The value you have to your child
We appreciate that we are important and that we hold great responsibility and balance of power in taking care of our child. I wonder how often we think about the value we give to our child.
Dr Seuss said “To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.”
So often as a busy parent we forget about the value we have to our children. We appreciate that we are important and that we hold great responsibility and balance of power in taking care of our child. I wonder how often we think about the value we give to our child.
Dr Seuss said
“To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.”
Our busy lives strip away the sentimentality and time for reflection on such matters. However, stop for a minute and think:
You make such a powerful impact on the developing life of your child. This then reminds us to take care on how we model ourselves and what messages we give to our children.
The things you value will be initially valued by your child. After some time, they become more scrutinising but are greatly influenced by what you value in your life. For example, if you value being neat and tidy this will be a strong message to your child about how to live.
Your well being is so important if you are to be a parent of much influence with your child. A healthy happy disposition shows your child that personal care is taken seriously by you and strongly valued.
If you are so heavily valued by your child, remember that being authentic is showing your child that you are human and make mistakes, recognise difficulties, celebrate good times and do the best you can. When we aim to be perfect it usually goes pear-shaped and this gives a confusing message to our appreciative child.
A helpful way of looking at it is to imagine your child grown up. What do you think they will think of you? Will they have a very distinctive way of looking back or will it be a mixed memory of how your acted and treated them. Think of your own parents and that journey. By focussing on this thought you realise that we carry images of ourselves into the future and you want them to be memorably happy moments. After all, you were for many years their heroes. They valued what you had to offer them.
In working with children one of the clearest messages I received from children was how they knew their parents. To them, they were an important anchor and bearer of truth. Your word was taken seriously even though some behaviour may have suggested others. This almost spiritual value that you hold as a parent is quite sacred and such a precious parental gift you have been given. Use it wisely so that your child will carry forward all the lessons taught and learnt. They will discard some but they will value many as an adult and especially as they begin to parent themselves. Where else will they get their examples from?
‘Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.’
-W.E.B DuBois
Are you planning everything around your children?
Downtime with the family is a vital time to replenish the family spirit, refresh relationships and simply enjoy each other’s company.
The answer could simply be yes as our children have busy, demanding schedules with school, outside sports activities and friendship demands. Of course, we feel the expanding pressure of always being available and ensuring that their outside school needs are met by us. There is a common belief that providing a full complement of activities outside the school will be satisfying for the children and will demonstrate how effective I am as a parent in ensuring that my child is offered all that is available.
Beware. This can be a trap where as parents we want only to have our children fulfilled and active throughout the day. Whatever happened to simply just being as a family and not setting busy expectations for everyone. Downtime with the family is a vital time to replenish the family spirit, refresh relationships and simply enjoy each other’s company. There is a lot to be learnt from each other and of course, this will come with sibling tensions, disappointments, misunderstandings etc. However, what a time this is to learn more about tolerance and differences with each other.
A family is by nature a medley of people who are stretching and growing in a space that is built around trust, love and companionship. With every stretch will come a strain and a new challenge in how the family operates as a whole. When teachers set up their classrooms they are every conscious to provide special times where the students simply learn about each other and grow from what they learn. Teachers realise that the best learning comes from exploring each other through exposing them to challenges and opportunities. Accepting each other’s differences is a big part of growing as a team.
Consider the following thoughts on why relaxing more as a family with less constraints feeds the soul of the family:
Unstructured family time can lead to the children exercising their own imagination in what to do.
Don’t be afraid about doing nothing. It’s amazing how emptiness can quickly fill when children are involved.
By providing some quiet family time that is unstructured you are telling your children that it is legitimate and mentally healthy to simply be as a family without set agendas. The unchartered waters of unstructured family time can mean many things to different members of the family.
Provide a climate where children can visually see the possibilities of playing board games, reading, scrabble etc. Let them be the ones to choose how best to fill that family space. A home that is inviting to children is one that gives them opportunities to create and is easily accessible in many ways without obsessive controls.
Most busy families set priorities for the day. This enables routine and daily planning to run smoothly. This is all about being productive which can lead to feeling overwhelmed. Start thinking that a priority across the week is to simply plan for relaxed, unstructured family time where an element of peace is the goal. Sometimes late on a Sunday may be the best time. Build it in with as much authority as other major activities for the week. Let your children know that it has a significant role in the plan of the week and has substance.
Talk about this family time as important to you to simply have a presence with your children. In today's world there is instant gratification and immediate response as a sign of the times. It needs to be taught to your children that simply just hanging out together with no agenda or planned expectations is healthy and valued.
‘In every conceivable manner,
The family is the link to our past,
The Bridge to our future.’
-YourTango
Being a mum - something to think about
I have learnt some precious realities in watching mums raise a family, live with it and through it, suffer all the hardships, carry the weak moments and rise above the troubled spots. Now that’s being a mum!
Over the many years of being a principal and having such deep involvement with families, I have huge respect for the role women play as the mother in the family. Yes, it has a special place in everyone’s heart. I have learnt some precious realities in watching mums raise a family, live with it and through it, suffer all the hardships, carry the weak moments and rise above the troubled spots. Now that’s being a mum!
As a treat and a time to reflect on your importance and value, consider the following awareness that I have acquired watching and observing mothers over the years:
No matter how the days and weeks pan out, you are still a pivotal point in the life of your child. That is an absolute.
Across the day, a child thinks and talks about their mum quite often. Mums are very much part of their daily thinking in and out of school. Thoughts of their mums rarely leave their consciousness.
Have you ever seen how your child looks at you? Those powerful glances where they seek your approval and know that therein lies ultimate truth. They can rely on that truth.
When your child is annoyed or irritable with you, it is often because they don’t like the fallout with someone so precious in their life. Their balance is skewed and they want you front and centre in their consciousness.
Your journey with your child will have many roads and some a little challenging. Whatever the path, it is a journey that you share together and is precious to you both. Along the path, there will be troughs and smooth paths but together you will navigate the best route forward in rain and sunshine. Just follow that yellow brick road!
The unconditional love you have for your child has such incredible potential. Are there are many things where unconditional love is valued more? Your child knows this feeling and gains immense feelings of security and well-being from it.
Being a mum should be fun and even though it can express all the emotions from fatigue to anger, joy to sorrow, would you have it any other way? Try to build in more fun. Nothing happier than to see play and joy between mother and child.
That little individual you have given birth to will, one day independently take part fully in life. Your influence in this is immense and lasting. But remember if you hold onto their hands too long, they cannot come back to hug you.
Once a mum always a mum and then a grandmother and then just a powerful wisdom long lasting in the life of the family. What a treasure you become to so many overtime!
Your journey as a fully rounded individual must be attributed in part to being a mum. Think of all the lessons in life you have learnt since becoming a mother. Your rich sense of compassion, empathy, astuteness, selflessness etc. must have all been stimulated by what you have learnt along the way, especially during motherhood.
Finally, find time to celebrate your motherhood. Have a special bath, a glass of champagne, an extra run in the park, whatever makes you happy. You deserve it and thanks for helping to shape good mankind.
‘Being a mother is about learning about strengths you didn’t know you had.’
-Linda Wooten
What will your child remember about you?
What do our children really think about us? Are they aware of all our efforts? Do they remember the little details and the extra efforts we make over the years? What is their level of appreciation of us the parents?
As your child grows and the years swiftly move on you will notice that the things you say and what you do is quickly forgotten and replaced with new thoughts, plans and directions as a family. Do we fixate too much on the smaller details of each day? Time seems to work against us as we busily engage with our children over the years. They are preoccupied with years full of different agendas and the shifting demands that are placed on us. What do our children really think about us? Are they aware of all our efforts? Do they remember the little details and the extra efforts we make over the years? What is their level of appreciation of us the parents?
No matter what effort you made, your child will never forget how you made them feel about themselves. They will have images in their mind of how they felt in your presence and how you treated them and valued them as people. These are lasting images and will influence their longer term memories of their childhood and of your parenting. No pressure!
Think for a minute of your favourite teacher. What did you like about them? I am sure that how they treated you was a big part of your longer-term images of them.
The following thoughts may help you feel less pressured and happy in your own faith as an effective parent:
Little mistakes don’t really register in the longer term.
Being a parent with the best intentions is good enough. If things do not go perfectly as planned so be it. Children need to learn that disappointment is part of growing up.
Always watch the way and the intent of how you talk to your child. Be consistent in how you discuss matters. Changing tactics becoming angry etc. will unsettle your child.
Your child does not expect you to be perfect. In fact, they like your natural style and value your honesty when making a mistake. Such honesty and ease in apologising, reassures them that you are human and will be empathetic to their needs.
Whilst it is important to affirm them regularly, they also appreciate your honest appraisal of some of their activities. Listen to their concerns and be available for consultation when asked. Try to involve your child in as much decision making as possible. The more they feel part of the decisions, the more they engage and feel connected to the story.
In making your child feel good about themselves, you need to be honest and open with them. They deserve honesty and value your truth when at times it comes with disappointment and loss. What is a parent if it is not to rear and nurture a happy, healthy individual born from the experience of being a happy child?
Your disposition also has a strong influence on how your child feels and copes around you. The more they feel welcomed and find it easy to engage with you, the happier and more fulfilled they feel. It may seem strange but your style of parenting plays heavily on their sense of feeling valued and developing a healthy self-esteem.
Think about what your child says about their favourite teacher. It is interesting to hear what makes them happy in being around them. No surprise that it will be linked to how much they feel valued and can trust their teacher.
Finally, just relax and take stock of all the good ways in which you parent. Don’t be troubled by small stuff, but keep your eye on the ball which is the longer-term gain of having reared a happy child whose memories of childhood will be warm and comforting thanks to you!
‘A happy childhood is perhaps the most important gift in life.’
-Dorothy Richardson
Let’s teach our children to enjoy what they have and not seek out more
No easy task for parents who want to teach their children how to enjoy what they have rather than seeking out the next improved item. Read here for some examples of how to teach children to value what they have.
This is such a hard lesson when we live in a society that has so much. It is natural to want to give our children the very best of toys and games and of course the latest technological gadget. Fierce competition can exist between children when their peers seem to have the latest and the best.
No easy task for parents who want to teach their children how to enjoy what they have rather than seeking out the next improved item. We all seem to have a strong connection to stuff that we accumulate and of course of which we have sole ownership. Teaching our children to value what they have and to be less anxious about the next item to come along can be a difficult task.
Here are some thoughts to help in this area:
Demonstrate how you are less possessive with your material things and happy to share with others.
Perhaps you have prized old toys from your childhood. Talk about its value in travelling with you over the years.
If you are a conscious recycler, it is wonderful to teach your children all about how waste items in the house are recycled. This is a great teaching tool about why we recycle plastics etc.
From time to time, you may have clean outs in your child’s wardrobe. Talk about how they can be handed done to other children or sent to second hand shops to be reused. Hear it is all about developing in the child a desire to put new life into old items.
When sorting toys, especially with younger children, talk about how much enjoyment the child has got from them and ensure your child takes ownership for the care and storage of their toys. Once children value their stuff they are more inclined to want to enjoy them for longer.
Encouraging your child to play freely and use their imagination is a great way of relying less on toys.
Suggest that they make their own items of play. This can be a fun way to enjoy the spirit of play without the stimulus of highly stimulating toys.
We all have heard that having more makes us less interested in what we have, so teaching your child to reinvent their old toys into new forms of play can be a creative activity.
Giving children exposure to the great outdoors and can be as simple as the backyard is opening up new avenues of play. Why not encourage toys to be taken into the garden, relocated into the bathroom when old or simply rearranged to create a new look for the toys. It’s all about being creative and teaching how material goods can take on new meaning.
Your home is a perfect space to be showing the children how you manage the stuff that comes into your life. Your example when it comes to managing goods, collecting items etc., will have a strong influence on their developing perception of material goods. Especially how they are to be understood and managed.
The curriculum in most schools does cover recycling, major environmental impacts etc. Your child will learn about environmental sustainability which will support and complement how you manage such matters in the home.
Finally, your home is a great space in which to teach children about the value of goods such as toys, and books. It is about making conscious efforts to awaken in the child an awareness that the old can be new again.
‘When you choose to collect EXPERIENCES rather than Things, you’ll never run out of storage space.’
-Mum’s Little Explorer
A laugh a day can keep the blues at bay.
In all my time as a teacher and Principal, I always felt that classrooms filled with humour were happier and more enlivened spaces in which children could work and learn. ‘ Always find a reason to laugh. It may not add years to your life but will surely add life to your years.’ Anon.
In all my time as a teacher and Principal, I always felt that classrooms filled with humour were happier and more enlivened spaces in which children could work and learn. Over the years walking around classrooms and observing the environment I would say that classrooms, where humour was part of the daily routine, were successful environments in which the children performed admirably. Children felt more secure around happy teachers and knew that their light approach and positive disposition gave them the security they needed to be themselves. A home that provides a similar climate will be one in which children will feel the lightness and joy that permeates through the house. The anxious level drops and the feeling of joy rises.
Laughter definitely unites us. When you laugh with your child it makes for a stronger connection, one in which you both feel secure and share in the same experience. Note that even small babies use the smiling muscles and are a joy when smiling at the family.
Socially laughing with people says that you are comfortable and happy in each other’s company. A child can learn much from how you embrace friends with laughter and joy. Here you teach them that it is such a positive way to stay connected.
When engaging with your child, laughter can reduce the pressure of the moment and it can take the sting out of more intense moments. It can reframe the situation and give you a chance to start afresh in conversation. It is also a great momentary escape when you are in a tense situation and you need to break from that moment.
It is believed that biologically, laughter calms the brain and reduces the build-up of cortisol. In our world where we hear so much about the importance of mental health, laughter is recognised as a great mental health additive. Young children by their happy disposition teach us that laughter is a wonderful way to live. As an adult, it is easy to lose our sense of humour as we become weighed down by so many negative feelings and demands.
Look at your child, see how spontaneously they laugh. Note how simple things can be such a joy to them and they can see the funny side of situations before we can notice them. Their natural disposition to be funny and laugh can teach us so much. It is not something in which we are expected to grow away.
In working with children, it was always important to only talk to them about serious matters when I was in a good mood. This then dictated how I presented myself and it enabled the child to feel happier, less angry and more comfortable in conversations.
Think about how you enjoy a laugh. Is it present in your family? If so, it will lighten the load and strengthen mental well-being for all. It is a family tonic that revitalises everyone. A dose a day will go a long way.
‘ Always find a reason to laugh. It may not add years to your life but will surely add life to your years.’
Managing children’s behaviour.
The household should have clear rules and be a place where the child can see you, the parent, living by the standards you set for them. Here are some tips to help manage children’s behaviour at home.
There is much to say about this topic but this article is to simply give you a broadsheet, a quick summary of what helps in the area of better management at home.
Firstly and no surprise, a child needs to live in a home that is a positive space and at all times, friendly. Here the child needs to really feel at home and it is a safe place where they get lots of positive encouragement and praise for good behaviour. Teachers are similarly aware that providing such a climate in the classroom gives children a feeling of being valued and wanting to learn. There is nothing more enjoyable than seeing a happy classroom in action.
The household should have clear rules and be a place where the child can see you, the parent living by the standards you set for them. The home is an important place of modelling for parents. The rules and values you live by should be evident in the home and form a good example for your child.
The home should be a stable place and provide emotional and physical security for the child. Never underestimate that the home is a safe haven for your child as they grow and deal with outside shifting and challenging life matters. The home is a place of physical and mental respite and one in which a child can be themselves.
Setting up regular patterns such as mealtime, bedtimes and other routines are important and provide consistency for the child. Of course, you will get objections from time to time but such challenges are normal, especially as the child grows and sees other models outside the home. Just as they grow you also need to adjust and modify rules to suit your growing child. Here I specifically refer to the importance of being flexible.
Create a home environment where the child feels they have a voice and that you see them as a legitimate person with evolving opinions, ideas and values. Be inclusive in your conversations with them and they will learn to see themselves as valid family members. Their voice is important no matter what the age.
Teachers know that their classroom will generate much learning and stimulus if they provide an open and inviting style of classroom. They know that they need to be consistent and authentic to get the best from their class. It is amazing how such a climate can influence a child’s performance.
Finally, you will manage your child’s behaviour well if you are an approachable parent, a good listener, intuitive in what to challenge and in what to let go.
A wise parent knows that it is all about enabling your child to grow in different ways as opposed to overmanaging them.
‘There is no such thing as a perfect parent so just be a real one.’
Sue Atkins
The importance of getting support when needed
As parents, we simply don’t have all the answers. Just when we think we are on top of matters, our child surprises us with new challenges. It is mentally healthy to recognise that seeking help is an excellent response when needed.
As parents we simply don’t have all the answers. Just when we think we are on top of matters, our child surprises us with new challenges. They are growing all the time and with that growth comes new interests and new exposures to different experiences and challenges. We need to be ready and prepared as our parenting changes to accommodate our growing child.
It is mentally healthy to recognise that seeking help is an excellent response when needed.
Think about it for a moment. How you talk and parent a seven-year-old will be completely different to how you parent that child when turning fourteen. Who gives you the advice as your parenting needs to adjust to a child who is on the path to seeking independence and demanding personal space, independent thinking etc? This article is to remind you, the parent that seeking advice and help is a natural part of your ever evolving growth as a parent. You see we have to change as well as the child.
Sometimes we can develop irrational thoughts on seeking advice.
Negative thoughts could include:
If I cannot manage my child’s behaviour, I must be a failure as a parent. I don’t deserve that feeling when I try so hard.
If I am in control I would not be at loggerheads with my child and feel useless in managing their behaviour. Why do I have these feelings of inadequacy when it is my child who has behaviour problems?
I am embarrassed that I cannot manage my child and other people must consider me a bad parent.
Perhaps my child is really bad and I have done a poor job in rearing them. Perhaps it is my fault after all.
These irrational thoughts can steer us aware from seeking help.
When you seek help:
You demonstrate that you value education. The more you know, the more capable, calm and confident you are in understanding the situation for what it is. It is a sound thing for your child to see that you are keen to learn more about parenting.
It shows you care enough about your child to go beyond your own fears and seek others out for advice.
It also demonstrates that you can recognise that there is a problem and that independent support is to be valued and respected.
It shows your maturity in recognising that there are many ways to solve problems and using experienced support will be welcomed.
When seeking help consider places such as your local school and of course talking to your child’s teachers. They are wise enough to understand that home behaviour can be different from school.
Nowadays it is not difficult to look online for parental support and everything from psychologists to the local councils, welfare agencies etc. often run courses to help parents.
By engaging such support, you will:
Realise that your parenting is normal. There is no such thing as perfect parenting.
They will provide moral and emotional support.
They can help you work out a plan to address your concerns. Organisations can give you other networks to assist as well.
Above all consider:
It is normal to come across roadblocks in parenting. In fact, expect them from time to time. They are challenge points.
As children grow their needs change and this will naturally challenge your parenting.
It is mentally healthy to recognise that seeking help is an excellent response when needed.
Throughout your life as a parent, you are learning how to parent. It is not a static process and just like any form of learning we all need good teachers.
‘Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.’
-Charles R Swindoll
When home life changes
Family situations change through separation and divorce and children will feel this. The key point is to provide ongoing love, understanding, reassurance and stability in difficult times. Try to remember that whilst you are going through a personal crisis, there is no avoiding that your child will be experiencing emotionally charged times. Accept that you will need support and so to your child. Rely on family support and networks that will minimise some of the impacts.
We all know that personal assurance for children is so important in their life to give them a feeling of being safe and secure. However, life can sometimes interfere with the perfect journey of children from birth to adulthood. Life can change in an instant or it can be slow and a gradual relinquishing of feeling secure. Shock can enter the scene and some children have many facets of grief to work through over time. No reasonable adult wants this for their child but life can change and this will involve the children.
It is a natural consequence that their sense of security and well being will be affected. They will go through many emotions including:
Were they at fault?
What about feelings of being left alone?
Are they still really loved?
Feeling insecure and less capable individuals.
Their list goes on but overall, the child feels fragile and a great sense of loss.
The parent will be experiencing a mixture of feelings themselves and may rely on their children for emotional support. Feeling vulnerable as a parent means that emotional expectations will be high for the child.
Consider:
Always reassure the child that they are loved by both parents. It is most important to comment on both parents.
Reassure your child that the breakup was not of their doing. They are free of any responsibility. Keep reassuring your child about this fact as they can quickly slip into a belief that they caused it.
Keep home life stable as is possible. Make sure that the child knows exactly where when and with whom they are on each day. They will become quite anxious if there is instability and frequent change in this area. Even being on time for pickups is so important to offer reassurance to the child.
Remember that one on one time and quality listening time with your child is important while crisis is underway.
Let them talk and give them time to express themselves about what is on their mind. Often a child will go quiet when crisis hits. Best to keep the conversation flowing.
Behaviour can change as the child deals with their anxiety. Be tolerant and patient when you receive mixed messages from poor behaviour. School performance can suddenly drop off and interest in outside activities can diminish.
As adult emotions under crisis can be expressive, try not to criticise or talk badly about the individuals involved. A child listens and will be quite confused and talk less when there is unhealthy dialogue around people they love.
The key point is to provide ongoing love, understanding, reassurance and stability in difficult times. Try to remember that whilst you are going through a personal crisis, there is no avoiding that your child will be experiencing emotionally charged times. Accept that you will need support and so to your child. Rely on family support and networks that will minimise some of the impacts. All support is welcome.
‘In family crisis, parents have the opportunity to show children not to fear life uncertainties but to meet them head on Together, strengthened by unity.’
-Elle C Mayberry
Consider avoiding confrontation where possible.
As children grow older, you may find it better to avoid confrontations and find different ways to amend the situation. This is easier said than done sometimes. Here is some advice from Gail Smith, The Primary Years.
As children grow older, you may find it better to avoid confrontations and find different ways to amend the situation. Confrontation can be a damaging process for all involved. This is also about being proactive where possible. The less confrontation you have, the better you feel and the overall happiness of the house is maintained. More conflict or the anticipation of potential conflict makes for an unhappy situation.
If your child is inclined to be confronting you about requests you make, consider temporarily delaying the discussion until they are more inclined to listen and work with you over the matter. Finding the right time for both parent and child can make such a difference to the outcome.
Also plan ahead. If you anticipate that your child will react to your request have early discussions about what you expect and how you will help your child reach those goals. Set the scene so that it is not such a big surprise later.
Give your child choices. For example, ‘It is important to clean up the room so that you can go to basketball training’. Make it a clear statement that one action leads to the other. Your child might create their own choices that work for both of you.
Some children need you to be very specific and say it as it is. Without clear directions and consequences, it is difficult for the child to grasp the extent of the problem. Of course, from time to time it is important to sit quietly and actively listen to how they feel about a range of matters. Children who can be confrontational need frequent discussions as they are often quick to be reactive and need your gentle listening skills to understand how they deal with frustration.
In working with children who were quick to be confrontative, it took some time to build a relationship and get them to trust that you were a listener and understood how they felt. They needed to feel reassured that you were not quick to react when you heard things that might make you unsettled. Far too often quick to react children are labelled trouble makers and they often fit that pattern and become easily labelled. Bad experiences beget bad experiences.
Sometimes parents like setting up contracts with children. I am not a great fan of this method but it can work if both parents and child feel comfortable about the process. Don’t forget to affirm your child when they honour the contract. It is most important here that they feel recognised.
‘I statements’ are a clear message to the child about how you feel and don’t forget the wonderful effect of positive ‘I’ statements.
‘I really appreciate you cleaning up the yard and now we can find more time to play together. That contract really works.’
Above all understand that confrontation is sometimes necessary. However, with careful planning, strong effective listening and an empathetic approach to your child, the impact of confrontation is reduced.
‘Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.’
-Dorothy Thomas
How to deal with giving consequences for problem behaviour
I totally dislike the word Punishment. It has such dark and serious connotations and for a child it can be quite overwhelming when they hear there will be punishment for bad actions. How about saying there will be some consequences for poor behaviour. Here are some important aspects of dealing with problem behaviour that should be understood when managing negative behaviour with children.
I totally dislike the word Punishment. It has such dark and serious connotations and for a child it can be quite overwhelming when they hear there will be punishment for bad actions. How about saying there will be some consequences for poor behaviour.
Does your child know what they did wrong and who was hurt as a result of poor behaviour?
When a child receives affirmation and positive consequences for a job well done, it is logical that when behaviours are negative, some form of negative consequences can be given.
Here are some important aspects of dealing with problem behaviour that should be understood when managing negative behaviour with children.
Always be clear in articulating what the problem was, as often children are not sure why they are being given consequences. Sometimes an emotionally charged child will not hear what you have to say, so repeating is sometimes important.
Remember that you are upset about the poor behaviour and not the child. It is a fact that children can think that you don’t like them, when in fact it is the behaviour you do not like.
Response to poor behaviour should be as immediate as possible. The waiting game for consequences loses its value and can be upsetting unnecessarily for the child.
Be consistent. If you give a consequence, then follow it through. A child can be very confused and anxious if you plan consequences but don’t follow through.
Always affirm the child after the consequences.
‘I appreciate how quickly you cleaned your room after you were told. I love how responsible you can be when we need to deal with matters.’
Small consequences can be highly effective and deal with the matter quickly. If you find that you are giving far too many consequences it might be time for a rethink as to what is going wrong. Perhaps a good time for some active listening with your child to hear their concerns.
Only use consequences that are reasonable and proportional to the poor behaviour. Sometimes a child is not actually aware that the behaviour is poor and you may need to talk to them about what upset you.
Children are more inclined to accept the consequences of their actions if they understand what they did was wrong and especially if they understand who was hurt as a result. Never presume they have the full wisdom behind their actions and they need your support in explaining why it was wrong and who is affected.
Watch the tone of your voice when giving consequences. Remain calm and stable with a voice that is not too loud or intimidating. Such reactive behaviour is all about exerting power over the child which ultimately fails as a parenting tool.
As the main role model for the developing child, what you teach them about appropriate and inappropriate behaviour will very much reflect your values. Therefore, you have a major role in teaching and modelling positive behaviour which has such an impact on your child.
‘Children need love especially when they do not deserve it.’
-Harold Hubert
Dealing with the put downs
Nobody likes being put down. Children especially can begin to see putdowns as something they deserve or an indication that they are not worthy to be given credibility. No matter how we avoid them they often come our way, subtly or more directly.
If a child takes an aggressive response to the put down, the problem can quickly escalate. When the child responds by passively giving in and not responding, they can build resentment and this behaviour does not stop the put downs from coming their way. The best response is for a child to be assertive, expressing themselves in a way that clearly tells the offender that their behaviour was unacceptable. This assertive way of responding does not put the other person down which further shows maturity on the part of the child being put down.
The best way to be assertive is to state it clearly.
“I am upset that you speak that way. I find it offensive.”
“I am disappointed in your words. They are quite hurtful.”
“I don’t like the way you talk to me. It’s quite inappropriate.”
These responses are about informing the offender that their words are offensive. In no way does it seek retribution, but it puts the offender on notice that their words were not to be tolerated.
It is also about looking the offender in the eye, being clear in your speech and showing confidence in the way you calmly rebuff their accusations. This is about developing emotional maturity which helps the child respond in ways that give them a sense of being in control. As the parent you can help your child show assertiveness by the following:
Give the example of being assertive yourself when you feel spoken to or treated poorly.
Teach your child to use the “I” statement. Get them to practise them….
“I am disappointed when…”
“I am unhappy when…”
“I do not like your behaviour when…”
Once the child becomes familiar with using this language, they have a quick and effective way of responding to the person putting them down. The more they use it, the stronger they feel.
Discuss times when you used assertive approaches in your life and how you felt afterwards.
From time to time tap in with them in relation to how they feel about themselves when others speak poorly to them. Sometimes frequent and subtle put downs can build up considerable feelings of being bullied. Ignoring put downs can also encourage the offender to keep on with the attack.
In a classroom, it is common practice that teachers will role model how to be assertive and encourage children to use language that works. Whilst still taking responsibility when they see a child bullying another, they will still teach the offended child to be assertive to prevent future attacks and to recognise when words used are unacceptable.
The teacher will also instruct the child using an “I” statement to state clearly the reasons for the upset.
“I am angry when you laugh at my new glasses.”
“I feel very upset when you laugh at my stutter.”
Teachers will also encourage children to recognise when a put down is unacceptable. Accepting and tolerating put downs requires a maturity to determine the intent.
However, should put downs become unmanageable then adult intervention should take place. Take care to know when this is necessary as prolonged and unmanaged putdowns can turn into severe bullying.
Finally, you the parent through your own experiences can model when a put down is not acceptable. Your understanding of your child’s sensitivity and emotional maturity should give you the guidance to teach them how to be assertive and in control at any age.
“Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”
How disappointed do we really feel?
It is certainly easy to feel disappointed with so many things that appear in life. Our children will from time to time let us down. They will be growing in their own way and will take directions that may disappoint us. This article is to invite us to reflect on those disappointments, which if left to fester, can cause major upsets and breaking down of trust and relationships with our child.
The following thoughts invite us to look at disappointments more realistically and give them a place that is manageable and reasonable.
Consider what kind of personality you have as this can reflect how you respond when disappointed and how tolerant you are in different situations. If you are a perfectionist, there will be many things that your child does that will disappoint you. If you are more relaxed, you will not notice certain behaviours that can be seen as disappointing by others. Of course, there are many variations within our personalities and if you are aware of your own tolerance level, this will help you cope better with some disappointments. After all, disappointment is about ourselves feeling displeased. The question is do disappointments worry others? It is quite a personal feeling.
Put things into perspective. When you get disappointed with your child, remember that they are only a child and things will pass. Time moves quickly around busy, growing children.
Watch your anger levels. If you are too quick to respond, consider if it is proportional to the problem. Can you manage your anger levels?
Be alert to the situations that will disappoint you with your child. Are there some issues you can just let go? Can you prevent disappointing situations from happening? Are you able to simply walk away and allow the disappointing feeling to dissipate? Do you hold on to disappointments?
Remember not to harbour the disappointment. Once the matter is dealt with, moving on quickly with children is important.
Take care that when you wish to express your disappointment to your child, remember to express it in terms they will understand.
“I am so upset that you broke the vase. It belonged to my grandmother.”
Teachers understand that when they become disappointed with a child’s behaviour, once it is dealt with, they need to move on in relationship quickly. This reassures the child that the bond between them is strong and unbroken. Often, the teacher will ensure that they affirm them for something positive soon after the event to give the child a small boost back to normal. This helps to keep fuelling the normal relationship and it is sound advice also for parents.
If you find that you seem to be having frequent disappointments, take stock of the situation. Is your child in the best zone with you? Maybe you need some time out together or perhaps less concentrated time together. Too many disappointments happening frequently can only lead to deepening damage in the relationship and a longer recovery.
Finally, it is natural to have disappointments with our child. It is also natural and appropriate that a child would understand that they have disappointed you. What is necessary is to keep everything in proportion, remembering that you are dealing with a child’s problem and that it will generally pass.
“No expectations, no disappointments.”
How to deal with outbursts of anger.
Let’s consider the age of the child for this matter. Younger children when they have fits of rage are often expressing disappointments etc. with very little language and so, to them, having a full-on outburst is their way of sending out very loud messages that their needs are not being met. When such an outburst occurs and it is a high one, there is little you can do at the time, other than keep the child safe and wait! Sounds useless but once a child is in an uncontrollable state no logic, nor reasonable conversation will be heard. The child is simply zoned out. Their emotions have taken over and they are not capable of responding to your pleas. When they have calmed down and you feel that they are more in control, than that is the time to simply say:
‘You have been so upset; something is making you feel that way.’
Gentle conversation and listening to their concerns are now the best time to discuss what happened. Keep in mind with some children, they may not fully understand how unsettled they became during the crisis and they may need some emotional chill out time to really calm down. Common practice at school when a child was out of control was to keep them safe in a room and simply wait until they calmed down. Teachers know that high order emotions are not a time to discuss problems.
When older children have an outburst of anger, care must be taken to ensure they are safe. This is always the first priority. Once again whilst they are in a severely distressed state, there is little you can do, except be patient. Offer no criticism, just reassuring words. Accept that this is not a time to talk about the problem. Allow time for the child to calm down and take care even then about discussing the matter at hand. Some parents may choose to say:
‘Something has really upset you and when you feel ready, I would like to talk to you about it.’
Remember the following important points when there are serious outbursts of anger.
Time out to calm down is the best and most effective response.
When you talk to your child later about the outburst, keep in mind that they may not actually think the outburst was such a problem. When you are out of control, you are not aware on what is disturbed and unsettled around you.
You may be quite upset about the outburst. You may also be angry that the outburst was such a disturbance. Take care not to be carrying any of this hostility around when talking about the outburst. Choose your time well.
Once the outburst is over, you may find your child quite tired as a lot of energy goes into these outbursts. Be prepared to allow some time for your child to mentally rest from the experience.
An outburst, depending on the age of the child, can be about a little matter, but it could also be about a matter that they simply cannot resolve any other way. When talking about the outburst, take care not to understate the importance to the child.
Often with young children, they cannot express themselves well. Their language and ability to process thoughts are limited and so the outburst is one way of drawing attention to themselves. Take care not to be too disciplinarian about the outburst as it is for them a means of expressing themselves. Older children, who use outbursts, are more a concern as generally, they choose to be emotional in a public way, rather than use language and other means to help them. Such children need careful support to strengthen their ability to communicate their messages better.
Keep in mind that if you demonstrate in your own life that outbursts are your way of coping with stress, you are telling your child that this behaviour is acceptable.
Above all, keep in mind that outbursts are about sending us a message of being unhappy. Our parental job is to gently decipher the problem after the outbursts have passed when we observe that the child is in a better space to listen. This of course may be more about their time rather than ours. Patience is needed.
“The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways.”
Curiosity boosts learning
Einstein was a famous one for telling everyone that without curiosity learning does not grow. He would argue that without his insatiable attitude for being curious he would not have made his discoveries about the universe.
By nature, children are curious. We see this in the young child who will explore everything in front of them. As the child grows, also grows a level of caution, it’s natural. As parents, we monitor what is safe and not so safe when it comes to being curious. This blog is to remind parents that curiosity can come in so many ways. Our role is to encourage it and to invite our children to explore the world through different lenses, understanding that within each lens, different perceptions develop.
To some degree developing curiosity is linked to developing independence and as the parents give the child more freedom, they begin to explore the world in their own way without boundaries. They experiment with more freedom and this will come with mistakes and success. In order to build curiosity in our children the following thoughts may help:
A child can be curious in many ways that can be as simple as learning to cook, playing in the sandpit, studying recipes etc. through to learning about planets. The range is big, or small and is everywhere.
The more we don’t give immediate answers but invite more questions, the child’s curiosity grows.
“Look at that beetle. I wonder why it goes in and out of the rock?”
More questions beget more questions and so the probing goes deeper, the perceptions alter and alternative thinking develops strengthening and feeding our creative disposition. Here critical thinking begins.
When the child sees that you enjoy being curious, they learn that the experience will be enjoyable for them and they can ask questions freely. Just giving answers does not excite the imagination and shuts down all creativity.
When you listen to the news or read something of interest, use these occasions to discuss the curious nature of the article or news item. Children will soon learn that you invite conversations with them to learn more and enjoy the discussion together. This, to you, is seen as an effective way to work through issues, problems or simply to gain knowledge.
This is a time when asking “why” a perfect way to invite curiosity. Children prefer this rather than straight answers. We are not always the bearer of all information, but we can be the bearer of many questions to explore different ways of looking at things.
If your child knows that you will invite them into being curious, rather than just providing an answer, they will be more inclined to approach you with interesting thoughts and ideas. A child is naturally attracted to questioning, rather than just knowing the answer.
Schools are actively teaching a method that invites gaining knowledge through asking questions. Your child, if at school age, will be familiar with this process, which to them is a natural form of learning. Talk to your child’s teacher to learn more about the Inquiry approach to learning.
When you ask questions, rather than give an immediate response, you are telling your child that there could be many ways of looking at something. This is encouraging the child to see everything from various lenses. It presupposes that having a go and reflecting on different answers is not about making mistakes, but rather seeking out the truth and thinking with an open mind and being a critical thinker.
“What road do I take?”
“Well, where are you going?”
“I don’t know.”
“Then it doesn’t matter if you don’t know where you are going. Any road will get you there.”
Take care with words spoken
In the heat of the moment, we can say all sorts of things in all sorts of ways. Our mood and temper can often dictate how and what we say in front of our children. We have a liberty with speech which can work for us or against us. There are times when we may need to speak with more definition and there are more relaxed times when we can simply talk with ease, spontaneously and in comfort. Whatever our style of communication through speech, this article is to remind us that it is a powerful tool for the force of good and evil in our relationships.
Often words sharply spoken cannot easily be retracted. When we speak with our children, it is best to remember that they are listening carefully for the intention and will cautiously listen for reinforcing words and a calm style. The words make all the difference to how they will respond.
Here are a few thoughts to keep our speech in check when around our children.
Remember to think before you speak. This is particularly important when you are feeling unsettled or in a situation that could lead to speaking out of turn. Sometimes in the rush of speaking we can lose sight of what we are really saying.
Create space. This means take some time out before speaking if you think you are inclined to say careless things that you will regret later. In this case, silence is golden.
Use language that is age appropriate for your child and take care not to intimidate with strong, overpowering words that can have various meanings. Such is a form of intimidation. Simple language is the best, especially if you have some important messages to get across to your child.
Remember to use words that clearly talk about what you want to say. Children can easily miss the content of what you say through the words you use, the speed of talking and the intonation used. Don’t allow your words to become a destructive tool but rather a building block for strong relationships.
Reflect from time to time if you have used words that affirm and reinforce your child. This is a reminder to your child that they are valued and that you are keen to publicly talk about them in a positive way. Everyone from time to time enjoys hearing about themselves in a positive way. The positive use of words strengthens communication and give a clear message of wanting to engage with someone.
If you are feeling disappointed and need to talk to your child about some behavioural concern, think about how you will say it and what words you will use that are balanced and suitable for the situation. Speaking too quickly without having our mind ahead of our mouth can be damaging for the relationship.
Finally, the words we use on a daily basis, say a lot about ourselves. They are the tools that inform others about how we wish to engage and participate in life. They are a force to drive people away or to bring them closer. Our children understand very clearly that the way words are presented to them is the clear traffic lights of their relationship. Flash onto green whenever possible.
“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”
Teaching your children to be planners
Organisation is always a challenge for children as they grow. Also, as parents, some of us are less organised people in planning events etc. It’s just in our nature how we approach planning. This article tells us that planning can be learnt, which is so beneficial for children’s success in self-management. The earlier they value being a planner, the more they gain through being organised and in control of what they are doing.
Taking time to plan something well shows that a person is making choices about how they want to be in control of their actions. They come to understand that they will have more successful outcomes by being a planner. Planning well gives you a vision into what you are expecting as an outcome. To be productive is to plan well. For example, if you plan your trip well for the school holidays you feel reassured that it will be successful and that you have a clear understanding of what to expect. There are fewer unfortunate surprises.
There are developing skills in learning to plan well and children will get better at it and more accurate in their planning, reading situations better etc. as time goes. They will make mistakes but grow in confidence about sharpening the planning process.
Teachers know that planning their lessons well is the key to the quality of teaching. Without effective well-planned lessons, teachers easily lose control of the outcomes. They understand that the quality of their planning will impact a child’s learning.
Read here to help your child be a dedicated planner.
They are also keen to teach children the importance of planning and when assignments are on the agenda, teachers will spend considerable time with children discussing their plan. Sometimes pieces of work are marked on the quality of the planning demonstrated by a child.
When we teach our children to plan important events etc., they begin to value the process of planning as a way of managing their world and feel in control. They are setting the directions themselves. Once they feel the success of their planning, children will want more control of their actions.
Here are some thoughts on helping your child become a dedicated planner.
Demonstrate to your child how you plan for important events, occasions etc. Allow them to share in some of this planning. Is planning an important part of your work life?
There are various ways to plan and everyone develops their own style. Talk about what tools you use to help you plan. For example, are you someone who takes notes?
Do you plan your events on a computer? Do you revisit the plan?
What resources do you use in planning?
When your child talks about important events that they will participate in, talk about what plans they have in place to make it successful.
When planning we all need time for this and talk to your children about how much time they will give to the planning process.
Talk about successes you have had from careful planning. It is also worthwhile to talk about the trial and error in planning. This is also an important process we go through before discernment.
A wise person sees planning as a natural part of putting order and structure into their world. Teaching our children, the value of planning gives them an important tool in guiding their directions with personal satisfaction and confidence.
“‘Good teaching is more a giving of right questions than a giving of right answers.’
-Josef Albers”
What is your cause and how do we pass it on to our children?
To some degree, this is all about ethics. It is about our ability to have beliefs and stick by them through our words and actions. Every day we are modelling our beliefs to our children. They are quick to observe how we live out those beliefs and especially if we are consistent with such beliefs… No pressure!
Their observations give them an insight into what we value and are prepared to live by. For example, if you have a particular faith that you live by, are you consistent in its practice? Do your causes play a big role in the life of the family or are they just personal causes that you live by? Either way, they will influence your child directly and indirectly.
For example, the environmental issues of the day have captured the minds and hearts of the youth. Do you live with a cause to being environmentally friendly? If so, are you living out your values and sharing them with your family? The agenda of environmental impact is a wonderful and current cause in which to work with your children.
This blog is simply to remind us that we are great influencers of our children who keenly watch what we value and how we demonstrate honesty and consistency to our causes. Little eyes are always watching and observing to see if our words and actions are aligned.
In a school setting, children are aware that causes are an important part of the world of teachers and the school community. They expect, nay, demand from their teacher’s, consistency in their actions and values. If their teacher is not consistent in their causes, such as the belief of working hard, being consistent and planning well, they lose respect and their interest in following that teacher’s directions falls away.
As a principal in working with children they knew that I had a strong cause to engage with them and listen. If my listening dropped off, so too did their interest in chatting about matters that affected them. I suddenly became much less credible in their eyes.
When we are honest to our cause, children no matter how negative they feel to our beliefs, respect our efforts in honouring what is important to us. When they see consistency and dedication to our mission, they are more inclined to respect our efforts even though at times we fail.
Your causes will influence your child directly and indirectly.
Consider:
Do you have causes that are visibly displayed and lived out at home? It is valuable articulating the causes that are important to you.
Do these causes have a big impact on how you parent?
Reflect on the message you are giving to your child about what and how you value that cause.
Our children need to see how ethical we are as parents. Do I clearly articulate to my child what is important to me?
As a family discuss the many and varied global causes that are in today’s world. This gives you a chance to talk about how passionate people become with important causes. Perhaps your child has a strong interest in some cause or is developing a passion that can blossom into a full-blown cause. This sets them on a mission to learn and do more.
If your child is demonstrating a strong interest in some cause, it is worth teasing that out and inviting your child to reflect on how to support and strengthen that developing purpose and passion. Be open to a different understanding that with each generation comes a new interpretation of what the world values.
Remember from little seeds big things grow.
“Tell me and I’ll forget. Teach me and I’ll learn.”
Teaching our children to take on responsibility
This is all about giving them gradual independence to manage themselves. As they grow in independence they will certainly come across situations where they are uncomfortable, exposed to failure and feel generally unsatisfied with their efforts. These are all-natural feelings. Sometimes as parents we think by taking the responsibility away from them, they will have less pain and besides what if they make a mistake? How will they feel?
As the child grows in independence, they also grow in taking on their own responsibility for things. This teaches them to own the situation. There is much satisfaction with a child when they start to take responsibility. This gives them a sense of self-worth and a feeling of growing up as a real person. There is nothing more enriching than having that feeling of making decisions yourself.
Our role as parents is to support this gradual development and watch with joy our young one taking on responsibility.
Teachers know that in order for children to learn effectively they need to take ownership of their learning. During the school day, teachers will provide situations where children will make informed decisions on what they learn and how they learn. At parent-teacher interviews, there is nothing more satisfying for a parent than to hear that their child is a responsible learner. This has come about by gradually learning to take risks and to make responsible choices for themselves.
Teachers know that success only comes from accepting responsibility.
You will be amazed how small opportunities to take on responsibility will increase self-esteem once they are successful in showing responsibility.
Consider the following thoughts to build stamina in your child with regard to taking on responsibility:
Consider your own life situation. Are you a person that models responsibility and ownership of situations? Talk to your child about why this has been important to you over the years.
Do you have a list of chores at home that your child must do as part of the family routine? Could these chores grow in responsibility as the child gets older and demonstrates their growing strength in this area?
If you are having a holiday, get your child involved in the planning and being responsible for certain duties. Perhaps they take ownership of packing their bags, researching venues etc.
Talk about the responsibility of doing tasks at school. We know that leadership develops in children who show strong skills in being responsible. School captains are chosen from those children who demonstrate strong skills in being responsible. Teachers frequently set up monitors in classrooms on a rotation basis giving children responsibilities to manage.
Talk about how you value your child’s growing awareness and interest in taking on responsibility. Take care not to rescue your child too soon after disaster strikes as this will only disengage your child from taking on responsibility. It also delays any further interest in being responsible.
For those children reticent to be independent, give them small opportunities to be independent. You will be amazed how this will grow once they are successful in showing responsibility.
We live in a world where the safety of our children is paramount and to this end, I can understand how we are cautious parents in giving them too much responsibility and independence early.
I would argue that with gradual responsibility being handed to them, they are stronger and more confident young people. They are more observant of life around them when being responsible for themselves. They confidently and intuitively show skill in navigating their way around difficult situations and are much happier in themselves being in control.
“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”
Understanding how boys learn
This is such a big topic and, in some circles, quite controversial. Basing it on my observations and speaking to teachers over the years there is a clear difference in how our boys learn. Some schools do considerable professional development in this area to guide their work in the classroom. However, experienced teachers will tell you that how a boy learns in most cases is very different from a girl.
When parents brought in their pre-schooler to talk about starting school, it was evident at that early age that children had a clear sense of who they were and what they preferred to play with. No surprise the girls wanted to draw and the boys gravitated around building blocks. There are arguments that suggest that at a very early age, preconceptual ideas of gender are formed and both boys and girls will have already learnt about society’s expectations on them. This article is not to discuss the bias that is placed on gender formation, but rather to remind boys parents that there are certainly important factors to consider if a boy is to learn well. These ideas are not exclusive to boys alone but are my observations of boys learning over many years.
“I realise that despite my tiredness, my son has the most fun when I do things his way…
Wild and loud. Go Big or go home.”
Consider:
A boy will tune into learning if it attracts them. Providing lessons that are highly stimulating and interactive is a winner with the boys. This tells us that providing boys with short sharp experiences often is attractive to their learning style.
Boys can distract easily if disinterested. Once distracted, they are hard to bring back to the core of the lesson. Teachers have the challenge of providing short sharp focus time to keep them engaged. Understandably at home when you lose their attention, it can be quite a task to bring them back to focus. Perhaps try not getting angry too quickly, but rather understand that it is the nature of boys.
Intermittent sport across the school day is a great way of keeping the brain active and the boys engaged. I always found longer lessons were not as successful for the younger boys. In lockdown I am sure families found less pressure after short bursts of playing outside.
In many cases boys can find learning to read, a harder process to learn. This can also apply to writing. Teachers have to think carefully when encouraging boys to write. The more abstract the concept, the less absorbed they become. When younger, they need very tangible experiences with writing especially. Reading also needs careful selection of books, as often fantasy is not their interest. Stories that are concrete and tangible are more their choice.
Keeping the boys engaged in lessons is the skill of the teacher. Care is always taken to be inclusive and tolerant of different ways that a boy can present themselves in a classroom.
Providing activities that are tangible and concrete can really stimulate a boy’s learning. This is where problem solving in a class can be a highly sort out activity. Boys can very competitive and sport, games etc. is an excellent way to keep their energy levels satisfied.
Sometimes boys take a little longer to form their letter formation well and to write uninhibited. Slow, gentle encouragement is important here. Giving boys small objects to play with helps with motor skills. Of course, using Lego is a well-chosen activity for boys who like to build, create, design and to see something tangibly grow in their hands.
As a parent, try not to jump in too quickly to correct and discipline boys. They need time to process and you need to be sure they understand what you have to say. Perhaps there is some truth in that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
Boys value fairness and justice. They are quick to temper but from my observations they will forgive and move on with more speed than most girls. Mateship, connection and loyalty to friends plays a very big part in their life.
The above simply highlights some features of boys which I have observed over the years. Parenting does require really understanding your child, being tolerant when necessary and encouraging where possible. As a role model, boys need to experience the full spectrum of positive values (love, compassion, empathy in parenting etc). Never underestimate the need to be gentle and fair in working with your son.
A great memory I keep is that one day two boys were sent to me for discipline. When I started talking to the boys they immediately wanted a negotiation.
“Look Mrs Smith it’s like this. We have made up now and we are friends. There is a footy game outside and we want to join in now. Can we do our consequences tomorrow?”
No surprises there were no consequences!