Helping your child with bullying matters
Is your child facing a bully at school or in other social settings? Read on for some sound strategies.
This a topic that can be very real for your child. Being in a school setting sets your child up to being exposed to many and varied situations. As a parent, it is best to notice changes in your child that may indicate being unsettled at school. The following ideas talk about how you can offer some preventative measures to avoid bullying. They will strengthen your child, enabling them to have more confidence when confronting a bullying situation.
Open Communication Channels:
Example: Create a safe and judgment-free space for your child to talk about their day and feelings. Ask open-ended questions like, "How was school today?" to encourage conversation. Don’t be surprised when they start talking about a difficult conversation.
Teach Empathy and Kindness:
Example: Model empathy and kindness at home and discuss the importance of treating others with respect. Share stories about acts of kindness or volunteer together as a family. Affirm effort of kindness when you see your children
Recognize Signs of Bullying:
Example: Be aware of behavioural changes in your child, such as mood swings, withdrawal, or a sudden loss of interest in school. Keep an eye out for unexplained injuries or damaged belongings.
Educate Your Child About Bullying:
Example: Talk to your child about what bullying is, its different forms (verbal, physical, cyberbullying), and why it's wrong. Encourage them to report any incidents to a trusted adult. Particularly their teacher.
Boost Self-Esteem and Resilience:
Example: Praise your child's strengths and accomplishments. Help them develop self-confidence and resilience by involving them in activities where they can excel and gain a sense of achievement.
Empower Your Child with Strategies:
Example: Teach your child strategies to handle bullying, such as assertive communication, seeking help from teachers or school counsellors, and the importance of having a support system of friends.
Be well connected to the school:
Example: Always speak regularly to your child’s teacher to gauge how socially well your child is coping. Often the teacher will pick up issues before you will notice a change in your child. Also the school will often run information nights on managing bullying issues.
Finally, every child, from time to time, will be challenged socially. Sometimes they can manage it, and other times we need to be able to offer some advice and assistance. Just remember that you are not about taking over the problem but assisting them in putting it right. Most importantly, it is to be a great listener and a parent who understands how to walk with them when working through these issues. They will thank you in later years for your strong presence.
‘Every child has the right to feel and be safe. As a parent make it happen’.
-Gail J Smith
Is bullying an issue for your child?
Bullying is a serious issue. Here's a few parenting tips on how to keep focused of the issue of bullying.
Sadly, this is an area that we are dealing with across all schools. From time-to-time, schools develop great policies that seem to work to protect the victim and to change the behaviour of the offender. However, they can break down and once a child feels the pressure of repeated bullying, it can become quite a consuming and damaging part of their life. In many cases it is not forgotten.
Of course, there is the argument that we need to toughen our children to the real world. I would agree with this, except bullying has an incredibly damaging impact on a child’s wellbeing, which can be lasting and have major impact on a child’s sense of self-worth. A child’s school performance will drop quickly if they lose their sense of personal confidence.
Here are a few ideas to keep you focused on the issue of bullying:
When chatting with your child, listen to any statements being made about feeling less interested in school. Of course, there are obvious signs such as bruising etc. but sometimes a child wants to simply not attend school because of the passive aggressive pressure being placed on them. Gently ask questions to establish why they have lost interest in school.
If you suspect some bullying, take care not to be too direct in questioning. That can sometimes scare them off. Also, they fear that your interference can make it worse. This is a big issue with children not disclosing bullying, if they think their parents will intervene and overreact.
‘You seem unhappy with school now. I wonder what makes you feels so sad?’ Ask gentle, general questions.
A child needs to feel that when they tell you about it, you are really listening and not just treating it lightly. When a child is bullied, they need reassurance and faith that their parents will take it seriously.
Of course, overreacting and wanting to solve the problem by approaching the bully yourself is not the answer. If your child thinks that you will deal with it that way, they are more inclined not to tell you. Take care not to be the person who solves the problem on your own. That behaviour does not make for a better parent.
Listen carefully and get an accurate picture of what is happening. Let them talk about their feelings and ask them to be specific about the bullying.
· Who is doing it?
· What are they actually doing to your child?
· How often does it happen?
· When and how does your child deal with it now?
Sometimes children can be vague about the bullying because they are anxious and feel interference will make it worse. Go gently and gain accurate and specific information. Try not to put thoughts in their mind that their behaviour has caused this to happen. However, try to learn what aggravates this behaviour.
Discuss the actions to take with your child. Give them strategies but also go straight to the school initially deal with the teacher and discuss how it will be handled. A Principal will most often refer this back to the teacher who understands more about the dynamics of their class.
Your child needs to be aware of all the actions that needs to be taken and what the school expects of them. Read their school policy on bullying very carefully. It will contain expectations on the part of the one bullying and the victim.
Ongoing discussion with your child will ensure that they know you are concerned and that no one rests until the bullying has stopped. Keep in regular touch with the school to ensure that the action has gone away. If still unsatisfied, talk to the Principal.
Discuss with your child how they are feeling and have they learnt any strategies to deal with such issues in the future. Whilst we all have strong feelings about consequences for the one bullying, we want our child to learn how to prevent further bullying occurring.
Keep in touch with the school to be satisfied that the issue of bullying is still being addressed. Bullying can transform itself in various ways and creep back without ongoing maintenance from the school and parents.
A child has a fundamental right to feel safe and to be treated fairly and respectfully. Schools and parents need to work together to ensure that emotional, intellectual, social and physical safety is a given at their school.
‘If children feel safe, they can take risks, ask questions, make mistakes, learn to trust and share their feelings and grow.’
-Alfie Kohn
Dealing with the put downs
Nobody likes being put down. Children especially can begin to see putdowns as something they deserve or an indication that they are not worthy to be given credibility. No matter how we avoid them they often come our way, subtly or more directly.
If a child takes an aggressive response to the put down, the problem can quickly escalate. When the child responds by passively giving in and not responding, they can build resentment and this behaviour does not stop the put downs from coming their way. The best response is for a child to be assertive, expressing themselves in a way that clearly tells the offender that their behaviour was unacceptable. This assertive way of responding does not put the other person down which further shows maturity on the part of the child being put down.
The best way to be assertive is to state it clearly.
“I am upset that you speak that way. I find it offensive.”
“I am disappointed in your words. They are quite hurtful.”
“I don’t like the way you talk to me. It’s quite inappropriate.”
These responses are about informing the offender that their words are offensive. In no way does it seek retribution, but it puts the offender on notice that their words were not to be tolerated.
It is also about looking the offender in the eye, being clear in your speech and showing confidence in the way you calmly rebuff their accusations. This is about developing emotional maturity which helps the child respond in ways that give them a sense of being in control. As the parent you can help your child show assertiveness by the following:
Give the example of being assertive yourself when you feel spoken to or treated poorly.
Teach your child to use the “I” statement. Get them to practise them….
“I am disappointed when…”
“I am unhappy when…”
“I do not like your behaviour when…”
Once the child becomes familiar with using this language, they have a quick and effective way of responding to the person putting them down. The more they use it, the stronger they feel.
Discuss times when you used assertive approaches in your life and how you felt afterwards.
From time to time tap in with them in relation to how they feel about themselves when others speak poorly to them. Sometimes frequent and subtle put downs can build up considerable feelings of being bullied. Ignoring put downs can also encourage the offender to keep on with the attack.
In a classroom, it is common practice that teachers will role model how to be assertive and encourage children to use language that works. Whilst still taking responsibility when they see a child bullying another, they will still teach the offended child to be assertive to prevent future attacks and to recognise when words used are unacceptable.
The teacher will also instruct the child using an “I” statement to state clearly the reasons for the upset.
“I am angry when you laugh at my new glasses.”
“I feel very upset when you laugh at my stutter.”
Teachers will also encourage children to recognise when a put down is unacceptable. Accepting and tolerating put downs requires a maturity to determine the intent.
However, should put downs become unmanageable then adult intervention should take place. Take care to know when this is necessary as prolonged and unmanaged putdowns can turn into severe bullying.
Finally, you the parent through your own experiences can model when a put down is not acceptable. Your understanding of your child’s sensitivity and emotional maturity should give you the guidance to teach them how to be assertive and in control at any age.
“Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”