Memories are lasting.

I often say to parents, imagine what you would like your children to say about you at their twenty-first birthday or even your funeral!

They will reflect on the longer picture of their life's journey with their family and have memories especially about how they were valued and heard. Think about your own images of how you were reared. I would imagine you will have a general image of how you were loved and generally how parents nurtured you. The little details often get lost in the wash. It is the general feeling of how parents loved and cared for you that counts. Sometimes we become so focused on the small daily problems without considering that a child just sees you as the overarching person looking after their well being. It is quite common in counseling students that they quickly refer to the general image they have of their parents." Yes mum understands me". " I can talk to dad as he listens." These images are being formed throughout their rearing. They just sense how they are being cared for through parent's overall manner with them.

Aspects like patience, understanding, peacefulness, sympathy are words I often hear from children who talk about their families. When a child feels vulnerable around their parents, perhaps over having been in trouble, their first anxiety is how they lose value in the eyes of the parents.

A great activity with children is to ask the child to draw their family as animals and talk about their character through the image of the animals. For example. some may draw an owl as they see their parents as wise. Some may draw a zebra as mum is always running and on the go. This could be a fun activity for all the family. Always keep in mind the big picture. This is all about the overall feeling a child has about how they are valued and nurtured.

How is your environment at home?

Have you ever been in a home that is cluttered, or perhaps so tidy you are scared to move? Have you been in a house where there are many precious items around which can break easily? We all have our own personal way in which we design and enjoy our home space. Research tells us that we all respond differently to space and in the case of our children, this is definitely the case. 

Is our home designed to allow children to move freely or is it too precious and less relaxed in the layout? Is your home a source of anxiety for you when children are around? Are there aspects of your house where family gather and at the same time they can have a quiet spot for doing homework?.

There are simple changes to layout with furniture etc. that can be made to suit happy family living. Consider the noise levels in the home, especially with the location of televisions etc.  Our anxiety does increase if our home is not set up to comfortably work around a family.

Needs change of course as the children get older.I believe there is value in involving the child in decisions which effect their movement in and around a home. Usually, younger children want to be close to their parents. As they grow, they need their own space and certainly value their own room where possible.

Remember, how we move and operate in that house is teaching our children many values. I always remember a child asking me to visit their home but to remember to take off my shoes at the door as mum would like that! I brought slippers!

Quick fixes for stressful moments

Ever felt ready to explode? Stress creeps up on us easily and gradually reduces our capacity to effectively manage situations. Children can inadvertently create this stress in us by a series of actions that just seem to keep mounting. They may be simple actions such as not listening, creating a mess, fighting with siblings etc. If we build up this feeling of, "I am over it!” we can explode with far too much reaction and sometimes the child does not see the problem in the same degree as yourself. This causes further deterioration of relationship.

The first step is to recognize how explosive the situation is becoming. Register in your mind that it is for example, eight out of ten and this means it can only get worse. Now take several deep breaths and realize that by changing the situation at this point, everyone feels better.

This can happen through taking a walk together, listening to music, going on a bike ride etc. The activity is not so important as the concept of the physical break from the intensity of the situation.

Exercise is great for everyone when stress is high. The principle here is that breaking from the situation brings down the anxiety and the likelihood of major crisis reduces. This technique is often used in classes as teachers will take their students out for a run on the oval as a break and a chance to refresh their thinking. The exercise and break totally changes the dynamics in the classroom. It is often said to older people if you don't use it, you lose it.

I would say the more active you become the less likelihood of losing your cool.

A house of happy thoughts

Have some fun with your children and at the same time reinforce positive thoughts that you are having about your child.

Children thrive on reassurance and combined with the element of surprise, they feel quite excited and anticipate what is next. It becomes a very pleasant game of reassurance. In a child's bedroom, for example, write little affirming messages and scatter them in different places - under the pillow could be a message, "you have such a great smile.” Perhaps in their kitchen mug the words "thanks for helping me today.”

The messages can be put in a variety of spaces around the house and of course can change to suit the occasion. A surprise note in the school lunch box or school bag is a wonderful warm and reassuring feeling for a child during the school day. The fact that there is a written statement about a positive aspect of the child, builds their sense of self worth and reminds them that they are valued. Some children may keep the notes and paste them in a book which is handy to read from time to time. Children will often write loving notes to parents and this is our way of doing the same.

I often bring a child into my office and together we guess where I have left my note! No surprises that they find it very fast!

The importance of the family village

We all should live in a village. By this I mean an environment that causes us to interact with and exposes us to all stages of life and many shapes and sizes of families.

Children need various models around them to teach them about different aspects of life. If you have the good fortune to have grandparents around, they become senior teachers for the children. Their stories are real examples of life, lived differently.

If in a family the child is exposed to the birth of a child, the death of a grandparent etc. the child starts to understand that life has a cycle and they see their part in it more clearly.

Listening to others that have different life experiences, gives them more insight into different opinions. It helps them to form judgements. In today's world we tend to shut out some of life's harsher aspects. We think that parenting is all about emotional protection from the more difficult aspects of life.

When counselling children it is evident that some children have a deeper awareness of life and others, a naivety which sometimes makes them vulnerable and lowers their resilience. To make children secure and socially capable, they need to gradually learn from various sources.

We have provided security for our children, but to make them aware of the broader aspects of life, consider the value of the village. Even the old lady next door may have a story to tell about her migration to Australia and how her journey was different.

It takes a Villiage

Lock it up and forget about it

This is an activity to help children deal with small anxieties.

I would only use this if the problem was a simple one.  I have used this method with children who enjoy the practical act of locking up their problems.

We then throw away the key. Great fun! A little bit of theatre is a good thing.

It is all about getting the child to imagine that the problem cannot return . We have control over managing the problem. It is all in our control and we choose to remove the problem

I remember several years ago using this activity with a child. When I spoke to her as a teenager, she told me how she imagined locking away her problems and this strategy still helped her with issues. The key remained a big focus in her mind.

I have seen this work with burying the problem that is written on paper or ripping it up. It is about finding a practical and reasonable way of disposing of the anxious thought.

words words words.... sometimes just too much

Teachers are well aware that when they talk to a child especially after an issue, the child only absorbs some aspects of what they are saying particularly if anxiety kicks in.

In my experience you need to tap into them to see if they understood what you say. I always remember a child saying to me after a lengthy conversation about what went wrong "Yeh I don't know what you said, so I guess I am in trouble?' 

Try to keep explanations of what went wrong in simple language. They may hear the beginning of the sentence, feel anxious and not hear the rest. As adults we do this too. Our body goes into protection mode when we are being attacked verbally.

Keep sentences simple and clear

"I need to talk to you about......" 

"Do you remember when.........?"

Always build in some positives. "Thanks for understanding. Now together we can work on the problem." This tells them that although something is wrong, it is restorative and relationships stay in tact.

Children need reassurance even when discussing the hard matters. Using a quieter less stressed voice is also helpful as children read our vibes very quickly.

A hug a day goes a long way

It is amazing how simple things have such an impact.

When I do activities with students which involve listing the things that make them feel secure, they always come up with the importance of a hug from their parents. Giving your child a hug is a very physical way of saying how I value you and that you are important to me. They also express feelings of joy and pride.

It is clear that a hug can sometimes express a feeling better than words as it involves a sense of connecting in a special way. Children will quite often mention the concept of hugs from their parents in their writings.

 Every parent expresses their relationships with their child differently. Sometimes this is due to personality issues or perhaps an understanding of how they themselves were reared. Some parents are more demonstrative and others more reserved. There is no right or wrong way.

 It is just worth reflecting on the fact that children value hugs as a sign of being loved. They often tell me that a hug goes a long way in feeling less anxious.

Being in Partnership with the School

In my experience, when families are in strong and trusting relationship with the school, the child feels secure and happy that all are on board with them.

Suggestions for a strong relationship:

• Ensure that the class teacher knows who are the immediate members of your child’s extended family.

• Ensure that contact emergency numbers are accurate and updated when necessary.

•When significant events occur in your family, especially if this involves anxiety for the child, please inform your teacher.

•Ensure that the school knows when your child will be absent. You should phone the office to advise of your child’s absence and the office staff will notify the classroom teacher. This can also be done in advance, via a note to the teacher.

•Please ensure any envelopes sent to school are clearly marked with your child's name, class and subject.

•Talk to staff and ensure all your questions are answered. Staff will respond to emails. It is most important to ask the questions rather than build up anxiety about what you do not know.

•Assist your child with homework requirements. This of course, does not mean doing the homework yourself, but it may involve rearranging life after school to ensure they have enough time to do the work.

•Where possible connect your child’s learning to family events.

•There are several groups that operate within a school and if possible it is worth joining them.

Ten tips to a great start at school

1. Ensure the children have plenty of sleep. This gives them the best start to stay focused during the day.

2. Consider the diet of the child for lunch and snack. Not too heavy and low in sugar.

3. Have a presence of school at home. This could be notes on fridges, awards on walls, diary dates included in family calendars etc. The more the child feels that home connects to the school, the better.

4. Discuss the school uniform (if applicable) and what day they wear their sports gear. Discuss their involvement in getting ready each morning.

5. Let them carry their own bags to school. It is all about their ownership of their learning.

6. Read some of the school newsletter to them. This gives them a chance to talk to you about school events that effect them directly.

7. Not too many questions at the beginning of the year. This can be overwhelming as children think they need to have positive answers. Wait until they talk to you about their school day. Keep reinforcing how much you value the teacher. They like being reassured that their home and school is strongly connected.

8. Try to arrive at school on time or at least a few minutes early. This gives the child a chance to chat with their teacher about any pressing matters on their mind.

9. Always reassure your child that you will pick them up and on time. This reminder just gives them an added sense of security as the school days can be long.

10. Involve the whole family in discussion about the child’s school. Young children like to feel that school is valued by all those that are close to them.

How do you give your children the best start at school?

Getting Started at School

You have already taught them many experiences and they have learnt from your own life journey over the past few years. You have taught them to walk, speak, toilet train, etc. and they are now ready to take on the new adventure of formal learning.

I stress ‘formal’, as to date, so much incidental learning has been in operation in and around your child. Never underestimate the amount of learning that has already been acquired. This has happened through your modelling, through incidental experiences and exposure to the real world.

The journey now widens and children will experience exposure to new thinking in a classroom of children and also be exposed to a set of values through the school system.

As parents you are significant partners in the education of your child. You are the primary educators. The school complements your valuable work.

Together with the school you journey with your child through the next seven Primary years of their education. During this time there will be many adventures, joys, mishaps and above all powerful learning experiences.

It is important to trust your educators and to feel connected to them when it is important to talk about matters. Teachers appreciate that they are only part of a child’s education.

Parental influence is strong in shaping the work a school does. Relationship with your teacher and school is a key factor in ensuring a happy, well adjusted child in the school setting.

Helpful Hints to get you started at school

Always be on time - This is important to give children a sense of continuity and to let them know that you value the importance of being on time. Children can feel uncomfortable walking into classrooms late.

Be in touch - Teachers need to be aware of any changes in family life. This is important given the impact that family life can have on a successful school environment.

Teachers appreciate correspondence from parents - in the form of emails, notes and conversations. Check with your teacher to ensure when best to talk to them. It maybe necessary to make a formal appointment to see your teacher. Otherwise talking to your teacher after school at the appropriate time is acceptable. Teachers will let you know what nights are inappropriate for meeting as they have several formal meetings after school throughout the week.

Developing independence - Independent research indicates that the more children grow in independence, the greater capacity they have to learn. Giving greater independence to children can be difficult for some parents.

I believe that gradual development of independent skills gives children more self-assurance and an ability to take risks, own their problems and build personal stamina.

Who are your best friends at school? The office team of course!

Schools are busy places. Some of the best people for you to get to know are the office team.

I speak now as a Principal who relies heavily on my office team.

They have such an excellent understanding of people's needs and are always the first to let the Principal know if someone needs some extra support.

They keep well briefed with the Principal and are much easier to access sometimes than the Principal. They are very reliable to pass messages onto others.

Once office staff are familiar with you and the family, they are very conscious to support you when you need to learn more about the school or simply to get some facts straight.

Office staff know to be extremely confidential and will point you in the right direction when you have specific inquiries.

I often think that the engine of a school is the office team. Keep them in mind as your support team when your child is at school. They play a critical role in the day to day life of the Principal.

Home is a great place to start reading

Parents have such an influence on their children.

Teachers often comment on how a child repeats what their parents say, or shows mannerisms like mum or dad, or simply talks frequently about their parents.

One of the most valuable things a parent can do as a model is to read with them.

Research tells us that early reading with children has a significant influence on the development of their speech, how they interact with parents and sharpening their auditory skills.

I recommend leaving picture books scattered around the house and having special times together to read. Share the reading together at night. Reading together can be so much fun and a chance to further spend quality time together.

If the child sees that you value reading, they value reading.

Your example has an impact on your child. 

When there are significant absences from school

Teachers often comment that when children are absent from school for a reasonable length of time, they can feel more vulnerable returning to class and fitting back into the classroom environment.

They sometimes feel that through their absence their relationship with the other children is more vulnerable and that socially engaging with them will be difficult.

 When a child is absent for a few weeks, it is a good idea to keep talking about school and if the child has been sick, I would encourage a few phone calls with friends to keep in touch.

If there has been an extended holiday which has caused the absence, consider the child writing emails or keeping in touch through whatever social media the school is using. This gives the child the sense that they are not so removed from their school and that dialogue with friends is alive and well.

In today's world of fast communication, it is not difficult to keep the conversation going between school and family.

Absences from school

Confidentiality in a school setting

Throughout your time at school, information will be gathered concerning enrolment data and educational information about your child.

Confidentiality is a critical part and schools respect all information that parents provide.

From time to time, extra information may be gathered regarding a child’s learning. This is stored in a secure place and is only accessible by appropriate teachers and the Principal. Records of children leaving the school are securely archived and are the school's responsibility.

Owning the Problem

Sometimes as parents we think it is our role to solve all their problems.

We should encourage children to at least attempt to work through their problems as this will make a difference in building social stamina.

When parents take over all their problems, the child shows less interest in being responsible in solving their own issues.

Children who learn the art of solving problems become excellent negotiators and confident, independent thinkers.

"I" Statements

These are great tools when communicating messages to children. The Parent Effectiveness Training Course as devised by Dr Thomas Gordon teaches about 'I' statements. I highly recommend this course to parents. 

These are great tools when communicating messages to children.

For example:

”I am sad that you have not finished your meal”,

“I am happy that you can play at school”,

“I am disappointed that you don’t clean your room and now I have more work to do”.

These are effective ways to communicate messages. It is a clear precise way to talk to children.

Note the emphasis is on how their behaviour has impacted on you.

Therefore, we are not criticising the behaviour, rather the impact it has on the parent.

”I” statements stimulate the child’s thinking ability. They are more inclined to change the child’s behaviour.

Try and avoid using the word, ”YOU” when referring to your child. We know that this implies a sense of judgement and using a child’s name more frequently is a better option, it suggests a deeper relationship.

Building Social Stamina in children

Establishing friendship groups is important. Encourage children to play with as many of their classmates as they wish.

Children need to feel comfortable moving in and out of different social groups. The more they accept differences, the more emotionally mature they grow.

The child must be happy in order to succeed. Talk to your child’s teacher if this changes. It is important to let them know if there are any changes in home life or if other circumstances are likely to distress your child.

Stress on children can impact on their performance in school. Keeping your teacher informed with regard to changing circumstances will help them plan effectively for your child. School provides many challenges.

Your child will be exposed to many different values and ideas. Work through issues gently with your child, encouraging them to understand that all families are different and occasionally have different opinions as well.

Ensure that your child attends all school activities as this will help them feel strongly connected to the school.

We know that early learning at school will have a profound effect on your child’s attitude or disposition towards learning. Therefore, supporting the teacher and working closely with the school is important in ensuring that the early learning experiences are rich and fulfilling.

Your child needs a positive disposition in order to succeed at school. This involves building enthusiasm, being confident, committed, co-operative and flexible. All of these qualities will evolve and grow as children experience school life.

From time to time they will have lapses and this is to be expected as each day presents different challenges, just like it does for adults.

What's in a school year?

There are four term in a school year.  

A teacher thinks and plans four terms, each with 10 or eleven weeks work. As parents you will soon get into a similar routine of planning around the four terms.

First term is all about establishment, building relationships, getting to know the children in class and establishing friendship groups. Some children are not great change agents and this can take a little time. For some children, it may take the whole term, especially if they bonded well with the previous teacher and class. Teachers are settling into routines and it is important that the parents understand how the teachers work. This way you can support your child best by talking about the teacher's style..

Term two, routines are well set up and expectations very clearly set. This is a time to ensure your child has established patterns of working at home and at school.

Term three is serious consolidation and by this time, teachers have a lot of data about their students where they set goals very specifically for each child. This is also winter time and it is not uncommon for children to have bouts of illness. Keep an eye on their health and make certain they get plenty of sleep around this time.

Term four is a happy one and a time to really deepen their connections with teachers and class. Towards the end of the year, anxiety can creep in with the prospect of change. This is a time to chat to them about the excitement of change and remind them how they settled into their current class. 

 Remember school is about routine and each term has its own character and purpose. 

How can you plan for the different school terms?