Understanding difficult behaviour
Parenting can get tricky, especially when dealing with difficult behaviour. Check out Gail Smith’s suggestions on handling those challenging moments with your child.
Parenting has many aspects to it. However, one of the most complex aspects is dealing with difficult behaviour. It will happen from time to time and as a parent it is all about what you tolerate and what you believe is acceptable behaviour. One of the very best things you can do is to teach your child to behave well. Your modelling and teaching is vital in this area.
Let’s consider how difficult behaviour can manifest itself:
Children with high activity or are clearly unsettled are more likely to misbehave
Sometimes it’s all about attention seeking.
Perhaps getting their own way is important to them.
Sometimes revenge to show how angry they are.
A child will model bad behaviour from other children.
It can happen when guidelines are unclear at home.
Some children need to be specifically taught the correct behaviour.
When a child is stressed. Difficult behaviour can be an outcome.
These are only a few examples of why poor behaviour can happen. Consider tackling the difficult behaviour in the following way:
Listen effectively to what they have to say. This is active listening.
Then talk about ways to address their concerns.
Some negotiation may be need. Work together on this plan.
Then together think about a resolution which may involve consequences for the child. This is real problem solving.
Check in later after action has been taken and affirm your child for going through the process.
Prevention is better than cure so think about why the problem behaviour has occurred. The more you understand, the less problems will continue to evolve.
“When you catch their good behaviour, reward well. It’s the best antidote to misbehaviour.”
Managing children’s behaviour
Children will, from time to time, challenge your authority and demand that their needs be met. Gail Smith shares some positive cues that give you a greater capacity to manage the situation and reduce the impact on both the parent and the child.
Behaviour of children varies from time to time. Often the reasons for the behaviour are hard to work out and need time and patience spent with the child. Other times it can be simple to resolve and as the parent you move on quickly.
Here are some positive cues to help set the scene enabling your child to cope better when behaviour is poor. It also gives you a greater capacity to manage the situation and reduce the impact on parent and child.
A positive happy home environment
A positive happy home environment where the child feels safe and secure is an excellent setting for a child to feel that problems are solvable. Lots of smiles, laughter and attention will make a difference. Keep the home environment warm and welcoming.
Positive Reinforcement and Encouragement
Focus on Positive Behaviour: Acknowledge and praise good behaviour to reinforce it. Encouragement helps children understand what is expected and reinforces their positive actions. Positive behaviour is the key to teaching your child how to deal with matters.
Consistent Rules and Expectations
Set Clear and Consistent Boundaries: Establish clear rules and expectations. Consistency is key—when children know what is expected, it helps them understand limits and fosters a sense of security. Teach behaviours that you want to be present. Demonstrate and reward your child when you see good behaviour. Provide a good example for the child to copy.
Effective Communication and Active Listening
Listen and Communicate: Encourage open communication. Listen actively to understand their perspective and feelings. Communicate calmly and explain reasons behind rules or consequences. Remain calm and consistent in the way you engage with your child.
Use of Logical Consequences
Apply Logical and Proportionate Consequences: Consequences should be related to the behaviour and age-appropriate. Logical consequences help children understand the impact of their actions without being punitive. Be clear in how you talk about these consequences. Model Behaviour and Teach Problem-Solving
Leading by Example: Children often emulate the behaviour they observe. Model the behaviour you wish to see in them, including problem-solving skills and managing emotions effectively.
If you adopt the belief that children’s behaviour is exactly that...child-like, you will begin to put things into perspective. They will, from time to time, challenge your authority and demand their needs be met. By being consistent and caring in the way you deal with such matters, you will make all the difference to their emotional growth.
‘A parent who has a positive outlook on life passes on a happy message to their child.’
-Gail J Smith
Managing anger in children
It’s natural for children to feel angry on occasion. Here are some tips to help manage this.
There are many ways we can respond to anger. Consider the following ideas to help with managing anger.
Teach Your Child Acceptable Responses to Anger
They can simply walk away from the person making them angry.
Find a spot to cool off.
Think about positive thoughts that take you away form the anger
Tell yourself to keep calm.
Teaching How to Handle Big Feelings
Kids need to learn how to handle their big feelings like anger. It helps them deal with tough situations better. Talk about what is a big feeling.
Teach simple breathing exercises or offer a cosy spot when they're upset. Show them it's okay to talk about feelings and find ways to let out anger without hurting anyone, like drawing or going for a run.
Solving problems and talking nicely
Learning to manage anger teaches children how to fix problems without fighting and how to talk nicely.
Practise talking about what's bothering them without yelling. Show how to listen when someone else is upset and find ways to fix things together. Always create a calm, warm atmosphere when talking about anxious matters.
Making Friends and Being Happy
Handling anger nicely helps kids make good friends and be happy in school and at home.
Role-play situations where they can practise talking without getting mad. Encourage being kind and understanding to others to build strong friendships.
Feeling Calm and Relaxed
Managing anger helps kids feel calm and relaxed instead of stressed or upset all the time.
Try relaxation activities like deep breaths or listening to calming music. Doing fun activities or games that they enjoy also helps release stress. A basketball ring outside in the yard is a great stress buster
Getting Stronger and Smarter
Learning to handle anger makes kids strong and smart. It helps them learn from mistakes and not give up. With anger under control they are more socially engaging with everyone.
Encourage them to think positively when things go wrong. Show how trying different ways to solve a problem can make them better at handling tough situations.
We all have a right to feel angry. It is a natural response when we are disappointed, hurt etc. Teaching our children how to deal with anger in a positive way develops their emotional intelligence and gives them great strategies to operate in many and varied life situations. A person’s well being is really enhanced if they have great skills in managing anger.
‘Teaching your child how their behaviour effects others raises their sensitivities and invites them to rethink their anger.’
- Gail J Smith
How to deal with giving consequences for problem behaviour
I totally dislike the word Punishment. It has such dark and serious connotations and for a child it can be quite overwhelming when they hear there will be punishment for bad actions. How about saying there will be some consequences for poor behaviour. Here are some important aspects of dealing with problem behaviour that should be understood when managing negative behaviour with children.
I totally dislike the word Punishment. It has such dark and serious connotations and for a child it can be quite overwhelming when they hear there will be punishment for bad actions. How about saying there will be some consequences for poor behaviour.
Does your child know what they did wrong and who was hurt as a result of poor behaviour?
When a child receives affirmation and positive consequences for a job well done, it is logical that when behaviours are negative, some form of negative consequences can be given.
Here are some important aspects of dealing with problem behaviour that should be understood when managing negative behaviour with children.
Always be clear in articulating what the problem was, as often children are not sure why they are being given consequences. Sometimes an emotionally charged child will not hear what you have to say, so repeating is sometimes important.
Remember that you are upset about the poor behaviour and not the child. It is a fact that children can think that you don’t like them, when in fact it is the behaviour you do not like.
Response to poor behaviour should be as immediate as possible. The waiting game for consequences loses its value and can be upsetting unnecessarily for the child.
Be consistent. If you give a consequence, then follow it through. A child can be very confused and anxious if you plan consequences but don’t follow through.
Always affirm the child after the consequences.
‘I appreciate how quickly you cleaned your room after you were told. I love how responsible you can be when we need to deal with matters.’
Small consequences can be highly effective and deal with the matter quickly. If you find that you are giving far too many consequences it might be time for a rethink as to what is going wrong. Perhaps a good time for some active listening with your child to hear their concerns.
Only use consequences that are reasonable and proportional to the poor behaviour. Sometimes a child is not actually aware that the behaviour is poor and you may need to talk to them about what upset you.
Children are more inclined to accept the consequences of their actions if they understand what they did was wrong and especially if they understand who was hurt as a result. Never presume they have the full wisdom behind their actions and they need your support in explaining why it was wrong and who is affected.
Watch the tone of your voice when giving consequences. Remain calm and stable with a voice that is not too loud or intimidating. Such reactive behaviour is all about exerting power over the child which ultimately fails as a parenting tool.
As the main role model for the developing child, what you teach them about appropriate and inappropriate behaviour will very much reflect your values. Therefore, you have a major role in teaching and modelling positive behaviour which has such an impact on your child.
‘Children need love especially when they do not deserve it.’
-Harold Hubert