Why Really Listening to Your Child Matters
Ever find yourself nodding while your child talks, but your mind’s miles away? In this blog, we explore the power of truly listening. Just a few focused minutes can build trust, support mental wellbeing, and deepen your connection, more than you might think. Read on to find out how.
We’ve all done it. We nodded while our child is talking, but our minds are elsewhere. The dinner’s burning, a work email just pinged, or we’re mentally adding to the grocery list. But what if we told you that pausing and truly listening to your child, even for just a few minutes can shape their sense of security, boost their mental health, and strengthen your bond in ways that last a lifetime?
Listening Is More Than Hearing
Children don’t just need their words to be heard—they need to feel understood. When you give your child your full attention, you send a powerful message: You matter. Your thoughts matter. I’m here for you. Your voice is important.
The Everyday Magic of Listening
Let’s look at a few everyday examples:
• After School Decompression: Your child comes home from school and mumbles, “Today was awful.” You could brush it off with “You’re fine” or ask, “Want to tell me about it?” The second response shows care. You are not probing them with questions but merely suggesting you will listen.
• Tiny Voices, Big Feelings: A four-year-old melts down over the “wrong” colour cup. It’s tempting to say, “It doesn’t matter, just drink it.” But a better approach? “You really wanted the blue cup, didn’t you? That feels disappointing.” This response tells your child their feelings are real and manageable.
• Teen Talk: A teenager says, “I don’t think I’m good at anything.” That’s a big statement. Instead of jumping in with reassurance or solutions, try: “Tell me more. What makes you feel that way?” You’ll learn more, and they’ll feel safer opening up again. You are in fact a consultant there to listen wisely.
The Long-Term Payoff
When children know they are listened to:
• They’re more likely to talk to you when things are tough. They know that you will not jump in with judgements.
• They develop better emotional regulation. They become more in control.
• Their self-esteem grows. This is because people value them through listening.
• They feel safer, more connected, and less anxious. Why not when you have confidence that what you have to say is valued.
• They are more likely to seek out independence when allowed to talk freely uninhibited by opinions or judgements.
• A child feels worthy when being heard well.
• When a child feels heard by the parents they feel loved with shouting.
When children feel heard at home, they’re more likely to grow into adults who listen well, too.
Tips to Make Listening Easier
• Pause and Face Them: Even if it’s for a brief moment, give eye contact and undivided attention. Try not to get distracted.
• Repeat What You Heard: “So you felt left out at lunch?” This shows you're tuned in.
• Stay Curious, Not Critical: Questions like “What happened next?” or “How did that make you feel?” invite conversation.
• Resist the Fix-It Mode: Sometimes, they don’t need a solution—just a safe space to be heard. They will thank you for letting them solve their problems.
Final Thought
You don’t need to be a perfect parent, just be present. Listening is one of the simplest but most powerful tools we have. It doesn’t cost anything other than patience but can mean everything to your child. It is a big step in honouring their rights and dignity. The greatest gift you can give them isn't advice, it's attention.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice”
The Life giving Power of Politeness: Why Teaching Good Manners Boosts Your Child's Education!
Read about how politeness and manners are so important to implement in your child's upbringing.
In all my years as Principal and in my experience as a teacher, polite children always won the day! Such children are often popular because they speak well of others and provide no threat. They attract attention because their politeness is attractive and creates an illusion that they are in control of people who use intelligence as their main vehicle of communication. It is quite amazing how a polite child is so valued and attractive to others.
Here are five ideas to demonstrate how teaching good manners is effective and beneficial to the child, especially when taught by the parents.
Social Skills for Success: Good manners lay the foundation for positive social interactions, enabling children to build strong relationships with peers and adults alike. Polite children tend to be more confident in social settings, making them more approachable, likeable, and adept at resolving conflicts. These essential social skills pave the way for better academic collaboration and extracurricular involvement, fostering a well-rounded education. Never underestimate how politeness can make a child a lot happier socially.
Improved Communication Skills: Teaching children good manners involves emphasising active listening, respectful communication, and empathy. These skills not only improve their ability to express themselves effectively but also foster a deeper understanding of others' perspectives. As a result, children become more articulate and empathetic communicators, which bolsters their academic performance, participation in class discussions, and presentation abilities. A child with strong communication skills is a much more confident child
Positive Classroom Environment: When children practice good manners, they contribute to creating a positive and respectful classroom environment. Polite behaviour encourages cooperation, teamwork, and a sense of community, promoting a conducive atmosphere for learning and academic growth. Teachers can focus more on teaching, and students can concentrate better on their studies when the classroom is characterised by courtesy and mutual respect. By being polite, the quality of the learning environment improves. Children listen and hear better when the atmosphere is respectful.
Developing Emotional Intelligence: Good manners are closely linked to emotional intelligence—the ability to recognise and manage emotions, both in oneself and others. Children who are taught good manners are more likely to be emotionally aware and capable of handling stress and frustrations constructively. They read the signs very well. Emotional intelligence positively impacts their academic performance by improving their self-regulation, problem-solving skills, and resilience in the face of challenges. There is considerable self discipline demonstrated through politeness and this feeds into improved emotional intelligence. There is more interest in being grateful than feeling entitled.
Preparation for Future Success: Beyond the classroom, good manners are essential in preparing children for future success in their personal and professional lives. Employers often seek candidates with strong interpersonal skills and a respectful demeanour, making good manners a valuable asset in the job market. Additionally, individuals who practice good manners are more likely to cultivate supportive networks, mentorship, and opportunities throughout their lives. It’s as though in this ever-changing world, instilling good manners in your child's upbringing is a life giving investment that not only improves their education but also nurtures their overall growth and success. We could easily say that politeness is a measure of success in a world that can easily spin out of control.
As the parent, demonstrate through your own life how politeness has served you well. If a child comes from a family where politeness is valued, it then stands to reason that they will comfortably and confidently adopt that model.
‘Better good manners than good looks.’
-Proverbs
Using our language well
The use of good language is critical to a child’s communication development. Learn about how effective language can make a difference for your child.
One of our greatest gifts is the power of speech. It starts from birth with simple sounds and some not so little. As we develop language, we listen and learn about what is said around us. Even intonations are often picked up from family connections and familiarity with people. Language can be used for good and sadly for evil. We teach our children how to use language from our own way of communicating and how we send messages to others.
When we use language effectively, there is so much more to gain and in its own right, it carries more power than blustering through conversations that are reliant on aggressive expression.
Let us think about how effective language can make a difference for your child:
When you speak calmly and without raising your voice, people will listen with more sincerity. Louder more aggressive tones are often ignored or overrode by people who can become anxious with what is said.
When you speak, stop and think. Just a little thought about what you have to say can make such a difference in the way you express yourself to others.
When responding, keep a positive tone. Throw in a little affirmation and reassurance sometimes. ‘Thanks for the lunch. I really enjoyed my time with you.’
Use words that are not harmful at all times. There are ways of expressing your displeasure, but be careful, using words that label will stick.
Every now and again check your vocabulary. Can you increase it and find words that are more enriching when explaining situations to others?
I have always said fewer words are better. This is true, especially if what you have to say is about something negative. Say it and move on. Repeating it does not give it extra merit.
Children always look for reassurance in your words. Keep a mental check of how you are speaking to them and build positive thoughts about your children. Everyone loves to hear something nice about themselves.
Remember the ‘I’ statements. ‘I am angry that you broke the vase. That was my favourite gift from my aunty’. When angry, an ‘I’ statement with a logical reason behind it is more effective than using poor language and just being angry.
Play games like scrabble. They increase your vocabulary and teach your children the benefits of having a broad range of words as back up.
Remember, when speaking, talk at a pace and a level of hearing that works for your child. Talking too fast may mean that they do not hear or listen to what you say. Choose a pace and volume that works.
Do not use an aggressive voice when dealing with children. Hostility can be picked up from the voice and this can very easily intimidate and overwhelm your child.
When your child speaks, become a good listener. Try not to interrupt. They need to express their thoughts in complete sentences and with time to reflect. Jumping in quickly undermines their voice.
Practise expressing your words clearly. Avoid abbreviations and take your time saying what you need to say. Your child is learning from you, the art of speaking well.
Monitor your body language when speaking. A lot can be said from poor body language.
Try to focus when talking and not drift away onto other topics. Children will listen more if you talk about what is important and nothing more. Idol chatter is seldom heard.
Speaking can use empathy and other essential emotions that are important in building relations with children. Use these motions wisely and not for manipulative purposes.
Speaking well to children helps them shape their emotional development and builds relationships with others, A child who is spoken to with dignity and respect learns to like and value themselves.
If children are surrounded by good language, their literacy skills improve immensely and their confidence in using good language grows. Such growth feeds into their self-esteem and the child feels able-bodied in independently talking about things that matter to them. A confident, well-spoken child is a joy to behold.
Finally, a parent who uses language as a skill that will give their child a better chance in life is a wise parent.
‘The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.’
-Ludwig Wittgenstein
Teach our children to be courteous
There is a silent, steady power present in being courteous. You are stronger by nature of your courteous style. By treating someone with dignity no matter how different your thoughts are, there is little with which to argue. After all, they see how you accept them as legitimate. You accept their right to have a voice, which gives you a voice.
Sounds like it would be just a natural process of learning for a child. Perhaps something you pick up along the way. However, we live in a world where so much is instant gratification and things must happen fast. This comes at a cost of how people treat each other and at times common courtesy is one of the first virtues that can go out the window and be sacrificed for supposedly better outcomes.
A classroom is an environment where courtesy is presented as a valued gift and one that should be present throughout the school day. In fact it is mandatory. If a child does not show courtesy to other students, such behaviour is seen as negative and will be challenged. When working with children I was always aware that if I did not show the child respect and speak to them with courtesy and sincerity, I would fail to build their trust and further conversations would be damaged.
Your child will learn courtesy from you, especially when they see how you treat others and you use language and behaviour that is positive and not destructive towards others. They watch and observe and in their own way make judgements about how you, the parent dealt with certain people. It is amazing how little minds watch and observe and learn quickly all about the human condition. It should become a healthy habit to simply be a courteous person even when situations challenge us.
Thomas Fuller once said, “all doors open to courtesy”. Let’s consider how using courtesy as a child will improve their life.
Children that are courteous stand out from a crowd. They are more often chosen or spoken to with respect due to their reliability and noticeability.
When a child shows courtesy to others, they are reflecting on that other person and putting them in a safe space. Everyone feels comfortable when people are courteous to them.
A child who uses courtesy is learning to value the other person. It is much easier for them to think positively of people as their first thoughts are not negative.
Children who learn to use courtesy as a tool of communication can easily slip into effective language, where they listen and affirm others well. This well developed language gives them a higher order level of emotional maturity.
If you are courteous, people are attracted to you and gravitate around you more given that they feel welcomed. This is important for a child to feel that others like their company. A child can feel very isolated from others if they do not have such good skills of communication.
Children need to learn the art of courtesy and this is where your example comes into play. It is also worth taking to them about how a person is valued and should be treated with dignity and courtesy no matter how complicated that person can be.
Finally, there is a silent, steady power present in being courteous. You are stronger by nature of your courteous style. By treating someone with dignity no matter how different your thoughts are, there is little with which to argue. After all, they see how you accept them as legitimate. You accept their right to have a voice.
‘Your children will become what you are.
So be what you want them to be.’
-Love hope dream