Being authentic and honest with your child is the best way forward

Being honest and authentic with your children is crucial for building trust, fostering healthy relationships, and promoting their emotional and moral development.

Here are six sound reasons, along with examples of what honesty and authenticity look like in parenting:

1. Building Trust: When you are honest and authentic, your children learn that they can trust you. This trust forms the foundation of a strong parent-child relationship. For example, if your child asks where babies come from, you can provide age-appropriate, honest information instead of making up a story. Tell the truth. Consider of course that it is age-appropriate conversations.

2. Setting a Positive Example: Children often model their behaviour after their parents. They look to you for learning about life. When you demonstrate honesty and authenticity, you set a positive example for them to follow. For instance, if you make a mistake, acknowledge it, apologise, and explain how you plan to make amends. This teaches your child the importance of taking responsibility for their actions. Let them see how you deal with mistakes and accept them as a learning process.

3. Enhancing Communication: Being authentic in your communication encourages open and honest conversations with your children. For instance, if you're going through a challenging time, sharing your feelings and concerns can help your child understand and empathise with your situation. This, in turn, can encourage them to confide in you when they face difficulties and eases the feeling that they will be judged.

4. Fostering Emotional Intelligence: Honesty and authenticity help children develop emotional intelligence. When you express your own emotions honestly and explain how you manage them, your child learns valuable emotional regulation skills. For example, if you're feeling stressed, you can explain that stress is a normal emotion and share healthy coping strategies you use. Letting them see that you are stressed is an acceptable behaviour.

5. Teaching Values and Morality: Authenticity in parenting allows you to impart your values and morals consistently. For example, if you believe in kindness and empathy, you can demonstrate these values in your interactions with others and explain why they are important to you. This helps your child understand the principles that guide your family. Involve them in the way you demonstrate your values. For example, if you are involved in a fundraiser get them involved.

6. Resolving Conflicts: Authenticity is essential when addressing conflicts or disagreements within the family. Instead of avoiding difficult conversations, address them honestly and constructively. For example, if there's a disagreement between siblings, you can facilitate a conversation where each child has the opportunity to express their feelings and thoughts while maintaining a respectful and open atmosphere. If you feel conflictual with your child, sit down together and discuss the issue.

Being authentic becomes easier over time. Here you are not setting up situations that are not sustainable. Your child will come to expect and in fact, demand an authentic relationship. This brings you into a close and intimate relationship with your child.

Being authentic around your child gives them a model of how life works.

Gail Smith

Celebrate your efforts as the first educators of your child

As a parent doing their best, take a bow. You are the first and primary educators of your child and all your efforts will not go unnoticed by your child. The years of effort and the untiring work you put into the rearing of your child will come to fruition as they mature. Of course, the world is not a perfect place and all that should be asked of any parent is that you simply do your best. There will be influences along the way that will impact on your child-rearing work but being consistent and determined with your heart in the right place will win out on this occasion.

Let’s now reflect on how you impact your child as the first and primary educator. The following reasons show you why you make all the difference.

Foundation of Values and Morals: Parents instil their values, ethics, and morals in their children from an early age. It naturally happens that way. This foundation helps shape the child's character and guides them in making ethical decisions throughout their life. They are listening and learning from an early age.

Language and Communication Skills: Parents are the primary source of language development for children. They help children build their vocabulary, improve communication skills, and foster a love for reading and learning. Speak to them well and listen well to what they have to say. How you use your language skills will influence how they use their language skills to others.

Emotional Well-Being: Parents provide emotional support, love, and care that create a secure attachment in children. This secure attachment serves as a strong emotional foundation, promoting positive mental health and resilience. Your emotional support perhaps I should say, this emotional security is the foundation of building self-esteem.

Cultural and Religious Identity: Parents often pass down cultural and religious traditions, customs, and beliefs. This helps children understand their heritage and cultural identity, promoting a sense of belonging. All that you do which is ritual and contains family values will give your child stability and a connection to the past.

Early Learning and Curiosity: Parents stimulate a child's curiosity by answering questions, engaging in activities, and encouraging exploration. This early exposure to learning fosters a lifelong love for knowledge and learning. Being an active, engaging parent will provide the stimulus and interest in learning.

Responsibility and Work Ethic: Parents teach children about responsibility, work ethic, and the importance of setting and achieving goals. These lessons help children develop a strong sense of personal responsibility and motivation. Your modelling in this area happens on a daily basis. They observe how you live and how you live up to your expectations.

In essence, parents play a crucial role in shaping their child's values, identity, emotional well-being, and learning experiences. Being the first educators, they have a profound impact on their children's development, helping them become well-rounded individuals who are prepared to navigate the world with confidence and integrity. The ball is in your court. Enjoy the game.

‘Parents are teachers, and home is a child’s first and most important classroom.’

-Hillary Clinton

Respecting different values

We all cling to our values and beliefs. This is what makes us so definable. We are without realising it passing on many values to our children all the time. It can be as simple as how you dress to whether tidiness is important in your family. Of course, there are more serious values such as racist viewpoints, and religious values. Political opinions etc can be a powerful statement of who you are and how you stand in the current world.

Little by little as you walk and talk with your child over the years your values are clearly laid out to them like a tapestry of life opinions. Every family has their own unique way of telling their story and passing on ideas and values to their children.

There is a challenge in this for us as parents. We may have strong values but are we open enough to talk to our children about the importance of respecting other values? They certainly will be exposed to this at school and as they mature they will begin to question and challenge even some of your most precious values.

The best way to ensure that your child understands your perspectives and is more likely to maintain valuing them is to be respectful of other's views and values.

 Consider: 

• When your child talks about how other families value certain habits etc. be positive and say that everyone has opinions and chooses to make choices to live by. In my case, I prefer to live my way and this satisfies me.

• If your child wants to talk about how other families do things differently, have an open conversation and listen to the opinions they are forming. Affirm their observation but gently state your values.

• Discuss from time to time how values can differ and how having an open conversation about it is important.

• Are you open to changing your values? Your child will grow and start to reflect on how they see their life forming. Sometimes this can challenge us to rethink our values and this can be a good thing. Here you show your child your open-mindedness and appetite to grow emotionally.

• Talk about how in your friendship circle there may be people who share different values and yet you enjoy their company. Let your child know that you do not have a closed mind and you accept differences comfortably.

• If you have values that you cherish, ensure that you consistently live by them as your child will respect you more when they see your consistency in living by your word. They will also look to see that such values actually make you happy.

• The school you have chosen for your child will present their own set of values. Take care that you share them with your child so that they feel that they are in a safe and trusting environment valued by their parents. A child becomes confused when they see conflicting values between school and home.

Finally, your presence in the life of your child is a massive imprint on their mindset where your values are laid squarely in front of them to either adopt, modify or erase. As a parent show your tolerance and acceptance that values can vary and that people make choices that you may find unacceptable by your standards. By respecting their right to exist, your child will see you as a fair and reasonable person whose values just might be worth adopting for a lifetime, with some adaptation of course!

‘Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.’

                                                                            Dalai Lama

The value you have to your child

So often as a busy parent we forget about the value we have to our children. We appreciate that we are important and that we hold great responsibility and balance of power in taking care of our child. I wonder how often we think about the value we give to our child.

          Dr Seuss said

“To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.”

Our busy lives strip away the sentimentality and time for reflection on such matters. However, stop for a minute and think:

• You make such a powerful impact on the developing life of your child. This then reminds us to take care on how we model ourselves and what messages we give to our children.

• The things you value will be initially valued by your child. After some time, they become more scrutinising but are greatly influenced by what you value in your life. For example, if you value being neat and tidy this will be a strong message to your child about how to live.

• Your well being is so important if you are to be a parent of much influence with your child. A healthy happy disposition shows your child that personal care is taken seriously by you and strongly valued.

• If you are so heavily valued by your child, remember that being authentic is showing your child that you are human and make mistakes, recognise difficulties, celebrate good times and do the best you can. When we aim to be perfect it usually goes pear-shaped and this gives a confusing message to our appreciative child.

• A helpful way of looking at it is to imagine your child grown up. What do you think they will think of you? Will they have a very distinctive way of looking back or will it be a mixed memory of how your acted and treated them. Think of your own parents and that journey. By focussing on this thought you realise that we carry images of ourselves into the future and you want them to be memorably happy moments. After all, you were for many years their heroes. They valued what you had to offer them.

• In working with children one of the clearest messages I received from children was how they knew their parents. To them, they were an important anchor and bearer of truth. Your word was taken seriously even though some behaviour may have suggested others. This almost spiritual value that you hold as a parent is quite sacred and such a precious parental gift you have been given. Use it wisely so that your child will carry forward all the lessons taught and learnt. They will discard some but they will value many as an adult and especially as they begin to parent themselves. Where else will they get their examples from?

          ‘Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.’

                                                                -W.E.B DuBois

Let’s teach our children to enjoy what they have and not seek out more

This is such a hard lesson when we live in a society that has so much. It is natural to want to give our children the very best of toys and games and of course the latest technological gadget. Fierce competition can exist between children when their peers seem to have the latest and the best.

No easy task for parents who want to teach their children how to enjoy what they have rather than seeking out the next improved item. We all seem to have a strong connection to stuff that we accumulate and of course of which we have sole ownership. Teaching our children to value what they have and to be less anxious about the next item to come along can be a difficult task.

Here are some thoughts to help in this area:

• Demonstrate how you are less possessive with your material things and happy to share with others.

• Perhaps you have prized old toys from your childhood. Talk about its value in travelling with you over the years.

• If you are a conscious recycler, it is wonderful to teach your children all about how waste items in the house are recycled. This is a great teaching tool about why we recycle plastics etc.

• From time to time, you may have clean outs in your child’s wardrobe. Talk about how they can be handed done to other children or sent to second hand shops to be reused. Hear it is all about developing in the child a desire to put new life into old items.

• When sorting toys, especially with younger children, talk about how much enjoyment the child has got from them and ensure your child takes ownership for the care and storage of their toys. Once children value their stuff they are more inclined to want to enjoy them for longer.

• Encouraging your child to play freely and use their imagination is a great way of relying less on toys.

• Suggest that they make their own items of play. This can be a fun way to enjoy the spirit of play without the stimulus of highly stimulating toys.

• We all have heard that having more makes us less interested in what we have, so teaching your child to reinvent their old toys into new forms of play can be a creative activity.

• Giving children exposure to the great outdoors and can be as simple as the backyard is opening up new avenues of play. Why not encourage toys to be taken into the garden, relocated into the bathroom when old or simply rearranged to create a new look for the toys. It’s all about being creative and teaching how material goods can take on new meaning.

• Your home is a perfect space to be showing the children how you manage the stuff that comes into your life. Your example when it comes to managing goods, collecting items etc., will have a strong influence on their developing perception of material goods. Especially how they are to be understood and managed.

• The curriculum in most schools does cover recycling, major environmental impacts etc. Your child will learn about environmental sustainability which will support and complement how you manage such matters in the home.

Finally, your home is a great space in which to teach children about the value of goods such as toys, and books. It is about making conscious efforts to awaken in the child an awareness that the old can be new again.

‘When you choose to collect EXPERIENCES rather than Things, you’ll never run out of storage space.’

                                                                       -Mum’s Little Explorer

The great potential of our children

School is such a great place for bringing out the best in children.

Each day teachers motivate, stimulate and drive children’s thirst for learning. They are experts at bringing out the best in the children as they know that within each child there is so much potential. The more they develop and ignite their gifts the greater learning will occur on so many levels.

How about home?

Do we recognise those great gifts and the potential of our children? Some potential is very obvious. If a child is good at Maths that is quite clear to everyone. However, there are many potentials that we need to bring out of our children and certainly, we need to recognise the more subtle potentiality that appears from time to time.

Here is a list upon which to reflect when highlighting and affirming potential gifts in our children:

Some of our child’s potential is very obvious. Some is not and we must recognise it and celebrate it.

• Notice how your child treats others. Do they demonstrate a well-developed style of treating others with kindness and understanding? This shows the development of compassion and sensitivity.

• Does your child have skill in engaging with all children and being inclusive in play? This is quite a gift and potentially shows leadership in a child. Great leaders are inclusive.

• Is your child well organised and likes to set goals? Such a gift shows the potential of being a well-balanced and self-disciplined person.

• Is your child a great listener to others? Such a gift leads to the potential of being an effective adult who listens with intent, patience and tolerance for other’s opinions.

• Does your child show patience in a special way? Oh, what a gift is developing here. Such potential leads to a well-balanced person, tolerant and wise.

• Is your child noticeably aware of others that are less advantaged? This shows that a child will potentially develop strong compassion and fairness in life.

These are some examples where your child can develop into a warm and caring person with substantial emotional maturity.

This article is about looking for the potential in your child to develop into a well-rounded human being. Think about all the subtle examples of your child’s behaviour to others and themselves.

To live to your full potential is all about using your gifts and greatness for the common good. Let’s encourage our children to see their potential as an opportunity to grow wisely and sensibly.

“Free the child’s potential and you will release them into the world.”

— Maria Montessori

Have you thought about designing a family Mission Statement?

This can be a great family activity and one which highlights all the gifts and treasures that you have as a family. Children are often very aware of developing mission statements as teachers often design one for their classroom at the commencement of each school year. It is more than a set of rules to work around, it is also about the values inherent in the class.

Basically, it is about writing down all the things that you know and value about your family. It is about what makes your family a unique group. It outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

All parties in the family take an active role in selecting aspects of family life that are special and familiar to you. It is a wonderful activity to do as a whole family and encourages everyone to reflect on what constitutes you as a unique family unit. Take time to work on this project. This lends itself to much discussion, reflection and negotiation.

Your Mission Statement could read something like this:

A family mission statement outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

• In our family, we love eating together and talking about our day.

• In our family, we enjoy playing together in the yard across the week.

•  As a family, we are open about our problems and listen to each other with understanding.

• As a family, we value each member as being important.

• As a family, we love to laugh together often.

• As a family, we value being active and enjoy the outdoors.

Notice that your Mission Statement will be all about the uniqueness of your family. You could call it a charter by which you desire to live.

Children love discussing what is important to them and invite your children to write this all down and when it is finished put it on the fridge for occasional reference. 

Given the isolation we are all experiencing at the moment, now is an excellent time to deepen your thinking on how your family operates. What are the strengths you have noticed over the past few weeks?

Mission Statements can be updated and altered to suit the changing nature of a growing family. In a school setting whilst a Mission Statement was constant in the room for the year, it was not uncommon to discuss how it could be improved, areas in which the class needed to improve and possible areas to develop. It is a great tool to simply discuss the shifting status of your family.

Children love that it is a constant, reliable component of the family values and something to live up to. It also encourages them to understand that families are all different and each has their own way of operating and connecting. It teaches them to reflect on honouring their family values and gives them a sense of pride and purpose.

Of course, by nature of being a child, mistakes happen. The Mission Statement gives you a vehicle to remind each other about what you value. It provides boundaries and acts as a positive incentive for all. When you refer to it always talk about the positive aspects that make it unique to yourselves. It is a proud family statement about who you are.

It is not a weapon in which to be disappointed in children when they let you down. It is simply a set of values that we work towards in a positive and happy way. It is a wonderful statement of family and the special dynamics that operate in that unit. Make it fun and engaging for all in putting it together. Make it enjoyable, easy to understand and above all attainable.

“The job of the mission statement is to articulate the essence of why the organisation exists.”

— Sam Frank