Friends are such an important aspect of a child's feeling of self worth.

Do you have a friend? As an adult we have developed social skills that ensure that we can form friends. We are also socially mature enough to cope with disappointments and to not feel under valued when a friendship ceases. Not so with our children, especially in the primary years. This is a time when they are slowly developing their social literacies and developing friendship they see as a mark of emotional success.

Of course by nature of their development, the friendships will come and go and some will be sustainable, others will have bitter sharp endings which cause the child hurt and confusion.

This is about building social stamina and it also involves building resilience and a growing wisdom to accept the fall outs and to seek friends that make them happy without complications.

I found it interesting as a Principal that parents would naturally worry when their child transferred to our school, as they were concerned about how they would settle and form friends. In almost all cases, not only did the child settle but learnt very quickly how they were successful in forming new friends. This undoubtedly built their self esteem. The change of experience helped accelerate a better understanding of groups and friends.

 Consider the following thoughts about how to support your child through the rigours of finding friends:

• Remember, they are not your friends and even though a child may choose a friend that you have some doubts will be suitable, it is important that they work out the ups and downs of that relationship. You are there to discuss their friendship journey but cannot choose their friends.

• Take care not to talk negatively about their friends. This confuses the child and this is an encouragement for them to go underground and not tell you with whom they are associating. This was quite common in working with children to hear them say that as mum doesn't like a certain child, they just don't let them know that they spend time with them.

• Encourage your child to talk openly about their friendship experiences and when they invite you in to offer opinions, talk generally about what works and perhaps talk about the highs and lows of your journey with friends.

• Be open and invite their friends home no matter what you may think about their suitability. In this area you have an all inclusive policy.

• Take care when having birthday parties. Ensure that it is an inclusive list and not one ostracising children unduly.

• If a child talks about school related friendship issues, together with your child talk to the teacher so that sound strategies can be put in place.

• A careful “I” statement when a child talks about another child who has been unkind is worthwhile.“It sounds like they are not ready to be a good friend at the moment.” Take care here not to talk negatively about the other child.

• Never understate their upset feelings about failed relationships. Often they can have very strong unsettled feelings as it is about their sense of self worth.

Finally, a child must grow to own the responsibility of being in relationship with others. Parents can be great listeners, but the child must experience the journey of learning about relationship with all its disappointments and joys.  

This is a time when children are slowly developing their social literacies and developing friendship, they see as a mark of emotional success.

Learning to deal with conflict

We are always on the look out for preventative measures to avoid conflict in our family setting. This is no doubt a sensible way of allowing a child to have a balanced childhood with appropriate affirmation and encouragement and reduced conflict. Having said this, a child will still need to develop skills in recognising and managing conflict. This starts very early in their life. At kindergarten, children begin to learn cooperative play, mixing with other children, sharing etc. Some say that babies have very intense feelings from birth.

Conflict is a natural part of life and as the child matures, skills need to be developed that enable them to better understand themselves and their ability to work effectively with others. They need to develop an awareness of their feelings and reactions to certain situations. They need to develop a language that enables them to cope with potential conflict situations in their day to day life. Some call this emotional competence.

 A parent can help a child develop these competencies in the following ways:

• How you model social interactions is crucial to their developing an understanding of how to manage conflict. If a parent is over reactive, angry and not reflective, this will impact on the child's understanding of managing conflict. If they see the parent, attempt to remain calm, look at the situation clearly and resolve the matter through dialogue and negotiation, this also has an impact on children, a very positive impact.

• Teaching the child how to negotiate is a key skill you are giving them in managing conflict.

  “I understand we have a problem with regard to going to bed on time. Let's find ways             together  to help this problem.”

  “I am upset that you are not doing your chores. Let's list ways of helping you.”

  Teaching negotiation is about putting up options that will help solve the problem and this will involve negotiation and hopefully an outcome of win/win.

• When a conflict occurs remember this is a time to demonstrate good modelling, just slow down, choose a good time to work through the issue with the child and definitely do not deal with the conflict on the run. Begin to look at how both you and the child can look at the issue working towards respecting each others needs. This will involve compromise and what a wonderful emotional tool you as a parent are giving the child.

Many areas of conflict occur at school. You cannot be there on such occasions but discuss with your child what strategies they will use when they are dealing with conflict. This would make a great family discussion regularly.

Schools are generally well set up when it comes to dealing with conflict issues especially given that student well being coordinators are available to support students. Most school teach a range of social skills in class. Most schools teach restorative justice which helps children understand their feelings and those of the other with whom they have a concern. Be in touch with your child's teachers when concerns are raised at home.

When working with children who were quick to temper and had not yet developed social skills to a manage conflict, I would give them this plan.

1.      Stop and think.

2.      What number on the angry scale would you give yourself?

3.      If high walk away, take big breaths and allow some time before dealing with the problem.

4.      If you feel unsure about the skills to work through the problem, seek out an adult.

If we teach our children not to immediately react, often the level of anger drops down and the situation can be dealt without escalation.

The more we teach our children to be emotionally aware, the greater their relationships with others and the more they can effectively engage broadly in various social settings and be influential.

“With our thoughts we make the world”

— Buddha 563-483BC

“With our thoughts we make the world” ~ Buddha

How do you feel today?

Have you noticed that as a parent you can have very high ups and also downs? Mood swings can be common in most people and especially in parents who are great givers and not takers in their family.

Selflessness can be wearing and there are times as parents finding personal space to recover is difficult juggling work, home and family commitments.

This article reminds us that managing our emotional swings or the more common saying, managing to regulate our emotions is very important around our children. We do need to understand our shifting emotional state and if we tend to get quite low, do we have strategies to help us when in this state?

Do we recognise when we are in this state and especially for prolonged times?

Do we understand ourselves enough to know when our emotional reactions are too extreme in front of our children. Are we able to monitor this or are we struggling to regulate our emotions when dealing with family problems?

Beware of Inter-generational is behavior, such as children repeating patterns of how their parents acted out situations has validity.

Here I am suggesting that too much extreme emotional discharge can create anxiety in children.

I remember parents telling me that when they were over reactive regularly, spontaneously or intermittently, they could see their children's shut down reaction and confused look on their face. They tend to retreat as a means of survival.

The following are some strategies to assist in monitoring your emotional response when around  children.

• Always understand your degree of tiredness. This will help you make decisions on how capable you are to have discussions about family matters that can be emotive. It is best to say that given your tiredness, the matter can be discussed the next day. Of course following it through the next day is critical.

• If there are issues that cause you considerable distress or anger, is it necessary for you to be part of that discussion? Can someone else close to the child take on that issue?

• Talk to your child about how you value regulating your emotions. Perhaps you have some strategies that they could adopt, such as taking big breaths before responding to a difficult situation, walking away, thinking positive thoughts etc.

• If there are certain issues that really press your buttons, explain this to your child. If there are legitimate reasons as to why you can over react easily, let them know these reasons. It is best to be as authentic with your child as possible.

• Remember that when you do over react or become emotionally charged, always come back to the child with an apology or at least an explanation and let the child know why you are disappointed in your over reaction. This demonstrates to the child that you are sincere in trying to regulate your emotions. After all we are human!

Using some of these strategies tells your child that you value emotional balance in your life. It is important in taking ownership of yourself. Such modelling imprints in the child that working towards being in control is developing social and emotional maturity and is to be valued.

Mood swings can be common in most people and especially in parents who are great givers and not takers in their family.

The importance of feeling anger and disappointment.

Strange title you must be thinking. However, this is all about the child experiencing feelings that make them unsettled and uncomfortable from time to time. This is all about strengthening their emotional growth.

We know that children grow existentially when they feel success, but this only comes after they appreciate failure and some disappointment. In my experience, as a Principal, parents who almost disallow their child from feeling disappointment are hindering their child's emotional and often social growth. By this, I mean when a parent tries to take the pain away by blaming others or taking over the problem. I appreciate that a parent must guide and protect their child from reasonable harm, but without some punches, the child will only expect the parent to solve the problem for them. This sets the child up for failure down the track. It also models to the child that they do not have to manage their affairs themselves.

I would be quite concerned when parents wanted a meeting, but insisted that their child be present. In some cases this went very well, but quite often the meeting was merely to show to the child that the parent would solve their problem for them. No surprises when I tell you these meetings I ensured were very short!

The following thoughts help build the child's belief in their own abilities to solve problems.

• As a family, ask the child to chat about their problems as you are open to listen without judgement and certainly you are empathetic to their concerns. The key here is that the child isn't expecting you to solve the problem.
• Talk openly about some problems you have had to work on over time.
• In working with some children I discovered they became anxious about telling their parents as they were concerned that they would take over the problem and cause upset for them at school. Remaining calm and interested in the problem is the key.
• Discuss optional ways the child could solve the problem but always recognising their ideas are very valid. Then give them a chance to “have a go.”
• Applaud their efforts in self managing the problem,whether they succeed or not. This is about recognising how they develop their own strategies.
• If they come back with the issue unresolved that is the time to discuss you engagement in the problem.

In my experience, once they succeed in working through an issue, they become more interested in solving the next problem. Success breeds success and the more a child self manages their issues, the more they attract like minded children.

Children who succeed in working through an issue, become more interested in solving the next problem.

Relationship break ups and other situations that lead to crisis.

We all would like to have a perfect existence without crisis or trauma of any kind. Sadly, life creeps into our perfect world and with this, can come grief and trauma.

The topic of dealing with trauma is quite complex. However, I am very aware of some typical feelings and responses that children have to trauma given my work with them in the school setting.

No matter what the crisis situation that has occurred in the family, many children will for a while shut down their emotions. They can appear quiet and in many cases, their work at school falls back considerably. This is because the shock of what has happened has forced their body to protect itself and learning is not high on their survival list at that time.

One of the early feelings a child can have especially if it is about a family separation is a feeling of self-guilt. They question whether they caused the problem. Another major fear is that if they lose one parent what if they lost both parents?

These thoughts play heavily on their little minds and though irrational to an adult is actually genuine fears for the child. Also, the death of a grandparent who was a close member of the family can be another trigger for distress for the child. They see how upset their parents are and they worry about how this impacts on them.

I could go on with many examples, but the key factor here is that children will experience feelings of grief and they particularly look at their changing vulnerable relationship with their parents.

My first thought here is to say that children should go through the natural process of grief. We need to take care that we do not shut them off from the reality of life. It takes a village to bring up a child and death and trauma of different sorts are part of that village.

Our response to their needs at the time of trauma can be demanding given that the parent is experiencing such deep, personal feelings at that time. 

Here are some suggestions that I feel help the child at that critical time in everyone's life.

• Remember that together you are sharing the grief. Children need honesty more than ever at this time and when a crisis in a family comes, in a careful and planned way it is important to talk to the child about the issue. Try not to avoid telling them for some time.

• Choose the right time and the right place to tell them what is happening. Children can fixate on that situation later and so it needs to be in a calm and reassuring space. It also should be a time when you are appropriately ready to talk to them about the matter. Lead into the conversation with something like:

“I need to talk to you about something that is making everyone sad at the moment.......”

Making a  gentle entry into what you need to talk about gives the child time to prepare their thoughts.

• Remember that when you first tell a child about a relationship break up, death etc. they will only process a little of what you tell them. Speak with clarity and to the point. Going into long explanations when first telling a child about the issue will not be effective. They will only hear the main fact. As time progresses they will ask more questions and when ready, this is a time to talk in more detail.

• Take care that in dealing with a parent's personal grief, the child is not brought into any negative discussion. This is particularly something to watch when there are relations breakups.

Keep in mind that in the early stages a child will be anxious about themselves and their primary securities around them. They may lose some personal confidence for a while and behaviour changes may occur. This is a time to reinforce that they are loved and that supports around them are strong and always present. Reassurance that relationships with the child remain intact is such a critical part of dealing with their grief, especially in the early stages.

If as a parent you are struggling with your own emotions, choose carefully the time to talk to the child. Most children actually have a very clear understanding of your pain and look to see if in any way that changes their relationship with you. I always remember a child telling me that they never talked to their parent about the matter as they always looked so sad and it would cause them to be sadder.

Grief changes over time and with professional support for all the family, families can move on with their life even though changes have occurred that will permanently alter their world as they know it.

The key point here is that children are very astute when it comes to recognising sadness and distress in the family. They are like a hound dog and can quickly sniff out emotional shifts. Remember to include them in the journey of change after trauma has occurred. Whilst we prefer to shelter them, it is best to build their emotional stamina so that they too can move on with strength and greater capacity to understand life in all its shapes and forms. Within a family, all aspects of life occur and it is a perfect environment to grow across so many aspects of life.

If as a parent you are struggling with your own emotions, choose carefully the time to talk to the child.

Know your limits. It's the safest way.

Have you ever noticed how you change when unable to cope?  This could be through tiredness, health issues or just you have just reached your limit! Beware these are the vulnerable times when we can overreact with our children. Easily done! Sadly we pay a high price in our relationship when this occurs.

Your child has refused to listen all morning and now he has damaged some furniture. It's enough to set off a chain of verbal abuse on the child. When we do this, we come back feeling vulnerable and wondering how we can undo what we have just done!

Always remember it is the behaviour we do not like. It is not a dislike of the child. When we are tired and vulnerable, how we talk to the child often looks and sounds like we dislike the child!

We are all human and children's behaviour can send our pulses racing.

Parents often tell me that using the following strategies helps limit the likelihood of being out of control.

• Consider stepping back from the situation when it gets out of hand. This can be done by walking away for a few minutes, entering another room, deep breathing, counting to ten etc. It is about creating a space between the incident and your reaction.
• Try preventative methods. If you know that there is a likelihood of escalating bad behaviour from the child, are there things that can be done to reduce that escalation. For example, take along toys, books etc. that can be a distraction. Let the child choose what he would like to take with him.
• Ask yourself do you have to go ahead with the activity at that point? Can it be delayed where the child is not involved?

Keep in your mind some simple “I” statements that limit the anger.

• “I am really upset at the moment and can't talk about it.”

• “I am so angry that this has happened. I need some time to think about it.”

Talk to the child about what you are about to do, shopping etc. Discuss what will help them be settled during this time. Rewarding a child who has had to put in an effort is acceptable but of course not all the time.

Progressively, during the morning or the activity, acknowledge their efforts in behaving well. Thanking them for supporting you is also valuable. Comment on how it made you work faster or achieve your goals well.

Remember it is about reducing the likelihood of reactionary behaviour which is sometimes complicated and hard to reconcile. Often, when we do have these outbursts, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction. This causes doubt and confusion in their mind. 

Know your own capabilities and recognise the signs where fatigue etc. will set in and over stimulate your negative reaction to problems. Minimising your reactions enables you to deal with the behaviour in a calmer way.

When we have outburstsover behaviour, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction.

Capture the moment and savour the experience.

If you read anything about Mindfulness you will learn that it is about finding peace and harmony in the moment. As parents we are fanatically busy rearing our children, providing for their lifestyle and planning for the future. Everything will be better if we just..... or when we just .....

It was quite a common conversation to have with parents who were always working towards ensuring their child's future was going to be a great one.

“We are busy this week as we are planning for …......”

Do we ever get the chance to stop and savour an actual moment with our child. They are growing mentally, physically, emotionally and intellectually at a very fast pace. Just look at the photos you take from month to month.  Just reflect on your older children and ask yourself where have the years flown?

This blog is simply an encouragement to stop and smell the roses.

When your child is simply being themselves just stop and enjoy. Perhaps linger longer as you reflect on their childish ways. We don't need to wait for the cute moments and capture them on camera. Just enjoy the beauty of your child in the moment. Be mindful of their presence as they settle into you for a cuddle or settle into bed with a book. How about just observing them play? Sometimes, they are just present being themselves in whatever way that is at that moment.

Think about the beauty that you have in your life through their existence and savour that moment.

The days, weeks and years go quickly.  It is about seizing the moment. You will feel better for the experience and start building a beautiful image of your child.

Sometimes, through adversity comes this simple appreciation of things. When a child is very ill and then recovers, we really begin to appreciate the presence and joy of that child.

Try not to get trapped in negative memories or to stay unhappily focused on negative behaviour for too long. Just to enjoy the simple joy of your child is being mindful of their presence.

Consider the following ideas to help with this process of just simply enjoying your child.

• Every day plan to just be present with them for a moment and think about how special that is for you. If you do this daily, it will start to become a  habit and it will start positively changing how you process through problems with your child.
• Take photos and proudly display them. Personally reflect on each scene for a minute and enjoy that moment you shared together.
• Choose a special time of the day which you share together. This could be at bedtime, in the car, at meal times etc. On these occasions, just reflect on what your child is saying or doing. Just stop and listen deeply for a moment. Shut out the distractions around and just be present for that moment. Some parents then like to write  down their thoughts and it begins to form a journal of beautiful self reflections on your child.

Laughter is a great experience to share. Try to find some time when you simply laugh together. One of my greatest fans was my grandmother. I have a lasting image of her dancing around the kitchen with a tea towel on her head. I cherish that image as it so vivid in my mind. When I think of her this image often comes to mind. It is a happy warm image, a snapshot of a remarkable woman in my life.

We all practise the art of stopping movies in between scenes. Consider that we are doing this with our daily experience. You are capturing moments on our emotional lens and savouring the scene. Don't press the play button too soon!

Consider some ideas in this article to help with this process of just simply enjoying your child.

Be a negotiator not a winner

Children need to be heard.

Sometimes this is tricky when they are asking for something which seems quite unreasonable.

Remember your childhood and when you wanted something that was important to you. Who were you more inclined to approach? The parent that had a black and white way of operating or the one that calmly listened. I'll bet it was the latter!

Children always gravitate around the parents who listen with interest and who don't dismiss them too quickly. The best approach is to listen with intent and then discuss why you have concerns about their request. If you can reach some compromise, so that a negotiation happens, the child feels that you have at least understood their needs and were prepared to compromise.

For example, if a child wants to go to a friend's place to play, do you agree that this could happen but only perhaps for a short time? This is considering their needs as well as your own.

If a child asks for an Ipad and this is quite unsuitable, explain your reasons and discuss when and how you would be prepared to consider it, sometime in the future.

It is all about creating a win/win. The child feels heard and valued. You feel that whilst you cannot comply with the whole request, there could be some aspects on which you are prepared to negotiate. 

Giving in to requests that do not suit you or simply saying no, without any thought behind the decision, creates dissatisfaction all round and the child has not began to learn the art of negotiation.

Better to keep in relationship with your child by showing them that you listen and where possible can negotiate.

Sometimes in my experience with negotiating with children, as they became more familiar with how to negotiate, they would be quite humorous and say with a smile,

"Can we renegotiate that Mrs Smith!"

Black and white doesn't win the battle

How to give children a way of understanding failure.

Growing up is such a learning curve on so many levels!

As an adult we understand through our developed emotional intelligence that failure happens to all of us. We also understand that sometimes it takes time and effort to turn failure into success.

We also learn that failure is another way of learning and growing stronger.

A child who has less experience and is not emotionally mature enough to understand failure can see it as quite a blocker to their learning. They can shut down quite easily, being more comfortable in not doing anything rather than “having a go”. The more frequently this happens, the longer it takes to change the patterns.

It is quite common to hear parents comment on how their child has stopped trying as they are scared of failure. After all, in their mind, the best defence is just not doing the work, if it gives you feelings of being unsuccessful. As a parent, this can be quite daunting, especially if you feel that you are always affirming them for their efforts.

I have seen this pattern in many children and no surprises, it is often the first child that struggles in this area. There is no simple answer, as it does require the child developing a set of skills to overcome this fear and this takes time and perseverance on the part of the supporting family. Below are some suggestions for supporting your child's developing  emotional awareness.

With a child who is finding their work never adequate or good enough, affirm different aspects of their work not just offering an overall affirmation.

“I really like the way you drew the line on the page. It's very straight”

 “I am so impressed that you started that sentence well.”

Here you are building positive comments in that are real and the child can see that it is genuine.  But take care not to constantly affirm as the child disengages from excessive, general affirmation.

Talk openly about failures that you have had to deal with and discuss the ways you solved the problem or at least handled the situation. Here you are reinforcing the concept that failure is part of everyday life. This is effective coaching without forcing solutions on a child.

There are wonderful books on building self worth and coping with failure. Book stores that cover emotion and feelings are excellent for this purpose. As you read the stories of how failure was a process that a child had to work through, discuss similar times in your own life.

Keep a success journal. This means that every time your child has felt that they overcome a feeling of failure, write about it as a family. Remember, we are affirming the efforts or tools that the child used to overcome the fear.

Also a success jar is fun where you add a marble every time a child works through a fear of failure.

Talk to your child's teacher about the areas that they notice cause anxiety in your child. This gives you some ideas on what areas to affirm at home. Remember to be specific when affirming.

Use the scale approach.

“You are anxious about that test? On a scale of one to ten how do you feel? Now what can we do to drop that number and slow the anxiety down?”

Here you acknowledge that sometimes you will still have anxiety about the problem but by finding ways to lower the fear, you can cope so much better.

Keep in mind that it is important to recognise their fears and not downplay their importance. This way they know you are really listening to them.

“It sounds to me like you are really worried about talking in front of the class. Tell me more about that feeling.” By listening honestly, the child will be comfortable in talking about their fears.

Discuss with the whole family how important it is to acknowledge the child's fear and encourage other less stressed siblings to not underplay their fear.

Learning to cope with fear is a gradual process and once a child develops some tools to cope better and feels success from this, they begin to strengthen their emotional maturity and identify in themselves the cues that lead to fear of failure.

Affirmation for your child's good work and success is important.  How much is too much and when is it needed?

What's in a school year?

There are four term in a school year.  

A teacher thinks and plans four terms, each with 10 or eleven weeks work. As parents you will soon get into a similar routine of planning around the four terms.

First term is all about establishment, building relationships, getting to know the children in class and establishing friendship groups. Some children are not great change agents and this can take a little time. For some children, it may take the whole term, especially if they bonded well with the previous teacher and class. Teachers are settling into routines and it is important that the parents understand how the teachers work. This way you can support your child best by talking about the teacher's style..

Term two, routines are well set up and expectations very clearly set. This is a time to ensure your child has established patterns of working at home and at school.

Term three is serious consolidation and by this time, teachers have a lot of data about their students where they set goals very specifically for each child. This is also winter time and it is not uncommon for children to have bouts of illness. Keep an eye on their health and make certain they get plenty of sleep around this time.

Term four is a happy one and a time to really deepen their connections with teachers and class. Towards the end of the year, anxiety can creep in with the prospect of change. This is a time to chat to them about the excitement of change and remind them how they settled into their current class. 

 Remember school is about routine and each term has its own character and purpose. 

How can you plan for the different school terms?