How useful are questions when talking to children?
Do you ever get frustrated when asking questions to your child? Do you get the yes, no answers? If you are seeking information from your child, consider the question you ask. Here are some tips to get some communication started with your child.
Do you ever get frustrated when asking questions to your child? Do you get the yes, no answers which give you little information but they certainly make it an easy reply for the child?
If you are seeking information from your child, consider the question you ask. There are two types of questions. One is the closed question. This leads to receiving a specific answer. The answer will be very short. Often a yes, no, maybe. A closed question is phrased such as:
‘Would you like some lunch?’
‘Is school on today?’
‘Are you upset?’
Notice that one-word answers don’t give you much information but of course serve a purpose. Some children wait for more questions but others are satisfied that at least they answered. This can be frustrating for a parent who is seeking more information.
Open questions on the other hand give a child plenty of scope in how they answer them. They are a chance to talk more about feelings and attitudes regarding different matters.
Consider the open question:
‘Tell me about school today?’
‘How do you feel about having lunch early?’
‘Can you tell me about the maths test you had today?’
‘What is it like having a new teacher?’
These questions give a child plenty of scope in answering you and they offer more of an understanding of the situation. They are rich in information. They are a chance to have a real conversation and to understand much quicker if there are underlying problems.
With open-ended questions take care to:
Use them carefully. A child may give you a lot of information and you need to respect the information and not attack the generous answer.
Often an open-ended question may lead into other open-ended questions. This requires good reflective listening on the part of the adult.
Try to avoid following on with ‘why’ questions. They are clumsy and often shut down a child from talking.
Try not to use open-ended questions to simply satisfy your curiosity. They do invite a child to talk more and we need to respect what they have to say.
Remember that open-ended questions will continue to be useful if not used all the time. Sometimes a simple closed question gives you all the information you may need.
Be prepared that a child may disclose more of their emotions in answering an open-ended question and this will mean that you need to be prepared to pick up on this.
If you are not in a good position to listen to the answer of an open needed question wait until you have more time to focus on the child.
Finally, asking questions should not become a game especially when you become more skilful in using open-ended questions. Teachers often reflect on the mood and temper of a child before asking questions as they know the best response will come when the child is ready to talk. As parents, we work with our children on the run. This can sometimes cause us to stumble when talking to our children. Probing questions are often used when in a hurry for information. They are the least effective. Choose your times wisely when wanting to ask questions. This is more satisfying for both you and the child.
‘I don’t pretend we have all the answers. But the questions are worth thinking about.’
- Arthur Clarke
The importance of the child feeling safe
Children have a right to feel safe. The importance of feeling safe is critical to a healthy society and mental health. Small steps can be used to help your child feel safe and secure and small things can make them feel unsafe, even in their own home. Read here for some parenting tips and considerations.
The right to feel safe are popular words used by many aspects of society today. The importance of feeling safe is critical to a healthy society. It has particular importance for a child as their fragility and reliance on adults means that trusting the individual is critical for their mental stability and emotional sense of security as they are growing up.
For a child to feel safe in the hands of their parents there are many areas of safety to consider. Here are some that hopefully invite thoughts for parents.
Consider:
The safety of using good language is very important. Do we speak well to our children and not use words that can be a put down to a child? Name-calling and abusive use of language around children can leave a lasting memory. It is a powerful tool that can be used for good or evil.
A child feels safe in their home when they know that their parents look after them and nurture their needs especially when it comes to food, shelter and comfort. It is amazing how important their personal space and safe places like their bedroom are to them.
A child needs to play and they feel safe when they can play comfortably and uninterrupted with their toys, games etc. Consider the positioning of such items around the house.
Consider also safety when you plan holidays etc. I appreciate that planning such events is cumbersome, but give an extra thought to how your child will move around the holidays and with whom they will be associating. A child who is unfamiliar with new spaces has little skill in managing themselves when out of control or anxious.
In keeping your child well informed about what is happening in the family, you reduce their anxiety and the trust they place in you makes them feel safer. A child who feels that they do not have the true facts can become quite insecure.
Another form of safety is controlling the social media they are exposed to and television. As the child grows more independent in using such material your control can and will lessen. You need to be ahead of the game and talking to the school, looking at safety websites etc.is necessary. Ensure your child knows that you will be monitoring their use of technology for their own safety.
As an important and crucial model for your child by living your life happily will make your child feel safer. Research has proven time and time again that happy and well-adjusted parents make the child feel secure.
Also, the child should feel safe in making disclosures to you about serious matters in their life. They will do this if they have the confidence that you will handle their information well and not overreact. They need to feel safe that the information given will be treated well and there will be no surprises to your reaction. This is quite a big concern for a child who wants to disclose but must also feel safe enough to talk about it.
Consider that a child also needs you to be confidential about special things they tell you that are personal and important to them. They feel quite let down when they hear you talking to others about matters that should be just between you and your child. That intimacy is precious between yourself and the child.
Ultimately, the more the child trusts you and feels that you are an authentic and confidential person, the more they will feel safe in the love and care of their family through their growing years.
‘If children feel safe, they can take risks, ask questions, make mistakes, learn to trust, share their feelings and grow.’
- Alfie Kohn
The importance of simply reflecting on what a child has to say
Children can come out with all sorts of negative comments, but tt is all about really listening to the child and picking up what is the real bottom line of the problem, especially the feelings. It's important to reflect on what a child has to say and really listen.
This is all about reflecting back to the child what the child has said to you, the parent. It is all about paraphrasing what has been said, picking out the most important content details of what has been said by the child. The parent then talks back to the child expressing what the child has said and giving reassurance to the child that they actually heard the essence of what they were saying. The parent can pick up on the emotional aspects to the child’s conversation.
Child: ‘I hate it when my friend won’t play with me.’
Parent: ‘You are upset if they do not play with you and you feel hurt.’
It is all about really listening to the child and picking up what is the real bottom line of the problem, especially the feelings.
Reflecting on what a child says is not:
Using the information to lecture the child.
Correcting the child’s information.
Expressing an opinion on what the child says.
It is actually:
Listening without questioning the content.
Holding off on having opinions on what they say.
Being neutral and getting to the essence of their hurt.
Simply listening and not interrupting.
It is about respecting their pain.
Keep in your mind some feeling words that come in handy when reflecting back how your child felt. Words such as;
Happy, sad, angry confused, disappointed, surprised frightened helpless, insecure.
For example: ‘You seem unhappy that your friend left the school.’
Reflection of feelings is used extensively in counselling situations but it is also a very useful tool for a parent to let their child know that they heard their pain.
‘The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.’
Peggy O’ Mara
Learn to complete things - an important lesson for our children
Not completing things is a form of self sabotage where you may get bored easily and literally stop short of being successful. It can be very habit forming and a way of dealing with things that just seem too hard. Sound familiar? We are all guilty of it, but we can play a role in teaching children how to follow through and make decisions to commit and see something through.
Not completing things is a form of self sabotage where you may get bored easily and literally stop short of being successful. It can be very habit forming and a way of dealing with things that just seem too hard. It also means that you leave many loose ends that can make you feel quite unsatisfied. Giving up before reaching the finishing line is a sure way to defeat confidence and it repeats itself. Starting projects can seem exciting at the beginning, but ploughing through the hard stuff, often leads people to quickly give up. Now consider your child. How much easier is it for them to give up when it just seems too hard.
It’s important to teach our children to finish what they start.
Consider:
If your child gets excited at the prospect off joining a sports team, tennis lessons, swimming club etc be prepared to talk through the length of the commitment as often children struggle to understand that there is a time frame that you must adhere to and honour your commitments.
Help your child with managing the commitment as there is often a waving off time when a child wants to pull out after the initial commencement of the program. Keep on talking to them about the positive outcome of completing and try to explore how obstacles can be removed from the path of completing the task.
Ensure that you do not have too many commitments on the go with your child. This makes it easier for them to pull out because of excessive demand. Smaller goals and less of them is more likely to be successfully completed.
Affirm your child when they demonstrate that they show commitment to some project. Applaud the endurance and effort and especially the celebration of completion. Teachers often issue certificates of completion as they understand this has merit to a child who will feel good about themselves seeing the certificate.
Being a completer of things shows that you are developing self discipline so demonstrate to your child how famous people with strong self discipline succeed. I immediately think of Ash Barty who has been a wonderful model to young Australians. Her recent retirement from her successful tennis career was all about completing her goal of winning the Australian Open. Once done, she now moves on to other goals.
Talk to your child of positive reasons for finishing tasks. This can be starting with small tasks. The more a child builds success from completion, the more perseverance they develop in keeping up with finishing projects.
Children will easily give up a task if they think it is not good enough. This starts from an early age where a child will walk away from a drawing, painting etc. Here we start the habit of teaching them that completing the work makes for success and it is all about having a go and completing the activity. Often a parent could give a young child a small reward for, demonstrating that they finished what they started. This is all about good conditioning from an early age, establishing patterns that are set for life.
Finally, nobody wants to stifle the enthusiasm of a child when they discover some passion or interest in a project they they would like to start. However, we do need to gently outline the lengths and parameters of what they are taking on to avoid disappointment and a sense of failure when incomplete. Perhaps we can find supportive ways to help them complete tasks and of course to affirm their ability to demonstrate completion. Nothing more satisfying then to complete tasks and I guess this is what we would like our children to feel.
Children who find school a struggle
Many children have times when they feel they are struggling not just with school but also with friends, home issues, siblings, etc. Children can and do have down times. If your child is struggling, read here for some tips.
Many children have times when they feel they are struggling not just with school but also with friends, home issues, siblings, etc. Children can and do have down times. It’s natural. Also there are some children who really find the process of school difficult academically and socially. There are many shades in between but it is reasonable to say that most children will have some struggles along the way. A proportion of this is acceptable, but when it gets out of hand it is necessary to intervene but effectively.
Consider:
If your child has outbursts of frustration then these must just happen. Sometimes frustration comes out through poor behaviour, moodiness, etc., but these feelings need to be expelled. It is their way of letting you know how poor they feel and they want you to have that same feeling. Best to let it happen and gently talk to them:
‘Seems like you have something on your mind. You are so upset.’
Here you are giving them a chance to simply talk about the matter. You are not asking the question, why?
Creating space when tension builds is a great vehicle for a child letting off steam and it gives you the parent a chance to process what has just happened with the outburst. Many a time in the classroom, when tension was building up, we all went out for a quick run on the oval. It was an amazing way to break from the stress and it set the scene for a new direction. Fresh air and a quick walk can make all the difference for all parties concerned.
After a child becomes reactive you cannot go straight into conversations, trying to make sense of what has happened. They are simply not listening at that point and probably will not hear the logic of what you are saying. In our best interest we want to understand the behaviour but think about yourself after you have been quite upset, do you hear what people are saying to you? The same happens after shocks. That immediate follow up time is a time when listening is non existent.
There is a tendency to naturally help our children excessively especially when we see them struggling. Whilst your assistance is needed and valued it, should be tempered with the child learning about failure and accepting that we learn through failure. However, a child must have feelings of success along the way. So I appreciate the care and balance you make as a caring parent when helping your child.
Keep the school close to you. They are the key figures in formal learning for the child. They set homework and should take responsibility if it is too much for the child. Homework is very secondary as a learning tool and should not come between you and the child. Remember you are not the arbitrator of what the child learns. You are the loving parent giving reassurance.
Helping your child put organisation into their life is a great way of supporting their learning. Many children can get overwhelmed by the school’s expectations and if you gently assist in helping them plan out the week this can reduce pressure.
If you have a child inclined to build anxiety quickly then consider slowing down the expectations for the week. Tailor those expectations to suit how the child is coping and be flexible when it comes to domestic expectations etc. A change in pace can make all the difference for an anxious child who lacks confidence.
Plenty of sleep and exercise is a critical dimension to a child’s life. Sometimes when a child is struggling at school they may have success through sport and they feel so much better.
Try not to keep asking how are they going at school? They will tell you in due time. Asking too often can only encourage them to shut down and not talk about school at all. After all who wants to talk about feeling a failure? Turn your questions about school into a positive framework:
‘You seemed happy coming out of the classroom, I wonder what that was about?’
Classroom teachers are very conscious of providing daily balance for the children throughout the whole week. This balance is all about ensuring they have successes and they learn from mistakes. They should have moments of feeling good about their achievements and moments of being socially well accepted. It’s all about the right checks and balances and so too is our parenting, especially with those children more vulnerable.
‘There are two gifts we should give our children, is roots and the other is wings.’
The words we choose to use.
How we speak to our children is long-lasting. Read here for some thoughts on how to manage ourselves in using effective communication with children.
When you think about your impact on the world and most specially your children, consider that what you say delivers important messages and sends out clear vibes to all within earshot.
According to a very early philosopher, Horace 65-8BC
“words once spoken can never be revoked”
Sounds harsh and yes, we all make mistakes in how and what we say from time to time, but the impact can be great and the words lasting, if hurtful. Children are particularly sensitised to the words we use when we talk to them. Careless speech can have a longer-term memory with children. Name calling is taken to heart and can come under the banner of emotional bullying.
Teachers know all so well that the words they use around children will have an impact on teaching them. They realise very early in their career that their use of language can make or break a child’s interest in learning.
Here are some thoughts on how to manage ourselves in using effective speak around our children.
It is often said to have your mind well ahead of your mouth. By reflecting on what we are about to say, we can choose our words carefully, which do no harm, but deliver a good message. Some say stop and think before speaking. A small moment of thought can also slow down any quick temper we may have, which can influence how and what we say.
Watch the tiredness. When we are feeling tired, we are less likely to speak well, but rather more focussed on just getting the message across. Consider if you are tired is it necessary to have an in-depth conversation with your child? Sometimes it is best to wait. Silence can be very effective at times. It allows some mental breathing space.
Using words well can do an amazing amount of good with our children. They often hang on our words and listen carefully for the intent. The more we speak affectionately using a positive tone of voice, they feel reassured and valued. Never fall into the trap of thinking a louder, sterner voice has more impact. It in fact shuts people down from listening. Minds close in an effort to protect themselves from bombarding sounds.
Our children live in a world where less speak and more action on social media which is isolating is seen as better. Therefore, sound, healthy discussions using positive language and reassuring words is important to counterman the shrinking oral language used around our children.
To build a strong relationship which your child you will need to be using language to get messages across, reassure them and nurture them. There is nothing more delightful than hearing words used by a parent that are positive, reassuring, loving and wholesome.
This is about using words wisely and understanding the power of them to build relationships. Careless, thoughtless words are hurtful and damaging. They serve no positive purpose in strengthening relationships.
Of course, we can say sorry for careless words used and ask for forgiveness. The challenge is to train ourselves to avoid such language and if necessary, say nothing. Less careless words used presents a very reassuring image as a parent.
An old saying is: if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all. What a fine message this is to finish the blog!
‘Choose your words wisely. They reveal your inner character.
-Jim George
Being a mum - something to think about
I have learnt some precious realities in watching mums raise a family, live with it and through it, suffer all the hardships, carry the weak moments and rise above the troubled spots. Now that’s being a mum!
Over the many years of being a principal and having such deep involvement with families, I have huge respect for the role women play as the mother in the family. Yes, it has a special place in everyone’s heart. I have learnt some precious realities in watching mums raise a family, live with it and through it, suffer all the hardships, carry the weak moments and rise above the troubled spots. Now that’s being a mum!
As a treat and a time to reflect on your importance and value, consider the following awareness that I have acquired watching and observing mothers over the years:
No matter how the days and weeks pan out, you are still a pivotal point in the life of your child. That is an absolute.
Across the day, a child thinks and talks about their mum quite often. Mums are very much part of their daily thinking in and out of school. Thoughts of their mums rarely leave their consciousness.
Have you ever seen how your child looks at you? Those powerful glances where they seek your approval and know that therein lies ultimate truth. They can rely on that truth.
When your child is annoyed or irritable with you, it is often because they don’t like the fallout with someone so precious in their life. Their balance is skewed and they want you front and centre in their consciousness.
Your journey with your child will have many roads and some a little challenging. Whatever the path, it is a journey that you share together and is precious to you both. Along the path, there will be troughs and smooth paths but together you will navigate the best route forward in rain and sunshine. Just follow that yellow brick road!
The unconditional love you have for your child has such incredible potential. Are there are many things where unconditional love is valued more? Your child knows this feeling and gains immense feelings of security and well-being from it.
Being a mum should be fun and even though it can express all the emotions from fatigue to anger, joy to sorrow, would you have it any other way? Try to build in more fun. Nothing happier than to see play and joy between mother and child.
That little individual you have given birth to will, one day independently take part fully in life. Your influence in this is immense and lasting. But remember if you hold onto their hands too long, they cannot come back to hug you.
Once a mum always a mum and then a grandmother and then just a powerful wisdom long lasting in the life of the family. What a treasure you become to so many overtime!
Your journey as a fully rounded individual must be attributed in part to being a mum. Think of all the lessons in life you have learnt since becoming a mother. Your rich sense of compassion, empathy, astuteness, selflessness etc. must have all been stimulated by what you have learnt along the way, especially during motherhood.
Finally, find time to celebrate your motherhood. Have a special bath, a glass of champagne, an extra run in the park, whatever makes you happy. You deserve it and thanks for helping to shape good mankind.
‘Being a mother is about learning about strengths you didn’t know you had.’
-Linda Wooten
Keeping track of the media for children
There is so much news at the moment about the distressing situation in Ukraine, the ongoing battle with Covid and other local issues. The recent floods were very disturbing in Australia. It doesn’t take long for children to pick up that there is much anxiety and stress in our world.
There is so much news at the moment about the distressing situation in Ukraine, the ongoing battle with Covid and other local issues. The recent floods were very disturbing in Australia. It doesn’t take long for children to pick up that there is much anxiety and stress in our world.
Children’s exposure to television is a common way in which they pick up the news and often news items come intermittently throughout the day. Snippets of distressing news items appear across the screen spontaneously and often underlined in bold are the words, Breaking News. Immediately our eyes are drawn to the words and we anticipate reading something that has a shock factor. Our children are familiar with how television stations present their news and they can become conditioned into waiting with anticipation for what comes next.
No surprise that our children can be anxious about what they see and hear on the news. Also, schoolyard gossip can be quite instrumental in building feelings of anxiety about matters around which your child has no control.
Understanding that we live in a world where exposure to sudden shock news is evident, there are some practical ways in which you the parents can control what they are exposed to across the week.
Keep an eye on the television when it is in public view. Children’s programs are controlled for news but not with other programs that are not child censored. This may mean turning off the television more frequently and being around your child during their viewing time.
Have family conversations about how news works and encourage your child to talk about any issues they have seen which upset them. Your child needs to feel secure and comfortable in talking to you about feelings of being unsettled or issues that are disturbing.
Consider where your television is placed in the house. Are you able to see and hear what they are watching? Being in the background and in easy reach of the remote is so important.
Also, if you have newspapers lying around the house, if the headlines are provocative statements, keep them away from your child. It is very hard for children to understand the subtlety of newspaper headlines which can be conflicting and unsettling for little eyes.
Educate your child about the news of the day. They should be kept up with what is important news but it must be age-appropriate and discussed in a gentle and responsible way. Teaching your child to read news with a responsible and objective outlook is important.
As parents, we want our children to be gradually introduced into our wondrous world. We prepare them for what is ahead and we understand that they will take on global challenges in different ways. Giving them a slow and stable introduction to what the world presents on paper and screen is the best way for them to develop a critical and responsive eye, decipher the truth and put things into perspective. Anxiety is often bred from ignorance and a parent’s role is to give their child optimum opportunities to be in control of that anxiety.
‘It is commonly agreed that children spend more hours per year watching television than in the classroom, and far less in actual conversations with the parents.’
-Paul Wehrich
Keep the conversations alive and frequent with your child
Read here for pointers to consider wayst to help your child process through the days, weeks, months and terms ahead at school. Children will always want to do the right thing and will be anxious if rules are broken or the messages unclear. They will then begin to feel vulnerable and anxious about what to believe. Gail Smith, The Primary Years.
Now that school is back, our children will feel all the demands and expectations being placed on schools with regard to health and safety matters concerning the state of the virus in schools. They will also be reflecting on how they will personally manage under the circumstances and questioning what really makes them safe. Of course, there will be much reassurance coming from teachers and as the parent, you will be putting everything in place as requested by the school and Government requirements.
Actually, whilst we will all do our best, consider what is important to help your child process through the days, weeks, months and terms ahead? Children will always want to do the right thing and will be anxious if rules are broken or the messages unclear. They will then begin to feel vulnerable and anxious about what to believe. What I recommend is simply to keep the conversations alive at home.
Consider:
Conversations should be active and frequent at home with regard to how you are all managing the rules. Let your child tell their story about how their day went and what influenced decisions. Let them feel comfortable in talking about their fears and troubles across the day which at times could be challenging.
Encouraging conversation invites your child to keep the talk going about how they are feeling or concerns they have that need addressing. Schoolyard talk can incite fears and phobias. Frequent parental talk can easily dispel such fears.
Conversations need to be positive about how so many successful approaches are being taken to help at school. Remember that providing hope is an important part of our narrative.
In the conversation invite your child to talk about how the rules at school are working. Talk about a fundamental point which is, that it is all about feeling safe. Demonstrate that you trust and value the work the school is doing to make your child safe. Feeling safe is the bottom line when it comes to conversation
Regular small spontaneous discussions can be the order of the day. It is all about giving children a chance to discuss their feelings and their journey through the pandemic. Small incidental reassuring chats can make all the difference
Be an effective and patient listener when your child talks about their experiences. If any issues concern you try to keep emotion in tact as children will pick up your anxiety quickly.
Talking about issues that make you anxious can be very emotionally tiring. Choose the best time to talk to your children and keep it sweet and to the point. A child’s day should be primarily filled with joy. The topic of the pandemic is heavy.
Remember that classrooms will be frequently discussing their health agendas and teachers will treat it as part of the normal daily routine. When talking to your child about the topic, build it into some normal routine if possible. Perhaps a discussion at dinner or bedtime etc. You will be the best judge of the timing and place.
Finally, the best protection for our children is to keep gently educating them on how we are understanding and managing the virus. Knowledge is power and they are entitled to be in control of that themselves. The more they are in control of themselves, the mentally safer they are and the happier they will be in being personally confident.
‘You’ve always had the POWER my dear, you just had to learn it for YOURSELF.’
-Wizard of Oz’
The last breath of our summer holidays - let it linger longer.
As we enter the last phase of our summer holidays, I imagine there are many thoughts going through our minds about starting up again in 2022. What will this look like we wonder? How can I give hope and joy to my children when there is still so much around that is a cause of anxiety? Read on for some tips to consider. Gail Smith, Author, The Primary Years.
As we enter the last phase of our summer holidays, I imagine there are many thoughts going through our minds about starting up again in 2022. What will this look like we wonder? How can I give hope and joy to my children when there is still so much around that is a cause of anxiety? Let me remind everyone that the Summer is still with us and so too the last breath of the summer holidays. So, enjoy! Don’t let them be compromised by anxious preparations for the new school year.
Consider:
Now could be an excellent time to take time to talk with your family taking stock of all the relaxation and fun you have been having together. What have you really enjoyed about these holidays?
Discuss how you can get the best out of the last few weeks before routine begins again.
Now is also a time to start some gentle talk about what you as a family have put in place for the year. Does it include more holidays? Are their surprises, celebrations that need planning together? Talk up the positive aspects of the year that you are looking forward to.
Perhaps you can start the talk about how the vaccine has influenced our world. It will be important to discuss the plans you have to combat the virus and provide safety for your children. This reassurance is important as they contemplate school.
Are there some fun habits that you have developed as a family over the holidays? What can you bring from the holidays into your daily routine?
Some of our best weather comes into February and March. Can you plan some special weekends ahead once school starts? This eases the children more comfortably into the year and reminds them of the balance between work and family leisure. It can be quite a sharp contrast going from summer holidays back to school.
Schools are starting to awake for the new school year and I appreciate that planning for school will come into the next few weeks. Tap into it gently and keep the lingering of Summer longer in the mind of the family. A child will learn best once refreshed and feeling secure with their family surrounds.
We hear on the news, daily statistics regarding Covid. It can feel overwhelming and certainly puts a damper to a day’s start. Control the news around the children. A day should be started enthusiastically and without anxiety for a child.
Above all the child will get the best from this year after a great summer start. Give it a boost of enthusiasm in the last few weeks and above all give them a sense that 2022 will be a year of much more certainty and hope.
‘The tans will fade but the memories may last forever’.
-Town and Country magazine
When to simply ignore the problem
This cannot always be easy and yet it can be a troublesome area for parents who struggle to let go of issues or behaviours that are poor. We all have our buttons that can be pushed easily. We need to know our measures and what triggers our reaction to different situations. Sometimes, simply tiredness and fatigue can shorten our tolerance level. Also, there are some situations that make parents more reactive or anxious when a child behaves inappropriately. This article is to invite reflection on the whole area of when it is better to simply ignore certain behaviours. Why you ask, when the behaviour is inappropriate? Well, consider:
The stronger reactions we have to our child’s behaviour, the more they grow to expect that response. Therefore, are we sometimes feeding the problem as they will repeat the pattern with no change.
Is the unacceptable behaviour on a scale of one to ten that important to correct? Sometimes it is best to simply accept that their childish ways can be live around.
Reflect on why you want the behaviour corrected or changed. Are the reasons valid or are you reacting to what others may think etc?
The more you have a day labelled with corrections and chastisement, the more debilitating it becomes for all. Keep in mind that in this case, the effectiveness of your reactions is very low. This of course makes us further frustrated. Do you know the point where it’s best to stop reacting?
Be selective. If you notice some behaviour that is unacceptable, choose the best time to talk to your child and deal with the matter. Often quick responses in busy settings like shopping centres are ineffective. You want your child listening and available in conversation to get the best results.
If your child is having an off day or simply not well, be sensitive to dealing with the problems. Try to be proactive and provide a climate that gives you and the child a softer landing.
When is a problem really a problem? Keep this in mind when you see behaviour in which you have an immediate reaction. Sometimes the problem can resolve itself without your intervention. Keep this in mind.
Try to not react straightway, because after a small reflection you may see the situation differently or with less intensity. This makes for a softer resolution for all. Timing is everything.
Keep in mind that they are childhood behaviours, sometimes driven with intent, sometimes carelessly done and sometimes without thinking. Try to ascertain the intent and this may help you to see that the problem is actually less important to manage.
Your journey as a parent on many levels seems very long, but upon later reflection, you will wonder where the years went. The overall impression for the child as an adult is that you were fair and loving, a great listener, negotiator and a sympathetic parent. Best to work on developing that impression than one of being focussed on suppressing behaviour.
‘Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction at all.’
-PinArt
The proactive approach for our children is the right way to go
Best to always avoid tricky situations than to dive into them unprepared. The consequences can be long, overcomplicated and perhaps could have been avoided with some proactive actions. As busy parents, who wants to deal with extra problems and find themselves in more complicated situations than is necessary? Being proactive requires some thought to foresee what is likely to happen and where possible go around the problem or divert the situation. When you know your child and how they respond to certain situations you are in the best position to be proactive.
Being proactive also has many benefits in building stronger, healthier relationships with your child.
By avoiding the little problems, you are less likely to have to deal with issues escalating to a new level. One problem can easily triple in a short time.
Better parenting is all about planning well and recognising the signs that can change a happy situation into a disaster in a flash.
It is healthier to be in a positive state with your child than to be regularly dealing with behavioural issues that can require discipline etc. In the first instance, they could have been avoided.
To be proactive, a parent looks for the best way to deal with some issue before it actually happens. This requires knowing your child and choosing occasions and times that work best for you. It may mean redirecting plans, reducing hostile conversations, noticing less trouble and generally looking for the positive in situations.
Be alert. Tired parents and children are not a good combination for avoiding conflict.
Put some family strategies in place that are proactive. For example, if your child is always running to find their bag for school, get them to put it near the door the night before. It is all about seeing a potential occasion where it can escalate making everyone unhappy.
Affirming your child is also a very proactive activity. The more they feel valued in doing the right thing, the greater possibility out will be repeated.
Be clear in your directions and make sure that your child heard your instructions before reacting. Sometimes busy times with poor listening can quickly escalate into problems when real listening has not occurred.
Look at the setup of your home. Are there places around the house that encourage sound relationships or are there obstacles that can cause tension such as computers in family spaces? For example, are bikes, toys etc. put in safe places that are accessible but not interfering with movement? Take a walk around the house, are there places and spaces that can be improved where a child will not break precious items, etc. The environment in the house should suit the age of your family.
Speak optimistically. This always suggests that there is no threat in your voice and that you are in no way upset. A child listens to their parents’ voices to get a measure of how they are valued. They are more likely to respond well and less reactive if feeling reassured.
Above all recognise that being a proactive person reduces tension, avoids unnecessary confrontation, builds stronger relationships and models to a child that working in a positive framework is a much more powerful and effective way of living happily and peacefully.
‘Being positive won’t guarantee you’ll succeed.
But being negative will guarantee you won’t.
-Jon Gordon
What do we accept and what do others accept?
I am sure that if I asked you, were you a tolerant and understanding parent, I am sure after reflection you would say, Yes. What may surprise you is that every family is different in terms of what they tolerate and what they believe is acceptable behaviour. What our children experience when they visit other homes, especially their friends are a whole set of different expectations and understandings. This is quite a learning curve for children and sometimes they will reflect on what they see and learn and not talk much about it at home. The difference at times can be quite overwhelming.
It is natural that children compare how different families operate and they are particularly curious about the degree of tolerance and freedom shown in other homes. They will compare and be interested in how their home experiences differ from other families. This is a time when they are reflecting on how happy they are in their family compared to other family situations. This is a normal part of growing up and learning about how people operate and perceive what is important in their life.
Here are a few tips on managing these interesting times when your children enter other people’s lives.
Firstly, be sure about what you value as a family. As a unit, you have a certain way of operating and you have faith in your ability to manage family situations.
Children may walk into homes that seem to have more liberty. This to a child is very exciting. They will challenge you about certain liberties that they are not given. Be sure of your answers and remain consistent and be clear about the values and patterns you keep as a family.
Be open to inviting your child’s friends into your home. However, once visiting, they are subject to your rules with little compromise. It is important here to show your children that how you operate is valued by all.
Talk about the fact that they will enter homes that perhaps have different rules and some may be looser than yours. Stress to your child that you trust their judgement at all times. Unless the environment is deemed unsafe, remember that children need to be exposed to different family settings.
Certainly, be open to change. If a child proposes some change that they have seen in other homes, have a discussion about whether you are prepared to introduce change, but keep in mind, this should happen through negotiation and discussion. Never lose sight of what is important to you but be open to listening which shows the child that you are a listener and respect their thoughts.
Sometimes a child will see different ways in which parents deal with matters such as poor behaviours etc. These differences can be quite a surprise or even a shock to your child. When your child begins to visit other homes, keep conversations at your home open about how families are all different and have different ways of operating. The more you seem open to discussing the differences your child has seen, the more they will talk about the experiences they have had in different homes. Here we are leaving the door open for discussion about what a child may see as different.
This article is all about gradually inviting your child to see how difference occurs in families. It is not saying that your family has only the right way to follow, but it does stress that as a family you have a right and a style that best suits you. You choose to live by this code, but will from time to time reflect on suggestions based on their suitability for your ever-growing family structure.
‘Children understand and remember concepts best when they learn from direct experience.’
- Joseph Cornell
Take care with words
We often hear that sticks and stones can break your bones but names can never hurt you. I wonder!
Children are very easily affected by words and negative words will often be the bread and butter of feeling bullied and less secure. Words that are used in haste by parents can also cause distress in children who are frequently seeking and needing your approval. Words that are damaging to a child can be hidden in sentences such as:
“What a silly thing to do.”
You may not have said directly that your child was silly but that is the word that sticks and to the child that is the accusation.
How about when we say:
“That’s a dumb thing to do,” in effect the child thinks that they are dumb.
Teachers are always watching their language to ensure that a child does not misinterpret their words. Once a child feels vulnerable as words have been used that intimidate them, the relationship is damaged. Often teachers quickly recognise that their language was damaging and so go into immediate mode to rectify the problem. Teachers will train themselves to avoid careless words.
Parents naturally speak with much incidental talk around and with their child. Little ears pick it all up and careless words can easily creep into conversations especially when we are disappointed.
“Watch out for the cord on the floor. It would be a silly thing to fall over it.”
Try saying:
“Watch out for the cord on the floor. It is dangerous.”
Avoiding the obvious damaging words is the safest route. Words such as “dumb, silly ridiculous, crazy, mad, etc”. Words that can have connotations that imply the child is incompetent can be damaging.
When working with children I tried to introduce some affirming words. For example:
“Thanks for closing the door quietly as it is an awful sound when it slams.”
It is amazing how the simple affirming positives can take away the edge in conversation. Such positives invite conversations that are not threatening.
Keep in mind the following thoughts:
Better conversation means the relationship is on a healthy path. There is more honesty when a child feels less threatened by negative words.
The use of negative words can mean that the child will shut down from the conversation.
If there is a pattern of using negative words when something goes wrong, will your child approach you?
When very upset allow some time to pass before bringing up the matter. Silence can be golden. It can reduce anger and ensure less damaging conversations will follow.
Finally, think about the times when negative words have been used on yourself. I am sure you will recognise that feeling of loss and frustration. Did the feeling change your opinion of the person speaking the words? How did you respond after the words were used?
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can be everlasting.”
All things Covid19 - resource list.
Covid19 and the various levels of lockdown have been extremely stressful for parents, to say the least. How do we explain this situation to our children when we’re feeling immense levels of stress ourselves?
Here’s a recourse list to help explain all things Covid19 to our children.
What to say when tricky questions are asked about Coronavirus
How to stop the worry with issues like coronavirus.
Isolation and being at a distance - what does that mean?
Another lockdown and more home schooling. How important is it?
So, we are back working on line from home.
Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.
A few tips on helping with home schooling
8 quick tips to keep the mood positive in these tricky times
“Lockdown again,” I hear you say.
Crazy creative ideas for long stays at home.
Getting back to routine after lockdown
Back to school and living the new norm
Everyone is concerned about their child’s education in lockdown
On we go with lockdowns
Whilst I have written several times on this matter, it occurs to me that there is no problem in repeating how and what to do to help our children’s mental health during this period. Everything keeps shifting. As each week comes around, there is an evolution of new thoughts and discussions on how and what is best practice in managing the situation. This everchanging pattern leaves us very unsettled and searching for the truth.
In the longer term, we cannot understand or contemplate how our children will interpret this tumultuous period in their life. What we can do as parents though, is provide a secure climate at home, that keeps the positive alive and a sense of hope, a source of regular discussion.
Children need to feel secure and as parents, we are the source to make this provision. Our hope is that in the longer term, they remember us as parents who kept up with accurate information. They also want us to be honest. However, in the same vein, to give us hope, so that they have something to look forward to and to set a goal in these troubling times. Setting goals is aspiring to feeling and being better.
‘If I finish my on-line work, I will ride my bike with mum and dad in the park for two hours.’
In the longer term, we cannot understand or contemplate how our children will interpret this tumultuous period in their life.
This is most important that they trust what we have to say and look to us for further ongoing current, accurate information and guidance. It is our responsibility to keep them abreast with the changing situations, age-appropriate of course.
Take care not to talk the negative talk in front of them. They pick up on what is said and if it is unsettling, they may harbour that thought, without seeking accurate information. Children in my experience, do not approach adults who seem agitated or unsettled about their facts and feelings. They always gravitate around the stable influence in their life.
Through the internet, talking to friends, news items etc. information, correct or otherwise is everywhere. You are the main source of truth for your child. It is imperative that they want to seek you out when they have questions that make them unsettled. They will go to you if they see you as someone who will not falsify information, put them down or polish the truth. If you are a calm and stable person, that listens with very little reaction to the questions, then they know you are reliable and can be trusted.
Children are living their own journey with this pandemic and so they deserve the truth and the ability to build their knowledge base as time progresses. For example, we are now talking about the percentage of vaccines that are taken up as being significant to when and where we can open up our cities. The conversation keeps shifting and so too should the information and conversations we have with our children. Of course, we deliver the information in an age-appropriate way and as frequently as is needed.
I believe it is also important to be clear with your child how your family is responding to the lockdowns etc. For example, talk to them about how you shop, what precautions you take and how far you travel. These practical aspects are still to be understood by the child. The clearer they are about how their family operates under the pandemic, the safer they feel in the presence of their reliable family.
Your family has an immense responsibility during this pandemic of not just keeping your child safe from physical harm, but also from longer-term mental harm. The more secure, predictable and reassuring you are as a parent, the better the mental health for the child in the longer term.
“Family is your most reliable source of support in any situation because love from your family is unconditional.”
Take care with the word we use. Remember sticks and stones can break those bones!
Consider how we speak. How do we use our words? Are we quick to say things off the cuff or are we more precise and careful in how we speak? Our children hear not only what we have to say but how we say it. They quickly pick up the intonation and sense our mood, intent and temper in our conversations. This blog is to invite us to reflect a little more deeply on how we present ourselves to children through our words. Do we want them to see us a controlled person or one who speaks with thought and with judgement in how we speak?
No question about it, children will be attracted to the parent who speaks calmly and is approachable and not so quick to temper. These are parents who choose their words carefully.
Consider the following:
How we speak gives a message to our children about how we approach life. More words are not always better than less, more meaningful words.
We want our children to engage with us over many topics. The more controversial, the less likely they will approach someone who speaks quickly, jumps to conclusions and can be quick to respond with strong opinion. Even using highly articulate words can be intimidating to a young child. By them not understanding the words can more unsettling.
Remember, ‘Words once spoken can never be revoked.’ (Horaci 65-8BC)
The advice here is about realising the power and potential damage if words are used with intent to hurt. By stopping and thinking before speaking we put the relationship at less risk. This gives us time to choose words well.
People who demonstrate action over words are considered wise and rational people. Our children benefit from seeing this model in their parents.
Careless thoughtless words can be very influential in changing relationships for good. Going into damage control is never as effective as simply avoiding such words.
Teachers know the value of speaking well and using it to bring out the best in children. They know that careless talk changes the relationship by diminishing trust and teaching children becomes more difficult. They encourage children to think about what they want to say so that they get the best from the conversation.
As a principal, it was so important to speak with clarity, know my facts and think about the words that I was using so that a child would not misinterpret what I said. By doing this I was in a better situation to have a healthy, productive conversation.
It is such a powerful tool, the use of words. We are gifted with speech but should see it as a force to do good and to build relationships, especially with our children.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
A positive thought
It is just so tricky thinking up creative ways to have fun and engage with the children in lockdown. I was recently thinking of a very successful teacher who had the most wonderful disposition and skill in turning doom and gloom in the classroom into something happy and positive.
No mean feat when you have unsettled children. Perhaps her idea may have some application in your home. Call it a “negative stop buster” to clear the cobwebs and change thinking in a negative way.
Her method of improving attitude was to declare the day a P Day. This meant that the children could only talk positive talk and discuss things that were making them happy. For example:
Today the sun has come out.
I am really looking forward to lunch.
I finished my on-line work. Yeh!!
I will wear this t-shirt. I like all the colours.
I love riding my bike.
I am looking forward to some desert.
Thanks for lending me your pencil.
When we play Lego together I have so much fun.
What this teacher was doing was conditioning the children into seeing the small things in the day as positive. It is quite amazing how it can redirect your mood. In the junior classes, children would record how many times they talked about positive thoughts. It became quite a fun activity.
It was a game, but one in which the children turned their thinking to discovering the positive in simple things. This naturally created positive feelings that can take away the unsettling mood.
Perhaps you could have a “P” hour once a day as a whole day could be just too much to coordinate.
This game is simply a tool in redirecting negative thoughts into positive. You may find it a useful strategy in the home setting during these repeated days of more of the same.
No surprises, this teacher was well loved by the children. Positive people always attract others through their warm and happy disposition.
“A positive mindset brings positive things.”
A child’s strengths - Oh so many!
Do we recognise the unique strengths that your child has brewing within them? We are certainly able to identify some of the obvious strengths. Your child may be good at Maths. They may write well. They may excel at running or some other sport. All of these are clear and visible strengths in which we affirm and easily give our child reassurance. There are also many evolving aspects of your child that need nurturing and encouragement. They can be more subtle and we need to be tuned in, to pick up the signs for these evolving strengths. They are developing strengths in the emotional and social aspects of their life which are critical for your child to become a well-rounded, functioning adult. We often forget to acknowledge these developing strengths and so I will now list some for us to reflect on as parents. The list is not exclusive but hopefully will give some insight into what you are looking for in your child.
Does your child demonstrate from time to time?
Compassion for others.
Unselfishness and is able to share.
A generous spirit and will check to ensure others are included.
Developing empathy to those less abled or in some way hurt or offended.
An ability to share conversation and listen well to others.
Shows patience in difficult situations.
Kindness to those around.
Has an ability to form friends well and easily. Do they sustain friendships?
Is your child inclusive with other children in their friendship groups?
Has a tendency to put others ahead of themselves.
Reflects on activities that happen to them.
Talks positively about others and looks for the best in people.
When they are challenged through school work, friendships etc. do they look to find the positive in the situation and choose not to blame?
Are they able to forgive hurts and move on quickly?
Is sharing a natural part of how they interact with others?
All of these and there are plenty more, are examples of a child’s developing social and emotional maturity. All of these qualities should be strengthened by our tuning into their presence in our child’s life.
‘Well done, I can see how you are a good friend and you gave your share of the sweets to James because he wasn’t feeling well.’
‘I noticed how you included all the children in your class to your birthday party. You are fair to everyone.’
‘When you play basketball, I notice how you are keen to play as a team player and share the ball. Bravo.’
Your progressive affirmations alert the child to the fact that their social and emotional responses are highly valued. This is the foundational time for building an intuitive and emotionally intelligent young adult who will be a well-rounded and productive individual with a great ability to remain mentally healthy.
“Teach your children how to identify their own strengths and challenge them to contribute these strengths to others.”
Dealing with the put downs
Nobody likes being put down. Children especially can begin to see putdowns as something they deserve or an indication that they are not worthy to be given credibility. No matter how we avoid them they often come our way, subtly or more directly.
If a child takes an aggressive response to the put down, the problem can quickly escalate. When the child responds by passively giving in and not responding, they can build resentment and this behaviour does not stop the put downs from coming their way. The best response is for a child to be assertive, expressing themselves in a way that clearly tells the offender that their behaviour was unacceptable. This assertive way of responding does not put the other person down which further shows maturity on the part of the child being put down.
The best way to be assertive is to state it clearly.
“I am upset that you speak that way. I find it offensive.”
“I am disappointed in your words. They are quite hurtful.”
“I don’t like the way you talk to me. It’s quite inappropriate.”
These responses are about informing the offender that their words are offensive. In no way does it seek retribution, but it puts the offender on notice that their words were not to be tolerated.
It is also about looking the offender in the eye, being clear in your speech and showing confidence in the way you calmly rebuff their accusations. This is about developing emotional maturity which helps the child respond in ways that give them a sense of being in control. As the parent you can help your child show assertiveness by the following:
Give the example of being assertive yourself when you feel spoken to or treated poorly.
Teach your child to use the “I” statement. Get them to practise them….
“I am disappointed when…”
“I am unhappy when…”
“I do not like your behaviour when…”
Once the child becomes familiar with using this language, they have a quick and effective way of responding to the person putting them down. The more they use it, the stronger they feel.
Discuss times when you used assertive approaches in your life and how you felt afterwards.
From time to time tap in with them in relation to how they feel about themselves when others speak poorly to them. Sometimes frequent and subtle put downs can build up considerable feelings of being bullied. Ignoring put downs can also encourage the offender to keep on with the attack.
In a classroom, it is common practice that teachers will role model how to be assertive and encourage children to use language that works. Whilst still taking responsibility when they see a child bullying another, they will still teach the offended child to be assertive to prevent future attacks and to recognise when words used are unacceptable.
The teacher will also instruct the child using an “I” statement to state clearly the reasons for the upset.
“I am angry when you laugh at my new glasses.”
“I feel very upset when you laugh at my stutter.”
Teachers will also encourage children to recognise when a put down is unacceptable. Accepting and tolerating put downs requires a maturity to determine the intent.
However, should put downs become unmanageable then adult intervention should take place. Take care to know when this is necessary as prolonged and unmanaged putdowns can turn into severe bullying.
Finally, you the parent through your own experiences can model when a put down is not acceptable. Your understanding of your child’s sensitivity and emotional maturity should give you the guidance to teach them how to be assertive and in control at any age.
“Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”