Understanding difficult behaviour
Parenting can get tricky, especially when dealing with difficult behaviour. Check out Gail Smith’s suggestions on handling those challenging moments with your child.
Parenting has many aspects to it. However, one of the most complex aspects is dealing with difficult behaviour. It will happen from time to time and as a parent it is all about what you tolerate and what you believe is acceptable behaviour. One of the very best things you can do is to teach your child to behave well. Your modelling and teaching is vital in this area.
Let’s consider how difficult behaviour can manifest itself:
Children with high activity or are clearly unsettled are more likely to misbehave
Sometimes it’s all about attention seeking.
Perhaps getting their own way is important to them.
Sometimes revenge to show how angry they are.
A child will model bad behaviour from other children.
It can happen when guidelines are unclear at home.
Some children need to be specifically taught the correct behaviour.
When a child is stressed. Difficult behaviour can be an outcome.
These are only a few examples of why poor behaviour can happen. Consider tackling the difficult behaviour in the following way:
Listen effectively to what they have to say. This is active listening.
Then talk about ways to address their concerns.
Some negotiation may be need. Work together on this plan.
Then together think about a resolution which may involve consequences for the child. This is real problem solving.
Check in later after action has been taken and affirm your child for going through the process.
Prevention is better than cure so think about why the problem behaviour has occurred. The more you understand, the less problems will continue to evolve.
“When you catch their good behaviour, reward well. It’s the best antidote to misbehaviour.”
Poor behaviour can get you down - 9 ways to better manage
Here are nine tips to better respond when poor behaviour interferes with you and your child’s relationship.
From time to time, continued poor behaviour can be tiring and may cause a frustrated parent to overreact on the littlest of issues. It is always wise to remind yourself of one important fact, when taken seriously, it helps to ease the pressures when things just get too hard. Remember what you are seeing with your child is simply behaviour. It is acted out because of some reasons where satisfaction has not been gained. It is a call for help. It is not the nature of the child nor should you begin to feel guilty because you have feelings of not liking your child. What you do not like is the behaviour, which is temporary and is not the child.
Here are nine thoughts to help understand the best ways to respond when poor behaviour interferes with your relationship with your child:
Be a proactive parent. This is where you are actively engaged in their life and always on the lookout to be proactive. This means spending time with your child, talking to them, playing, reading together and encouraging independence. It is all about having an active presence in their life. You have more chance of being heard when disciplining and will be respected by your child when rules, routines and rituals are put in place to enrich the family.
Catch them when they are good and keep the affirmation at a high level. Be specific and let them know what you affirm them for rather than just general acknowledgement.‘Well done. You put the dishes away and now I can go to bed a little earlier.’
When problem behaviour occurs, try to think about what and why the behaviour has occurred. Finding the reason takes away the feelings of disappointment and reduces angry disappointed feelings. Listen to your child and hear what they have to say.
Prevention is better than cure. Here I suggest you make sure your child knows what is expected of them and this may mean demonstrating the expected behaviour to the child. Having regular routines is helpful in developing regular behaviour patterns. Younger children especially, may not know what is expected of them.
When disciplining, take care to criticise the behaviour of the child and not the child. Upset children can misinterpret very quickly that you dislike them. It is all about disliking the behaviour, not the child.
Learn to negotiate with your child and get them involved in talking about the consequences of their actions. Keep the punishment to only suit the crime and move on quickly. Never surprise your child with some new way of dealing with the problem. Keep consequences familiar and consistent. Check-in with them later to make sure you are back on track with your relationship.
Are there some situations that you can let go and decide that some things can just pass? It is OK to just forgive, forget and make a fresh start. This is important to be intuitive enough to know what is best left alone.
In solving problems, it is vital that it’s done with the child. Once the problem is established, look together at possible ways to deal with it. Together, choose a solution to trial. Try it and later evaluate if it worked. This is the best way to teach them how to solve problems.
Keep things as simple as possible. When a child is upset, their capacity to reason and be logical drops immensely. They need you to be clear about the concern and to direct them into managing the problem calmly and with a belief in solving the problem together.
Finally, when we think about supporting our children with behavioural issues and problems, keep in mind that children have rights. One is to be treated fairly and consistently. Parents have rights also. One is to decide what standards of behaviour are acceptable in their own home. The invitation is clear. Treat your child with dignity as you educate them into managing themselves in a loving, respectful family, where effective listening and appreciation of each others’ rights are paramount. This can start from a very early age.
‘Challenging behaviour occurs when the demands and expectations being placed upon a child outstrip the skills they have to respond.’
-Youth Dynamics
How to deal with giving consequences for problem behaviour
I totally dislike the word Punishment. It has such dark and serious connotations and for a child it can be quite overwhelming when they hear there will be punishment for bad actions. How about saying there will be some consequences for poor behaviour. Here are some important aspects of dealing with problem behaviour that should be understood when managing negative behaviour with children.
I totally dislike the word Punishment. It has such dark and serious connotations and for a child it can be quite overwhelming when they hear there will be punishment for bad actions. How about saying there will be some consequences for poor behaviour.
Does your child know what they did wrong and who was hurt as a result of poor behaviour?
When a child receives affirmation and positive consequences for a job well done, it is logical that when behaviours are negative, some form of negative consequences can be given.
Here are some important aspects of dealing with problem behaviour that should be understood when managing negative behaviour with children.
Always be clear in articulating what the problem was, as often children are not sure why they are being given consequences. Sometimes an emotionally charged child will not hear what you have to say, so repeating is sometimes important.
Remember that you are upset about the poor behaviour and not the child. It is a fact that children can think that you don’t like them, when in fact it is the behaviour you do not like.
Response to poor behaviour should be as immediate as possible. The waiting game for consequences loses its value and can be upsetting unnecessarily for the child.
Be consistent. If you give a consequence, then follow it through. A child can be very confused and anxious if you plan consequences but don’t follow through.
Always affirm the child after the consequences.
‘I appreciate how quickly you cleaned your room after you were told. I love how responsible you can be when we need to deal with matters.’
Small consequences can be highly effective and deal with the matter quickly. If you find that you are giving far too many consequences it might be time for a rethink as to what is going wrong. Perhaps a good time for some active listening with your child to hear their concerns.
Only use consequences that are reasonable and proportional to the poor behaviour. Sometimes a child is not actually aware that the behaviour is poor and you may need to talk to them about what upset you.
Children are more inclined to accept the consequences of their actions if they understand what they did was wrong and especially if they understand who was hurt as a result. Never presume they have the full wisdom behind their actions and they need your support in explaining why it was wrong and who is affected.
Watch the tone of your voice when giving consequences. Remain calm and stable with a voice that is not too loud or intimidating. Such reactive behaviour is all about exerting power over the child which ultimately fails as a parenting tool.
As the main role model for the developing child, what you teach them about appropriate and inappropriate behaviour will very much reflect your values. Therefore, you have a major role in teaching and modelling positive behaviour which has such an impact on your child.
‘Children need love especially when they do not deserve it.’
-Harold Hubert