A NIGHT TIME DISCOVERY
Do you just love chatting to your child at bedtime? There is something magical about being together and disclosing the stories of the day. This is a time when children feel safe and secure enough to chat to you intimately. One great way to invite your child to talk about the day is to simply say:
One great way to invite your child to talk about the day is to chat at bedtime.
“What made you happy today?”
Also another way to express the day is to ask:
“What made you feel good about yourself today?”
A simple, harmless invitation to talk about the day. It doesn’t focus on the negative at all. Often from the child will come their feelings of being happy but also they may chat about the incidence that didn’t make them feel so good in themselves.
This is a real listening time and doesn’t need to be a time of solving problems.
The invitation to just chat about the happy experiences makes the child relive positive feelings that reassure them. This is important before bed as it gives them a feeling of being safe with their thoughts. Of course having the reinforcement from the parent makes it all the better.
Sometimes you may find the child asking you the same question,
“What made you feel good today?”
This is a perfect time to talk about the values and experiences that enriched your life on that day.
The purpose of using night time to reflect positively on the day is an excellent way to teach children a little about positive psychology which is all about reinforcing the positive and diminishing the negative which acts as an obstacle to happiness.
When working with children at school they would often tell me that the most looked forward to time was talking to parents at bedtime. It was time to feel secure and happy within themselves. The presence of having a parent present gives them such emotional reassurance that all is well with the world.
A quick anger buster
Let's break through that quick anger!
Some children can be calm one moment and then without any understanding of what has actually happened, their mood can go from zero to ten. It can quite explosive and frustrating to understand as a parent.
Parents find this difficult to manage given that the behavior comes from an unknown source.
The first thing to understand is that when a child is highly emotive, their reasoning and ability to listen and respond to logic won't be present. Therefore, rationalizing won't work at that point. It is best to wait for a short time and when the child is calmer tell them.
“I get very unhappy when you get angry quickly”.
How do you break through your child's anger?
If the child is then able to tell you what the anger was about, follow with;
“When you have those feelings again, tell me and together we can work it out”. Ask them to give you a number from one to ten as to how they are feeling. This makes it easy for them to explain their frustration level.
It is always good to follow up at night before bed and talk about those angry feelings.
Sometimes instant anger is used as the child's language is not yet developed enough to respond to the situation with effect.
Teach the child that expressing feelings through language is a great way to let you know how they feel.
For example teach them that they can say:
I am angry because
I am sad because
I feel unhappy when
I am frightened when
Expressing emotions out loud actually starts the process of feeling better.
Sometimes having a feelings chart at home can help with younger children. I use it all the time to start conversations about feelings. Children actually look for the chart to start the conversation.
Another way to help is to write down some feeling words and put them around the house. The child could decorate the words and discuss them with you before they are placed on the fridge etc.
Invite them to use these words when feeling unsettled.
Getting the feelings out in the open starts the healing process.
Talking with care can become a lesson to the child around the school grounds
Have you ever felt uncomfortable when you hear gossip around the traps. This can be unfortunately a common feature in school car parks and quite unsettling. No surprises that you see teachers and Principals smiling and engaging with everyone first thing in the morning and after school. School communities can be an environment that occasionally breeds unfortunate talk around the school grounds.
A child will easily pick up the tone of a conversation and interpret it in their own way.
This article reminds us that often when we engage in conversation that has negative undertones and can include conversation around other people, the child will easily pick up the tone of the conversation and interpret it in their own way. They will be curious about your thoughts and beliefs around the discussion and sometimes they will carry this into the classroom and with their relationships.
Remember children value, want and actually expect your approval of their school environment. They become confused when they hear negative talk around their teacher, school mates, school community etc. Children struggle to understand the full context of what an adult conversation is about, especially if it is had incidentally, and so they may only hear aspects that unsettle them. I recommend that when talking amongst other families on school premises, take care to talk positively and to later reinforce to your child the positive aspects of your conversation.
If you are unsettled about any information or discussion the child has overheard, reassure them that you always seek clarification with the teacher or Principal. Keep in mind that the school occupies a very big part of the life of the child and it needs to be emotionally a safe place in which to work and play. They need to keep a stable disposition around school to gain the very best from their education on various levels, social, emotional and intellectual. A child needs to feel that a parent trusts all aspects of school life and that this is demonstrated by how the parents engages with the school over the year. Should unsettling conversations occur than a child understands the best approach that is taken by the parent is to be in touch with the school in which they have so much faith.
There are many lessons to be learnt in attending school and not all of them are in the classroom. One important lesson for our children is to understand how to be a community member and how to make positive connections to each other no matter how different or challenging they may be. They observe their parents as they model their behaviour around the school environment. The more a parent displays a positive disposition, especially when around negative conversation and engages with the school optimistically, the more trusting and confident the child will be when they come to engage with school in different ways.
“Being positive in a negative situation is not naïve.”
IT’S OK TO HAVE AN OPINION.
Are you the sort of person that is overwhelmed when strong personalities talk over you? This can be so frustrating. As we grow and develop on emotional, social, intellectual and physical levels we find our place in groups and especially in conversation with each other.
Some people become shy and timid, others develop more confidence in expressing themselves etc. The point here is that whatever the developing personality of your child, they need to find a space for their voice. The best place to start is the comfort of the family.
By this, I mean they need ongoing and regular opportunities to be heard and have the time to express themselves. Some families have special listening times at dinner. Of course bed time is another occasion.
A child needs to know that they have a voice which is valued and that people want to hear what they have to say. This is a right and if they develop feelings that they have opinions that are valued, they grow in self confidence.
This is about strengthening their emotional maturity. They hear conversations but recognise that in that conversation they can have opinions and offer comments.
They will always see models from their parents in terms of how they communicate with different groups.
When working with children, after listening carefully to their concerns it was quite common to include:
“So what do you think of that matter?”
“Do you think there is value in that idea?”
Giving a child the right to a voice gives them the understanding that they are valued. It also teaches them the art of conversation and develops their listening skills and improves literacy skills.
Here are some suggestions to give them a voice.
At dinnertime, bring up a topic and ask each child to talk about their thoughts and opinions on the subject. Some parents use simple news items of the day.
Ask your child to write down opinions on a topic. Put them into a box and at dinner read out everyone’s opinions and discuss.
Use the newspaper to discuss some issues asking your child to comment on the matter.
When the family talks about an issue, write opinions on a post-it-note and put on the fridge. This is an interesting way to discuss later as a family.
When watching a film together, stop along the way to ask opinions about some issue that has occurred in the film. This sparks conversation.
We are helping our child grow in confidence to use their voice effectively and to feel reassured that their opinion is important. It may not be the overarching opinion of everyone, but it has a legitimate place in conversation.
“Education begins the moment we see children as innately wise.
Only then can we play along in their world.”
Five suggestions on how to give your child a voice.
Short, sharp breaks make all the difference.
How much do we concentrate across the day?
In today’s fast moving world where technology drives so much of the pace in which we live, it is not surprising to hear that our concentration spans are reduced. Some put this down to technology and the social media that demands instant response. We are also aware that children do not learn in the same way that generations before them did and they do not need to stretch their brain, learning large slabs of information when so much information is available at their fingertips from google etc.
The changing face of how we process also suggests that concentrating for long periods of time is more difficult. Teachers are more aware of this and as such will plan lessons with regular short breaks. Sometimes this will include some physical exercise to create space from the previous activity and to refresh thinking after some exercise. It works!
Now think about home. Sometimes tensions rise. This can happen when playing games together, watching television, homework etc. As a parent we sometimes tend to react when the noise rises amongst siblings, other family members etc.
Consider being proactive and simply stopping the activity and all playing a game in the yard or propose some other option such as calling time out and asking children to have quite time in their room. It needn’t be for too long. It is simply about breaking the increasing tension.
In working with children who seemed highly anxious, it was common practice to change the environment in which we were working. Sometimes we would go for a walk in the school yard or check out the preps etc. It was about creating a circuit breaker which shifted a child’s focus thus reducing the tension.
This of course applies to parents. Once our anxieties rise, we need to regulate them by creating space for ourselves to alleviate the pressure. It is amazing how a few minutes away from the problem space can reduce our unhappy feelings to a level where we can control our behaviour more rationally.
“Taking time to do nothing
Often brings everything into perspective. ”
Take a breath and a break when anxiety rises. This will help to alleviate stress.
Watch out for the doubtful Thomas in your child
It is quite natural to doubt yourself. However, with children it is all about building their self confidence and capacity to have a go at whatever challenges them. This is an important part of parent’s work, to reassure our children that they are capable beings and can develop the skills to rise above fears and doubts. We help them in many ways by reassuring them and praising them when successful.
Whilst all of our encouragement is helpful and has value, it is also about giving children strategies to use when they feel doubtful. After all, we can reassure our child that they are capable but what is better is to teach them how to manage doubtful feelings once they recognise they have them.
When you own the responsibility of taking control of your own feelings, you are more successful at managing them. It also brings greater satisfaction in the long run.
When a child has doubts about their capabilities in some area remind them that doubtful feelings is normal and that there are several ways to get on top of those feelings.
Firstly, ask the child to openly talk about their doubt. This is about bringing it out in the open for discussion.
“I don’t think I can pass that test. It will be too hard.”
Ask them to give the doubt feeling a number out of ten. Then talk about times when the child has had success and passed similar tests.
Now set a goal that is attainable…for example:
“I will try to do my best so that I have had a go just like everybody else.”.
The goal is to get them to think about achieving part of the goal. After the test check in to see how the goal went and ask what number they would now give themselves in doubting themselves.
Another example is when a child thinks they cannot run well in a race.
What number do they give the doubt?
Set a small goal.
“I will try my best and just get to the end.”
It‘s all about setting small goals that help them begin to break down the doubt.
Always remember to check in after they have worked to their goal. This is the time to reflect on how successful they were in managing the doubt.
In working with children, it was quite common to discuss the degree of doubt they had and then set a small goal to chip away at the lack of confidence. It was always important to come back together and celebrate the child’s achievements, no matter how small.
Whilst we praise and reassure our children of their capabilities, the more we teach them to manage their doubts, the better equipped they are to cope independently.
“Successful people have fears.
Successful people have doubts and successful people have worries.
They just don’t let these feelings stop them.”
T Harv Eker.
It is quite natural to doubt yourself! However, with children it is all about building their self confidence
Australia Day… how does it all look for our children?
Gail Smith delves into the growing anxiety surrounding Australia Day within our community. How can we guide our children to comprehend diverse opinions and address the recurring concerns that arise each year? Explore valuable insights on navigating these discussions with your children.
There is no escaping the growing anxiety that Australia day presents for some in our community. The question is how do we help our children understand the varying opinions and how do we help them process the concern that is raised every year.
Firstly, consider that as a parent your opinion and interpretation of Australia Day will naturally influence or filter through to your child. There is nothing wrong with this as we are significant models of all our values and beliefs during their childhood. What is helpful is to support the child’s awareness of the controversy in a range of ways so that they come to understand that different opinions have value and should be respected and considered.
They are more inclined to respect your opinion as they grow older if you present it fairly, unemotionally and with respect to the other side of the debate. This is what they will remember when they come to debate important issues later in life.
It is well regarded that more conversation and listening to the other party can lead to your changing your opinion, compromising your opinion or simply being doubly certain about your opinion. Whatever direction you take, engaging in healthy debate is what you are teaching your child.
Initially, I would recommend talking to them about the celebration as an historical arrangement that celebrated the landing of the first fleet in Sydney. This is worthy of discussion and can bring up many questions about how it came to be. It would be also timely at this point to mention that the indigenous people felt invaded and have been upset that we celebrate such a day each year on 26th January.
Of course consider the age of the child to determine the depth of conversation.
Start a conversation about how the values of both parties are conflicted and we are now as a society debating where to go next with this controversial issue.
It could be a great family discussion to have especially with older children as they will have ideas and developing values that should be heard.
Listen carefully to their thoughts, if you have solid information to give them, do it but try not to include too much personal opinion. Allow them to come up with ideas that could be positive for the future. Remember you are developing their awareness of being citizens with valid opinions.
Always provide accurate information when discussing the debate. Keep emotion out of the discussion and affirm their thoughts as they begin to look at it from their developing perspective.
“It seems to me that you are thinking about how the aboriginals felt and also see the arrival of the ship as the beginning of a new era. Well done.”
Their understandings and beliefs will of course wax and wane as they grow and their knowledge of the debate will continue to evolve as they gather more information.
What you are doing is supporting their right to be part of a conversation that is very much a national matter and one that will continue to be raised over the coming years. Their encouragement to be part of the debate also gives them some ownership of what will be an important issue as they become adults.
Are you sure your child knows what you are saying?
Some might just say it is all in the interpretation. Often when we have conversations with our children, we naturally presume that they fully understand and grasp the concepts that are being discussed. Younger children, especially preschoolers may only hear part of what you had to say as they will process some of the conversation but not necessarily all of the conversation.
Older children may still struggle to hear and process all of what you have to say to them. This will most definitely be the case if you are angry or disappointed and talk to them in a frustrated way.
When teachers talk to children about some concern they may have, they receive a better response when they speak slowly and only cover one or two concepts. Long protracted sentences will not be internalised by the child.
In working with children, it was very apparent that I carefully spoke in simple and short sentences.
“I would like to talk to you about......”
It was then that you mention the issue but only one or two facts at a time.
“When the incident happened you got very angry”
“When you were angry you ......”
When you listen to what they say, take care not to then barrage them with too much detail. Simply talk about the matter at hand.
When working with children through problems, it was common to first ensure that they were listening and not too anxious. Anxiety is such an emotional blocker and the child will simply shut down.
The following tips are to help parents when they need to talk about issues with their child:
Use shorter sentences to describe the issue.
Remember to listen as soon as you have expressed your concern.
Allow silence to happen between conversations with the child. This is their way of processing.
Be empathetic to their listening skills understanding that they may not have interpreted your concerns at first.
Repeating the concern is fine but it should be done gently and with no frustration in the voice.
Remember that younger children will need simple sentences with the language being used easily understandable for them.
Language used by you should not be emotive. Do not use emotive words such as silly, stupid, dumb in your sentences as they will focus on those words and often ignore the content of what you are saying.
A child can shut down in various ways. Some simply get angry and reactive. Some go silent. Some appear to ignore the conversation. When the shut down occurs, check in that the child understood what you actually had to say, rather than becoming angry that they did not respond. Becoming angry only escalates the issue of the child not hearing what you have to say.
This article is about ensuring that when you talk to your child about a matter that needs discussion, you are reassured that they understood what you had to say.
Often you hear parents say:
“ my child never listens to me”.
I often heard from a child:
“I don't know what mum wants from me.”
Take care to be simple and clear in how you talk to your child. Less words said well can often be more effective.
“ But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought”
“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought” ~George Orwell 1984
How to build a child’s strengths.
Let’s face it, the more we feel stronger and confident in ourselves, the greater capacity we have to be successful and most importantly, like ourselves.
The best way to have success is to recognise that we do have strengths and that these are special highlights of our ability to cope. We also have low-lights that we need to work on. Recognising our low-lights should be seen as growth curves where we need to keep on working towards improvement.
For a child, dealing with emotions, regulating emotions is hard work. It is always best to start by focusing on strengths that are visible, repetitive and which give the child a feeling of success. This could be anything from being able to pack up their toys at an early age, through to having an aptitude for Maths.
The best way to affirm is to acknowledge the actual presence of strength in what they do or say.
For example:
“I really like the way you write in your book. You have a neat and very attractive style of writing. This shows me how skilled you are in this area.”
Notice that the emphasis is on being specific in relation to the skill that you have noticed. When it is repeated:
“Once again you show me how well you can write. I will ask you to write down the grocery list. This will be a help to me.”
It is also about utilising the skill and demonstrating how such a skill can cross over and be useful on different levels. This teaches the child that they have very capable skills which impact on others.
“You tidy the toys so well. I hope you will help me tidy my room it is such a mess”.
By giving them the awareness that their strengths are useful, they will begin to develop stronger relationships and will find their own application for their skills.
Whilst working with one child, who lacked some personal confidence, especially in school work, we all recognised how strong he was in sport. He was asked to help the younger children develop their games and this gave him personal pride and led to his improved overall self esteem.
Strengths are a wonderful building block upon which children grow on so many levels not the least of which is self awareness. The more self aware we become, the greater capacity we have to manage and value our strengths. It also helps us put our vulnerabilities in a better, more manageable perspective.
The best way to affirm your child’s strength is to acknowledge the actual presence of strength in what they do or say.
What time is the right time?
Choosing the right time of day makes all the difference in the world to planned activities with your child. As a counselor, I would choose to work with children in a morning session as opposed to the afternoon as children are more retentive and certainly more receptive to what you have to say. Their listening skills are much more responsive. They are less reactive to issues and can process at a calmer level. In a classroom setting, teachers are very aware that the more serious learning will be happening in the morning block and not the afternoon after children have eaten, played etc.
A lot of emotion comes into the afternoon especially if play, did not provide a successful outcome. Often activities provided in the afternoon in a classroom are shorter, require less focus and teachers set less expectation for their students.
If you are planning a special time with your child, such as a visit to the zoo, museum, special visit to a friend etc. I recommend planning for the morning block. In this way, the child will be more attentive and their listening skills much higher.
It sounds simple but if you want a quality experience from the activity or simply want a better response from your child, try morning blocks where possible.
Chose the right time for a meaningful activity with your child.
Let’s look at developing real independence in our children
The world today is a cautious place and there are very sound reasons why we need to consider how best to keep our children safe and away from harm’s door. Having said that, it is also vital that the child learns to be independent and starts from an early age to resolve matters for themselves.
In my work as a Principal, I was very aware that children these days lack resilience and this reflects how society in its determination to keep children safe, over nurture and choose to make decisions for children to secure the right outcome.
My observation and work with children also led me to recognise that independent children, actually learnt fast, took risks and thought about matters in a more open ended way. They were children who felt comfortable in their own skin, happier in themselves generally and showed an inner confidence and emotional maturity that paid off for them in many ways.
How do we feel satisfied as a parent that we are keeping them safe, but actually letting them come out from their cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly.
I recommend providing slow and progressive opportunities to show independence. This can start as early as the sandpit where they need to clean it up to make it safe and clean to use.
There are many occasions in the home environment where a child can show and develop independence. The kitchen is a prime example. Are they responsible for taking out rubbish out? Do they choose the décor for their room?
Giving our children a range of domestic responsibilities is a great start. We can overtime move into more areas where independence can grow.
Homework is a classic example. If they choose not to complete it, the teacher will deal with providing consequences. Are they able to be dropped off at the corner with friends and walk to school? There are many examples and in most cases children feel so successful when they take a leap of independence.
Of course the independence they especially enjoy is when they are given personal freedom. By negotiating with your child, this is all possible. As the child gets a little older, with gradual support in being independent, you also begin to have more confidence in their ability to cope. This feeds into their overall awareness that you trust them.
It is best to remember that in order to make our children safe, they need to be aware and in tune with what is around them. This only comes from personal experience on their own part. When we over nurture, a child switches off their accountability button and learns little about how to understand the world. Such delayed maturity is a dangerous thing as children get older.
Keeping them safe is to set them free gradually. If a child is aware that you value and trust that next independent step which they aim to take, you build strong bonds which are lasting.
“I never teach my pupils, I only provide the conditions in which they can learn.”
If a child is aware that you value and trust that next independent step which they aim to take, you build strong bonds which are lasting.
Siblings can get in the way of each other
Do you remember your childhood with your own siblings? Now think about how your parents managed the differences and the rivalry if it so happened. Did your childhood relationship with your siblings impact on your relationship with them now as an adult?
This can be a tricky issue for parents and much depends on a range of factors. Such factors could be the age difference between children, the personalities of each child and of course the feelings of security that each child carries about themselves and their relationship with their parents.
I have a long held belief, that in the primary years all children want and need personal time with their parents. In every child, they crave to be an only child for a while, where they are the centre of attention and that parents' eyes are only on them.
However, children in families have the opportunity at an early age to learn about cooperation, patience, collaboration etc. They grow up in an environment of many voices. That is their norm. They often learn on the run and it will involve all the ins and outs of growing up with siblings that are themselves going through their own childhood with all its own joys, nightmares etc.
Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.
The following ways may be helpful:
Remember that all children, no matter what age are entitled to a voice in the family.
Meal time with everyone is an excellent opportunity to share experiences and actually learn to listen to each other.
If one child feels under the weather with their siblings find some personal time with them. Take them out of school for an afternoon and just chat focusing on them and their needs.
Remember that they are all individual and some will have skills and talents that are more vocal and obvious than others. Take care to highlight everyone's talents and not just the one that is the loudest.
Play games together as a family. Great skills are learnt from playing together. This can also be as simple as doing group activities together such as camping, cooking etc.
Take care that when children disagree with each other, as the parent, you do not become involved, but have rules with regard to how disputes between each other should be managed. If a child asks you to intervene, clear guidelines need to be established, so that your involvement is understood as a mentor and mediator.
Keep an eye on how often you specifically talk to each child. The quieter ones can disappear into themselves when family conversations occur and this can be habit forming.
One family I knew had developed a tradition that on each child's birthday they would have a special treat just with the child and the parents. This worked well for them and everyone in the family understood the purpose. They discussed as a family that it was about their special relationship with that child. It worked well for that family. Perhaps developing your own family tradition of how you celebrate each child once a year could be developed. This would be a wonderful project for the whole family, to decide on how to celebrate each other respecting and valuing their individuality by all.
Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.
Enjoying the moment with your child
How time passes when we simply don't notice the uniqueness of our child, the journey of their growth or their shift from childhood into adolescence, from adolescence into adulthood. This article merely touches on the value of stopping to smell the roses and enjoy the moment with the child.
We are very explicit with our families in terms of the things that we want to pay attention to and these are often around functional and aspirational things. For example, achieving at school, playing sport, doing homework etc. We are all keen to put emphasis on very typical aspects of our life which are common in many families. We expect to be attentive and reflective around such important issues.
What is unique are the individual moments to be shared with your child as they develop over the years. For example, if you bike ride with your child, stop for a minute and reflect on how joyous that experience is for all of you. When you sing a song together, set the kitchen table together, watch a humorous movie together, these are all times to reflect on that special moment that is a snap shot of your life together. It is difficult for parents with young children to imagine their child older, more independent. Time passes and this comes around quicker than we can imagine. Ask any parent whose last child is leaving primary school! A great way of understanding the preciousness of the moment is to look back on photos. Here we easily stop and reflect on that scene and contemplate how things have changed.
We cannot suspend time, but there is some evidence that time accelerates in our mind when everything is going well. Try to simply take some time to enjoy the moment whether it be watching your child in a classroom, sports field, play ground etc and reflect on the joy of that moment. Being more in harmony with the uniqueness of the present moment makes for a calmer disposition all round.
Here are a few thoughts to get you in a reflective mindset.
Take a big breath and just look around.
Look for the lighter side of the moment.
Tell yourself why this is special.
Pretend you are snapping a photo of that moment and remind yourself why?
“If you are always racing to the next moment, what happens to the one you are in?”
Getting the most out of time together
As parents we work hard to give our children fulfilling experiences. However, I challenge you to go outside the norm and give everyone in the family an exceptional and challenging experience. This is the stuff that makes for future stories and great memories when you take yourself out of the ordinary and into the unknown. For example, how about an adventurous and challenging hike?
If you are a family that has a focus on one sport activity, put it aside for a while and do something quite different.
I always remember the reaction when I put to the school parents that we would take our seniors to Canberra for the first time. The anticipation, the anxiety of some parents was high, but what an adventure we all had. I can honestly say I don’t remember much of other school camps over the years. However, this took us well out of our comfort zones. I know that the children still have fond memories including staff and that was several years ago.
Consider the adventure and challenge in your plan. There is often a much greater need to depend on each other in more demanding circumstances and this leads to stronger bonds between family members.
Why not simply talk about it as a family and together plan something that will literally present some challenges, create new experiences and bring you all into new territory together.
As a family when our children were teenagers, we charted a yacht and sailed around Tahiti. This was a little scary but it still is a source of much conversation and enjoyment when reliving the occasion.
In order to strengthen bonds in family, it is worthwhile considering some new experience that requires developing new skills. Plan it together. The more the children are involved in the organising, the better for all. It can even raise anxiety a little but ultimately it is a shared experience unique to you as a family.
“FAMILY…
We may not have it all together
But together we have it all.”
Create new experiences that bring your family into new territory together.
What’s in a smile?
There is much to be said for a smile. Mother Theresa was known to say, “Love begins with a smile”.
Our body language often speaks to a child more than words. How we communicate is not just through speech but also through our physical demeanour and especially the expressions on our face, volume of voice and the tone of voice. A child is keen to read all messages that you give them. Especially, if there are concerns or wants, behavioural issues etc.
We hear quite a lot about mindfulness and the value of remaining calm and steady in crisis, however difficult this may seem. It is actually true. The calmer and more in control you are, the more likely a child will relate to you over matters that are more significant.
Of course, the human condition sometimes makes it difficult not to express feelings that are quite obvious. We all get tired and reactive at times. Generally, children sense when our capacity to cope is down.
When working with children, I would notice how quickly they would switch off if I appeared unsettled or changed the way I normally reacted to situations. They were excellent at reading the signs. Therefore, I needed to recognise in myself when I was not ready to chat to children and find the time to listen. They would also tell me that they would carefully read their parent’s body language before talking to them about matters that troubled them.
If a child feels secure in our presence and the body language that we use around them is consistent, warm and inviting, they will invite us into their world.
The tone of our voice, how we stand and listen, where we situate ourselves when talking, how we use our hands, the space we take in chatting, all of these are body language signs which send messages to a child. Remember, the physical difference between you and a small child. Try and sit when discussing matters to give them more security. Use warm eye contact and keep the voice calm and steady. All of these behaviours reassures a child that the lights are green and chatting is worthwhile.
Consider the following:
If you feel that you cannot remain calm and steady then delay talking to your child over a matter to be discussed.
Let your child know if you would prefer to talk at another time when you felt more relaxed or less distracted.
Keep steady and avoid doing other tasks while talking. Be present for that moment.
Ensure that when you are chatting choose a place that will not distract you from staying focused.
Your regular modelling of being consistent when talking to people is noticed by your child.
As with positive modelling in body language, ensure you use positive talk while engaging in conversation.
Learn from being positive with body language and notice your own improvements with each occasion.
Smile a lot. A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.
“Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm”
A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.
Take care to always tell the truth. It does set our children free.
As parents we are all about protecting our children in many forms. They are our responsibility on so many levels and this includes protecting them emotionally as well as physically, socially and intellectually. At an early age, they are totally dependent on us which gives our role a stronger dimension. We are always on the look out to ensure that they are surrounded by love and total care. How wonderful is that! How accountable that makes us!
In protecting our children we should be also preparing them for the real world and with this may come some disappointments and sorrows. What can easily happen is that a parent may tell a small lie to protect their child from some impending issue or harm. This is passively disadvantaging the child who needs and deserves to hear the truth. They rely on your truth to understand the world and to feel secure in it. If they are uncertain that you are not sharing the truth, they may go to other less refutable sources to seek out information. Do they want to do this? The answer is clearly no. They want the truth from you, the parent.
This article is reminding us that by gently disclosing truth you are bringing your child into the real world, you are telling them that I respect your right to know the truth and I will give it to you in a way that is suitable for your age and appropriate for your understanding. Children who are suddenly thrust into critical truths such as death and divorce in a family have no choice but to grapple with it often in a complicated way.
The more we talk to our children in a way that always discloses the truth, will give them the credibility of being able to grow emotionally through many issues.
In working with children, they would often say that mum or dad has not told them about something as they did not want to upset them. You would be surprised how aware they are of watered down truths. This is dangerous as the child begins to develop anxiety around all sorts of possibilities.
Here are a few tips in setting the groundwork to talk about matters that disclose the truth which can be uncomfortable.
Lead into a conversation well prepared. Choose the time carefully
“I would like to talk to you about... as it has been a difficult problem”
Tell the story gently and calmly, not over dramatically.
Give the child time to absorb what you had to say.
They will ask questions and this is a time to carefully outline the situation with sensitivity to their age.
After telling them the situation, check in that they understood what you were telling them.
Reassure them that the matter is being dealt with and as time goes you will talk to them about related matters.
Using simple truths is ultimately better. For example:
“You can't have sweets as it is dinner time soon”.
This is more realistic then saying:
“you can't have sweets as your teeth will go bad.”
The first statement is real and genuine.
Children deserve the truth and if a responsible parent capably and sensitively presents the truth to the child, the child feels secure and reassured and will return to the correct source, 'the parent' and ask questions with more confidence.
Children who are aware that they will not receive a practical answer, often stop asking questions. They learn the habit of not asking as they have little confidence in the response.
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything”
If children think that you are not sharing the truth, they may go to other less refutable sources to seek out information.
What is really the truth for a child?
Let's refer to our younger children, preschoolers and possibly up to ten years of age. A concern parents sometimes have is finding the truth from tricky situations that usually end up in tears etc.
When a child is under pressure and feels some anxiety in explaining a situation which could lead them into trouble and no doubt prove their guilt, it is not uncommon that they can fantasise situations to avoid the truth. To me, this is not actually lying but is the child's mind finding a coping mechanism to ensure that the child's anxieties stop rising. This is sometimes hard for parents to accept, especially if the truth is very obvious. Sometimes, with older children, they will focus on the blame and shaming of others involved or those that caused them to do the wrong thing. This is displacement and yet another way of coping by not telling the truth and once again reducing their anxiety levels.
Of course a vicious cycle then can switch into action. The parents becomes angrier and more frustrated and so the child recognising the heightened level of stress will hold on to their fantasy to save their emotional state. Sometimes they simply become silent which further frustrates parents.
Let's look at this another way. If we want the truth, we need to set up an environment that not only encourages the truth, but also affirms and celebrates the child's ability to speak the truth.
Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed.
When a child says the truth even over incidental and less emotive reasons affirm them.
“Thanks for telling the truth about the spilt milk. I know that you understand how slippery and dangerous it can be on the floor”. In other words, you recognise that telling the truth improved the situation.
As a family talk about how telling the truth is important to you. Talk about people you know and value that always tell the truth. Are they well respected?
Sometimes children's movies have elements around telling the truth. If watching one, highlight the advantages in speaking the truth.
When an incident occurs watch your body language. If you appear hostile and anxious to know the truth, you may not get it as emotional barriers quickly rise in the child. Talk about a time perhaps as a child yourself where you found it difficult to tell the truth. How did you feel afterwards when it was all over?
If a child does fantasise the truth, do not be critical of their story but rather indicate that you have listened and you are still needing to find the true reason.
“I hear what you have told me. I am feeling upset that I need other information about what has happened and I hope you can help me.”
When the truth is given, remember that forgiveness and moving on are very important.
Your unconditional love for your child is clear when you can move on from the problem, especially when they have been truthful.
In working with children, especially those that sadly were sent to me for some unacceptable behaviour, I would begin by saying:
“I am hoping you can help me find out about the incident as I need to help everyone concerned”.
This is being proactive. It then put the child in a less vulnerable situation and shifted the guilt to the centre of the problem. Once the child admitted their involvement, it was a matter of thanking them for their honesty before dealing with the overall problem. This comfortably led them to be honest with some credibility for being truthful.
Maintaining a child's dignity is important throughout this whole exercise.
Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed.
Take care with incidental language
One of the most powerful ways we influence our children is the language we use when we talk to them on a regular basis. We may do many things for our children but how we use our language is critical in how they understand out intent and how they recognise their role through your words.
This article is about how we speak incidentally and its impact on our children. It is about developing awareness that sometimes in just having a general conversation, we can make a negative statement about our child, it can be a put down and no surprises when we get a negative response.
“John, let me carry that over to the bench. It's too heavy for you.”
“Do your homework in that room, it is a silly thing to do it near the television.”
In both these statements we refer to their competency level.
Better to say something like:
“John I'll carry that over to the bench. Thanks for your help.”
“You can do your homework in a room where there is less noise”
It is of course necessary to get your message across, but care must be taken that a “put down” is not incidentally and without intent, included in the language. We can do this very effectively without being aware of its destructiveness or the regularity with which we say it.
We can develop patterns where a child's vulnerable side is mentioned quite often.
“You are not big enough to help mum. When you're older you can help.”
We need to take care, as this habit can spread to other members of the family who pick up the intent and run with it themselves. Sometimes the order of the family can be a factor here.
When working with children, they would mention the perception that the family had of them at home. This would affect their own self perception and in some cases how they acted out with others.
Remember, that no matter what order your child is in the family, they are unique with age and size capabilities should all be seen as special and not inadequate. Incidentally referring to a vulnerability can become a habit and it will stick especially with the rest of the family.
“Jenny you know how clumsy you are, be careful when you carry that plate!”
Try saying:
“Jenny thanks for taking the plate. Take care.”
The outcome here is likely to be more successful or at least there is no incidental labelling.
It's all in the words.
“People may hear your words but they feel your attitude”
It’s all in the words
What about regret?
Can we think about our childhood for a moment and some of the regrets we may carry with us? Perhaps those regrets may include occasions we missed with our parents. Of course parenting in each generation is different and we need to remember that what was relevant for one generation may not be the same for the next generation. Still, we probably remember and have some grief about lost opportunities
This article is just reminding us that the time we have with our children is precious, short and remarkable. Their growth and frequent changes physically, socially, intellectually and emotionally surprise us all. Without sounding too grim, we can easily miss precious moments often those spontaneous moments that give parents so much joy. That special moment when they start to talk or develop cute expressions or play sport for the first time in a team. How about when they show you their first tooth coming loose and the excitement when they have a birthday. Our whole journey with them consists of moments in time and despite how busy we are we should try and have a strong presence in their life so that as a parent you gain the pleasure and satisfaction of parenting which you deserve.
As a school Principal, talking to a parents, it was not uncommon to hear parents expressing regret around missed opportunities with their children. Whilst I hear you say, I can't be there for everything, I would say that the child values the effort made. If they see how you value being strongly present in their life, they are very content. A child recognises and values your spirit of determination and desire to share their journey. That is what remains with them over time.
After all this is part of your journey as well as the child. Your life changed the minute your child was born and your presence in their life is so intrinsically bound together. You will never be the same after the birth of your child. I am not talking here about your commitment and responsibility to your child, most parents understand and take that seriously. I am referring to your natural desire to continue sharing their life in many different ways. They will naturally fuel your emotional stability, demonstrate such powerful things such as unconditional love and give you many opportunities to simply stop and smell the roses. We learn in so many varied ways from our children's journey. This is how we grow emotionally as well.
Talk to anyone who has teenagers and they will easily tell you how their child's early childhood went too quickly. They question if they missed important milestones and they sense some grief with the loss of those early delightful years when they were so dependent on you.
No regrets if you as the parent, plan to have a strong presence in their life, capturing in your mind and heart those special snapshot moments. Whilst our jobs and external roles are important, they will pass and be forgotten in the schema of time. Not so when it comes to those deep, happy and unique memories of sharing your child's special moments in their journey. No regrets PLEASE.
“To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.”
Do you regret time missed with your children?
Nine parenting tips to make life easier and enjoy your children
Consider just how busy you are on so many levels. You want to get the very best from your relationship with your child but sometimes struggle to enjoy the experience due to family pressure, work or tiredness. As parents the time flies quickly and before you know it, our three year old has turned five and then eight and so it goes quickly. Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time. All these feelings that you have as a busy parent are quite normal and I would add healthy as you reflect on the values of your child and the preciousness of them growing up quickly.
Over the years I have observed many families' habits in designing family structures to find time with children. I have also experienced my own journey in finding ways to spend more time with the children.
Here are some thoughts on how to remain sane and enjoy your child even though the clock ticks so fast.
Slow down. This may seem impossible but try and find some aspects of the week where you can reduce or slow down some activities. If you look at the week ahead you may find activities that could be pushed to the next week or simply taken out. The more you reduce the business, the more space you will find for your child.
Start uncluttering. Even keeping the house a little simpler can reduce your workload and you may notice your child more often. The Swedish are very good at keeping things simple. Just consider Ikea!
Set up a chart with a 'tune in' date included each week where you simply spend time with your child. If you have several children, perhaps this can be done over several weeks.
Always check in with yourself each week to establish how you have engaged with your child that particular week. Have you had sound conversation, laughter together, cuddles, positive talk etc? This helps us to catch up if we have neglected some personal time with our child.
Reading to a child at night is wonderful for spending quality time together. With a larger family, try reading to them all once or twice a week. Choose a novel that they can enjoy together.
If you have family routines like walking the dog, gardening etc. try to include your child in that activity. This is a wonderful time to share together. Just simply hanging washing on the line is a great shared time to talk.
If you had a busy week and not made much personal time to talk, write a note to your child and leave it under their pillow, in their lunch box etc. Little surprises like this can enliven your experiences together.
Ask the child to list times when they think you can connect together. You will be surprised the array of ideas that a child will present.
Find a special interest that just you and your child share together. I know of one family who has a special jigsaw puzzle set up on a table that only dad and the child work on together.
In working with families, I noticed that parents who reflected on their child's development were more inclined to feel the loss of connection when they did not spend quality time with them.
This is about reducing regret for missed opportunities but rather capitalising on occasions, modifying your routines etc. to find precious time with your child.
“If you want your child to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them. And half as much money.”
Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time.