Choose your battles

Are you the type of parent that becomes determined to deal with every conflictual situation that comes your way with your child? If so, are you exhausted? I would suggest that you consider choosing your battles and making well-informed decisions about the important matters that affect you and the family.

Teachers are very skilled at choosing their battles. They recognise that there are many factors that can impinge on a child’s behaviour from day to day. They try to understand what those factors are and this will guide them on how to respond when unacceptable behavioural issues occur. Sometimes they simply avoid noticing problems to reduce built-up tensions with the child in the classroom.

Here are a few thoughts on why choosing your battles is important in maintaining a strong and happy relationship with your child:

• Remember that there are many triggers that can set off poor behaviour which can escalate quickly. Before spontaneously reacting try to understand and listen to your child before responding too quickly. You may learn what drove the behaviour.

• Reflect on how quickly you react to situations. Is it possible for you to slow down and reflect a little deeper on the matter before you react? Are their triggers that set you off?

• Some of the behaviours that you dislike in your child, are they small irritants and can some of them be let go. The less we find ourselves reacting to children’s behaviour, the calmer we feel and also the child.

• You will gain a better response from your child if you only target problems that really need to be addressed. Challenging everything from slamming the door to being untidy can reduce a child’s interest in responding positively. They begin to see you as the nagger and their attention to your concerns is less.

• When you do target the serious matters do it in a way where you express your concerns and talk about the impact the behaviour has had on you and others.

• ‘I am disappointed that you hit your brother. He is now upset and it will take some time for me to settle him down.’ Here you are expressing really sound reasons about an incident that needs to be addressed. Choosing this battle will be effective and not clouded by smaller less important issues. This way the child knows that it is a serious business.

•  In choosing the important battles, this is a good time to really reflect on what are the triggers that really upset you. Remember that some of the smaller matters may not even have value or concern to other members of the family. What drives your feelings of disappointment?

•  Remember that many children’s behaviours are not done to get your attention or to annoy you. In fact, some are done simply to satisfy themselves. For example, playing in the mud, banging on pots etc. The challenge for you, the parent is to decide on what is important in their behaviour to change. What, within reason can you ignore? What is disturbing to you and the family? Can you tolerate some behaviour that simply is done for pleasure? It is worth reflecting on why you want or need to change some behaviour. After more reflection, you may be surprised at what you can let go. The more relaxed you become about incidentals, the better balanced you are in recognising what are significant problems.

Finally, it is a balancing act. Choose the battles that are necessary to change inappropriate behaviour, but loosen up on the less important behaviour that from time to time cross your path.

      ‘Pick your battles.

      You don’t have to show up to every

        ARGUMENT you are invited to.’

        -Mandy Hale

Keeping track of the media for children

There is so much news at the moment about the distressing situation in Ukraine, the ongoing battle with Covid and other local issues. The recent floods were very disturbing in Australia. It doesn’t take long for children to pick up that there is much anxiety and stress in our world.

Children’s exposure to television is a common way in which they pick up the news and often news items come intermittently throughout the day. Snippets of distressing news items appear across the screen spontaneously and often underlined in bold are the words, Breaking News. Immediately our eyes are drawn to the words and we anticipate reading something that has a shock factor. Our children are familiar with how television stations present their news and they can become conditioned into waiting with anticipation for what comes next.

No surprise that our children can be anxious about what they see and hear on the news. Also, schoolyard gossip can be quite instrumental in building feelings of anxiety about matters around which your child has no control.

Understanding that we live in a world where exposure to sudden shock news is evident, there are some practical ways in which you the parents can control what they are exposed to across the week.

• Keep an eye on the television when it is in public view. Children’s programs are controlled for news but not with other programs that are not child censored. This may mean turning off the television more frequently and being around your child during their viewing time.

• Have family conversations about how news works and encourage your child to talk about any issues they have seen which upset them. Your child needs to feel secure and comfortable in talking to you about feelings of being unsettled or issues that are disturbing.

• Consider where your television is placed in the house. Are you able to see and hear what they are watching? Being in the background and in easy reach of the remote is so important.

• Also, if you have newspapers lying around the house, if the headlines are provocative statements, keep them away from your child. It is very hard for children to understand the subtlety of newspaper headlines which can be conflicting and unsettling for little eyes.

• Educate your child about the news of the day. They should be kept up with what is important news but it must be age-appropriate and discussed in a gentle and responsible way. Teaching your child to read news with a responsible and objective outlook is important.

• As parents, we want our children to be gradually introduced into our wondrous world. We prepare them for what is ahead and we understand that they will take on global challenges in different ways. Giving them a slow and stable introduction to what the world presents on paper and screen is the best way for them to develop a critical and responsive eye, decipher the truth and put things into perspective. Anxiety is often bred from ignorance and a parent’s role is to give their child optimum opportunities to be in control of that anxiety.

‘It is commonly agreed that children spend more hours per year watching television than in the classroom, and far less in actual conversations with the parents.’

-Paul Wehrich

The importance of getting support when needed

As parents we simply don’t have all the answers. Just when we think we are on top of matters, our child surprises us with new challenges. They are growing all the time and with that growth comes new interests and new exposures to different experiences and challenges. We need to be ready and prepared as our parenting changes to accommodate our growing child.

It is mentally healthy to recognise that seeking help is an excellent response when needed.

Think about it for a moment. How you talk and parent a seven-year-old will be completely different to how you parent that child when turning fourteen. Who gives you the advice as your parenting needs to adjust to a child who is on the path to seeking independence and demanding personal space, independent thinking etc? This article is to remind you, the parent that seeking advice and help is a natural part of your ever evolving growth as a parent. You see we have to change as well as the child.

 Sometimes we can develop irrational thoughts on seeking advice.

Negative thoughts could include:

• If I cannot manage my child’s behaviour, I must be a failure as a parent. I don’t deserve that feeling when I try so hard.

• If I am in control I would not be at loggerheads with my child and feel useless in managing their behaviour. Why do I have these feelings of inadequacy when it is my child who has behaviour problems?

• I am embarrassed that I cannot manage my child and other people must consider me a bad parent.

• Perhaps my child is really bad and I have done a poor job in rearing them. Perhaps it is my fault after all.

These irrational thoughts can steer us aware from seeking help.

 When you seek help:

• You demonstrate that you value education. The more you know, the more capable, calm and confident you are in understanding the situation for what it is. It is a sound thing for your child to see that you are keen to learn more about parenting.

• It shows you care enough about your child to go beyond your own fears and seek others out for advice.

• It also demonstrates that you can recognise that there is a problem and that independent support is to be valued and respected.

• It shows your maturity in recognising that there are many ways to solve problems and using experienced support will be welcomed.

When seeking help consider places such as your local school and of course talking to your child’s teachers. They are wise enough to understand that home behaviour can be different from school.

Nowadays it is not difficult to look online for parental support and everything from psychologists to the local councils, welfare agencies etc. often run courses to help parents.

 By engaging such support, you will:

• Realise that your parenting is normal. There is no such thing as perfect parenting.

• They will provide moral and emotional support.

• They can help you work out a plan to address your concerns. Organisations can give you other networks to assist as well.

 Above all consider:

• It is normal to come across roadblocks in parenting. In fact, expect them from time to time. They are challenge points.

• As children grow their needs change and this will naturally challenge your parenting.

• It is mentally healthy to recognise that seeking help is an excellent response when needed.

Throughout your life as a parent, you are learning how to parent. It is not a static process and just like any form of learning we all need good teachers.

‘Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.’

-Charles R Swindoll

Differences in families

Did you notice that when your child started school there were many external influences that started to influence your child’s behaviour? Sometimes parents can become anxious when their child comes home, spouting different values from other children. This can be quite off putting for your family, especially as you have worked so hard to provide the best climate for your child in which to grow.

Well, we can always home school if we want our children to not be exposed to other thoughts, ideas and opinions. Of course, such an act will limit your child from being part of the real world. So, I believe embracing the differences in a responsible way is the best response.

 Consider:

• You are the most significant model for your child, especially in their early years. How you model your behaviour and life beliefs has the greatest value for them. However, a child will explore other values that they see and hear and, in some cases, admire. Be consistent with yours.

• When your child talks about what other families do and you don’t, best to listen with interest and talk about how that family embraces different concepts. If your child sees that you respect other families and their differences, they are more inclined to take you seriously.

• Take care not to criticise other families and their habits. That makes a child more curious to learn about the differences.

• Be inclusive. Your child will bring home friends that may challenge you in some way. Be accepting of who they bring home and do not be exclusive, especially with invitations for parties etc. Let your child see how you accept everyone with all their differences, but you strongly celebrate your own.

• Sometimes your child may talk about differences they notice and admire in other families. Listen with interest and ask questions. This is a great time to discuss how families have their own unique culture.

• Teachers are conscious to move children in their class onto different tables across the year. This is done to give all children exposure to each other and to learn from each other in different ways. Even if your child comes home angry that he is sitting next to the unpopular kid in the class, you can use this as an opportunity for him to work harder and learn about someone who is clearly different. We learn so much more about each other from adversity. It is very easy to enjoy likeminded friends. With others less likeable, we must develop more demanding social skills.

• There are many school-based occasions such as sports day, carnivals etc., when you as a family can meet a new set of parents and children. Let your child see how you seek out new people to meet and greet. Show them that being inclusive widens our thinking and demonstrates emotional maturity.

• When your child talks about a new friend they met at school, or chats about how they tried to include someone new into their group, affirm them.

‘I am so proud that you included that sad child into your group. How generous you are and what a difference it will make to them.’

It is a positive way of reinforcing the value of inclusion into a family of friends.

There is much to be learnt when a child starts school. Their emotional and social growth is all the richer for embracing the wonderfully rich tapestry of different families across the years.

‘It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognise, accept and celebrate those differences.’

-Audre Lorde

When home life changes

We all know that personal assurance for children is so important in their life to give them a feeling of being safe and secure. However, life can sometimes interfere with the perfect journey of children from birth to adulthood. Life can change in an instant or it can be slow and a gradual relinquishing of feeling secure. Shock can enter the scene and some children have many facets of grief to work through over time. No reasonable adult wants this for their child but life can change and this will involve the children.

It is a natural consequence that their sense of security and well being will be affected. They will go through many emotions including:

• Were they at fault?

• What about feelings of being left alone?

• Are they still really loved?

• Feeling insecure and less capable individuals.

 Their list goes on but overall, the child feels fragile and a great sense of loss.

The parent will be experiencing a mixture of feelings themselves and may rely on their children for emotional support. Feeling vulnerable as a parent means that emotional expectations will be high for the child.

 Consider:

• Always reassure the child that they are loved by both parents. It is most important to comment on both parents.

• Reassure your child that the breakup was not of their doing. They are free of any responsibility. Keep reassuring your child about this fact as they can quickly slip into a belief that they caused it.

• Keep home life stable as is possible. Make sure that the child knows exactly where when and with whom they are on each day. They will become quite anxious if there is instability and frequent change in this area. Even being on time for pickups is so important to offer reassurance to the child.

• Remember that one on one time and quality listening time with your child is important while crisis is underway.

• Let them talk and give them time to express themselves about what is on their mind. Often a child will go quiet when crisis hits. Best to keep the conversation flowing.

• Behaviour can change as the child deals with their anxiety. Be tolerant and patient when you receive mixed messages from poor behaviour. School performance can suddenly drop off and interest in outside activities can diminish.

• As adult emotions under crisis can be expressive, try not to criticise or talk badly about the individuals involved. A child listens and will be quite confused and talk less when there is unhealthy dialogue around people they love.

The key point is to provide ongoing love, understanding, reassurance and stability in difficult times. Try to remember that whilst you are going through a personal crisis, there is no avoiding that your child will be experiencing emotionally charged times. Accept that you will need support and so to your child. Rely on family support and networks that will minimise some of the impacts. All support is welcome.

‘In family crisis, parents have the opportunity to show children not to fear life uncertainties but to meet them head on Together, strengthened by unity.’

-Elle C Mayberry

Catching good behaviour isn’t that difficult

 We certainly are quick to notice the behaviour that troubles us. We have an immediate reaction to stop it and deal with the matter which is annoying us. How often do we reward our child in spontaneous ways? Do we notice the various spontaneous occasions that can be rewarded and often through different ways?

Never underestimate the value of the positive words you use with your children. There is a clever way of getting even smarter with words and that is by picking up on spontaneous positive moments you notice.

‘You certainly have good manners. Thanks for passing the bread so quickly.’

‘I love the way you close the care door gently. It is good manners.’

‘I notice how you listen to your friends when they tell you, their stories. You are a very empathetic person.’

‘What a gentleman. You carried the groceries in to the kitchen.’

‘How happy you make me when I see how you care for your little brother.’

‘Thanks for picking up the mess. I am just too tired.’

‘You are such a fair person when you play games. You always share with the other person.’

Note that all the above are incidental statements that can be said on the run. The trick is to notice behaviour at a deeper level and comment on how they impact on you or are just simply noticed qualities you admire. The use of good language is important. Sometimes we forget to praise behaviour that is actually building emotional maturity. This involves affirming their generosity, kindness to others, empathy to children. If you think about today’s experiences, were there occasions where you could have simply noticed something you like about your child?

Once a child realises that you notice and appreciate them in different forms, they are more inclined to repeat that behaviour. What you notice about them is how you define them. Their sense of how they are valued comes from how you treat them and especially the words you use to describe them.

There are many ways to listen to your child and one special way is to affirm them in subtle ways.  You are listening to their rhythm of life and celebrating what makes them special.

‘Affirm people. Affirm your children. Believe in them, not in what you see but in what you don’t see. their potential.’

-Stephen R Covey

Respect the difference each child brings to the family

How often do we hear ourselves uttering how different our children are?

We often ask the question,

‘How can they be so different and yet they come from the same family?’

‘Why is my second child so different in temperament to my first child?’

‘Where did I get these children from?’

So many confused and challenging thoughts go through our minds when we reflect on the often-profound differences we see in our children.

There is a different mixture of genes in each child and this will provide a variety of personalities, physical differences, etc. Also, each child has different experiences in the same family especially given their order in the family. They will often see the same situation in a completely different way.

Talk to the first child and they will tell you about expectations placed on them. Sometimes a second child takes more risks and is not so uptight and focussed on perfections. And so, the variation goes on.

What we need to keep in mind is that each child is an individual and will expect to be treated as an individual with understanding and empathy to their special temperament. Treating all children, the same may not always work.

Have you noticed that when you have your second child your parenting changes and this means that your second child will be treated slightly differently? There are multiple variations in how we parent over time and this is all part of the shifting tapestry of family over the years.

Consider:

• How you parent should and will be different for all your children.

• Children who tend to be active, unsettled and strong willed will require more attention and parenting will need to be focussed with lots of understanding and boundaries.

• Celebrate their differences. Make it clear to all the family that you love their differences and that each one is a special individual. This is important as sibling rivalry can easily start up when differences are highlighted in a negative way.

• Sometimes more demanding children will need more of your attention. This is normal and can sometimes make parents anxious that they are not giving enough time to quieter, less troubled children. You are human and can only spread yourself so far. It is just a fact that some children need you more. It happens in all families.

• Tap into each child at a special one-on-one time. A child loves this time and it helps them feel personally connected to you.

• A child loves their one-on-one time with you the parent and also, they love their connected time with siblings. Try and provide a balance so that the family enjoy stable happy times together where their individualism is still given room to grow. The more we acknowledge their differences, the greater symmetry you have as a family and the more understanding for each other is expressed.

‘Kids don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember who you are.’

-Jim Henson

Consider avoiding confrontation where possible.

As children grow older, you may find it better to avoid confrontations and find different ways to amend the situation. Confrontation can be a damaging process for all involved. This is also about being proactive where possible. The less confrontation you have, the better you feel and the overall happiness of the house is maintained. More conflict or the anticipation of potential conflict makes for an unhappy situation.

If your child is inclined to be confronting you about requests you make, consider temporarily delaying the discussion until they are more inclined to listen and work with you over the matter. Finding the right time for both parent and child can make such a difference to the outcome.

Also plan ahead. If you anticipate that your child will react to your request have early discussions about what you expect and how you will help your child reach those goals. Set the scene so that it is not such a big surprise later.

Give your child choices. For example, ‘It is important to clean up the room so that you can go to basketball training’. Make it a clear statement that one action leads to the other. Your child might create their own choices that work for both of you.

Some children need you to be very specific and say it as it is. Without clear directions and consequences, it is difficult for the child to grasp the extent of the problem. Of course, from time to time it is important to sit quietly and actively listen to how they feel about a range of matters. Children who can be confrontational need frequent discussions as they are often quick to be reactive and need your gentle listening skills to understand how they deal with frustration.

In working with children who were quick to be confrontative, it took some time to build a relationship and get them to trust that you were a listener and understood how they felt. They needed to feel reassured that you were not quick to react when you heard things that might make you unsettled. Far too often quick to react children are labelled trouble makers and they often fit that pattern and become easily labelled. Bad experiences beget bad experiences.

 Sometimes parents like setting up contracts with children. I am not a great fan of this method but it can work if both parents and child feel comfortable about the process. Don’t forget to affirm your child when they honour the contract. It is most important here that they feel recognised.

 ‘I statements’ are a clear message to the child about how you feel and don’t forget the wonderful effect of positive ‘I’ statements.

 ‘I really appreciate you cleaning up the yard and now we can find more time to play together. That contract really works.’

Above all understand that confrontation is sometimes necessary. However, with careful planning, strong effective listening and an empathetic approach to your child, the impact of confrontation is reduced.

‘Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.’

-Dorothy Thomas

Who has rights in the family?

Everybody has rights in a family. No one is excluded from having rights, no matter what age or disposition. When we reflect more deeply on this, it can help us put things into perspective. Often, we can be overwhelmed by our role as parents and unsure about our rights in that role. We can sometimes wonder about the vulnerability of our children and what part we play in making them secure. Where do we draw the lines of responsibility and accountability?

A child has a right to be physically nurtured and this includes providing food, shelter, emotional security, etc. They also have a right to grow up feeling safe and secure. This safety is all about physical, sexual and emotional safety.

A child also has a right to be educated and intellectually stimulated bringing them to an independent, happy adult. These rights sound practical and logical but we all know that there is deprivation in some situations. As a responsible parent, it is comforting and reassuring to know that you are honouring what is an expectation from society.

From time to time, as a parent, it can be frustrating when you feel that acting in a strict controlling way may be reducing their liberties. Are you treating your child in an appropriate manner? Is it acceptable for me to control punishments and cause unhappiness?

 The best advice here is:

• If you are disciplining fairly and justly with an understanding of a child’s needs by active listening then you are acting in the best interests of the child.

• Parents have rights. These include deciding on how you will rear your child subject to the aforementioned child’s needs.

• As a parent, you can look at the standards of behaviour that are acceptable to you. Using discipline is acceptable and once again all seen in the context of the rights of the child.

• Surprisingly I would add that you have the right to find time for yourself and nurture yourself. Such self-care strengthens good parenting and is necessary for personal satisfaction.

• You also have the right to be treated with respect and dignity by your child. The best way to set this up is to model the same behaviour to your child.

Over the past few years, schools must develop a Code of Conduct. This includes understanding the rights of children, the dignity of staff, community needs, equal opportunity etc. It is quite an exercise and staff take time to study and develop their Code of Conduct.  Once developed it is a living document practised by the school. Whilst families don’t formally develop such documents it is good to remind ourselves that as family, we need to live around each other sensitive to each other’s rights.  By setting comfortable boundaries that come with understanding and flexibility for the growing child, we set up a safe environment for everyone.

These rights simply remind us that both children and adults should be given special priority as human beings. The more we model sound parenting with an understanding of a child’s growing and changing needs, the better the return in how they respect and treat us in the long run. Good modelling begets good modelling.

‘When we don’t stand up for children... then we don’t stand for much.’

Marian W Edelman

Keep the conversations alive and frequent with your child

Now that school is back, our children will feel all the demands and expectations being placed on schools with regard to health and safety matters concerning the state of the virus in schools.  They will also be reflecting on how they will personally manage under the circumstances and questioning what really makes them safe. Of course, there will be much reassurance coming from teachers and as the parent, you will be putting everything in place as requested by the school and Government requirements.

 Actually, whilst we will all do our best, consider what is important to help your child process through the days, weeks, months and terms ahead? Children will always want to do the right thing and will be anxious if rules are broken or the messages unclear. They will then begin to feel vulnerable and anxious about what to believe. What I recommend is simply to keep the conversations alive at home.

 Consider:

• Conversations should be active and frequent at home with regard to how you are all managing the rules. Let your child tell their story about how their day went and what influenced decisions. Let them feel comfortable in talking about their fears and troubles across the day which at times could be challenging.

• Encouraging conversation invites your child to keep the talk going about how they are feeling or concerns they have that need addressing. Schoolyard talk can incite fears and phobias. Frequent parental talk can easily dispel such fears.

• Conversations need to be positive about how so many successful approaches are being taken to help at school. Remember that providing hope is an important part of our narrative.

• In the conversation invite your child to talk about how the rules at school are working. Talk about a fundamental point which is, that it is all about feeling safe. Demonstrate that you trust and value the work the school is doing to make your child safe. Feeling safe is the bottom line when it comes to conversation

• Regular small spontaneous discussions can be the order of the day. It is all about giving children a chance to discuss their feelings and their journey through the pandemic. Small incidental reassuring chats can make all the difference

• Be an effective and patient listener when your child talks about their experiences. If any issues concern you try to keep emotion in tact as children will pick up your anxiety quickly.

• Talking about issues that make you anxious can be very emotionally tiring. Choose the best time to talk to your children and keep it sweet and to the point. A child’s day should be primarily filled with joy. The topic of the pandemic is heavy.

• Remember that classrooms will be frequently discussing their health agendas and teachers will treat it as part of the normal daily routine. When talking to your child about the topic, build it into some normal routine if possible. Perhaps a discussion at dinner or bedtime etc. You will be the best judge of the timing and place.

Finally, the best protection for our children is to keep gently educating them on how we are understanding and managing the virus.  Knowledge is power and they are entitled to be in control of that themselves. The more they are in control of themselves, the mentally safer they are and the happier they will be in being personally confident.

‘You’ve always had the POWER my dear, you just had to learn it for YOURSELF.’

                 -Wizard of Oz’

The last breath of our summer holidays - let it linger longer.

As we enter the last phase of our summer holidays, I imagine there are many thoughts going through our minds about starting up again in 2022. What will this look like we wonder? How can I give hope and joy to my children when there is still so much around that is a cause of anxiety? Let me remind everyone that the Summer is still with us and so too the last breath of the summer holidays. So, enjoy! Don’t let them be compromised by anxious preparations for the new school year.

 Consider:

• Now could be an excellent time to take time to talk with your family taking stock of all the relaxation and fun you have been having together. What have you really enjoyed about these holidays?

• Discuss how you can get the best out of the last few weeks before routine begins again.

• Now is also a time to start some gentle talk about what you as a family have put in place for the year. Does it include more holidays? Are their surprises, celebrations that need planning together? Talk up the positive aspects of the year that you are looking forward to.

• Perhaps you can start the talk about how the vaccine has influenced our world. It will be important to discuss the plans you have to combat the virus and provide safety for your children. This reassurance is important as they contemplate school.

• Are there some fun habits that you have developed as a family over the holidays? What can you bring from the holidays into your daily routine?

• Some of our best weather comes into February and March. Can you plan some special weekends ahead once school starts? This eases the children more comfortably into the year and reminds them of the balance between work and family leisure. It can be quite a sharp contrast going from summer holidays back to school.

• Schools are starting to awake for the new school year and I appreciate that planning for school will come into the next few weeks. Tap into it gently and keep the lingering of Summer longer in the mind of the family. A child will learn best once refreshed and feeling secure with their family surrounds.

• We hear on the news, daily statistics regarding Covid. It can feel overwhelming and certainly puts a damper to a day’s start. Control the news around the children. A day should be started enthusiastically and without anxiety for a child.

Above all the child will get the best from this year after a great summer start. Give it a boost of enthusiasm in the last few weeks and above all give them a sense that 2022 will be a year of much more certainty and hope.

‘The tans will fade but the memories may last forever’.

                                       -Town and Country magazine

There is so much fatigue in worrying

How much time do we take up worrying? In the climate we are now living in, it is not difficult to slip into excessive worry. When we allow it the liberty to take over our headspace, we are often quite sad, tired and can easily fall prey to fear. Worry can destabilise our life and certainly detract from building healthy relationships.

Our children quickly pick up our emotional dispositions and this can induce their own form of worrying about us as a stable source of reliability.

As parents, the best we can be to our children is to be a stable, constant, happy influence, that proactively and responsibly embraces life, no matter what the climate we live in. Children feel secure when their parents feel secure. It’s as simple and as complicated as that!

Consider the following thoughts that invite us to hold a positive, hopeful disposition that acts as a stable framework for our children.  

• Keeping humour alive in the family is key to making everyone feel at ease. A little laughter a day sets off the right mood for feeling well mentally.

• Be authentic with your children. If you need to talk about the latest issues regarding the pandemic talk truthfully and ensure that a sense of hope is included in the discussion.

• Talk to your child in a warm way. Keep anxious voices away from little ears. It is amazing how the tone of your voice sends messages to your child.

• Get plenty of rest and don’t feel guilty about that! The more you are rested, the better your mental and physical wellbeing. By looking after yourself you are in the best place to offer a stable, happy parent image to your child.

• Exercise and play sport with your child. Such physical experiences together set off positive messages to the brain that all is well with the world and with us.

• Be aware of social media, television, news etc that cycles around your family house. With so much negative talk about the virus, a child can easily get clouded by shock news that easily sucks away happiness from their day.

• Be open and invite conversation. Listen to what your child asks about the issues that unsettle them. If they feel there is an invitation to talk, they will be more open especially about awkward topics. In today’s climate, they need the reassurance that they can have a voice.

• Be intuitive. If you see an opportunity to engage with your child, take advantage of it. This could happen through merely picking up a ball and kicking it to them, sitting with them as they work on their Lego, a fun group hug together. Worry is reduced through spontaneous, happy experiences done on the run.

• Read books together that make you both feel good. Sometimes just enjoying reading and not focussing on developing learning is so invigorating.

• Don’t be frightened to slow down. Does your day have to be so crowded? Hopefully, we learn a lot from our relaxed beach holidays. Less can give us much more as a family.

‘Worry less, Smile More, Don’t Regret

Just Learn and Grow’

                   -Unknown

Giving children a real sense of Christmas

This is a time of giving and there is so much advertising around the shops, television etc. that can cloud one’s thinking and destroy the balance of giving and receiving.

This is also a time to be teaching our children about the gift of generosity and the spirit of Christmas which is about giving of oneself generously. 

Schools will be getting ready to close for the school year and will be farewelling their children, putting closure on their times together and reflecting on how this year has presented its challenges and opportunities. Certainly, a time for our own children to reflect on what they have learnt from yet another strange cycle of school life, lockdowns etc.

Despite all the ups and downs when we come around to Christmas it is an opportunity to demonstrate the value of giving, sharing and being inclusive in so many ways. In a strange way, having had such challenges personally this year, should teach our children the exceptional value of Christmas as it is all about simply coming together and connecting.

Consider the following thoughts that may help as we get closer to school closure and reflect on the message of Christmas.

• Tap in with your child and ask how they are farewelling their class. Talk about being inclusive with parties and acknowledging everyone as Christmas is not “bah humbug” but about everyone.

• Talk about Scrooge in the story of The Christmas Story. This character by nature of his mean attitude suffered loneliness as he was so self-centred and ended up lonely and isolated. This story just invites thoughts about those children in the class who are less included. The more we use opportunities to talk about inclusivity and wellbeing for all, the better we disperse the Christmas spirit. This year, particularly is a reminder about isolation and loneliness. Our children can now easily identify with that feeling after so much isolation in their own life.

• Some families choose to connect to a well-recognised charity at Christmas time. This is a wonderful opportunity to talk about the charities that do such good work at Christmas time.

• Check in with your child’s teacher to see if there are any unresolved issues that need discussion or follow up. Given the unusually short school term, some children may need special closure on different aspects of school.  Never underestimate it is the same for all children.

• In talking with your child about the school year, tap in to any anxiety that may be there about starting a new grade in 2022. Less school contact hours in the previous year can make some children anxious about being successful. They may feel concerned about beginning again after such an interrupted year. This particularly applies to those children who worry about being correct all the time. Think about how change effects your child.

• As news evolves about shifting patterns with the Covid pandemic, ensure that you inform your children well about the status quo. They need frequent, accurate information that is age appropriate and always tempered with a sense of hope. You are their best source of being well informed and feeling safe.

 Let’s see the approach of school closure and Christmas as an opportunity for families to plan, rest, recovery and renew a sense of hope and faith in our world that needs stability, reassurance and joy for our children. Families are a key factor in giving our children hope for their future. Christmas is a perfect time for families to take stock and renew that gift of hope.

“For it is in giving that we receive.”

St Francis of Assisi

If you wish to change behaviour, be prepared to change yourself

We get very weary when we see the same unpleasant behaviour repeated in our children. It can be exasperating and our reaction can sometimes lead to further disapproving behaviour. So, the cycle goes on which further adds to frustration. When that happens, we need to put other strategies in place. Those strategies are all about getting the child to hear that such behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change. However, the change is for the right reasons and this is where your change comes into play as the parent.

 Consider the following thoughts.

• Can we really expect our child to change the behaviour if they don’t see that anything is wrong? Often when we correct them, they simply do not see that their behaviour is unacceptable. We sometimes mistake this as they are just not listening.

• A child is more likely to change their behaviour if they understand that their actions have implications on you. After all it is you, the parent who is upset.

• When a child sees that they are causing you some upset by their behaviour, they are more inclined to change it not because it is wrong but because it affects you.

‘I need to get to the car quickly to pick up your brother. The toys in the hallway are blocking me.’

Here you are inviting them to remove the toys not because the child is wrong but the presence in the hallway limits your access to the door.

‘I need your help in the kitchen as I have only a small time to read bed stories to your younger brother.’

 Here it is about getting assistance to take the pressure of the bedtime stories.

The change for you, the parent is to remember to give the reasons why you need the behaviour to change. When you do this, the child feels more aware of your needs and sees their behaviour as interfering with your needs. Generally, they will be more sympathetic in changing their behaviour.

‘When you speak in a soft voice, my headache feels a little better.’

Children often do not register that their actions are considered poorly until it is pointed out how their actions interfere with another’s life.

Many teachers have mastered the art of working closely with children and reducing conflict in the classroom by building in sound explanations for actions taken.

‘Thanks for closing the door. The noise outside is a distraction.’

There are two main thoughts here in this article, Firstly, if you want to change behaviour you will need to think about the reason you want that behaviour changed. Secondly, you will need to build this reason into your request.

‘Please pick up your toys in the loungeroom. I don’t want to trip on them.’ 

Building into your words the reasons for changing behaviour gives the child an honest understanding of what is causing the problem for you. For them it may not be a problem at all.

‘Focus on the solution and not on the problem.’

-Jim Rohn

Developing new curriculum with political agendas attached

Trying to build in politically correct curriculum in a primary setting is thwart with difficulty. For a start, children are slowly developing reason and this takes time and patience. If you give them information that has no relevance to their world, it is not likely to be retained in the longer term nor comprehended effectively.

Primary years are foundational years, where the curriculum should be mainly around developing a child’s literacy and numeracy skills. It touches on areas such as science and technology, raising awareness of the arts, physical education and of course social skills and some history. That is a very brief explanation. A child should leave the primary school with confidence in their ability to learn independently and to have an inquiring mind into learning. It is not a time to influence children in politically orientated agendas, which will always change over time. A confident learner, who is open to learning, is what we want for our children. When they are older and can reason and rationalise, then discussing political matters has its purpose.

In my experience of over 29 years as Principal, I have worked through at least four major changes in curriculum and I have developed some clear beliefs about this topic. The mere fact that changes occur sends shudders through teachers who have to relearn and professionally skill themselves with new material to teach, assess, plan etc. They will also bemoan the fact that much time is taken in class for realigning curriculum which means less teaching time. Teachers are by nature learners and will always try new material but of course within reason.

Teachers in a primary setting know all too well that they are developing children socially, emotionally, intellectually and physically. It is a mixture of many things, which ultimately bring a child to a sense of feeling secure and happy in their learning style.

 Curriculum should:

• Enable children to be confidently literate and numerate. This is a significant focus in our primary schools. Without these basic skills, understanding the world is very difficult. Tackling secondary school can be so difficult, given that they have expectations that are challenging for those less skilled in literacy and numeracy.

• Invite children to question. The more they question and engage in talking about their work, the greater capacity they have to learn.

• Be relevant for the times, having a focus on science and technology.

• Ensure success and feelings of well being are built into all programs.

• Give children a sense that they are capable learners.

The fundamental point here is that whatever new curriculum is designed, it needs to be robust and demand the best from our children. It should not be sullied or compromised by the inclusion of current political agendas. Having seen various curriculum initiatives over the years, the quality of teaching will only bring curriculum to life. The content is only a guideline, a framework. All is in the hands of the teacher. Let’s hear it for the skill of teachers!

‘Good teachers teach. Great teachers transform.’

                  - Queen Rania of Jordan

What to keep from our lockdown experience?

Despite the very hard nature of the lockdown and the limitations placed on ourselves and families, we can say that from adversity sometimes comes new thinking and helpful lessons for life. Here are some valuable gains that may have come from your lockdown experiences.

Feeling better about yourself

Have you noticed that there are some changes in yourself that have suited you very well and in fact nourished your wellbeing?  Have these changes made you feel happy? Can you build those changes into your new post lockdown world? This will keep nourishing the spirit as you adjust to your new life, post lockdown.

The value of personal time

Did you find that you discovered some personal time? Did this personal space give you feelings of satisfaction? How can you keep some special time for yourself now that lockdown and our busy life returns? The more at peace you are, the greater feeling of stability for your child.

What have you learnt about yourself?

Did you learn something new about yourself during lockdown? Perhaps you found some creative aspect to your life that was enriching and life-giving. Can you find space in your life now to keep that precious gift alive and active in your reshaped world? When your child sees you grow, they are inspired for themselves.

The development of new family habits

Did you develop some wonderful habits or even rituals that you developed with your family? Is it possible to build them into your post lockdown world? Building family habits is reassuring and comforting to children as it is familiar.

What have you really learnt about your child?

As a family did you discover wonderful new aspects to your child. In quite uncomplicated times, there is much to discover about your child. Hold that thought and keep it in mind when busy and frustrating times creep into our life and dull our patience. It will help you better manage the difficult moments with your child.

The joy of keeping life simple

Did you discover that simple uncomplicated times can bring you much joy? Can you bring some of that uncomplication into your life now? This may mean some planned reconstruction as a family. Something may have to go!

 Keep a record of what you want to cherish

Have you thought of writing down all the feelings and experiences that happened in lockdown that you cherished? Some of them may be precious moments with your child. Keeping a record gives you joy when you want to go back and reflect. It can also serve to remind you of what is possible in a simpler world.

Online learning and your connection to your child’s learning style

After all the home learning you probably now understand more about your child’s style of learning. Keeping up with reassuring them that you are interested and appreciate their learning, will give your child a greater sense of achievement, given your closer connection to their learning.

Keeping the connection strong and constant

The lockdown gave you a greater intimacy with your child. Can you build time for such intimacy, post lockdown? This may mean letting go of other things. Your child will certainly miss that strong connection post lockdown and will seek out that deeper relationship that they found comforting while at home.

 The value of deeper listening

With more presence around your child during lockdown, did you notice how better you listened to your child with more interest, intent and less fatigue? Can you build in more personal listening time with your child in your post lockdown world? This will help them when they feel anxious about fitting into their new world.

Boys and education

Educating boys is a wonderful exercise but it comes with its challenges.

Do any of the following statements ring true with you:

Are we asking our boys to?

Teaching and Raising Boys

• Sit still.

• Listen with intent.

• Be less aggressive when upset.

• Be more stable in their emotions.

• Manage their testosterone better.

• Be interested for longer periods of time.

• Be less noisy.

• Respond when spoken to.

• Show more interest in education.

• Be less distracted.

The list goes on as we think about how educating boys and bringing them up is thwart with difficulties and challenges. My response is a simple one. I just loved teaching and working with boys. In fact, if given the choice I would have loved facilitating a school of boys. They are just the most remarkable and interesting young people to teach. Let’s think about these observations that I acquired in my work with boys.

• I found boys loved learning with passion when they found something they enjoyed. Yes, it was hard to engage them with general material, but once the passion was there, the learning was extensive and at that point, boys really concentrate, stay focussed and even sit still!

• Boys will naturally get angry and their fighting at times can be quite spontaneous, very physical, noisy, most unattractive and unacceptable. However, they move on quickly once they deal with their anger and face consequences. Amazingly mateship and forgiveness come quickly. Boys don’t seem to harbour long, negative memories and are quite prepared to shake hands and move on.

• If you build a relationship with boys, they will open up and talk more freely. Once trust is built with a boy, you will find they will talk more openly to you. Otherwise, they can be cautious in disclosing their feelings and particularly closed about emotional matters. Keeping feelings closed is not mentally healthy for boys.

• Sensitivity is another important aspect of growing boys. Their behaviour at times may not seem to depict sensitivity, but they are very sensitive by nature and need caring at this level. We want our boys to be treated with sensitivity to learn how to display sensitivity.

• Often people notice that boys generally learn or seem slower in their learning to girls especially in the early years. It is a biological fact they are generally not as developed physically, intellectually and emotionally as the girls, which means that setting expectations for them in the early years as with the girls is not a success. They certainly accelerate in early teens, which also requires giving them emotional and breathing space, as they grow into young men.

• A boy learns so much from solid modelling from their parents and especially from their father. They learn by observation and will seek out models that they can identify with comfortably. Never underestimate that how you communicate with your boy influences how they present themselves to others.

• Friendships and peer relations can have an impact on how boys manage themselves. Be accepting and open to their friendships and show that you trust their judgement in forming friends.

• Set boundaries that are clear and reasonable. Clarity with boys is very important. From time to time you may need to negotiate a change with those boundaries.

• Of course, being active and involved in sports is such an important part of a boy’s life. They need to be active and teachers often find that teaching them in short sharp bursts is the best way for their learning. Physical activity and especially working in teams, is such a healthy way of life. It gives them balance to be active as well as passive.

 Above all enjoy your boy. Accept that they are quite different in how they approach the world to our growing girls. Do not necessarily set the same expectations for them as girls and celebrate all the quirky and interesting facets of your son that you discover. When you see behaviour that is unappealing, remember that you love the boy and the behaviour will pass. Your acceptance of them for who they are, will pay dividends as they grow into happy, capable young men.

‘I realise that despite my tiredness, my son has the most fun when I do things his way-wild and loud. Go Big or go home.’

@ powerful mothering.com

Let’s talk about managing food allergies at school

This is such a difficult topic, as dealing with life-threatening allergies for children demand so much attention and understanding from all parties. Schools take this seriously, but unfortunately in the busy life of a school, mistakes can happen. The bigger the school, the more difficult it is to get the message across that, for example, everyone adopts a nut-free policy. Sometimes, some homes are not aligned with school rules and this is where it can fall down, putting children at risk. The answer, I believe, simply involves the child in question, gradually over time, being educated on food groups and allergies. It is so important that the child learns to personally manage their health themselves. Schools will help with supportive rules. However, if a child knows the signs of where food allergies are present around them, especially at eating time, the greater capacity they have of being safe from attacks.

Without going into much detail, children can learn that sometimes surfaces, where other children have eaten, can contain some contaminates that they need to be aware of. I hear you say, how hard it is for a child to feel that they have to own their condition. I believe that the more a child takes ownership of their health, the safer and ultimately the happier they will be. There is nothing more satisfying than being in charge yourself. It takes away so much fear and anxiety.

Hot Topic! Should schools ban ‘dangerous food’?

Think about the following ideas to help graduate a child into learning and taking ownership of their health issues, especially with regard to life threatening allergies.

• From an early age gently talk about the health matter and begin the education into food groups, allergies etc.

• As a parent, you will of course educate with wisdom, common sense and with an optimism, that it will be all for the best. Talking positively about how important it is to keep healthy and well.

• At school, keep the education going at your class level, especially and talk to the teacher about how the classroom can help when food is introduced. Teachers are all about education and if a child in their room, has specific food allergies, that are life-threatening, they will take great care to support the best climate for the child.

• Teach your child that everyone’s wellbeing is different and the home environment is a great place for celebrating that difference, especially when preparing and learning about food.

• Tune in with your child about how things are going at school and what precautions the child is taking when eating time comes around. It is always helpful to occasionally tap into the teacher to discuss how food is being managed throughout the school day. This is important, as, throughout the school year, the classroom will set up different dynamics, that may challenge eating time.

• Don’t forget to affirm your child if they demonstrate a smart way of managing their food allergies. Children, when left to their own devices, are creative in solving their own problems.

• Teach them to speak up and not feel vulnerable about their allergies. The more confidence a child shows in themselves, the safer they are in managing their own health issues. Their wellbeing is unique to them.

• The younger the child, the more careful and supportive are parents and school in providing a safe climate. However, at a younger age, a child can learn a great deal about their health and how to look after their condition. We are teaching them that self-care is a necessary part of their life.

Schools take on the responsibility of providing a nut-free policy and will do their best in providing that safe environment for the child. They also rely on everyone being on the same page, all the time. This can be challenging. The safer route is to keep your child abreast with self-knowledge where they build confidence and grow stronger in personally managing their health issues.

‘Self-care is how you take your power back’

-Lalah Delia

Ten great ways to help your child settle back into school

1. Family chats about coming out of the lockdown

Gather as a family and talk about what it will be like going back to school after a long time. Let your child talk about their fears and anxious thoughts, which will generally be all about re-establishing friends, feeling safe and getting back their feeling of confidence in learning. Don’t be surprised or challenged by what they have to say, as it is their time to talk freely about their worries.

2.    Reassure your child that school is a safe place

Reassure them that they will be in safe hands and that their health will be a big consideration with the school. Some children may be anxious about leaving the safety of home given the pandemic discussions that are around. It may have been a lockdown, but for a child, the home created a safe haven. Give your child accurate information about the pandemic, but make it age appropriate. This is important, as unsettling gossip at school can destabilise a child.

3. Plan you way out of the lockdown

Design a plan which may involve you taking them to school, talking to the teacher etc. whatever makes them feel that you are still present in their lives away from home. This will make the transition a more secure one and will build trust in the child in resuming school.

4.    Change can bring feelings of grief

Never underestimate that your child will experience some grief in letting you go. The concentrated time they have spent with you has been for them a time of getting to know their parents more deeply and feeling comforted by your reassuring presence. Therefore, when school resumes, consider still spending dedicated quality time with them as going cold turkey will be very unsettling, especially for younger children.

5. Make home a consistent and safe place

Re-establishing themselves in a school setting will take time as routines and school patterns are slowly re-established or created. Keep home life consistent so that the child feels secure in the boundaries and familiar environment they know and enjoy. Their home has been a comfort zone for quite some time.

6. Check in with your child regularly.

Check in with them regularly about how they are coping back at school. It will be natural that they will have ups and downs, not the least of which will be friendships. They may wish to tell you all is well as not to upset you. However, be open to conversation and not too probing in questions.

‘Sometimes starting school after a long break can be difficult. I wonder how you are going with it?”

 7. Never underestimate the effect of change

Going back to school is an immense change. Don’t underestimate its impact on the child. Therefore, adapt or moderate the family lifestyle to accommodate how your child is coping. This may mean some compromises or simply ensuring that quality time with family is maintained.

 8. Affirm your child’s efforts in being a change agent

Affirm your child’s efforts in returning to school. This is quite a challenge for them on many levels. Your appreciation gives them some reassurance that they are doing their best under difficult circumstances and it is valued.

‘I am so proud that after a long time you can settle back into school. That is a big step after such a long break.’

9. Less talk about the things that bring us down

Keep negative chatter about the state of the pandemic down and talk about the positive aspects as we move forward. This is important to ensure that the children are not building negative thoughts, now that they are in the eyes and ears of a school community. Negative gossip can build anxiety.

10. Don’t underestimate the fatigue from such a change experience.

You may find your child may feel some fatigue, mental and physical in going back to school. This can be from all the new pressures and expectations placed on them which were not the case in the home environment. Plenty of rest at home and a gentle reintroduction into routines, sport etc. outside the home is the best way forward.

It is all about frequent checking in with their progress into the new framework of our post lockdown world.

The responsibility and the independence

When our children are born, their dependency nee survival totally depends on ourselves, unlike many animal varieties that can within a short time, walk away from their parents and survive the wilds independently. Our species needs more time to be fed, nurtured and given some help to be upright and walking. At this point we have an incredible amount of power and responsibility for our children. No question about it, those early years are focussed on full support, care and safe direction for our family. Then suddenly things change. Once our children feel more personally in control, even if it is just a little, they seek out some independence. It is as though they are the butterfly edging their way out of the cocoon to find their independence and fly away. Gradually they grow stronger as they break free from their encased cocoon. The struggle they go through makes them stronger in their final exit from that encasement.

This is natural and normal. What the challenge is for parents is to help them slowly and gently discover their independence. Of course, there will be some struggle, possibly failure and endurance in this process. This can be challenging for some parents who struggle to let go and frightened to let their child make a mistake. What can then happen is a power struggle. Once power struggles creep into your life with your child, it can be a difficult journey to maneuver. If your plan is to win all the time, consider it a failure.

Here it is about working with your changing child, accepting that change will occur over time and choosing to be part of the process in a proactive way.

The following thoughts may help you prepare for that change.

• Reflect that your power is all about responsibility which gradually reduces as the child takes on more accountability for their own life.

• Gradually giving your child opportunities to be independent is the best way to lead them into feeling confident about their own capabilities. Such opportunities should start as early as you see evidence that they are seeking to do things on their own.

• Letting go can be hard especially when the child asks for independence in areas that can be challenging. Often parents find teenage time the most difficult. Children want and demand to be given more freedom and yet you see danger ahead that they cannot manage or foresee. Therefore, you feel anxious as after all you have responsibilities to that adolescent.

• When you let go and give them liberties affirm them when they have demonstrated to you that they can manage themselves well.

‘Well done. You walked to the shop on your own and followed all the road rules. This makes me feel that you know what to do.’

• As the child seeks more and more independence, that may mean some negotiation on your part. Resentment can build if you simply dismiss their requests without discussion and without listening to their request.

• Unsettled teenagers can be very determined in meeting their needs away from their parent’s eyes. We do not want that form of independence to develop. We want them to come to their parents, knowing that they will be heard and possibly some negotiation may occur.

• Parents often feel a sense of grief when they see their child reaching out for independence. Look at it differently. Your child is growing and just as they learn to walk, they now need to grow in more social and intellectual areas. Your guidance and support through that time will give them the confidence that you trust them. You should begin to see parenting as a responsibility that is helping your child become an independent young adult. Put another way, it is irresponsible not to support their developing independence.

• Every child is different but it is true to say that the first child generally has a harder road to walk in becoming independent. As parents, we are constantly learning how to manage their demands for independence. Consider this when relating to your firstborn.

Finally, by encouraging independence you are doing your child a great service. Building resilience and self-esteem strengthens a child’s feeling of confidence in managing themselves. No surprise that the children that developed independence early at school were fast learners, who took risks, challenged themselves and were not afraid of failure.

The great responsibility you have as a parent is to nurture independence and be a guide setting directions for your child, giving them the joy of personal exploration leading to self-management. 

‘The greatest gift you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.’

-Denis Waitley