Catching good behaviour isn’t that difficult
How often do we reward our children in spontaneous ways? Do we notice the various spontaneous occasions that can be rewarded and often through different ways?
Never underestimate the value of the positive words you use with your children. There is a clever way of getting even smarter with words and that is by picking up on spontaneous positive moments you notice.
We certainly are quick to notice the behaviour that troubles us. We have an immediate reaction to stop it and deal with the matter which is annoying us. How often do we reward our child in spontaneous ways? Do we notice the various spontaneous occasions that can be rewarded and often through different ways?
Never underestimate the value of the positive words you use with your children. There is a clever way of getting even smarter with words and that is by picking up on spontaneous positive moments you notice.
‘You certainly have good manners. Thanks for passing the bread so quickly.’
‘I love the way you close the care door gently. It is good manners.’
‘I notice how you listen to your friends when they tell you, their stories. You are a very empathetic person.’
‘What a gentleman. You carried the groceries in to the kitchen.’
‘How happy you make me when I see how you care for your little brother.’
‘Thanks for picking up the mess. I am just too tired.’
‘You are such a fair person when you play games. You always share with the other person.’
Note that all the above are incidental statements that can be said on the run. The trick is to notice behaviour at a deeper level and comment on how they impact on you or are just simply noticed qualities you admire. The use of good language is important. Sometimes we forget to praise behaviour that is actually building emotional maturity. This involves affirming their generosity, kindness to others, empathy to children. If you think about today’s experiences, were there occasions where you could have simply noticed something you like about your child?
Once a child realises that you notice and appreciate them in different forms, they are more inclined to repeat that behaviour. What you notice about them is how you define them. Their sense of how they are valued comes from how you treat them and especially the words you use to describe them.
There are many ways to listen to your child and one special way is to affirm them in subtle ways. You are listening to their rhythm of life and celebrating what makes them special.
‘Affirm people. Affirm your children. Believe in them, not in what you see but in what you don’t see. their potential.’
-Stephen R Covey
Respect the difference each child brings to the family
Each child brings something different to the family. Each child is an individual and should be parented as an individual. Here are some thoughts on the matter from Gail Smith, The Primary Years.
How often do we hear ourselves uttering how different our children are?
We often ask the question,
‘How can they be so different and yet they come from the same family?’
‘Why is my second child so different in temperament to my first child?’
‘Where did I get these children from?’
So many confused and challenging thoughts go through our minds when we reflect on the often-profound differences we see in our children.
There is a different mixture of genes in each child and this will provide a variety of personalities, physical differences, etc. Also, each child has different experiences in the same family especially given their order in the family. They will often see the same situation in a completely different way.
Talk to the first child and they will tell you about expectations placed on them. Sometimes a second child takes more risks and is not so uptight and focussed on perfections. And so, the variation goes on.
What we need to keep in mind is that each child is an individual and will expect to be treated as an individual with understanding and empathy to their special temperament. Treating all children, the same may not always work.
Have you noticed that when you have your second child your parenting changes and this means that your second child will be treated slightly differently? There are multiple variations in how we parent over time and this is all part of the shifting tapestry of family over the years.
Consider:
How you parent should and will be different for all your children.
Children who tend to be active, unsettled and strong willed will require more attention and parenting will need to be focussed with lots of understanding and boundaries.
Celebrate their differences. Make it clear to all the family that you love their differences and that each one is a special individual. This is important as sibling rivalry can easily start up when differences are highlighted in a negative way.
Sometimes more demanding children will need more of your attention. This is normal and can sometimes make parents anxious that they are not giving enough time to quieter, less troubled children. You are human and can only spread yourself so far. It is just a fact that some children need you more. It happens in all families.
Tap into each child at a special one-on-one time. A child loves this time and it helps them feel personally connected to you.
A child loves their one-on-one time with you the parent and also, they love their connected time with siblings. Try and provide a balance so that the family enjoy stable happy times together where their individualism is still given room to grow. The more we acknowledge their differences, the greater symmetry you have as a family and the more understanding for each other is expressed.
‘Kids don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember who you are.’
-Jim Henson
Consider avoiding confrontation where possible.
As children grow older, you may find it better to avoid confrontations and find different ways to amend the situation. This is easier said than done sometimes. Here is some advice from Gail Smith, The Primary Years.
As children grow older, you may find it better to avoid confrontations and find different ways to amend the situation. Confrontation can be a damaging process for all involved. This is also about being proactive where possible. The less confrontation you have, the better you feel and the overall happiness of the house is maintained. More conflict or the anticipation of potential conflict makes for an unhappy situation.
If your child is inclined to be confronting you about requests you make, consider temporarily delaying the discussion until they are more inclined to listen and work with you over the matter. Finding the right time for both parent and child can make such a difference to the outcome.
Also plan ahead. If you anticipate that your child will react to your request have early discussions about what you expect and how you will help your child reach those goals. Set the scene so that it is not such a big surprise later.
Give your child choices. For example, ‘It is important to clean up the room so that you can go to basketball training’. Make it a clear statement that one action leads to the other. Your child might create their own choices that work for both of you.
Some children need you to be very specific and say it as it is. Without clear directions and consequences, it is difficult for the child to grasp the extent of the problem. Of course, from time to time it is important to sit quietly and actively listen to how they feel about a range of matters. Children who can be confrontational need frequent discussions as they are often quick to be reactive and need your gentle listening skills to understand how they deal with frustration.
In working with children who were quick to be confrontative, it took some time to build a relationship and get them to trust that you were a listener and understood how they felt. They needed to feel reassured that you were not quick to react when you heard things that might make you unsettled. Far too often quick to react children are labelled trouble makers and they often fit that pattern and become easily labelled. Bad experiences beget bad experiences.
Sometimes parents like setting up contracts with children. I am not a great fan of this method but it can work if both parents and child feel comfortable about the process. Don’t forget to affirm your child when they honour the contract. It is most important here that they feel recognised.
‘I statements’ are a clear message to the child about how you feel and don’t forget the wonderful effect of positive ‘I’ statements.
‘I really appreciate you cleaning up the yard and now we can find more time to play together. That contract really works.’
Above all understand that confrontation is sometimes necessary. However, with careful planning, strong effective listening and an empathetic approach to your child, the impact of confrontation is reduced.
‘Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.’
-Dorothy Thomas
Who has rights in the family?
Everybody has rights in a family. No one is excluded from having rights, no matter what age or disposition. When we reflect more deeply on this, it can help us put things into perspective. Often, we can be overwhelmed by our role as parents and unsure about our rights in that role. We can sometimes wonder about the vulnerability of our children and what part we play in making them secure.
Everybody has rights in a family. No one is excluded from having rights, no matter what age or disposition. When we reflect more deeply on this, it can help us put things into perspective. Often, we can be overwhelmed by our role as parents and unsure about our rights in that role. We can sometimes wonder about the vulnerability of our children and what part we play in making them secure. Where do we draw the lines of responsibility and accountability?
A child has a right to be physically nurtured and this includes providing food, shelter, emotional security, etc. They also have a right to grow up feeling safe and secure. This safety is all about physical, sexual and emotional safety.
A child also has a right to be educated and intellectually stimulated bringing them to an independent, happy adult. These rights sound practical and logical but we all know that there is deprivation in some situations. As a responsible parent, it is comforting and reassuring to know that you are honouring what is an expectation from society.
From time to time, as a parent, it can be frustrating when you feel that acting in a strict controlling way may be reducing their liberties. Are you treating your child in an appropriate manner? Is it acceptable for me to control punishments and cause unhappiness?
The best advice here is:
If you are disciplining fairly and justly with an understanding of a child’s needs by active listening then you are acting in the best interests of the child.
Parents have rights. These include deciding on how you will rear your child subject to the aforementioned child’s needs.
As a parent, you can look at the standards of behaviour that are acceptable to you. Using discipline is acceptable and once again all seen in the context of the rights of the child.
Surprisingly I would add that you have the right to find time for yourself and nurture yourself. Such self-care strengthens good parenting and is necessary for personal satisfaction.
You also have the right to be treated with respect and dignity by your child. The best way to set this up is to model the same behaviour to your child.
Over the past few years, schools must develop a Code of Conduct. This includes understanding the rights of children, the dignity of staff, community needs, equal opportunity etc. It is quite an exercise and staff take time to study and develop their Code of Conduct. Once developed it is a living document practised by the school. Whilst families don’t formally develop such documents it is good to remind ourselves that as family, we need to live around each other sensitive to each other’s rights. By setting comfortable boundaries that come with understanding and flexibility for the growing child, we set up a safe environment for everyone.
These rights simply remind us that both children and adults should be given special priority as human beings. The more we model sound parenting with an understanding of a child’s growing and changing needs, the better the return in how they respect and treat us in the long run. Good modelling begets good modelling.
‘When we don’t stand up for children... then we don’t stand for much.’
Marian W Edelman
Just going with the flow could be the best option
Go with the flow! If we remain rigid in how we organise our lives, we will only experience disappointment and this will add to diminishing your mental health.
We all like our sense of organisation and certainly. Being in control gives us a feeling of security and no doubt provides stability for the children. Having said all this, I believe that this year we may need to be more flexible and learn to go with the flow a little more.
Accepting that this flow will change as our pandemic twists and turns into different challenges may be the safest route to follow. After all, if we remain rigid in how we organise our lives, we will only experience disappointment and this will add to diminishing your mental health.
Schools have learnt over the past two years to be more flexible with timetables and to plan for the unexpected. This has taken its toll on the staff and school community, but they are now aiming to be one step ahead of pandemic changes. Also, they have educated themselves on the implications of the virus and how to best provide for children’s safety. So, the new norm is all about setting and resetting new directives that fit into a more flexible world. Schools see change as a normal part of life and so too do the children.
Be open to chaos and embrace its freedom. It is amazing the wisdom that will flow.
Consider the following thoughts to encourage reflection on an easier flowing year.
If you are a long-term planner, such as planning by terms, allow some flexibility with that or at least have in the back of your mind how you can adjust.
Talk to your children about how planning from time to time may need restructuring which ultimately improves the status quo. After all, you may have a set route to travel in your car but on occasions rerouting is necessary.
Read the news that gives us a clear update of any changes or planned Government changes. This will help you make better-informed decisions on how you as a family operate.
Take care not to be too publicly negative about unsettling news. Children need the truth, but it can be framed in a way that implies the situation created will ultimately strengthen our knowledge and management of the virus. After all, no matter what you think, people are generally trying to make things better. It is in our nature to improve our situations and science has shown some extraordinary developments in such a short time.
On your family calendar when you hear of something positive happening such as the arrival of RAT kits for everyone, record it on the calendar. It is such a positive sign for children that good things are happening. Strange that we may be recording such a situation, but times are different and our new norm requires a rethink of what we value.
Children are surprisingly very versatile. As we grow older, we become more rigid in our thinking. We become more secure in what we know that has been tried and tested. Talk to your children about how you are open to being more flexible and invite them to make suggestions, especially when things need to change. They are creative individuals who need to use their creativity, especially in today’s unstable world. Let them in on your planning.
Finally, we all like a little control over our life and yet chaos brings new challenges and lifts our horizons in many ways. It refreshes our thinking and cognitively enlivens our thinking process. Be open to chaos and embrace its freedom. It is amazing the wisdom that will flow.
‘Problems disappear when we are willing to be flexible.’
-Roxanne Jones
The last breath of our summer holidays - let it linger longer.
As we enter the last phase of our summer holidays, I imagine there are many thoughts going through our minds about starting up again in 2022. What will this look like we wonder? How can I give hope and joy to my children when there is still so much around that is a cause of anxiety? Read on for some tips to consider. Gail Smith, Author, The Primary Years.
As we enter the last phase of our summer holidays, I imagine there are many thoughts going through our minds about starting up again in 2022. What will this look like we wonder? How can I give hope and joy to my children when there is still so much around that is a cause of anxiety? Let me remind everyone that the Summer is still with us and so too the last breath of the summer holidays. So, enjoy! Don’t let them be compromised by anxious preparations for the new school year.
Consider:
Now could be an excellent time to take time to talk with your family taking stock of all the relaxation and fun you have been having together. What have you really enjoyed about these holidays?
Discuss how you can get the best out of the last few weeks before routine begins again.
Now is also a time to start some gentle talk about what you as a family have put in place for the year. Does it include more holidays? Are their surprises, celebrations that need planning together? Talk up the positive aspects of the year that you are looking forward to.
Perhaps you can start the talk about how the vaccine has influenced our world. It will be important to discuss the plans you have to combat the virus and provide safety for your children. This reassurance is important as they contemplate school.
Are there some fun habits that you have developed as a family over the holidays? What can you bring from the holidays into your daily routine?
Some of our best weather comes into February and March. Can you plan some special weekends ahead once school starts? This eases the children more comfortably into the year and reminds them of the balance between work and family leisure. It can be quite a sharp contrast going from summer holidays back to school.
Schools are starting to awake for the new school year and I appreciate that planning for school will come into the next few weeks. Tap into it gently and keep the lingering of Summer longer in the mind of the family. A child will learn best once refreshed and feeling secure with their family surrounds.
We hear on the news, daily statistics regarding Covid. It can feel overwhelming and certainly puts a damper to a day’s start. Control the news around the children. A day should be started enthusiastically and without anxiety for a child.
Above all the child will get the best from this year after a great summer start. Give it a boost of enthusiasm in the last few weeks and above all give them a sense that 2022 will be a year of much more certainty and hope.
‘The tans will fade but the memories may last forever’.
-Town and Country magazine
The holiday- a time to simply let go and what does it mean for when we return to normality?
Holidays give us such opportunities to enjoy our family in a whole new way. If we can reflect on what worked so well in our family, is it possible to bring some of that holiday feeling into your daily routine when life goes back to normal? Can we see that holiday experience as part of the way we really want to live all the time?
If we were to evaluate how different we feel in holidays we would surprise ourselves. Do you notice how more patient and tolerant you can be? Do you also recognise in yourself how problems seem to be less and everyone in the household does not seem to be on edge? Such a relaxed situation seems to change, once routine and work enter the picture.
This blog is all about capturing some of those warm and happy holiday feelings and consider placing them in your normal day to day life. Imagine taking some of that wonderful holiday feeling and transferring it into your daily routine. It’s possible, but it does require working at it and setting a few simple goals.
Consider:
Have you enjoyed being happier with the family in holidays and perhaps less stressed or worried about the little things that go wrong? If so, consider adopting a less stressed feeling at home for the whole year.
Do you find that at home you can be short of patience especially when you are tired and the business of work is back? Try allowing more time to pass when things go wrong rather than seeking instant resolution.
Start noticing all the great fun things you love about your child. Often in holidays, these seem to be clear and we enjoy each other a lot more. Bring that holiday happy feeling into the home. Keep noticing your child’s gifts and this will slow down feelings of disappointment when they come.
When we are back at home and school has started, there is a sense of needing to get better and performing as best we can. Competition enters the scene. There is a subtle but real set of expectations with your child that creep in once school has started. Try to put less emphasis on the need to perform, but rather feel happy to celebrate what they are doing. The outcomes will still be great.
In holiday time we seem to be less aware of simple mistakes. We are more relaxed and think less about errors. Can you bring some of that feeling into your post-holiday home? The more you create a home where there is less stress and reduced focus on correctness, the happier the environment.
When on holiday we tend to speak in less harsh tones to each other. The world seems more at peace. We relax more and enjoy simpler less complicated situations. Is it possible to bring that style of speaking into your home so that there is less damage in the words used?
I imagine there has been more spontaneous laughter over the holidays. Keep it up at home and enjoy a happier space throughout the year. Laughter feeds into a healthy mindset for everyone.
With holidays we treasure the time we have together. Is it possible to build in personal time together once the children are back at school? Was it so difficult to slow down and could that feeling of working at a slower pace be adopted at home?
Holidays give us such opportunities to enjoy our family in a whole new way. If we can reflect on what worked so well in our family, is it possible to bring some of that holiday feeling into your daily routine when life goes back to normal? Can we see that holiday experience as part of the way we really want to live all the time?
‘If you want your children to be educated read them fairy tales.
If you want them to be more intelligent read them more fairy tales’
Albert Einstein
There is so much fatigue in worrying
In today's world, we tend to worry and feel the stress of everything occurring around us. Children quickly pick up our emotional dispositions and this can induce their own form of worrying about us as a stable source of reliability. Read here for some thoughts that invite us to hold a positive, hopeful disposition that acts as a stable framework for our children. Gail Smith, The Primary Years.
How much time do we take up worrying? In the climate we are now living in, it is not difficult to slip into excessive worry. When we allow it the liberty to take over our headspace, we are often quite sad, tired and can easily fall prey to fear. Worry can destabilise our life and certainly detract from building healthy relationships.
Our children quickly pick up our emotional dispositions and this can induce their own form of worrying about us as a stable source of reliability.
As parents, the best we can be to our children is to be a stable, constant, happy influence, that proactively and responsibly embraces life, no matter what the climate we live in. Children feel secure when their parents feel secure. It’s as simple and as complicated as that!
Consider the following thoughts that invite us to hold a positive, hopeful disposition that acts as a stable framework for our children.
Keeping humour alive in the family is key to making everyone feel at ease. A little laughter a day sets off the right mood for feeling well mentally.
Be authentic with your children. If you need to talk about the latest issues regarding the pandemic talk truthfully and ensure that a sense of hope is included in the discussion.
Talk to your child in a warm way. Keep anxious voices away from little ears. It is amazing how the tone of your voice sends messages to your child.
Get plenty of rest and don’t feel guilty about that! The more you are rested, the better your mental and physical wellbeing. By looking after yourself you are in the best place to offer a stable, happy parent image to your child.
Exercise and play sport with your child. Such physical experiences together set off positive messages to the brain that all is well with the world and with us.
Be aware of social media, television, news etc that cycles around your family house. With so much negative talk about the virus, a child can easily get clouded by shock news that easily sucks away happiness from their day.
Be open and invite conversation. Listen to what your child asks about the issues that unsettle them. If they feel there is an invitation to talk, they will be more open especially about awkward topics. In today’s climate, they need the reassurance that they can have a voice.
Be intuitive. If you see an opportunity to engage with your child, take advantage of it. This could happen through merely picking up a ball and kicking it to them, sitting with them as they work on their Lego, a fun group hug together. Worry is reduced through spontaneous, happy experiences done on the run.
Read books together that make you both feel good. Sometimes just enjoying reading and not focussing on developing learning is so invigorating.
Don’t be frightened to slow down. Does your day have to be so crowded? Hopefully, we learn a lot from our relaxed beach holidays. Less can give us much more as a family.
‘Worry less, Smile More, Don’t Regret
Just Learn and Grow’
-Unknown
Giving children a real sense of Christmas
This is a time of giving and there is so much advertising around the shops, television etc. that can cloud one’s thinking and destroy the balance of giving and receiving.
This is also a time to be teaching our children about the gift of generosity and the spirit of Christmas which is about giving of oneself generously.
Schools will be getting ready to close for the school year and will be farewelling their children, putting closure on their times together and reflecting on how this year has presented its challenges and opportunities. Certainly, a time for our own children to reflect on what they have learnt from yet another strange cycle of school life, lockdowns etc.
Despite all the ups and downs when we come around to Christmas it is an opportunity to demonstrate the value of giving, sharing and being inclusive in so many ways. In a strange way, having had such challenges personally this year, should teach our children the exceptional value of Christmas as it is all about simply coming together and connecting.
Consider the following thoughts that may help as we get closer to school closure and reflect on the message of Christmas.
Tap in with your child and ask how they are farewelling their class. Talk about being inclusive with parties and acknowledging everyone as Christmas is not “bah humbug” but about everyone.
Talk about Scrooge in the story of The Christmas Story. This character by nature of his mean attitude suffered loneliness as he was so self-centred and ended up lonely and isolated. This story just invites thoughts about those children in the class who are less included. The more we use opportunities to talk about inclusivity and wellbeing for all, the better we disperse the Christmas spirit. This year, particularly is a reminder about isolation and loneliness. Our children can now easily identify with that feeling after so much isolation in their own life.
Some families choose to connect to a well-recognised charity at Christmas time. This is a wonderful opportunity to talk about the charities that do such good work at Christmas time.
Check in with your child’s teacher to see if there are any unresolved issues that need discussion or follow up. Given the unusually short school term, some children may need special closure on different aspects of school. Never underestimate it is the same for all children.
In talking with your child about the school year, tap in to any anxiety that may be there about starting a new grade in 2022. Less school contact hours in the previous year can make some children anxious about being successful. They may feel concerned about beginning again after such an interrupted year. This particularly applies to those children who worry about being correct all the time. Think about how change effects your child.
As news evolves about shifting patterns with the Covid pandemic, ensure that you inform your children well about the status quo. They need frequent, accurate information that is age appropriate and always tempered with a sense of hope. You are their best source of being well informed and feeling safe.
Let’s see the approach of school closure and Christmas as an opportunity for families to plan, rest, recovery and renew a sense of hope and faith in our world that needs stability, reassurance and joy for our children. Families are a key factor in giving our children hope for their future. Christmas is a perfect time for families to take stock and renew that gift of hope.
“For it is in giving that we receive.”
St Francis of Assisi
The proactive approach for our children is the right way to go
Best to always avoid tricky situations than to dive into them unprepared. The consequences can be long, overcomplicated and perhaps could have been avoided with some proactive actions. As busy parents, who wants to deal with extra problems and find themselves in more complicated situations than is necessary? Being proactive requires some thought to foresee what is likely to happen and where possible go around the problem or divert the situation. When you know your child and how they respond to certain situations you are in the best position to be proactive.
Being proactive also has many benefits in building stronger, healthier relationships with your child.
By avoiding the little problems, you are less likely to have to deal with issues escalating to a new level. One problem can easily triple in a short time.
Better parenting is all about planning well and recognising the signs that can change a happy situation into a disaster in a flash.
It is healthier to be in a positive state with your child than to be regularly dealing with behavioural issues that can require discipline etc. In the first instance, they could have been avoided.
To be proactive, a parent looks for the best way to deal with some issue before it actually happens. This requires knowing your child and choosing occasions and times that work best for you. It may mean redirecting plans, reducing hostile conversations, noticing less trouble and generally looking for the positive in situations.
Be alert. Tired parents and children are not a good combination for avoiding conflict.
Put some family strategies in place that are proactive. For example, if your child is always running to find their bag for school, get them to put it near the door the night before. It is all about seeing a potential occasion where it can escalate making everyone unhappy.
Affirming your child is also a very proactive activity. The more they feel valued in doing the right thing, the greater possibility out will be repeated.
Be clear in your directions and make sure that your child heard your instructions before reacting. Sometimes busy times with poor listening can quickly escalate into problems when real listening has not occurred.
Look at the setup of your home. Are there places around the house that encourage sound relationships or are there obstacles that can cause tension such as computers in family spaces? For example, are bikes, toys etc. put in safe places that are accessible but not interfering with movement? Take a walk around the house, are there places and spaces that can be improved where a child will not break precious items, etc. The environment in the house should suit the age of your family.
Speak optimistically. This always suggests that there is no threat in your voice and that you are in no way upset. A child listens to their parents’ voices to get a measure of how they are valued. They are more likely to respond well and less reactive if feeling reassured.
Above all recognise that being a proactive person reduces tension, avoids unnecessary confrontation, builds stronger relationships and models to a child that working in a positive framework is a much more powerful and effective way of living happily and peacefully.
‘Being positive won’t guarantee you’ll succeed.
But being negative will guarantee you won’t.
-Jon Gordon
If you wish to change behaviour, be prepared to change yourself
We get very weary when we see the same unpleasant behaviour repeated in our children. It can be exasperating and our reaction can sometimes lead to further disapproving behaviour. So, the cycle goes on which further adds to frustration. When that happens, we need to put other strategies in place. Those strategies are all about getting the child to hear that such behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change. However, the change is for the right reasons and this is where your change comes into play as the parent.
Consider the following thoughts.
Can we really expect our child to change the behaviour if they don’t see that anything is wrong? Often when we correct them, they simply do not see that their behaviour is unacceptable. We sometimes mistake this as they are just not listening.
A child is more likely to change their behaviour if they understand that their actions have implications on you. After all it is you, the parent who is upset.
When a child sees that they are causing you some upset by their behaviour, they are more inclined to change it not because it is wrong but because it affects you.
‘I need to get to the car quickly to pick up your brother. The toys in the hallway are blocking me.’
Here you are inviting them to remove the toys not because the child is wrong but the presence in the hallway limits your access to the door.
‘I need your help in the kitchen as I have only a small time to read bed stories to your younger brother.’
Here it is about getting assistance to take the pressure of the bedtime stories.
The change for you, the parent is to remember to give the reasons why you need the behaviour to change. When you do this, the child feels more aware of your needs and sees their behaviour as interfering with your needs. Generally, they will be more sympathetic in changing their behaviour.
‘When you speak in a soft voice, my headache feels a little better.’
Children often do not register that their actions are considered poorly until it is pointed out how their actions interfere with another’s life.
Many teachers have mastered the art of working closely with children and reducing conflict in the classroom by building in sound explanations for actions taken.
‘Thanks for closing the door. The noise outside is a distraction.’
There are two main thoughts here in this article, Firstly, if you want to change behaviour you will need to think about the reason you want that behaviour changed. Secondly, you will need to build this reason into your request.
‘Please pick up your toys in the loungeroom. I don’t want to trip on them.’
Building into your words the reasons for changing behaviour gives the child an honest understanding of what is causing the problem for you. For them it may not be a problem at all.
‘Focus on the solution and not on the problem.’
-Jim Rohn
What to throw out from our lockdown days
Fear. We have lived in a confined spaces for such a long time and have been listening with intent to all the changes, case loads of the pandemic and death consequences. It is now time to throw it all out. Too much focus on the negative is soul destroying. Time to throw it all out and focus on the things to look forward too. Pack up all the negative thoughts and strategically throw it out. Watch it fall into an abyss and walk away.
Did you arrange your house to suit the lockdown situation? Perhaps you rearranged furniture to accommodate the children’s learning. Consider your house arrangements. Maybe its time to brighten it up with a sense of Spring and readiness for simply getting on with life. How about some flowers each week to brighten the house and put in a sense of hope? Let’s see the house as a place to feel good and a sign of real change.
Are there old newspapers, articles etc. in the house that simply talk about the state of the pandemic? Discard immediately so that children will not casually read negative thoughts about the pandemic. Watch the current news as well as it can drag us back into reflecting on what we have just been through. Be selective about what the children watch.
When talking about the pandemic, talk positively about the high vaccine numbers and the great achievements we have made in managing the situation and developing a vaccine so quickly. Children need to feel reassured that their world is a hopeful place.
Did you develop any habits during lockdown that now need to be discarded? For example, I heard about afternoon drinks to ease the long days. Also how about eating habits that developed to cope with the depressing situation. Now is the time to throw out all that artificially satisfied you during lockdown. They were short term fixers that ultimately do not satisfy. Out they go!
Do you notice how you wore a certain uniform in lockdown? The same clothes, no variation and how much easier was it to look after yourself. Out the door goes that lack of personal care. Bring out the colour and variation in the wardrobe and don’t forget some glitter. It’s time to invigorate your true self.
Over lockdown our phone ran hot. We connected to people in order to keep mentally active and engaged with people. Now its time to reduce phone bills and actually visit people. Being physically present around people demands a lot more of us than a phone call in pyjamas at ten o’clock in the morning.
Now is the time to have a good mental clean out and refresh our thinking and inject hope into our future.
‘Stay positive. Better days are on their way.’
What to keep from our lockdown experience?
Despite the very hard nature of the lockdown and the limitations placed on ourselves and families, we can say that from adversity sometimes comes new thinking and helpful lessons for life. Here are some valuable gains that may have come from your lockdown experiences.
Feeling better about yourself
Have you noticed that there are some changes in yourself that have suited you very well and in fact nourished your wellbeing? Have these changes made you feel happy? Can you build those changes into your new post lockdown world? This will keep nourishing the spirit as you adjust to your new life, post lockdown.
The value of personal time
Did you find that you discovered some personal time? Did this personal space give you feelings of satisfaction? How can you keep some special time for yourself now that lockdown and our busy life returns? The more at peace you are, the greater feeling of stability for your child.
What have you learnt about yourself?
Did you learn something new about yourself during lockdown? Perhaps you found some creative aspect to your life that was enriching and life-giving. Can you find space in your life now to keep that precious gift alive and active in your reshaped world? When your child sees you grow, they are inspired for themselves.
The development of new family habits
Did you develop some wonderful habits or even rituals that you developed with your family? Is it possible to build them into your post lockdown world? Building family habits is reassuring and comforting to children as it is familiar.
What have you really learnt about your child?
As a family did you discover wonderful new aspects to your child. In quite uncomplicated times, there is much to discover about your child. Hold that thought and keep it in mind when busy and frustrating times creep into our life and dull our patience. It will help you better manage the difficult moments with your child.
The joy of keeping life simple
Did you discover that simple uncomplicated times can bring you much joy? Can you bring some of that uncomplication into your life now? This may mean some planned reconstruction as a family. Something may have to go!
Keep a record of what you want to cherish
Have you thought of writing down all the feelings and experiences that happened in lockdown that you cherished? Some of them may be precious moments with your child. Keeping a record gives you joy when you want to go back and reflect. It can also serve to remind you of what is possible in a simpler world.
Online learning and your connection to your child’s learning style
After all the home learning you probably now understand more about your child’s style of learning. Keeping up with reassuring them that you are interested and appreciate their learning, will give your child a greater sense of achievement, given your closer connection to their learning.
Keeping the connection strong and constant
The lockdown gave you a greater intimacy with your child. Can you build time for such intimacy, post lockdown? This may mean letting go of other things. Your child will certainly miss that strong connection post lockdown and will seek out that deeper relationship that they found comforting while at home.
The value of deeper listening
With more presence around your child during lockdown, did you notice how better you listened to your child with more interest, intent and less fatigue? Can you build in more personal listening time with your child in your post lockdown world? This will help them when they feel anxious about fitting into their new world.
What do we accept and what do others accept?
I am sure that if I asked you, were you a tolerant and understanding parent, I am sure after reflection you would say, Yes. What may surprise you is that every family is different in terms of what they tolerate and what they believe is acceptable behaviour. What our children experience when they visit other homes, especially their friends are a whole set of different expectations and understandings. This is quite a learning curve for children and sometimes they will reflect on what they see and learn and not talk much about it at home. The difference at times can be quite overwhelming.
It is natural that children compare how different families operate and they are particularly curious about the degree of tolerance and freedom shown in other homes. They will compare and be interested in how their home experiences differ from other families. This is a time when they are reflecting on how happy they are in their family compared to other family situations. This is a normal part of growing up and learning about how people operate and perceive what is important in their life.
Here are a few tips on managing these interesting times when your children enter other people’s lives.
Firstly, be sure about what you value as a family. As a unit, you have a certain way of operating and you have faith in your ability to manage family situations.
Children may walk into homes that seem to have more liberty. This to a child is very exciting. They will challenge you about certain liberties that they are not given. Be sure of your answers and remain consistent and be clear about the values and patterns you keep as a family.
Be open to inviting your child’s friends into your home. However, once visiting, they are subject to your rules with little compromise. It is important here to show your children that how you operate is valued by all.
Talk about the fact that they will enter homes that perhaps have different rules and some may be looser than yours. Stress to your child that you trust their judgement at all times. Unless the environment is deemed unsafe, remember that children need to be exposed to different family settings.
Certainly, be open to change. If a child proposes some change that they have seen in other homes, have a discussion about whether you are prepared to introduce change, but keep in mind, this should happen through negotiation and discussion. Never lose sight of what is important to you but be open to listening which shows the child that you are a listener and respect their thoughts.
Sometimes a child will see different ways in which parents deal with matters such as poor behaviours etc. These differences can be quite a surprise or even a shock to your child. When your child begins to visit other homes, keep conversations at your home open about how families are all different and have different ways of operating. The more you seem open to discussing the differences your child has seen, the more they will talk about the experiences they have had in different homes. Here we are leaving the door open for discussion about what a child may see as different.
This article is all about gradually inviting your child to see how difference occurs in families. It is not saying that your family has only the right way to follow, but it does stress that as a family you have a right and a style that best suits you. You choose to live by this code, but will from time to time reflect on suggestions based on their suitability for your ever-growing family structure.
‘Children understand and remember concepts best when they learn from direct experience.’
- Joseph Cornell
Family rituals
You are probably creating some new ones during this lockdown. Family rituals are all about setting up special times or events that celebrate some aspect of your family life. They are a beneficial tool in building and strengthening families. They are an important foundational aspect of building family life. Activities become a ritual when the family practises regular times or occasions when they come together for that express purpose. After a while, it then becomes a tradition.
There are many forms of rituals and of course families develop their own traditions and celebrations that become embedded into your family life. If you are a family that practises a religion then you will be very familiar with ritual. For those families who develop their own style of ritual, it becomes an important aspect of your unique family life. It is a sacred statement present in your family.
Schools are very keen on the rituals that make them unique. A school will build into their calendar a series of events across the year which are unique to them. This gives them individuality and brings everyone together to celebrate what makes them special. A school motto will have in it words that symbolise what the school stands for. A school will take up opportunities to come together and celebrate who they are through their rituals which become traditions. School assemblies are always a time to sing the school song and national anthem, present awards etc. The regularity of such assemblies becomes a pattern that is important in school ritual.
Rituals can be as simple as ensuring that everyone eats together once a week at the family table. It can be about family patterns that everyone participates in such as having a regular games night or enjoying together a takeaway night. Celebrations such as Christmas are an excellent time for family ritual to be present and alive in families.
Children need and crave rituals in their life as they ground them to what is familiar and safe. Of course, no surprises that many teenagers begin to question family rituals, but what goes around comes around. As they mature, they begin to identify with what they held dear in their growing up days and they learn to build ritual into their own life.
Think about what makes your family unique and start talking about how regular time spent together doing something special is family ritual.
Think about:
The activities that you do together that are a regular item at home and valued by everyone.
Do you have some family habits that are worth developing? For example, is there a family night to watch movies?
Are you a family that exercises together regularly? This can become quite a serious and important part of the family dynamic.
Talk to the family about aspects of your life that are important to you. The more the child realises that there are aspects of their family that are precious and unique, they begin to see family as a safe and secure place.
In working with children, I always noticed that the more vulnerable children especially valued routine and familiar settings. They felt secure about the regularity of what happened in their classroom. They were conscious of the timetable, lunch hours, playtime etc. They could easily identify with what made them happy through routine and regular planning.
We all need ritual in our life and a family setting provides the climate to nurture rituals and celebrations that are uniquely owned by the members of that family.
Reflect on your family and the rituals that are present. Perhaps there are a few that with some teasing out can become very special to you as a family.
‘Ritual is important to us as human beings. It ties us to our traditions and our histories.’
Miller Williams
All things Covid19 - resource list.
Covid19 and the various levels of lockdown have been extremely stressful for parents, to say the least. How do we explain this situation to our children when we’re feeling immense levels of stress ourselves?
Here’s a recourse list to help explain all things Covid19 to our children.
What to say when tricky questions are asked about Coronavirus
How to stop the worry with issues like coronavirus.
Isolation and being at a distance - what does that mean?
Another lockdown and more home schooling. How important is it?
So, we are back working on line from home.
Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.
A few tips on helping with home schooling
8 quick tips to keep the mood positive in these tricky times
“Lockdown again,” I hear you say.
Crazy creative ideas for long stays at home.
Getting back to routine after lockdown
Back to school and living the new norm
Everyone is concerned about their child’s education in lockdown
Think about the value of laughter during lockdown
Victor Borge said,
‘Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.’
Here we are not talking about social distancing. We are talking about mental distancing. Let’s create the shortest distance possible!
When we consciously choose to keep laughter alive in our life, we naturally feel better and connect better to those around. People are attracted to warm and cheerful people. Laughter is life giving.
We know, through research, that laughter is a stress buster and at the moment, hard though it maybe, what we all need is a good injection of laughter in our life.
Children are naturally drawn to being cheerful and happy. So, for them, being in a family that laughs together is a natural and healthy way to live.
If laughter can keep us together, then it makes sense that in these tricky times, we use laughter as therapy. Think about the suggestions that follow to keep the laughter alive in your family.
Use a joke book and each night have some family fun reading out jokes.
Play a joke on your child during the day and surprise them with some laughter.
Watch a funny movie together that brings laughter and cheerful attitudes to the house.
Physical exercise can bring laughter into the home as everyone chats about the fun activities they did on their bike, skateboard etc.
Write little cheery notes and put them under your child’s pillow. This is a wonderful surprise element.
If you have a pet such as a dog at home family fun together can bring laughter to the house.
Play family games. There are many board games etc. that bring laughter and fun to everyone.
Do you have any funny family stories to tell the children? This can often be an entertaining time for all.
Laughter is cheap. It doesn’t cost anything and if we simply look around our home, I am sure you will find reasons to smile and laugh.
Become a witty, fun person around your children. You will get so much positive feedback from engaging with your children in this way. You feel more fully alive when laughing with your children.
Be imaginative. Draw, dance, skip with your children. It brings out the laughter and creativity of the family. This may mean being a little different from the usual person you are, but we are in times where we need to stretch our imagination and accept challenges.
Take care to limit the negative talk. People generally feel better and happier when less negative discussion is around.
Be a little more tolerant when mistakes are made. Less time spent in behaviour management and more time in being happy together makes for a calmer, more cheerful family.
Try noticing less mistakes and problems around the house. This will slow down feelings of anxiety and cheer you up.
These thoughts are all about finding different avenues in which to bring joy and laughter into the home. Every family has their own unique way of laughing and playing together. After all, happiness is a very natural state for a person in which to live. Our physical and mental health is all the better for laughter in today’s unsettling world. See it as another important immunisation against mental deterioration.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
A child’s strengths - Oh so many!
Do we recognise the unique strengths that your child has brewing within them? We are certainly able to identify some of the obvious strengths. Your child may be good at Maths. They may write well. They may excel at running or some other sport. All of these are clear and visible strengths in which we affirm and easily give our child reassurance. There are also many evolving aspects of your child that need nurturing and encouragement. They can be more subtle and we need to be tuned in, to pick up the signs for these evolving strengths. They are developing strengths in the emotional and social aspects of their life which are critical for your child to become a well-rounded, functioning adult. We often forget to acknowledge these developing strengths and so I will now list some for us to reflect on as parents. The list is not exclusive but hopefully will give some insight into what you are looking for in your child.
Does your child demonstrate from time to time?
Compassion for others.
Unselfishness and is able to share.
A generous spirit and will check to ensure others are included.
Developing empathy to those less abled or in some way hurt or offended.
An ability to share conversation and listen well to others.
Shows patience in difficult situations.
Kindness to those around.
Has an ability to form friends well and easily. Do they sustain friendships?
Is your child inclusive with other children in their friendship groups?
Has a tendency to put others ahead of themselves.
Reflects on activities that happen to them.
Talks positively about others and looks for the best in people.
When they are challenged through school work, friendships etc. do they look to find the positive in the situation and choose not to blame?
Are they able to forgive hurts and move on quickly?
Is sharing a natural part of how they interact with others?
All of these and there are plenty more, are examples of a child’s developing social and emotional maturity. All of these qualities should be strengthened by our tuning into their presence in our child’s life.
‘Well done, I can see how you are a good friend and you gave your share of the sweets to James because he wasn’t feeling well.’
‘I noticed how you included all the children in your class to your birthday party. You are fair to everyone.’
‘When you play basketball, I notice how you are keen to play as a team player and share the ball. Bravo.’
Your progressive affirmations alert the child to the fact that their social and emotional responses are highly valued. This is the foundational time for building an intuitive and emotionally intelligent young adult who will be a well-rounded and productive individual with a great ability to remain mentally healthy.
“Teach your children how to identify their own strengths and challenge them to contribute these strengths to others.”
Take care with words spoken
In the heat of the moment, we can say all sorts of things in all sorts of ways. Our mood and temper can often dictate how and what we say in front of our children. We have a liberty with speech which can work for us or against us. There are times when we may need to speak with more definition and there are more relaxed times when we can simply talk with ease, spontaneously and in comfort. Whatever our style of communication through speech, this article is to remind us that it is a powerful tool for the force of good and evil in our relationships.
Often words sharply spoken cannot easily be retracted. When we speak with our children, it is best to remember that they are listening carefully for the intention and will cautiously listen for reinforcing words and a calm style. The words make all the difference to how they will respond.
Here are a few thoughts to keep our speech in check when around our children.
Remember to think before you speak. This is particularly important when you are feeling unsettled or in a situation that could lead to speaking out of turn. Sometimes in the rush of speaking we can lose sight of what we are really saying.
Create space. This means take some time out before speaking if you think you are inclined to say careless things that you will regret later. In this case, silence is golden.
Use language that is age appropriate for your child and take care not to intimidate with strong, overpowering words that can have various meanings. Such is a form of intimidation. Simple language is the best, especially if you have some important messages to get across to your child.
Remember to use words that clearly talk about what you want to say. Children can easily miss the content of what you say through the words you use, the speed of talking and the intonation used. Don’t allow your words to become a destructive tool but rather a building block for strong relationships.
Reflect from time to time if you have used words that affirm and reinforce your child. This is a reminder to your child that they are valued and that you are keen to publicly talk about them in a positive way. Everyone from time to time enjoys hearing about themselves in a positive way. The positive use of words strengthens communication and give a clear message of wanting to engage with someone.
If you are feeling disappointed and need to talk to your child about some behavioural concern, think about how you will say it and what words you will use that are balanced and suitable for the situation. Speaking too quickly without having our mind ahead of our mouth can be damaging for the relationship.
Finally, the words we use on a daily basis, say a lot about ourselves. They are the tools that inform others about how we wish to engage and participate in life. They are a force to drive people away or to bring them closer. Our children understand very clearly that the way words are presented to them is the clear traffic lights of their relationship. Flash onto green whenever possible.
“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”
“Lockdown again,” I hear you say.
I wish there was an easy response to how best to support children and families during lockdown but nonetheless, let’s have a try.
Lockdown is in itself a down word. Why not, ‘recovery time’ or ‘time out’. Whatever the name, the feeling of being in lockdown, oh sorry, ‘time out’ can be a real down feeling for all concerned in the family. The following thoughts are to remind us again of some positive thinking in this time when we feel so deprived on so many levels.
The lockdown is to protect the lives of people. We live in a society where at all cost, people’s lives are given the highest priority. Our society values people.
We are really needing to remember the common good. For example, by wearing masks you are looking after other people as well as yourself. By using the QR system you are providing information that can lead to early detection of the virus and fewer people spreading the disease.
There is not much joy left in online school work but in the longer term, more than any other time we can remember, you the parent will have plenty of personal time with your child. This can have an amazing impact on building deeper, lasting relationships with your child. When working across a busy week of school etc, your quality time with your child is greatly diminished.
Have you noticed that your conversations with your child are broader and that you are both looking for joint activities to do more than ever before? This must be continuing to build a lasting, memorable relationship with your child.
Have you noticed new and interesting things about your child? Having more time together gives you more time to simply notice the joy of your growing child.
Of course, as the lockdown increases and changes, as the parent, you need to give further explanations about the shifting nature of the virus. Your information here should be clear and age-appropriate.
This is such a wonderful time to talk together about a serious matter that needs mature handling on the part of the parent. It challenges us to recognise the importance of giving accurate information and also building hope into the conversation. This is such an important time for sound parenting, as the child looks to you for mature family leadership, reassurance and support. Often much of our parenting is done on the run. With the issue of the pandemic so prevalent in our lives, how you handle it around your child will have a major impact on their understandings later in life.
Difficult as it may be, bringing some warmth and humour into the day can make an amazing difference to everyone’s disposition.
Keeping up with the smiles, having jokes, exercising together and talking as a family in a happy and relaxed way on a regular basis can lighten the spirit.
“We must accept finite disappointments but we must not lose infinite hope.”