of the process. I have seen in working with children that by demonstrating absolute, uncomplicated confidence in a child, improvement naturally occurs.

The child who feels that parents have confidence in them, naturally take ownership of their own improvements. After all, if their parents are confident in them, everything is possible.

“The way you speak to your children, is the single greatest factor in shaping their personalities and self discipline.”

— Brian Tracey

The child who feels that parents have confidence in them, naturally take ownership of their own improvements. After all, if their parents are confident in them, everything is possible.

Keeping school attendance consistent.

I certainly do not want to sound like the punitive Principal who stresses the need to be consistent with school attendence. However, there are sound reasons why being consistent in attending school is so important for your child's overall development.

Firstly, the child needs to develop the life long habit of simply getting up and being accountable to something important, in this case attending school. It is about having a purpose for getting up. Children certainly are keen to be punctual for so many sporting events which they love and for which they feel strongly connected to their peers. Whilst school may not have that same buzz each day, the habit of getting up and regularly attending school teaches them that are honouring an important responsibility.

Behavioural changes can happen if a child does have protracted absences from school. They actually feel anxious about returning as they worry about friendship groups moving on from them. Also missing out on school work causes them to feel less successful in learning and this can cause other problems such as disinterest in their work or general lack of motivation.

In order for children to enjoy school they need to feel successful, socially and through their success in school work. Frequent absences diminishes their capacity to be successful on both scales.

It is also apparent that when children return to school after absences of any length, sometimes their behaviour may change as they are feeling unsure of themselves and their place amongst their peers. Teachers will often comment on the noticeable change.

Another important reason for regular attendance is that you are giving them a strong message that learning is an important part of their life and that you value their attendance each day.

If there are significant reasons for absences including sickness, family holidays etc, discuss with your child why it is important to be absent and plan with the school how you will manage the situation as a family. By doing this you are informing the child that at no point are you not respecting the role of school in their life. It is not incidental, it is a powerful influence in their life, This is all about showing the child that learning is a life long process and should never be seen in an incidental way.

Finally, I appreciate that for some children a week at school can be a long time. It is approximately, five hours a day and the child is being set expectations across that time. Now consider school across ten weeks of a term and forty weeks across the year. This can be a high demand for some children who feel the pressure to succeed or who struggle with peer relations. By allowing them to stay at home only heightens their anxiety.

If school refusal creeps in, parents should act quickly and talk to the school about the matter. Also home should give the child much reassurance that they are proud of their efforts and I would itemise all the positives you notice about school. However, should the child start rejecting school, the sooner it is understood and the child is supported, the quicker the child can move on from being anxious.

Schools are well supported when it comes to helping children settle into school. Of course should a family situation change, sometimes school refusal creeps in as the child may get anxious about home. Whatever the reason, keep the school well in the loop as they take their responsibility very seriously with regard to the child's well being.

By allowing children to stay at home from school only heightens their anxiety.

Bedtime can be tricky.

Who likes going to bed? Do I hear a resounding “yes” from tired parents or a reluctant “no” as there is so much to do when the child has gone to bed. Bedtime is a tricky and difficult time for some families. If you are a family with strong, regular  routine and a fair amount of house discipline, you may find this not an issue. However, many families due to the various ages of children in the family, the variable nature of the week etc. struggle in finding that this is the best part of their day!

It was quite obvious in the school setting that some children needed more sleep than others, some went to bed with ease and anticipation and others were quite often dozing in the afternoon. You certainly do not need a lecture from me as I also struggled with this issue as a busy parent.

When working with children, I noticed that those students who liked routine and order were often able to adjust to sleeping at the same time each night according to their parents. Camps proved this as some children despite all the noise and excitement were asleep by 8:00p.m!

Research tells us that regular sleep patterns and plenty of sleep are needed for a healthy mind and body. Consider the following ideas that may help some families in establishing reasonable patterns with regard to bedtime.

•  Have a family meeting at the beginning of the week and look at the plans for that week. Discuss what time is agreed upon to go to bed each night. This may vary a little subject to family demands.

• Discuss what bedtime looks like for each child. Is it reading for half an hour, listening to music etc? It may be different for each child subject to age and interests. Also daylight saving may present different challenges for bedtime arrangements.

• Set up a chart perhaps on the fridge and agree to tick off each day after everyone has honoured the arrangements.

• If the night before was successful remember to affirm everyone for their efforts. If not so successful gently discuss what prevented the plan from working well.

Parents should also put their plans in place and use the chart to show the children how important it is to reflect on how much sleep they are getting each night.

Check the environment in which the the child is sleeping. Are there too many lights to distract them set up around the house. This also applies to noise around the house at bedtime.

Sometimes children do need a soft light to assist in sleeping. This is all about discussing with them what makes them comfortable at bedtime. Respecting each child's feelings about sleep is important so that they understand you are listening as a parent to their concerns.

Also note that if the child is highly active before bed this could delay their ability to settle. Consider how to slow down the house stimulation before bedtime. Some parents find turning down lights is helpful to calm the home environment.

Whilst we all desire the routine and regularity of bedtime, I believe it is best to make it a weekly family discussion so that everyone is aware that regular sleep is valued in the family.

We are all working towards maintaining the best situation possible under the pressures of the week.

Happy sleeping!

Research tells us that regular sleep patterns and plenty of sleep are needed for a healthy mind and body.

When one child demands your attention, how do the others cope?

Tricky situation when one child is extra demanding. Often in families with several siblings one particular child can be more demanding than the others. This can be for many and varied reasons and certainly if a child is somewhere on the spectrum, difficult behaviour that escalates quickly can dominate your family time and compromise your quality experiences with other members of the family.

Parents become frustrated as they deal with this ongoing and difficult matter. They feel remorse as they do not have the time or energy to give to their other children. One child's behaviour and demands overrides the needs of the others.

This article is to reflect on the other children in the family and to understand more fully their emotional response to this phenomena which impacts on their life throughout childhood.

Often children develop ways of operating when bad behaviour from another sibling occurs regularly. They may escape the scene or attempt to solve the problem for their parents. They may even get caught up with thinking that they are to blame. Whatever their reaction, there is one emotion that many children will go through and that is a feeling of anxiety for their parents going through the grief of their sibling's behaviour.

 You may often hear them say to the parent,

 “Are you OK mum?”

“Is everything OK?” 

They may feel vulnerable and give lots more hugs or offer to do more around the house, etc. It is quite common for children to feel anxiety when they see their parent under pressure. Also tied up in this feeling is a sense of loss for the time they could have with their parent, one on one. This is a form of grief and no surprises that resentment can build in the siblings who sit by and see their parent under such duress. This is a difficult situation for parents who only want the very best for all their children and yet one child is so demanding.

 Here are a few thoughts on how to reduce the other children's resentment:

•  Have an open discussion with the siblings one on one at regular intervals.

Ask them:

“Sometimes mum does have a difficult time with your brother and I wonder how you feel about it?”

 Also note they will be worried about you particularly.

 “When you see mummy upset with your brother, are you worried about me?”

“On a scale of one to ten how worried are you?”

“Let's find ways that we can have one on one time together.”

• Plan each week to talk to the other children about how they are feeling when poor behaviour escalates. Ensure that when an escalation occurs that you tap into them to bring down their anxieties and reassure them of your coping skills. Keep an eye on your first child as they can be quite conservative and really feel the responsibility of the problem.

• It is quite confusing for the siblings to understand their role when such behaviour occurs. Plan to have family meetings and talk about everyone's role in the family. These meetings should be when you feel calm and in control. The sibling's role is definitely not to manage the behaviour nor are they in any way responsible for it.

• If a child is under some support such as a counsellor or psychologist, some parents choose to have  a session with the counsellor and the other siblings to help the whole family understand the reasons for the behaviour.

Primarily this article is about reassuring and reducing anxiety for the other siblings who naturally feel your pain and want to help but can feel somewhat helpless. It is all about giving them the reassurance that your relationship with them is intact and that you as parent in a loving way, have the responsibility of supporting all your children no matter what their needs. It is not their responsibility to manage their difficult sibling.

As the siblings grow up, in time they understand the situation better, but the grief of the compromised relationship they had with their parents can still linger and this needs to be understood by the parents.

What you would like the siblings to reflect on later in life is that although it was hard for mum and dad to deal with the situation, they would always talk to us about its implications on their relationship and they would work on other ways of ensuring our needs were met.

Who ever said parenting was easy!

Who ever said parenting was easy!

Friends are such an important aspect of a child's feeling of self worth.

Do you have a friend? As an adult we have developed social skills that ensure that we can form friends. We are also socially mature enough to cope with disappointments and to not feel under valued when a friendship ceases. Not so with our children, especially in the primary years. This is a time when they are slowly developing their social literacies and developing friendship they see as a mark of emotional success.

Of course by nature of their development, the friendships will come and go and some will be sustainable, others will have bitter sharp endings which cause the child hurt and confusion.

This is about building social stamina and it also involves building resilience and a growing wisdom to accept the fall outs and to seek friends that make them happy without complications.

I found it interesting as a Principal that parents would naturally worry when their child transferred to our school, as they were concerned about how they would settle and form friends. In almost all cases, not only did the child settle but learnt very quickly how they were successful in forming new friends. This undoubtedly built their self esteem. The change of experience helped accelerate a better understanding of groups and friends.

 Consider the following thoughts about how to support your child through the rigours of finding friends:

• Remember, they are not your friends and even though a child may choose a friend that you have some doubts will be suitable, it is important that they work out the ups and downs of that relationship. You are there to discuss their friendship journey but cannot choose their friends.

• Take care not to talk negatively about their friends. This confuses the child and this is an encouragement for them to go underground and not tell you with whom they are associating. This was quite common in working with children to hear them say that as mum doesn't like a certain child, they just don't let them know that they spend time with them.

• Encourage your child to talk openly about their friendship experiences and when they invite you in to offer opinions, talk generally about what works and perhaps talk about the highs and lows of your journey with friends.

• Be open and invite their friends home no matter what you may think about their suitability. In this area you have an all inclusive policy.

• Take care when having birthday parties. Ensure that it is an inclusive list and not one ostracising children unduly.

• If a child talks about school related friendship issues, together with your child talk to the teacher so that sound strategies can be put in place.

• A careful “I” statement when a child talks about another child who has been unkind is worthwhile.“It sounds like they are not ready to be a good friend at the moment.” Take care here not to talk negatively about the other child.

• Never understate their upset feelings about failed relationships. Often they can have very strong unsettled feelings as it is about their sense of self worth.

Finally, a child must grow to own the responsibility of being in relationship with others. Parents can be great listeners, but the child must experience the journey of learning about relationship with all its disappointments and joys.  

This is a time when children are slowly developing their social literacies and developing friendship, they see as a mark of emotional success.

Learning to deal with conflict

We are always on the look out for preventative measures to avoid conflict in our family setting. This is no doubt a sensible way of allowing a child to have a balanced childhood with appropriate affirmation and encouragement and reduced conflict. Having said this, a child will still need to develop skills in recognising and managing conflict. This starts very early in their life. At kindergarten, children begin to learn cooperative play, mixing with other children, sharing etc. Some say that babies have very intense feelings from birth.

Conflict is a natural part of life and as the child matures, skills need to be developed that enable them to better understand themselves and their ability to work effectively with others. They need to develop an awareness of their feelings and reactions to certain situations. They need to develop a language that enables them to cope with potential conflict situations in their day to day life. Some call this emotional competence.

 A parent can help a child develop these competencies in the following ways:

• How you model social interactions is crucial to their developing an understanding of how to manage conflict. If a parent is over reactive, angry and not reflective, this will impact on the child's understanding of managing conflict. If they see the parent, attempt to remain calm, look at the situation clearly and resolve the matter through dialogue and negotiation, this also has an impact on children, a very positive impact.

• Teaching the child how to negotiate is a key skill you are giving them in managing conflict.

  “I understand we have a problem with regard to going to bed on time. Let's find ways             together  to help this problem.”

  “I am upset that you are not doing your chores. Let's list ways of helping you.”

  Teaching negotiation is about putting up options that will help solve the problem and this will involve negotiation and hopefully an outcome of win/win.

• When a conflict occurs remember this is a time to demonstrate good modelling, just slow down, choose a good time to work through the issue with the child and definitely do not deal with the conflict on the run. Begin to look at how both you and the child can look at the issue working towards respecting each others needs. This will involve compromise and what a wonderful emotional tool you as a parent are giving the child.

Many areas of conflict occur at school. You cannot be there on such occasions but discuss with your child what strategies they will use when they are dealing with conflict. This would make a great family discussion regularly.

Schools are generally well set up when it comes to dealing with conflict issues especially given that student well being coordinators are available to support students. Most school teach a range of social skills in class. Most schools teach restorative justice which helps children understand their feelings and those of the other with whom they have a concern. Be in touch with your child's teachers when concerns are raised at home.

When working with children who were quick to temper and had not yet developed social skills to a manage conflict, I would give them this plan.

1.      Stop and think.

2.      What number on the angry scale would you give yourself?

3.      If high walk away, take big breaths and allow some time before dealing with the problem.

4.      If you feel unsure about the skills to work through the problem, seek out an adult.

If we teach our children not to immediately react, often the level of anger drops down and the situation can be dealt without escalation.

The more we teach our children to be emotionally aware, the greater their relationships with others and the more they can effectively engage broadly in various social settings and be influential.

“With our thoughts we make the world”

— Buddha 563-483BC

“With our thoughts we make the world” ~ Buddha