How do you feel today?

Have you noticed that as a parent you can have very high ups and also downs? Mood swings can be common in most people and especially in parents who are great givers and not takers in their family.

Selflessness can be wearing and there are times as parents finding personal space to recover is difficult juggling work, home and family commitments.

This article reminds us that managing our emotional swings or the more common saying, managing to regulate our emotions is very important around our children. We do need to understand our shifting emotional state and if we tend to get quite low, do we have strategies to help us when in this state?

Do we recognise when we are in this state and especially for prolonged times?

Do we understand ourselves enough to know when our emotional reactions are too extreme in front of our children. Are we able to monitor this or are we struggling to regulate our emotions when dealing with family problems?

Beware of Inter-generational is behavior, such as children repeating patterns of how their parents acted out situations has validity.

Here I am suggesting that too much extreme emotional discharge can create anxiety in children.

I remember parents telling me that when they were over reactive regularly, spontaneously or intermittently, they could see their children's shut down reaction and confused look on their face. They tend to retreat as a means of survival.

The following are some strategies to assist in monitoring your emotional response when around  children.

• Always understand your degree of tiredness. This will help you make decisions on how capable you are to have discussions about family matters that can be emotive. It is best to say that given your tiredness, the matter can be discussed the next day. Of course following it through the next day is critical.

• If there are issues that cause you considerable distress or anger, is it necessary for you to be part of that discussion? Can someone else close to the child take on that issue?

• Talk to your child about how you value regulating your emotions. Perhaps you have some strategies that they could adopt, such as taking big breaths before responding to a difficult situation, walking away, thinking positive thoughts etc.

• If there are certain issues that really press your buttons, explain this to your child. If there are legitimate reasons as to why you can over react easily, let them know these reasons. It is best to be as authentic with your child as possible.

• Remember that when you do over react or become emotionally charged, always come back to the child with an apology or at least an explanation and let the child know why you are disappointed in your over reaction. This demonstrates to the child that you are sincere in trying to regulate your emotions. After all we are human!

Using some of these strategies tells your child that you value emotional balance in your life. It is important in taking ownership of yourself. Such modelling imprints in the child that working towards being in control is developing social and emotional maturity and is to be valued.

Mood swings can be common in most people and especially in parents who are great givers and not takers in their family.

Relationship break ups and other situations that lead to crisis.

We all would like to have a perfect existence without crisis or trauma of any kind. Sadly, life creeps into our perfect world and with this, can come grief and trauma.

The topic of dealing with trauma is quite complex. However, I am very aware of some typical feelings and responses that children have to trauma given my work with them in the school setting.

No matter what the crisis situation that has occurred in the family, many children will for a while shut down their emotions. They can appear quiet and in many cases, their work at school falls back considerably. This is because the shock of what has happened has forced their body to protect itself and learning is not high on their survival list at that time.

One of the early feelings a child can have especially if it is about a family separation is a feeling of self-guilt. They question whether they caused the problem. Another major fear is that if they lose one parent what if they lost both parents?

These thoughts play heavily on their little minds and though irrational to an adult is actually genuine fears for the child. Also, the death of a grandparent who was a close member of the family can be another trigger for distress for the child. They see how upset their parents are and they worry about how this impacts on them.

I could go on with many examples, but the key factor here is that children will experience feelings of grief and they particularly look at their changing vulnerable relationship with their parents.

My first thought here is to say that children should go through the natural process of grief. We need to take care that we do not shut them off from the reality of life. It takes a village to bring up a child and death and trauma of different sorts are part of that village.

Our response to their needs at the time of trauma can be demanding given that the parent is experiencing such deep, personal feelings at that time. 

Here are some suggestions that I feel help the child at that critical time in everyone's life.

• Remember that together you are sharing the grief. Children need honesty more than ever at this time and when a crisis in a family comes, in a careful and planned way it is important to talk to the child about the issue. Try not to avoid telling them for some time.

• Choose the right time and the right place to tell them what is happening. Children can fixate on that situation later and so it needs to be in a calm and reassuring space. It also should be a time when you are appropriately ready to talk to them about the matter. Lead into the conversation with something like:

“I need to talk to you about something that is making everyone sad at the moment.......”

Making a  gentle entry into what you need to talk about gives the child time to prepare their thoughts.

• Remember that when you first tell a child about a relationship break up, death etc. they will only process a little of what you tell them. Speak with clarity and to the point. Going into long explanations when first telling a child about the issue will not be effective. They will only hear the main fact. As time progresses they will ask more questions and when ready, this is a time to talk in more detail.

• Take care that in dealing with a parent's personal grief, the child is not brought into any negative discussion. This is particularly something to watch when there are relations breakups.

Keep in mind that in the early stages a child will be anxious about themselves and their primary securities around them. They may lose some personal confidence for a while and behaviour changes may occur. This is a time to reinforce that they are loved and that supports around them are strong and always present. Reassurance that relationships with the child remain intact is such a critical part of dealing with their grief, especially in the early stages.

If as a parent you are struggling with your own emotions, choose carefully the time to talk to the child. Most children actually have a very clear understanding of your pain and look to see if in any way that changes their relationship with you. I always remember a child telling me that they never talked to their parent about the matter as they always looked so sad and it would cause them to be sadder.

Grief changes over time and with professional support for all the family, families can move on with their life even though changes have occurred that will permanently alter their world as they know it.

The key point here is that children are very astute when it comes to recognising sadness and distress in the family. They are like a hound dog and can quickly sniff out emotional shifts. Remember to include them in the journey of change after trauma has occurred. Whilst we prefer to shelter them, it is best to build their emotional stamina so that they too can move on with strength and greater capacity to understand life in all its shapes and forms. Within a family, all aspects of life occur and it is a perfect environment to grow across so many aspects of life.

If as a parent you are struggling with your own emotions, choose carefully the time to talk to the child.

Know your limits. It's the safest way.

Have you ever noticed how you change when unable to cope?  This could be through tiredness, health issues or just you have just reached your limit! Beware these are the vulnerable times when we can overreact with our children. Easily done! Sadly we pay a high price in our relationship when this occurs.

Your child has refused to listen all morning and now he has damaged some furniture. It's enough to set off a chain of verbal abuse on the child. When we do this, we come back feeling vulnerable and wondering how we can undo what we have just done!

Always remember it is the behaviour we do not like. It is not a dislike of the child. When we are tired and vulnerable, how we talk to the child often looks and sounds like we dislike the child!

We are all human and children's behaviour can send our pulses racing.

Parents often tell me that using the following strategies helps limit the likelihood of being out of control.

• Consider stepping back from the situation when it gets out of hand. This can be done by walking away for a few minutes, entering another room, deep breathing, counting to ten etc. It is about creating a space between the incident and your reaction.
• Try preventative methods. If you know that there is a likelihood of escalating bad behaviour from the child, are there things that can be done to reduce that escalation. For example, take along toys, books etc. that can be a distraction. Let the child choose what he would like to take with him.
• Ask yourself do you have to go ahead with the activity at that point? Can it be delayed where the child is not involved?

Keep in your mind some simple “I” statements that limit the anger.

• “I am really upset at the moment and can't talk about it.”

• “I am so angry that this has happened. I need some time to think about it.”

Talk to the child about what you are about to do, shopping etc. Discuss what will help them be settled during this time. Rewarding a child who has had to put in an effort is acceptable but of course not all the time.

Progressively, during the morning or the activity, acknowledge their efforts in behaving well. Thanking them for supporting you is also valuable. Comment on how it made you work faster or achieve your goals well.

Remember it is about reducing the likelihood of reactionary behaviour which is sometimes complicated and hard to reconcile. Often, when we do have these outbursts, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction. This causes doubt and confusion in their mind. 

Know your own capabilities and recognise the signs where fatigue etc. will set in and over stimulate your negative reaction to problems. Minimising your reactions enables you to deal with the behaviour in a calmer way.

When we have outburstsover behaviour, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction.

Be a negotiator not a winner

Children need to be heard.

Sometimes this is tricky when they are asking for something which seems quite unreasonable.

Remember your childhood and when you wanted something that was important to you. Who were you more inclined to approach? The parent that had a black and white way of operating or the one that calmly listened. I'll bet it was the latter!

Children always gravitate around the parents who listen with interest and who don't dismiss them too quickly. The best approach is to listen with intent and then discuss why you have concerns about their request. If you can reach some compromise, so that a negotiation happens, the child feels that you have at least understood their needs and were prepared to compromise.

For example, if a child wants to go to a friend's place to play, do you agree that this could happen but only perhaps for a short time? This is considering their needs as well as your own.

If a child asks for an Ipad and this is quite unsuitable, explain your reasons and discuss when and how you would be prepared to consider it, sometime in the future.

It is all about creating a win/win. The child feels heard and valued. You feel that whilst you cannot comply with the whole request, there could be some aspects on which you are prepared to negotiate. 

Giving in to requests that do not suit you or simply saying no, without any thought behind the decision, creates dissatisfaction all round and the child has not began to learn the art of negotiation.

Better to keep in relationship with your child by showing them that you listen and where possible can negotiate.

Sometimes in my experience with negotiating with children, as they became more familiar with how to negotiate, they would be quite humorous and say with a smile,

"Can we renegotiate that Mrs Smith!"

Black and white doesn't win the battle

What does a child think about a parent's expectations?

What a big topic. This can become and messy!

Most parents will tell a teacher that they expect high but realistic expectations for their child's achievements. Most parents will also tell you that they regularly affirm their children's work and that they encourage them to do their best.  They will also add that at no point to do they criticise their children for poor work. However, some children still feel undervalued and unsuccessful which can lead to lack of motivation from the child.

A tricky problem if you are a parent just wanting the best for your child!

When I worked with children struggling with their perceived lack of performance and personal image, the following was clearly evident.

• The child had through some way, felt that their parents were not proud of them. They also believed that what they did just wasn't making them valued the way that they wanted to be valued.
• Their perception was quite a blocker for parents who thought that they were affirming their children adequately.

The answer can be quite complex but the following tools can help parents in presenting a strong image of support for their child. These tools have worked well with some families.

Try using the following:

 Always talk about the positive using an “I” statement.

“I appreciate all your efforts today.”

“I like the work you have done. It makes me see all the effort you made.”

Also occasionally saying:

“Sometimes I found it hard to do well myself and I feel so glad that you are having a go at everything you do. This makes me proud”.

The emphasis here is on the child understanding that their work has had an impact on you. For some children, this extra parental reinforcement is so necessary.

Also just affirming simple activities that we take for granted can be helpful in reassuring the child.

“Thanks for helping me with the groceries. I feel less tired now.”

“ I love your smile. It makes me happy.”

Some children just need more affirmation and reassurance that they are valued. It may not be the case for all the children in your family who may need less personal reassurance.

Every child has their own emotional journey. Sometimes the order of the family can have an impact on where you see yourself, being an only child or just dealing with strong sibling personalities can shape your perceptions. Whatever the reason, every child will respond to their parents differently, subject to how emotionally secure they feel in the eyes of their parents.

Keep in mind:

• How you treat each child in the family may require different treatment.
• No child is a mirror image of their siblings.
• Every child listens carefully for parental reassurance, some listen more closely and need to hear it more often.

Every child listens carefully for parental reassurance, some listen more closely and need to hear it more often.

Who agrees with who in parenting?

Have you discovered since becoming a parent how different both parents can be when it comes to parenting styles? This is quite common in families.

In facilitating parent courses, it was quite common to hear parents say that their styles of parenting were quite different. Often it was based on how they were brought up as a child. This can be quite daunting for couples who think they are so compatible on so many levels!

Often we don't think about how we will react as a parent to a child's behaviour until it actually happens!

It is quite normal to have different approaches to rearing a child. After all, it is hard to change how your understand child rearing given your own journey as a child, be it positive or negative. The key approach is to simply agree that at times you will have different understandings of the problem at hand.  The child certainly knows this and no surprises that they gravitate around the parent that is less punitive and has more listening skills. After all, didn't we do that ourselves when growing up?

Consider the following points when managing parent issues:

• Both parents should talk to their child recognising that sometimes mum or dad may see matters differently and that this is normal.
• Agree that sometimes mum may deal with issues and sometimes dad. Of course all issues will be discussed as a family.
• What is most important is that the child does not side one parent off with the other. This is where it gets complicated. Children are very aware of how parents can have different opinions on matters pertaining to all sorts of things such as homework, staying out late, tidiness, etc.

Whoever deals with the issue should maintain the following:

• Listen effectively.
• Respond calmly and then actively listen to the concern.
• After agreeing to understand the issue start negotiating. In the negotiation stage, this is where parents may have different expectations and this is quite acceptable.
•  If both parents use this same approach, the child will feel that they have been dealt with fairly and consistently. They will also recognise that whilst parents have different expectations, they still listen and negotiate in the same way.

This topic was the cause of much discussion in my parent groups and we all agreed that sometimes it was better to let one parent deal with certain situations as they were less emotive or at least more familiar with the matter under discussion.

So in summary, parents should use the same method of working through the problem and negotiate with your interests or investments to be included.

It is quite normal to have different approaches to rearing a child.

Improvement and Achievement - where does it begin and end?

Have you noticed how praise is important on so many levels? We all need praise, no matter at what age! This blog is about understanding that we need to be quite specific when we praise. We need to  ensure that we know the purpose for praise and that we target it well.

“Well done on your test. All that preparation made a great difference. Bravo!”

In order to improve and to achieve, we need to feel reassured that our efforts are truly valued. We need reassurance. The more we target our praises, the closer the mark to giving the child an authentic acknowledgement, one which makes a real difference to the child!

“What a wonderful effort you made to clean the kitchen. All the items are away in their right spot. Thank you.”

By being specific, the child is aware that you are grateful for some particular task. It shows that you have clearly thought it through and that it has real value to you. By mentioning it clearly, it throws more evidence on the impression it has made on you.

By being authentic in your praise they understand that their achievement was sincerely based on your awareness of their deeds.

General praise such as “you're a good boy” has little value compared to “ what a good boy for opening the door as I have groceries in my hand.”

Improvement is best understood and more likely to continue when the child clearly understands the value of their deeds. Teachers are aware of this and in working with children they are extremely conscious to speak clearly and acknowledge their work as specifically as possible. 

In working with children myself, I observed that affirming with real definition, builds their sense of general self confidence.

“Thanks Mark for shutting the door quietly. It often jams.”

Here the child recognises that they supported your real concerns about the door! Incidental but effective affirmation. This sets the scene for a confident healthy discussion to follow. Reassurance builds on reassurance and success.

Keep in mind that through your example in praising and affirming well, the child is more inclined to model this in how they affirm others. It is all about giving the best example through our communication style.

mprovement is best understood and more likely to continue when the child clearly understands the value of their deeds.

Being still and really present to a child.

Remember the old saying, “children should be seen and not heard”. It should be more like “children should be seen and really heard in a deep and positive way.”

How hard is this to achieve when the family home is such a busy place with many competing interests across the week.

In my experience both in working as a Principal and as a Counsellor, really attending to a child when they have something important to talk about gives you optimum opportunity to really hear the problem and the child feels that they have been really heard.

I would often hear children say “my parents don't listen to me”. They are really saying that they do not have the real opportunity to be properly heard and that their feelings are given value and credibility.

Sometimes this can be done very simply and sometimes a family needs to coordinate a set time to have such engagements.

Being really present to the child involves giving all your time and attention to the child without distractions. It involves using warm, positive eye contact and listening without interrupting or showing body language that can be judgemental. It is about being calm, silent, steady and listening with an open heart.

By maintaining this state, the child feels that they have the space to keep talking and that it is a safe, respectful space, where they can say anything. After the child has said what they wanted to talk about you are in a privileged position to discuss what they had to say. This is without bias and without being too quick to judge.

This really deep form of listening opens up so many opportunities for the child. They feel so valued when the parents is truly present in conversations this way.

Doors close in conversation quickly when interruptions or changed body language occurs. As a parent, it is about finding that one on one time for your child. 

I often found that once a child has been really heard, they are more in tune with working out solutions. Keep in mind that children gravitate around family members that calmly and respectfully listen. I believe this applies to all of us!

I often found that once a child has been really heard, they are more in tune with working out solutions.

Giving your child tools to defend themselves.

It is hard work sticking up for yourself as a little one on the yard or just simply feeling empowered when other children act inappropriately towards you. The following is about teaching your child, or a child in your care some simple “I” statements that give them a sense of control and that do not lead to unnecessary conflict.

Sit with your child and talk about the feelings they have often when things go wrong. They will come up with feelings like angry, upset, unhappy, frightened.

Simple words will help when your child is feeling feeling unsettled in any situation.

Then teach them how to use those words when feeling unsettled in any situation.  For example:

• "I am unhappy when you hit me."
• "I am angry when you take my book."
• "I am frightened when you shout at me."

You are teaching them to use the “I” followed by the feeling they have and the act that upsets them.

Practice this at home in any situation that may occur between siblings. When you see your child upset, discuss how to express it with an “I” statement. Firstly, find out what negative emotions they are experiencing.

By teaching them to express their feelings about someone else's behaviour you are giving them tools to manage their problems. This is a very healthy way for them to express their frustrations and it gives them more ownership of their unsettling emotions.

Of course, practice is necessary but once a child sees the value and feels successful, they will begin to automatically use this technique.

What makes an effective parent

Parenting well can be a tricky game. We all want the best in our parenting and yet we recognise that we are human and sometimes factors come into play that limit our capabilities to be what we recognise as the best parent.

The good news is that if handled well it is not that complicated.

The first and foremost factor in effective parenting is to be authentic with your child. This means being honest and realistic as to who you are and what you can capably achieve. They actually work this out at an early age themselves!

For example, you cannot attend a parent meeting because of work. “I am disappointed that I will miss that appointment. I will follow up with the teacher to see what I missed.”

Being authentic tells the child that what they see and hear from you is what they get.

Also, maintain a warm and affectionate relationship with your child. This means that listening well and not getting too judgemental when you hear about incidences that can be unsettling.

By listening well, you are showing sensitivity and respect for the needs and feelings of your child. This will mean that the child will engage with you more openly in the future.

Be a negotiator. When a child talks about issues they want addressing discuss options openly. Some may not be acceptable to you but somewhere through discussion, a way forward can be found.  “I am not feeling happy about you coming home that late. I can pick you up at ….... and in this way, you still get to see your friend”

Sometimes, confronting negative behaviour is necessary. Talk about it through an “ I” statement.  “I am disappointed that you.......”  “Let's discuss how we will now deal with the issue”

When dealing with the consequences try and engage the child in finding a way forward. “Do you have any suggestions regarding this matter in this incident?”

Remember it's all about restoring relationships when dealing with negative behaviour. It is about both parent and child understanding the behaviour and agreeing to an appropriate way forward.

Set boundaries for the child that are manageable for all the family. Discuss with the child the agreed boundaries and as time goes, discuss how they are working out as a family. Children need boundaries but will understand them better if they are given reasons for the boundaries.

“I need you home after school by 4:00 p.m as I believe that this is a reasonable and safe time to be home.”  or, “We cannot have any toys in the living room as people will trip and hurt themselves.” 

Finally, the child loves you unconditionally. For them to embrace you in your work as a parent, be natural, let then see how you are genuine. Make mistakes, acknowledge when you are wrong but above all let them see how you value a strong relationship with them.

I invite you as a parent to reflect on who you gravitated around as a child in your family.  I feel certain that it was the parent who listened unconditionally.

What makes an effective parent?

Technology, a challenge in family life.

As a school Principal and working with children through counselling over many years, I have seen how the growing passion for technology has skyrocketed with our young ones. Children develop skills from an early age that baffle parents. They soon discover that it opens up a whole new world of connection with friends and the outside influences of the bigger world. This can occur as early as seven or eight years of age or even earlier!

At a primary age, they are definitely keen to network and feel valued in talking to friends through many of the social media tools that they can access.

It can't be stopped, but as parents, it is an area that does need monitoring.

Here are some practical suggestions to help the child through the minefield of managing technology as a young, vulnerable person. I liken it to a child driving a powerful truck. They understand how to drive the truck but do not have the skills to manage it.

• Discuss with your child where the computer should be situated in the house. The younger the child, the more visible should be the child using technology.
• Ensure that child safety blocking is placed on any computer, Ipads, phones etc. in the house.
• Attend a cyberbullying information session to learn about the legal age for children using certain social media. Often schools will facilitate such evenings, local community centres etc. It is best to attend one just as a parent as often information is given which can be quite daunting regarding the damage done to children through the inappropriate use of technology.
• Attend a session on cyberbullying with your child. This invites sound conversation together.
• Talk to your child about the use of chat media such as facebook, etc. Explain how everything written is kept in the Cloud and does not go away!

I have seen some parents draw up a contract with children on how technology will be used in the house. This is done at school with all students.

Keep the balance with family life. Active children engaged in sport etc. will be drawn to alternative ways to socialise and be active. This puts balance into their life and reduces concentrated hours in engaging with social media. Their social engagement is on the sports fields, stages, art classes etc.

Check the time children are using their computer and agree that there is a turn on and turn off time in the house. Of course, we need to give this example as a parent ourselves. Our modelling in using technology and teaching life balance is a critical factor in demonstrating to the child that technology is but one aspect of life.

As a family discuss technology and how it has influenced major changes in the world. Also, engage in conversations about its limitations.

Keep technology as visible as possible in the house and limit a child's time on their own using technology in the isolation of their bedroom. Remember the house is still seen as a technology friendly home.

Some parents have reconstructed their family living areas to make access and communal awareness of the use of technology.

Learn about how your child's school handles technology. Reading their technology policies gives you a strong indication of how good habits in technology are taught and managed.

Some final thoughts.

• Ensure the child knows that you value technology. Talk about it as a positive tool that has made such a difference to the world. However, as a tool, it can be used inappropriately and must be managed well.
• In the family, managing technology is an important rule which we talk about frequently, just as we discuss homework patterns etc.
• As a family, technology is just one part of our life as demonstrated by all the various activities we do as a family.
• Talk openly to your child about how you use technology in your life.
• Keep well informed on current information regarding the latest social media tools that are influencing children.
• Sometimes children will access inappropriate social media through visiting other homes. Discuss with these families your thoughts on this matter.
• Whilst you cannot control how other families use technology you can educate your child on its best use and invite them to feel comfortable in talking to you about how other homes operate with technology.
• Visit your child's classroom when they are using technology. This gives you a sound understanding of how technology is used in the classroom and an opportunity to chat at home about its use.
• Remember your home should develop a family communication style that enables a child to talk about technology comfortably.                        

Children develop skills from an early age that baffle parents.

How do we build resilience in our children?

A big question that many parents ask themselves is how do we make our children more resilient? Whilst there are many support programs at school and strategies we can use to help our children, what is well regarded as a powerful strategy is to let the child see how resilient we are as parents in our own life.

How we influence our children is best done by modelling our own strength in coping with difficult situations. The positive language we use in simply discussing a problem gives the child the awareness that you are calmly reflecting and can approach a situation from many angles. It is about a “no blame” outlook.

For example when faced with some crisis try using words like:

• “I have a problem and I need time to think it through.”
• “I need to look at many ways to sort this out.”
• “At the moment I am working through some troubling issues.”

This is about giving the child the message that:

1.           there can be many ways to solve a problem.
2.           having a problem is normal.

Staying calm during that time and looking at many angles of the situation is the best way forward.

When I have dealt with children in areas around resilience, it is not uncommon to hear them talk about how their parents would handle the situation. If they have parents who look at quick solutions and blame, it is harder for the child to take personal ownership of their situation themselves. When they recognise that the parents will look at how to resolve a situation through reflection and negotiation, the child is more receptive to owning and dealing with the problem themselves.

Some final thoughts:

• Stay calm when unsettling issues arise.
• Develop strong listening skills so that questioning is clear.
• Where possible, look for how a positive outcome can be reached even though there is some damage.         
• Keep your body language calm, steady and consistent.

Above all let your child see that staying calm and open-minded will get a better resolution.

There are many excellent problem-solving games in educational stores that teach the family how to approach a problem.

When a problem is resolved talk about how you used different strategies to understand and solve the problem.

How we influence our children is best done by modelling our own strength in coping with difficult situations.

Every day is different even for children.

What's in a  bad day? Every child deserves a bad day. This, of course, means that there will be some days where a child just simply isn't as happy or as active or interested as normal. There is a tendency to think that having a bad day is a privilege of adults. Not So!

Sometimes children are just not feeling at their best. This can be for a range of reasons, not dissimilar from an adult. Sometimes tiredness, emotional upset, disappointments etc. can reduce happiness levels temporarily. We often are not fully aware of these feelings but we know that we are not operating at our best.

What to do? Just accept that a child has the right to a bad day and lower expectations and questions. Probing a child as to why they are feeling down can only cause confusion in a child who feels that to make a parent happy they must be always operating the same way.

Remember a child is keen to have themselves valued by their parents and so they try very hard not to disappoint.

Some positive talk when a child has a bad day could include:

• “I sometimes feel down and need time to pick myself up.”
• “Having a low day can give us time to look forward to a better day.”
• “Low days are preparing for the better days”
• “When I have a low day, I like to.....have a bath, go for a  walk etc...

The key message here is that having a bad day occasionally is normal. You understand as a parent that they need some space.

We all have bad days now and again.

Confronting poor behaviour can be daunting

This is something that parents face regularly. One of the questions parents ask is how do they deal with this issue and at the same time do not damage their relationship with their child? Firstly, let me assure you that your child innately knows that you love them unconditionally. Sometimes how we act can confuse them, but they do believe in your absolute love for them.

Even if you lose your temper and react too much, the child still recognises that you love them. Having said that, less damage is caused by setting up a situation where you let the child know how disappointed you are in the behaviour, as it has impacted on some aspect of your family life etc.

Consider the following tips to help deal with confrontation and still keep the relationship between you and the child, a happy one.

• Choose a calm time to talk about the incident that is upsetting you. Reacting straight away can cause you to over react and anger interferes with rational conversation. If the matter is right in front of you say.  " I'm upset, we will talk about this a little later." 

This gives you time to be more rational when talking to your child. It also allows time to calm down and perhaps see the situation with less hostility. Sometimes, you have time to gather more understandings around the situation reducing the problem and your anger. Be consistent and still follow through with a conversation. Have the discussion with your child with no one else around, in a quiet space and where the child is more inclined to listen. This is all about setting the best scene to get the best results from the conversation.

• Choose a morning time to talk about the matter if possible, as a child's attention span and calmness is at its peak. Otherwise try at night when putting the child to bed. This is often a personal one on one time which the child enjoys. "I would like to talk to you about something that happened today that has upset me."

Once the issue is understood and resolved in some way, it is most important to acknowledge the process that you just went through and affirm the child for being part of it.  "Thanks for working through the problem that was upsetting me. Together we were able to sort it all out".

Keep in mind that once the resolution is made in solving the problem it is important to move on, affirm the child when it doesn't happen again and give the child the benefit of the doubt that they can solve problems well.

When working with children over issues, I found it most important that the child knew the issue was now behind us and our relationship was back to normal. This is all about the child feeling valued even though mistakes happen all around us from day to day.

This is all about the child feeling valued even though mistakes happen all around us from day to day.

What do we do when we don't like the behaviour?

Have you ever felt negatively about your child? Some parents tell me that they often feel guilty as they have negative feelings about their child. This is quite natural. What you are feeling is just a dislike for their behaviour which can be unsettling, embarrassing, tiring etc. What we need to remember is that it is just the behaviour and not the child that unsettles us.

When working with children, I often notice that the expression a child has on their face can influence whether people believe the child or doubt them. Sometimes these expressions can be misleading as they represent feeling insecure and uncertain. They do not often reflect that the child does not care about the behaviour. So I recommend not judging a child's expression as often it just reflects an inability to deal with the situation.

As a parent, think about the following when feeling unsettled about the behaviour;

1. I love my child but I don't like the behaviour, therefore, we talk just about the behaviour.  "I really don't like what just happened. We need to understand what really happened so that we can move on.”
2. Always reaffirm the child after working through the behaviour matter. This reassures them that everything is back to normal.
3. Sometimes writing notes of reassurance gives the child a feeling that you have moved on. The note could say,” thanks for solving that problem that was on my mind. Now we can look forward to..........."

It is all about separating the behaviour from the child, reassuring the child that we move on from mistakes and grow through the process, maintaining a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

Don't like the behaviour? Remember, it's the behaviour, not child.

Do you have a fixed or a growth mindset when it comes to your child?

Have you ever noticed that you sound like your parents when talking to your child? Or perhaps you work hard to parent very differently from your parents? Whatever your style, consider developing a growth mindset in engaging with your child.

This is about being open to ideas that your child might suggest that are not consistent with how you normally operate. It can be trying new things that are different or just experimental moments as a family.

It's about accepting that mistakes occur and that it takes time effort and some risks to move forward.

A fixed mindset is about being reserved and not keen to take risks of any kind. Taking the predictable and certain route forward. It is about being safe and certain with regard to the outcomes. Your child will keep providing challenges for you and it is worth reflecting on what kind of a mindset you give to their suggestions.

When working with children who were keen to explore different ways of being, it was not uncommon to hear them say
“It won't work in my home” or “it's not worth taking that idea to mum.”

This suggests that they understand the fixed mindset of their parents and as such ideas and suggestions are not brought forward at home.

I suggest keeping an open model at home that encourages varied conversations and applauds new ideas and initiatives that may be worth exploring or at least discussing.

I suggest inviting your child to come up with suggestions for working through family matters.

"I really love new ideas.”

"Sometimes it's great doing things differently”

"Have you got some other ideas that might help?”

I know of one family who awards the child that has the most creative idea for the week.

Our children are growing up in a world where developing a growth mindset will give them the confidence to experiment, try new initiatives and fit into a very flexible world. Predictability may not be the order of the day.

By being open to including your child in family discussions and brainstorming, you are being consistent with how children learn at school. This method is called the Inquiry approach and children are encouraged to ask questions, try out ideas and explore options. This is how best they learn.

So consider the following:

• Be open to their suggestions.
• Keep an open mind on what they have to say.
• Encourage creativity.
• Applaud the effort not so much the result, and,
• Reward the interest in independent learning and thinking.

How's your mindset?

Getting away from the maddening crowds.

Busy families make for busy and noisy times. It is sometimes hard to find that special one on one time with children.

A family operates as a whole unit and how they talk to each other is often done in the group and not one on one. Too may interferences and interactions make it difficult to hear the individual cry of the child. If you are a second or a third child you were born into a noisy family. Sometimes the simple design of the home can make for less chances to talk individually to children.

When I chat to parents who are struggling to identify with some unacceptable behaviour, I make a very simple recommendation. Surprise them! Take them out of school for the afternoon and just spend one on one time with them. Give them this unusual treat and it is quite surprising how they respond. You will be giving them some quality time together that is just special for the two of you.

This approach I recommend often surprises parents, given my role as a Principal. I suspect that the child you will be taking out will not be the first child. Often it is the second or third. Their special time gives them a sense of being heard. Invite them to suggest another way to find some special time together when it is needed.

What's to lose in one afternoon away from school?

One on one can encourage better communication between you and your child.

Keep it cool. A calm, steady parent wins the day!

When your children tell you something that might be a surprise or even a shock, be cool about it. Show them that you are very interested in what they said and would like to learn more. You may be really in shock, especially if it's of a big nature. Children will talk more to us about their issues if they think parents are calm and will listen. If they see a reaction, they are more inclined to shut down or not tell us at all.

Keep chatting about what is on their mind. They look for our reaction throughout the conversation.

A friend told me that her son informed her that when he was younger and moved to a secondary school he was offered drugs on his very first day. The horrified mother said that had she known, she would have been up to that school and sorted it out very quickly. The son,  (now twenty one years of age) said "and that mum is why I never told you". I suspect that if her son felt his parents would work through the issue calmly, he may have told them.

Our children will talk to us about serious matters if they know we listen with understanding. We are better equipped then to show empathy and work through the problem together. So be cool when chatting about matters that can be serious. This way you respect what they have to say without making early judgements.

When children talked to me about matters concerning them in the school setting, I  would usually begin by saying, "It sounds like you have a problem. Thanks for talking to me". This sets the scene for a calm discussion. 

How can you encourage your child to discuss serious subjects?

Weigh it up

Children really enjoy using practical tools to help reflect on their feelings. They enjoy touching and feeling objects and working in practical ways.

Try using your scales at home. Collect a few pebbles. The child, when chatting about their problems, can put a pebble on the scale.

"Hmm that's a heavy problem?"

As the pebbles mount, talk about how these problems just weigh you down. Then invite them to talk about happy experiences that may lighten their load. Put these pebbles on the other side of the scale. Talk about times when they were able to solve their problems. 

Sometimes just putting the pebbles on the problem side is enough. As you talk about what can take that problem away, you remove the pebbles and comment on how things seem lighter.

" It seems you worked out how to solve that problem."

When I have used this activity with children they are often keen to paint faces on the rocks to express their feelings. This could be an activity to do with them before you use the scales. 

There are many variations of this idea. For example, putting the rocks in a bag and just feeling the weight.

"Problems can be heavy can't they?"

The principle is about children reflecting on lightening their load. It is amazing how such a practical and simple activity can make a difference with the younger child. In a child's mind, problems just mount throughout the week and can quickly seem insurmountable. Many of these problems can melt away quickly with such a simple activity and positive talk. Sometimes a child will just play with the rocks and talk about their problems.

There's easy strategies to help lighten your childs load.

We all have different ways of seeing the world.

Every home is different. Every family operates at their own pace and in their own style. This is sometimes complicated by two parents who operate differently around their child when it comes to discipline, generosity etc.

It is hard to teach the children values when all around in other families are different scenarios. It is not uncommon to hear parents says that the pressure is on them as they do not approve of certain things that operate in other homes. For example, when to give a child an Ipad, what can they watch on television? How much free time do they have? Every family will have their own momentum which brings out the best and sometimes the worst with our children.

The best advice to give families is to include the following values when setting up arrangements in the family home.

• Firstly be consistent, if you have a rule, then doing your best in being consistent will show the child that the rule has value in your eyes.
• Listen with interest when they tell you how other children have more opportunities than themselves. Gently explain that you work under a different plan and that negotiation can be part of it as time moves on. For example, you may have rules about bedtime. As the child gets older, that rule can shift to suit the age of the child.
• Technology is a big challenge for parents and setting the rules around its use should be done so that the child is really clear how it works in their home.
• Have a family conference from time to time to look at the rules and conditions that have been set up. They may need some tweeking and this is chance to listen to your child about their desire for change.
• Sometimes putting reminders on fridges is a great way to freshen family values.
• Affirm the child for being part of the family arrangements which can change by negotiation.

I have heard of some families going out to celebrate a successful month in working on home matters. Teaching your child to be inclusive is all about being part of a team.

Whatever the plan in your home, keep in mind that the child should feel included, understood and valued. What you teach them by doing this is that their opinion matters as a family member.