Listening to your children is incredibly important for several reasons
Talk less, listen more next time when you are having a conversation with your children. Consider the following reasons why active listening is so important by Gail Smith.
We all need to feel heard. We need to express our needs to gain help. Children get the support they need by being listened to from a caring and patient parent. Consider the following reasons why active listening is so important:
Building Trust and Connection: When you listen attentively to your children, it strengthens the bond between you. It shows them that their thoughts, feelings, and opinions matter, creating a foundation of trust and openness in your relationship. Children feel safer when being really listened to effectively.
Developing Healthy Communication Skills: By actively listening, you teach your children the importance of effective communication. They learn how to express themselves, articulate their thoughts, and engage in meaningful conversations. Children enjoy being around a child that listens well. They feel reassured and valued.
Boosting Self-Esteem and Confidence: When children feel heard and understood, it boosts their self- esteem. It gives them the confidence to express themselves without fear of judgement, nurturing their sense of self-worth. Being truly heard means that you value that person and believe that what they have to say has credibility.
Understanding Their World: Listening to your children helps you understand their world better. It provides insights into their interests, concerns, and challenges, allowing you to offer guidance and support tailored to their needs. You form better relationships with your child when you understand and appreciate their world.
Building Emotional Intelligence: Listening well nurtures emotional intelligence in children. They learn to identify and express their emotions, leading to better self-regulation and empathy towards others.
Encouraging Problem-Solving Skills: Active listening teaches children problem-solving skills. By allowing them to express their thoughts and feelings, they learn to analyze situations and find solutions independently. This is all about believing in themselves and having trusting people around them that listen.
Strengthening Parent-Child Relationship: When children feel heard and valued, it strengthens the parent-child relationship. It creates a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing their joys and concerns, leading to a deeper connection.
Setting the tone of conversation: When you listen well you are often calm and talk in a comfortable, unstressed manner. This sets the scene for a relaxed and peaceful chat that has value to your child.
By setting up a culture of listening well to your child, you set the scene for an environment where conversation is encouraged and where everyone feels valued and makes contributions.
“Listen well to your child. They will return this compliment later.”
Six important parenting practices with an upbeat approach
Read on for 6 parenting tips to be more positive by involving children, and lightening the idea of control and discipline.
Parenting sometimes needs an upbeat approach to getting children involved. This way it takes some of the burden away and lightens the whole idea that parenting is all about control and discipline.
Give Lots of High-Fives for Good Stuff
When your child does something good, give them a high-five or a thumbs up! Make it a positive moment for both of you.
For example: "Awesome job on your drawing! High-five for all your hard work!"Make Clear Rules Like a Superhero Guide
Be a superhero with clear rules. Imagine you're creating a superhero guide for your family.
For example: "Our superhero guide says we have a bedtime routine to help us sleep like superheroes. What do you think?" Keep it light and amusing.Talk and Listen Like Best Friends Do
Talk and listen like you're each other's best friends.
For example: "Tell me about your day! I'm here to listen, just like best friends do."Show How It's Done, Super Parent Style
Show your child how to be super by being a super parent!
For example: "I'll show you how to clean up, and we'll be superheroes together! Ready?"Let Them Be the Captain, with You as Co-Captain
Your child is the captain, and you're the co-captain. Help them steer!
For example: "You're in charge of choosing today's snack. Captain's choice!"Create Fun Times, Like a Weekly Family Fiesta
Have a weekly family fiesta with games, stories, or just hanging out.
For example: "It's our special family time! What fun thing should we do this week for our family fiesta?"These ideas are all about creating a happy environment where the whole business of parenting is treated in a warm and engaging way with your child. Good parenting is about preventing problem behaviour and engaging with your child in a warm and authentic way. The more you listen effectively and give time, energy and love to your child, the more you will create the best climate to rear your child.
‘All children love a little theatre. Build it into your parenting’.
-Gail J Smith
Teach your child to overcome safe comfort zones
Read here for six simple ways to inspire your child to step outside their comfort zone.
Encouraging children to step out of their comfort zones and take risks is essential for their personal growth and development. It is easy to live with what we know is comfortable and secure. Staying in our comfort zone is a cosy and warm place to be. After all we are wired to stay in it.
Here are six simple and enjoyable ways to inspire them to step outside those comfort zones:
Discover New Interests:
Example: "Let's try a new hobby or activity together, like painting or playing a musical instrument. It's exciting to learn something new!" Keep them interested in the idea that new interests are attractive and should be tried. Show them how you adopt new interests.
Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities:
Example: "Remember, it's okay to make mistakes. When you do, you're actually getting smarter! Let's try solving this puzzle even if we get some answers wrong." Laugh about mistakes. Treat them with respect as they are a way forward in learning new things. Making a mistake leads to rethinking new ideas and strategies
Set Achievable Challenges:
Example: "Pick a goal that seems a little challenging but not too hard, like reading a new book or learning to ride a bike without training wheels. You'll feel so proud when you achieve it!" Let them see that there’s a great feeling of achievement when you achieve a goal. This encourages them to keep seeking out new goals.
Explore New Places:
Example: "How about we visit a new park or go on an adventure hike? Exploring new places can be so much fun, and we can learn new things along the way." Be adventurous. Talk about new places and possible adventures. Invite them to plan your next outdoor adventure.
Encourage Trying New Foods:
Example: "Let's have a 'Try Something New' day where we taste foods we've never had before. Who knows, you might discover a new favourite!" Every now and then, introduce a new food into their diet. Talk about it and invite their comments on what they notice is different.
Celebrate Effort and Courage:
Example: "I'm so impressed by your bravery in trying new things. Let's celebrate your courage with a little family party or a special treat!" When you see them stretch their wings, affirm their efforts. Let them see how you value change and effort leading to new learning.
By incorporating these simple and enjoyable approaches, parents can instil a sense of curiosity, resilience, and a willingness to take healthy risks in their children's lives. Teach them that you are not afraid of difference and that exploration into the unknown is quite exhilarating and offers new challenges. Teach them to reduce the fear of trying something new.
‘The ship is always safe at the shore but that is not what it is built for’
-Albert Einstein
Have you ever heard of the imposter syndrome?
Impostor Syndrome can isolate you from engaging with others. It makes you doubt your worthiness. Read on for some tips to stop these feelings in your children.
It can creep up on you quickly and before you know it you are a victim of it. It’s that nagging feeling that of course you are not good enough and people will find out about you soon enough. It makes you feel vulnerable and not worthy. It is quite a nasty
Imposter syndrome can indeed be damaging, but parents can play a crucial role in helping their children recognize and cope with it.
Here are six ideas with examples for parents to teach their children about imposter syndrome:
Promote Self-Awareness:
Example: Ask your child about their feelings and experiences. Say, "Have you ever felt like you didn't belong or that you weren't good enough? It's okay to feel that way sometimes, and we can talk about it. Those feelings will trick you easily into believing you are just not good enough.”
Normalize Imperfection:
Example: Share your own experiences of self-doubt and how you overcame them. Say, "Even grown-ups sometimes feel like they don't know what they're doing, but we learn and improve as we go along." Talk about the time you had self-doubt and how you worked it through. What clever strategies did you use?
Highlight Effort and Growth:
Example: Praise your child for their hard work and efforts rather than just their achievements. Say, "I'm proud of how you worked on this project, even if the outcome wasn't perfect. You're learning and growing, and that's what matters." Talk about how the effort and the journey was a success in its own right.
Encourage Self-Compassion:
Example: Teach your child to be kind to themselves. Say, "It's okay to make mistakes. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend when they make a mistake." Talk about how mistakes are part of the growth process and we all make them.
Set Realistic Expectations:
Example: Help your child set achievable goals and expectations. Say, "Let's set goals that challenge you but are still doable. That way, you'll feel more confident in reaching them." Be realistic about what is possible and celebrate as goals are reached.
Focus on Strengths and Talents:
Example: Encourage your child to recognise their strengths and talents. Say, "You have unique qualities that make you special. Let's talk about the things you're really good at and proud of." Focus on their personal strengths. The things that make them unique. Highlight how they make a difference.
By addressing imposter syndrome with these strategies and examples, parents can empower their children to develop a healthy self-image, embrace challenges, and build resilience in the face of self-doubt which can be particularly overpowered during adolescence.
‘Self-doubt can be destructive for our children. Keep massaging their sense of self-worth and reminding them how society is richer for having them.'
-Gail J Smith
Set small goals to set success.
It is well known that success breeds success and the more a child feels capable and experiences success they quickly build their confidence which feeds into more success. A child’s daily experiences can help build confidence and encourage further achievement if they are more likely to try new things.
Encourage your child to develop successful habits. It is well known that success breeds success and the more a child feels capable and experiences success they quickly build their confidence which feeds into more success.
Teachers know that when a child gains a sense of success and achievement they are generally happier and more inclined to take a risk and to not worry when they make a mistake. Once they feel capable of success and have demonstrated it to themselves, taking risks is a comfortable process and they’re not worried about making mistakes as their emotional stamina is strong enough to deal with failure.
Attract success. A child should have regular incidences of success both at home and at school. They can be intermittent but they come as part of the child’s daily experiences. Remember ongoing success continues to feed into that sense of well being.
Do you notice how often in small ways your child is successful and if so do you acknowledge it? For example, when your child learns to skip, do headstands, write sentences correctly, play fairly and well in a sports team etc. these are successful occasions. There are many occasions to show how they are successful. These are small incremental steps but build a body of success.
Tell your child that they have had a success when you notice it and talk about the positive feeling associated:
‘You must be so pleased with yourself that you can now get your pen license from school. Well done. What a success.’
A wise person looks to achieve goals that are within grasp. It is all about not sabotaging your sense of possible success. It is about being realistic. You can help your child choose goals that are within reason. Certainly no harm in stretching their thinking but take care that they are not setting unrealistic expectations doomed for failure.
A child who goes after smaller and more regular goals begins to feel very confident and will wisely choose goals that take them a step ahead.
Think about how a child learns to walk. Through trial and error they learn and gradually they push themselves a little harder. What joy for them and everyone when they finally walk. Something drives them to keep going as they move from crawling to sitting up, etc.
Working towards a goal should be a happy experience and should not come with too much stress and anxiety. Too much pressure on a child will make the goal too unreachable and unjustifiably a child will feel a failure. Small steady chunks to achieve reasonable goals is the best way forward.
Teach your child that celebrating success is important along the way. Make it a family habit to regularly talk about the small successes that your child makes. Be noisy about it and it will appear an expected and natural part of life.
Setting a goal that is a long way away means that you need to help your child take small steps to get there. For example, their goal is to learn how to sew and they want to make a dress. You will take small steps in teaching them and applaud the small improvements along the way. So much to learn but with increased knowledge and experience on the sewing machine the final garment is a product of great pride and success.
Finally, be observant and notice those small, incidental, successful steps your child takes and they will do the rest!
‘Success is not final, failure is not fatal:
It is the courage to continue that counts.’
-Winston Churchill
Is your child comparing themselves to others?
A child is always on the go developing their sense of self-worth and building foundations that reassure them of their worthiness. They don't need to focus on others around them who are doing better or who perceive to be more successful. Read here for some suggestions to help you work with your child in offsetting unfortunate comparisons and how to build their self-esteem.
When we start to compare ourselves unfavourably with others it becomes obvious that we are lacking in self-confidence. Comparing ourselves to others can be all about how we look, how happier others are or perhaps how more successful people are around us. We notice the differences and we become unhappy or dissatisfied with ourselves.
A child is always on the go developing their sense of self-worth and building foundations that reassure them of their worthiness. They do not need to focus on others around them who are doing better or who perceive to be more successful. Finding the grass greener on someone else’s turf or forgetting about your own strengths is a forerunner to ongoing doubt and failure. There is simply nothing going for judging yourself against others.
Such negativism also destroys your beauty within and others see the bitterness and stagnation that can creep into your life. It can be given the name, resentment.
There are many influences that can cause us to compare with others.
Advertising invites us to compare and buy the best. Social media is all about creating perfect images that we would all like to be. Consider all the growing businesses for plastic surgery that will change the way we look and create someone else’s image that would make us feel better!
Body image is a massive area for children in which to take control. We think about how fat or slim we are compared to what society thinks is beautiful. We tend to relate body image to self-esteem. For a child this can be a concern as they become quite anxious about what others think about them. Unfortunately, as the child grows they see that many people judge others by what they wear, what they say and how they portray an image. To fit into a child’s social world, they may think they need to change to feel good about themselves. We know this as group pressure.
We need to teach our children to love their own body, no matter what shape, size or colour it comes in. It is their business and they need to be happy with themselves. We reinforce these concepts by demonstrating ourselves how we treat our body and how we see beauty in many forms and not the prescribed view of beauty through social media etc. If we want change we introduce change driven by our own desires and not controlled by media hype. This is such an important message to give our children.
Here are some suggestions to help you work with your child in offsetting unfortunate comparisons.
Encourage your child to think of others and applaud their efforts. Be the person who affirms others successes and talks about their achievements. It is a mature and sometimes brave act to celebrate other people’s achievements as it demonstrates that you care about others. It is also a mature chance to learn from them. What can you take from their success story that will be helpful to you?
Remember to teach your child to be self-encouraging. They need to learn that they can be great motivators for themselves. Talk about some great self-motivators such as Ash Barty whose self-discipline comes from her self talk which is so positive. Also, teach your child to think about what they are good at. Get them to write it down and talk about it quite often as a family. Naming the good stuff is so valuable and seeing it written is more inspirational.
Often people that look confident are confident. Once people see you being more sure of yourself they pay more attention to you. Once a child sees that others see them as confident it tends to feed off itself.
Take care that we avoid negative self-talk when something goes wrong. It is easy to self-blame and call yourself dumb or stupid. When your self-talk is positive you are giving yourself permission to be successful and it works!
We need to teach our children to simply be the best they can be and this will be and should be enough. You applaud their effort to improve but above all their expectations are enough. Often we become anxious about what we are not, rather than having confidence in who we are and what we have to offer. We need to value what we have to offer. Reinforce with your child how happy you are simply with them and you would expect nothing else.
Tell them: I love your uniqueness.
“I appreciate your generosity.”
“I can see your thoughtfulness.”
Name and claim these individual traits in a loud voice that make your child the very best.
Finally, it is not an easy task helping your child overcome the temptation to compare but nonetheless you are instrumental in creating and building a very positive self-image of your child that acts as a strong foundational tool in building self-worth and positive well-being into their future.
‘Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you’re born to stand out.’
-Oliver James
A child needs to grow a strong belief in themselves
Our children need to be steadily building a strong belief in themselves. They will put themselves forward and receive some knockdowns but climbing the ladder of being strongly connected to the world will come with mounting strong self-belief.
How difficult is it for any of us to feel confident, have a go, put ourselves forward etc. without having a strong belief in ourselves? Do we take initiative if low in self-confidence? How about the time we avoid situations or people because we just haven’t the confidence to be part of a group or offer opinions? So much of engaging in the world is lost to us if we lack a strong belief in ourselves. We tend to avoid, omit, regress and simply lay silent.
Our children need to be steadily building a strong belief in themselves. They will put themselves forward and receive some knockdowns but climbing the ladder of being strongly connected to the world will come with mounting strong self-belief.
The following thoughts give us guidance into how we help build a strong foundation in our children in self-belief.
If a child lacks self-confidence their learning can be affected as they are not disclosing what they need to know. Reminding our children to ask questions, be inquisitive is a right and a responsibility in learning.
Having a strong positive self-image presents to others as a confident person. It is important as parents that we talk about all the positive aspects you notice in your child especially with regard to attitudes and values. They need to hear it loud and clear that they are worthwhile people with much to offer.
When we are successful, it often has a boost with our self-esteem. Ensure that your child has plenty of opportunities to be successful. Teachers work off the philosophy that a child will be successful if they feel good about themselves. No surprises that in a classroom each day, teachers set up scenarios where children are successful in some form.
Think about the little successes your child makes at home. They could be as small as showing courtesy to others, working hard to keep their room tidy etc. Simply affirm the success. Remember success begets more success
‘What a hero you are. The room is tidy and now we can read a story’.
The more self-esteem builds, the more engaged the child will be in all that is around them. There is nothing more concerning than a disengaged child. Their world shrinks and their interests become more solo such as excessive use of games, television, social media etc. The more outward thinking the child, the greater propensity for building a strong self-image.
Take care that when you correct your child due to some disappointments etc, you use language that is not harmful and will not attack the child’s self-confidence. Be disappointed with the deed but still love the child. Check that there are not too many negative conversations in a row as such patterns start to build a negative feeling of self-worth and everything can easily spiral downwards.
Make broad sweeping announcements in front of others about how pleased you are with your child’s successes. (Everything within reason of course) There is a wonderful feeling that comes from hearing publicly how pleased your parents are with you.
As parents we are daily building foundational tools for our children. The words we use, the actions we display and the frequent appreciation of our children that we show, all build the framework for developing a well-rounded individual with a strong sense of self belief.
‘As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.’
-Johanne Wolfgang Von Goethe
When is Success really Success?
Just about every time I would argue! All of us need to hear that we can achieve and that we have capabilities in varied and different ways. Sometimes this can be in simple matters. Sometimes it can be in more detailed and complicated ways. What is the key is the importance of hearing from others that you have simply done well? Your efforts are noted.
Success breeds success. A child needs to feel that they can achieve and that others most especially the parents, recognise this fact.
Words are powerful tools in building a child’s stamina.
Saying often: “Well done” goes a long way in the mind of a child. It says you know what you are doing. You have been successful. The likelihood of repeating success is higher once the child hears that they can achieve. Never under estimate the value of a simple, “well done”.
Teachers are very skilled at building in what I call “success busters” in their day. They are careful to ensure that all children receive a balanced dose of success busters across the day. They notice the difference when a child feels less inclined to contribute, feeling that they are not valued. It becomes an automatic tool to teachers who know by experience that you catch more people with honey than sour words.
“Thanks for cleaning up the paint. You did it so quickly”
“You have put so much effort into your work. Well Done”
“How clever you are when it comes to reading stories out loud. You read with so much expression.”
Notice that the more you mention the specifics of why they have been successful, the more legitimate the affirmation. It shows that you really notice what has made them so successful in your eyes.
Words are powerful tools in building a child’s stamina and giving them emotional reassurance that they have something valuable to offer.
In supporting a child by using careful targeted, reassuring language the following actually occurs:
The child hears the words and finds satisfaction in the public announcement made to them and to others in earshot.
The child feeds off such reassurance and is more likely to respond with confidence.
The child is more likely to respond in positive ways to others. This is teaching them about thinking and acting positively. It is about teaching them by example that they are aware of people’s efforts.
In essence this article reminds us that building success comes from reassuring words and affirmation. It builds strong emotional foundations which are well needed when the negative and vulnerable times can become overpowering from time to time.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Teach your child to develop staying power
So much of this modern technologically driven world is all about fast moving, immediate satisfaction and moving on quickly. Sometimes this flows on into other aspects of a child’s life - finding grit and sustaining the effort. Perseverance is a key word here and it is all about a child keeping on trying, having a go and showing determination to achieve a task. It is easy to say that this doesn’t suit me and so I will just move on to something else less arduous.
As a parent, it is valuable to talk about how rewarding it is to persevere and the process of doing something, carrying it through its stages, is really the success criteria. How often do our children see the value of just having go and being consistent in their efforts to achieve a tricky goal. The more we encourage them to stay motivated over difficult tasks, the better they grow in valuing their own capabilities.
Here are several strategies you can use to encourage staying power in your children.
I appreciate that this is not an easy task but there are several strategies you can teach them to keep up the staying power.
Talk about the staying power you need sometimes to complete a task. For example, have you started gym and find it difficult but you are determined to keep going top reap the benefits?
Perhaps you are studying at work. Talk about the rigour and effort you need to put into simply getting better. Put simply, no pain, no gain.
Talk about the success you feel personally when you go through the trials and difficulties of working at something.
If your child is involved in sporting activities such a swimming club etc., the effort to get better, increase fitness and performance can be quite demanding. Talk about how the child feels after they succeed.
Set simple goals with your child.
“I know you are keen to get better at Maths. Let’s put an extra twenty minutes into learning maths at the end of every day.”
Once goals are set and achieved, talk about the process and how putting effort into the process had such successful outcomes.
In working with children who were reluctant to push themselves, we would start by talking about people they knew that were successful, especially their heroes. We talked about how they got to be so successful and focussed on the great efforts and sacrifice they made to achieve their goals. We then talked about simple tasks that the child achieved with some effort. It was about building on small strengths.
Teachers are very skilled at building on small achievements with children. They affirm regularly and celebrate when the child takes that extra leap with effort. For a parent, it is about being alert to any staying power that the child demonstrates and affirming the effort. Keep in mind here that we are not always affirming the result, but the progressive effort and endurance shown by the child.
As humans, we are very in tune with avoiding the hard yards and sometimes choosing the easier route. Demonstrate to the child that sometimes going that extra distance gives tenfold results. Act as a coach and give guidance not direction or instructions.
“Great effort. So, you think that in a week you will be able to speed up on your spelling test. What will you do to achieve this goal?”
Here you are listening to their desire to improve and supporting them with some guidelines for small improvements.
Helping the child increase their staying power is about strengthening their self-resolve.
“It always seems impossible until it is done.”
Teach our children to like themselves first
A big issue for children at any age is to find a friend. I would also add to this that sustaining friends can be difficult for some children. Once a child feels vulnerable and struggles to settle into a friendship, they often manifest behaviour which can be quite unattractive to other children generally in the form of attention seeking, sulking etc.
Once a child is at peace with themselves, they will naturally attract others. Often parents come up with all sorts of suggestions to their child about how to make a friend, most fail as this is not the way to attract others to you.
A parent can help by simply supporting the child to notice and enjoy their own person.
For example, when you notice a strength of your child, talk about it.
When you see them being joyous and happy comment on how attractive they are when they smile.
Every time you notice how positive others are to your child, comment.
“It looks like Jenny likes the way you pass the ball in basketball”
“Did you notice how Josh smiles at you when you told that joke”.
Here you are simply encouraging them to reflect on their behaviour and the impact it has on others.
In working with children, I would sometimes encourage children to write down something that they like about another child. When that child read what was written about them, it had quite an impact recognising how they were valued.
Some children develop very early the art of establishing friends. One could say it almost comes naturally to them. The truth is that others like their steady, calm style.
However, most children have to work at building friendships, slowly and steadily and many go through the pain of losing them and having to re-establish themselves. This is quite normal and over time most develop sound strategies in building lasting relationships after much trial and error.
As a parent, your role is to raise their awareness of how capable they are in various areas especially social areas. I know of several parents who have a regular activity of writing down noticeable behaviours of their children that are very favourable especially when they interact with others.
For example:
“ I noticed how happy Jack was when you helped him with his Lego set.”
As the child grows more in personal self-confidence and emotional maturity, they will naturally attract others. They will learn the important rule that relationships work well when you value the other person.
Never underestimate how they observe your relationships with friends.
It is all about watch and learn from parents!
It’s important a child is at peace with themselves so that they will naturally attract others.
Watch out for the doubtful Thomas in your child
It is quite natural to doubt yourself. However, with children it is all about building their self confidence and capacity to have a go at whatever challenges them. This is an important part of parent’s work, to reassure our children that they are capable beings and can develop the skills to rise above fears and doubts. We help them in many ways by reassuring them and praising them when successful.
Whilst all of our encouragement is helpful and has value, it is also about giving children strategies to use when they feel doubtful. After all, we can reassure our child that they are capable but what is better is to teach them how to manage doubtful feelings once they recognise they have them.
When you own the responsibility of taking control of your own feelings, you are more successful at managing them. It also brings greater satisfaction in the long run.
When a child has doubts about their capabilities in some area remind them that doubtful feelings is normal and that there are several ways to get on top of those feelings.
Firstly, ask the child to openly talk about their doubt. This is about bringing it out in the open for discussion.
“I don’t think I can pass that test. It will be too hard.”
Ask them to give the doubt feeling a number out of ten. Then talk about times when the child has had success and passed similar tests.
Now set a goal that is attainable…for example:
“I will try to do my best so that I have had a go just like everybody else.”.
The goal is to get them to think about achieving part of the goal. After the test check in to see how the goal went and ask what number they would now give themselves in doubting themselves.
Another example is when a child thinks they cannot run well in a race.
What number do they give the doubt?
Set a small goal.
“I will try my best and just get to the end.”
It‘s all about setting small goals that help them begin to break down the doubt.
Always remember to check in after they have worked to their goal. This is the time to reflect on how successful they were in managing the doubt.
In working with children, it was quite common to discuss the degree of doubt they had and then set a small goal to chip away at the lack of confidence. It was always important to come back together and celebrate the child’s achievements, no matter how small.
Whilst we praise and reassure our children of their capabilities, the more we teach them to manage their doubts, the better equipped they are to cope independently.
“Successful people have fears.
Successful people have doubts and successful people have worries.
They just don’t let these feelings stop them.”
T Harv Eker.
It is quite natural to doubt yourself! However, with children it is all about building their self confidence
How to build a child’s strengths.
Let’s face it, the more we feel stronger and confident in ourselves, the greater capacity we have to be successful and most importantly, like ourselves.
The best way to have success is to recognise that we do have strengths and that these are special highlights of our ability to cope. We also have low-lights that we need to work on. Recognising our low-lights should be seen as growth curves where we need to keep on working towards improvement.
For a child, dealing with emotions, regulating emotions is hard work. It is always best to start by focusing on strengths that are visible, repetitive and which give the child a feeling of success. This could be anything from being able to pack up their toys at an early age, through to having an aptitude for Maths.
The best way to affirm is to acknowledge the actual presence of strength in what they do or say.
For example:
“I really like the way you write in your book. You have a neat and very attractive style of writing. This shows me how skilled you are in this area.”
Notice that the emphasis is on being specific in relation to the skill that you have noticed. When it is repeated:
“Once again you show me how well you can write. I will ask you to write down the grocery list. This will be a help to me.”
It is also about utilising the skill and demonstrating how such a skill can cross over and be useful on different levels. This teaches the child that they have very capable skills which impact on others.
“You tidy the toys so well. I hope you will help me tidy my room it is such a mess”.
By giving them the awareness that their strengths are useful, they will begin to develop stronger relationships and will find their own application for their skills.
Whilst working with one child, who lacked some personal confidence, especially in school work, we all recognised how strong he was in sport. He was asked to help the younger children develop their games and this gave him personal pride and led to his improved overall self esteem.
Strengths are a wonderful building block upon which children grow on so many levels not the least of which is self awareness. The more self aware we become, the greater capacity we have to manage and value our strengths. It also helps us put our vulnerabilities in a better, more manageable perspective.
The best way to affirm your child’s strength is to acknowledge the actual presence of strength in what they do or say.
The difference each child makes.
How different we all are in so many varied ways. Sometimes, we look at the order of our children to gain insight into understanding their personality. Generally, we can detect certain patterns that are common to first children, generally more conservative, the second child usually more robust and a risk taker. It is not uncommon to hear parents comment on how different their children are and yet the upbringing is the same for all.
The reason is simple. Each child is different and their growth will be unique. Parenting should reflect that each child will have different needs that should be addressed.
In order for each child to be themselves, they will need their own time and space to just simply be themselves. This can be a challenge for parents who sometimes struggle to understand how each child responds differently to the family structure, especially rules and regulations. Rather than being frustrated about this, turn it into a positive. Aren't we lucky to have such variation in our children.
Each child has needs that challenge us to work with them differently. It also challenges ourselves in how we parent. Some children are quite and more reserved, some children are very vocal and demanding. The variations go on indefinitely.
The key is for parents to keep in mind:
Every child is unique.
Sometimes this may mean how I work with the child will be different.
I understand that whilst I give equal time to my children, it is natural that some children may demand more. This can be frustrating but is necessary given their individual needs.
I recognise that listening to my children will be different for each child.
I will need to cater for individual differences and see them as a gift in each child.
I will need to take care that quieter, less open children will need to be drawn out more in conversation. Still, I respect their quiet nature.
Sometimes as a family we need to do collective activities. It is however, important to check in with each child as to how they are engaging with family matters.
I need to be careful in using language that does not indicate competition between children.
Each child will have their own set of strengths that need to be celebrated. There is no need to have all my children achieving and successful in the same way. From time to time, some children will shine more than others. This is normal practice in an energised family.
We look for tendencies in our children that remind us of ourselves. Take care that we do not highlight aspects of a child that are not seen favourably by everyone.
Take care not to label a child with a particular characteristics. As they grow, especially into teenagers, their personality will keep evolving overtime and with this may come significant changes.
Given that each child is an individual, be open to surprises with them and relish the little changes that appear from time to time.
When working with children, I was amazed by how insightful children were regarding their parent's perception of them. I soon realised in working with children that their sensitivity to their parent's perception of themselves impacted on how they operated around their parents.
We need to have an open mind and heart to the beauty of the individual child during their precious time of growth. We need to see their individual changes, no matter how varied and uniquely different as another step in becoming a well rounded young adult.
Every child is unique.
Search out opportunities where ever possible. Seize the moment!
Sometimes the days pass with regularity and we rise to meet various expectations. We are so busy just getting through the week and ensuring that we have ticked off all that we need to do especially with regard to children's activities after school etc.
What this article is about is quintessentially to search out the opportunities in the ordinary nature of the day to affirm and acknowledge your child's efforts in many and varied areas, big and small. Incidental praise is very much positive reinforcement intermittently and can be quite powerful and effective in building the child's emotional well being. It is all about the element of surprise. The more you do it, the more realised will become the child's behaviour.
“Well done. You certainly know how well to unpack the groceries. I can start the dinner now.”
“I love the way you play with your younger brother. You are so gentle and understanding.”
In this way we identify unrealised strengths in so many areas. Note that this positive talk is quite specific and outlines why you are pleased, grateful or simply happy with their performance.
The more specific you are, the more genuine sounding is the statement. It also tells the child that their behaviour has had an impact on someone else.
“I really love the way you clean your room. Everything is put back in its right spot and I can walk around the room easily.”
Searching out opportunities is all about noticing occasions when your child spontaneously shows strengths in behaviours which sometimes we just take for granted. I am a great advocate of seizing the moment especially when they demonstrate gratitude, empathy to others or behaviour demonstrating an unselfish nature. This is all about strengthening their emotional literacies.
In the school setting, it is often a feature of the teacher's work. That is to spot the positive behaviour which impacts on others. After all, teachers model such behaviour themselves to the children all day.
Across the day, simply notice those times when your child demonstrates behaviour that does make a difference to those around them. Surprise them with positive recognition. This is optimising their growth. This is positive feedback.
It also helps the child realise so many of the ordinary things that they do, are actually done well
Praising children helps them to realise so many of the ordinary things that they do, are actually done well.
Show confidence in your child. It makes such a difference.
This might seem a strange topic? Especially as you will say that I always show my child the confidence I have in them at all times. Our children carefully read messages that we give them both directly and indirectly. They are always looking for that special reassurance from their parents. They are keen to gain approval and the more they understand and appreciate your style of affirming them, the better.
With all of this in mind, this article is alerting us to be consistent and clear in the way we show them how confident we are in them.
Here are a few thoughts on the matter.
Use the same words often.
“I am really confident in your ability to do your very best”
After giving such a message ensure the follow up is equally as valid and does not drop intent.
“Great effort today. I could see how much effort you put into it.”
Always keep the same thread running through your conversations, especially with regard to showing confidence in their efforts. Take care that if you are making some comments about improvement, it still needs to demonstrate to the child that you are confident of their ability to have ago. This confidence has in no way been compromised.
Areas in which parents can often fall down here is when they comment on sport. Children need encouragement and they need to feel that their best was recognised by the parent. Take care not to subtly imply that you expected more from them or that you were proud of them but extra effort would have been better. When subtle, negative messages are put into such sentences, the child generally just hears the subtle criticism and so the affirmation has very little value.
I appreciate that this sounds complicated but it actually means that showing confidence in a child is simply and exactly that! You say and demonstrate consistently that you have confidence in their efforts and abilities. You understand that improvement is always part of the process. I have seen in working with children that by demonstrating absolute, uncomplicated confidence in a child, improvement naturally occurs.
The child who feels that parents have confidence in them, naturally take ownership of their own improvements. After all, if their parents are confident in them, everything is possible.
“The way you speak to your children, is the single greatest factor in shaping their personalities and self discipline.”
The child who feels that parents have confidence in them, naturally take ownership of their own improvements. After all, if their parents are confident in them, everything is possible.
It's all about how we value the child
I have often said that one could write a PHD on the following. In my office my feelings chart is used quite often. The one feeling children always talk about is the feeling of “being proud”.
When this is examined, it is about the child feeling that their actions are not giving the parents a feeling that they are proud of them.
This may seem strange as we think that we reinforce them often. This is sometimes why children are reluctant to “have a go”. Will they fail and what will people think then?
A good response to this is to simply to remind them often of the things that make you proud.
“I am so proud of your efforts at school”.
“I am proud that you had a go at something hard.”
Even though we acknowledge their efforts they are always checking in with us as to whether they are valued. Using the word proud has high value in their minds.
