Lasting memories of a childhood

I remember Barbara, just stunning! I recently pulled her out of a dusty box that was labelled, ‘old goods’. How could that be? Barbara looked to me as fresh and alive as the day I met her. I was six and she was to be my companion doll for several long years, as I was an only child. Her bright blue eyes slowly opened and closed, Sometimes I carefully pulled down the heavy, thick dark eyelashes. I would think she was once again doing that all familiar wink and reassurance that she was there just for me.

I noticed her dress. It had been sewn together by my mother using scraps from a box. I remember thinking how clever it must have been to sew pieces of material together. They were from the factory in which my mother worked. She would often bring remnants of material home, and they all ended up in this one tall box.

Barbara seemed a little lighter than I remember her and sadly her left leg had come away from the plastic joint. I remember that had she visited a doll’s hospital to get that problem fixed or so I was told and I waited what seemed forever to get her home. She must have missed me terribly. I also had a memory flash of times when Barbara and I would have tea parties with my cat on the lawn. Strange isn’t it, as I now have allergies to cats. I wondered when I stopped liking them as I find them now a menace to my health.

Memories started to flow of times when Barbara and I would chat about who, where and what was in my small world. A few broken lines from songs came to mind, that as a child I sang, long since forgotten. At least they were a remnant of happy songs which now have faded into obscurity. It wasn’t an easy childhood, but Barbara was always there. She seemed to wear that same reassuring look and would on occasion with my encouragement, by pulling down her eyelash, give me a wink.

These scattered memories took me into a happy, secure place and reminded me, that as a child, we take with us various images that can still play a small part in our older life. Thanks Barbara! I will now show my appreciation by placing you on a shelf where I can glance at you occasionally when I have those darker moments. I know you will be a stable, secure influence that I take from my somewhat disheveled childhood. You will always have those bright, red cheeks and your hair will look so smart, not a wave out of place. I like that idea of stillness and stability.

I wonder what all our children today will take with them into adulthood.As parents, we help in creating some of those lasting images and in every child. I hope they find their Barbara.

The delight and significance of reading to your child.

There is something almost spiritual when you are curled up reading to your child in the comfort and silence of their room. The charm and the sense of connectedness touch new heights in relationship and deepens the warmth and tenderness of the occasion. This is a time when a story carries you and your child into a new magical space. You share that space together and it is a happy memorable occasion filled with mystery, hope and wonder. Mindfulness would tell us that it is all about the moment. What a charmed moment to share and savour together.

 Let us reflect on what are some of the advantages of reading to your child.

• It’s a shared experience. How many of those occasions do you get in a busy day with your child?

• Stories are built around a hope-filled message and together you get a chance to talk about all the life messages that are present in a story.

• It is also a time to reinforce your values when you read stories that illustrate important concepts to you. This is not about being manipulative but rather affirming some of the messages that appear throughout the book.

• This is a wonderful time for your child to talk about their feelings, fears, concerns etc. that may appear in some form in the story. Listen carefully as you will learn much from their interpretation of the story.

• Reading a story to your child is a chance to feel free and capture the joy of the writing and the wonderful images that are present in children’s books.  You too can rekindle the joy of children’s books for yourself which you may have long forgotten. It is not a duty to read to your child, it is a privileged moment, a time to rekindle your childhood. It’s about bringing back the magic.

• Absorbing yourself in the literature with your child transcends both of you into the same magical space. How often does that happen when every day as an adult we deal with our own realities.

• Reading all the positive outcomes of stories reminds us that happiness is worth pursuing. We live in a world where negativism can quickly rise to the surface, striking at the very heart of feeling happy. Reading children’s literature is full of joy and hope. We need a good dose of hope from time to time.

CS Lewis once said, ‘someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.”

What a wonderful opportunity to be immersed in fairy tales with your child. Long may the imagination in story live.

‘The journey of a life time starts with the turning of a page.’

Rachel Auders

Let’s teach our children to enjoy what they have and not seek out more

This is such a hard lesson when we live in a society that has so much. It is natural to want to give our children the very best of toys and games and of course the latest technological gadget. Fierce competition can exist between children when their peers seem to have the latest and the best.

No easy task for parents who want to teach their children how to enjoy what they have rather than seeking out the next improved item. We all seem to have a strong connection to stuff that we accumulate and of course of which we have sole ownership. Teaching our children to value what they have and to be less anxious about the next item to come along can be a difficult task.

Here are some thoughts to help in this area:

• Demonstrate how you are less possessive with your material things and happy to share with others.

• Perhaps you have prized old toys from your childhood. Talk about its value in travelling with you over the years.

• If you are a conscious recycler, it is wonderful to teach your children all about how waste items in the house are recycled. This is a great teaching tool about why we recycle plastics etc.

• From time to time, you may have clean outs in your child’s wardrobe. Talk about how they can be handed done to other children or sent to second hand shops to be reused. Hear it is all about developing in the child a desire to put new life into old items.

• When sorting toys, especially with younger children, talk about how much enjoyment the child has got from them and ensure your child takes ownership for the care and storage of their toys. Once children value their stuff they are more inclined to want to enjoy them for longer.

• Encouraging your child to play freely and use their imagination is a great way of relying less on toys.

• Suggest that they make their own items of play. This can be a fun way to enjoy the spirit of play without the stimulus of highly stimulating toys.

• We all have heard that having more makes us less interested in what we have, so teaching your child to reinvent their old toys into new forms of play can be a creative activity.

• Giving children exposure to the great outdoors and can be as simple as the backyard is opening up new avenues of play. Why not encourage toys to be taken into the garden, relocated into the bathroom when old or simply rearranged to create a new look for the toys. It’s all about being creative and teaching how material goods can take on new meaning.

• Your home is a perfect space to be showing the children how you manage the stuff that comes into your life. Your example when it comes to managing goods, collecting items etc., will have a strong influence on their developing perception of material goods. Especially how they are to be understood and managed.

• The curriculum in most schools does cover recycling, major environmental impacts etc. Your child will learn about environmental sustainability which will support and complement how you manage such matters in the home.

Finally, your home is a great space in which to teach children about the value of goods such as toys, and books. It is about making conscious efforts to awaken in the child an awareness that the old can be new again.

‘When you choose to collect EXPERIENCES rather than Things, you’ll never run out of storage space.’

                                                                       -Mum’s Little Explorer

Managing children’s behaviour.

There is much to say about this topic but this article is to simply give you a broadsheet, a quick summary of what helps in the area of better management at home.

Firstly and no surprise, a child needs to live in a home that is a positive space and at all times, friendly. Here the child needs to really feel at home and it is a safe place where they get lots of positive encouragement and praise for good behaviour. Teachers are similarly aware that providing such a climate in the classroom gives children a feeling of being valued and wanting to learn. There is nothing more enjoyable than seeing a happy classroom in action.

The household should have clear rules and be a place where the child can see you, the parent living by the standards you set for them. The home is an important place of modelling for parents. The rules and values you live by should be evident in the home and form a good example for your child.

The home should be a stable place and provide emotional and physical security for the child. Never underestimate that the home is a safe haven for your child as they grow and deal with outside shifting and challenging life matters. The home is a place of physical and mental respite and one in which a child can be themselves.

Setting up regular patterns such as mealtime, bedtimes and other routines are important and provide consistency for the child. Of course, you will get objections from time to time but such challenges are normal, especially as the child grows and sees other models outside the home. Just as they grow you also need to adjust and modify rules to suit your growing child. Here I specifically refer to the importance of being flexible.

Create a home environment where the child feels they have a voice and that you see them as a legitimate person with evolving opinions, ideas and values. Be inclusive in your conversations with them and they will learn to see themselves as valid family members.  Their voice is important no matter what the age.

Teachers know that their classroom will generate much learning and stimulus if they provide an open and inviting style of classroom.  They know that they need to be consistent and authentic to get the best from their class.  It is amazing how such a climate can influence a child’s performance.

Finally, you will manage your child’s behaviour well if you are an approachable parent, a good listener, intuitive in what to challenge and in what to let go.

A wise parent knows that it is all about enabling your child to grow in different ways as opposed to overmanaging them.

‘There is no such thing as a perfect parent so just be a real one.’

Sue Atkins

Take care with words

We often hear that sticks and stones can break your bones but names can never hurt you. I wonder!

Children are very easily affected by words and negative words will often be the bread and butter of feeling bullied and less secure. Words that are used in haste by parents can also cause distress in children who are frequently seeking and needing your approval.  Words that are damaging to a child can be hidden in sentences such as:

“What a silly thing to do.”

You may not have said directly that your child was silly but that is the word that sticks and to the child that is the accusation.

How about when we say:

“That’s a dumb thing to do,” in effect the child thinks that they are dumb. 

Teachers are always watching their language to ensure that a child does not misinterpret their words. Once a child feels vulnerable as words have been used that intimidate them, the relationship is damaged. Often teachers quickly recognise that their language was damaging and so go into immediate mode to rectify the problem. Teachers will train themselves to avoid careless words.

 Parents naturally speak with much incidental talk around and with their child. Little ears pick it all up and careless words can easily creep into conversations especially when we are disappointed.

 “Watch out for the cord on the floor. It would be a silly thing to fall over it.”

Try saying:

“Watch out for the cord on the floor. It is dangerous.”

 Avoiding the obvious damaging words is the safest route. Words such as “dumb, silly ridiculous, crazy, mad, etc”. Words that can have connotations that imply the child is incompetent can be damaging.

 When working with children I tried to introduce some affirming words. For example:

“Thanks for closing the door quietly as it is an awful sound when it slams.”

It is amazing how the simple affirming positives can take away the edge in conversation. Such positives invite conversations that are not threatening.

Keep in mind the following thoughts:

• Better conversation means the relationship is on a healthy path. There is more honesty when a child feels less threatened by negative words.

• The use of negative words can mean that the child will shut down from the conversation.

• If there is a pattern of using negative words when something goes wrong, will your child approach you?

• When very upset allow some time to pass before bringing up the matter. Silence can be golden. It can reduce anger and ensure less damaging conversations will follow.

• Finally, think about the times when negative words have been used on yourself. I am sure you will recognise that feeling of loss and frustration. Did the feeling change your opinion of the person speaking the words? How did you respond after the words were used?

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can be everlasting.”