Finding friends when you first start school

Feeling connected is what this is about.

Parents often worry that their child will not bond with other children and begin to feel isolated.

The good news is that teachers are really switched on about this matter. Schools usually have a special playground or designated areas whereby prep teachers are rostered on during the breaks. Most schools set up a buddy systems where your child has a senior child overseeing them in the yard. This is quite comforting to the child and parents value this support.

All schools are very aware that early days in prep means extra special attention is given to the children settling in to school. Within a few weeks, friendships begin to form and children find small networks on the yard with which to play.

 Ask your teacher the following questions:

• Is my child bonding well with other children?

• Are they on their own during the breaks?

• Do they engage well with other children?

 Just an occasional check in with the teacher will give you that reassurance.

The thought of our children not making friends at school is heartbreaking.

Prep teacher - a child's perspective

Do you remember your prep teacher? To a prep child, the teacher is such a powerful image in their mind. Parents often bemoan the fact that the prep teacher seems to be first in the mind of the child before the parents!

What this means is that the teacher will have a most impressive impact on the life of the child for that first year. This is why the child needs to hear and see that their family equally values the presence of that teacher in the child's life. What I am saying here is that in order for the child to feel secure in that first year, they need the reassurance from their parents that they are in a strong and trusting relationship also with the teacher.

If at any point, you feel some discussion is necessary with the teacher regarding a matter, ensure that the child still feels reassured that everyone is on the same page. When children feel less secure they will often shut down and not talk as much about their school day if the the overall trust between school and home is not strong.

The good news is that prep teachers are chosen for the very specialised ways they handle children's emotions. Prep teachers are wonderful nurturers and passionate early educators, skilled in working closely with young families.

It's only a balloon

Balloons can be lots of fun.

They also are easily available and can be great to express feelings.

For example, if a child has had a bad day, ask them to blow up the balloon thinking about all the things that went wrong.

They can mention them with each new breath taken. Then let it go!! Wow it splatters everywhere and of course makes the appropriate sound.

Then you say..."problems are blown away into the air !"

Children can draw a sad face on the balloon before they let it go.

I have used this with younger children and they enjoy the experience of letting their sad feelings just blow away.

It's all about how we value the child

I have often said that one could write a PHD on the following. In my office my feelings chart is used quite often. The one feeling children always talk about is the feeling of “being proud”.

When this is examined, it is about the child feeling that their actions are not giving the parents a feeling that they are proud of them.

This may seem strange as we think that we reinforce them often. This is sometimes why children are reluctant to “have a go”. Will they fail and what will people think then?

A good response to this is to simply to remind them often of the things that make you proud.

“I am so proud of your efforts at school”.

“I am proud that you had a go at something hard.”

Even though we acknowledge their efforts they are always checking in with us as to whether they are valued. Using the word proud has high value in their minds.

For those that like the drama

This may not be for everyone but acting out situations can be a great way of telling stories and learning about feelings.

When a child is feeling sad and you feel up to the exercise, try acting out a story that they are familiar with.

For example act out, the three little pigs. The child joins in and soon the attention goes to the drama and the child's attention is taken from their first preoccupations.

When the dramatisation is over you can suggest "now you seemed sad . Are you feeling better now?”

Another acting out is through finger puppets. Children enjoy becoming the character and sometimes discuss their feelings through the puppets. I have seen this dramatic activity done also with plastic gloves and the child draws the characters, firstly on the fingers of the gloves.

Using drama is about transferring the feeling onto the character and talking through the emotions. I have always found that children who struggle to express themselves and don't feel confident around peers show a great interest in drama and often excel in this field. They thoroughly enjoy taking on another character and expressing them in a public way.

No surprises that many of our famous actors were not confident children in their own right.

It's all about the sand and the feeling

Sand is magic! The feeling, the sensation in your hand and the sense of control you have with sand is very satisfying.

I once had a group of year six children ready to graduate who wanted a special day dedicated to themselves just to play in the sandpit! They wanted to keep the child alive in them even though the adolescent in them was present ! Look at the beach and watch how children play happily together for hours, just digging!

A wonderful new product is kinetic sand which can be purchased in children shops everywhere. This product is wonderful for those children who just need space when they are overwhelmed by emotions. Having a sand tray at home will give them the freedom to rest mentally and just be!

These sand trays work very well for children on the spectrum or for those children less able to regulate their emotions. If they are kept in a shallow box they can be readily made available when a child needs that space.

I have proudly kept a small sand tray in my office for quite some time. I find those children needing time to recover from heated emotions looks to it for comfort. A little bit of beach life in my office is a wonderful idea!

Reading through the problems

There are many beautiful feeling books that are written for children to think through their problems.

They work well as the child sees the problem as some one else's problem and as the story unfolds and a solution is found, the child can put themselves in the place of the character.

Many good children's libraries stock these books. As well they can be purchased on line.

Remember, that when you read the story to the child, highlight how the character solved the problem and ask. "Have you ever had that feeling yourself?”

Children are very familiar with using books to tell stories that have a message. Teachers use this method all the time.

Remember, repeating the stories is also a good idea to reinforce the concepts and deepen the understandings especially with younger children.

On the subject of writing

Sometimes children find it difficult to express their feelings publicly.

Sometimes their feelings of sadness are hard to express.

Keep a large book at home where they can draw their feelings that they would like to discuss.

When you have discussed the feelings and they have been addressed, it is always fun to rip out the page together, screw up the paper, throw it away celebrating that we have really resolved that problem!

This works well with children from preschool to year six. The dramatising of destroying the paper is good therapy making the child feel better.

Keeping a happy journal that tells of success

Research tells us that using positive psychology with children is highly effective in building emotional stamina. Success builds success and children will always grow from the positive in their life. How do we feel as adults when our boss gives us affirmation. This is often a stimulus to feeling successful. SOMEONE VALUES ME!

Keeping a positive journal is highly effective. This is a book where you write positive statements about your child.

For example, “ Today, I loved the way you smiled at me”. This book then becomes a collection of positive memories. Simple concepts are all that is needed.

I recommend no more than one thought a day or even a few statements across the week. Children love going back over the book and reading the positive comments. This is especially helpful when they are having less happy times.

In counselling, we would call this narrative therapy, where we recognise that the written word is so valuable. I have used this method quite often in school and also my staff. Just imagine, we write beautiful thoughts on a birthday card. This is likened to receiving a birthday card more often! How many birthday cards do we keep over the years?

A little box with tricks inside

Parents often tell me that getting children to talk about their concerns is difficult. Some parents have found great success in using this idea.

Invite the child to decorate a small box, no bigger that a shoe box even smaller is a good idea. Ask them to decorate it in a way that expresses themselves. The child keeps the box in a special place in their room. When they feel they want to talk about a problem, suggest they write the problem down on paper and leave it in the box. At night, just before bed, when parents tuck them in ready to say goodnight, ask them would they like to discuss the content of the box.

Many children enjoy the mystery and privacy of such an activity. A parent can only read the content when invited. This seems to work well for all ages in a primary setting. Younger children might just draw pictures.

When things are not smooth sailing

As the prep year turns into a few weeks, sometimes situations change for the child. The friendship they thought was solid can shift, or perhaps someone acted inappropriately on the yard. Perhaps the child was not hearing effectively the directions of the teacher. There are many small factors that can suddenly turn a sunny situation into feelings of sadness.

This is all about a child learning to adjust to changing scenarios. It is early days of building resilience in a child, developing emotional intelligence and building social literacies. Parents can suddenly feel anxious when what seemed a perfect start turns around to being a child who does not want to go to school. Sounds dramatic but the turn around in the child's mood can happen quickly and dramatically.

What the parent does now is critical in showing the child how to deal with school issues.

Here are some easy steps to follow:

• Listen to their concerns.
• Show empathy but recognise that this is a problem we need to talk to the teacher about.
• Try and get the child to articulate to the teacher the problem.

Sometimes this does not work subject to the child's emotional maturity. Once the teacher knows the concerns, they will work with the child on the problem. 

Tap in with the child along the way asking how is the problem going? Remember, we are teaching them that from an early age they own the problem and with good support we can find solutions.

Don't forget to affirm the child once the problem is solved. “Well done. I am proud that you worked out that problem with help from those that you trust.”

Starting School

There is so much to say about starting school for the very first time. Where to begin?

The earliest experiences are crucial for a positive start. Think about your own images of starting school and I am certain that how people operated around you was an important factor in feeling good about yourself. Children will look for reinforcement from parents that school is a good place to be. Talk to your child about your own experiences. Tell them how proud they make you, now that they are going to school. Ensure that the early transition experiences are happy occasions.

Celebrate as a family when they come home from school and listen well to what they tell you about their day. Put their art work etc. boldly displayed around the house and make certain that they see you in a happy and relaxed relationship with your teacher. This reassures them that school is a good extension of home and a happy place in which mum is feeling satisfied.

This is all about building early trust between home and school.

Try not to talk about the long haul of school life. Young children are only concerned about the present. I always remember a little prep boy appeared at my office in early March, school bag on his back, crying quietly and saying to me, "thank you Mrs Smith I can go home now cause I can read”.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that this was the beginning of a long journey at school over many years! I am pleased to report that this young man is a qualified engineer now and we worked through the problem.

What number are you?

Expressing emotions and telling parents how you feel can be difficult for children and frustrating for parents who only want to help.

An easy way to get a measure of how they feel in terms of angry, irritable, moody etc. is to simply ask them to give you a number between one to ten. Ten is the strongest feeling and one is the lowest. This is about recognising emotions on a scale of one to ten. It is a common tool used in counselling.

Once parents get into asking children,” On a scale of one to ten how are you feeling today?” Children easily get the strength of their feelings.

This is helpful in getting a quick measure of how deep is the feeling. It also works well on a positive note. “ You're happy today. On a scale on one to ten, how happy are you?”

What an image can tell us

One of my greatest tools in working with children is a chart that simply has faces on it expressing different feelings. These faces include a range of feelings from feeling happy, sad, joy, calm. angry, embarrassed etc. Children just love choosing one to talk about how they feel on that day. This is a wonderful way of engaging with them easily, as often younger children have difficulty expressing their feelings.

I have other more sophisticated charts to express feelings but all our students choose the simpler, easy to translate chart. Parents may find such a chart a great tool at home in inviting children to talk about their emotions. It is visible, clearly understood and gives parents an easy access to the child's emotions. These charts can be obtained in some news agencies or can be drawn up at home and laminated. One again this is a visible, easy to understand way of expressing feelings.

Building a picture of success

Never underestimate the value of simple sticker charts. These can be set up on the fridge at home or anywhere visible to the family. When a child receives a sticker, it is about achieving some success in a goal that you are setting.

Remember, to keep the goal simple and to set up the environment for the child to be successful. A simple coloured sticker goes a long way with reminding children that they are capable of being successful. They also love the visual impact, especially when they see the stickers building in number.

Talking about the growth on the chart is also affirming their ongoing success.

A few tips with sticker charts.

Keep the goal simple. Let them achieve their goal perhaps after a few stickers. Children struggle with long term goals. Celebrate at the end with some agreed rewards. Occasionally, mention how successful they were in achieving those goals.

Children in primary settings are very familiar with setting goals and so this habit will be consistent with how teachers work at school. It is common that at parent teacher chats, children will talk about the goals they set in class and how they are working towards achieving them.

It's all about building a healthy process in being successful.

Enjoying the process

Did you ever see the Australian Film, “The Castle” ?

Michael Kerrigan loved his wife's cooking. This was a wonderful example of affirming and celebrating the effort. Yes I agree the story was exaggerated but nonetheless it highlighted how affirming people's efforts spurs them on to greater heights.

Children particularly respond to affirmation along the way. This means that we acknowledge their progress and not wait till the work is complete.

For example, “You have started your homework. Well done.”

“I love the way you got up in time for school.”

It is all about celebrating the journey.

”Thanks for putting away your clothes. Well Done”

Applaud the small efforts many of which we just take for granted. This gives the child the understanding that they are valued.

A great trick of mine is to always make some small affirmation if a child enters my office. This gives me some brownie points as the child feels appreciated. “ Thanks for visiting me, I appreciate how you entered so quietly”. Immediately we are on a good footing! Even if we need to talk about some serious matters.

It is all about demonstrating to your child that you value their efforts. It's also teaching about gratitude. This is a word we hardly hear mentioned these days.

How to talk to my child when they feel anxious.

No absolute answers here but there are smart ways to engage with your child when you detect their feelings of being uncertain about some matters.

Often the underlying feeling they have is being fearful of not succeeding in some way. This is often through not achieving at school in their work or in their friendships.

The first important key is to simply be still and listen to what they have to say. This means not asking tricky questions. Imagine if it is our anxieties that are being questioned. We feel vulnerable. People asking us questions can often get irritating and shut us down. Children feel exactly the same.

They can shut down on us quickly as they feel they are being judged.

Just simply listening to the whole story and then picking up on what they say can help. 'It sounds like that was difficult' “You must be feeling unhappy about that”. We simply hear their feeling and wait for them to talk it through.

I find working with children this way helps them to simply think through their problems. They are more inclined to chat to parents about their concerns if they feel they are not being judged or that the parents will offer the solution.

Remember, as a parent the problem is not ours to solve. Once we solve it for them we have taken over the problem.

Not great for building resilience in our children.

Getting back to school after a great holiday.

Holidays are fun and take families away from routine which enables families to rest, talk more and engage in fun activities. It's all about the importance of slowing down, gathering around the family table and just being family.

Still the patterns of school return and for some children this can be unsettling. Consider having a family meeting and talk about what the school week will look like. Perhaps put a chart on the fridge outlining the plan for the next few weeks and ask your child to be part of this plan. If there will be variations to the weekly routine ensure you let the child know well in advance as they can be part of all family movements.

Chat about what will be happening at school and ask your child if they know of any major events coming up. Reestablishing friendships for children can be a big issue for some. Perhaps talk about their friends in a general way.

It's all about getting the routines slowly up and running. Enabling the child to be part of that plan and celebrating that routine as a way of life in your family for the school term is important. A good term's start sets the scene for a successful term.

Fifteen easy ways to help children cope with early stress at school.

There are many minor anxieties that can easily interfere with the many happy moments when a child starts school. It is all about a child feeling secure and having success in simple, memorable ways. Early positive feelings have an impact on later success and understanding the purpose of learning.

Consider:

1. Starting school is all about new faces, images, smells, sounds and feelings.

I suggest:

Hold the child’s hand firmly and stay with them until they are secure in the class. Also reassure them that you will return exactly when school finishes and clearly identify where that will be. This is a promise to definitely keep.

2. Starting school is all about what others think of you:

I suggest:

Reassure the child that meeting new friends is all good. Tell them that you are pleased that they are meeting new children. You are not looking for one particular friend to be established

3. Understanding the routine of the day can be overwhelming.

I suggest:

Talk to the child about what is a routine and tell them that you will be happy to hear about all the differences that the day presents.

4. Not all children can talk about their day and just as we struggle to record our day, they sometimes need time before they disclose the experience of school.

I suggest:

Make a simple chart which starts with one and ends with ten. Ask then to tell you how the day has gone - is it one out of ten or higher? This is easy for children to explain a feeling and not over talk the situation. Remember, it is all about the feeling they experience.

5. A big part of school is feeling success on the schoolyard and although teachers direct children’s movements there is still the child’s capacity to form a friend.

 I suggest:

Be careful not to set early high expectations here. Some children who are more verbal will engage quicker with children on the yard. It is important that children feel they can engage with different students and move on to others. Children listening and moving around to different groups suggests their ability to listen and engage with different students.

Encourage your child to learn about many children. No one personality is the best choice, although this can be difficult as students want a close friend early in their years at school.

6. Early in term one children notice differences between themselves. Some children talk more in class and demand more attention and others just simply move quickly through teacher’s expectations and appear to be in control. Other students are quiet and take time to reflect and process what is going on around them.

I suggest:

Encourage you child to enjoy the experience of just being at school. Explain that enjoying the experience of learning is more important than feeling the best at any one activity. Remind them that everyone is different and will respond to the learning experience differently.

7. First term can seem long and tiring after the initial joy of starting has worn off the family. Routine and sameness start to appear and a realization that being at home with mum and possibly younger siblings may have more to offer.

I suggest:

From an early stage remind the child that you are so happy that they are attending school. Each day makes you feel that they are successful. Sometimes drawing up a chart with each day listed and colouring it in as a success chart really helps them cope with the ordinary side of the day in the first term. It is all about feeling that being at school makes you (the parent) happy and it is a successful experience. Each day can bring a surprise and a little success.

8.  There are times when children talk about their work and seek your approval.

I suggest:

All attempts are gratefully accepted as legitimate samples of good work. We are about applauding the effort, not so much the outcomes at this stage. We are about teaching them that learning is a progression of trial and effort. We instill in them very early that their efforts are a success.

9. Opinions of others, which include immediate family are always important to the child. Take care to ensure that ancillary discussions around the child are positive in nature. Children quickly pick up conversations that can be destabilizing to a good start. At this early stage it is all about enjoying the learning experience.

10. School can be a long day. Kindergarten environments have various ways of resting students. A school is set up with routines and schedules that are quite different.

I suggest:

Give your child plenty of rest and take care not to introduce them too early to extra curricula activities. Teachers have considerable structure to their day which can be quite daunting and overwhelming for some children.

11. A very important aspect of the school day is getting to the school yard to play.

I suggest:

Take care not to pack heavy, over wrapped items for lunch. Children become anxious when they are not out on time playing with friends. Having a good start on the yard to play with others has more importance to a child than a well packed lunch. Make light lunches and make them enjoyable with a small, not overly sugar driven sweet. I know that lunch is not the high priority for some children. It is about having adequate time to play. Remember they are developing strategies on the schoolyard to be successful in play. This becomes quite a focus for them early in prep.

12. Children need to feel proud of their performance and will bring home many samples of work completed.

 I suggest:  

That samples of work are clearly displayed whereby much family discussion can applaud their efforts and discuss the work. Visual samples of work talk more to a family than some reassuring words.

13. Routine and school rules can be somewhat overwhelming when they start school.

I suggest:

Setting up a simple diary perhaps on the fridge which outlines the days of the week where different events occur such as wearing their sports uniform. This diary could also mark off each a day and talk about forthcoming events that will impact on the child.

14. Often when children leave school they struggle talking about their day. They are very aware that being successful and making the parent’s proud is important.

I suggest:

Not questioning the child about the day straight after school. They will naturally talk about it in their own time.  For some children, bedtime is a good time to talk about what happened at school that day. How many of us as adults rush home to talk about our days at work? Especially, if there are occasions not to remember with joy. At this early stage of school, the child feels it is about making the parents feel happy that their child is successful. Take care not to expect too much.

15. Regular routines, sleep time and reading to children should become routine by night for the child.

 I suggest:

Stick to a weekly routine during the school term. This teaches the child about boundaries and gives them a secure feeling that their school and home are strongly connected. They like to know that their teacher and parents are aware of their routine and both on the same page. Remember not to have controversial conversations about the school in front of the child. This causes them some distress and confusion.

Remember, early success at school is all about the child feeling secure and developing their own strategies in improving their performance.  Small successes are important along the way. Starting school well is not about our success. Nor is it aligned to us feeling that we have performed well.  Happy long term memories of early success at school are all about small steps of progressive achievements fuelled by parent’s approval. Sometimes our own