Teach your child to set goals. It is a great life skill.
The more your child develops their independence by relying less on others and more on themselves, the more they become inclined to set their own personal goals with confidence and determination. In her insightful discussion, Gail Smith shares some practical and effective suggestions to help your child in this important area of growth and self-discovery.
Sometimes the thought of setting up goals can be daunting. If however, you teach your child to start small and build up slowly, their expectations will grow steadily and they will gradually see the fruits of their labour. Once feeling success from setting goals the interest grows in setting up more goals.
Here are some suggestions to help your child in this area. The examples are helpful to put goal setting in context.
Start Small
Encourage setting small, achievable goals to build confidence.
• Example: "This week, let's try to clean up your toys every day before dinner."
Lead by Example
Show them how you set and achieve your own goals.
• Example: "I want to read one book this month. What goal can you set for yourself?"
Break Big Goals into Steps
Teach them to divide larger goals into manageable tasks.
• Example: "You want to finish your school project. Let's start by gathering materials today."
Celebrate Progress
Recognize and reward efforts to keep motivation high.
• Example: "You practised piano for 10 minutes every day this week—let's celebrate with a special treat!"
Make Goals Fun
Turn goal-setting into a game or challenge.
• Example: "Let’s see if you can improve your running time by 10 seconds each week. We'll keep track together!"
Teach Reflection
Encourage them to think about what worked and what didn't after achieving (or not achieving) their goal.
• Example: "You finished your book! How did breaking it into chapters help you reach your goal?"
Encourage Long-term Goals
Help them think ahead and set goals that take longer to achieve.
• Example: "You want to learn to ride a bike without training wheels. Let’s practice for 15 minutes every day."
Provide Support and Guidance
Offer help without doing it for them, so they feel ownership of their goals.
• Example: "I'll help you study for your spelling test, but you can choose the words you need to practice."
In simple ways you can use goals setting as a way of life. The more your child grows independent of relying less on others and more on themselves, the more they are inclined to set their own goals with confidence.
“Be a goal setter in your own life and see how your child will easily adapt to such habits.”
What lessons in life do you want to teach your children?
As parents, we teach our children countless lessons, but some hold a special significance in shaping their happiness and balance in life. The five lessons below are particularly important to instill, not through grand gestures, but through authenticity and sharing our everyday experiences. Ultimately, being truthful and genuine in our interactions with our children is the most powerful way to guide them.
There are many lessons we teach our children, but some should have more reticence than others for our children to have happy well-balanced lives. Consider the five lessons below and it may be worth reflecting on how we teach our children these lessons.
Kindness Matters
Lesson: Always treat others with kindness and respect, no matter the situation.
How Taught: You've modelled kindness in your own interactions, showing empathy and compassion in everyday situations, whether it's helping a neighbour or speaking politely to strangers.
Be True to Yourself
Lesson: Stay true to who you are, even when it's difficult. Your uniqueness is your strength.
How Taught: You've encouraged your child to pursue their passions and supported them in making choices that align with their values, even if those choices are different from the norm.
Learn from Mistakes
Lesson: Mistakes are part of life. Learn from them and keep moving forward.
How Taught: You've shared your own mistakes openly and discussed what you learned from them. You've also reassured your child that it’s okay to fail, as long as they try again.
Hard Work Pays Off
Lesson: Success comes from hard work and perseverance, not just luck.
How Taught: You've demonstrated a strong work ethic, whether through your job or personal projects, and involved your child in tasks that require effort and patience, showing them the value of dedication.
Take Care of Yourself
Lesson: Your well-being is important. Take care of your mind and body.
How Taught: You've prioritized self-care in your own life, whether through exercise, healthy eating, or taking time to relax. You’ve also encouraged your child to express their feelings and take breaks when needed.
It is amazing what a child takes into their life from their childhood. Your efforts need be no more than being authentic and sharing your life with your child. Best to make it worthwhile for both you and your child.
“Leave your child with memories of a happy, well-balanced childhood. It pays dividends for them in their older life.”
Let’s remind ourselves that as parents we are doing a great job
Your words, deeds, and actions are powerful examples for your child, shaping their understanding of life. Never underestimate the impact you're having on your child. Parenting in an imperfect world comes with its ups and downs, and it can sometimes feel like your efforts aren't making a difference. Gail Smith shares some reflections to remind us that our efforts are making a difference, even if the impact isn't always visible.
Never underestimate the great work you are doing with your child. We live in a very imperfect world and parenting comes with its ups and downs. Sometimes we find that efforts we are making are having an impact on our child. Sometimes we feel a failure in that our child’s understanding and interest in their parents diminishes.
Here are some reflections to remind us all that our efforts are not in vain and that you will be currently making a difference for your child in many ways, some seen but many unseen.
Consider:
Your love and guidance are the foundations upon which your child's future is built. Every hug and every moment you spend together shapes who they become. None of your efforts are ever lost.
You are your child's first and most important teacher. The lessons you impart, through both words and actions, will resonate with them throughout their lives.
Your support and belief in your child's potential can turn their dreams into reality. Your encouragement is a powerful force that fuels their confidence and ambition. They heavily rely on it.
The warmth and security you provide create a safe space for your child to explore the world. Your presence gives them the courage to take risks and learn from their experiences.
Every moment you spend with your child, no matter how small, leaves a lasting impression. Your time and attention are priceless gifts that they will cherish forever.
Your positivism and resilience in the face of challenges teach your child how to navigate life's ups and downs. They will observe carefully how you navigate your way through life’s challenges.
The values and principles you instill in your child will guide them long after they leave your home.
Your influence shapes their character and their approach to life. They may vary somewhat from your values but you will influence their big decisions and life’s choices by your modelling.
Your love is the constant in your child's life, a beacon that guides them through their formative years. This unconditional support helps them grow into happy, confident individuals believing in themselves.
By simply being present and involved, you are making a profound difference in your child's life.
Your engagement and involvement are keys to their success and well-being. They need and want your presence and your approval.
Every time you listen, every time you show empathy, you teach your child the importance of understanding and compassion. These lessons in kindness will ripple through their interactions with others. They will prefer to operate in that way.
Your belief in your child's abilities can inspire them to reach for the stars. When they see you believe in them, they start to believe in themselves too.
The love and joy you share as a family create memories that your child will carry with them for a lifetime. This is all about developing emotional intelligence.
Your actions, words and deeds are the blueprint your child uses to navigate the world. The positive example you set today will guide their decisions tomorrow.
Your patience and understanding during tough times show your child that they are loved unconditionally. This reassurance builds their resilience and self-worth."
“At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of parents.”
Let’s reflect on how we are going in our parenting
Parenting is like a river, always moving and changing with our children's needs. As they grow, we should grow too. Take a moment now and then to see how you're doing as a parent. Gail Smiths shares some great ideas to help you build an even better bond with your child.
Every now and again it is worth checking in to see how you are travelling as a parent. Here are some thoughts that may trigger some simple changes that benefit you in building a stronger relationship with your child.
How do you feel about your current communication with your child? Do you think you are communicating well? Keep in mind the importance of simply listening to your child.
Are there areas in your parenting where you feel confident, and where do you feel you could improve? Think about how you could improve in certain areas. Perhaps look on line for courses or simply chat to other parents. It is wonderful to do some critical reflection in this area.
What strategies do you use to connect with your child on an emotional level? Think about how you talk about emotions. Are you an open person in this area of communication or not?
How do you handle conflicts or disagreements with your child? Do you need to work on this area, learning to be more compromising and prepared to be a negotiator? This can be quite a stopping block in communicating with our children.
Are you satisfied with the balance between setting boundaries and fostering independence in your child? Are you prepared to keep adjusting that line of giving your child progressively more independence? They of course will keep up the demand for more independence overtime.
What values or principles do you prioritize in your parenting approach? Am I prepared to accept other values? Remember we don’t have access to all the truth about such matters as dress, proper language, beliefs etc.
How do you manage stress or frustration when parenting becomes challenging? This is an area that we need to reflect on as we model so much to our children. Your anxiety can easily transfer to them.
Are there any specific aspects of your relationship with your child that you would like to strengthen? It is always good to reflect on the quality of our parenting as our children grow and change overtime and their parenting needs keep shifting.
How do you express love and appreciation to your child? Children need regularly to be nurtured and reassured. Do you need to press the refresh button in this area from time to time.
What changes, if any, would you like to make in your parenting style or approach? If you genuinely feel a need for change there are many parenting courses on offer. The more we understand about parenting, the safer and more reliable the journey as a parent.
Do I think I am getting my own needs met and my feelings of self worth as a parent? Feeling mentally strong and healthy yourself will make all the difference to your parenting.
Finally, always keep everything in perspective. Parenting is part of the human condition and it is not a perfect discipline. We are constantly evolving as parents and growing children and with that comes shifting demands and needs of parenting. Some of it is trial and error. Some comes automatically, some comes learnt from family habits and some is simply learnt on the spot. Parenting is a very fluid process of adjusting to constantly developing needs of children. As our children grow, we should keep growing as parents.
“I came to parenting the way most of us do- knowing nothing and trying to learn everything.”
The value of being positive around your child
Your child learns so much from you, including how to see the world in a positive light. Discover why it's crucial to maintain a positive disposition around your child with insights from Gail Smith.
We live in a world where we are constantly addressing mental health as it is such an interfering and common part of our society. Your child learns so much from you and it is amazing how your disposition can help your child see the world in a positive light.
Consider the following:
When you portray yourself positively as a parent, your child learns a great deal. They like to copy you and see you in a very positive light.
If you exhibit a positive presence as a parent, your child absorbs significant learning. They will want to imitate it and they will see how much better the world appears from that perspective.
If you project positivity as a parent, your child picks up on important lessons. This is a great way of teaching optimism.
If you see the world as a happy place in which to live that will influence their world.
Being an optimistic around your child invites them to problem solve in an optimistic way rather than focusing on unsolvable problems
It is a matter of conditioning your child to being positive. It’s a safer place in which to live.
When your child adopts positivity it attracts people who enjoy life. Don’t forget to use laughter as part of your persona around your child. Laughter is a happy space in which to live.
By demonstrating a positive disposition your child will be less anxious to approach you over matters that trouble them.
A bright happy parents who savours life is a mindful person who can teach their child to see the world as a hopeful place. What better mental health lesson can you find?
“Keep your eyes on the sun and you will not see the shadows”
The value of building independence in our children
Start giving your child a sense of control. Build independence in them so they grow stronger. Discover with Gail Smith why encouraging your child's independence is a hallmark of good parenting.
Doing things for our children is a natural part of our role as parents. We do know however that the more we encourage independence in our children, the faster they learn and the more confidence they gain in themselves. Sometimes giving more independence can be scary as they may take risks, venture into the unknown without you and discover new horizons on their own.
Be that as it may, you want your child to be slowly and steadily finding their own way, forging their own direction. Consider the following reasons why encouraging independence with your child is a sign of good parenting.
Teaching Independence builds Confidence and Self-Esteem: Teaching independence allows children to accomplish tasks on their own, fostering a sense of achievement. As they successfully navigate challenges independently, their confidence and self-esteem naturally grow, laying a strong foundation for a positive self-image. The more confident a child becomes, the quicker they learn.
Being independent promotes Problem-Solving Skills: Encouraging independence requires children to think critically and problem-solve. When they face challenges without immediate assistance, they learn to analyze situations, make decisions, and find solutions, honing valuable problem-solving skills that will benefit them throughout life. They learn to make mistakes and move on quickly.
Independence fosters Responsibility and Accountability: Independence goes hand-in-hand with responsibility. When children are entrusted with age-appropriate tasks and responsibilities, they learn to take ownership of their actions. This sense of accountability contributes to the development of a responsible and conscientious mindset. From an early age you can teach your child to be responsible whether its sorting toys, cleaning rooms or managing money, it all counts.
Independence encourages Initiative and Creativity: Independent children are more likely to take initiative and explore their interests. By allowing them the freedom to pursue activities on their own, you nurture a spirit of curiosity and creativity. This independence encourages them to discover their passions and express their unique selves without interference.
Independence prepares for Future Challenges: Teaching independence equips children with essential life skills necessary for adulthood. From basic self-care tasks to decision-making and time management, independent children are better prepared to face the challenges of adolescence and adulthood. This preparation instils resilience and adaptability, essential qualities for navigating the complexities of life. The world they grow into is far different from their parent’s world and will require a new set of skills in certain areas.
Just as a child grows and changes, so too should our parenting. We need to evolve as a parent and recognize that our child will gradually seek independence. We demonstrate understanding by supporting their independence and respecting their choices and we are happy to work with them as we gradually remove ourselves, as dependency on us decreases.
“Start giving your child a sense of control. Build independence in them so they grow stronger.”
Be confident as a parent you have what it takes
This blog shares a few parenting tips on feeling and growing confident in being the best parent possible.
By nature of being a parent, you come with many capabilities. It is easy to underestimate how skilled you are, but by nature of being an adult, you have already learnt many skills that can be translated into useful tips for your child. A parent who feels confident about their skills gives a strong message to their child and this feeds into successful parenting. Confidence breeds reassurance in others.
It is also natural to feel anxious about providing the best advice and council to your growing child. After all, the world they are entering has altered from your world and the skills they need have shifted from the demands and expectations placed on you whilst growing up.
Here are a few thoughts on feeling and growing confident in being the best parent possible:
Never underestimate your child. Understand that they have special gifts that are unique to them and that we should focus on all that makes them special and unique. Consider that they may not understand you, but your task is to understand them and respect what it is that they want. This can be difficult, but to understand them better you need to understand their world. You have more confidence in supporting your child when you really feel you know them.
Take care not to compare. Each child is an individual and thinks and processes quite differently. We need to understand how they think and what drives their world. The more we show respect and understand our child, the greater union between you and your child.
The education of your child takes such a priority. Know what your child is learning. Be part of that journey. Show interest and be available when and if they need your support. Learning is a lifelong journey and it happens in many ways. Your child needs to see that you are open to learning yourself and enjoying their journey through their schooling years. Don’t be anxious about what you know and what you have to offer. You have much to offer!!!
Know that learning more about parenting is what all parents can benefit from. Read books on parenting. Look up journal items etc. Gain information and be an ongoing learner in the field of parenting.
Find creative ways to be family. Real learning comes from joint experiences. Rock climb together. Kayak as a family. Keep the adventure coming. Take a few risks together. This always strengthens the bonding and builds family confidence.
An important and easy way to parent well is to set up stable routines. Here, I refer to meal times, chores, morning expectations etc. Routine gives you clear directions and everyone knows what the expectations are for all. Start early when the children are little.
You know your child very well. Have faith in your gut and intuitive sense. Parents have a natural sense when it comes to intuitive matters. Rely on your good sense when talking and negotiating with your child. But be an effective listener!
Be natural and accept your mistakes. Children respect you when you show your human face and act in an authentic way. Nothing is gained by false confidence or bravado. Show them it is OK to make a mistake and that you can grow and learn from making mistakes. You will be less anxious about making errors when you accept that making mistakes is a normal part of parenting.
Being a strong, active presence in the life of your child is a powerful way to parent well. Never underestimate that such a presence presents confidence and reassurance with all its foibles and successes.
You will see many models of parenting over the years. Some will come with outstanding qualifications and some will challenge you especially when your child says: ‘Mary’s parents let her go to the party!’
Don’t be put off by all the models of ‘would be’ great parenting. You are the parents. You are the rock and you have such sensitivity to your child, that can only be understood by the intimacy of being their parent. Despite the fact that you may not have all the answers, you are there for all the right reasons. Just ensure that you listen effectively and are prepared to appreciate other ways of seeing the world. With confidence, you are in the best position to deal with many and varied matters of childhood.
Over the years in my role as Principal, I saw many families crossing my door. It was always a joy to observe families who were closely bonded by the nature of who they were. These families enjoyed being part of their family where expectations were normal, understanding and tolerance strong and no undue pressure appeared to bother them. Family for them was a natural process, with all its foibles and successes. Being family shouldn’t be complicated and above all you, the parent have much to offer your fledglings.
‘Behind every young child who believes in himself is a parent who believed in him first.’
Who has rights in the family?
Everybody has rights in a family. No one is excluded from having rights, no matter what age or disposition. When we reflect more deeply on this, it can help us put things into perspective. Often, we can be overwhelmed by our role as parents and unsure about our rights in that role. We can sometimes wonder about the vulnerability of our children and what part we play in making them secure.
Everybody has rights in a family. No one is excluded from having rights, no matter what age or disposition. When we reflect more deeply on this, it can help us put things into perspective. Often, we can be overwhelmed by our role as parents and unsure about our rights in that role. We can sometimes wonder about the vulnerability of our children and what part we play in making them secure. Where do we draw the lines of responsibility and accountability?
A child has a right to be physically nurtured and this includes providing food, shelter, emotional security, etc. They also have a right to grow up feeling safe and secure. This safety is all about physical, sexual and emotional safety.
A child also has a right to be educated and intellectually stimulated bringing them to an independent, happy adult. These rights sound practical and logical but we all know that there is deprivation in some situations. As a responsible parent, it is comforting and reassuring to know that you are honouring what is an expectation from society.
From time to time, as a parent, it can be frustrating when you feel that acting in a strict controlling way may be reducing their liberties. Are you treating your child in an appropriate manner? Is it acceptable for me to control punishments and cause unhappiness?
The best advice here is:
If you are disciplining fairly and justly with an understanding of a child’s needs by active listening then you are acting in the best interests of the child.
Parents have rights. These include deciding on how you will rear your child subject to the aforementioned child’s needs.
As a parent, you can look at the standards of behaviour that are acceptable to you. Using discipline is acceptable and once again all seen in the context of the rights of the child.
Surprisingly I would add that you have the right to find time for yourself and nurture yourself. Such self-care strengthens good parenting and is necessary for personal satisfaction.
You also have the right to be treated with respect and dignity by your child. The best way to set this up is to model the same behaviour to your child.
Over the past few years, schools must develop a Code of Conduct. This includes understanding the rights of children, the dignity of staff, community needs, equal opportunity etc. It is quite an exercise and staff take time to study and develop their Code of Conduct. Once developed it is a living document practised by the school. Whilst families don’t formally develop such documents it is good to remind ourselves that as family, we need to live around each other sensitive to each other’s rights. By setting comfortable boundaries that come with understanding and flexibility for the growing child, we set up a safe environment for everyone.
These rights simply remind us that both children and adults should be given special priority as human beings. The more we model sound parenting with an understanding of a child’s growing and changing needs, the better the return in how they respect and treat us in the long run. Good modelling begets good modelling.
‘When we don’t stand up for children... then we don’t stand for much.’
Marian W Edelman
Do you have a desire or special message you wish to deliver to your children?
There is an old saying, ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’ Your child will be strongly influenced by your image and how this image is portrayed in their young lifetime, will determine how much of it is finally adopted. Family values are important. Read here for some factors to consider. Gail Smith, The Primary Years.
This is worth thinking about. We are by nature creatures that have special interests, passions and focuses that are unique and important to all of us. We all have particular values that we wish to pass on to our children in some form. For some of us there are very clear directions that we want to give our children. For others, it can be a case of wanting to expose your child to many and different facets of life allowing them to come to their own decisions. Whatever your direction there will be some wishes you have in mind that you would like and hope your child would adopt. Perhaps you believe strongly in compassion for those less able-bodied. You would like your children to feel that same passion and urge to help others that comes to you so easily.
Remember that they are their own person and for them to deeply reflect on adopting your passions there are certain factors to consider:
You are the model. Live with and through your beliefs and your child can examine for themselves if they wish to take them on.
Be open to seeing others and their passions. A child will appreciate your values more if they see you have an open mind to other viewpoints and that you are happy to expose them to others’ opinions.
Talk about your passions and put them into realistic terms. They will at times give you highs and lows. Passions will challenge you and disappoint you at times. However, demonstrate that you hold strong to them and that will impress your child.
Take care not to impose your passions onto your child. Sometimes this can be done subtly and a child will tire quickly of being absorbed into your dreams without feeling any personal control over them.
Be patient. Children may disappoint you by rejecting your beliefs and passions. They will go through many stages in their development but ultimately will choose for themselves. You will leave an imprint and if that is a positive image, they are more inclined to adopt your model.
When they bring home opposing thoughts and challenge the importance of your passions, simply listen and respect their right to explore different ways and means. This will show them how you respect their right to think differently and you understand that not all the world holds the same truths dear as you.
If you want your child to learn about things that are important to you, plant seeds by demonstrating how you live by certain rules etc. Don’t enforce their listening but gently express yourself in ways that demonstrate how happy you are.
Let your child know that certain ways of living are important to you and you share them in different ways with your child from time to time. Do not impose your values as a child can grow to resent that behaviour.
Finally, there is an old saying, ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’ Your child will be strongly influenced by your image and how this image is portrayed in their young lifetime, will determine how much of it is finally adopted.
‘If you don’t pass your values on to your kids, someone else will.’
-Frank Sonnenberg