Using our language well
The use of good language is critical to a child’s communication development. Learn about how effective language can make a difference for your child.
One of our greatest gifts is the power of speech. It starts from birth with simple sounds and some not so little. As we develop language, we listen and learn about what is said around us. Even intonations are often picked up from family connections and familiarity with people. Language can be used for good and sadly for evil. We teach our children how to use language from our own way of communicating and how we send messages to others.
When we use language effectively, there is so much more to gain and in its own right, it carries more power than blustering through conversations that are reliant on aggressive expression.
Let us think about how effective language can make a difference for your child:
When you speak calmly and without raising your voice, people will listen with more sincerity. Louder more aggressive tones are often ignored or overrode by people who can become anxious with what is said.
When you speak, stop and think. Just a little thought about what you have to say can make such a difference in the way you express yourself to others.
When responding, keep a positive tone. Throw in a little affirmation and reassurance sometimes. ‘Thanks for the lunch. I really enjoyed my time with you.’
Use words that are not harmful at all times. There are ways of expressing your displeasure, but be careful, using words that label will stick.
Every now and again check your vocabulary. Can you increase it and find words that are more enriching when explaining situations to others?
I have always said fewer words are better. This is true, especially if what you have to say is about something negative. Say it and move on. Repeating it does not give it extra merit.
Children always look for reassurance in your words. Keep a mental check of how you are speaking to them and build positive thoughts about your children. Everyone loves to hear something nice about themselves.
Remember the ‘I’ statements. ‘I am angry that you broke the vase. That was my favourite gift from my aunty’. When angry, an ‘I’ statement with a logical reason behind it is more effective than using poor language and just being angry.
Play games like scrabble. They increase your vocabulary and teach your children the benefits of having a broad range of words as back up.
Remember, when speaking, talk at a pace and a level of hearing that works for your child. Talking too fast may mean that they do not hear or listen to what you say. Choose a pace and volume that works.
Do not use an aggressive voice when dealing with children. Hostility can be picked up from the voice and this can very easily intimidate and overwhelm your child.
When your child speaks, become a good listener. Try not to interrupt. They need to express their thoughts in complete sentences and with time to reflect. Jumping in quickly undermines their voice.
Practise expressing your words clearly. Avoid abbreviations and take your time saying what you need to say. Your child is learning from you, the art of speaking well.
Monitor your body language when speaking. A lot can be said from poor body language.
Try to focus when talking and not drift away onto other topics. Children will listen more if you talk about what is important and nothing more. Idol chatter is seldom heard.
Speaking can use empathy and other essential emotions that are important in building relations with children. Use these motions wisely and not for manipulative purposes.
Speaking well to children helps them shape their emotional development and builds relationships with others, A child who is spoken to with dignity and respect learns to like and value themselves.
If children are surrounded by good language, their literacy skills improve immensely and their confidence in using good language grows. Such growth feeds into their self-esteem and the child feels able-bodied in independently talking about things that matter to them. A confident, well-spoken child is a joy to behold.
Finally, a parent who uses language as a skill that will give their child a better chance in life is a wise parent.
‘The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.’
-Ludwig Wittgenstein
The use of good language around our children
The use of great language is so important. Here are a few parenting suggestions to help expand your child’s vocabulary.
One of the greatest tools we have in working and supporting our children is our language. It is such a powerful tool that can change relationships, build stronger relationships and can strengthen personal self-esteem. As a parent, you have the opportunity to encourage good language and to teach your child that using the very best language is a very empowering part of life.
As a child grows, their language will gradually increase and with your assistance, it can reach new heights. This means that as a parent when you speak to your child, you can gradually increase vocabulary that they will learn and enjoy using. Let them experiment with new words. It’s fun!- For example, try replacing words like ‘nice’ with more descriptive adjectives. This highlights your conversation more sharply and your child learns to use better words that describe a situation better.
In some classrooms, I have seen teachers leave a column on the board where they build on vocabulary across the week. It is amazing how it catches on and children start using more interesting language and this takes them up a notch in feeling self-assured. People notice when a child demonstrates good articulation.
Another great trick teachers use is to invite children to build a vocabulary bank and use those words in their writing. All strategies help.
Teachers would sometimes introduce a new word for the day and children had to find ways of using that word in their work and conversation.
Here are some ideas that can support your work in building a child’s vocabulary:
Instead of playing ‘I spy’ in the car, try playing ‘I spy something that is……….’ and use interesting vocab to describe it.
Some families set up a vocab bank on their fridge where words are added that are interesting throughout the week.
When you are describing something to your child, think about the words you are using and occasionally throw in a new word.
‘I bought some croissants. They smell so delicious and fresh.’
When reading to your child, talk about some of the words used to describe situations, people etc. Invite them to think of other descriptive words for the characters.
When your child writes a story, challenge them to introduce one or two new words that make the story more interesting.
Playing around with google can be interesting where you can show your child the various words that can replace just one word.
A game such as scrabble can be fun as you are exposing your child to new words.
Play word games. There are many available in game stores and these can also provide hours of entertainment.
Remember that learning new creative words should be fun and spontaneous. The more the child relaxes and experiments with words the greater confidence they will gain in using them both in speech and in writing.
Reading books is a natural way of increasing one’s vocabulary. Leave plenty of books around at home for the children to pick up.
Increasing one’s ability to express themselves well will naturally present an attractive manner to others and who knows where and with whom it takes you.
‘Words are in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic.’
-J K Rowling’s character, Dumbledore
The words we choose to use.
How we speak to our children is long-lasting. Read here for some thoughts on how to manage ourselves in using effective communication with children.
When you think about your impact on the world and most specially your children, consider that what you say delivers important messages and sends out clear vibes to all within earshot.
According to a very early philosopher, Horace 65-8BC
“words once spoken can never be revoked”
Sounds harsh and yes, we all make mistakes in how and what we say from time to time, but the impact can be great and the words lasting, if hurtful. Children are particularly sensitised to the words we use when we talk to them. Careless speech can have a longer-term memory with children. Name calling is taken to heart and can come under the banner of emotional bullying.
Teachers know all so well that the words they use around children will have an impact on teaching them. They realise very early in their career that their use of language can make or break a child’s interest in learning.
Here are some thoughts on how to manage ourselves in using effective speak around our children.
It is often said to have your mind well ahead of your mouth. By reflecting on what we are about to say, we can choose our words carefully, which do no harm, but deliver a good message. Some say stop and think before speaking. A small moment of thought can also slow down any quick temper we may have, which can influence how and what we say.
Watch the tiredness. When we are feeling tired, we are less likely to speak well, but rather more focussed on just getting the message across. Consider if you are tired is it necessary to have an in-depth conversation with your child? Sometimes it is best to wait. Silence can be very effective at times. It allows some mental breathing space.
Using words well can do an amazing amount of good with our children. They often hang on our words and listen carefully for the intent. The more we speak affectionately using a positive tone of voice, they feel reassured and valued. Never fall into the trap of thinking a louder, sterner voice has more impact. It in fact shuts people down from listening. Minds close in an effort to protect themselves from bombarding sounds.
Our children live in a world where less speak and more action on social media which is isolating is seen as better. Therefore, sound, healthy discussions using positive language and reassuring words is important to counterman the shrinking oral language used around our children.
To build a strong relationship which your child you will need to be using language to get messages across, reassure them and nurture them. There is nothing more delightful than hearing words used by a parent that are positive, reassuring, loving and wholesome.
This is about using words wisely and understanding the power of them to build relationships. Careless, thoughtless words are hurtful and damaging. They serve no positive purpose in strengthening relationships.
Of course, we can say sorry for careless words used and ask for forgiveness. The challenge is to train ourselves to avoid such language and if necessary, say nothing. Less careless words used presents a very reassuring image as a parent.
An old saying is: if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all. What a fine message this is to finish the blog!
‘Choose your words wisely. They reveal your inner character.
-Jim George
Take care with the word we use. Remember sticks and stones can break those bones!
Consider how we speak. How do we use our words? Are we quick to say things off the cuff or are we more precise and careful in how we speak? Our children hear not only what we have to say but how we say it. They quickly pick up the intonation and sense our mood, intent and temper in our conversations. This blog is to invite us to reflect a little more deeply on how we present ourselves to children through our words. Do we want them to see us a controlled person or one who speaks with thought and with judgement in how we speak?
No question about it, children will be attracted to the parent who speaks calmly and is approachable and not so quick to temper. These are parents who choose their words carefully.
Consider the following:
How we speak gives a message to our children about how we approach life. More words are not always better than less, more meaningful words.
We want our children to engage with us over many topics. The more controversial, the less likely they will approach someone who speaks quickly, jumps to conclusions and can be quick to respond with strong opinion. Even using highly articulate words can be intimidating to a young child. By them not understanding the words can more unsettling.
Remember, ‘Words once spoken can never be revoked.’ (Horaci 65-8BC)
The advice here is about realising the power and potential damage if words are used with intent to hurt. By stopping and thinking before speaking we put the relationship at less risk. This gives us time to choose words well.
People who demonstrate action over words are considered wise and rational people. Our children benefit from seeing this model in their parents.
Careless thoughtless words can be very influential in changing relationships for good. Going into damage control is never as effective as simply avoiding such words.
Teachers know the value of speaking well and using it to bring out the best in children. They know that careless talk changes the relationship by diminishing trust and teaching children becomes more difficult. They encourage children to think about what they want to say so that they get the best from the conversation.
As a principal, it was so important to speak with clarity, know my facts and think about the words that I was using so that a child would not misinterpret what I said. By doing this I was in a better situation to have a healthy, productive conversation.
It is such a powerful tool, the use of words. We are gifted with speech but should see it as a force to do good and to build relationships, especially with our children.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
Dealing with the put downs
Nobody likes being put down. Children especially can begin to see putdowns as something they deserve or an indication that they are not worthy to be given credibility. No matter how we avoid them they often come our way, subtly or more directly.
If a child takes an aggressive response to the put down, the problem can quickly escalate. When the child responds by passively giving in and not responding, they can build resentment and this behaviour does not stop the put downs from coming their way. The best response is for a child to be assertive, expressing themselves in a way that clearly tells the offender that their behaviour was unacceptable. This assertive way of responding does not put the other person down which further shows maturity on the part of the child being put down.
The best way to be assertive is to state it clearly.
“I am upset that you speak that way. I find it offensive.”
“I am disappointed in your words. They are quite hurtful.”
“I don’t like the way you talk to me. It’s quite inappropriate.”
These responses are about informing the offender that their words are offensive. In no way does it seek retribution, but it puts the offender on notice that their words were not to be tolerated.
It is also about looking the offender in the eye, being clear in your speech and showing confidence in the way you calmly rebuff their accusations. This is about developing emotional maturity which helps the child respond in ways that give them a sense of being in control. As the parent you can help your child show assertiveness by the following:
Give the example of being assertive yourself when you feel spoken to or treated poorly.
Teach your child to use the “I” statement. Get them to practise them….
“I am disappointed when…”
“I am unhappy when…”
“I do not like your behaviour when…”
Once the child becomes familiar with using this language, they have a quick and effective way of responding to the person putting them down. The more they use it, the stronger they feel.
Discuss times when you used assertive approaches in your life and how you felt afterwards.
From time to time tap in with them in relation to how they feel about themselves when others speak poorly to them. Sometimes frequent and subtle put downs can build up considerable feelings of being bullied. Ignoring put downs can also encourage the offender to keep on with the attack.
In a classroom, it is common practice that teachers will role model how to be assertive and encourage children to use language that works. Whilst still taking responsibility when they see a child bullying another, they will still teach the offended child to be assertive to prevent future attacks and to recognise when words used are unacceptable.
The teacher will also instruct the child using an “I” statement to state clearly the reasons for the upset.
“I am angry when you laugh at my new glasses.”
“I feel very upset when you laugh at my stutter.”
Teachers will also encourage children to recognise when a put down is unacceptable. Accepting and tolerating put downs requires a maturity to determine the intent.
However, should put downs become unmanageable then adult intervention should take place. Take care to know when this is necessary as prolonged and unmanaged putdowns can turn into severe bullying.
Finally, you the parent through your own experiences can model when a put down is not acceptable. Your understanding of your child’s sensitivity and emotional maturity should give you the guidance to teach them how to be assertive and in control at any age.
“Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”
Take care with words spoken
In the heat of the moment, we can say all sorts of things in all sorts of ways. Our mood and temper can often dictate how and what we say in front of our children. We have a liberty with speech which can work for us or against us. There are times when we may need to speak with more definition and there are more relaxed times when we can simply talk with ease, spontaneously and in comfort. Whatever our style of communication through speech, this article is to remind us that it is a powerful tool for the force of good and evil in our relationships.
Often words sharply spoken cannot easily be retracted. When we speak with our children, it is best to remember that they are listening carefully for the intention and will cautiously listen for reinforcing words and a calm style. The words make all the difference to how they will respond.
Here are a few thoughts to keep our speech in check when around our children.
Remember to think before you speak. This is particularly important when you are feeling unsettled or in a situation that could lead to speaking out of turn. Sometimes in the rush of speaking we can lose sight of what we are really saying.
Create space. This means take some time out before speaking if you think you are inclined to say careless things that you will regret later. In this case, silence is golden.
Use language that is age appropriate for your child and take care not to intimidate with strong, overpowering words that can have various meanings. Such is a form of intimidation. Simple language is the best, especially if you have some important messages to get across to your child.
Remember to use words that clearly talk about what you want to say. Children can easily miss the content of what you say through the words you use, the speed of talking and the intonation used. Don’t allow your words to become a destructive tool but rather a building block for strong relationships.
Reflect from time to time if you have used words that affirm and reinforce your child. This is a reminder to your child that they are valued and that you are keen to publicly talk about them in a positive way. Everyone from time to time enjoys hearing about themselves in a positive way. The positive use of words strengthens communication and give a clear message of wanting to engage with someone.
If you are feeling disappointed and need to talk to your child about some behavioural concern, think about how you will say it and what words you will use that are balanced and suitable for the situation. Speaking too quickly without having our mind ahead of our mouth can be damaging for the relationship.
Finally, the words we use on a daily basis, say a lot about ourselves. They are the tools that inform others about how we wish to engage and participate in life. They are a force to drive people away or to bring them closer. Our children understand very clearly that the way words are presented to them is the clear traffic lights of their relationship. Flash onto green whenever possible.
“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”