Catching good behaviour isn’t that difficult

 We certainly are quick to notice the behaviour that troubles us. We have an immediate reaction to stop it and deal with the matter which is annoying us. How often do we reward our child in spontaneous ways? Do we notice the various spontaneous occasions that can be rewarded and often through different ways?

Never underestimate the value of the positive words you use with your children. There is a clever way of getting even smarter with words and that is by picking up on spontaneous positive moments you notice.

‘You certainly have good manners. Thanks for passing the bread so quickly.’

‘I love the way you close the care door gently. It is good manners.’

‘I notice how you listen to your friends when they tell you, their stories. You are a very empathetic person.’

‘What a gentleman. You carried the groceries in to the kitchen.’

‘How happy you make me when I see how you care for your little brother.’

‘Thanks for picking up the mess. I am just too tired.’

‘You are such a fair person when you play games. You always share with the other person.’

Note that all the above are incidental statements that can be said on the run. The trick is to notice behaviour at a deeper level and comment on how they impact on you or are just simply noticed qualities you admire. The use of good language is important. Sometimes we forget to praise behaviour that is actually building emotional maturity. This involves affirming their generosity, kindness to others, empathy to children. If you think about today’s experiences, were there occasions where you could have simply noticed something you like about your child?

Once a child realises that you notice and appreciate them in different forms, they are more inclined to repeat that behaviour. What you notice about them is how you define them. Their sense of how they are valued comes from how you treat them and especially the words you use to describe them.

There are many ways to listen to your child and one special way is to affirm them in subtle ways.  You are listening to their rhythm of life and celebrating what makes them special.

‘Affirm people. Affirm your children. Believe in them, not in what you see but in what you don’t see. their potential.’

-Stephen R Covey

Respect the difference each child brings to the family

How often do we hear ourselves uttering how different our children are?

We often ask the question,

‘How can they be so different and yet they come from the same family?’

‘Why is my second child so different in temperament to my first child?’

‘Where did I get these children from?’

So many confused and challenging thoughts go through our minds when we reflect on the often-profound differences we see in our children.

There is a different mixture of genes in each child and this will provide a variety of personalities, physical differences, etc. Also, each child has different experiences in the same family especially given their order in the family. They will often see the same situation in a completely different way.

Talk to the first child and they will tell you about expectations placed on them. Sometimes a second child takes more risks and is not so uptight and focussed on perfections. And so, the variation goes on.

What we need to keep in mind is that each child is an individual and will expect to be treated as an individual with understanding and empathy to their special temperament. Treating all children, the same may not always work.

Have you noticed that when you have your second child your parenting changes and this means that your second child will be treated slightly differently? There are multiple variations in how we parent over time and this is all part of the shifting tapestry of family over the years.

Consider:

• How you parent should and will be different for all your children.

• Children who tend to be active, unsettled and strong willed will require more attention and parenting will need to be focussed with lots of understanding and boundaries.

• Celebrate their differences. Make it clear to all the family that you love their differences and that each one is a special individual. This is important as sibling rivalry can easily start up when differences are highlighted in a negative way.

• Sometimes more demanding children will need more of your attention. This is normal and can sometimes make parents anxious that they are not giving enough time to quieter, less troubled children. You are human and can only spread yourself so far. It is just a fact that some children need you more. It happens in all families.

• Tap into each child at a special one-on-one time. A child loves this time and it helps them feel personally connected to you.

• A child loves their one-on-one time with you the parent and also, they love their connected time with siblings. Try and provide a balance so that the family enjoy stable happy times together where their individualism is still given room to grow. The more we acknowledge their differences, the greater symmetry you have as a family and the more understanding for each other is expressed.

‘Kids don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember who you are.’

-Jim Henson

Consider avoiding confrontation where possible.

As children grow older, you may find it better to avoid confrontations and find different ways to amend the situation. Confrontation can be a damaging process for all involved. This is also about being proactive where possible. The less confrontation you have, the better you feel and the overall happiness of the house is maintained. More conflict or the anticipation of potential conflict makes for an unhappy situation.

If your child is inclined to be confronting you about requests you make, consider temporarily delaying the discussion until they are more inclined to listen and work with you over the matter. Finding the right time for both parent and child can make such a difference to the outcome.

Also plan ahead. If you anticipate that your child will react to your request have early discussions about what you expect and how you will help your child reach those goals. Set the scene so that it is not such a big surprise later.

Give your child choices. For example, ‘It is important to clean up the room so that you can go to basketball training’. Make it a clear statement that one action leads to the other. Your child might create their own choices that work for both of you.

Some children need you to be very specific and say it as it is. Without clear directions and consequences, it is difficult for the child to grasp the extent of the problem. Of course, from time to time it is important to sit quietly and actively listen to how they feel about a range of matters. Children who can be confrontational need frequent discussions as they are often quick to be reactive and need your gentle listening skills to understand how they deal with frustration.

In working with children who were quick to be confrontative, it took some time to build a relationship and get them to trust that you were a listener and understood how they felt. They needed to feel reassured that you were not quick to react when you heard things that might make you unsettled. Far too often quick to react children are labelled trouble makers and they often fit that pattern and become easily labelled. Bad experiences beget bad experiences.

 Sometimes parents like setting up contracts with children. I am not a great fan of this method but it can work if both parents and child feel comfortable about the process. Don’t forget to affirm your child when they honour the contract. It is most important here that they feel recognised.

 ‘I statements’ are a clear message to the child about how you feel and don’t forget the wonderful effect of positive ‘I’ statements.

 ‘I really appreciate you cleaning up the yard and now we can find more time to play together. That contract really works.’

Above all understand that confrontation is sometimes necessary. However, with careful planning, strong effective listening and an empathetic approach to your child, the impact of confrontation is reduced.

‘Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.’

-Dorothy Thomas

Who has rights in the family?

Everybody has rights in a family. No one is excluded from having rights, no matter what age or disposition. When we reflect more deeply on this, it can help us put things into perspective. Often, we can be overwhelmed by our role as parents and unsure about our rights in that role. We can sometimes wonder about the vulnerability of our children and what part we play in making them secure. Where do we draw the lines of responsibility and accountability?

A child has a right to be physically nurtured and this includes providing food, shelter, emotional security, etc. They also have a right to grow up feeling safe and secure. This safety is all about physical, sexual and emotional safety.

A child also has a right to be educated and intellectually stimulated bringing them to an independent, happy adult. These rights sound practical and logical but we all know that there is deprivation in some situations. As a responsible parent, it is comforting and reassuring to know that you are honouring what is an expectation from society.

From time to time, as a parent, it can be frustrating when you feel that acting in a strict controlling way may be reducing their liberties. Are you treating your child in an appropriate manner? Is it acceptable for me to control punishments and cause unhappiness?

 The best advice here is:

• If you are disciplining fairly and justly with an understanding of a child’s needs by active listening then you are acting in the best interests of the child.

• Parents have rights. These include deciding on how you will rear your child subject to the aforementioned child’s needs.

• As a parent, you can look at the standards of behaviour that are acceptable to you. Using discipline is acceptable and once again all seen in the context of the rights of the child.

• Surprisingly I would add that you have the right to find time for yourself and nurture yourself. Such self-care strengthens good parenting and is necessary for personal satisfaction.

• You also have the right to be treated with respect and dignity by your child. The best way to set this up is to model the same behaviour to your child.

Over the past few years, schools must develop a Code of Conduct. This includes understanding the rights of children, the dignity of staff, community needs, equal opportunity etc. It is quite an exercise and staff take time to study and develop their Code of Conduct.  Once developed it is a living document practised by the school. Whilst families don’t formally develop such documents it is good to remind ourselves that as family, we need to live around each other sensitive to each other’s rights.  By setting comfortable boundaries that come with understanding and flexibility for the growing child, we set up a safe environment for everyone.

These rights simply remind us that both children and adults should be given special priority as human beings. The more we model sound parenting with an understanding of a child’s growing and changing needs, the better the return in how they respect and treat us in the long run. Good modelling begets good modelling.

‘When we don’t stand up for children... then we don’t stand for much.’

Marian W Edelman

How to deal with giving consequences for problem behaviour

I totally dislike the word Punishment. It has such dark and serious connotations and for a child it can be quite overwhelming when they hear there will be punishment for bad actions. How about saying there will be some consequences for poor behaviour.

Does your child know what they did wrong and who was hurt as a result of poor behaviour?

When a child receives affirmation and positive consequences for a job well done, it is logical that when behaviours are negative, some form of negative consequences can be given.

Here are some important aspects of dealing with problem behaviour that should be understood when managing negative behaviour with children.

• Always be clear in articulating what the problem was, as often children are not sure why they are being given consequences. Sometimes an emotionally charged child will not hear what you have to say, so repeating is sometimes important.

• Remember that you are upset about the poor behaviour and not the child. It is a fact that children can think that you don’t like them, when in fact it is the behaviour you do not like.

• Response to poor behaviour should be as immediate as possible. The waiting game for consequences loses its value and can be upsetting unnecessarily for the child.

• Be consistent. If you give a consequence, then follow it through. A child can be very confused and anxious if you plan consequences but don’t follow through.

• Always affirm the child after the consequences.

          ‘I appreciate how quickly you cleaned your room after you were told. I love how                      responsible you can be when we need to deal with matters.’

• Small consequences can be highly effective and deal with the matter quickly. If you find that you are giving far too many consequences it might be time for a rethink as to what is going wrong. Perhaps a good time for some active listening with your child to hear their concerns.

• Only use consequences that are reasonable and proportional to the poor behaviour. Sometimes a child is not actually aware that the behaviour is poor and you may need to talk to them about what upset you.

• Children are more inclined to accept the consequences of their actions if they understand what they did was wrong and especially if they understand who was hurt as a result. Never presume they have the full wisdom behind their actions and they need your support in explaining why it was wrong and who is affected.

• Watch the tone of your voice when giving consequences. Remain calm and stable with a voice that is not too loud or intimidating. Such reactive behaviour is all about exerting power over the child which ultimately fails as a parenting tool.

As the main role model for the developing child, what you teach them about appropriate and inappropriate behaviour will very much reflect your values. Therefore, you have a major role in teaching and modelling positive behaviour which has such an impact on your child.

                         ‘Children need love especially when they do not deserve it.’

                                                                                         -Harold Hubert

Keep the conversations alive and frequent with your child

Now that school is back, our children will feel all the demands and expectations being placed on schools with regard to health and safety matters concerning the state of the virus in schools.  They will also be reflecting on how they will personally manage under the circumstances and questioning what really makes them safe. Of course, there will be much reassurance coming from teachers and as the parent, you will be putting everything in place as requested by the school and Government requirements.

 Actually, whilst we will all do our best, consider what is important to help your child process through the days, weeks, months and terms ahead? Children will always want to do the right thing and will be anxious if rules are broken or the messages unclear. They will then begin to feel vulnerable and anxious about what to believe. What I recommend is simply to keep the conversations alive at home.

 Consider:

• Conversations should be active and frequent at home with regard to how you are all managing the rules. Let your child tell their story about how their day went and what influenced decisions. Let them feel comfortable in talking about their fears and troubles across the day which at times could be challenging.

• Encouraging conversation invites your child to keep the talk going about how they are feeling or concerns they have that need addressing. Schoolyard talk can incite fears and phobias. Frequent parental talk can easily dispel such fears.

• Conversations need to be positive about how so many successful approaches are being taken to help at school. Remember that providing hope is an important part of our narrative.

• In the conversation invite your child to talk about how the rules at school are working. Talk about a fundamental point which is, that it is all about feeling safe. Demonstrate that you trust and value the work the school is doing to make your child safe. Feeling safe is the bottom line when it comes to conversation

• Regular small spontaneous discussions can be the order of the day. It is all about giving children a chance to discuss their feelings and their journey through the pandemic. Small incidental reassuring chats can make all the difference

• Be an effective and patient listener when your child talks about their experiences. If any issues concern you try to keep emotion in tact as children will pick up your anxiety quickly.

• Talking about issues that make you anxious can be very emotionally tiring. Choose the best time to talk to your children and keep it sweet and to the point. A child’s day should be primarily filled with joy. The topic of the pandemic is heavy.

• Remember that classrooms will be frequently discussing their health agendas and teachers will treat it as part of the normal daily routine. When talking to your child about the topic, build it into some normal routine if possible. Perhaps a discussion at dinner or bedtime etc. You will be the best judge of the timing and place.

Finally, the best protection for our children is to keep gently educating them on how we are understanding and managing the virus.  Knowledge is power and they are entitled to be in control of that themselves. The more they are in control of themselves, the mentally safer they are and the happier they will be in being personally confident.

‘You’ve always had the POWER my dear, you just had to learn it for YOURSELF.’

                 -Wizard of Oz’

Do you have a desire or special message you wish to deliver to your children?

This is worth thinking about. We are by nature creatures that have special interests, passions and focuses that are unique and important to all of us. We all have particular values that we wish to pass on to our children in some form. For some of us there are very clear directions that we want to give our children. For others, it can be a case of wanting to expose your child to many and different facets of life allowing them to come to their own decisions. Whatever your direction there will be some wishes you have in mind that you would like and hope your child would adopt. Perhaps you believe strongly in compassion for those less able-bodied. You would like your children to feel that same passion and urge to help others that comes to you so easily.

Remember that they are their own person and for them to deeply reflect on adopting your passions there are certain factors to consider:

• You are the model. Live with and through your beliefs and your child can examine for themselves if they wish to take them on.

• Be open to seeing others and their passions. A child will appreciate your values more if they see you have an open mind to other viewpoints and that you are happy to expose them to others’ opinions.

• Talk about your passions and put them into realistic terms. They will at times give you highs and lows. Passions will challenge you and disappoint you at times. However, demonstrate that you hold strong to them and that will impress your child.

• Take care not to impose your passions onto your child. Sometimes this can be done subtly and a child will tire quickly of being absorbed into your dreams without feeling any personal control over them.

• Be patient. Children may disappoint you by rejecting your beliefs and passions. They will go through many stages in their development but ultimately will choose for themselves. You will leave an imprint and if that is a positive image, they are more inclined to adopt your model.

• When they bring home opposing thoughts and challenge the importance of your passions, simply listen and respect their right to explore different ways and means. This will show them how you respect their right to think differently and you understand that not all the world holds the same truths dear as you.

• If you want your child to learn about things that are important to you, plant seeds by demonstrating how you live by certain rules etc. Don’t enforce their listening but gently express yourself in ways that demonstrate how happy you are.

• Let your child know that certain ways of living are important to you and you share them in different ways with your child from time to time. Do not impose your values as a child can grow to resent that behaviour.

Finally, there is an old saying, ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’ Your child will be strongly influenced by your image and how this image is portrayed in their young lifetime, will determine how much of it is finally adopted.

‘If you don’t pass your values on to your kids, someone else will.’

-Frank Sonnenberg

6 simple tips on easing back into school

1.    Be prepared

Involve the children in the general preparation for starting school. Have plenty of good conversations around all the items they will need. Talk about their new teacher and chat about their friendships that they will re-establish. Treat starting school as a normal process and one which will be exciting, a happy experience and full of a healthy hope. It’s amazing how positive talk can influence a person’s well being by building a healthy set of attitudes. 

2.    What is normal now?

There is no escaping the need for a robust conversation on where the pandemic is at and how schools will manage the situation (age-appropriate discussion of course.) Our children need to be part of the real world and take ownership of themselves when it comes to good hygiene habits. Simply relying on the teachers will not work. Children need to feel in control of their personal situation. 

3.    Sound home routines and yet be adjustable

6 Simple Steps on Easing Back into School

Now is the time to start talking about the weekly routines and what that will look like for everyone in the family. In such discussions be inclusive of strategies you take as a family to be safe from the virus. We now acknowledge that we live with this reality. This may mean at times accepting chaos and flowing with changes as they come. This will ultimately reduce stress. 

 4.    Dealing with school feelings in the presence of the virus

Some children may have anxieties already about going back to school away from their safe home. Chat about the positive actions taken by schools and the Government to keep them safe at school. They need your reassurance that this is best for them. Try listing all the facts that lead to a safe setting. For example, using sanitiser in class, wearing masks etc. The list will mount up and give your child some reassurance.

 5.    The reluctant learner

Our children have recently experienced less classroom contact than ever before. Therefore, they have become familiar with less conversation, interaction and stimulus from group activities. This can be more of a problem for quieter, less confident children. A good way to strengthen and build their confidence is to keep robust chatter going at home. Provide games and challenges to stimulate engagement with others. Keep the home life an interactive environment where conversation is a strong force in all members of the family and not just the noisy ones.

 6.    Developing the best attitude for 2022

A helpful goal this year is to work on our mental attitude to the pandemic. The quality of our thoughts ripples through our actions. How we reflect on the changing situation can hinder or help my mental health and also impact on our children. We can consciously choose our attitude when we hear of new developments. If we choose to see the best and positively work to being optimistic, our children will feel happier and more secure. Teach them to be an owner and not a blamer through the current crisis.

Just going with the flow could be the best option

We all like our sense of organisation and certainly. Being in control gives us a feeling of security and no doubt provides stability for the children. Having said all this, I believe that this year we may need to be more flexible and learn to go with the flow a little more.

Accepting that this flow will change as our pandemic twists and turns into different challenges may be the safest route to follow. After all, if we remain rigid in how we organise our lives, we will only experience disappointment and this will add to diminishing your mental health.

Schools have learnt over the past two years to be more flexible with timetables and to plan for the unexpected. This has taken its toll on the staff and school community, but they are now aiming to be one step ahead of pandemic changes. Also, they have educated themselves on the implications of the virus and how to best provide for children’s safety. So, the new norm is all about setting and resetting new directives that fit into a more flexible world. Schools see change as a normal part of life and so too do the children.

Be open to chaos and embrace its freedom. It is amazing the wisdom that will flow.

Consider the following thoughts to encourage reflection on an easier flowing year.

• If you are a long-term planner, such as planning by terms, allow some flexibility with that or at least have in the back of your mind how you can adjust.

• Talk to your children about how planning from time to time may need restructuring which ultimately improves the status quo. After all, you may have a set route to travel in your car but on occasions rerouting is necessary.

• Read the news that gives us a clear update of any changes or planned Government changes. This will help you make better-informed decisions on how you as a family operate.

• Take care not to be too publicly negative about unsettling news.  Children need the truth, but it can be framed in a way that implies the situation created will ultimately strengthen our knowledge and management of the virus. After all, no matter what you think, people are generally trying to make things better. It is in our nature to improve our situations and science has shown some extraordinary developments in such a short time.

• On your family calendar when you hear of something positive happening such as the arrival of RAT kits for everyone, record it on the calendar. It is such a positive sign for children that good things are happening. Strange that we may be recording such a situation, but times are different and our new norm requires a rethink of what we value.

• Children are surprisingly very versatile. As we grow older, we become more rigid in our thinking. We become more secure in what we know that has been tried and tested. Talk to your children about how you are open to being more flexible and invite them to make suggestions, especially when things need to change. They are creative individuals who need to use their creativity, especially in today’s unstable world. Let them in on your planning.

Finally, we all like a little control over our life and yet chaos brings new challenges and lifts our horizons in many ways. It refreshes our thinking and cognitively enlivens our thinking process. Be open to chaos and embrace its freedom. It is amazing the wisdom that will flow.

‘Problems disappear when we are willing to be flexible.’

-Roxanne Jones

The last breath of our summer holidays - let it linger longer.

As we enter the last phase of our summer holidays, I imagine there are many thoughts going through our minds about starting up again in 2022. What will this look like we wonder? How can I give hope and joy to my children when there is still so much around that is a cause of anxiety? Let me remind everyone that the Summer is still with us and so too the last breath of the summer holidays. So, enjoy! Don’t let them be compromised by anxious preparations for the new school year.

 Consider:

• Now could be an excellent time to take time to talk with your family taking stock of all the relaxation and fun you have been having together. What have you really enjoyed about these holidays?

• Discuss how you can get the best out of the last few weeks before routine begins again.

• Now is also a time to start some gentle talk about what you as a family have put in place for the year. Does it include more holidays? Are their surprises, celebrations that need planning together? Talk up the positive aspects of the year that you are looking forward to.

• Perhaps you can start the talk about how the vaccine has influenced our world. It will be important to discuss the plans you have to combat the virus and provide safety for your children. This reassurance is important as they contemplate school.

• Are there some fun habits that you have developed as a family over the holidays? What can you bring from the holidays into your daily routine?

• Some of our best weather comes into February and March. Can you plan some special weekends ahead once school starts? This eases the children more comfortably into the year and reminds them of the balance between work and family leisure. It can be quite a sharp contrast going from summer holidays back to school.

• Schools are starting to awake for the new school year and I appreciate that planning for school will come into the next few weeks. Tap into it gently and keep the lingering of Summer longer in the mind of the family. A child will learn best once refreshed and feeling secure with their family surrounds.

• We hear on the news, daily statistics regarding Covid. It can feel overwhelming and certainly puts a damper to a day’s start. Control the news around the children. A day should be started enthusiastically and without anxiety for a child.

Above all the child will get the best from this year after a great summer start. Give it a boost of enthusiasm in the last few weeks and above all give them a sense that 2022 will be a year of much more certainty and hope.

‘The tans will fade but the memories may last forever’.

                                       -Town and Country magazine

The holiday- a time to simply let go and what does it mean for when we return to normality?

If we were to evaluate how different we feel in holidays we would surprise ourselves. Do you notice how more patient and tolerant you can be? Do you also recognise in yourself how problems seem to be less and everyone in the household does not seem to be on edge? Such a relaxed situation seems to change, once routine and work enter the picture.

This blog is all about capturing some of those warm and happy holiday feelings and consider placing them in your normal day to day life. Imagine taking some of that wonderful holiday feeling and transferring it into your daily routine. It’s possible, but it does require working at it and setting a few simple goals.

          Consider:

• Have you enjoyed being happier with the family in holidays and perhaps less stressed or worried about the little things that go wrong? If so, consider adopting a less stressed feeling at home for the whole year.

• Do you find that at home you can be short of patience especially when you are tired and the business of work is back? Try allowing more time to pass when things go wrong rather than seeking instant resolution.

• Start noticing all the great fun things you love about your child. Often in holidays, these seem to be clear and we enjoy each other a lot more. Bring that holiday happy feeling into the home. Keep noticing your child’s gifts and this will slow down feelings of disappointment when they come.

• When we are back at home and school has started, there is a sense of needing to get better and performing as best we can. Competition enters the scene. There is a subtle but real set of expectations with your child that creep in once school has started. Try to put less emphasis on the need to perform, but rather feel happy to celebrate what they are doing. The outcomes will still be great.

• In holiday time we seem to be less aware of simple mistakes. We are more relaxed and think less about errors. Can you bring some of that feeling into your post-holiday home? The more you create a home where there is less stress and reduced focus on correctness, the happier the environment.

• When on holiday we tend to speak in less harsh tones to each other. The world seems more at peace. We relax more and enjoy simpler less complicated situations. Is it possible to bring that style of speaking into your home so that there is less damage in the words used?

• I imagine there has been more spontaneous laughter over the holidays. Keep it up at home and enjoy a happier space throughout the year. Laughter feeds into a healthy mindset for everyone.

• With holidays we treasure the time we have together. Is it possible to build in personal time together once the children are back at school? Was it so difficult to slow down and could that feeling of working at a slower pace be adopted at home?

Holidays give us such opportunities to enjoy our family in a whole new way. If we can reflect on what worked so well in our family, is it possible to bring some of that holiday feeling into your daily routine when life goes back to normal? Can we see that holiday experience as part of the way we really want to live all the time?

‘If you want your children to be educated read them fairy tales.

If you want them to be more intelligent read them more fairy tales’

Albert Einstein

There is so much fatigue in worrying

How much time do we take up worrying? In the climate we are now living in, it is not difficult to slip into excessive worry. When we allow it the liberty to take over our headspace, we are often quite sad, tired and can easily fall prey to fear. Worry can destabilise our life and certainly detract from building healthy relationships.

Our children quickly pick up our emotional dispositions and this can induce their own form of worrying about us as a stable source of reliability.

As parents, the best we can be to our children is to be a stable, constant, happy influence, that proactively and responsibly embraces life, no matter what the climate we live in. Children feel secure when their parents feel secure. It’s as simple and as complicated as that!

Consider the following thoughts that invite us to hold a positive, hopeful disposition that acts as a stable framework for our children.  

• Keeping humour alive in the family is key to making everyone feel at ease. A little laughter a day sets off the right mood for feeling well mentally.

• Be authentic with your children. If you need to talk about the latest issues regarding the pandemic talk truthfully and ensure that a sense of hope is included in the discussion.

• Talk to your child in a warm way. Keep anxious voices away from little ears. It is amazing how the tone of your voice sends messages to your child.

• Get plenty of rest and don’t feel guilty about that! The more you are rested, the better your mental and physical wellbeing. By looking after yourself you are in the best place to offer a stable, happy parent image to your child.

• Exercise and play sport with your child. Such physical experiences together set off positive messages to the brain that all is well with the world and with us.

• Be aware of social media, television, news etc that cycles around your family house. With so much negative talk about the virus, a child can easily get clouded by shock news that easily sucks away happiness from their day.

• Be open and invite conversation. Listen to what your child asks about the issues that unsettle them. If they feel there is an invitation to talk, they will be more open especially about awkward topics. In today’s climate, they need the reassurance that they can have a voice.

• Be intuitive. If you see an opportunity to engage with your child, take advantage of it. This could happen through merely picking up a ball and kicking it to them, sitting with them as they work on their Lego, a fun group hug together. Worry is reduced through spontaneous, happy experiences done on the run.

• Read books together that make you both feel good. Sometimes just enjoying reading and not focussing on developing learning is so invigorating.

• Don’t be frightened to slow down. Does your day have to be so crowded? Hopefully, we learn a lot from our relaxed beach holidays. Less can give us much more as a family.

‘Worry less, Smile More, Don’t Regret

Just Learn and Grow’

                   -Unknown

As school closes and holidays begin

Now it’s time to really rest and recover from a confusing and complex year. It is a time to gather with family and friends and above all to strengthen connections.

Children will be excited about holidays and carry some slight reservation about the year to date. No matter how the year went for your family with lockdowns etc, Christmas is a good time to put some ritual and normality into their lives. It is pointless reflecting on goals not achieved or plans abandoned. What’s done is done. Now is the time to bring some hope and joy into your life as a family. Christmas in a way is putting normality and ritual back into their lives.

A few latent thoughts about school, 2021.

• Try to not reflect on what was not achieved. Teachers will have done their best under the circumstances.

• You will actually be surprised how much your child has learnt over the year and in surprisingly different ways. Children are more sensitised to how society is responding to such a crisis as the pandemic. Their maturity and self-awareness will have been given a sudden and unexpected jolt. Perhaps they are more intuitive about where and how to function around people. They have learnt to accept less and to be patient and tolerant of others. In our society, which has been focussing on the individual for some time, the lockdowns and pandemic has forced us to look at the common good for all. It has been about compromising lifestyle so that lives are saved.

• Schools have worked hard to put a good closure on the school year and no doubt some positive talk about next year, would have been the order of the day, especially discussing class groups etc. The children would have left the school, hopeful and excited for 2022. I have every confidence in the positive speak that teachers would have given the children in their planning for the New Year. Their job is all about giving children hope through the learning experience.

• Tap into your child from time to time, to understand how they are processing and reflecting on the 2021 year. Some children may need to talk more about their experiences and feelings, others may be quick to move on. It will be different for each child. Listen carefully to your child to hear their cry for support.

• Above all look to the future with optimism and give your child a clear understanding of how you, as a family are managing the ongoing situation. Keep them well informed (age appropriate) and talk positively about how the new year will present challenges and opportunities.

‘Optimism is a kind of stimulant- the digitalis of failure.’

-Elbert Hubbard

A few thoughts as school closes for the year

It has occurred to me recently that some families are feeling some delayed anxiety over what formal schooling the children have missed for yet another year. Understandably, this can play on your mind. Perhaps you should be compensating for missed contact hours at school? Below are some thoughts to set your mind at ease.

• It has been a level playing field for all schools. Therefore, teachers in the new year will adjust in their teaching to accommodate the previously dishevelled year. Teachers will plan with this in mind in the new year and allow time for children to catch up. Their job is to work from where the child is at in their learning.

• The best way to support your child during the holidays is to keep up with reading. For younger children you will be more involved and for the independent readers just plan time in the family when reading is part of the daily routine.

• Keep conversations alive in the family and invite your child to talk as much as possible. This helps develop oral language and also feeds into auditory learning where listening is important.  Therefore, ask your child questions and allow them time to respond. We need to keep all aspects of learning and developing literacy as high as possible.

• Play games together. Jigsaw puzzles are wonderful for developing the brain. Reduce activities that are solo based. The more group activities involving coordination, conversation, negotiation and team efforts are excellent for further developing intuitive thought.

• Schools teach through the Inquiry approach which is all about questioning. When you see something worth discussing have robust discussions and invite opinions and questions by your child. This means giving less answers and being less opinionated or correct as the adult. Nothing stops a child more from talking than an opiniated adult or one that has all the answers.

• Affirm your child when they show initiatives in different directions.  Creativity is so important to nurture in our children. This is all about a child developing a curious and uninhibited attitude to life. Remember, whatever they try is a success and not a failure. They will be more inclined to keep showing initiative when encouraged.

• During the holidays keep the variety of activities going throughout the break. This invites a child to use their brain in different ways. Of course, we all know how long hours on the computer is sole destroying for enlivening the brain. It deadens the spirit an destroys healthy conversation.

• Even though formal school time was down in 2021, a child’s summer break is incredibly important for revival, sunshine, fresh air and childhood joy. If we deprive them of this, they will not have the recovery needed to begin another school year well. They will start 2022 with some residual unhappy feelings of the previous, interrupted school year. A refreshing holiday revives their spirit and enthusiasm to begin again with hope. I refer here to mental health which will have a direct impact on next year’s success if not handled well. Preparation is everything.

• If you have a child that likes to write, give them a journal for Christmas and invite them to record their holiday experiences in it. Less reluctant writers could write out shopping lists, etc.

Finally, worry less about what this year had to offer for your child as they will quickly reflect on your attitude and this can put doubt in their mind about moving forward positively and successfully.  You cannot change what has happened this year but you can influence a developing perception of next year. Children learn best when free of anxiety and self doubt.

‘We are what we believe we are.’

-C S Lewis

When to simply ignore the problem

This cannot always be easy and yet it can be a troublesome area for parents who struggle to let go of issues or behaviours that are poor. We all have our buttons that can be pushed easily. We need to know our measures and what triggers our reaction to different situations. Sometimes, simply tiredness and fatigue can shorten our tolerance level. Also, there are some situations that make parents more reactive or anxious when a child behaves inappropriately. This article is to invite reflection on the whole area of when it is better to simply ignore certain behaviours. Why you ask, when the behaviour is inappropriate? Well, consider:

• The stronger reactions we have to our child’s behaviour, the more they grow to expect that response. Therefore, are we sometimes feeding the problem as they will repeat the pattern with no change.

• Is the unacceptable behaviour on a scale of one to ten that important to correct? Sometimes it is best to simply accept that their childish ways can be live around.

• Reflect on why you want the behaviour corrected or changed. Are the reasons valid or are you reacting to what others may think etc?

• The more you have a day labelled with corrections and chastisement, the more debilitating it becomes for all. Keep in mind that in this case, the effectiveness of your reactions is very low. This of course makes us further frustrated. Do you know the point where it’s best to stop reacting?

• Be selective. If you notice some behaviour that is unacceptable, choose the best time to talk to your child and deal with the matter. Often quick responses in busy settings like shopping centres are ineffective. You want your child listening and available in conversation to get the best results.

• If your child is having an off day or simply not well, be sensitive to dealing with the problems. Try to be proactive and provide a climate that gives you and the child a softer landing.

• When is a problem really a problem? Keep this in mind when you see behaviour in which you have an immediate reaction. Sometimes the problem can resolve itself without your intervention. Keep this in mind.

• Try to not react straightway, because after a small reflection you may see the situation differently or with less intensity. This makes for a softer resolution for all. Timing is everything.

• Keep in mind that they are childhood behaviours, sometimes driven with intent, sometimes carelessly done and sometimes without thinking. Try to ascertain the intent and this may help you to see that the problem is actually less important to manage.

Your journey as a parent on many levels seems very long, but upon later reflection, you will wonder where the years went. The overall impression for the child as an adult is that you were fair and loving, a great listener, negotiator and a sympathetic parent. Best to work on developing that impression than one of being focussed on suppressing behaviour.  

‘Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction at all.’

                                                        -PinArt

The proactive approach for our children is the right way to go

Best to always avoid tricky situations than to dive into them unprepared. The consequences can be long, overcomplicated and perhaps could have been avoided with some proactive actions. As busy parents, who wants to deal with extra problems and find themselves in more complicated situations than is necessary? Being proactive requires some thought to foresee what is likely to happen and where possible go around the problem or divert the situation.  When you know your child and how they respond to certain situations you are in the best position to be proactive.

Being proactive also has many benefits in building stronger, healthier relationships with your child.

• By avoiding the little problems, you are less likely to have to deal with issues escalating to a new level. One problem can easily triple in a short time.

• Better parenting is all about planning well and recognising the signs that can change a happy situation into a disaster in a flash.

• It is healthier to be in a positive state with your child than to be regularly dealing with behavioural issues that can require discipline etc. In the first instance, they could have been avoided.

• To be proactive, a parent looks for the best way to deal with some issue before it actually happens. This requires knowing your child and choosing occasions and times that work best for you. It may mean redirecting plans, reducing hostile conversations, noticing less trouble and generally looking for the positive in situations.

• Be alert. Tired parents and children are not a good combination for avoiding conflict.

• Put some family strategies in place that are proactive. For example, if your child is always running to find their bag for school, get them to put it near the door the night before. It is all about seeing a potential occasion where it can escalate making everyone unhappy.

• Affirming your child is also a very proactive activity. The more they feel valued in doing the right thing, the greater possibility out will be repeated.

• Be clear in your directions and make sure that your child heard your instructions before reacting. Sometimes busy times with poor listening can quickly escalate into problems when real listening has not occurred.

• Look at the setup of your home. Are there places around the house that encourage sound relationships or are there obstacles that can cause tension such as computers in family spaces? For example, are bikes, toys etc. put in safe places that are accessible but not interfering with movement? Take a walk around the house, are there places and spaces that can be improved where a child will not break precious items, etc. The environment in the house should suit the age of your family.

• Speak optimistically. This always suggests that there is no threat in your voice and that you are in no way upset. A child listens to their parents’ voices to get a measure of how they are valued. They are more likely to respond well and less reactive if feeling reassured.

Above all recognise that being a proactive person reduces tension, avoids unnecessary confrontation, builds stronger relationships and models to a child that working in a positive framework is a much more powerful and effective way of living happily and peacefully.

‘Being positive won’t guarantee you’ll succeed.

But being negative will guarantee you won’t.

                                                       -Jon Gordon

If you wish to change behaviour, be prepared to change yourself

We get very weary when we see the same unpleasant behaviour repeated in our children. It can be exasperating and our reaction can sometimes lead to further disapproving behaviour. So, the cycle goes on which further adds to frustration. When that happens, we need to put other strategies in place. Those strategies are all about getting the child to hear that such behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change. However, the change is for the right reasons and this is where your change comes into play as the parent.

 Consider the following thoughts.

• Can we really expect our child to change the behaviour if they don’t see that anything is wrong? Often when we correct them, they simply do not see that their behaviour is unacceptable. We sometimes mistake this as they are just not listening.

• A child is more likely to change their behaviour if they understand that their actions have implications on you. After all it is you, the parent who is upset.

• When a child sees that they are causing you some upset by their behaviour, they are more inclined to change it not because it is wrong but because it affects you.

‘I need to get to the car quickly to pick up your brother. The toys in the hallway are blocking me.’

Here you are inviting them to remove the toys not because the child is wrong but the presence in the hallway limits your access to the door.

‘I need your help in the kitchen as I have only a small time to read bed stories to your younger brother.’

 Here it is about getting assistance to take the pressure of the bedtime stories.

The change for you, the parent is to remember to give the reasons why you need the behaviour to change. When you do this, the child feels more aware of your needs and sees their behaviour as interfering with your needs. Generally, they will be more sympathetic in changing their behaviour.

‘When you speak in a soft voice, my headache feels a little better.’

Children often do not register that their actions are considered poorly until it is pointed out how their actions interfere with another’s life.

Many teachers have mastered the art of working closely with children and reducing conflict in the classroom by building in sound explanations for actions taken.

‘Thanks for closing the door. The noise outside is a distraction.’

There are two main thoughts here in this article, Firstly, if you want to change behaviour you will need to think about the reason you want that behaviour changed. Secondly, you will need to build this reason into your request.

‘Please pick up your toys in the loungeroom. I don’t want to trip on them.’ 

Building into your words the reasons for changing behaviour gives the child an honest understanding of what is causing the problem for you. For them it may not be a problem at all.

‘Focus on the solution and not on the problem.’

-Jim Rohn

What to keep from our lockdown experience?

Despite the very hard nature of the lockdown and the limitations placed on ourselves and families, we can say that from adversity sometimes comes new thinking and helpful lessons for life. Here are some valuable gains that may have come from your lockdown experiences.

Feeling better about yourself

Have you noticed that there are some changes in yourself that have suited you very well and in fact nourished your wellbeing?  Have these changes made you feel happy? Can you build those changes into your new post lockdown world? This will keep nourishing the spirit as you adjust to your new life, post lockdown.

The value of personal time

Did you find that you discovered some personal time? Did this personal space give you feelings of satisfaction? How can you keep some special time for yourself now that lockdown and our busy life returns? The more at peace you are, the greater feeling of stability for your child.

What have you learnt about yourself?

Did you learn something new about yourself during lockdown? Perhaps you found some creative aspect to your life that was enriching and life-giving. Can you find space in your life now to keep that precious gift alive and active in your reshaped world? When your child sees you grow, they are inspired for themselves.

The development of new family habits

Did you develop some wonderful habits or even rituals that you developed with your family? Is it possible to build them into your post lockdown world? Building family habits is reassuring and comforting to children as it is familiar.

What have you really learnt about your child?

As a family did you discover wonderful new aspects to your child. In quite uncomplicated times, there is much to discover about your child. Hold that thought and keep it in mind when busy and frustrating times creep into our life and dull our patience. It will help you better manage the difficult moments with your child.

The joy of keeping life simple

Did you discover that simple uncomplicated times can bring you much joy? Can you bring some of that uncomplication into your life now? This may mean some planned reconstruction as a family. Something may have to go!

 Keep a record of what you want to cherish

Have you thought of writing down all the feelings and experiences that happened in lockdown that you cherished? Some of them may be precious moments with your child. Keeping a record gives you joy when you want to go back and reflect. It can also serve to remind you of what is possible in a simpler world.

Online learning and your connection to your child’s learning style

After all the home learning you probably now understand more about your child’s style of learning. Keeping up with reassuring them that you are interested and appreciate their learning, will give your child a greater sense of achievement, given your closer connection to their learning.

Keeping the connection strong and constant

The lockdown gave you a greater intimacy with your child. Can you build time for such intimacy, post lockdown? This may mean letting go of other things. Your child will certainly miss that strong connection post lockdown and will seek out that deeper relationship that they found comforting while at home.

 The value of deeper listening

With more presence around your child during lockdown, did you notice how better you listened to your child with more interest, intent and less fatigue? Can you build in more personal listening time with your child in your post lockdown world? This will help them when they feel anxious about fitting into their new world.

Boys and education

Educating boys is a wonderful exercise but it comes with its challenges.

Do any of the following statements ring true with you:

Are we asking our boys to?

Teaching and Raising Boys

• Sit still.

• Listen with intent.

• Be less aggressive when upset.

• Be more stable in their emotions.

• Manage their testosterone better.

• Be interested for longer periods of time.

• Be less noisy.

• Respond when spoken to.

• Show more interest in education.

• Be less distracted.

The list goes on as we think about how educating boys and bringing them up is thwart with difficulties and challenges. My response is a simple one. I just loved teaching and working with boys. In fact, if given the choice I would have loved facilitating a school of boys. They are just the most remarkable and interesting young people to teach. Let’s think about these observations that I acquired in my work with boys.

• I found boys loved learning with passion when they found something they enjoyed. Yes, it was hard to engage them with general material, but once the passion was there, the learning was extensive and at that point, boys really concentrate, stay focussed and even sit still!

• Boys will naturally get angry and their fighting at times can be quite spontaneous, very physical, noisy, most unattractive and unacceptable. However, they move on quickly once they deal with their anger and face consequences. Amazingly mateship and forgiveness come quickly. Boys don’t seem to harbour long, negative memories and are quite prepared to shake hands and move on.

• If you build a relationship with boys, they will open up and talk more freely. Once trust is built with a boy, you will find they will talk more openly to you. Otherwise, they can be cautious in disclosing their feelings and particularly closed about emotional matters. Keeping feelings closed is not mentally healthy for boys.

• Sensitivity is another important aspect of growing boys. Their behaviour at times may not seem to depict sensitivity, but they are very sensitive by nature and need caring at this level. We want our boys to be treated with sensitivity to learn how to display sensitivity.

• Often people notice that boys generally learn or seem slower in their learning to girls especially in the early years. It is a biological fact they are generally not as developed physically, intellectually and emotionally as the girls, which means that setting expectations for them in the early years as with the girls is not a success. They certainly accelerate in early teens, which also requires giving them emotional and breathing space, as they grow into young men.

• A boy learns so much from solid modelling from their parents and especially from their father. They learn by observation and will seek out models that they can identify with comfortably. Never underestimate that how you communicate with your boy influences how they present themselves to others.

• Friendships and peer relations can have an impact on how boys manage themselves. Be accepting and open to their friendships and show that you trust their judgement in forming friends.

• Set boundaries that are clear and reasonable. Clarity with boys is very important. From time to time you may need to negotiate a change with those boundaries.

• Of course, being active and involved in sports is such an important part of a boy’s life. They need to be active and teachers often find that teaching them in short sharp bursts is the best way for their learning. Physical activity and especially working in teams, is such a healthy way of life. It gives them balance to be active as well as passive.

 Above all enjoy your boy. Accept that they are quite different in how they approach the world to our growing girls. Do not necessarily set the same expectations for them as girls and celebrate all the quirky and interesting facets of your son that you discover. When you see behaviour that is unappealing, remember that you love the boy and the behaviour will pass. Your acceptance of them for who they are, will pay dividends as they grow into happy, capable young men.

‘I realise that despite my tiredness, my son has the most fun when I do things his way-wild and loud. Go Big or go home.’

@ powerful mothering.com

Let’s talk about managing food allergies at school

This is such a difficult topic, as dealing with life-threatening allergies for children demand so much attention and understanding from all parties. Schools take this seriously, but unfortunately in the busy life of a school, mistakes can happen. The bigger the school, the more difficult it is to get the message across that, for example, everyone adopts a nut-free policy. Sometimes, some homes are not aligned with school rules and this is where it can fall down, putting children at risk. The answer, I believe, simply involves the child in question, gradually over time, being educated on food groups and allergies. It is so important that the child learns to personally manage their health themselves. Schools will help with supportive rules. However, if a child knows the signs of where food allergies are present around them, especially at eating time, the greater capacity they have of being safe from attacks.

Without going into much detail, children can learn that sometimes surfaces, where other children have eaten, can contain some contaminates that they need to be aware of. I hear you say, how hard it is for a child to feel that they have to own their condition. I believe that the more a child takes ownership of their health, the safer and ultimately the happier they will be. There is nothing more satisfying than being in charge yourself. It takes away so much fear and anxiety.

Hot Topic! Should schools ban ‘dangerous food’?

Think about the following ideas to help graduate a child into learning and taking ownership of their health issues, especially with regard to life threatening allergies.

• From an early age gently talk about the health matter and begin the education into food groups, allergies etc.

• As a parent, you will of course educate with wisdom, common sense and with an optimism, that it will be all for the best. Talking positively about how important it is to keep healthy and well.

• At school, keep the education going at your class level, especially and talk to the teacher about how the classroom can help when food is introduced. Teachers are all about education and if a child in their room, has specific food allergies, that are life-threatening, they will take great care to support the best climate for the child.

• Teach your child that everyone’s wellbeing is different and the home environment is a great place for celebrating that difference, especially when preparing and learning about food.

• Tune in with your child about how things are going at school and what precautions the child is taking when eating time comes around. It is always helpful to occasionally tap into the teacher to discuss how food is being managed throughout the school day. This is important, as, throughout the school year, the classroom will set up different dynamics, that may challenge eating time.

• Don’t forget to affirm your child if they demonstrate a smart way of managing their food allergies. Children, when left to their own devices, are creative in solving their own problems.

• Teach them to speak up and not feel vulnerable about their allergies. The more confidence a child shows in themselves, the safer they are in managing their own health issues. Their wellbeing is unique to them.

• The younger the child, the more careful and supportive are parents and school in providing a safe climate. However, at a younger age, a child can learn a great deal about their health and how to look after their condition. We are teaching them that self-care is a necessary part of their life.

Schools take on the responsibility of providing a nut-free policy and will do their best in providing that safe environment for the child. They also rely on everyone being on the same page, all the time. This can be challenging. The safer route is to keep your child abreast with self-knowledge where they build confidence and grow stronger in personally managing their health issues.

‘Self-care is how you take your power back’

-Lalah Delia