So, what’s in a school?
This is certainly is a challenging question. I would be the first to say dig deep and you will find many opportunities for developing yourself and growing familiar with your child’s school. Being around a school is a vibrant and lively feeling. These school years with your child are precious and will not return once complete. Therefore, embrace them.
My recommendation is for you to research what the school offers and how you can tap into its life or perhaps add to its life.
The following are considerations about what’s in a school:
How involved are you able to be at your child’s school?
Explore the library and learn from the librarian what and how you can access books for the family. Often school libraries have specific sections for parents and they often hold a wonderful feelings section to support children going through emotional issues. Also, if you have time, you could always help in the library. There is so much to learn about books in this environment.
Does your school offer parenting nights? Schools often look to supporting family education. This can be through a one-night session or a series of nights.
Read the school newsletter regularly to get all the updates in the life of the school. This certainly gives you a broad picture of what is happening across the school.
In my time as Principal, many parents in midlife looking for a career change, assisted in classrooms and took up the teacher aid course. Teaching is a great career to take up after having had other work and life experiences.
Simply helping in the classroom gives you a chance to learn about how reading, writing etc., is taught. You can pick up great teaching strategies from just being around teachers. It is also fascinating to watch how teachers manage and relate to the children with such control.
If you enjoy sports, often being involved in the sports programs at the school is a wonderful way to commit to a valuable part of the curriculum.
Schoolyards are great places to build friendships with other families. Many lifelong friends have been made from meeting families in the school setting.
When the school offers social days such as Book Week, where there are dress-ups, consider joining in and sharing in the fun with your child.
Do you have special talents that you can offer the school? For example, can you paint, teach cooking or crafts? Schools love to hear from talented parents who contribute their skills to teaching children.
Check-in with your child’s teacher to see if they need assistance. Your presence in your child’s classroom is a buzz for your child.
These thoughts are to explore and invite you into the life of the school. Your child benefits from your engagement and school become a natural extension to their home life.
“Behind the child that makes the most progress is an actively involved parent.”
Another lockdown and more home schooling. How important is it?
Let’s take some pressure off ourselves and look at this lockdown week. Schools are busy writing reports, and summating work etc. Their focus is very much on these midyear reports for which teachers are so accountable. Given their work overload, I would be surprised if work set online would have high expectations as the teachers have limited time to plan for these online activities.
This week I would be encouraging the children to fulfil the teacher’s requirements, but also concentrate more on keeping up the reading and working on progressive projects etc.
This is also a week for once again capitalising on time together. In the early days of winter just get outside, bike ride, walk, jog, play games etc; that will take the focus of yet another lockdown away from everyone’s minds.
We certainly can get caught up with negative rhetoric that is around but by focussing on some positive experiences together as a family especially engaging in happy physical activities, the time will slip away.
There are some important conversations worth having with children as we enter a time of more anxiety around the pandemic.
Consider:
There are some important conversations worth having with children as we enter a time of more anxiety around the pandemic.
Keeping up to date with the current situation. Discuss this with your child and make the conversation age-appropriate. Keep the information simple to grasp and invite your child to ask questions that may be troubling them.
Many newspapers present very distressing news items. It seems they are all about the blame game and sadly remind us of the worst of the situation. Be careful about what printed material is in front of children. Disturbing headings can build anxiety. Keep to the facts. Control the accurate facts around the children.
Talk about the incredible and speedy breakthroughs we are having with vaccines. This is a wonderful conversation about how science is such a gift to humanity. It is also showing the amazing ingenuity of the human race. This is a great time to learn about other scientists and their amazing breakthroughs in science.
Keep an eye out for the information sent home from school. The staff are struggling through these difficult times and will want to offer the best to their children. Do not compare how different schools are responding to the lockdown. All school environments have their own approach to working through issues and especially now they need your support and reassurance.
Keep in mind that we are living through very different times and our societal responses to the changing virus are never planned in and for the long term. It is all about short term responses to changing virus conditions.
We are teaching our children to be resilient and tolerant of change that will help everyone. This is a new phenomenon and it is all about empathy and the Common Good. This is a great time to talk about the importance of the Common Good. This is a big challenge for those that focus on the Me generation.
“Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much.”
A few thoughts on school in the month of May
Hopefully, a routine is now well underway. Children should be very familiar with their teacher and class. Homework processes should be well established and weekly patterns with sport afterschool etc. well entrenched in the family’s life.
There are always changes and challenges in a classroom, not the least of which is the social exchanges that happen between children. This is worth checking in on from time to time. Talk to your child and when in doubt the teacher will have the wisdom and knowledge to know about any incident.
Here are some thoughts to keep the school and home life churning away comfortably in partnership:
Frequently talk to your child about the progress of school. Tuning into school discussion is a way of showing ongoing interest even in the ordinary times.
Keep an eye on homework patterns and remember if the homework is a struggle talk to the teacher, do not resolve it at home. There are many theories about the value or not of homework. It certainly should not be causing family disruption when the child isn’t coping. It is not the role of the parent to take over homework. The ownership belongs to the school.
Attend school information nights or class visits when invited. It is so important to keep up the momentum with your child, that school is important and the information they give out is valuable. Your presence at the school means so much to your child.
Keep an eye on the sleep your child gets during school weeks. As the term progresses, winter creeps in, children can be prone to sickness and fatigue.
Is your child coping with the amount of afterschool activities? This should be looked at in light of their capacity in coping with school, homework etc. More activities do not make for a richer experience. It is all about finding the right balance.
Talk about your child’s friends. Be interested in them. It is most important to a child that their friendships are valued by the family. They rely so much on them for social and emotional support. Your approval adds to their sense of satisfaction.
Read the school newsletter around the family. This is an excellent way to keep in touch and discuss with your child the various aspects of the life of the school.
Use your fridge as a way of talking about school. Put notices on the fridge, refer to them often.
Younger students, especially those in the foundation years get school fatigue after a few weeks at school during the term. Keep an eye on this and certainly, keep them home if they need a small break. Best that they are at school happy and learning rather than developing a sense of sadness and tiredness. Of course, negotiation with your teacher is most important here.
During the school term, it is important to ensure that the life of the school which is such a focus for your child is given high priority in the family. It should not be competing with family demands. This is comforting to your child when they feel that what happens in the day does not stay in the day, it can be discussed happily at night. We want our children to sense a strong interconnection between school and home. They need to see that the learning and life experiences they gain at school which are wide and variable have a real place in the life of the family.
“At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of parents.”
The value of teaching about choice
Our children should learn that making choices is a very powerful tool in making sound informed decisions in life. Of course, we can make choices that do not give the outcome we expect and can of course lead to failure. However, making such a choice is also a valuable learnt experience.
Making choices begins to define our character. It aligns us in certain directions and it can be a turning point on many directions. Our children make choices all the time. The key point here is to teach them that making choices is a powerful statement to others of who they are and what they value. We also learn to own our choices and to understand that what we choose should be seen proactively.
Here are some thoughts on helping children understand that choices influence and direct their world:
Talk about some choices you may have made over the years. Some were very successful and perhaps others required a rethink and reset.
Teach your child that making a choice is a privilege. We can make decisions but they will be owned and lived through by yourself.
When discussing optional matters that can be chosen remind them that the choice they make should be one from which they grow and learn. It should be a proactive and mature choice that leads to a healthy outcome. They must own the outcome and not regret it but move forward no matter what. There is no blame when you choose to make a choice.
Classrooms have many occasions when children make choices. This is especially the case when working on projects. Teachers encourage them to think through their choice such that they will gain the knowledge and learning they want from the exercise. Here teachers are encouraging them to think through the choices they make.
Parents should plan to set up a working relationship with their children which does give them many occasions to make choices. The more you can encourage this, the quicker they develop independent thinking and begin to be selective in their planning. As a parent delaying their ability to make choices delays their interest in self-management. We want our children to have the confidence to make choices fully aware of their actions and aware that they own the outcome.
Slow and steady support in this area will give our children the confidence to be independent thinkers, enlightened and well-rounded individuals.
‘The fact is that kids learn to make good decisions, by making decisions, not by following directions.’
-Alfie Kohn
“The fact is that kids learn to make good decisions, by making decisions, not by following directions.”
Being learner is a lifelong exercise
Do you enjoy being exposed to new information? Do you show your child all the new things you have learnt over the day? Are you excited about new information that comes your way?
The more we show our children that learning is ongoing and that it is a life long journey, the more they will engage with new experiences, be less fearful of new concepts and be driven to learn.
The good news about living in a technologically driven world is that children are exposed to new information constantly and whilst this comes with its own set of problems, we cannot bemoan the fact that they can access so much information in a heartbeat. The trick here is to establish how useful the information is to their learning. This is all about learning to be discerning with information.
This blog is simply about encouraging your child to see learning as a wonderful life-giving experience. It is not just a five hour a day, classroom experience.
This article is also about encouraging your child to read books, magazines, use internet to gather information etc. There are many sources of learning that involve listening, as well as reading. Developing an insatiable appetite for learning is what it is all about.
If you, the parent demonstrate that you are a learner and enjoy the experience of gathering and reflecting on new information, this will impact on your child’s perception of what learning is all about.
Learning is more than 5 hours in the classroom
Consider what you teach your child:
Is your home scattered with books, sources of information and is it an environment where conversation and debate are present and encouraged?
Children begin to see learning as a mental habit, something done regularly so that knowledge is built upon. Once starved of new information, the child feels vulnerable.
They grow to look forward to learning new concepts. They see it as a natural process to simply keep learning.
Your child once hungry for knowledge has become a lifelong learner. They see and crave new knowledge. They come to appreciate that knowledge is power.
You teach them that having an inquiring mind exposes you to so much learning. You are the mentor in developing their thirst for learning.
Your constant inquiry, asking questions, probing ideas etc. will demonstrate to your child that being inquisitive is healthy. You encourage its presence in your children.
Children who love gaining knowledge feel strengthened by the experience and are not easily disengaged. The knowledge they gain builds mental stamina and gives them credibility amongst peers. Their emotional intelligence is accelerated as they feel more in touch with mentally being in control.
“Once you stop learning, you start dying.”
Positive talk with your child around the Naplan
Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
If your child is sitting the Naplan test then I recommend approaching the situation in a positive way and give your child the reassurance they need that Naplan, in the scheme of things has little relevance.
Consider:
Talk to your child about all that you have learnt about them through the teacher.
Remind them that your teacher is the best person to tell you how you are progressing at school. Remind your child that education, learning is about building up knowledge. It is not about picking out a special test to compare you to a larger cohort of children.
If you feel that your child is anxious about the test arrange a parent-teacher interview with your child to give the child reassurance about their ability to learn.
Also remind your child that the teacher does regular testing which is accurate as it is cumulative and that is what you learn about progress.
Once you obtain the Naplan results ensure that you talk positively about your child’s progress and offer positive reassuring words about the value of all the education across the year.
Talk to your child about your views on Naplan. If you are of a similar mind and question its value as an educational tool, discuss this with your child. It can take the pressure of the test putting things into a better perspective.
Remind your child that it is one test in one day. How relevant is that in the schema of life?
Talk generally about testing done at school. Reminding your child that its primary purpose is to guide teachers in their planning. Well planned teachers teach very well. Their results are more accurate as they are cumulative and above all they know your child!
Try to avoid talking negatively about Naplan issues, media, news etc. as children still talk to each other and build anxiety from what they hear around them.
Talk to your teacher about how Naplan is distributed and administered. Talking to your child about these practical issues can reduce anxiety on the day.
Children need to know that you value their journey of learning which is long, extensive and variable. Reminding them of this decreases the relevance of a standardised test once a year.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs one step at a time.”
Let’s look at Naplan or is it Noplan?
The purpose of the Naplan testing was always about the Government gaining data that they could use in planning for educational improvements. Whilst there have been many theories and beliefs in the latter years about why Naplan, the question now is whether it has relevance in helping your child in their learning?
There are many questionable factors that have made the overall data to some degree invalid and worthless. For example, some schools may teach to the test, thereby disadvantaging those children who are not specifically working towards the test. Of course, the question is also whether more independent schools will approach the test with rigour to ensure the best results for the school. Also, what if your child was unwell the day of the test. How relevant are the results?
What are your thoughts on Naplan?
Consider that teachers will teach the curriculum in different ways across a year. What if they have not as yet taught what was on the test? Does this discriminate against your child?
Does my child feel the anxiety of these very formal tests at a young age?
Certainly, in my experience, there was a good percentage of children who felt the pressure. They would be anxious about their results being interpreted in the light of everyone else in the state. Also, consider the disruption to teaching and to teachers as they prepare and organise the children to sit the tests. Do the test results reflect their teaching? And so, the general concerns go on.
A big factor in this discussion is that if this is about the results of the individual child, we need to remember that teachers are testing constantly. It is a normal part of their work. They already have a collection of data in a range of areas that reflect the child’s progress. Therefore, does the Naplan guide their teaching? I believe not!
In today’s world of increasing anxiety in children, not the least of which has been the pandemic disruptions and related worries, why do we need a standardised test? Simply ask your child’s teacher to show their results which are cumulative, given under less stressful conditions and a normal part of a teacher’s week. The teachers know your child. A standardised test does not tell you much about your child.
I encourage the debate about the relevance of Naplan and recognise that the best evaluation of your child’s progress comes directly from the classroom teacher.
After all, we do not want:
Increased anxiety in our children about their performance in a standardised test.
Developing competition between schools.
The building up of pressure in teachers and compromising how they teach to suit a test.
Educating children is a broad and complex issue. It should be built around developing their strengths and not dotting in bold their weaknesses. How can we educate if we are constrained to such limitations as a standardised test?
“Whatever an education is, it should make you a unique individual not a conformist.”
Self-control, a great tool to learn
No surprise when we think about our children’s lack of self-control. They are more prone to struggle with self-regulation when it comes to emotions. The younger the child, the more likely self-control is not the norm. This is our chance to teach our children that self-regulation, more specifically self-control is a better choice. It is a learnt skill and does not automatically happen just because we grow up.
Once again, the modelling seen around the child and the amount of self-regulation they see happening impacts their capacity and interest in developing self-control. It is very easy to lose it. We know as adults what presses our buttons and how this can impact self-control even though we have a trained brain knowing that lack of control spirals us straight down.
Schools are great spaces to teach children self-control. With a classroom and on the playground, children have many occasions to demonstrate that they are in control. Teachers recognise it as a skill and teach children that using self-control gives them so many advantages physically, socially, intellectually and emotionally. They understand that from time to time this breaks down according to a child’s maturity but gradual improvement and affirmation when self-control is demonstrated is the key in schools.
It is all about controlling the will, the desire to have and to obtain despite any controls. Our will power can control so much of our self-control over matters.
Consider:
Do you give your child affirmation when they demonstrate self-control even over simple matters? Remember that learning self-discipline is about acquiring life skills. It can be taught and definitely acknowledged when evidenced.
In your household is their ongoing examples of self-control? Are you quick to lose it and this of course spirals down to general discontent for everyone?
As a child develops self-control this means that unselfishness and care for others is growing in importance in their mind.
‘Well done. You gave that cake to your brother. You are such an unselfish child.’
Naming the unselfish act is important.
If at times self-control is not evidenced at home, this is a great time to talk about what went wrong and who was impacted. This also applies to the adults when they let their guard down with self-control.
‘I am sorry that I shouted at you. I wasn’t thinking of how it would be upsetting. I should have just slowed down.’
Lessons are learnt with ease when we admit as adults that we sometimes lose self-control but we reflect on its impact on others. This is how we learn effectively.
When you see examples of others showing restraint and demonstrate self-control talk about it to your child. Mention all the positive implications it has on others.
Teaching self-control is incremental and over time the child comes to see that managing themselves better gives them a better relationship with others. Our job as parents is to support their understanding that self-control is a life skill enriching their well-being and others.
‘Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most.’
-Abraham Lincoln
The Art of being Happy
Our children deserve to be happy. By nature of being a child, they are keen to smile, feel happy and enjoy their early years filled with imagination and light. Sounds idealistic I appreciate. We also know how we have to keep them in the real world which at times can be a quick shock to be taken out of fantasy, creativity and imagination.
However, being happy around your children is a warm and delightful way to demonstrate that life can and should be happy. Some of us have more serious dispositions. Some are lighter and look for the enjoyment and lighter side of life. Therefore, all families will be different in how they present themselves to their children.
We do need to teach our children that happiness can be found in any moments of the day, across a lifetime. It should be clear what makes us happy and we should be looking optimistically for things that make us happy. Such a disposition is mentally healthy. It is all about how we feel inside and we all naturally want to feel healthy and happy inside ourselves.
If a classroom does not have a happy disposition, the children’s capacity to learn is down. They want to be around happy light-minded teachers as they feel reassured and valued. Such teachers give them reassurance that they can make mistakes as they learn.
When hiring teachers, I was always looking for those teachers who savoured life and had a happy disposition. I owed this to the children they would teach.
My job as Principal was to ensure that the pal was very obvious in the word, Principal. The more they saw you as a friendly, happy person, the more approachable you seemed to them and therefore the more relevant.
Consider the following concepts that you teach your child when you are happy in yourself.
Let’s teach our children that happiness can be found in any moments of the day, across a lifetime.
They want to imitate that sense of being happy. You’re modelling here is so important.
They see it as the right way to be rather than anxious and unsettled. This means that they are less inclined to gravitate around people who bring them down.
They seek out similar children who likewise enjoy being happy and avoid those that bring them down.
When they are happy, they likewise will attract similar personalities.
Children begin to condition themselves into wanting to feel good. It is a more satisfying feeling than being down and intense. This is a positive outcome from being happy.
They are developing into more interesting young adults when they seek out happiness. People notice warm hearted people.
As they build on happiness, they become more insightful people who see life as a great opportunity and a place in which to be.
“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”
Can we slow down and smell the roses?
We live in a world that is so busy constantly. In fact, I will be bold enough to say that we worship speed and value being inundated with information all the time. Social media, our mobiles etc. are all about using technology to speed up information and to be constantly informed.
Our children live in such a world and teachers spend much of their time keeping pace with the pressure of teaching, and at the same time trying to get children to value a slower pace.
Worshipping speed and the overload of information that it can give does not lead to thinking through a balanced understanding of issues.
However, our children are born into the notion that speed and amount of information measures knowledge.
There are many advantages in teaching your child the advantage of slowing down
There are many advantages in teaching your child the advantage of slowing down. Firstly, it invites them to process the information gently and it highlights the importance of ensuring that the information so gained is not destroyed by the overload of extra information that comes in so quickly.
Teachers recognise that simply gaining more information fast does not necessarily teach a child anymore. They recognise and value the importance of processing information carefully and with attention to detail.
The following thoughts help us support our children who are overly exposed to information:
When a child uses internet to gather information, take time with them to decipher what is real and not so real in evaluating information.
Engage in activities with your child that are single based. This means simply enjoy bike rides or ice creams together. Enjoyment does not need to be any more complicated.
When you choose family holidays, choose holidays that are not overcomplicated. Do you find for example too many visitors interrupt such simple time with family? Is it necessary to plan holidays that are entertaining every single day?
Activities such as sitting together and working on a cross word puzzle are excellent opportunities to simply stay focussed together on one activity for a prolonged period.
Teach your child that overstimulation can lead to fatigue and does not give clarity.
Demonstrate by your own example how working slowly and carefully through issues is a better way to solve problems and feel successful in outcomes.
We simply teach our children that slowing down and taking time to achieve tasks has within it much reward. We smell the roses when we successfully feel satisfied in our strong and steady achievements.
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while you could miss it.”
Teaching our children the value of courtesy
A strange word and one that represents so much of valuing the other person. It says that the other person has value. The question here is how much value is placed in today’s world on being courteous or considerate to others. It is, I would say, a very underrated gift that can definitely benefit a person in building trusting relationships. If we are not courteous, respecting the other’s person’s right to an opinion how can we establish relationships, accept difference etc?
I was always curious to find that when choosing school captains, teachers and students requested a child that valued the other person. They wanted a school captain that respected and was courteous to each and everyone in the school. Such a value was demanded in a leadership position. This also applied to classroom leadership positions, sport captains etc.
How much value is placed in today’s world on being courteous or considerate to others?
In a classroom setting, teachers will set up activities, games, group work etc, all requiring a strong aspect of being courteous and respecting fellow students. Children know that without such a value they cannot work with each other fairly and come to value difference. Being courteous stimulates conversations in a non-threatening way.
When I worked with children it was most important to ensure that the child knew that despite the problem, I was courteous and valued their presence. They were an individual of value and credibility and that should at all times be present in our conversations and in my mind. Once courtesy is apparent in conversations no matter how difficult, resolutions are more likely to happen. Trust then creeps into the relationship and more understanding and tolerance of difference appears.
Consider:
When in dialogue with your child always keep in mind the sensitivity of the situation and how you value their humanity by being always courteous. Being abusive immediately shuts down real conversation.
Demonstrate to your child that you are a courteous person to people you meet. You may have some personal differences but still the presence of showing courtesy to that person is a powerful message to your child.
Talk about courteous people that you admire. What do you like about them? Notice that people who are courteous are often gentle people who do not use intimidatory power of being loud and aggressive in style.
When you are talking to people such as teachers, school parents etc. it is so important that your child sees how comfortable you are in treating them well through conversation. It is all about looking and accepting that in everyone there is good.
When you talk about them privately keeping up that courteous talk is so important. What you are telling your children is that people should be treated with respect no matter how I differ from their opinion. It is a helpful habit in negotiating through differences.
Teach your child that you may disagree with someone but you still respect their right to an opinion. You will therefore talk with them and around them courteously. You will recognise that their voice has value and has a right to be heard with courtesy.
‘Teach your kids to be polite right now.
So, when they grow up, they can:
Speak without being bossy.
Inspire without intimidation.
Lead without being tyrants and live life to their full potential
Powerfully, Vibrantly, Harmoniously.’
-AFineParent.com
Discipline or restorative healing?
No question about it, from time to time we need to use discipline with our children. I prefer to refer to it as ‘setting up consequences’ as the word discipline to me has harsh undertones. It alludes to administering harsh measures that can be felt for some time. After all, consequences are more about inviting your child to understand their actions and to deal with them in a responsible way. This does not in any way undermine the responsibility of the unacceptable action. In fact, it invites the child to take ownership of making mistakes.
Schools often use a method called restorative practice. It is primarily about a child acknowledging their wrongdoing after much listening and reflection. Together with the teacher, they put in place restorative action that will have consequences and healing for all parties. It encourages self-discipline and self-control. It invites children to reflect on their actions in the light of the problem.
This involves talking to children in a positive way about their behaviour.
“I am very disappointed that you broke that vase.
Together we need to find a way of dealing with this.”
You can invite the child to find the appropriate consequences and together you plan a way forward. Often using this method, you will find the child is quite hard on themselves. Care must be taken to work on the best consequences for the problem not always the harshest.
“Now that we have dealt with this matter, how can we avoid it happening again?”
Here we invite some proactive thoughts on moving forward and avoiding the same problem.
Also, affirm the child once the behaviour and consequences are complete.
“Well done. You understand that what you did was wrong and you have made me feel better now. We can move on.”
The most important part of giving consequences is to move forward after the consequences are finished. For the child, the most important part of healing is knowing that they are forgiven and that you still love them despite their problems.
Try to be less angry when the incident occurs. Anger can escalate the child’s fear of giving the best response to the situation.
A few thoughts:
Try to be less angry when the incident occurs. Anger can escalate the child’s fear of giving the best response to the situation. Anger only encourages the child to shut down. Teachers understand very well that if they express anger without listening to the child, they will lose credibility. Solving the problem and moving on effectively then becomes a much bigger problem.
Keep everything in proportion. How serious was the problem? Perhaps it just needed a simple reminder?
Do the consequences fit the behaviour?
Are you taking over too much of the resolution and not including your child in the discussion throughout the process?
Check-in with your child after the resolution of the problem. Is your relationship intact after dealing with the behaviour?
Check-in with yourself to ensure that you have moved on. Carry no bitterness or malice.
Remember that many of the problems are about being a child, making mistakes and learning to grow. They will be short term and in a child’s life, there will be many repeated times to deal with consequences. Therefore, take it all in your stride and do not personalise issues.
If you have noticed an increased need to put consequences in place, check-in with your relationship with the child. Is all well in this area? Do I need to take time out to spend some individual healing time with my child?
Finally, whenever you have dealt with a problem, discussed the matter and dealt fairly with consequences, there will be growth and hopefully a broadening of understanding where forgiveness, mutual understanding and empathy grow.
“Conflict is not a problem that needs solving but a phenomenon that needs understanding.”
Judging people can have a powerful influence on our children
Are we prone to making quick judgements of people? I would add, are we very vocal about our observations of others? The delicate question that I raise here is how much do we influence our children on the judgements we make of others?
It is natural to have opinions and often this comes from a life lived with increasing knowledge around and about people. If we find ourselves quite opinionated about people are we in full possession of the facts? This blog is just to remind us that young eyes and ears are around and it is not difficult for your judgements to become their judgements. After all, at an early age, they trust your opinions.
What in fact is life-giving for our children is to be open to all kinds of people and to look for the best and not the worst of people. Having such a disposition is very attractive to others and is encouraging a more peaceful, mature way of being.
At school, teachers can see how influenced children become of others from the images formed by their parents. Once a child has such an attitude, they are working from the negative and not the positive.
A classroom is an excellent setting to teach children about accepting differences and growing to like the difference.
Consider:
Developing the habit of making quick judgements on people can become a life habit. It closes doors mentally and disengages from learning more about people.
Take care with what is said about others in the presence of your child. You may have strong opinions about someone, but I think it best to be subtle and careful in expressing them in front of your child. Let them slowly and gently form images of others for themselves.
Encourage an attitude that everyone is different and I may have some thoughts about this situation or person but there are many opinions to be considered.
Encourage your child to have an open mind when they encounter people with different views or perhaps ways of communicating.
Teach them that having an opinion is natural, but making judgements that damage can be harmful and lasting. Once judgements are made, opinions are sealed and limited understanding comes from making a judgement.
If your child talks negatively about a child in their class, discuss if they can see the good in that child and encourage them to be open to learning more about that person. A closed mind at an early age is not a healthy way to grow mentally and emotionally.
Social media sadly encourages judgment in all sorts of areas to do with people. Monitor what your child watches and have an open outlook on opinions and attitude about others. Teach them to be open to differences and to find some positive in difficult discussions about people that are controversial.
Developing the habit of making quick judgements on people can become a life habit. It closes doors mentally and disengages from learning more about people.
“If you judge people you have no time to love them.”
Teaching children the value of finishing.
In our busy world there are some aspects of our work which may never get finished, however teaching our children that completing tasks, finishing agreed goals is a very satisfying and important way of being.
To value finishing a task, etc. is to have the maturity to know that completion is satisfying and healthy.
Children are busy little bees who can start activities and walk away from them quite easily. This is partly due to their age, span of concentration and shifting interests. No matter what age, we can teach them slowly the art and grace of finishing.
Teachers know how important it is to teach children to complete their tasks in class. They will plan to allow enough time or will make optional ways for a child to finish their work. It is all about the importance of actually finishing. As children grow older, they are taught that their performance at school will also be judged on their ability to complete tasks. So, from an early age working towards completing tasks, projects etc. is considered a valuable tool in learning. Incomplete work is considered poor performance.
We can teach our children the importance of finishing by our own actions. Consider:
When you complete a task talk about how it feels to have it finished.
“I feel so glad that I finished mowing the lawn. It is a job well done.”
Affirm your child when they demonstrate that they have finished tasks.
“Well done. Your homework is complete now. You still have some free time before dinner.”
Draw up a list of tasks to do for the week. Tick them off when complete. Show your child how much satisfaction you gain from ticking off that list. Each item ticked off is a job behind you.
Encourage your child to come back to tasks incomplete. Remind them that no matter how much time is needed, completion is all about being successful.
“You have taken some time to clean up your Lego on the floor, but now it is all complete. Well done. The floor is so tidy.”
Remind your child that there is no satisfaction in not finishing. The joy comes from completing the task and then comfortably moving on.
Talk about some aspect of your work that gave you satisfaction once it was completed. Highlight the satisfying feeling you gained from completion. Also, what changed or grew as a result of completing the work?
Teaching your child, the satisfaction of finishing teaches them to appreciate and look forward to moving on. New horizons are born from completing tasks.
“If you’re brave enough to start, you’re strong enough to finish.”
Celebrate: it’s a key player in setting life time standards
We all love a celebration. They are so important in our understanding of the values and beliefs we all share in a family. These celebrations are strong reminders to our children that we value something special and we want to gather to remember or acknowledge an important time in our life.
Children look forward to celebrations and given that they may repeat themselves such as birthdays, anniversaries, rituals etc. a child will over time have them entrenched in their thinking as part of their life.
Schools set up celebratory dates from the beginning of the year. They understand that a celebration can be an opportunity to deepen the children’s awareness of some value etc. Take for example, the school’ anniversary each year of Anzac Day. The teachers will use this occasion to reinforce the values of that event and also celebrate the life of those men and woman who died for their country.
There are many aspects to celebrations. Sometimes it is simply about joy and sometimes it may have a deeper meaning such as a religious occasion, anniversary of someone’s life etc.
Keep in mind that the particular celebrations you share as a family reflect your unique qualities and are a chance to reinforce the richness of your family.
The following ideas may help in this area:
List the celebrations for the year with your child. Perhaps you may add in any extras that are important to celebrate given the circumstances.
Talk about why you celebrate the occasions and how you want to celebrate it. Children are wonderful at creating ideas for a celebration. Remember happy, positive, long term memories are born from such experiences. My children still vividly remember shopping for and buying a wedding anniversary cake for myself and husband when they were preteenagers. They were so excited to plan and surprise us and they still remember this occasion after many years.
When something special happens in the family is it an occasion to gather perhaps for a meal and celebrate it together? Be an opportunist and find reasons to celebrate. You won’t have to look far.
Think about celebrating what you want to see more of. Perhaps your child may be working hard to improve their writing and they find success through this. Then share a meal and praise their efforts. It doesn’t take much to see things that you would like to acknowledge.
Be creative in how you celebrate and invite your child into the planning process. In this way, they will take more ownership of the event. They will remember the occasion more profoundly.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
Fight, flight or go with the flow.
Do you have one of these tendencies when you are dealing with a conflictual issue? Sometimes our determination, sense of self-worth and anxiety about failure can take over and rather than losing face we can choose a flight or fight mode to cope. From time to time we switch into different modes. Flight and fight are a form of escapism from combined resolution.
Children will naturally experiment with all three modes and as they mature, we hope that they will be more inclined to read the signs and go with the flow avoiding failure. Rather this is more about understanding the circumstances, being tolerant of other’s opinions and not wearing the problem. It takes considerable maturity to go with the flow and compromise your way of being. However, after time you begin to realise the advantages of it.
Flowing with the situation requires discernment and developing the wisdom to cope with the situation, not personalise the matter and not get stressed. This may mean compromising your principals but it is also about thinking of others and valuing their input.
Parents who take on the fight model will eventually struggle as the child gets older. Fleeing is a model where we avoid situations that can eventually grow into a much more complex problem.
Are you a fight, flight or go with the flow type of parent?
Modelling for our children the art of flowing is teaching them that fight or flight is short term satisfaction. To flow keeps you in the discussion and hopefully, you still have stakes in the matter.
Teachers are all about negotiation and compromise. They teach children that when they are faced with a problem it is best to confront it and together with the other person negotiate a way though. If a teacher uses the model of fighting to win, they understand that eventually, their power runs out and no real resolution is made other than damaged relationships.
Consider:
When discussing matters with your child that can be unsettling, take care not to immediately resort to power to end the matter. This is likened to fighting to win and will eventually be unsuccessful. Negotiate. Talk to your child about what is on their mind and be prepared to discuss the matter calmly. Using the fight mode tells your children that the matter is unsettling for you and perhaps you are not the right person to talk to about the issue.
Parents can use flight by refusing to talk to their child about matters that they don’t want discussed. Escaping from such conversations can lead to children seeking resolution elsewhere.
Always be prepared to listen and discuss. You may be surprised at what you learn.
If you child has a tendency to fight or to run away from issues, gently engage with them and help them talk through the problem calmly and without judgement.
Teach your child that being prepared to listen, can lead to new information. Once you listen it is easier to go with the flow and simply you work through the problem more easily. You are more inclined to have a positive input into problems or conflict if people see you as someone who is fair and reasonable in discussing matters that are sensitive.
“If you want to fly give up everything that weighs you down.”
How focussed are we on being on time?
Do we live by the clock? Does it give us a sense of security so that we feel we can achieve everything we set out to do?
Take care not to measure everything by the clock. If we tend to be too focussed on being on time, monitoring our actions by time and feeling that if we are watching the clock, we will not operate in a much more efficient and successful way.
A problem can develop when we are preoccupied with time. We miss the little things that are so important especially with children. Their spontaneity can sometimes slow us down but is that such a bad thing? To stop and take the time to savour the special unpredictable moments with your child are more powerful than simply being focussed on the time and getting it right.
Are you so preoccupied with being on time that the stress in the family house goes up several notches?
Teachers are compulsive planners who know that their time is precious and that they have a set requirement of work to complete in a specific time. However, despite their preoccupation with time and awareness of its importance in their work, they still will stop the lesson. With the children, they will savour those special moments in the classroom that enrich the day and the experiences. Such awareness of the spontaneous precious moments that can happen at any time are important for refreshing the day. They are all about deeper more meaningful contact with people. They can also be instrumental in changing plans and directions for the day. Teachers realise that listening and redirecting actions can enable a classroom to flow more smoothly and more productively.
Consider:
Can you listen to the small things that happen around you with your child?
Are you so preoccupied with being on time that the stress in the family house goes up several notches? Can you relax a little in this area?
Can we plant in our mind the realisation that we put the value of our children over time and the things that must be done?
Think about how preoccupied you are about time. Can you make some adjustments and still feel that can manage the situation?
Those precious moments we capture on camera with our children can sometimes be missed when we become too preoccupied with time.
“Take care of the minutes and the hours will take care of themselves.”
Knowledge is Power
When we were in the grip of the lockdown, we were all seeking updates and new information with regard to the pandemic. Such knowledge was critical in keeping abreast of the situation that was at times quite confusing and unsettling. Managing anxiety and above all supporting the family through those uncertain times was the order of the day. Knowledge enabled us to take control of our daily life.
This is a classic example of how accurate knowledge gives you the power to manage and control the situation.
Children deserve accurate and up to date knowledge that will empower them to take control of their lives. As a parent, it is our duty to ensure that we are honest and give our children the knowledge that will empower them over all sorts of life matters. As a child grows, a parent of course tailor’s information that fits the age but above all, it must be the truth.
A child who values knowledge grows in the power of personal confidence and self-worth
Teachers’ roles are very much about empowering children with knowledge. They give them the tools to take control of their work. There is nothing more disempowering and limiting than not having the correct knowledge to drive decisions. It is like a ship lost in a storm with no anchor or guiding instruments to direct it.
Children trust their teachers because they will teach them accurately and with no holds barred. Teachers will be honest and empower them with useful knowledge. The more knowledge our children have, the greater power they have in taking control of themselves and being personally confident to tackle issues. We are all rendered powerless without knowledge.
Consider the following to help children in this area:
When a child asks a question be in the habit of answering correctly and with information that is accurate. Underplaying your child’s intelligence by offering simple answers can sometimes confuse a child. It can also suggest to the child that you do not have confidence in their ability to process information. This can reduce their interest in coming to you for knowledge.
Children display their curiosity in many ways. We should be available and willing to answer questions that enlighten and empower your child. Let them know that you are happy to share knowledge together. If you don’t have the answer straight away then follow up learning can happen together.
Be consistent in how you answer questions. Check in with your child later to see if they understand what you had to say.
Be prepared to learn from your child. There is much to discover from listening to them and respecting their knowledge.
As a parent remember that the more you empower your child with knowledge, the better equipped they are in coping with various life situations. They are also more inclined to approach you with difficult issues if they feel you will give them an honest and rich explanation. This is particularly the case as the child approaches puberty.
If you are a person who displays an insatiable appetite for knowledge, this will undoubtedly rub off on your child. Share your information and joy of learning with them.
Be open to talking about all sorts of topics that sometimes may take you out of your comfort zones. Let your child know that exploring various topics can lead to stronger awareness and sensitivity to all kinds of differences. We are only intimidated by what we don’t know.
A child who feels comfortable approaching a parent with all sorts of inquiries will undoubtedly feel comfortable and secure in your presence. They deserve the respect of being given accurate and clear information.
A child who values knowledge grows in the power of personal confidence and self-worth.
“An investment in KNOWLEDGE
Always pays the best INTEREST”
Laughter. It’s good for the soul.
How often do you laugh? Are you a family that laughs together and often?
Can you remember the last time you had a good belly laugh?
When you think about your past as a child, do you remember people who were always laughing and did this make you feel good?
Laughing is infectious and important for good mental health and for personal happiness. Cheerful people make us feel better and no surprises, we are drawn to them in a positive way.
In today’s climate with so much intermittent anxiety connected to the pandemic, how about increasing laughter in your family? For some, this will be easy but for some families, it may take some planning and work.
Laughter is like a tranquillizer. It makes you feel alive and connected to those who are enjoying a laugh with you. It is a bonding agent.
Sometimes it is not easy to create humour in difficult times but with some creative thinking, I am sure you can find some happy, warm moments at home that can bring instant laughter into the house.
Laughing is infectious and important for good mental health and for personal happiness.
Remember that children love to laugh and crave feeling positive. This is natural to them. They will welcome all the humour you bring into your family life. Your laughter reassures them that they are in a safe happy place. They certainly want to be there.
Consider:
A joke book. Read some jokes at dinnertime. This can be fun for everyone.
Get into the habit of telling your child the funny things that happened to you today. They love to hear positive stories.
Watch a funny movie together. This can be such an upbeat time for families.
In working with children, teachers understand that the tone of their classroom should be positive and happy. To this end, they always welcome a joke and encourage children to share laughter amongst themselves. They understand that joking lifts the spirit. I noticed that if I was happy and talked about some funny situations with children, they were more inclined to talk to me about their concerns.
Shutdown comes with children when they feel insecure and doubt the presence of positivity around them.
Having a cheerful, happy disposition attracts others to you. Having a sense of humour is a gift to cherish. It also lightens the burden of the day.
If our children learn to laugh and come from a home environment that encourages laughter, this will more likely encourage friendships in their life. They then feel comfortable in their connection with others. It also builds their self-confidence in expressing themselves in front of others.
“You don’t stop laughing because you grow older.
You grow older because you stop laughing.”
Faults! We all have them.
Do we sometimes focus too much on the faults that we see around us? Children by nature of being children are frequently making mistakes from practical matters through to their fragile emotional growth. I say all hail faults! Have often do you hear your child say:
“It’s not my fault.” At an early age, a child struggles to own a fault.
The key here is to focus more on virtues and gifts that we see present in our children. We certainly teach our children to manage faults and we do this in a gentle and caring way. We teach them to manage their faults and we praise their efforts when they show improvement.
Now that school has resumed children are exposed to various learning situations that will challenge them both inside the classroom and outside. They begin to recognise through the support of teachers, that making mistakes is acceptable and that we learn to strengthen the fault line by practice, effort and determination. Their world in school will be a daily exercise of managing success and checking in when faults occur. Our job as parents is to support them by accepting that we all make mistakes and have faults that can be worked on with support and encouragement. Let us take out the negative undertone of the word, “fault” and see it as an opportunity to grow. I am inclined to replace the word with “mistakes”.
Consider the following thoughts:
Are you a person who tends to notice faults before you notice the best of the person? If this is the case keep reminding yourself that focussing on faults only exacerbates one’s feeling of failure or disappointment in someone else. It is not difficult to develop a negative mindset about someone if you just focus on their faults.
Talk about how you have been working on yourself to improve in some area. Perhaps your fault is never being on time. Talk to your child about what you are doing to improve in this area. It’s important to show the child that naming the fault is the first job in taking control. Once named it puts things into perspective.
When your child talks about how they are struggling to succeed in an area, talk about the times you have seen improvement. Build on the positive times when you did see improvement.
“I can see you are struggling with maths. I remember how you mastered the times tables last year. That was a great success”.
Remind your child that we all have faults. It’s part of the human condition. Many of our great achievers over time struggled with faults and worked hard by taking risks and working on improvement.
It’s all about developing the best disposition and owning those faulty areas in which improvement can take place if you so wish to work on them.
“I think people who have faults are a lot more interesting than people who are perfect.”
