Feeling overwhelmed? It can happen to our children.

As the child grows from infancy to early childhood to adolescence, they are developing their ability to process information. This is a slow and steady progress and one which enables a child to understand and interpret the world they live in. To some degree, we simply take it for granted that our child understands and interprets the world and its surroundings the way we do. Not so!

This is where we can sometimes fall short of understanding where our child is at. They are processing at a different pace to us and will interpret situations based on what they see and understand. It is well understood that if a child is on the spectrum, they can easily be overcome by too much stimulus and the best way forward is to slow down what you put in front of your child. This actually applies to all our children. Do we expect too much of them when they are still absorbing and processing all sorts of information? It can easily be an overload.

Teachers are very skilled in planning their teaching to accommodate what the child is capable of interpreting and they set their expectations understanding that each child is on a learning continuum that continually shifts. An overstimulated and noisy room can be a deterrent to some children’s learning. Overtalking and presenting too many things at once can confuse and make a child feel vulnerable.

Think about your child and their ability to process what you say and how you ask them to do. The more we understand and reflect on their ability to process information, the better we communicate with them. We then begin to set realistic goals and enjoy the fruits of their labour.

Consider the following:

• The younger the child, the slower the processing and therefore it is important to only introduce new concepts one at a time. A child will listen and respond well if they are understanding the simple uncomplicated instructions.

                   For example,

‘Can you please pick up your toys’

‘Can you please pick up your toys, put the box in the corner and then help me set the table?’

Too complicated makes it too hard to follow the directions and so the child is lost in the maze of instructions.

• Get acquainted with how your child processes and choose the best times to give instructions.

• When reading stories together, talk about the sequence of events in the story. This helps develop their sense of processing information.

• Of course, the older the child, the more we expect them to process bigger slabs of information. This will vary from child to child and it can be a source of anxiety if the child is not keeping up with class expectations. If so, talk to the teacher about this matter.

• When a child feels overwhelmed by too much information, they simply shut down as a defence. When this happens, slowly unravel the details to make it more understandable to the child. Can you make things simpler so that the child comprehends the situation?

• Some children simply process at a slower pace than other children. There is nothing wrong with this as they often are children who want be accurate and get things right.

• When a child feels overwhelmed by too many instructions etc they can lose their confidence and feel a failure. We need to reassure our child that the pace of processing is irrelevant. We need to listen and take in some information slowly. Working at an almighty pace is not the goal to success. We live in an overstimulated world driven by speedy technology which seems to suggest faster is better.

• Understand that from time to time your child will feel overwhelmed. Help them by breaking down what is troubling them so that they can find a simple way of working through the issue.

Finally teaching your child to take things a little slower and smell the roses is not an easy lesson in today’s world. However, if you demonstrate how being more relaxed and less overwhelmed gives you a sense of personal satisfaction, it helps immensely.

‘When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, its our job to share our calm, not to join them.’

                                                                            -L.R.Knost.

Personality: We need to nurture its development

When, as adults we look back on our childhood (or even our own children who are now adults), do we recognise the child in them or within ourselves? Do we reflect on those developing personalities over the years? Do you see many changes in the personalities in your own children over the years?

There are many varied beliefs and studies about personalities and still the research goes on about what constitutes personality and how they influence our behaviour and performance as a person. What we do know for certain is that as parents we have a responsibility to nurture our child’s personality and allow them to express themselves and learn about who they really are. Developing a strong sense of self awareness is what it is all about. If we attempt to stifle them and change certain traits in their personality, we will undoubtedly do them a misjustice. Of course, from time to time we seek to change certain behaviours that are unacceptable. This is different from influencing their personality. Take care to know the difference as we can be easily unsettled by unattractive behaviour.

Teachers are very aware that enhancing and affirming a child’s personality in the classroom will give them a creative opportunity to learn about themselves. A child may learn that some of their personality traits work well with people and some aspects may not. It is all about trial and error in discovering and liking themselves. It is also about developing self-awareness and accepting who they are.

 Consider:

• When you see those quirky and delightful aspects of your child’s personality coming out, affirm them, highlight those moments and show them that they are being quite the little individual.

• Talk to your child’s teacher about how your child expresses themselves in the classroom. Often how a child acts in a classroom is quite different than home.

• Give your child opportunities to express themselves and talk and act in ways that make them feel complete. Sometimes adult conversations can dominate and control the room space making it difficult for children to have their voice. Give them space to be themselves.

• The friends your child chooses often reflect their personalities. Accept and be inclusive with all their friends as over time your child will be discerning with friendships. They do not need our instructions on who to associate with. They will learn over time the ins and outs of relationships and who best fits into their circle of friends.

• Be an opportunist when you see your child expressing quirky aspects of their personality embrace the moment and applaud their style. Don’t be intimidated by differences that you notice in your child.

• As a family watching movies together is a great occasion to talk about the characters and personality traits that you admired in the characters. This is a way of reinforcing what you value without imposing your beliefs.

• We often hear parents boasting that their child is so similar to them in how they operate. Perhaps this is true as the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. However, every child has a different twist in the way they see and interpret the world. Each generation is presented with challenges and opportunities that stimulate their thinking in different ways. No one person is a replica of another. Look for and celebrate the differences you see in your children. Allow them to be themselves with their own personality traits driving their directions in life. Some aspects of that personality will be challenging for them and other aspects will give them great joy and satisfaction. Only through learning and exposure to life will they understand their personality as an important tool in how happily they live their life.

          ‘The most important thing you wear is your personality.’

- America Ferrera

How to deal with trauma such as the recent school shooting in the USA.

No easy answer here. We are confronted by what recently happened in Texas with the mass killing of young children in a school. It is almost impossible to get our heads around this atrocity and as parents, we shudder with the reminder that a parent’s grief for their lost child would be immeasurable.

Who can make sense of such an act and how do we explain this to our children?

There is no escaping that it did happen and that it was publicly displayed in many forms of media. Therefore, at some point your child will most likely have learnt about it from others. Given that second hand information can be quite dangerous, it makes sense to have your own discussions with your child about the incident. In this way you have a better grasp of what your child knows, understands and how they have interpreted the situation.

 Consider:

• Talk to your child in a quiet and safe place about the incident. Truth is the best but of course you tailor what you say to suit the age of your child.

• Children need hope and look for it. Talk about the care that the children in the school will receive and how everyone will be looking after their wellbeing. Remind them that in the midst of that horror there were many people trying to do the right thing.

• Understanding such violence and the death of children is hard for a child and so simply mention that sometimes people’s behaviour can be out of control and this can lead to devastating consequences. That is the truth and that is sadly what we need to explain carefully to our children. The world is not a perfect place but a child looks for the good and the hope so build that into your conversations at all times.

• Reassure your child of all the safety that is surrounding your child and the care that is taken to make them safe both at school and home. In fact, list all the safety and care aspects built into their life. Younger children may enjoy drawing them as a way of talking about feeling safe.

• If your child is still feeling unsafe, mention this to your teacher who will follow through in the school setting. Every school will have strategies in how to talk to the children should it be necessary.

• Sadly, the conversations of guns may come up, particularly with older children. Here there is much reassurance to be given about our gun laws and how Australia strategically deals with these issues.

• After initial discussion with your child, take care that they are not watching too much news about the incident, as this prolongs feelings of anxiety and builds up further unsettling thoughts.

• Check in with your child to see if they are still reflecting on the incident and if they are moving on with their thoughts about it.

• Try to avoid adult conversations around them that talk about the incident. Little ears will be picking up on your feelings of distress about the incident.

The trauma that occurred will live in the hearts of Americans for a long time. Teaching our children about the strong safety net we have in Australia, gives them reassurance and settles down some anxiety about it happening to them. Overtime, as they feel happier and focus less on the trauma, feelings about the incident will fade away. Your role is to nurture well, giving them feelings of security and above all happiness. This conquers lingering feelings of doubt and insecurity through childhood.

‘We believe that the ultimate treasures on earth and in heaven are our children.’

                                                -Elder Dalli H Oaks

Enjoy the present - it’s here for you now to enjoy

Did you realize that it is actually a skill to learn how to enjoy the present? Sometimes our focus is often on the past or busy planning for what next in the future. Far too often we use the present to simply prepare for the future without acknowledging the very real presence of the now. Think of how photos slow us down. We stop for a minute and reflect on that powerful image. It was a moment in time that we hold dear.

Teachers have learned the art of capturing the moment with children. Often when something special happens, a teacher will stop the class and together all children will reflect on what it is that drew their attention. This is a way of capturing memorable moments. I remember one teacher who kept a diary of those moments and at the end of the school year the children turned it into a book retelling the special moments that built up the charisma of the class.

Children that love school look forward often to the surprise highlights of the day which make for happy moments and collective joy. Teachers know that such a classroom environment where elements of the day are surprisingly highlighted, will excite children who are alive with interest.

If we notice that what we have now is giving us happiness we are more inclined to weather the unsavoury small stuff that can easily interfere with the day, lowering our mood and temperament. Did you wake up this morning and hear birds singing? Was the sun shining? Did your child give you a hug? Did you enjoy breakfast? These incidences are the small but influential stuff that can give us joy along the way.

I believe that if we highlight around our children the joy of noticing and feeling positive about the moment, it will have a positive effect on how our children monitor and identify their day. This is all about developing a healthy habit of living positively in the present.

Consider how such a disposition can be helpful in the development of emotional maturity and the mental health of your child:

• If your child looks to see what is good and happy around them, will they not feel better in themselves?

• Children who are by nature happy attract other children who like to feel happy.

• Good mental health has a strong base in feeling good and in not letting incidences get you down. With a stronger capacity to see and want the happy moments, a child is drawn less to feeling sad and unhappy.

• Children who are conditioned into looking to the positive and happy opportunities of the day are less likely to be drawn into the darker side of unattractive social media etc.

• There is so much to learn from the moments of now. If your child is geared to searching for those moments, they will have less interest in the underbelly of trouble which can easily find its way into the daylight.

• This is all about choosing an attitude where life has much to offer and I want to actively engage in those activities that are life-giving. Just as you are probably involved in a sport that gives such life joy think about simple opportunities throughout the day that give a positive vibe to life. Go for a walk with your child, cycle together, play games draw together etc.

We all see how playing sport as a child is about enjoying the moment, feeling the exhilaration of what it is that you are doing with the ball etc. If we can transfer some of that happy feeling into moments of the day, we have come a long way in understanding the life-giving habit of celebrating the moment.

A child needs to grow a strong belief in themselves

How difficult is it for any of us to feel confident, have a go, put ourselves forward etc. without having a strong belief in ourselves? Do we take initiative if low in self-confidence? How about the time we avoid situations or people because we just haven’t the confidence to be part of a group or offer opinions? So much of engaging in the world is lost to us if we lack a strong belief in ourselves. We tend to avoid, omit, regress and simply lay silent.

Our children need to be steadily building a strong belief in themselves. They will put themselves forward and receive some knockdowns but climbing the ladder of being strongly connected to the world will come with mounting strong self-belief.

The following thoughts give us guidance into how we help build a strong foundation in our children in self-belief.

• If a child lacks self-confidence their learning can be affected as they are not disclosing what they need to know. Reminding our children to ask questions, be inquisitive is a right and a responsibility in learning.

• Having a strong positive self-image presents to others as a confident person. It is important as parents that we talk about all the positive aspects you notice in your child especially with regard to attitudes and values. They need to hear it loud and clear that they are worthwhile people with much to offer.

• When we are successful, it often has a boost with our self-esteem. Ensure that your child has plenty of opportunities to be successful. Teachers work off the philosophy that a child will be successful if they feel good about themselves. No surprises that in a classroom each day, teachers set up scenarios where children are successful in some form.

• Think about the little successes your child makes at home. They could be as small as showing courtesy to others, working hard to keep their room tidy etc. Simply affirm the success. Remember success begets more success

                ‘What a hero you are. The room is tidy and now we can read a story’.

• The more self-esteem builds, the more engaged the child will be in all that is around them. There is nothing more concerning than a disengaged child. Their world shrinks and their interests become more solo such as excessive use of games, television, social media etc. The more outward thinking the child, the greater propensity for building a strong self-image.

• Take care that when you correct your child due to some disappointments etc, you use language that is not harmful and will not attack the child’s self-confidence. Be disappointed with the deed but still love the child. Check that there are not too many negative conversations in a row as such patterns start to build a negative feeling of self-worth and everything can easily spiral downwards.

• Make broad sweeping announcements in front of others about how pleased you are with your child’s successes. (Everything within reason of course) There is a wonderful feeling that comes from hearing publicly how pleased your parents are with you.

As parents we are daily building foundational tools for our children. The words we use, the actions we display and the frequent appreciation of our children that we show, all build the framework for developing a well-rounded individual with a strong sense of self belief.

                   ‘As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.’

                                      -Johanne Wolfgang Von Goethe

Always keep the bright side of situations as your focus

How quickly we fall into disrepair here when it comes to looking at the sunny side of life. Some of us are wired to see the negative and focus on the disadvantages of situations. Negative information can attract us a lot quicker than positive information. We seem to be drawn to details that make us unhappy and anxious. There is some belief that being drawn to the negative was a safety mechanism for survival thousands of years ago when early man was all about simply surviving.

Nowadays we do not need those cues and our modern world can easily play havoc with our anxious moments and negative impacts. Social media is a perfect example of how we can become anxious and feel negative.

Consider the following to help you as a parent modify some of those negative responses:

• Parenting come with a sense of being cautious and protecting your child. That is why we sometimes become more negative and question decisions etc. for the sake of the child. Try to decipher in your mind how valid are your fears when reflecting on what is best for your child. Keep in mind that your child will grow when exposed to challenges and try to look for the best in those challenges.

• Your parenting is at its best when you are just doing your best under what circumstances are in front of you. Trying to be the perfect parent comes with a lot of stress and negative feelings of not being good enough. Remember the best style of parenting is when you are happy and accept that your efforts are good enough. Parenting will shift according to your human condition at the time such as tiredness, fatigue, work overload, etc.

• Try to recognise how quickly you resort to negative thoughts when dealing with your parenting. Are you able to shift mental gears and see the positive side of what your child is asking. The more you understand about your reactions, the more you will let some sunshine into your decisions.

• Remember that it takes practice to change the way you process your thoughts. Your first reaction as a parent is to protect, but look beyond this to see how your parenting can be more about listening and negotiating with your child. Bring in the positive thoughts in your discussions and try to see where you child is coming from with their ideas and demands.

Finally, learn more about yourself when you react to situations. If you learn that you are quick to be negative, try to slow it down and see the light in what your child is saying or doing. Be less afraid of taking a risk and letting in some positive thoughts.

                             ‘If you have good thoughts

                             They will shine out of your face like Sunbeams

                             And you will always look lovely.’

-The Twits. Roald Dahl

Being credible is such an important part in parenting

We build our relationships into healthy vibrant relationships when we have built up trust amongst others. It is as simple and as complicated as that.  Children have a natural disposition to trust their parents, which puts you in a very precious and precarious position if at any time that trust breaks down. Younger children trust implicitly, but as the child grows older and they question and probe how we think and challenge our beliefs etc, this is where trust comes into play so importantly.

Teachers are always in the firing line with children if they are not credible and as such their ability to teach is limited. Credibility builds trust and a teacher is in a wonderful situation to teach when they have the trust of their students.

Parents start off with automatic credibility with their child. As they mature and start to question, they will of course challenge you but still expect you to be credible holding all your values true to yourself.

Consider the following ideas that remind us of our credible role in your child’s life:

• Your relationship with your child will remain intact if to them you are seen as a credible and consistent person. It will not only remain intact but it will grow existentially.

• Your child relies on your credibility to gain verification for many aspects of life. What you tell them and how you express your beliefs is an important model to your child when they start making choices on their own.

• A child will be more interested in checking in with you as they grow older if they find you to be credible. There is so much constant change in their world. Sometimes just coming home to what they see as true and credible can be the best option. Especially in times of confusion.

• Given your credibility with your child there is less worry and more reassurance from the trust you give and take from your child. Anxiety can easily spread when doubt comes into play.

• Being credible does not mean that you cannot be flexible, vary your ideas or even head in alternative directions. That thread of credibility is all about being true to yourself and to others being authentic and human at the same time.

• There is nothing more comforting and reassuring than connecting to a credible person. In the fast-moving world that is ever changing for your developing child, how satisfying to feel that you their parents can be trustworthy and reliable when so much around them is shifting directions. You remain the axis upon which they gravitate.

By nature of being a parent you are invited to present such fine qualities as credibility and trust to your child. Never underestimate that such an opportunity is also all about developing yourself as a fully rounded, emotionally intelligent person. Like it or not parenting forces us to grow up!

‘To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.’

                                                                             -George MacDonald

Teach our children to be courteous

Sounds like it would be just a natural process of learning for a child. Perhaps something you pick up along the way. However, we live in a world where so much is instant gratification and things must happen fast. This comes at a cost of how people treat each other and at times common courtesy is one of the first virtues that can go out the window and be sacrificed for supposedly better outcomes.

A classroom is an environment where courtesy is presented as a valued gift and one that should be present throughout the school day. In fact it is mandatory. If a child does not show courtesy to other students, such behaviour is seen as negative and will be challenged. When working with children I was always aware that if I did not show the child respect and speak to them with courtesy and sincerity, I would fail to build their trust and further conversations would be damaged.

Your child will learn courtesy from you, especially when they see how you treat others and you use language and behaviour that is positive and not destructive towards others. They watch and observe and in their own way make judgements about how you, the parent dealt with certain people. It is amazing how little minds watch and observe and learn quickly all about the human condition. It should become a healthy habit to simply be a courteous person even when situations challenge us.

Thomas Fuller once said, “all doors open to courtesy”. Let’s consider how using courtesy as a child will improve their life.

• Children that are courteous stand out from a crowd. They are more often chosen or spoken to with respect due to their reliability and noticeability.

• When a child shows courtesy to others, they are reflecting on that other person and putting them in a safe space. Everyone feels comfortable when people are courteous to them.

• A child who uses courtesy is learning to value the other person. It is much easier for them to think positively of people as their first thoughts are not negative.

• Children who learn to use courtesy as a tool of communication can easily slip into effective language, where they listen and affirm others well. This well developed language gives them a higher order level of emotional maturity.

• If you are courteous, people are attracted to you and gravitate around you more given that they feel welcomed. This is important for a child to feel that others like their company. A child can feel very isolated from others if they do not have such good skills of communication.

• Children need to learn the art of courtesy and this is where your example comes into play. It is also worth taking to them about how a person is valued and should be treated with dignity and courtesy no matter how complicated that person can be.

Finally, there is a silent, steady power present in being courteous. You are stronger by nature of your courteous style. By treating someone with dignity no matter how different your thoughts are, there is little with which to argue. After all, they see how you accept them as legitimate. You accept their right to have a voice.

‘Your children will become what you are.

So be what you want them to be.’

-Love hope dream

The value you have to your child

So often as a busy parent we forget about the value we have to our children. We appreciate that we are important and that we hold great responsibility and balance of power in taking care of our child. I wonder how often we think about the value we give to our child.

          Dr Seuss said

“To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.”

Our busy lives strip away the sentimentality and time for reflection on such matters. However, stop for a minute and think:

• You make such a powerful impact on the developing life of your child. This then reminds us to take care on how we model ourselves and what messages we give to our children.

• The things you value will be initially valued by your child. After some time, they become more scrutinising but are greatly influenced by what you value in your life. For example, if you value being neat and tidy this will be a strong message to your child about how to live.

• Your well being is so important if you are to be a parent of much influence with your child. A healthy happy disposition shows your child that personal care is taken seriously by you and strongly valued.

• If you are so heavily valued by your child, remember that being authentic is showing your child that you are human and make mistakes, recognise difficulties, celebrate good times and do the best you can. When we aim to be perfect it usually goes pear-shaped and this gives a confusing message to our appreciative child.

• A helpful way of looking at it is to imagine your child grown up. What do you think they will think of you? Will they have a very distinctive way of looking back or will it be a mixed memory of how your acted and treated them. Think of your own parents and that journey. By focussing on this thought you realise that we carry images of ourselves into the future and you want them to be memorably happy moments. After all, you were for many years their heroes. They valued what you had to offer them.

• In working with children one of the clearest messages I received from children was how they knew their parents. To them, they were an important anchor and bearer of truth. Your word was taken seriously even though some behaviour may have suggested others. This almost spiritual value that you hold as a parent is quite sacred and such a precious parental gift you have been given. Use it wisely so that your child will carry forward all the lessons taught and learnt. They will discard some but they will value many as an adult and especially as they begin to parent themselves. Where else will they get their examples from?

          ‘Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.’

                                                                -W.E.B DuBois

Are you planning everything around your children?

The answer could simply be yes as our children have busy, demanding schedules with school, outside sports activities and friendship demands. Of course, we feel the expanding pressure of always being available and ensuring that their outside school needs are met by us. There is a common belief that providing a full complement of activities outside the school will be satisfying for the children and will demonstrate how effective I am as a parent in ensuring that my child is offered all that is available.

 Beware. This can be a trap where as parents we want only to have our children fulfilled and active throughout the day. Whatever happened to simply just being as a family and not setting busy expectations for everyone. Downtime with the family is a vital time to replenish the family spirit, refresh relationships and simply enjoy each other’s company. There is a lot to be learnt from each other and of course, this will come with sibling tensions, disappointments, misunderstandings etc. However, what a time this is to learn more about tolerance and differences with each other.

 A family is by nature a medley of people who are stretching and growing in a space that is built around trust, love and companionship. With every stretch will come a strain and a new challenge in how the family operates as a whole. When teachers set up their classrooms they are every conscious to provide special times where the students simply learn about each other and grow from what they learn. Teachers realise that the best learning comes from exploring each other through exposing them to challenges and opportunities. Accepting each other’s differences is a big part of growing as a team.

Consider the following thoughts on why relaxing more as a family with less constraints feeds the soul of the family:

• Unstructured family time can lead to the children exercising their own imagination in what to do.

• Don’t be afraid about doing nothing. It’s amazing how emptiness can quickly fill when children are involved.

• By providing some quiet family time that is unstructured you are telling your children that it is legitimate and mentally healthy to simply be as a family without set agendas. The unchartered waters of unstructured family time can mean many things to different members of the family.

• Provide a climate where children can visually see the possibilities of playing board games, reading, scrabble etc. Let them be the ones to choose how best to fill that family space. A home that is inviting to children is one that gives them opportunities to create and is easily accessible in many ways without obsessive controls.

• Most busy families set priorities for the day. This enables routine and daily planning to run smoothly. This is all about being productive which can lead to feeling overwhelmed. Start thinking that a priority across the week is to simply plan for relaxed, unstructured family time where an element of peace is the goal. Sometimes late on a Sunday may be the best time. Build it in with as much authority as other major activities for the week. Let your children know that it has a significant role in the plan of the week and has substance.

Talk about this family time as important to you to simply have a presence with your children. In today's world there is instant gratification and immediate response as a sign of the times. It needs to be taught to your children that simply just hanging out together with no agenda or planned expectations is healthy and valued.

                                    ‘In every conceivable manner,

                                     The family is the link to our past,

                                      The Bridge to our future.’

                                                                                     -YourTango

The delight and significance of reading to your child.

There is something almost spiritual when you are curled up reading to your child in the comfort and silence of their room. The charm and the sense of connectedness touch new heights in relationship and deepens the warmth and tenderness of the occasion. This is a time when a story carries you and your child into a new magical space. You share that space together and it is a happy memorable occasion filled with mystery, hope and wonder. Mindfulness would tell us that it is all about the moment. What a charmed moment to share and savour together.

 Let us reflect on what are some of the advantages of reading to your child.

• It’s a shared experience. How many of those occasions do you get in a busy day with your child?

• Stories are built around a hope-filled message and together you get a chance to talk about all the life messages that are present in a story.

• It is also a time to reinforce your values when you read stories that illustrate important concepts to you. This is not about being manipulative but rather affirming some of the messages that appear throughout the book.

• This is a wonderful time for your child to talk about their feelings, fears, concerns etc. that may appear in some form in the story. Listen carefully as you will learn much from their interpretation of the story.

• Reading a story to your child is a chance to feel free and capture the joy of the writing and the wonderful images that are present in children’s books.  You too can rekindle the joy of children’s books for yourself which you may have long forgotten. It is not a duty to read to your child, it is a privileged moment, a time to rekindle your childhood. It’s about bringing back the magic.

• Absorbing yourself in the literature with your child transcends both of you into the same magical space. How often does that happen when every day as an adult we deal with our own realities.

• Reading all the positive outcomes of stories reminds us that happiness is worth pursuing. We live in a world where negativism can quickly rise to the surface, striking at the very heart of feeling happy. Reading children’s literature is full of joy and hope. We need a good dose of hope from time to time.

CS Lewis once said, ‘someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.”

What a wonderful opportunity to be immersed in fairy tales with your child. Long may the imagination in story live.

‘The journey of a life time starts with the turning of a page.’

Rachel Auders

Give your child occasions to make choices

There are many times across a day when you need to make choices. Some may seem automatic such as getting up in the morning to more complex decisions such as buying your house, car etc.

Children need occasions to make choices and grow to understand that in making choices we live with the consequences. Decision making can be taught as much as learnt on the run. For our children, teaching them that making their own decisions comes with the joy of owning the outcome and also learning from the outcome.

As parents, especially when our children are more dependent on us, we tend to make decisions for them so that they are safe and do not experience too much discomfort. But beware too much reliance on parents to make decisions for the child leads to too much dependency and delayed development emotionally and often socially. Never underestimate how your child can make sound choices for themselves. At an early age, the child needs to see that you trust them in making their own decisions.

You will find that as early as prep, teachers are expecting children to make decisions based on what they know and what has to date been their experience. Teachers may give two choices or widen the horizon as the child grows more mature showing a readiness to make bigger decisions. They will falter, make mistakes and experience loss and disappointment but such feelings will make them stronger and more resilient as time goes on. They will simply learn from experience and this will drive their future thinking and choices.

Consider the following ideas to help build a child’s confidence in making their own decisions as they mature:

• Encourage your child to make up their own mind. When they vacillate between ideas remind them that their final decision is valid, respected by you and is all about ‘Having a go.’ It is not your responsibility to fix their bad decisions. This must be worked through carefully with the child and they must own their responsibility to fixing problems.

• Decision making is all about developing the skill of survival. Teachers will use opportunities to encourage decision making across their school day. It could be as simple as what group the child should join, and what project they will choose. Teachers will also affirm children for showing initiative in making decisions outside their comfort zone. This shows they are seeking and developing independent thought.

• Be an opportunist with your child. There will be times in the day when you can stand back and invite your child to make choices.

                    ‘Which of these recipes will we cook tonight?’

                    ‘What program should we watch that includes everyone?’

• Be a great model in making choices. Talk to your children about life choices you have made and choices that are critical to your life’s happiness.  Explain how such choices have dictated some paths you have taken in life.

• Of course, making choices may from time to time have consequences. Here you need to be sensitive and not override their confidence in making decisions. But of course, they will need to learn from their mistakes.

• A great tool in helping children to make decisions is to have an inquiring mind as a parent. Ask them relevant questions such as:

‘Tell me why that choice is the best?’

‘Will you get many advantages from going in that direction?’

Above all as a parent you are gradually leading them to the light where they become confident, independent individuals who are comfortable making decisions for themselves and living with them.

‘The fact is that kids learn to make good decisions by making decisions not by following directions.’

                                                          -Alfie Kohn

Let’s teach our children to enjoy what they have and not seek out more

This is such a hard lesson when we live in a society that has so much. It is natural to want to give our children the very best of toys and games and of course the latest technological gadget. Fierce competition can exist between children when their peers seem to have the latest and the best.

No easy task for parents who want to teach their children how to enjoy what they have rather than seeking out the next improved item. We all seem to have a strong connection to stuff that we accumulate and of course of which we have sole ownership. Teaching our children to value what they have and to be less anxious about the next item to come along can be a difficult task.

Here are some thoughts to help in this area:

• Demonstrate how you are less possessive with your material things and happy to share with others.

• Perhaps you have prized old toys from your childhood. Talk about its value in travelling with you over the years.

• If you are a conscious recycler, it is wonderful to teach your children all about how waste items in the house are recycled. This is a great teaching tool about why we recycle plastics etc.

• From time to time, you may have clean outs in your child’s wardrobe. Talk about how they can be handed done to other children or sent to second hand shops to be reused. Hear it is all about developing in the child a desire to put new life into old items.

• When sorting toys, especially with younger children, talk about how much enjoyment the child has got from them and ensure your child takes ownership for the care and storage of their toys. Once children value their stuff they are more inclined to want to enjoy them for longer.

• Encouraging your child to play freely and use their imagination is a great way of relying less on toys.

• Suggest that they make their own items of play. This can be a fun way to enjoy the spirit of play without the stimulus of highly stimulating toys.

• We all have heard that having more makes us less interested in what we have, so teaching your child to reinvent their old toys into new forms of play can be a creative activity.

• Giving children exposure to the great outdoors and can be as simple as the backyard is opening up new avenues of play. Why not encourage toys to be taken into the garden, relocated into the bathroom when old or simply rearranged to create a new look for the toys. It’s all about being creative and teaching how material goods can take on new meaning.

• Your home is a perfect space to be showing the children how you manage the stuff that comes into your life. Your example when it comes to managing goods, collecting items etc., will have a strong influence on their developing perception of material goods. Especially how they are to be understood and managed.

• The curriculum in most schools does cover recycling, major environmental impacts etc. Your child will learn about environmental sustainability which will support and complement how you manage such matters in the home.

Finally, your home is a great space in which to teach children about the value of goods such as toys, and books. It is about making conscious efforts to awaken in the child an awareness that the old can be new again.

‘When you choose to collect EXPERIENCES rather than Things, you’ll never run out of storage space.’

                                                                       -Mum’s Little Explorer

A laugh a day can keep the blues at bay.

In all my time as a teacher and Principal, I always felt that classrooms filled with humour were happier and more enlivened spaces in which children could work and learn. Over the years walking around classrooms and observing the environment I would say that classrooms, where humour was part of the daily routine, were successful environments in which the children performed admirably. Children felt more secure around happy teachers and knew that their light approach and positive disposition gave them the security they needed to be themselves. A home that provides a similar climate will be one in which children will feel the lightness and joy that permeates through the house. The anxious level drops and the feeling of joy rises.

Laughter definitely unites us. When you laugh with your child it makes for a stronger connection, one in which you both feel secure and share in the same experience. Note that even small babies use the smiling muscles and are a joy when smiling at the family.

Socially laughing with people says that you are comfortable and happy in each other’s company. A child can learn much from how you embrace friends with laughter and joy. Here you teach them that it is such a positive way to stay connected.

When engaging with your child, laughter can reduce the pressure of the moment and it can take the sting out of more intense moments. It can reframe the situation and give you a chance to start afresh in conversation. It is also a great momentary escape when you are in a tense situation and you need to break from that moment.

It is believed that biologically, laughter calms the brain and reduces the build-up of cortisol. In our world where we hear so much about the importance of mental health, laughter is recognised as a great mental health additive. Young children by their happy disposition teach us that laughter is a wonderful way to live. As an adult, it is easy to lose our sense of humour as we become weighed down by so many negative feelings and demands.

Look at your child, see how spontaneously they laugh. Note how simple things can be such a joy to them and they can see the funny side of situations before we can notice them. Their natural disposition to be funny and laugh can teach us so much. It is not something in which we are expected to grow away.

In working with children, it was always important to only talk to them about serious matters when I was in a good mood. This then dictated how I presented myself and it enabled the child to feel happier, less angry and more comfortable in conversations.

Think about how you enjoy a laugh. Is it present in your family? If so, it will lighten the load and strengthen mental well-being for all. It is a family tonic that revitalises everyone. A dose a day will go a long way.

‘ Always find a reason to laugh. It may not add years to your life but will surely add life to your years.’

Managing children’s behaviour.

There is much to say about this topic but this article is to simply give you a broadsheet, a quick summary of what helps in the area of better management at home.

Firstly and no surprise, a child needs to live in a home that is a positive space and at all times, friendly. Here the child needs to really feel at home and it is a safe place where they get lots of positive encouragement and praise for good behaviour. Teachers are similarly aware that providing such a climate in the classroom gives children a feeling of being valued and wanting to learn. There is nothing more enjoyable than seeing a happy classroom in action.

The household should have clear rules and be a place where the child can see you, the parent living by the standards you set for them. The home is an important place of modelling for parents. The rules and values you live by should be evident in the home and form a good example for your child.

The home should be a stable place and provide emotional and physical security for the child. Never underestimate that the home is a safe haven for your child as they grow and deal with outside shifting and challenging life matters. The home is a place of physical and mental respite and one in which a child can be themselves.

Setting up regular patterns such as mealtime, bedtimes and other routines are important and provide consistency for the child. Of course, you will get objections from time to time but such challenges are normal, especially as the child grows and sees other models outside the home. Just as they grow you also need to adjust and modify rules to suit your growing child. Here I specifically refer to the importance of being flexible.

Create a home environment where the child feels they have a voice and that you see them as a legitimate person with evolving opinions, ideas and values. Be inclusive in your conversations with them and they will learn to see themselves as valid family members.  Their voice is important no matter what the age.

Teachers know that their classroom will generate much learning and stimulus if they provide an open and inviting style of classroom.  They know that they need to be consistent and authentic to get the best from their class.  It is amazing how such a climate can influence a child’s performance.

Finally, you will manage your child’s behaviour well if you are an approachable parent, a good listener, intuitive in what to challenge and in what to let go.

A wise parent knows that it is all about enabling your child to grow in different ways as opposed to overmanaging them.

‘There is no such thing as a perfect parent so just be a real one.’

Sue Atkins

Choose your battles

Are you the type of parent that becomes determined to deal with every conflictual situation that comes your way with your child? If so, are you exhausted? I would suggest that you consider choosing your battles and making well-informed decisions about the important matters that affect you and the family.

Teachers are very skilled at choosing their battles. They recognise that there are many factors that can impinge on a child’s behaviour from day to day. They try to understand what those factors are and this will guide them on how to respond when unacceptable behavioural issues occur. Sometimes they simply avoid noticing problems to reduce built-up tensions with the child in the classroom.

Here are a few thoughts on why choosing your battles is important in maintaining a strong and happy relationship with your child:

• Remember that there are many triggers that can set off poor behaviour which can escalate quickly. Before spontaneously reacting try to understand and listen to your child before responding too quickly. You may learn what drove the behaviour.

• Reflect on how quickly you react to situations. Is it possible for you to slow down and reflect a little deeper on the matter before you react? Are their triggers that set you off?

• Some of the behaviours that you dislike in your child, are they small irritants and can some of them be let go. The less we find ourselves reacting to children’s behaviour, the calmer we feel and also the child.

• You will gain a better response from your child if you only target problems that really need to be addressed. Challenging everything from slamming the door to being untidy can reduce a child’s interest in responding positively. They begin to see you as the nagger and their attention to your concerns is less.

• When you do target the serious matters do it in a way where you express your concerns and talk about the impact the behaviour has had on you and others.

• ‘I am disappointed that you hit your brother. He is now upset and it will take some time for me to settle him down.’ Here you are expressing really sound reasons about an incident that needs to be addressed. Choosing this battle will be effective and not clouded by smaller less important issues. This way the child knows that it is a serious business.

•  In choosing the important battles, this is a good time to really reflect on what are the triggers that really upset you. Remember that some of the smaller matters may not even have value or concern to other members of the family. What drives your feelings of disappointment?

•  Remember that many children’s behaviours are not done to get your attention or to annoy you. In fact, some are done simply to satisfy themselves. For example, playing in the mud, banging on pots etc. The challenge for you, the parent is to decide on what is important in their behaviour to change. What, within reason can you ignore? What is disturbing to you and the family? Can you tolerate some behaviour that simply is done for pleasure? It is worth reflecting on why you want or need to change some behaviour. After more reflection, you may be surprised at what you can let go. The more relaxed you become about incidentals, the better balanced you are in recognising what are significant problems.

Finally, it is a balancing act. Choose the battles that are necessary to change inappropriate behaviour, but loosen up on the less important behaviour that from time to time cross your path.

      ‘Pick your battles.

      You don’t have to show up to every

        ARGUMENT you are invited to.’

        -Mandy Hale

Keeping track of the media for children

There is so much news at the moment about the distressing situation in Ukraine, the ongoing battle with Covid and other local issues. The recent floods were very disturbing in Australia. It doesn’t take long for children to pick up that there is much anxiety and stress in our world.

Children’s exposure to television is a common way in which they pick up the news and often news items come intermittently throughout the day. Snippets of distressing news items appear across the screen spontaneously and often underlined in bold are the words, Breaking News. Immediately our eyes are drawn to the words and we anticipate reading something that has a shock factor. Our children are familiar with how television stations present their news and they can become conditioned into waiting with anticipation for what comes next.

No surprise that our children can be anxious about what they see and hear on the news. Also, schoolyard gossip can be quite instrumental in building feelings of anxiety about matters around which your child has no control.

Understanding that we live in a world where exposure to sudden shock news is evident, there are some practical ways in which you the parents can control what they are exposed to across the week.

• Keep an eye on the television when it is in public view. Children’s programs are controlled for news but not with other programs that are not child censored. This may mean turning off the television more frequently and being around your child during their viewing time.

• Have family conversations about how news works and encourage your child to talk about any issues they have seen which upset them. Your child needs to feel secure and comfortable in talking to you about feelings of being unsettled or issues that are disturbing.

• Consider where your television is placed in the house. Are you able to see and hear what they are watching? Being in the background and in easy reach of the remote is so important.

• Also, if you have newspapers lying around the house, if the headlines are provocative statements, keep them away from your child. It is very hard for children to understand the subtlety of newspaper headlines which can be conflicting and unsettling for little eyes.

• Educate your child about the news of the day. They should be kept up with what is important news but it must be age-appropriate and discussed in a gentle and responsible way. Teaching your child to read news with a responsible and objective outlook is important.

• As parents, we want our children to be gradually introduced into our wondrous world. We prepare them for what is ahead and we understand that they will take on global challenges in different ways. Giving them a slow and stable introduction to what the world presents on paper and screen is the best way for them to develop a critical and responsive eye, decipher the truth and put things into perspective. Anxiety is often bred from ignorance and a parent’s role is to give their child optimum opportunities to be in control of that anxiety.

‘It is commonly agreed that children spend more hours per year watching television than in the classroom, and far less in actual conversations with the parents.’

-Paul Wehrich

The importance of getting support when needed

As parents we simply don’t have all the answers. Just when we think we are on top of matters, our child surprises us with new challenges. They are growing all the time and with that growth comes new interests and new exposures to different experiences and challenges. We need to be ready and prepared as our parenting changes to accommodate our growing child.

It is mentally healthy to recognise that seeking help is an excellent response when needed.

Think about it for a moment. How you talk and parent a seven-year-old will be completely different to how you parent that child when turning fourteen. Who gives you the advice as your parenting needs to adjust to a child who is on the path to seeking independence and demanding personal space, independent thinking etc? This article is to remind you, the parent that seeking advice and help is a natural part of your ever evolving growth as a parent. You see we have to change as well as the child.

 Sometimes we can develop irrational thoughts on seeking advice.

Negative thoughts could include:

• If I cannot manage my child’s behaviour, I must be a failure as a parent. I don’t deserve that feeling when I try so hard.

• If I am in control I would not be at loggerheads with my child and feel useless in managing their behaviour. Why do I have these feelings of inadequacy when it is my child who has behaviour problems?

• I am embarrassed that I cannot manage my child and other people must consider me a bad parent.

• Perhaps my child is really bad and I have done a poor job in rearing them. Perhaps it is my fault after all.

These irrational thoughts can steer us aware from seeking help.

 When you seek help:

• You demonstrate that you value education. The more you know, the more capable, calm and confident you are in understanding the situation for what it is. It is a sound thing for your child to see that you are keen to learn more about parenting.

• It shows you care enough about your child to go beyond your own fears and seek others out for advice.

• It also demonstrates that you can recognise that there is a problem and that independent support is to be valued and respected.

• It shows your maturity in recognising that there are many ways to solve problems and using experienced support will be welcomed.

When seeking help consider places such as your local school and of course talking to your child’s teachers. They are wise enough to understand that home behaviour can be different from school.

Nowadays it is not difficult to look online for parental support and everything from psychologists to the local councils, welfare agencies etc. often run courses to help parents.

 By engaging such support, you will:

• Realise that your parenting is normal. There is no such thing as perfect parenting.

• They will provide moral and emotional support.

• They can help you work out a plan to address your concerns. Organisations can give you other networks to assist as well.

 Above all consider:

• It is normal to come across roadblocks in parenting. In fact, expect them from time to time. They are challenge points.

• As children grow their needs change and this will naturally challenge your parenting.

• It is mentally healthy to recognise that seeking help is an excellent response when needed.

Throughout your life as a parent, you are learning how to parent. It is not a static process and just like any form of learning we all need good teachers.

‘Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.’

-Charles R Swindoll

Differences in families

Did you notice that when your child started school there were many external influences that started to influence your child’s behaviour? Sometimes parents can become anxious when their child comes home, spouting different values from other children. This can be quite off putting for your family, especially as you have worked so hard to provide the best climate for your child in which to grow.

Well, we can always home school if we want our children to not be exposed to other thoughts, ideas and opinions. Of course, such an act will limit your child from being part of the real world. So, I believe embracing the differences in a responsible way is the best response.

 Consider:

• You are the most significant model for your child, especially in their early years. How you model your behaviour and life beliefs has the greatest value for them. However, a child will explore other values that they see and hear and, in some cases, admire. Be consistent with yours.

• When your child talks about what other families do and you don’t, best to listen with interest and talk about how that family embraces different concepts. If your child sees that you respect other families and their differences, they are more inclined to take you seriously.

• Take care not to criticise other families and their habits. That makes a child more curious to learn about the differences.

• Be inclusive. Your child will bring home friends that may challenge you in some way. Be accepting of who they bring home and do not be exclusive, especially with invitations for parties etc. Let your child see how you accept everyone with all their differences, but you strongly celebrate your own.

• Sometimes your child may talk about differences they notice and admire in other families. Listen with interest and ask questions. This is a great time to discuss how families have their own unique culture.

• Teachers are conscious to move children in their class onto different tables across the year. This is done to give all children exposure to each other and to learn from each other in different ways. Even if your child comes home angry that he is sitting next to the unpopular kid in the class, you can use this as an opportunity for him to work harder and learn about someone who is clearly different. We learn so much more about each other from adversity. It is very easy to enjoy likeminded friends. With others less likeable, we must develop more demanding social skills.

• There are many school-based occasions such as sports day, carnivals etc., when you as a family can meet a new set of parents and children. Let your child see how you seek out new people to meet and greet. Show them that being inclusive widens our thinking and demonstrates emotional maturity.

• When your child talks about a new friend they met at school, or chats about how they tried to include someone new into their group, affirm them.

‘I am so proud that you included that sad child into your group. How generous you are and what a difference it will make to them.’

It is a positive way of reinforcing the value of inclusion into a family of friends.

There is much to be learnt when a child starts school. Their emotional and social growth is all the richer for embracing the wonderfully rich tapestry of different families across the years.

‘It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognise, accept and celebrate those differences.’

-Audre Lorde

When home life changes

We all know that personal assurance for children is so important in their life to give them a feeling of being safe and secure. However, life can sometimes interfere with the perfect journey of children from birth to adulthood. Life can change in an instant or it can be slow and a gradual relinquishing of feeling secure. Shock can enter the scene and some children have many facets of grief to work through over time. No reasonable adult wants this for their child but life can change and this will involve the children.

It is a natural consequence that their sense of security and well being will be affected. They will go through many emotions including:

• Were they at fault?

• What about feelings of being left alone?

• Are they still really loved?

• Feeling insecure and less capable individuals.

 Their list goes on but overall, the child feels fragile and a great sense of loss.

The parent will be experiencing a mixture of feelings themselves and may rely on their children for emotional support. Feeling vulnerable as a parent means that emotional expectations will be high for the child.

 Consider:

• Always reassure the child that they are loved by both parents. It is most important to comment on both parents.

• Reassure your child that the breakup was not of their doing. They are free of any responsibility. Keep reassuring your child about this fact as they can quickly slip into a belief that they caused it.

• Keep home life stable as is possible. Make sure that the child knows exactly where when and with whom they are on each day. They will become quite anxious if there is instability and frequent change in this area. Even being on time for pickups is so important to offer reassurance to the child.

• Remember that one on one time and quality listening time with your child is important while crisis is underway.

• Let them talk and give them time to express themselves about what is on their mind. Often a child will go quiet when crisis hits. Best to keep the conversation flowing.

• Behaviour can change as the child deals with their anxiety. Be tolerant and patient when you receive mixed messages from poor behaviour. School performance can suddenly drop off and interest in outside activities can diminish.

• As adult emotions under crisis can be expressive, try not to criticise or talk badly about the individuals involved. A child listens and will be quite confused and talk less when there is unhealthy dialogue around people they love.

The key point is to provide ongoing love, understanding, reassurance and stability in difficult times. Try to remember that whilst you are going through a personal crisis, there is no avoiding that your child will be experiencing emotionally charged times. Accept that you will need support and so to your child. Rely on family support and networks that will minimise some of the impacts. All support is welcome.

‘In family crisis, parents have the opportunity to show children not to fear life uncertainties but to meet them head on Together, strengthened by unity.’

-Elle C Mayberry